Ever say something you never meant? I seem to do that alot. Contridiction. There's a word that if I misspelt it here I need to learn for personal ads. According to my sister, and in some cases I see it too, I do it alot.

It's weird. How can you mean something but then say something you don't mean? Is something lost in the words or body movements? Maybe it's the whole "spur of the moment" kind of deal. Emotions can do that sometimes. Even being tired or drunk can make you say or do some of the dumbest things in your life. No one really, truely means to be be hurtful or come off as smug or anything that they don't want to come off as. I don't think anyone intends to hurt anyone's feelings in a hieghten state of anger or sadness or whatever. I could be wrong. Most of the times in a hieghten stat of emotion, that's when the truth comes out. The truth hurts, yeah, but it always is. No matter how hard you try to suger coat it, it will always hurt.

Me? I say stuff I wish I could take back alot of times. Maybe a few of these blog posts too. I don't want to delete them, mostly cause I want to see just what exactly I am and how I act. The other reason is because I can't take them back. They've been said and recorded in time. You can't change the past. And like most things, the past affects your present actions that will ultimately affect your future. That's the way your actions affect you. Big or small, they will come back to haunt you and change you. Kindda like Karma, really.

Frankly, I'm just trying to hard to please everyone in what I say and do while pleasing myself. Something everyone keeps telling me you can't do no matter how hard you try. I'm starting to see why. Every time I try I screw up. I keep on digging just a little bit deeper to the point I can't get out. I can never do anything the right way. I want to, but every time I try to it blows up like a bad chemistry project. I wish I was smarter sometimes. Then when I wish that, I wish I was more outgoing and like the others my age. I dunno why I'm so different.

I keep comparing myself to that kid you see on TV shows about school. You know, the odd ball that sits by himself with that mysterious arua of the unknown hanging around him? I'm not talking about the goth kids that dress in black or the nerds that spend their time in the computer lab or reading. The one that just sits there staring and playing with his food aimlessly in the back. The one you don't notice. Every high school TV show has them because every real life high school has them too. I know, 'cause I was that kid.