Hmm, that was odd. The day for us as a family normally ends when dinner does unless I can cox them into watching a movie with me, which is rare given what I like in movies and what they think is quality entertainment. I hate clashes of interests like this. I never liked the blues untill I heard Jonny Lang and then B. B. King then the Blues Brothers. Anyway, this whole time I was expecting them to ask the question about what i'm going to do with my future, but when I though mom was going to, she didn't! Instead she gives me an assignment for her big payroll confress in August based off of Surviver. Draw a simple t-shirt with the four elements of Zen/Chi/Life on it: Earth, Fire, Air, Water. Four teams, each with a different challenge. I have to give her credit. She does know how to make a boring confress interesting. Now if only she would listen to me and hire our Somoian-looking cousins Mike and Micheal. Hey, she was looking for grass skirt dancers.

Well, time to relax from the dinner and switch to plan B. What's plan B? Drop hints that I want to go to Seattle like a child drops hints come Christmas as to what presents they want. I know, it's sad, but it has to be done. I want out of here.

You know what I just realised? I never got birthday cash yet!

Besides that, mom showed me a computer that had almost the exact same stats and the one that died on me minus the fact that it is a Pentium4 and my was no more than a Pentium1 with about a quarter of the amount of RAM the model she showed me. Yeah, it would do for what I do, but at the same time, it's useless without the programs. She did say that she would get it if I did something with my life. She should have asked what. I had the perfect oppritunity there, but I couldn't do a damn think cause she didn't ask! Oh well, the day is still young, right?

Well, this has been a slow birthday. Then again, they always were since I was 10 I think. List of presents include:

O Brother, Where Art Thou? video (actually got it yesturday, but mom pawned it off as my gift)
Moulin Rouge - Special Edition video with deleted scenes, interviews with Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGreggor, an extended dance scene, and the MTV Live proformance of Lady Marmalade! I love my sis's gift.
Blues Brothers 2000 Soundtrack CD which I've been wanting for about half a year but never really begged for it.

I like my sister's gift better though. She knows me better than my parents, and she knew I'd love the gift she bought. Still wonder where mom and dad got the CD though. I never saw it in Tower Records, but always on Amazon.com for about the price any CD now costs. Oh well, they got their sources. Besides, I love the track Funky Nassau and 634-5789 (Jonny Lang ROCKS!).

One thing I'm still expecting is my mom or dad to come up to me and ask what I'm going to do with my life. They haven't yet. They said that today had to be the day, but from the looks of it, they may think that I have no clue. In truth, that's half true. I don't know what I want to do with my life in the long run, but right now I just want out of the town. I have a way; I just have to present it to them and stand my ground with all those red tape questions. In the meantime? I'm just going to take it easy.

I now know why most men don't really shop for boxers untill they are secure in themselves. It's embarrasing. Well, at least these fit nicely. Kindda looser than what I wanted, but at least I'm comfy. Kinda like when I was at Dan's after trying on a pair of boxers for the first time. Still wish I had the built to pull the look off shirtless.

My God, why am I blogging this?!

Anyway
I'm nineteen! My last year as a teen. Today, I also plan to tell my folks what I plan to do as stated I needed to do by my mother. She does know how to piss me off. Oh well, we'll see what happens after Easter Mass. I need to sleep now. Maybe I'll sleep in just these black Joe Boxers.

God, what's the deal with me and black underwear?

Ok, now that I got my dream blogged and published, let me tell you the sweetest thing that happened to me last night.

First off, Bill sent me an e-card, the first one I have EVER gotten personally. It was cute! It had two turtles on it, one was delivering a cake to one that was having a birthday on the other side of the river. The card said something along the lines of "From miles away, I've come to wish you a Happy Birthday."

Oh, but the sweetness doesn't stop there! When I wished that I could have one of his strawberry cakes but was unable to since he lives on the other side of the country, he said he would make me a cake anyway and have his close cousin James blow out the 19 candles he is going to put on it out for me. All I needed to do was relay the wish over to James. I think James knew what I was going to wish for, so it was a short IM with him when that came up.

That brought me to the brink of tears last night. Those two are the sweetest straight boys I've ever have the pleasure of knowing. I can't wait to meet them in person.

I think I just woke from the most cinematic dream I have ever had.

We were in a home for abandoned kids. The only thing any of us had in common is that we loved to show off. We each had our own talents. Some knew how to construct things, some could sing, some could dance, some knew how to cook. We were all self-sufficate and able to entertain ourselves. A weird family, but a family none the least. It was run by this old southern man we called "The General." We called him that because he'd, on special occations, break out a Civil War Rebel General suit compleate with sword. He prized the sword above the suit because that sword looked to be in mint condition and had a solid gold handle. Nice guy, but never talked much. A smile here and there, but he was mainly in the background unless he needed to be called to the front line. We weren't the only house like this. There was a long time frat house that always thought they were better than the broken home we lived in and tried to maintain. They were ran by a old guy that was a rival of the General and had a thing about doing things as big as possible. One night, as we were watching the big local homecoming game of one of the High Schools each of our family members went to, that rival house threw the biggest homecoming half time. Problem was, they stole several things of ours. The one item that gave it away what they stole was a small hang-glider that someone made all by himself/herself able to hold and balance out 2 people and a pair of fan engines for further guild. After the game, we met up with these frat boys and got into a minor shuffle, I got thrown into the pool as the General was breaking it up. When I resurface, I see his prize sword laying on the ground and the General's rival coming over looking all evil and smug. Picture the aid of Billy Zane's character from Titanic only in a weird looking Roman robe. He makes a comment about how the home can't afford to stay up, and how he is willing to help out.... if.... if we are able to out preform him using our talents. As collateral, the rival give a little brass sliper he called a "Hot Foot" and the General, against everyone's silent plead not to, gave his sword. If we cannot out proform the rival frat, we lose our home and the General loses his prized Civil War sword. Naturally, we tried to prepare it right away, but when we got home, we found out they took more that just the hang-glider....

I really hate when I wake up from these kinds of dreams. I so want to know what happens next!

Despite the fact that it's thunderstorming as I'm blogging which gives rise to a good number of potential shocking hazards given what I'm doing and where I'm sitting, I can't help but blog about my sister's diet.

For starters, I am starting to believe that my sister is unknowingly annirexic (or however it's spelt). She claims she's picky, but C'MON! Everything she eats has to be done this way or from this brand or she won't even touch it!! Today, we went to Tangs, a local Chinese resturant. We both orders the Lo Mein. I had the Veggies and she had the chicken. God willing, I wanted to shove every piece she didn't eat down her throut. First off, what she did was push all the chicken bits aside seeing how it's Friday and we can't eat meat. THEN to make it even more obsence, she goes and picks off the little pieces of veggies that are thrown into the dish for flavor. This isn't the first time. When we used to not order cheese pizza, she would take off every topping. She will only eat chicken if it's served a certain way, and the only really meat she eats is MacDonald's hamburger plain with just ketchup. And she wonders why she is a size 00 (and yes, they make size 00) and 20 pounds underweight. Here's an answer. She doesn't eat!! My aunt thinks that's also a factor as to why her immune system sucks. She gets sick in the rain so fast it's not funny. I'm expecting her to get sick tomorrow since it was raining tonight. If not, that just means we weren't out long enough for it to hit her. I really want to break her diet, not to make me feel better, but more so she can be healthier.

Tonight's Fortune Cookie Wisdom
"Your talents will be recognized and rewarded." That sounds promising.

Despite the fact that I can blame the birds and our dog's howling for waking me up, I actually woke from another school dream. What's the deal with that?! In it I was in a math class doing some basic Algebra. It was that whole "Find y if y=x²+2x+4/x+2" stuff that I barely remember. Well, I smell a remedial course that I may take in college. Damn year off.

In other news: Well, today's the day. Aaron and Mark are getting married. One of the few official gay weddings in history! Hope someone is taking notes, cause this will definately go down as a milestone in the timeline. Knowing this, I probible won't be seening much of them tonight online. At least we were able to patch things up before the wedding (thank you, Andrew), and that's a good thing. Well, who knows? Maybe I'll catch Bill online and he can relay me everything about it... maybe... unless Mom goes Super Catholic on me and says no electronics after 3:00 PM cause of Jesus's death on the cross being good Friday and all. I never did understand that part. Must be a Filipino Catholic thing.

Oh yeah, just so you know and not to gross you out, in the Philippines, as part of this holiday, our culture actually nails someone to the cross. I was told it was a volenter, but who in their right mind whould do that willingly?! Whenever I say anything about it, I tell them [other people] it's really a criminal, mostly sentanced to death. The event has made papers saying that it is inhumane. My mother says that the reason they do it is because they feel that if they suffer like Jesus, they will be forgiven by Jesus. Whatever. Doesn't God already forgive everyone for their sins already? I guess that one TV preist was right when I was channel surfing. He said something along the line of "Everyone sees the power of God, but no one sees the love of God. God is love."

AND WITH THAT, this is more than likely the last blog for today. At least, that's what I'm expecting.

Well, so much for a creative flood. I closed two mission in my game plot and then got back to square one. Well, at least I finally got the last weapon into play. Maybe I'll just do a forced ending. This is an arcade-prone game. What do I mean? Well, I hope you got a snack, because I'm going to educate you a bit. If you don't like that, then skip the next few paragraphs.

An arcade-prone game is a game designed exclusively for the arcade. The best example of these are ticket games like skiball or that Catch-A-Rainbow game that my sister got the 500 ticket jackpot on in Vegas. There are some games that are non-ticket games (i.e. video games) that are also arcade-prone. Dance Dance Revolution is one of them, however, once the home version came out, it quickly became not only an arcade game, but it replaced the treadmill I have shoved in my room. The majority of those cames are only best played in the arcade only. The main reason is space. If you go to your local arcade (not your average Tilt, but something that can at least compare to a GameWorks if you have one), you will see alot of games that take up alot of space. The most obvious ones are normally the race car games that have the player sit in a car that is full scale to the one you are driving on the screen. These games don't do well domestically because of the about of space needed to play them. Who has fifty free feet to spare in there house for something like that?! On top of space, the amount of electricity that you use powering one of those machines can make you go bankrupt. You got power going to the screen, to the computer running the game, to the other computer syncing the game to the car/seat, to the hydrolics that control the cars moving all over the place, etc. Games like that belong in the arcade only.

Now, if I didn't educate you, I have a question then for you. Am I not a wealth of just useless knowledge or what?

I think I have another creative flood. How do I know? Well, it could be the fact that I have a potential job op with that guy from my dad's store, but I think it was the dream I had where I was shooting dopleganster zombies and putting their heads in the sink's garbage disposal and then going to the mall to race miniture race cars while Harry Potter sings the Bon Jovi song It's My Life. I have a weird head, huh? Well, I'll find out if it was the creative flood or the pizza later in the day. If I get an idea on how to finish my game plot, then that tells me something. If not, it was the pizza.

Well, that wasn't as bad as I thought. Felt more like a job interview, but what do I know? My first job I got because I was practically family to the person in charge of knowing if you got the right payment right on your check. Anyway, I got a real project now. I have to draw a mysterious comic book! Fun fun! Well, not really. Not only is it one of the hardest things I can possibly take on, but I have to draw a woman. Women naturally are hard to draw. Why? I hope you perverts are looking at their boobs when you are talking to one, cause that the part I can't draw. I always make them too big or too small. The only time I got it right was after an hour of erasing. Anyway, it's an intersting project. Draw a two page comic based on 4 demo songs. Won't be the first time I've done this.

Now how am I going to get this into my portfolio? Thank God for Xerox.

Ugh, I woke up from the strangest dream I have to blog. Little project of mine.

In the dream, I paid a visit to some store that made your current small teddy bear into one of those novalty giant bears. Thing is, there was a mix up in communications and they botched the order destroying what the original bear looked like for my sister. I don't remember if I ever had one to begin with, but I know that it got late suddenly and Mom picked me up with Jess in the front seat saying Dad was looking for me as well. Then we headed out to the airport just before I woke up.

In other news: I'm up this early because I'm expecting Dad to come knocking in at 10:30 to pick me up to go to the store to show off my crappy ass art to the person mom thinks looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Whatever. Wish me luck.

God, I feel stupid.

Andrew cleared up what happened last night that resulted in me hanging up the IMs after feeling disrespected. I feel like an ass now. I can't talk to people. I don't know how. Words come out of my mouth and they always seem to be the worst ones at the wrong time. It's like my words are poison to my social life. Guess I really was a jerk when I thought I was being respectful. And so the familar feeling of losing a friend comes into play. Scratch that; I actually lost two friends last night. The emotion that I have grown accustom to over the past eight years here in Hellsville, Tennessee.

I've lost many friends here due to social faux pas. I've never lost someone like Aaron and Bill though.

Woke up early today. Very strange for me to get up at 7:00 or 8:00 in the morning now. I should practice doing that more, you know, for college. I still feel disrespected. The whole thing that happened last night is still there. Now I learned though an e-mail that I'm "history" with them. God, I really hate to say this, but what brats. All this just cause I don't want to talk to them on a time that should be spent exclusively with just their lover? C'mon, where's the logic in that? If being respectful gets me this, I wonder what being cold-hearted gets me.

In other news: Road block on the creative highway... AGAIN. I hate when I can't think up something to write when it comes to storys. It makes what I am writing seem stupid. Oh well, put it on the back burner for now and just try again later. I might as well see what there is to do in RuneScape now that I've done all the quests on the free server. It's not like I have the cash to pay to play, so lets see what I can do. And if I get bored, there's always NeoPets.

"There is a thin line between love and hate."

Someone get me a ruler then. I'm pissed right now.

Basically, Aaron and Mark are getting married and going on their honeymoon. This is an official legal wedding, so all you anti-gay shitheads that have found my blog can join me in hell to duke this out. Aaron tells me that he is going to pop on during his honeymoon and see what's up while Mark is asleep. What's wrong with this picture? Do you see a set up for alot of misunderstanding?! On top of that, it's his honeymoon!!

To me, a honeymoon is a special night spent between two lovers exclusively. I do not want to be a third arm by being brought into the mix via IMs or otherwise! It wouldn't feel right. I would not feel like I belong there. I am neither one of their lovers! I never will be! Can't they figure out that I am just being respectful by saying don't talk to me while you are on this. Have fun just you two together alone. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'm happy for you, but at the same time I do not want to be a part of your honeymoon. I just want you two lovers to have the time of your life without me like I see is right for that. This is the right way to do that.

Call me old fashion if you want, but that's what I think. I have a huge respect for them, mostly because they are going through with something that will change history as we know it! I just want to be respectful and give them what I believe should be a time exclusively to themselves only. What did I get in return when I told them this? Practically a slap in the face.

Where is it in the social order that when you are trying to be respectful that you are really a jerk? Just how thin is that line between love and hate?

Heheh, I was told last night from my love of my life to plug in some names. Well, while I can't post sensative information (and I consider their name somewhat sensative information), I can put just their first name. So, Bill, Aaron, Mark, James, Dan, Josh? There you go! Andrew told me I should do that.

Anyway
Let's see. Woke up at noon again. I like that feeling, but it gets confusing when I'm deciding what to eat. Breakfast or lunch? It can't be brunch cause it's not 10:30. Oh well, it's just food. It's just going to the same place. The crapper. I decided to just blog this entry right now and concentrait on connecting the point I am now in my storyline for my game to the ended that I have planed.

Speaking of my game, I was told that Bill is rather sneeky. Should we market this, he never said I would see a shread of profit. I have to admit, I had my doubts about if I'd had a big impact and a credit in the game, but I took it as a few grains of rice. Well, at least the doubt was there. Not that I don't think Bill is sneeky like that. It's just it's my idea and it all came from my brain. I have all the original specks and drawings. I'd like at the very least a Created by credit and maybe half of whatever the game made in the arcade. Hey, if an idea can make you money, fly with it. This country was made from nothing but ideas. Someone had the idea of saying to the British that we are our own country and they can't tax our tea for the Boston Tea Party to talk place. Someone had to have the idea that Pokemon would be a good game to bring over and more than likely profited from it.

Don't you love America?

Why did I take this? It was a dumb test to see if I was going to marry Jusitin Timberlake. I was hoping the test, judging from the picture, was what celebrity would you be marrying kind of quiz. Stupid false advertising. Anyway, here is my result:

You are a sensible, non-stalkerish person, and I am pleased to announce that, like the majority of the world, you will not be marrying Justin Timberlake. Instead you will marry the boy next door. And never fear if the only male who lives next door to you is ugly as sin or over 60 - or both- you'll move eventually.



Well, at leat it was better than *NSyncer. If you can't see the image, chance are good the site is dead... and rightfully so.

I just tried to share my moving-going experiance with my sister. Failed. Same deal with alot of things lately. I am starting to wonder what the deal is with me, you know? Well, not what's wrong with me socially, I know the problem there. I don't get out. I'm just wondering about my interests and why I can't get anyone to give a damn about what I like. The rest of my family is into whatever my sister is in. Why aren't they like that with me? I really wish I had the same amount of attention I feel she gets. I'm told I get the same amount of attention, and that may be ture seeing how every-so-often mom or dad flux up with a name here and there or associates something that either one of us knows proving wrong and whatever. Ok, that didn't make sense, but neither do my parents sometimes. They do talk in pronouns. Still, I wish I had someone in the household that gave a damn about what I'm into. I mean, really into it. Like they watch Cowboy Bebop with me every Saturday night at 11:30 ET/10:30 CT (little plug there, hehehe) or at least try and play Dance Dance Revolution with me. Maybe even someone to talk to about my relationships in the gay online circet. I used to have someone like that, but then Graduation hit and we never saw each other. I lost his e-mail addy, and he went to college in some town to be closer to his dad. My only best friend outside of cyberspace.

Little bit of advice? Life without a friend is a lonely life.

Just got back from the theaters. I saw ET.

Review
Nicely redone. Nothing much has changed from the original, which makes the storyline good to those that don't like change. The clean up they did digitally is so clear you can hear the hum that ET emmits when usings his telekinetic powers to make the play-dough fly in the air. The added scenes put more humor into the movie as well as answer a few questions while leaving several more. I wonder what little Drew Berrimore said in that one part when the mom picks her up? I couldn't make it out. They made ET more emotional, which I like alot! At the end, you can tell now that he was feeling regreatful for leaving instead of looking fake in the original. My only gribe is that they didn't clean up ET as much as I think they should have. There are some scene that while the original puppet did it's job, I was hoping they would throw in the a new expression or clean up the lip sync that they ulimately didn't do. Those with a good eye will see that the new ET is smoother with less wrinkles. Those big blue eyes will just kill you. So expressive.

Changing gears here, I wonder why I go to these kind of stuff? Yeah, there is alot of tech in it that I want to admire, but at the same time, I was for the second time this year in a theater surrounded by kids half my age. The first was for the IMAX edition of Beauty and The Beast. Maybe I'm trying to recapture a lost youth. That would explain alot about why I still act childish and unsure as well as smart and arrogent sometimes. A scary transition between the carefree days where all you had to worry about was missing the next episode next week and the responsibilities of getting a job just to eat what you want for dinner. Like my dad always says to me whenever I ask for the impossible, "You can't have it both ways."

Why is it that my mother thinks she knows what's best for me when she doesn't even know who I am?! What's up with that?! UGH! Screw my rule about not blogging when mad. I hate her! All she ever does is nag nag nag and the more she nags me to do something, the more I don't want to do it! Forced haircuts, "do you want me to call this college for you?", "when will you get a job?"

WHEN THE HELL WILL YOU FIGURE IT OUT MOM?! THE MORE YOU ASK, THE MORE I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! ARE YOU THAT STUPID?! CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH?! I KNOW YOU CAN SPEACK IT, BUT GOD! WHEN WILL YOU GET A CLUE THAT PEOPLE HAVE THEIR LIMITS AND YOU ARE DRIVING MINE TO THE POINT WHERE ALL I WANT TO DO IS SHUT YOU UP!

Hey, this made me feel better.... No wonder I decided to keep this.

Woke up this morning rudely. Apparently my mother wanted me to go to the snack shop we own so she can show me off as far as my artistic skills go. Whatever. They don't know me. They still think I'm doing CGI. Hello?! Earth to braindead? My computer DIED!! It's like I'm on the other side of the universe from them. They are on top of my sister knowing when she needs to go where and what is coming up and who her friends are. Me? God, it's like I'm just here supposible unchanged. If you ever watched the episode of Hey Arnold! where Helga's dad is trying to spend time with her, listen to her speach when she bitches out her dad. That's kindda the way I feel about my parents.

I got angry over that, so I threw some old... very old artwork in my mom's face to get out. I was going to blog, but I remembered a certain blog post that I did when I was angry that did more harm than good. Instead I had a nuked breakfast of Raviolli. Wait a sec, that had meat in it. Damn. Oh well, I'm going to Hell anyway according to the Baptists down here. Besides, I forgot it was "No Meat" day in my fit of rage. At least I still haven't had any Coke since Lent started.

Since calming down, I've been bored out of my mind. I want to see the rerelease of ET but I don't have any cash. I figure just go and beg some off of mom or dad. Why not? They gave me Hell this morning. In any case, I really need some excitement in my life. This whole day to day blah that I've been doing isn't fun at all.

I want to get back to Seattle and soon. I had more fun there.

Well, it's done. I finally finished it.

About a week ago, I mysteriously started drawing a person I thought I knew. The more I drew him, they more... uhm... etherial? he came out to be. In sort, I drew my gaurdian angel I believe. During the week after starting this, every time I look at the drawing I feel like it wasn't my hand that drew it. Yes, it's my style, but I could not have drawn a body or hair or a face that good! I suck at hands and feet and those came out better than what they normally do. Like most of my drawing, I was about to leave it unnamed. Then it hit me. I was calling him Alex. Ironically, Alexandor is my mom's mom's madian name I think. I never knew my mom's side of the family; they all died at different points before I was born and up untill I was 17 when my mom's brother died leaving her as the only one left on her side of the family. Harsh, huh? Still, no mater how harsh that or any event that comes at me, when I look at the picture I drew, I feel at peace. It's as if a calm is drawn over me looking at that picture as a voice is telling me that everything will be fine. Alex is here to protect me when I need it, but why did I draw him? And why now?

Another mystery still stands. I drew him closing his eyes. Normally, eyes are what I love about a person next to their built as far as the surface goes. Maybe his eyes are so beautiful that I can't duplicate them on paper. I'll never know. All I can guess is that behind those eyelids are the most comforting and loving eyes I could stare into. If only I could see him.

God, I'm hopeless...

You explain this one to me.

I had a dream where I owed a dragon that wouldn't listen to me untill I started crying and anything audible (that you can hear) was muted when I was crying, including me.

Maybe this is my head reeling in the feeling that I don't think I'm listened by those that are stronger than me. Either that or I'm trying to control something I can't to begin with. Wonder what a dragon symbolizes? I wish I had one of those dream symbol books now.

Ok, let's face it now. After about two and a half weeks, this blog has seen nothing but stupidity and mindless ranting. The people I want to read it aren't, and I don't think anyone else wants to read this crap. Why do I have this then? All I'm doing is talking to the wind. Theroputic or not, I really don't have a reason to do this anymore. Why I am keeping it is beyound me. Maybe I'm just getting hopeful and thinking someone will read this and be all "Hey, I know how you feel." but I doubt that will happen. I just want the people that think I'm weird to understand me. To know that I'm not weird. I'm human just like they are. And all I want out of them and out of them reading this blog is a better understanding of me. Ok, so they think this blog is stupid in some parts. So label me stupid! Some think that what they read the frist time around makes me a writer. Then call me a writer! This blog is still new, and I'm trying to make it as organic as possible. A cry for help? Maybe... or maybe I'm just despritely trying to find where I belong.

Again I wake up near noon. I wonder why I didn't publish yesturday? Oh well. I can't do much of anything right. Progress for me always seems to be one-step forward two-steps back. I don't really know how to express what I'm feeling as I work up, so I dug through my old English folder for some writing that may. I found an old sonnet I wrote supprisingly well. So well in fact, the teacher thought I wanted to kill myself. Eh, go figure. When you are the odd kid, you are watched at a little bit closer than most of the troublemakers. Here's the sonnet that I think best describes what I'm feeling right now after screwing up yet again with my online friends.

Depression
Date:Read April 4, 2001

So now I'm left without a single hope
in this forever darken place called Hell.
Forever have I lost what I can cope
with, and towards the bottom of this well
I go. Sweet death, give me my life again
by taking this one from me now! Away,
please go away all things that caused my pain!
I wish not to know this hurt everyday
of my life. I know not the feeling love.
To find this lost emotion is a dream
that cannot be granted by even doves
who turn away from my old voiceless screams.
Let little hope and lovely dreams rule me,
for I cannot change it. I'll let it be.

A sonnet like mine is said to take a master to write. I don't believe that. I was in a class of at least 30 that wrote just as well. Why mine is said to be better, I don't know why. So it incompasses the pain part of a sonnet. So what? All I've ever known was disappointments since moving. Yeah, I've had my fun moments, but they were short lived and sometimes destroyed by something later that day be it an arguement or otherwise. I'm not compleately depressed. If anything, I'm like Daria. I don't take much in a negative light, it's the harsh light of reality that I see.

Maybe to prevent a total breakdown I just try to do something superficial to make myself happy. Writing on the blog can only vent so much. Yeah, I'll feel better afterwards, but stuff will still bother me. You never really get rid of a bee sting after you remove the stinger. The pain will be there for a while. Maybe that's why I'm listening to my burned DDR soundtracks and mixed CDs. Dance music and dancing seem to put me in a good mood. That and video games. Yup, my addiction. Like an alcoholic, I'm drawn to them for my happiness. Ironically, when I talk about video games, I end up making more friends and keeping them even if only on that shallow ground. I geuss irregular contact can help, but I don't like that feeling. Every time that happens, I have this feeling like I blew it in keeping a friend. Sometimes I see them again, but that's rare.

Let's face it. I can't keep many people as friends, not unless they have some kind of patiants or a point of view like Chris who saw me as just a good listener and someone dealing with the same shit he was. I wonder if I should post that other writing I have about people that pick and chose their friends? It's a bit angry in tone. I'll think about it.

Well, I made up about 11 out of the 20 hours of lost sleep I had over the past two days. It's been awhile since I last work up at noon.

Last night was a different story. I was cold. Very cold. I tried everything to stay warm, just I just couldn't. I think it was my body going into recovery or something. The next thing I knew I got really dizzy against the approval of an online friend. I couldn't help it. I thought I was going to pass out, but I didn't untill I laid down on the couch. 11 hours later...

The human body is an amazing thing.

Today, among the pain and helplessness I really didn't want to experiance, I probibly produced enough gas from farting and burping to power a small car. I made the mistake of also having my sister pick up a milkshake for me. I used it to break the feaver since I couldn't get up and get a cold towel. What I did was held the cup and used the cold transfered to my hand to my head for as long as the cup would last. When I drank it, I didn't get any better. Waves of goosebumps came and went, but the stomach pain still didn't leave. At one point, the right side of my face went to sleep.

Then came the part of the human body I just hate. I puked. I didn't know I was going to; I was just answering a call of nature. The next thing I knew, I'm throwing up in the toilet. I pretty much threw up whatever I ate today and then some of last night. Surprisingly, I'm better now.

Weird stuff...

As if you can't tell by my iMood icon, I'm sick. Here's how it breaks down.

23:00ish
Started to have stomache pains. It felt like it was getting eaten from the inside and then churning like a washing machine. On top of that, I had the most vile case of "The Runs" I've ever had. I did not know shit could come out in liquid form. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Oh well, too late now. I tried to think nothing of it.

00:00ish
"The Runs" got more frequent and more vile causing IM conversations to be put on hold for a while as I answered the call of nature. I really wish I had an answering machine for that. Instead of the churning feeling, I started to feel like something was bubbling in my guts, mainly where the kidneys were. It started to affect my head causing me to not be able to talk right or pick bad words for IMs. At least that's what I remember happening towards 02:00. I was told that it was just gas by one of my online friends and that I should try to drink something that would make me burp. Being Catholic, I gave up Coca Cola for Lent and had to steal a Dr. Pepper can from my sister's stash that she gave up for Lent as well. It didn't help. If anything, it made the bubbling more painful and more frequent.

02:00
All hell broke loose. All IMs stoped cause I was saying the wrong things at the wrong time. I could feel my arms going hallow and the cold. At one point my right pinky had a will of its own. I felt hot and then cold and then my body tried to balance out so I could walk upstairs to my room. Against all advice, I layed down in hope that it would go away.

03:34
Still wide away. He was right. Laying down in this state would kill my sleep. I thought it was morning, but when I looked at my clock, it just changed to 03:35. That must have been the longest hour and a half I've ever had.

03:59
My body started getting hotter, and my breathing even heavier. I've been like this before on Christmas. I remember passing out, so all I had to do was wait for it. It didn't come right away. While on my back, my legs lifted to almost a sit-up position and my arms followed by crossing over my chest. I was thinking I was in a mock fetal position.

04:28
I checked the clock again. I swore it had to be at least 06:00, but it wasn't. I slowly forced myself out of the sit-up position I was in and tried to go to sleep among the heaviy breathing and heat I was collecting under my blanket and clothing. I actually went to sleep this time. I didn't pass out... I don't think.

05:01
The garage door opening work me. I knew from there I was sick. Normally, a healthy male has an erection when they wake up. Not this morning. The first sign I knew I was sick. I tried to got back to sleep but failed. My eyelids felt heavy and my eyeballs puffy. My legs were stiff and my neck stiffer. I just laid there as I was. This time I was cooling down some, but I could still feel the bubbling of something in my side. Waves of goosebumps came and went all over my body. They started in the lower left lung area and then would ripple out to the reast of my body. Each time it would change from hot to cold and back to hot.

05:31
I slid out of my bed and slowly walked to the nearest bathroom. I didn't care if it worked. I needed to piss. I passed my dad in the kitchen and told him I'm sick. He replied "Sick of what?" I didn't feel like playing along so I just told him flat out that I'm just sick. He advised to see if my mother had any medicane. I decided to see if there was anything, even if it was some dinky child cold thing.

05:35
Swallowed down two teaspoons of DayQuil that I think was used just in case Jessica had a cold. I really didn't like the fact mom read the damn warning label to my face as I sat there waiting for that plastic cup. The bubbling is still going on, but at least I'm burping now.

Ever have a dream where you are running away from something? That normally is a symbol of fear. Ever have a dream like me where you are trying to run towards something that can never be gotten? That's the sign of desire sometimes, a want that you have been striving for unknowingly most of the time.

Well, I had another chase dream today, but this one I knew what it was trying to say. The dream takes place in a familar parking lot, a small commercial area near where I live. In the dream, I'm running after a person only to end up passing him/her. I try to run back to the person but pass him/her again! Finally, when I am out of breath and have given up, three people, namely the last three people I was ever friends with, come up to me and check if I'm alright. Man, I miss Rory. I wonder if he got adopted yet? Anyway, so what is this dream trying to tell me? Simple. Don't chase the people who you want to be friends with down. Friends will come to you. I don't know why I had this dream. I'm not really chasing anyone down, I don't think. Well, there is this one group of online friends that I'm attatched to more-so than they'll ever know, but am I chasing them? Well, I do try a bit too hard to keep them, but I don't think that's considered chasing... is it?

In other news: I'm a bit mad at RuneScape. They are adding more and more new features to the pay-2-play servers and not to the little free server I play on. So I can't afford $45 per year to open the new features. Can't the guy just give us something? Like at the least Dueling options? It also makes me a bit uneasy that the people that pay to play are one of the most powerful in the game. Every last one of them somehow got the newest armor and strongest weapon within a few weeks of the launch. It's only a matter of time before the Battle Staves that make the Wizard class more powerful become as common as a naked newbie on the free server.

In all the time I spend complaining on Blogger and playing NeoPets and RuneScape, my sister thinks that I could be doing something more productive in college. Possibly even make something that would blow RuneScape out of the water. It wasn't much of a motivational speach, but it did it's job and got me thinking. What am I worried about? Mostly cost, but even that can be solved with a simple scholorship. Oooo, so-many off just for writing left handed. Too bad I'm a right hander. Being put into a catagory to get money isn't really want I want to get into college. Personally, I rather be rewarded based on merit and not on what hand I write with or if I'm a decendent of someone who made the college what it is today or is a Daugther of the American Revolutionary War (which I'm not) or something as stupid as being the star basketball player. Yeah, it helps, but then there are the people that get a free ride to college because the scored the highest out of 12 people in the nation on some test. That's the kind I wish there were more of, only with less testing. The kind that says to you something like "Hey! You're good at what you do. We have a class here for you. Check us out! No? Well, how about $20,000 a year plus dorm and books for an insentive?" Not a bad deal if you think about it. Still, this is life, and you got to do what you got to do. Too bad I'm not following the rules on this one. Still, that Batchlor's Degree in Video Game Design that only 6 people in the country are going for this school year seems really attractive. "This is a class for those that are passionate about video games." Count me in!

College Facts the Admissions Office Never Tells You About No. 28
The 15 year old Freashmen are real! The 20 year old Freashmen are also real.

I've got to write this dream down before I forget it all. It's a weird one.

The first half takes place in a school concert. I'm playing trumpet. I don't know how to play trumpet in real life! Anyway, after the concert, I had to change out but I couldn't find the backpack of my clothing. I did find my parents in a room talking to a teacher with a very worried look in their eyes. On my way back, one teachers room is turned into a death bed visiting room. I take a visit and for some reason, I'm the only one that's crying that visits her.

The second half is just plan weird. I'm on the run from these stupid looking teen cops for breaking an egg. Very John Woo as far as the chase goes. I then ditch the bike or go-cart or whatever I was on and run like I've never ran before... litterally! I was taking longer strides and at one point was able to clean an five-lane intersection in one single jump! I then hid in my Dad's beat up yellow '78 suburban that had a moon roof, something not found on the real car. Apparently I escaped the cops tailing me, but not the eye in the sky, to which a Latina cop found me.

I really REALLY hate dreams like these. They make me feel weird when I wake up.

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

My aunt showed me the short, nearly 5 minute interview with, you guessed it, Apolo Anton Ohno. Nice guy, from the interview. Good sense of humor about himself. Still, I wonder what he meant by "I'm seeing people." when he was asked if he has a girlfriend. Eh, what do I know? Not many celebrities, gay or straight, tell if they are seeing someone unless they are madly in love or need the publisity.

Fame. A strange thing that is. People seem to be thrown into it for some of the stranget reasons. Something as little as saying a speach can send you into the pages of history forever or even a cute smile can make you instantly trying to dogde the cameras and flashbulbs. I wonder if I'll ever get famous? Not likely, but it would be nice to have that attention even if only for 15 minutes.

Damn, missed a day of blogging. Oh well. Nothing really worth blogging about yesturday.

All I did was spend the time tagging along with my sister to do some DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) machine hunting. At least I saw the third mix machine at Hickory Hallow. I'm also a bit upset that my card at Jillian's went broke faster cause of how much they increased the points used for that game. I hope I have a birthday party there. Infinate points on games for that night! Well, after getting broke, I talked to some people that knew I played cause they come out there alot and found out that Hickory Hallow is doing a DDR TouriMIX. One phrase says it all. THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THEY ARE DOING!

Follow that up with a late night power outage and that's all yesturday.

A day of useful work turns into a day of treasure finding. Among the various articles of clothing and piles of paper, I found an old black English IV folder with various writing inside. After sifthing through the wreckage, I found somethings worth posting for a later date and time.

But, like always, a good day turns bad. Hounded again by the every-so-loving yet every-so-pissible mother of mine about college, I started to wonder what is really going on here. I know my parents love me and want what's best for me, but do they know me? I don't think so. Sure, I live under the same roof as them, but contact is minimal. There are the usual cases of family outings and having a good time, but no real bond has been made in my opinion. On top of that, they way she does it sounds like she is nagging at me, sometimes using my own words against me. Are all mothers like this? I mean, I wish I could say it's the cultural barrier, but I just don't know if it is. Then again, it could be that I don't want to go to college. I know I have to. You can't get a job now without a College Degree of some kind, but what is out there for me? I'm just a brain lost in the clouds. Sure, Physcology sounds fun, but I'll be messing with other people's heads and not my thoughts on the world. Then again, after you flip through here, who'd want to know what's in my head?

Wait, you're here reading this, aren't you?

Woke up from my afternoon nap with the strangest dream. Well, it wasn't strange really. I won't go into detail about it, but it had something to do with me mall tralling all happy with friends and unlimited freedom. No time checks, no worry about money, just compleate freedom. There's something I have yet to do. Well, time to go back to fighting over a Dark Wizard (lvl 25) to kill in RuneScape.

I must be a walking virus. I just have to be. Blogger has been giving me nothing but trouble today!

First off, my first post of the day I had to rewrite cause the cookies failed to save it! I hated doing it cause for starters some of this stuff I come up with come off the top if my head. Not the easiest thing to rewrite, mind you. Second, when I tried to publish it, the stupid thing timed out at me not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES ladies and gentlemen! What else can go wrong today?!

First my toilet, then the only decent computer avalible to me, then my social life. Am I destine to be a screw up?

Did I meantion I burned the roof of my mouth on an oven-freash pizza for lunch while I was typing the FIRST post that I LOST?

Blue
Composed and Arranged by Yoko Kanno
Vocal by Mai Yamane
Soprano Voice: Souichiro Otsuka with Gabriela Robin

Never seen a bluer sky
Yeah, I can feel it reaching out
and moving closer
There's something 'bout blue

Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
No, I couldn't answer

Things have turned a deeper shade of blue
and images that might be real
may be illusion
Keep flashing off and on

Free...
Wanna be free
Gonna be free...
and move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far

Feels so Free...
Gotta know free...
Please...
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed

I'm so free...
No black and white in the blue

Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream, you know
that's never ending
I'm ascending.

I really didn't want to get up this morning. I never do when I feel inadiquit or bad about myself given whatever happened. I really just wanted to go back to sleep, but, as always, my body told me different. After I went upstairs for the morning piss (my toilet here still doesn't work), I saw the most beautiful blue sky out of the window in the stairwell. I almost cried. There's just something about that shade of blue. It feels so freeing, like my dreams are just within my grasp. Sadly, I know that I'll never get there unless I join the blue.

Heh, "join the blue." No, I'm not suicidal anymore, but I still wonder about death. That doesn't mean I'm going to rush into it. Besides, you have to die right in order to be set free. You have to die either of natural causes or of natural causes. There are two kinds of natural causes. The first kind is that of within the body like a heart failure or cancer. The second is human nature. Think about it. What speice of animal is responsible for the most numbers of human deaths? It's ourselves.

I think I owe it to myself to go outide. I need some air. Now, if only I wasn't sick.

Geez!! I had no idea how far out of the loop I was in know what's cool and what's not. Then again, I never did.

What is it about trends and things that are hip deturmaning how popular you are? Okay, so I don't listen to this band or go clubbing. I'm still cool in my own right, right? Some people may think so. I don't know what it is about me that makes me cool, but if they find something they like in me, who am I to argue with them? To each his own.

I really don't see anothing cool about me. What is there to like? So I have a blog, play RuneScape (Yes! No link this time!), have six NeoPets. I'm a fan of Cowboy Bebop. I'm not really all that socialible. I spend most of my time indoors and at home. I play video games. I say the wrong things at the wrong times. I mean well but come off as insensative or selfish. Let's face it. I suck as a human. I'm nothing but a dreamer that can't do anything in reality right. End of story right there. Call it a self confidence issue if you want, but the fact still remains. I can't do anything right let alone be cool to someone.

Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm not trying enough. Maybe all I can do is screw up and never succeed. I don't know. I just hope that this track record of me screwing up alot changes itself around and I end succeeding socially.

I can't believe I wrote all those bios for the game idea I have. Then again, I can't believe I was able to make up some of the stuff in the bios either. Test Tube Babies of Genome Labs, Space Cats, The United Galaxies, Xero Diplomatic robots. Where did all this come from?

It's funny. I keep hearing this same line over and over. "Today's Science Fiction is tomorrow's Science Fact." I didn't think that was true untill I saw someone say that is can be possible to travel in time using a black hole thanks to Einstien's E=mc². Then I hear talk that you may be able to reanimate a dead human if you were able to do it right and start the heart up the right way. I know bipedal androids are around the cornor. Honda invented one that has a battery life of about 30 mins. It's only a matter of time till we start flying around like the Jetsons. I really hope we don't have their fashion.

Technology seems to raise alot of emotions. For me, it's mostly anger. Technology never seems to work for me. For others, it's ethics. April May, one of my characters, is a test tube baby from a genome lab. In light of cloning projects done on sheep and cats, people are really worried that we may end up being able to geneticaly clone a "perfect" human. I don't think that's possible, really. Nothing is perfect, and even clones have flaws. Miss Dolly the clone sheep has arthitous for crying out loud! Still, Metal Gear Solid was the first to bog my mind of the potential genome projects they could make. In Metal Gear, they used cloning and "The Super Baby" method to create what they thought was the perfect army of fighters. Acute vision and hearing as well as perfect hit ratios where what they tried to come up with and ultimately failed at. Still, you got to wonder, are we doing this now? Are we making walking battle tanks and cloning humans behind the media's back to create the perfect army? Are we playing God when we aren't suppose to? Could this mean the death of us all?

Thought of the Morning: Two of the most popular technology computer platforms (namely AOL and MSN) are also two of the most unreliable computer programs.

Make sense? It does to me. I hate when technology kicks the bucket when you don't want it to. I wonder if phones where like that when they were first invented.

I'm starting to feel like I can't do anything social right. I dunno, I keep saying the wrong thing or act a certain way or just plan can't please anyone. i can't be cool like this or talk at this time. I try to meet everyone's demands, but when I do I get the impression that it wasn't good enough for them. Weither they say it or not, I just feel like I can't do much of anything right. I always feel like I'm in the wrong.

New Discovery: Apparently I can write better than I can draw. I guess I should use this talent to write up the backstory to my game idea.

I dunno why I added the iMood indicator or my e-mail addy. They hold my real name. Oh well, so much for keeping my identity a secret. Hey, even Lois found out Clark was Superman.

The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to regret sharing this blog and making it public. Not really the best thing for most people that want to get to know me. I dunno, but this insight into my mind can be a bit offensive and come off in ways I really never intend them to. Then again, others may think that I'm just a compleate moron. My opinions and thoughts have been known to kill many good things. Dinner plans, friendships, group projects, friendships, overall classroom evnvironment, friendships, rates of call times, and did I meantion friendships?

I guess I'm too different for people to get. Those that do like Chis maybe get a certain part of me and not the rest. I don't know if anyone truely understands my twisted head. I know I don't. Maybe this blog is a good thing. If it is such a good thing, then why am I feeling like I said something wrong here that could kill another friendship... and an important one at that. Important to me cause it's my last friendship that I can hold on to. It's the only one I have left and for reason I can't keep it as well as I thought I could.

How do you keep friends? I never understood that. Do you talk to them from time to time? That seems to be what my sister does alot. Do you hang out with them and listen to the same stuff as they do? My sister does.. kindda. What is it that I don't get on how to keep friends?

It's times like this I wish I was my sister. Little miss popular in her own right. Sure, she may not be all that tall or have what everyone considers to be perfect or whatever, but she's popular. More so than I'll ever be. All her friends love her and they gossip with her and hang out. She is in regular physical contact with them if not practically living with them! All I have are words on screen. Words from IMs that can be easily misunderstood or misread. I should know; I've been on both sides of that coin. I'm so jelous of her, but she will never know just how much I wish I could be like her and live one day with what she's got. One day, just me and a bunch of friends doing whatever and just having fun being together. Just one day... since I can't have it everyday like her.

What is with all these school dreams?

I'm in class drawing after a test. I don't remember the class, but I know I was surrounded by people I either hated or were more popular than me. One of the ones that only is my friend just to make himself look good (you know the type) actually came out and said he wasn't my friend because I said he wasn't. When the bell actually rang (I had a high school that had a tone rather than a bell), I went to Erin's locker. Erin was the once-upon-a-time girlfriend of Chris, a friend of mine who I connected to very well and miss dearly. Easy listener too. So was Erin if you caught her in the right mood. If you didn't, you were in for a yelling about whatever it is that's pissing her off at the moment. Anyway, at Erin's locker, I have the pleasure of open in it before going to my locker. Instead of books, her locker is filled with tapes. Audio tapes of mixed songs line the locker like it was a small record store. I say my good-bye with a kiss on the cheek to which all that surrounded went "OOOooooooooo" like they were all in Kindergarden. As I walk down the hall, my bag starts to weigh me down. I felt my knees get heavy and impossible to move, and my next class was upstairs.

That's when a cramp in my leg work me up.

Well, at least this one was semi-realistic dream.

Ever say something you never meant? I seem to do that alot. Contridiction. There's a word that if I misspelt it here I need to learn for personal ads. According to my sister, and in some cases I see it too, I do it alot.

It's weird. How can you mean something but then say something you don't mean? Is something lost in the words or body movements? Maybe it's the whole "spur of the moment" kind of deal. Emotions can do that sometimes. Even being tired or drunk can make you say or do some of the dumbest things in your life. No one really, truely means to be be hurtful or come off as smug or anything that they don't want to come off as. I don't think anyone intends to hurt anyone's feelings in a hieghten state of anger or sadness or whatever. I could be wrong. Most of the times in a hieghten stat of emotion, that's when the truth comes out. The truth hurts, yeah, but it always is. No matter how hard you try to suger coat it, it will always hurt.

Me? I say stuff I wish I could take back alot of times. Maybe a few of these blog posts too. I don't want to delete them, mostly cause I want to see just what exactly I am and how I act. The other reason is because I can't take them back. They've been said and recorded in time. You can't change the past. And like most things, the past affects your present actions that will ultimately affect your future. That's the way your actions affect you. Big or small, they will come back to haunt you and change you. Kindda like Karma, really.

Frankly, I'm just trying to hard to please everyone in what I say and do while pleasing myself. Something everyone keeps telling me you can't do no matter how hard you try. I'm starting to see why. Every time I try I screw up. I keep on digging just a little bit deeper to the point I can't get out. I can never do anything the right way. I want to, but every time I try to it blows up like a bad chemistry project. I wish I was smarter sometimes. Then when I wish that, I wish I was more outgoing and like the others my age. I dunno why I'm so different.

I keep comparing myself to that kid you see on TV shows about school. You know, the odd ball that sits by himself with that mysterious arua of the unknown hanging around him? I'm not talking about the goth kids that dress in black or the nerds that spend their time in the computer lab or reading. The one that just sits there staring and playing with his food aimlessly in the back. The one you don't notice. Every high school TV show has them because every real life high school has them too. I know, 'cause I was that kid.

Six months ago, on this day, the world changed. No one will forget.

Two planes attacked the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. A third crashed into the Pentagon. The symbols of our contry's economic and military power. So many lives lost, so much change. Something doesn't seem real about it.

Like that day six months ago, I slept threw the hours of 9-11. Unlike that day, I had to change to CNN on my own. Six months ago, when I turned on the TV, every station was tuned in to the CBS news station. Some were turned to CNN. I looked at the replays and was, and sometimes still is, amazed. It wasn't real. It just couldn't be. It looked too plan and too pre-produced to me. How could it be real? Is it real? Like today, I have the news on. Six months later, the country is still morning. And like then, the country is together again. For how long? Why can't we be like this forever? Together. Unified. Loving.

Is It Real?
Words by Tim Jensen
Music and Arranged by Yoko Kanno
Vocals by Scott Mathew

Figurines that fall like leaves then disappear, keep calling
Is it real? Is it real?
Dark machines that wheeze and breathe and mock the air, appalling
What is real? What is real?

This world can really be too much
I can't take another day
I guess that I've just had enough
My minds slipping far away
I'm falling in and out of touch
Could someone please explain?

Set my mind for open sky, but couldn't fly, so sadly
What am I? What am I?
Sullen eyes shed teardrop lies then criticize, now laughing
What is real? What is real?

It's really all become too much
I'm not sure what I should feel
I guess I've finally had enough
I don't know if this is real
I'm crashing in and out of touch
Can anyone explain?

This always happens. Always.

I have a good day, a really good day. A day full of laughing and having fun. The rarest of days when I don't have to worry about much of anything except what time it is. Then what happens? Like a summer storm out of no where, something bad happens when I sign on and talk to my online friends. A stupid arguement about how I'm not on as much or how I don't read IMs at a late hour when my brain is about to fry out or how I say the stupidest things at the stupidest of times. Something like that or maybe more. If I'm really lucky, maybe all three at once.

I don't expect them to be online when I am or say the right things or anything like that. I don't ask it from them. I just try to be the friend I can be given how all my friends here are all gone and off living their own lives. It's like when you call someone. Sometimes they're there, and sometimes they aren't. That's the same thing with online IMs to me. Sometimes you are on, and sometimes you aren't. At the time of day (or night even) when I'm on, I don't expect anyone to be on! Then why do I say online? Just in case. If no one comes on, that's like calling a friend up only to get the answering machine. That means they aren't there and are busy doing other things. If that's the case, cool. That's life. No one can be on when you want them to be sometimes.

So you didn't get in contact with a buddy to ask him the daily "wazup dude?". So what? Is that such a crime? I learned the hard way if you want people to talk to you, you got to not stalk them or expect them to be like a clock and come on the phone when you tell them to. People are not robotic slaves to talk to you when you need to talk to you. I had to learn that, so I'm passing it on to whoever reads this. People are humans. They get tired; they get bored; they get sudden changes of events in their plans. No one can cater to everyone's wish unless they were a genie or a maid or something hired for it.

With me, it's simple. I don't have access to a personal computer. Yeah, I have access to a computer, but this isn't mine. Look at the time stamps on some of these blogs. They are posted when no one is using the laptop. I can't use the iMac we have. Mostly cause it sucks when surfing the web, but also cause I never know when my sister may need it for a report. So, like how some people never get to the phone cause they are in the bathroom and the phone is on the other side of the room, I can't get online on my IM programs because of the fact I can't have access to a computer 24/7.

God, I wish I had room for another Volcano! desert from Rainforest Cafe. I need comfort food right now.

A dream about casting spells to open a gate in my home in my own funky language I made up, driving around town late at night with a friend I never had, seeing the neighborhood slut take in another male virgin, and singing from an old bar pirate?! The creative wildfire that seems to occationally fizzle out every so often only to be picked back up with a gental gust of wind to spread the embers has done nothing more but invaded my subconsious. Instead of dreamming dreams that may mean something that I think about too much about, they have now turned into little specks of ideals and wants created by the one desire to simply have fun.

To be free. Uncontrolled. No limits! I never really felt like that. They said that that time is in that time between when you can talk in full sentances and put together thoughts and right before Kindergarden. I never had that kind of luxury. I was stuck in a daycare downtown or off in the suburbs somewhere. What I can remember seemed like fun, but I was still bond by rules that were eventually stuck in my head. As time went on, more rules got thrown in and branded in my brain. Now I'm no better than my mom. Planing everything major. Sure, I try to act carefree because I want to so badly, but I just can't. Money, rules, or simply doubt prevents me sometimes. I've lost the inner child in my somewhere in the dark forest of rules. The only thing that's guiding him back are the things of today's youth. Pokemon, popular anime like DBZ and Cowboy Bebop, occationally even singing and music. Definately games though.

In games, I can be anything I want! I can be the best dancer on the stage or a turmpet playing puppet master off to save the world and find true love; a boy with a passion to be a Dragonmaster or someone capible of beating up hoards of baddies hand-to-hand and still look good doing it. I can live in their worlds for a change. I won't have to worry about anything but how many PokeBucks I have to get an UltraBall or what element type is this gargoyle so I know what spell works best against him from which of my female characters since he's a Libra and female Libras are stronger in the game when attacking their male counterpart. I can save the world, get the girl (or the guy in one game), and become the best in my little world! Sadly, I know, that once I'm all happy, I'll ultimately have to press the power button and turn it off and face the rule bound reality. No more dragons or wizards or little Woopers to follow me around. Just me, and my non-directional life.

What is it that sparks a creative wildfire in the mind? I don't get it. I've never had a flooding of this many ideas before. I've never DRAWN this much before either. Maybe this hoaky game idea has got me trying to do something impossible. Or maybe I'm just board with the internet. I mean, the places I go to may be exciting somewhat, but they haven't changed much. And for the first time I'm actually creating something that is totally my own and not some freakish fan fiction designed to worship the ground they walk on, even if it is fictional to begin with. Still, what is it that makes me do this? I was in a creative dry up untill a few days ago.

Maybe it isn't a spark at all. Maybe it's more like a lightning bolt. It strikes and strikes hard catch things on fire if the conditions are right. Maybe that's where the term "Brainstorm" comes from. So what causes these kinds of storms? I have no clue. Maybe it's the childlike innocence we all have inside of that we've lost touch with. That part of us that made pots and pans into drumbs and towels into superhero capes. That free and wide imagination that has no limitation to how crazy or high it can go. I hope it's this and not the other.

Somewhere between drawing up the last emotion face for Alexia Brown and trying to figure out a name for my aged Asian Lt. Commander who will have an ill-fated death in a potential gaming idea, I started thinking about my drawing and designing skill as a career. That lead to me thinking about why I started thinking about that. What is because I'm broke and needed the money or because I want to see some of my anime characters come to life just once? Maybe it was a little of both. Yeah, there is that sense of pride one gets when they see their work in the news because of how groundbreaking it is, but I'm far from that. If anything, I'm just a geek with a weird imagination. Then again, so are the guys at Disney that make all the rides as well as the person resposible for Mario and Sonic.

My motto is this: If you like what you do, then do it for a living. Why work at something you hate when you can work at something you love?

New Discovery: Cooking and listening to Linkin Park is quite relaxing.

Okay, I'm no Emeril, but I can cook... some. Not very good, but able to at least eat. Exparimenting with food is one of my flaws. Tonight I tried to add a little blend of spices and sauses. Big mistake. While the taste was nice the first bite around, I found myself quicky shoving the failed fried rice down the sink disposal. A bit too sour and not enough sweet. Now I'm drinking water like a fish just to get the taste of whatever it was I mixed together out of my mouth. Maybe next time I'll break out the measuring cups... or just stick to what I know how to cook. Thank God for microwavible pizzas.

Ah, music. Ever since I was little, I grew up around music. It's been a part of my life for so long it's like breathing. Tastes are broad and wide. The Calling, YK & the Seatbelts, Christina Agularia (I could never spell anything Spanish), as meantion before Linkin Park, Noaki, Alison Krauss, John Williams, and yes, even *NSync. The list and apprechation of music goes from anywhere to American Jazz to Japanese Pop to Europe Dance. I'm pretty much adaptible to anything that is audible. While I don't really care for the folk/tribal tunes on a regular basis, I can't help but be put back into the raw and almost unrehearsed sound of it. That was how music was before we had and mankind all the instruments and technology we have. That's part of my life. Now if only I can carry a tune worth recording.

A dream of church run by Billy Grahm and full of redneck hillbillies armed with nothing but an acustic guitar?! FOR AN AFTERNOON NAP?!?!?! This is the last time I ever take a nap without a full and hearty Breakfast and Lunch in my stomach!

In other news: "My" toilet's tank pump went ka-poot. Great, so I can't do number 1 AND number 2. The pluming here really needs to be replaced. Commercial building isn't solid anymore. Maybe that's why I wanted this dream house that had to be built a certian way so that there are no flaws whatsoever.

I am thinking about sharing this blog with those that want to know me. That's the main goal at least. I already have literally a family of friends that want to read it. I dunno, I'm scared they may hate me after I show them this. I don't really go with the mainstream let alone with the flow here like I do outside of the computer screen. I'm so against the grain it's not even funny. In fact, some of my opinions and ranting have been known to chase away several friends online. More so that I do in real life. The only difference is that they can hear the passion and emotion in my voice and see my body language. Not online. Wish I had a web cam to fix that. Oh wait, I don't have my own computer. Duh. Anyway, I told one of the many that want to know me better that this blog is alot like a diary, very personal. Some people may not agree with it and then there are some that read it and think I'm some nutjob about to open a second Heaven's Gate. Then there are those that may think of this blog as humorous. My humor is like that of MTV's Daria, very sarcastic yet smart sometimes. I doubt any of that has reveal itself here yet. Then again, what do I know? I'm just trying to get people to understand me. How do I do that? Well, that may be the reason for this blog. In fact, I hope it's what comes out of this blog.

Since Daria is no longer being shown, I'll close this post with an example of her humor:

"I gave you all D's on your papers because you kept refering to Romeo as Leo. However, I did give you extra credit for realizing that the movie and the book are connected."

Yet another example of how stupid and greedy people are.

A fellow gamer on RuneScape (Hmm.. I've been plugging this site too many times) was hacked. I knew him from NeoPets (I really need to stop plugging like this) where he got hacked once before. There he got hacked when he reached about a million NeoPoints, the money-like item that everyone there is striving for. He knew who did it and quit the game seeing how it was his second time he got hacked; the first time being when he had only a few hundred thousand NP. This time around, it was different. Not only did he lose all his game money, he lost about 3 million worth in items in the game. He mostly lost potion and armor that he worked so hard for. Unlike his previous time, he kept playing the game. Why? Cause RuneScape (Damn, another one) is a game about skill. Apparently the skill of deception is one of the skills you can use in the game. Like I said before, the ones that play by the rules are the onces that get cheated.

This may be a streach, but this "being hacked" thing in online games isn't a new thing. Know anyone getting robbed before? It's the same idea. Someone somehow gains access to where you hold your valuibles, be it your house or the bank, and runs off with them. In the game, everything can be gained again in time. Not in real life though. When you are robbed in real life, you lose memories, heirlomes, one-of-a-kind jewels or artwork, investments like TVs and computers. These kinds of things can't be regained. While new ones can be bought, some times it won't feel the same way. Nothing new can replace the feel and comfort of the old. Money is not really important sometimes. When you're robbed, that's when it shows how much you've taken it for granted. It also shows just how greedy and low some people can be.

I must be lucky. I have yet to be hacked in either RuneScape or NeoPets.... (DAMMIT! There went two more plugs!)

"...from every walk of life people need and the less fortunate need even more."

Amen to that! But, still, most of the time, all I see is greed, and I see it in the stupidest of places!

I saw it on NeoPets of all places, a virtual pet site designed to those under the age of 15! People wanted power and money in the game. That's all they cared about! The bigger your shop, the better you are was the mind set. It's stupid!

I even see it on RuneScape! Everyone there is like "Oh, I must have the highest armor avalible!" or they go all hell bent on trying to get this one weapon that has the highest attack power or, for even more bragging rights try to mine gold like it's water. And what sucks is that the game is a game of SKILL, NOT MONEY! It's been proven prior to the bank system being installed in the game that when you die in the game, you lose everything but not your skills. And people playing just don't get it! Those that do are the ones that get cheated! It's just stupid!

Everyone wants power and to be rich, even in the virtual world.

And you want to know what's even more sad? What's even more sad is that it has to take something like 9-11 to wake the world up to seeing money and power aren't the important things in life! That right there makes me sick. We can't come together as a country unless something mega happens.

My sister and I got into a really weird discussion over dinner. We never talk about our day like a normal family. In fact, my sister does most of the talking during dinner. Anyway, we go onto the subject of music and MP3s. Prior to my computer's death (that's right, I'm not using MY computer), I was an avid MP3 collecter. Why? Well, my main reasons for downloading and burning were:

A) I only liked one or two songs off the CD
B) The remixes and live tracks aren't avalible on the open market
C) The music I listen to isn't avalible on this side of the globe

So what happens? My sister says that durning the Grammies, some big-wig comes out and prevents the tribute to Aliah (Heaven forgive me for misspelling her name) and George of the Beatles. Why? To make a speach about MP3s and how it is illegal and should be illegal. Hate to tell you this, but this is all old news. My mom says that the same deal happened when VHS and Beta tapes came out with the Movie Actor's Guild and again when audio tapes were made recordible with the very same artist in some cases. In the end, it's all about money. I can't win debates. I guess I'm not really as smart as everyone says I am. Either that or I can't debate to save my life.

"Technology is only as good as the human making it."

How true. If that's the case, Bill Gates isn't as smart as I thought. His Microsoft Network IM program screwed up on me last night. Then, when everything was suppose to work, everything doesn't and I get the dreaded BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH. Talk about evil.

Still, technology has come a long way. We may not be living the life of the Jetsons, but at least we are getting somewhere. But one has to wonder. Are we headed in the same direction as Atlantis? Technology was their downfall. They had all the methods to create a peaceful and wonderful nation with nothing but technology around them. Supposibly, they even managed flight long before the Wright Brothers did. Still, even with all that technology, Mother Nature is much stronger. I'd hate to see what kind of ill-fated results that, say, cloning would bring upon. There are already reports of Miss Dolly the cloned sheep having arthritious and that she make me older physically than chronologically. That should be a sign of something. Even television is responsible for the growing numbers of overweight children. Now the arguement that this technology is bad and this technology is good still remains in the hands of who posses that kind of technology. Like most things, it isn't the object that's bad but the person that uses it.

"...Television has become the new religion..."

Ah yes, the wonderful world of TV. It is the new religion. People like me fly to it like cults to watch a blond kill vampires or see who gets voted off this week from the African heat. Yes, TV is the one thing we can't live without. Thing is, if used right, it can be a great tool.

Some times I like watching the sugar-coated "everything will end with a happy feeling" programs. They make you feel good about a bad day. Sometimes you can even relate to them. Still, the best thing for TV in my opinion are shows that show you what it's like out there. I'm an on-and-off MTV's Real World watcher. Not really a fan, mind you. If someone or something in the preview interests me, I watch. For example, we have in the Chicago Season the classic strike of Homosexual lifestyles verses Southern Baptisit beliefs. This is real life. This is how people really act.

Why am I drawn to these sort of things? I guess it still has to do with my quest for find out the answer to the universal question of life "Why?" Either that or I like watch a good bitch fight now and again.

Behind all the drama and all the camera edits and all the bleeping are some real issues that the world is dealing with. Racism, Homophobia, Aggression, Depression, you name it! These things are still around. You can say all you want that I'm wrong and we've gone pass that as a country, but have we really? We are still divided. People are still doing snap judgements and sometimes keeps those judgements no matter how much they've learned of a person. Idiots will be idiots. The refusel to learn sickens me. We want to be united, but it has to take something like September 11th, 2001 for that to happen. Why can't we just kill the borders, kill the races, kill everything that makes us all different. Money, color, background, sexuality, religion, built and how fit you are. All this crap I hate. When will people realize that you don't know everything. No one does. No one knows how the world works. If you're wrong, quit trying to prove that you're right. Admit that you are wrong! I do! I've made tons of mistakes. It's gotten to the point where I don't believe I'm right on anything anymore. All I know is trivial things like how ghosts aren't suppose to have shadows and the whole Out of Body Experiance crap that everyone things is hoaky and stupid. My skills in Anime tech aren't going to get me any kind of job making the stupid Swordfish II from Cowboy Bebop. No one knows everything. If they do, they are God. And I seriously doubt those that claim they know everything is God embodied.

I did some thinking. Apolo Ohno fasinated me during the Olympics. His sport and pretty much his aura was like a flame I couldn't take my eyes off of. I must have been a moth in a previous life. When the Olympics ended, I didn't watch much TV nor cared to watch all the late night and prime time interviews with Tristian Gale and Derrek Para and the Canadian Ice Dancing pair that cause such a news buzz (damn French judge).

My aunt on the other hand is not like that. She wanted to hear what they had to say about the Olympics from the athleates point of view. That's how most of those interviews go. Last night when she came home from work, she said that on her tape of shows she watches she got a program from the other night (I think it was NiteLine) where they showed Ohno breakdancing on MTV and an interview with Stone Phillips. She sounded enthusiastic about it, mostly on how funny some of his answers where. I tried not to pay attention, but when she said that he can breakdance? I just was amazed. He's a true Seattle party kid, I guess. Maybe that's what drew me to him in the first place. Then again, it could be that "Soul Patch" of his. I'll never know.

In other news: I'm staying away from cereals for a while too. The new Wheaties and Frosted Flakes boxes have been revealed with various Olympians on it. Hey, I have nothing agianst their faces being used for advertisement and monitary gain. I don't like it, but if they have to do it to sell a product like how movies now have to show two teenagers having sex just to get tickets, who am I to stop them? I'm just not going to buy it. I can't buy it anyway; I have no money.

Watch my aunt come home with a cereal box with Apolo on it... or at least the Sara Hughes Wheaties one.

God, what a weird dream I had.

I was in high school again. For some reason Olympian Apolo Ohno attended school with me. I over hear the Principal saying he has some plan to make it school indifinately, and I opt to save the weekend. Kindda sounds like that Disney Movie I never watched only without the band of friends. Anyway, during a pep-rally, which looked more like a joious opening of coffins to get into some kind of prize not meantion in the Wills of the dead, I sneek into Room 24 (after getting distracted in wondering how I can change out of the stupid uniform I was handed that had the KKK logo on it and trying to find Apolo Ohno to help me who didn't want to help) which has a clock with the face on backwards. I look at it, then notice in the refelction that there is a mirror behind me. I try to turn it, but I don't know what direction. The more I turn it, the more numbers I heard. Then I hear "9 - 10 - 18 - 19 - 24" yelled from the gym over the boiler pipes.I turn the clock to military time of those hours with the traditional left-right movement while still looking at the mirror. The wall opens up to show a cast model of some dead lady with a key in her open mouth. Kindda looks like a blond and younger (like 20) Bette Midler. I turn the key in her mouth, and then everything that has happened machincally starts to work backwards. The coffins in the pep-rally start to close and form what looks like big metal steam engines. The bad guy is then attacked by flying crow peoples. The next thing I remember, I was popular. I saw all old faces from high school, mostly of kids I wanted to be friends with but couldn't for some reason like I wasn't cool enough. The next day, I'm looking for Apolo Ohno, but I instead start passing all these gardens. Some of them nice, some of them crude and unfinished, some of them just plain weird. At one garden, everyone was saying "I like Bill" like they were in a commercial for some company. The last garden I saw was full of bonzi plam trees and was playing a tape about how the garden was built by the "Japanese Moto-men."

Then I woke up...

The part of searching for Ohno and never finding him when I was looking for him must mean something. Maybe it means I need to be more independent and quit looking at the stars for guidance. Sure, I need a role model, but will they ever be my best friend? I doubt it.

It's amazing sometimes. One person can make all the difference. Just when you think you are against the ropes with life, someone throws you a life line. Okay, bad analogy, but you get it, right?

Life if funny sometimes. I question it too much. There's something inside me that just makes me want to know the ultimate question "Why?" like it's a test I need to pass before I die. Some things are better left unanswered. Kindda like how any and all Microsoft product will eventually screw up on you. You don't ask why; it just happens for it's own reasons. Ok, so Microsoft isn't that bad, but I haven't had a good rep with it.

Music seems to do me alot of just in settling my moods. Why? There is something about music that can touch every emotion. Music is one of the many expression methods artist use to tell the world what's up. Some times the music is just there for it's own enjoyment. I like a little of both. It helps alot. If you feel depressed, listen to music about being sad. Connect with it. Once you feel like you know there is someone else out there that feels the same way you do sometimes, THEN move to the happy little pop songs that make the money on the radio.

Money. There's a subject I really rather not get involved in. I'm just upset about some of the ideals about what makes the world go round. I wonder how the cavemen did without it? Who am I fooling!? They had their economy. It wasn't cold hard cash, but it was something. The old fashion skill of trading. RuneScape has instituted the practice of trading in the game. Sadly, I think people in the game still don't realize that the game is not about money. It's about skill. Most RPGs are. That's how the world should work, but no. Those with skill we think are the best are normally the ones paid the most. Still, are they qualified? I don't think so. Growing up in a school system where the school board would make stupid decidsion I strongly believed that the board should have been run by those that KNOW the schools and what problems go on. I think the same way about our government, but I can't vote. If I can't vote, I have no voice. I really need to register then.

Told you it wasn't my day. My last post was meant to be longer, but apparently I have a 4k/600 word limit on Blogger's server. There goes all the important stuff I was ranting about. Stuff like that can't be remembered sometimes. Maybe that's why I started a blog.

In any case, what I wanted to say is lost in cyberspace now. What I can remember is this:

I've always said that I'm a textbook student. If it's not written down, I won't know how to do it right. Life is one of those things you have to wing. I should be writing a manual of all my social faux paus, but I know they are just going to put an act of Karma and come back at me. I've made the same mistakes before. But that's what makes people grow. I don't know if this is asking too much, but all I want from life is to be happy. I want to live in a home where I can feel good about who I am and what I do with my life. I want to be surrounded with people that don't care about what mistakes I make, don't tell me "I told you so." but "Oh well, that's how it goes sometimes.", that can deal with all my flaws. I need people that can know me for me and like me. I don't want to be a certain way for them if I can deal with their drinking habits or porn addictions or even their short fuses. I don't ask them to be different cause I like them the way they are! Why can't life... why can't people do that? Why must everything fit a standard that no one can maintain? I just don't get it. Is this really life?

Ugh, definately not a good day to wake up. If I can hear the garage opening at 5:00 in the morning as well as the school bus braking at the corner, I know I'm not going to have a pleasent day. Most of my days that do go smoothly start with me waking up close to 10:00, 9:30 if I feel like getting up.

I had a dream about crap. Not crap as in stuff that you don't care about. Actual crap. They said that's a symbol of wealth in your subconsious. Where did they get that comparison? In the dream, I couldn't flush the crap away. It just wouldn't go down the toilet. If the symbol really means what they say it does, I guess this means I'm going to become rich against my will. I laughed when I realised that. I'll never be much of anything. Sad that I think about it that way, yeah, but me being rich is something I can't see myself at being in any point in time.

Listening to No Reply this morning off JazzMess.com for some depressing reason. I guess I'm not truely over what happened prior to starting this blog. How can I be? I lost my only friend. Some may say that he really wasn't a friend cause I haven't actually met him. I don't like techinalities like that. It's the whole Catholic-but-not-Christian bull that makes me see the world is more screwed up than I am. You worship the same God, so what's so different? Same thing goes for online friends for me. If I get to know them and is able to talk to them on that level that friends phyically can, then I consider then friends. Maybe that's why I'm listening to this song.

No Reply
Composed and Arranged by Yoko Kanno
Words by Tim Jensen
Vocals by Steve Conte

Like the perfect ending
It's won't be too long
Till everything I've ruined has seen me gone
In time, I pray you'll forgive
Now you know the man I am
Can you forgive me?

I fall
Like the sands of time
Like some broken rhyme
At feet no longer there

If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel
I would
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be
For that, I say thank you
This was my life
It never made much sense to me

With every lie that I lived
Part of me would fade
Into this empty shadow I've become
And now I feel so numb
I no longer know myself
But I still know you

I call
And there's no reply
Like some phantom cry
On ears too far away

I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by
The only thing I see is you
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side
I say thank you
Here lies my life
It never felt that real to me

You'll always mean so much to me
And there's no reply
And there's no reply
You'll never know how much you mean to me
And there's no reply
And there's no reply
You'll never know how much you mean to me

If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel
I would
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be
For that, I say thank you
I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by
The only thing I see is you
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side
I say thank you

You in my life
It all meant so much more to me

Yup, a song for every time I screw up.

Oy, why am I still on here tweeking with the template?! I really need some sleep. Maybe tomorrow morning will bring something good for a change. Then again, it rarely does.

Remember when I said my mind was dry? Of course, it was in the last post. And yeah, it's technically tomorrow in my time zone. Well, guess what?

It's not.

I don't know where to start with this one. Someone I used to know said once to just "tell it from the heart. Say what you need to say and say it honestly." If I could say it, then I would. Sadly this kind of place is where I can't endulge on that kind of information. I could get in some major trouble that way.

Then again, I've always been in trouble. I've always said the wrong thing and the wrong time. I never truely got through to many people that saw my views. The ones I try to befirend end up hating me and the ones that try to befriend me I end up keeping. I don't get it. These are all online deals. I never see their faces and they never see mine. They only see my words. They never see what I'm doing, how I react, what my body language is saying. All I am to them is words for their interppritation, which sometimes ends up being the wrong kind of message. I come off as smug when I'm not or depressed when I'm actually laughing at the problem. Wish I could laugh now. I don't really seem to be all that upset over what just happened.

I screwed up. End of most stories right there. Every day I do something that is either the right way or not. Normally I end up getting the bad end of the deal fixing it only with a good night sleep if what has happened hasn't killed that ability. Provided I can sleep without crying, things normally work themselves out. Not this time around. I really screwed up. I thought I had plenty of time to make amends with him (notice how I'm not saying his name), but something came up. I acted as if nothing had happened, which prior to tonight, something major did happen.

He openly said he doesn't understand me.

Not many people do. Some try to make a living trying to crack down these kinds of walls. I applaude their effort, but is it really worth it? Kids are still going to find them weird, and this time will have a reason. ADD is all over the place, and parents and teachers are trying all kinds of stuff! My disorder is something no pill can really fix. It's a confidence and fear thing. No pill can make me brave forever for ever kind of social event. On top of that, there is no set cure for it. It's not like chicken pox. I have to live with this for the rest of my life! And it won't be easy. I see people come out and say that they had it too and wonder to myself, "How? How can I become that? I don't see myself doing that kind of stuff!" That's only the surface of it.

There are still deeper stuff down inside me that just make you want to say, "Zeek, you're weird."