Again I wake up near noon. I wonder why I didn't publish yesturday? Oh well. I can't do much of anything right. Progress for me always seems to be one-step forward two-steps back. I don't really know how to express what I'm feeling as I work up, so I dug through my old English folder for some writing that may. I found an old sonnet I wrote supprisingly well. So well in fact, the teacher thought I wanted to kill myself. Eh, go figure. When you are the odd kid, you are watched at a little bit closer than most of the troublemakers. Here's the sonnet that I think best describes what I'm feeling right now after screwing up yet again with my online friends.

Depression
Date:Read April 4, 2001

So now I'm left without a single hope
in this forever darken place called Hell.
Forever have I lost what I can cope
with, and towards the bottom of this well
I go. Sweet death, give me my life again
by taking this one from me now! Away,
please go away all things that caused my pain!
I wish not to know this hurt everyday
of my life. I know not the feeling love.
To find this lost emotion is a dream
that cannot be granted by even doves
who turn away from my old voiceless screams.
Let little hope and lovely dreams rule me,
for I cannot change it. I'll let it be.

A sonnet like mine is said to take a master to write. I don't believe that. I was in a class of at least 30 that wrote just as well. Why mine is said to be better, I don't know why. So it incompasses the pain part of a sonnet. So what? All I've ever known was disappointments since moving. Yeah, I've had my fun moments, but they were short lived and sometimes destroyed by something later that day be it an arguement or otherwise. I'm not compleately depressed. If anything, I'm like Daria. I don't take much in a negative light, it's the harsh light of reality that I see.

Maybe to prevent a total breakdown I just try to do something superficial to make myself happy. Writing on the blog can only vent so much. Yeah, I'll feel better afterwards, but stuff will still bother me. You never really get rid of a bee sting after you remove the stinger. The pain will be there for a while. Maybe that's why I'm listening to my burned DDR soundtracks and mixed CDs. Dance music and dancing seem to put me in a good mood. That and video games. Yup, my addiction. Like an alcoholic, I'm drawn to them for my happiness. Ironically, when I talk about video games, I end up making more friends and keeping them even if only on that shallow ground. I geuss irregular contact can help, but I don't like that feeling. Every time that happens, I have this feeling like I blew it in keeping a friend. Sometimes I see them again, but that's rare.

Let's face it. I can't keep many people as friends, not unless they have some kind of patiants or a point of view like Chris who saw me as just a good listener and someone dealing with the same shit he was. I wonder if I should post that other writing I have about people that pick and chose their friends? It's a bit angry in tone. I'll think about it.