Feeling Bad with a New Point of View

The more I think about it, the more I start to feel bad for Jaime and Ken for having to put up with me.

All those times when I never really was much fun, all those conversations where I would add in my two cents but still have no clue what the hell they are talking about, all those moments that I enjoyed just because I was in the company of people I like.

All they were to them was a kind of slow social torture. A kind of semi-waste of time, at least on their part.

Yes, I believe I am that boring.

Freaked Out!

Yesterday, I entertained a random IM from someone in Clarksville, which is about 30 minutes out of Nashville. Judging from his picture and IMs, I thought he was cool.

Boy, was I wrong.

If this is a sign from God, I am praising his name right freaking now!

This guy, who shall remain nameless for his own protection, was literally a vision of what I may end up becoming! Fat and boring! I mean, this guy was just as indecisive, just as viced on video games as I am, and just as anti-social! The only things that saved tonight for me were the fact that he bought me my favorite brand of shrimp crackers and that I saw Chris, a fellow Fine Arts student and painter, working at a used comic and video game store.

While driving around looking for something to do, I told him that I had a report to do for Color in order to get home earlier. No, I didn't lie. I really do have a report for Color that I need to do.

God, I know what I have said is mean and shallow and God knows what else, but I am seriously freaked out here! It is as if I was hanging out with my future self! It made me feel really uncomfortable. This is the last time I meet some random person from the internet. The next time I meet anyone that I have IMed with, it better be with someone that I know very well like Andrew or James or David or Leo.

Now you see why I don't really date.

Meet The Masters

Organized by The Phillips Collection in Washington, D.C., From El Greco to Picasso highlights celebrated paintings and sculpture from the 19th and early 20th centuries. See the work of early masters such as El Greco and Delacroix as it appears alongside masterpieces from later movements such as Impressionism, Cubism and Expressionism.

From fristcenter.org

Normally, since I can get in for free with my Watkins College of Art and Design Student ID, I would go to this big event that opens today...

But I know it's going to be hell there with so many people from the small yet thriving art community. Not to mention the press. I'm better off going next Friday morning when people are at work.

Still, this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and extremely important for me as an artist to be able to view these works in person.

Not to mention I get extra credit for going to the show for my Drawing 2 and Art History 2 classes!!

Another Chance

David IMed me out of the blue this evening. It was a welcome surprise. We started talking, and I got several of my vices of my chest. Long story short, towards the end of the conversation, David suggested that because my blog sounds like I'm rather lonely that I get back with the others.

I have this odd feeling that I'm going to regret what I did, but I gave them all another chance.

David assures me that I won't regret it. He is taking a big risk by doing this undertaking. He has concluded that he will try to make this work, to make me and the others friends again. I hope he hasn't put himself into something he can't handle. He's already got a lot on his plate as it is.

Bill then popped on, and he did what I wanted him to. He apologized. Being the good person that I am, I quickly forgave him. That's one of my better qualities. He was deep in his studies, so all he had time for was to apologize.

Andrew then popped on. He didn't apologize. He just messed around and said a few sweet things like how he missed me and how I have been in his head ever since. I still wonder if this is kosher with Ivan, his current partner. He promised me that he will meet me later this year. I'm holding him to that.

I have this odd feeling that more drama will happen before I turn 21.

Test Results

What Type of Villain are You?
mutedfaith.com.

You are the Despondent Villain

You aren't much of a leader, but you're an exceptional loner. Whether or not you're a villain, people are still suspicious of you. Maybe it's that weird hair-do. Or the fact that you never smile. Or that you're just so depressing. Who knows.

Does anyone need me for a movie? I can happily play this part without trying.


find your elementat mutedfaith.com.

You are a Spirit Mage

Virtue: You have a keen understanding of human nature. You are slow to act and often to speak as well. Because of your observations, you have a better knowledge of motives and emotions than most people.

Vice: Although you understand others, nobody seems to understand you the same way. You feel like an ear to the world, and you often bottle your emotions inside, for fear of being misunderstood.

That is surprisingly accurate.


Find your Role-Playing Stereotype at mutedfaith.com.

You are the Amnesiac

One of the more popular cliches of role-playing, you are probably the victim of insecurity. You are unsure about yourself in some aspect - be it physically, mentally, or emotionally - and you constantly try to change that aspect.

You would be much happier if you could learn to love who you are, and quit trying to be someone else.

I think someone is trying to tell me something.

Something Snapped

I think I'm going through some kind of withdrawal, but what kind?

I just caught myself with all three of the major IM programs on. I barely talk to anyone in real life, and my IM life is just as quiet on most days I can boot these programs up.

On top of that, I was talking with someone earlier today that found my PlanetOut profile! I almost forgot about that personal ad!

I wonder what the deal is.

Pepper Ghosts

You want to do something fun? Here is what you will need.

• The Godfather Part III poster with one or more of the actors facing towards the camera
• A glass plane like a sliding door or a window, preferably with something dark behind it
• A lot of lights

Now, place the poster up so that it is perpendicular to the glass plane. Turn on all the lights in the same room as the poster. Stay in that room, but move to and area about 45^obetween the poster and the glass plane. Now look into the glass plane. Someone is looking back at you! It's a ghost!

Sorry, but that is what I am seeing how from this computer terminal in the school library. It's rather distracting, and creepy.

Three Hours of BOREDOM

I had to fight not falling asleep while at the student cafe. The reason why I wanted to go to sleep was just because I was bored. I had done three drawings, one every hour. I was tired of drawing for so long. I wanted to save my strength for class later.

Why can't there be a nap room or something at colleges?

What is Art?

Yesterday, I drew my sister's nose and eyes from a profile point of view as part of homework for Drawing 2. Everyone made a big deal about how cool it looked and how I should be doing this for a living at the store.

Hello? Only now they start to notice?! What about the other art I've created in the past 17 years!

For some reason, they want me to do realistic over cartoons, which is what I want to do.

What is it with people and what they consider to be art? I consider cartoons to be art, but everyone else sees them as nothing more than entertainment for little kids (and a few teenagers). I consider Disney's Audio Animatronics to be art, but everyone else seems to call them robots.

I guess this is what makes me an artist. The fact that I can see things differently. Now if only that made my life easier.

Three Hours of A. D. D.

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Snow Watch No Watch

You know, I really should be watching the news since everyone is on snow alert now to see if Watkins will close for the day or not. Normally, all my teachers would call me up saying that class is canceled for the day. At least that's what they told me. Still, I should be watching the news to see if it is at least snowing or something.

Thanks, Sis.

I asked Michelle, my drawing teacher, if it is possible to fail because I cannot see green. I explained that I never thought this was a big deal before now, and my sister installed this paranoia. She said that I can't really fail, but it will affect the grade I get. My best bet is to talk to Mandy, my Color teacher, next class and see if we cannot work out a system to help me out so that my grade doesn't get hurt too much.

The reason I bring this up is because of the fact that I just finished my Color assignment. It doesn't look all that great, but what the hell. It wasn't suppose to look like the real deal.

After doing my homework, I wanted to get my drawing assignment out of the way. I needed a model, just for the eyes and nose. I picked my sister since I know she is always busy. Well, since today was a half-day for her, she wasn't really up to working as much. As such, thanks to me probably, she was online playing internet games while talking to Michael.

I think I passed on a bad habit of game playing to my sister by accident.

A Little Blond Boy

Today, all metro area schools let out at around 11:30. As such, my sister got home before I did and is catching up on her sleep. Lucky her.

Myself, however, was stuck at school.

Not wanting to miss a class due to her son, one of the students decided to bring him along. He's a young, obviously prepubescent, blond boy. Really soft features with medium length hair. As soon as he hits puberty, I hope he keeps his blond hair and some of those soft features. He is really cute, and it would be a shame if he got into body building or something like that which would cause his features to get all chiseled and jagged.

God, now I feel like Michael Jackson.

Told you I have a thing for blonds.

Way Too Early To Think

Have you ever had moments where you wish you had the answers to the questions you were asking just so they wouldn't bug you anymore?

I've been waking up earlier and earlier since the start of school. It would seem that an alarm, at this point, would be pointless to have. I know better than to take that risk though.

I remember being told that our biological clocks can be programmed and altered through habit, and like any other habit, it would take two weeks of consistent work. It has been about two weeks since school started, but I doubt any real habits are forming. Then again, I'm wondering where the stress is that normally comes with my classes. I should be pulling my hair out by now.

Also, it would seem that due to the familiar and distance, I'm really losing friends and making my acquaintances more noticeable as far as my psyche goes. I know this is probably due to the whole paranoia of not wanting to be alone or my co-dependency on needing people around me. At least I'm able to still recognize the fact that I am this.

Sometimes I wonder if I am really God embodied only without the fancy powers of creation. I have this strong urge to just create something and then watch it live on its own. It is these moments that I have to remind myself that God would never come to Earth in the physical form of a gay 20-year-old Filipino art student. At least, not for long. Maybe just long enough to play ski-ball.

Weight Training for Nerds

I don't remember having to carry that much weight around with me for so long since I got my Art History book. The two books I have from the library weight twice that much combined with the things I bring to school for my other classes.

It only got worst.

I had to check out another book from the school's library for a Color project. It feels like I am carrying about fifty pounds. Maybe it is because of the density of the weight and the fact that it isn't equally distributed.

Too bad my bag doesn't have a hand strap, or else I would have done bicep curls while I was waiting for my ride.

Speaking of weighting, someone already is camped out of Zanies, the local comedy club, for the Last Comic Standing auditions. Nashville is one of six cities that are holding auditions. Why is beyond me.

Monday Morning Thoughts

Well, it's back to the daily work again, and strangely enough I completed everything that I needed to do and then some!

I got my library card finally. I've been postponing that because I have a tendancy to forget to return items. I think that this may be the only way I can legally see porn in my state. The rules and regulations pamphlet said something about Adult Material. Knowing my luck, they only house straight porn. Oh well, two more months until I found out.

I have this odd feeling that I am going to fail my Color homework. While it does look right, the whole value chart thing going from light to dark, it just doesn't look like what I think the teacher wants.

Actually, I think I'll just end up failing everything that's due today.

A New Fad Among Fags?

Thanks to the Tom of Finland doll, a new string of toys are "coming out of the closet." The newest one that I have found is this Jeff Stryker Action Figure which is modeled after the gay porn star himself (according to the product description).

Why do I have this strange feeling that more of these kind of toys will be made as time goes on?

Sleepless Night Leads to Unpleasant Morning

I am rather bitter right now. You have been warned, reader.

Last night, for whatever reason, I had another one of my creative surges. Out of fairness, due to the fact that there is only one computer in the entire house with internet connectivity, I could not get any of it out. Drawing did not seem like a good outlet. Writing could only do some much. I needed to create, but how was the problem. Knowing full well that I would not have a shot at the computer, I tried my best to channel this energy somewhere useful. It ended up going into my default fantasy. I need to get rid of this stupid thing.

I tried sleeping, but minutes felt like hours to me. They should would not go away. I would swear that at least two hours have passed, but in reality, only 45 minutes would have gone by! No matter how hard I tried, my mind would not let me sleep. This energy needed to either be suppress or released. Either way, I did not get any sleep at all last night.

I woke up this morning dazed and confused. I knew I didn't sleep at all last night, and was wondering why it is morning. Maybe I did sleep. I went downstairs to get a quick breakfast. The fatigue must have gotten to me. While I was making it, my mother was on the computer. I showed her some affection, something I rarely do. She began barking at me saying that this is the only time she will ever use the computer when I am in the house. She kept telling me that I will not have the computer. That's all she did. Just bark at me like the bitch she is.

While watching cartoons, I kept switching back and forth between channels. Local wrestling was on, and I saw what happened with Jonny Fairplay. Channel surfing like I normally do was a big mistake this morning. I saw muscle men wrestling with other muscle men, and I thought of James. I saw a commercial for Walt Disney World featuring Goofy, and I thought of Bill. I saw an advertisement for Brink! on the Disney Channel, and I thought of Andrew. Hell, even that southern sounding lawyer on Yu-Gi-Oh! this morning got me thinking about Josh! A re-run of Mystery Science Theater 3000 was showing a 70's B-horror which had a skinny blond boy that was always shirtless in nearly every shot. That only made things even more difficult to stand.

Problems and frustrations began to boil. By the time my cartoons were over, I had developed an emotion I'm not familiar with and really wish I could never visit as often as I have. On my way up to the bathroom hoping that a shower would settle things, even more stress came upon me. I saw my sister playing games on the internet. And she wonders why her reports are so hard the day before they are do. My mother was nagging at me saying that I could go to the library today since I am up. I told her Sunday, because I cannot concentrate on my work. She took it as if I was being lazy. She doesn't know anything. She won't ever. I can't talk to her. She doesn't understand what it is like to grow up the way I have. So what if she grew up all third-world. She turned it around and made things better for herself because she had the drive to. I can't! I have been growing up trying to fit in, trying so hard to be normal! And I can't even talk about a movie that everyone and their grandmother has seen!!

I have too many problems and only a cum-stained cuddle pillow to talk to! I don't know anyone that would take the time out of their schedule to help me! I don't know anyone that would think that would even be fair to them! It's unfair for me to be this selfish! It's unfair what I have to go through just to live a life that I know I could do better! It isn't fair that none of this makes any sense to me! It's unfair that my drive, my self-esteem, the very core of my spirit is so weak that even a gnat could run over it five times over! It's unfair to me to be living in this fantasy world I have created for myself! It's unfair to both me and my teachers that I am settling for minimum effort!

Most of all, it's unfair to me to be the way that I am. To complain and not do anything about it because I feel I can't. I don't know how to snap out of it. I don't know what I can do to make me get pass all this.

I'm back to where I started.

The Color Green I Cannot See

While doing my Color Fundamentals homework, I ended up saving the most difficult color for me for last. The color green. I can't see it.

I told my sister this, and she made me go through some color blind test in her Anatomy book. I passed, but I claimed the number I was suppose to find was blue.

She then posed an interesting question as she went upstairs to do whatever she does in her room. She asked me if the school would fail me since I can't see green. I told them that they better not, because that would raise a discrimination case. Not that I am capable of bringing anyone into court or anything.

They can't fail me in Color Fundamentals just because I cannot see green, can they?

Stupid Sculpture

There is a foam sculpture that is sitting in the corner of one of the men's restrooms. It is painted blue with yellow paint drippings all over it. There are two holes in it angled towards the urinals. Before today, there was nothing that really indicated that it had some kind of purpose. Turns out someone put a sign on there saying that it is a hidden camera.

Now, I know this is a joke. It's a stupid one, really. But thanks to that sign, I will now go to the other bathroom on the other side of he building.

I hate jokes that install paranoia programming. They are never funny!

AJ Ruins Fairplay's Debut!

The moment everyone had been waiting for was next, as Don Callis introduced America's most hated man to TNA - Jonny Fairplay. After Fairplay verbally assaulted the fans, AJ Styles had enough and come to the ring. After taking down Callis, AJ gave Fairplay a Powerbomb and left the former Survivor star on his back!
PPV Result from NWA TNA Wrestling

Well, at least I know what went down last night.... HIM!

The Color Yellow

I found a new thing to hate! Apparently, yellow is the most sensitive of all colors. When you try and darken it, it changes to green if you use black! If you mix it with its complimentary, it starts to turn red!

The sad thing is I have to revisit this color again later in the weekend. Why? My homework for Color Fundamentals is to make a value grid featuring the various colors we will be working with! That's right, I get to burn my eyes out yet again in the comfort of my own home! Take that, you people who think art is easy!

And I thought my 3D assignment on a sculptor was bad!

On top of that, how stupid am I to love blonds but hate the color yellow?

Jonny Fairplay Comes To Nashville

Remember this guy? Jon Dalton from Survivor: Pearl Island? Well, it seems that he is going to be in Nashville due to a wrestling contract he signed. That's right. Mr. "I came in third place but made more money than the second place winner because I gave them ratings" is coming here as an indy-pro-wrestler!

If you don't believe me, you can go here or here (recommended) as proof.

Okay, so you know where I stand on blond-haired and blue-eyed people. That should be obvious to anyone reading at this point. What I haven't really dived into was the thing about wrestling. (Notice a few of the Adult Links in the side bar?) See, I don't know if it is just me or every other gay man, but wrestling is very sexual in a way. Okay, maybe sexual isn't the right word. More like sensual. Two buff hot men in close range rolling around on the floor trying to out muscle each other. I mean, come on!

Still, I don't think I'll be keeping tabs on this one. At least I hope not. Yes, he is cute, and would be very interesting to watch...

But the last time I did that I got a bit of an obsession with the model. (HELLO?! Austin Gordon?!)

I best not take this too far.

Anyway, for you wrestling fans, like myself, out there, I'm sure you already know this. For you Survivor fans, well, all I can say is pray that he is able to survive the night tonight here in Nashville.

Missed Calls

Last night, I missed a called from Jaime. I didn't know about it until this morning when my phone alarm went off to wake me up. Once again, I slept through the first alarm of my main clock. According to my phone, she called at around 21:45. I know she has an evening class, so that would mean that she was probably at home or on her way home. Where was I? In the bathroom pissing, probably. I know I didn't get any sleep until about 22:00 or so. I answered the Call of Nature when I should have answered the phone.

A lot of nothing seems to be on my mind now because of this. I know I'll probably find out what's up at school. I doubt class is canceled, and she is spreading the word.

It's strange, really. Here I am with a cell phone that I rarely use myself, even more rare than when I use the land line, and I don't carry it with me around the house or anything. I'm becoming like my mother with her cell phone which is never on unless she wants to contact us. And the one time someone actually calls me, I miss it entirely! Why is that?

EDIT: Well, that puts my mind at ease. Jaime posted what she wanted to tell me here. Good thing I packed my big sketch pad to do my Drawing 2 from yesterday.

Neopets + Art College = NeoCollege

I finally saw Jason today. God, he looks better than I remember! Nothing really happened as far as the signs of like and love go, so I guess I can safely say that I am no longer crush hungry. That's good. Maybe now I'll get that pleasant surprise that love is notorious for.

I suck at time managing for some reason. I thought that the two hour break I had would be enough to do my color. Boy, was I dead wrong! I ended up having to set aside an hour here at home to do the parts I didn't complete.

Drawing 2 was interesting. My teacher, Michelle, came up to me and started interviewing me about my family and stuff while I was drawing. Kind of late, but what the hell? It was a nice break from the drawing assignment that I will finish during tomorrow's two hour break.

Oh, who am I fooling? Tomorrow, I'll just do what I did today! Come my break, I'll go to the library, set up a new room in my NeoHome on Neopets, go to the cafe, and then try to do some daily assignment that I know I'll never finish. Okay, so granted it will be the classwork I was doing, but still. My mind is obviously somewhere else right now.

Why is it that I want to live in my fantasies and not my reality? I should know better than this! I know better than this! Maybe that is what makes me different, and we all know that being different is bad, especially when you are non-productive.

Bad Omens

When I woke up this morning, I didn't hear the first alarm. I heard the snooze alarm. I don't remember hitting snooze before waking up. Normally, I would think nothing of it, but lately things seem a bit off.

When I came down, I turned on the light and startled Nelly. From the sounds of it, he fell off his perch. The sound of that startled his parents across the room, who probably did the same thing judging from how their cage was rocking. They panicked and tried to get everything sorted out.

For some bizarre reason, I checked out how much I weigh. Apparently, I have gained the Freshmen 15. I'm 165. The thing is, when I start caring about my physical appearance, I start to get really stupid and shallow. Something tells me I may end up fasting today.

Last night, I ended up pushing my fantasy away. Usually, my default fantasy is everything I could ever want! Hence, the fantasy part. For some reason beyond my understanding, this time around I ended up pushing my dream guy into the other room!

Something is really off today, and I wish I knew why.

I really need to get my right arm in better shape.

You would think I would have learned from the last drawing I did like this. You know, the whole thing about now I drew for so long only to cause my arm to get all this pain that shows the lack of exercise I get and all that fun stuff. Unfortunately, I'm not half way done with drawing. I have the gray scale thing that I need to do, which will help me later today when I do my color assignment.

I hate the fact that while I was typing this blog, Mr. Ben Jelen's picture is still in the lower half of the browser in the "Most Recent Posts" section. I hate when I come across someone so cute it is hard to concentrate.

Not Another Cute Face

I am having a hard time staying on AIM tonight because of the fact that they are promoting this musician... AND HE IS TOO CUTE FOR WORDS!! Damn my homosexuality! Why the hell am I so easy!?


Ben Jelen

Too Good Even For Me

In an effort to get back to work, I decided to do what small drawings I could here at the computer. The reason for this is because I cannot do any of my bigger projects such as the painting thing for Color without tearing this earphones out of the computer, which would cause my mother to get upset at me given the time and what I'm listening to.

I just completed a drawing that is scaring me. Not in a bad way, mind you. It's scary in the fact that I was able to draw something so well that it cannot possibly pass as my own original art work. If I had an image server provider and wasn't so worried about people "stealing" my artwork for reasons of fairness as far as Neopet Art goes, I'd show you. This picture is almost Disney worthy! I cannot look at this thing in my sketchbook without feeling like this is not my own art.

This isn't the first time this has happened. Back when The Lion King was brand new, I drew a picture of Zazu that was nearly indistinguishable from the film cell. Later on in my life, I drew a picture of a realistic rat in a fantasy setting. I forget the book we were reading at the time, but it involves a field mouse and some coin. And let me not forget to mention the fact that I've been able to render Mickey Mouse with near flawless accuracy.

And I still have to color this drawing! Since it is of my Christmas Zafara (that kangaroo looking thing with the wings and halo) and of his Petpet, Tako the Quadrapus (imagine GIR from Invader Zim if he was a four-tentacle squid, and that's what a Quadrapus is), the only color there is yellow with maybe a purple background to cancel out the weight of the yellow. Everything else is all gray scale. I should save that for tomorrow. It would make great practice for the color assignment.

It amazes me how cocky I just got just now. I kind of wish I could show this to someone that treated me like I was nothing, anyone who was like that to me, really, and tell them "See! See what you could have had! But no! You said I would never amount to anything! There are people out there that want this! I know there are people out there that will pay me for this kind of shit that I am showing you right now! And you said I was nothing!"

I shouldn't get used to being this cocky. It's bad for me to have this much pride in my skill when I know full well that there are other people out there that are better than me.

God, Help Me

Tomorrow is a holiday as far as classes go, and even though my only assignments this weekend are not due until Wednesday, I really need to get back into the habit of doing work.

Tomorrow, I need to commit myself into multi-tasking. While doing what I want to do on NeoPets, I should be spending that time waiting for my order to go through doing my Color homework. (Oh wow, I just realized the racial ramifications of that last sentence given what tomorrow is.) I also need to get my Drawing and 3D assignments done that day as well.

How did I become such a lazy ass?

Useless

I haven't had the motivation to blog much about anything that is on my mind. Half of which that I want to blog no one would believe me.

Even though I've been depressed as hell, which is causing me to ignore my work like crazy, I know for a fact that I cannot talk to anyone but one person about what is bothering me. Unfortunately for me, I burned down that bridge with him. Smooth move, huh?

So here I am, sitting with a mask of happiness playing with my little NeoPets, watching TV, enjoying video games, not concerning myself with my art. All of these things are mistake, and I know it. I need to talk to someone about what is bothering me, I need to do my work. Neopets and TV can wait.

So why am I not doing these things? Maybe that is just the way that I am. I can't really talk to anyone about what is bothering me at this moment unless they are really close. I mean, really close. I've tried ignoring my problems, but then ads for 7th Heaven come on followed by my aunt announcing that she has bought and enjoyed The Man in the Iron Mask, and I cannot help but think of what could have been.

Crap, I've said too much.

Well, since I've already slipped...

I don't know what it was, but those two were so nice to me that I couldn't help but like them. I don't remember them ever treating me like dirt. They've been mad at me, and I cannot blame them, but I don't remember them giving me the shaft in the way the others have. Dare I say that they were the only ones that truly cared.

If they are in town for whatever reason, I hope they do what James never did and hunt me down. I don't understand how someone like James would be afraid of finding me just because I may end up making a scene. Looking back, probably to make me feel like the better person, the whole reason for the drama that happened over Christmas was because James didn't have the balls to seek me out in person while he was in town. If he did, who knows where we would be! This is all his fault.

I shouldn't point fingers. That would just make me look like they do. Too proud to admit their own mistakes unless it benefits them. Kind of ironic that I say that since I've admitted to all my mistakes. I may not have learned anything by them, but at least I admitted that I'm wrong. I seriously doubt they will ever do that.

So, let's see. If what Jaime said holds true, I just lost a month of getting over them with what happened over Christmas. Damn. This means I won't be truly over them until October 2008. Seriously.

I need to stop all this complaining to no one and actually sit down and talk to someone.

Too bad we don't have medical insurance anymore.

Conflicts of Ethics

I woke up this morning with a battle on my mind. I should be doing homework, but since I do not have to go to school on Monday, the procrastinator in me is telling me to put it off despite what the good student is telling me. The battle is so stupidly intense that it is giving me a headache!

When I came down here just now, I saw that we received the latest issue of TIME. The cover? The benefits of sex other than procreation and pleasure. Here is what I found interesting.

Heart Disease

Lovemaking is good aerobic exercise that improves the circulation and works the heart. Sexually active people tend to suffer from fewer heart attacks, possibly owing to their better fitness.

Weight

Intercourse can burn around 200 calories, not bad for a few minutes' work and far more entertaining than a 15-minute churn on the treadmill at the gym.

Depression

Sexually active people appear to be less vulnerable to depression and suicide, perhaps because they are more comfortable with their sexuality. Researchers are also looking at the brain chemicals involved.

Anxiety

Hormones released during arousal can calm anxiety, ease fear, and break down inhibitions.

Immunity

Frequent intercourse may boost levels of key immune cells that help fight off colds and other infections.

Cancer

Early studies hint that oxytocin and the hormone DHEA, both released during orgasm, may prevent breast-cancer cells from developing into tumors.

Longevity

Frequent orgasm has been linked to longer life; this may have something to do with the sex's beneficial effects on the heart and immune system.

So, according to all this research, I'm as good as dead because of the lack of sex I get. Well, not exactly, but I will end up dying early.... okay, earlier than I originally thought. This also means that those sex hounds I used to know (Andrew and James) are going to be the healthiest fuckers (LITERALLY) that I've had the (dis)pleasure of knowing!

This sucks! First I'm clinically pronounced as a mentally depressed obsessive compulsive, then I learn I'm gay before I even enter high school, and now I find out that not only living a pessimistic life will cause my life expectancy to drop, but not having enough sex will cause that number to drop even more?!

Sometimes I wish I could just be like Kyle in the South Park episode where he gets a hemorrhoid. I just want to stop fighting everything that hurts so much and die. Unless I see some kind of sign of hope, I just want to end everything.

CRAP! There I go! I'm slipping again!

DAMN YOU TIME MAGAZINE! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PRINT THIS?! WHY!?

Clean Sheets, Dirty Laundry

Now I can take a nap! My sheets are clean from last night's little "stunt." I have to remember never to do that again.

I also have to remember to find out if the South Park Movie Soundtrack is still out there. I can't get Mountain Town out of my head for some bizarre reason.

Nasty Night

I just had the single grossest night I have ever had. I will not, am not, should not, and cannot give out details. All I'll say is that it involved the letter K, the concept of evaporation, and the letter Y. I'll let your imaginations run with this one.

The first chance I'm getting after the sun comes up, I'm washing my sheets.

Can't Make It Work

I give up. I've been trying since I spotted drawing before Drawing 2 to put up a marquee in place of the blog description that would show how many voices are in my head (how many users are reading this blog at the moment) and all the countdown locks I would have set up. I would title it my stream of conscious.

Yes, I know they are all really bad puns.

The thing is, I can't get the damn HTML and Java things to work right without part or all of the blog disappearing! I tried using the links on Zero's blog, but those nerds couldn't get this fixed unless I pay them (more than likely). I've Googled what I want and I still cannot get one to work!

If anyone has any information, please tell me in the Donate area!

Numb to the Nail

My fingers have never hurt this much since I can remember.

I finished a two-hour color drawing of Thaigra8, my Faerie Kougra (the tiger looking thing with the spiky wings). I like the way it came out, but at the same time I hate the fact that it took me this long and caused this much pain in my fingers, hand, and arm!

Who said art was easy?

My First "Friday"

Yay! Today is the last day of classes for this week! I do not have to go to class on Monday because of MLK Day. Why is it that in college, the first Monday after classes starts is always a holiday?

Today, however, I have five hours before my only class of the day. I should be sleeping in, but my ride cannot take me later in the day. This means I'll be there, at school, doing a drawing of my little NeoPets!


At least the ones on my main account that I can, and more than likely will, enter in the Beauty Contest if I do a drawing I think is cool enough. What am I saying?! That contest is more fixed than American Idol! And it's a freaking kids site too! Oh well, can't hurt trying.

I like my Drawing II teacher. I cannot tell you that enough. She's like Dory. She has short term memory lost. She can't remember things after about 24 hours. Good, right? Not really. She may have short term memory lost, but she is a teacher. So, in any event, even if I wanted to get out of work, I know I couldn't. What?! I'm no teacher's pet! I'm just a good student! At least, I try to be.

I got screwed!

I just learned that in Color, I got screwed over by Plaza!

The paints in the packets were standard, so naturally, every class got the same sets. The difference between each packet was what was asked. The things I never got were the watercolors paper, the aqua-glue stick, the pocket gray scale, and the pocket color wheel!

I spent over $90 on that packet only to get the shaft!

Oh well, I'll just have to deal with what I have. That's what we call "being resourceful."

Getting Back in the Groove

Wow, I don't remember being like this in a long time.

Last night was a night were I actually had work and I slept soundly until I was suppose to get up! It was like it was before, only stranger. You would think that I would have been used to feeling this overworked and sleep deprived. I am, in a sense, but at the same time, this is still rather new to me.

Drawing II is going to be interesting. My teacher is from New York, so she talks really fast and she is very cool. And I thought it was going to be a drag since I kicked out Wyatt. In any event, the class lasted only 30 minutes. So what did I do for the rest of the time while I waited on my ride? Well, I did blog, in case no one here that reads this sees the times. After that got old, I lapped the building several times.

Today, I have to catch up on my Color Fundamentals homework. A color inventory of my clothes. I wear mostly white shirts and blue jeans anyway, so this should be easy.

An easy failing grade. Just kidding.

Kimberly Caldwell demos new 'Idol' game for Sessler.

Adam recently got a visit from ex-Idol Kimberly Caldwell to show him the inner complexities, or lack thereof, of the "American Idol" game for the PS2, where a host of divas, geeks and Clay await!


"American Idol" is a rhythm-based game. You use either a dancepad or the controller to press the correct button to the music. If you hit the wrong button or miss a beat your character sings off tempo and out of tune.

Full story here.

This is wrong. I'm all for DDR being popular and all that, but to have it have an American Idol theme? Please! That is just asking for trouble!

Can we say "fad?" I mean, that's what Pokemon was, and, sadly, I still play it. What? I like the strategy involved! It's not my fault Smoochum looks so cute I want to hug it to death.


SMOOCHUM!

Homework

• 3D Design
  1. Read handout
  2. Find two interesting object for wire frame project
  3. Bring Safety Glasses and Needle-Nose Wire Cutters
• Color Fundamentals
  1. Read handout & take notes in sketchbook
  2. Take color inventory of clothing
• Drawing II
  1. Fill out questionnaire
  2. Sketch the last two years into sketchbook

God, that was a lot of HTML! All this just so I can remember better what I need to do tonight after I get back from Plaza. Okay, so I need just a few things. Everything else I have. I also need to see if those paints I bought can all fit into one tool box that way I do not have to lug the same one every day.

It's times like these I wish I could drive instead of wanting to car pool. Why did I make that choice? Oh yeah, I wanted to save on pollution contribution. God, that was a dumb ass reason.

Art History Part Deux

Yeah, I'm on break yet again. I know, I should really quit blogging about stuff between class and worry about, say, my Art History final or my homework for tonight. (Oh, a colour inventory of my wardrobe. Fun, fun, fun.)

Speacking of Art History, yes, I have decided on my final project. A brief history on animation. Yes, I know that is a bit much, but so was my last one. Besides, animation is something that I've always loved since I was little. Now, how am I going to present what I have learned visually? Looks like this time around, I will have to perform. Yes, I may have to do a demonstration on animation. I wonder if Plaza sells animation paper.

Speaking of paper, my next class is Drawing II. I know that I have most if not all of the supplies needed, so I may not have to buy anything. I am running low on paper, however.

I have had two things on my mind in the last eight hours. First of all, I keep wondering about all these little things of mine that I do on the internet. This blog, Neopets, IM. Why do I do these things still? I have resolved that they are stress relievers. Second, I think I must have inherited my dad's gas, because all this time my bladder has been feeling like a balloon about ready to pop out of my lower abdomen.

A Strange Scare

I didn't do my homework last night (I know, bad, Jon.), so I decided to go to sleep at around 21:00 so that I would be fully rested and ready for today knowing full well that I have Art History this morning.

Around just before 23:00, I woke up with an accelerated heart beat. I could feel it through my chest. I tried my best to slow it down through deep breathing, but that didn't work. I began to sweat and feel cold, like I do when I don't get enough to eat. For some reason, I went searching for my Tic-Tacs. I think it was a moment of panic and remembering that sugar can hold over the stomach for X-amount of time. Unfortunately, that did not help as well. Finally, I thought that I was dehydrated. I haven't really drank much anything as of late, so that had to have been it. I went down stairs, grabbed my water bottle, and chugged the whole thing down as if it was beer and I was a frat boy. It help calm the sweating and the cold spell, but my heart rate was still up. To make sure, I made myself some waffles and sat down on the couch to wait on them. The couch isn't that far from the kitchen. After the waffles popped, I took them to my room, still hot, and ate them laying down on my bed. That did the trick, and I fell asleep like a baby.

Now all I need to figure out is what the hell happened!

In Honor to My Sister

I made an eLib called Love Letter in honor of my sister and her boyfriend. I would post a version of the mad-lib, but that would spoil the fun!

Good-Bye Christmas Money

After the most sleep-inducing class I can remember, dad and I took a detour to the art store to pick up my art supplies. Yes, I was right. The paints did cost $90, but as part of the packet that came with it, I got paper and brushes as well! I love the fact that my school and the art supply stores are partners in crime.

During class, however, I ended up nearly starving myself to death and back. It was around the middle of the first half of class that I came to the realization that I need to pack a lunch tomorrow. On the way back home from the store, we took another detour to the shop and picked up some deli meats and supplies. Owning a sandwich shop really has some advantages.

Finally....

Here is a link to my first eLib for all those that want to play it. As promised. I did find something else there, as well.

With the surge of new & existing members playing eLibs, our server costs
have sky-rocketed. To support the ever growing member base,
starting July 31st eLibs.com will be a paid service.

I got confused about the exact details that will happen, so I fired off an e-mail to the webmaster asking what's up. Now all I get to do for the rest of the night is just relax... for the last time.

Time Waster

This is what I get for going on to eLibs.

It's an online Mad-Libs site where you can play or create your own. The thing is, after you create them, you can't really edit much of them. I tried to rename some of the fields, and just couldn't! I'll know better next time if I decided to write another one. I cannot use apostrophes or dashes. I have to use Spanish possessive English (i.e. The Last Name of Your Best Friend instead of Your Best Friend's Last Name).

Wow, thirty minutes before class! If I had more time, I'd like you guys to the eLib I created. I'll do that at home once I'm done with classes.

New Observations on Old People

I ran into nearly everyone from last semester that I haven't seen due to break.

Coffey is just as cute as ever. He is in my 3D Design class, which I failed to mention. I must be over him greatly seeing as how when I saw him, nothing really happened (i. e. my heart didn't skip a beat, palms get sweaty, etc.). Same deal when I saw Wyatt today. I have yet to see Jason, although, if I remember correctly, he is suppose to be graduating if he hasn't already.

The standard greeting with everyone today is "How was your break?" My response is that mine was restful. Only Jaime knows the truth since she reads my blog out of the people that know me here in the school. At least, she the only one I know of that reads it that knows me from school. For all I know, my Nancy, my English teacher, and Nikki, my old Creativity teacher, may be reading this sucker! I hope this blog doesn't end up becoming required reading. Or even recommended, for that matter.

Wow, it hasn't been an hour since my last blog, and already I have blogged yet another entry. Sorry, Zero and Brian, for blogging too much. You know how big a mouth I have.

THEY LIED!

Don't worry. You don't have to buy supplies for 3D Design.

No, I may not have to, but I definitely need to get myself some "real man's tools" from Home Depot. Namely a pair of safety glasses and a sharper, cleaner blade for the box cutter. Everything else I have at home, for the most part.

Now why do I have to keep a sketchbook again, I don't know. It is a class exclusive sketchbook, which means I cannot use it for another class.

Oh well, I know my next class is going to feature $90 paints. Everyone has told me so.

Unfortunately for me, I do not have a liberal arts class, so I have a two hour break between now and then. Oh, what to do?

Restless Night

I couldn't sleep. Well, barely. I know this headache I have right now is more the cause of the lack of sleep and the bright lights more than it is the NeoPet Flash games I played.

Last night, I reverted back to that default fantasy of mine where I am spending the night at my dream boyfriend's apartment. Old habits die hard, I guess. I hope that will be the last time I do this sort of thing. I need to quit living in a fantasy world and just come to grips with the fact that I'm not boyfriend material.

This morning, while finding out about the day's weather forecast, I accidentally typed in the wrong channel and got Bravo. They were showing the Jude Law episode of Inside the Actor's Studio. God, he's cute. What's the deal with me and blonds anyway that makes me want to just be all over them like a bread spread? Wow, there's a nice visual!

So, let's see. According to this little yellow piece of paper, I have 3D Design and Color Fundamentals. Great, I get to find out which $90 paints I need. I might as well pick up a set or round-tip brushes while I'm at it.

Car pooling there is going to be a mess. Both of the cars were involved in a wreck of one kind or another. My dad's car was hit in the parking lot. He was still parked. And they say that Asians can't drive. To my knowledge, the trunk door is jammed shut and there is no red glass any more on the tail lights. He made some kind of ghetto repairs to it using red see-through wrapping paper and, what else? Duct tape. Yes, duct tape. Fixes nearly anything and everything you can think of.

I hope today goes well. I really don't want any early stresses like last semester's first day. Then again, I hope that a few things happen like last semester, in particular meeting someone that has some kind of genuine interest in me like Ken did. Only this time, I hope the boy is extremely hot, blond, clean cut, and gay. Okay, that's asking for too much.

I really need to stop thinking with my dick.

Not Going to Happen

Well, this Tom of Finland Doll is something I know I will never get for my 21st birthday... or Christmas... or EVER.

The Last Day of Break

Tomorrow, it is back to school. I'm glad I get to go back. I need a distraction from everything that went on over break. I need to escape and forget the drama that only school can provide me with.

So tomorrow, instead of hearing this insane bird whistle up a storm because he is bored out of his mind, I'll be hearing the wonderful sound of a metal cutter.

Was my break enjoyable? Not really. Was it eventful? Can't say that without lying to you. Was it restful? Oh, hell yes! Would I want to do this all over again? No.

I learned a lot over this break. More than I think I did while I was in school. I hope that my old Creativity teacher's words holds true and that my character develops more as this new semester goes on and stresses me out to no end.

At least now I'll be able to spend that $100 that has been sitting in my pocket. Too bad it will be on a set of $90 paints.

The Leech That I Am

Well, I finally got to get online after my sister has been hogging this thing for some English paper. She wanted to get it done so she could spend all day Sunday with Michael before he goes back to college.

While I was waiting, I kept thinking about that guy I met the other day. I then noticed that I am getting dangerously attached to him, much like how I was when I first met Ken. I had to take a step back and analyze myself.

Why am I like this? What is it about people that make me latch onto them?

I am a leech. I am a moocher. I need people in order to survive. I need someone to give me attention. I need someone to spoil me. At the very least, I need someone to be around me with the knowledge that they are my friend. I need someone period to be there for me even if there is nothing to do.

It is the co-dependent side of me. The side that I want to kill but am having a hard time just getting a damn knife drawn.

I really need to find some self confidence in myself.

Crap

My hair is darker than I originally thought.

Apparently, while Nelly was on my head, he crapped on me. I was unaware of this because my hair is so thick, I can't really feel anything short of a rain storm hitting it. This means I went through dinner with a little birdie's doo-doo on my head! And no one noticed it!

So how did I? Well, when I'm bored, I play with my hair, and I found Nelly's little surprise. I quickly took a shower. The whole time I was scrubbing my scalp, I felt like I was going bald because of this damn bird.

Just one more embarrassing moment to add to my list.

I belong in a coffee shop.

Last night after the little get-together, Jaime, Christina, and I went off to a little coffee shop called J. J.'s Market.

I like it there. For some reason, even though it was a new location to me, I felt right at home there. I felt very comfortable. I didn't really people watch; I just took everything in. The vibe is still with me even as I type this during my Saturday Morning Cartoon reruns. It feels nice.

The only thing missing was Jason Mraz. Hey, they had a guitar sitting in the corner looking rather lonely.

Straightening Things Out

Last night, I found a chat room that actually had a semi-intelligent conversation going on with Yahoo! Messenger. It was being hosted by this guy. Cute ain't he? Well, he's an exhibitionist, but really cool to talk to. He's really open and quite fun.

Yes, I know what happened the last time this kind of thing happened. I won't make that mistake again.

Anyway, today, we got to talk about some things. We somehow got onto the subject about our past relationships. Naturally, I left out a few important names and details. From there, we started talking about sex.

Turns out that I had sex figured out all wrong. I was brainwashed into thinking, quite by accident, I can assure you, that sex on a regular basis was a good thing. You know, that every gay man should get laid once a week if not more. Turns out after talking to this guy that is not the case. Sex is really over-rated. Yes, it's fun, but it is still over-rated.

Well, this gave me food for thought, and as I was carrying on our IMs, I kept thinking about that. I then announced to him that I've made up my mind about this matter of love.

I told him that I've given up on looking, given up on sex, and I'll let love have its way with me.

He said to make sure to tell love that your open.

I told him then that I hope love would be kinder to me this time around. He said that it hopefully will.

It is nice to know that in this day an age when I could be talking to some 50-year-old pervert, there are still nice people out there like this guy.

Whenever guest come...

...Mom goes into mass cleaning mode.

This means two things. I have major trouble getting from my room to the main part of the house and back due to the fact that her main battlefield between the dark forces of scum and dirt is the kitchen. This also means that anything in my room could disappear if we go up there for whatever reasons that may be.

I hate whenever my mom cleans my room. Everyone thinks it is unorganized and unclean beyond reason. Yes, I'm aware that it looks like I live in a dump, but I do no care. It is like what Garfield says on my (only) poster on my wall. My room. My mess. My business. If I feel like cleaning it up, which I did yesterday just because I needed to have a couch just in case, then I'll do it. As far as I'm concerned, it's clean and organized and homely as my mom's sanatorium of a room.

People will never understand this, and I don't think they should if they can't. Call me an ass, but if you cannot live with the fact that my room is actually clean and organized to me, then you don't know me.

Your Two Cents

I had a lapse of creativity while on a message board.

You know that old saying "my two cents" whenever someone says their opinion? Well, I decided to change my Critique option into Opinion Donations. Only, instead of people's opinion being only worth two cents, everyone who leaves their opinion here is worth a dollar to me.

Hey, you're opinion is worth fifty times more than the average person to me. Don't you feel special now?

Celebrity Match Quiz Results

Who's your celebrity match? Find out @ Mind-Blowing!!!

Oh, good, it is that cute Mr. Hayden Christensen. Well, at least it isn't Leo.

An E-mail from His Ex-No-More

Jon,
That eventfull night we were dancing haveing fun and Sam called. That set off a chain reaction. naturally Jimmy responded thinking something was wrong and only to find out it had to do with you. He was very concerned about you.

I naturally became very jelous and gave him shit for it must have been the night and the excitement and the fact that I was invited by Mac to come up, telling me he needed me and so on.

So you can understand the problems that caused. Jimmy asked me to leave because I was being critical of you and he was so confused. You told him in some very certain terms he wasn't your type and he accepted that he finally moved on. It hurt him but he did.

Previously...Mac told me the whole story he and Jimmy talked it out so in the mean time I'm flying in. Get it? on Macs invite.So the whole night we danced at the club.

Mac asked me to come back I did and Jimmy and I have been re kindling our thing so Jon I guess what I'm trying to say is leave him alone. I asked him what was really reality and what he actually wanted.

He told me that you were a fantasy. He said he loved you in all senses of the internet and you were cute back then and he said he reolized you could never look like that any more anytime soon. So you see Jon it was only a fantasy.

Jon I love him deeply and I know him I need him. Please let him go.

Matt

And so ends the drama. Hopefully.

Congratulations to James. Congratulations to Matt.

I say that with half a heart, because, quite frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm just glad this is dead and over with. Maybe now I can think about something more important than love.

For the Birdies

I didn't have much else to do after watching an episode of It's all Relative about how love is more important than how much you make in a year. I spent that time with the birds.

See, around Christmas week, the bird that gave birth to Nelly gave birth to two other little chicks. One on the 23rd, and one on Christmas. The bigger of the two has a set of pipes on him that scare me. Do you remember what the baby raptor sounded like from Jurassic Park after it hatched? Yeah, that's the sound it makes whenever it is hungry or needs attention. And it's loud too. Smaller of the two for some reason isn't growing as fast as it should. Sure, it is about three days younger, but you would think there wouldn't be that big of a difference.

During my time with them, something happened that I didn't expect.

The older one actually calmed down for more than half an hour after I finally stopped petting it. I continued to pet it whenever I heard the faint beginnings of its screech. Other than that, it was rather happy and content just having me around.

The younger one had trouble opening his right eye now for a few days. My dad was getting worried. Not only is this one small for his age, even if it has only been a few weeks, but the last thing he wants is a blind bird. After I was done calming down the older one, I went to check on the younger one. It mistook my finger for the syringe that we use to feed them. While it was biting me, I saw that his right eye was starting to open a bit. That's when I saw the problem. Apparently, there was some eye crust, possibly dried baby bird food formula, over it's eye. It was a small amount, but in the development stages, a small amount can cause major damage.

As proud as I am of this happening, seeing how most animals hate me, I don't want to get too attached to them. I don't know a single thing about birds, and I know damn well that I do not have the level of responsibility to take care of a pet. Hell, I don't even have the level of responsibility to get a "normal" job!

At least I woke up earlier.

Despite my best efforts not to, I ended up staying up until about 01:00 in the morning. It was mostly due to sexual repression and a back up of--well, I won't go there.

While I was online, I had AIM open and my cell phone. I was waiting for James. I was going to call him out and call him on how he was an ass for not keeping his word and calling me like he was suppose to earlier yesterday. Hey, Brian suggested that I should put the ball in James's court, and I couldn't agree more! They have always been doing this to me since I can remember. Everything every time was all up to me for some stupid reason or another. I can only hold the ball for so long.

Needless to say, he didn't come online. Something tells me he knew I was going to call him out on what he did that afternoon. Like Jaime and Zero said in the Critiques, it is highly unlikely that he will call. He's afraid of me. I don't know why, but he is. If he wasn't, he would have called me up when I asked him to. He has no reason not to call me, and whatever reason he could give me won't stand a chance with me anymore. Hell, I don't even care if it is because he is in class anymore! I need some answers from him and I need to hear them instead of read them!

I'm getting sleepy again. It is not because I woke up early. It's because I'm doing my laundry. The sound of the dryer just makes me so sleepy.

Call me... NOW!

Last night, Sam came online under James's screen name. While I didn't want to argue with him, that was rather unavoidable. He updated me on the deal with James and then asked me what I want to do about it.

I hate being asked "What do you want to do?" I never have an answer to it. Sam told me to sleep it over. I did, but no answer came when I woke up today. I was more concerned about waking up late again knowing full well school starts next week. I need to wake up earlier than 11.

Zero was online and the only one without an away message. I talked to her about last night. She said something about getting James on the phone to talk to him. I must have misunderstood her.

James signed on just as soon as she mentioned what she did. I fired off an IM demanding that he get on the phone. He didn't like the way I was pushing him. He tried to get out of it by saying that the phone was being tied up by someone and that his cell was charging. I ended up cornering him when I told him he can still make phone calls while the cell is charging. Ultimately, he signed out before I could give him my cell phone number.

This sucks. I hate this relationship, if you can even call it that, that James and I have. Ever since I've known him, it has been nothing but IMs and e-mails. I need to find out once and for all several things from him, and I want to hear them over the phone rather than read them on IMs. If even only once, I just want to be able to hear him say things and know that he means it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. IMs just do not work in conveying emotions. You cannot see the other person's eyes to see that they are listening and actually processing what you have said like I've seen with Jaime. You can't read their body language like I do with Ken and Christina. On top of that, it is really hard to make them feel better and make them know that you care and are loving through IMs and e-mails! This is probably the greatest downfall of this relationship that James and I have.

I... We need this phone call or else nothing will work between James and I.

Tongue Tied Like A Straight Guy

I called up Christina once I was able to get a time slot for the little event of ours on Friday. I got her voice mail. The whole time I felt really odd talking to her and asking her what her plans were for Friday. I felt like I was asking her out on a date. I kept tripping on words and found myself constantly trying to say what I needed to say without sounding like a dork. I know that's impossible. Odder still is the fact that she is coming to what appears to be a family function of some kind.

This whole thing just feels weird and twisted. Someone upstairs definitely hit the "puree" button with my life in the blender.

Let the Countdowns Begin!

I start school again in a week, so I have that much time to learn not to stay up so damn long when I do not have to. I woke up at 11:32 this morning, which would mean I missed my first class. My first class next week is Art History Survey 2. Yes, I know. I'm in for a class that is a challenge to stay awake in. I also have three studio classes this semester, and for anyone that knows what I'm talking about, you know that means I'm screwed. Chances are really heavy in that I'll be pissed off at everything and nothing when and if I can blog.

My dad's birthday is this Wednesday. He turns 61. My parents anniversary is this Friday. Mom wants to through a party featuring Andre, my sister's best friend, and Michael, my sister's boyfriend. They may not be part of the family biologically speaking, but as far as my mom is concerned they are. She wants me to invite Christina over. She wants to get to know her, from the sounds of it. Then again, she wants to get to know Jaime and Ken. I haven't called any of them since break started, mostly because I didn't want to intrude on their holiday. I guess it can't hurt to see what Christina is up to on Friday. Still, I'm afraid she will feel kind of out of placed. I mean, she doesn't know my parents or anyone else that will be there except for me. This is sort of an odd way of introducing my family to her. At least, I think so. Anyway, technically, I'm not suppose to tell anyone about this, but seeing as how my dad has no idea how to work the computer, I think this blog entry is safe.

We return Bend It Like Beckham on Thursday. I have to remember that. We are so broke, we can't pay overdue charges.

Waffle Blog

Today, we decided to break from the norm and hit up the mall. Since today was "Titans game day," OpryMills was filled with women that didn't understand sports but knew the value of a bargain, geeks and video gamers (like myself), and sport fans of every race, gender, and age. Yes, "Big Blue" was out in force today, but I did not frankly care. I had a hundred dollars in my pocket just wanting to be spent, constantly screaming at me to buy something. I found nothing of great interest that would make me want to buy it on the spot. The same cannot be said for my sister.

On our way out, we stopped by Blockbuster. We picked up Bend It Like Beckham, mostly because my mother wanted to see it. It is a great movie with a lot of insight into the concepts of trying to keep tradition and trying to be who you want to be.

After watching it with my mother, my sister and her boyfriend decided to watch it as part of their late night movie date. Since it was so late, they used the computer to watch the movie. As such, they used the computer chair here as their own little "love seat," in which I witnessed them cuddling every time I went to the bathroom while I was training my Alakazam. Each time I saw then, I went up to my room extremely envious of them. I wasn't envious at the fact that they found each other and all that good stuff like I've been before. I was envious at the fact that for them, love and dating people is easier for them than it is for me.

Now that the waffles I was snacking on are gone, I should stop blogging.

Public Enemy Number One

Everyone is making me out to be the bad guy. It's my fault that I cannot show love the way it "should" be shown. It's my fault that my sister didn't complete the things she wanted to do online because I how drift in and out of things when I have nothing to do. You might as well blame me for starting the war in Iraq! You might as well blame me for the existence of gay people! Hell, you might as well blame me for there being a Satan!

No one can see the good in me anymore! All they ever see is the bad! Why can they not see that I am sweet, caring, and just want to have fun when I can? Why can't they see that I really am loving and that I am capable of emotions like happiness, and sadness, and anger like I am right now?! Why can no one here see me as something good and only as a burden to other people!?

And why is this happening in my own family of all places?!

Being a Loving Individual

I woke up this morning more concerned about me NeoHome project than I was about what happened last night with James.

After my last blog, I got to talk to James when he signed back on. I apologized for my actions and thought I fixed everything as best I could. Then, towards the end of the conversation, he did the one thing I knew he was going to do but hoped he would not. He made me jump through a damn hoop. He tested me, my trust, and my emotions. And by his answer sheet, I failed. I didn't express my love for him in the way that he wanted.

I got so upset over this. I knew he was going to make me out to be the bad guy again. Make me believe that I was nothing more but this cold, callus, emotionless robot with so many issues that I couldn't possibly be normal. As much as I wanted to save this, I had enough. I didn't want to deal with him making me out that I am the bad person because I have a different way of showing how I care for someone. I don't want to be made into thinking that the only proper way that I can ever express my love for someone is to shower them with "I love you" over and over until those three words are the only ones in my vocabulary. I should my love and affection by trying to help make someone happy and comfortable with themselves and everything around them. At least, that's what I try to do. Sure, I throw in a few "I love you"'s into the mix, but that is how I express how much I deeply care and love people!

So once again, I didn't live up to someone's standards of how I should act.

One point for me in the individual category.

Premature and Immature

I had a creative surge involving my Neopets, and while I was finishing up the first stage of this plot of mine that I was going to carry out on Neopets, Sam logged on under James's IM name. I IMed with him for a while, which proved to be very fruitful.

Sam has a way of being like Bill and Andrew, in that they have this way of being able to get inside your head without you knowing it. It is kind of a form of manipulative interrogation. No, that's not right. Well, I don't know what it is, but I do know that it is highly effective. Sam used this on me, and I have to say, I am really lucky and thankful that he did! He made me think really hard about the things I have done to James.

What I said to him was wrong! Dead wrong! I should have never even thought of those things! I have become this shallow, selfish person I did not like. What's worst is that if Sam did not do what he did to me, I would have become even more shallow and even more selfish! What I was doing was wrong. It wasn't right to James. I wasn't thinking of his feelings. I was only thinking about myself, and that is wrong in a relationship of this kind!

I then realized what I always knew. I love James. I love his sweetness. I love that feeling I get whenever I can IM with him, that comfortable feeling. I think about him and fantasize about him even when I know I shouldn't. So what if he has tattoos and a nipple ring? Wyatt has a nose ring and a whole arm of tattoos, and somehow I developed and odd crush on him! It was my damn shallowness at the time that dismissed that as nothing more but me being a sexually repressed slut of a fag that I am! It was that immature part of me that allowed myself to get assimilated into this retarded state of mine where looks matter! Looks are the last thing that should matter! In the end, even the most beautiful of super models will end up having their boobs sag! On top of that, who am I to be thinking that looks matter? I'm no dish! Never was one! That would have to be the lowest form of low I could have gone to! This is the reason why I hate myself so much! I let myself become these things that I hate!

I tried to make it right with James, but I screwed up somewhere along the way. I know I did. I can feel it. Mac then jumped on and started to get on my ass about how I've been acting as of recently. Although I never told him (and why would I in the middle of a verbal beat down), this is just what I was wanting from him. This was exactly what I needed from someone just like him to do to me.

I'm tired of this shit. I want to make things right. I don't want to lose another opportunity. I don't want to lose another second chance. I want to be above all of this. I want to be with James, tattoos and all! I want to become an artist that isn't so shallow minded about the people he sees!

The person that I once was has seen the last hour of this new year. I pray that this person reborn by this epiphany will stay forever, continually growing and learning as he marches on through the years.

Final James Update/Wishing for a Mac of My Own

I just talked to James just awhile ago. He had a great New Years, which is kind of to be expected, with his friend Mac.

Now, Mac is a really cool guy. He knows how to laugh at himself and knows when to get serious. He is one of those great friends that only come once in a century in my book, and there aren't that many of them around these days. Well, at least that I have encountered. What do I mean by that? Well, here is a guy that will always stand by his friends 100% even if his friend did something wrong! This is a guy that will get on his friends case if they have been doing what I have been doing for the past month. However, this is also a guy that knows how to cheer you up in a blink of an eye! This is the kind of guy that knows what makes you happy and how to serve that up on a gold plate just for you! Okay, maybe I'm giving him more credit than he deserves, but that's the kind of guy that Mac is.

James is lucky to have a friend like him by his side. He really is. Just another thing for me to be envious of.

So, what is the deal with James and I? I think it is officially a shut case. He is not my type anymore, and the two of us would never click. Is it only because of the fact he has one-too-many tattoos and one-too-many peircings in places that just freak me out? Not really. If that was the only reason, that would only prove that I am way to shallow for my own good. I learned just now when we were talking about Mac how similar we are.

Like I said before, James is lucky to have Mac as a friend. I need someone like Mac in my life that would get on my ass about things until I did them. At least in the way I hear that Mac does it. I doubt he is as forceful and annoying as my mother. Okay, maybe that is giving him too much credit, but a nice guy like him who is really loving and caring? I'm sure he can be a hard ass but sweet at the same time. It's hard to describe how I picture him. Then again, maybe I'm just fooling myself and he isn't like any of these things.

The bottom line is this. James and I are too similar. I kept hearing this little voice saying that opposites attract. While from opposite ends of the world as far as who we are and how we were brought up, we are still the same personality. I need someone that can put up with me, understand me, and ultimately be as good a person as anyone that has been able to put up with me, but on a daily basis. Someone who can be sweet and a hard ass at the same time. Someone that is really out going and loves doing things as long as they are with me. This is what I need... and this is also what I feel James needs.

What I just said was either really mature or really stupid. I don't know, you tell me which it is.

Happy New Years... Whatever...

I found out several things last night that I should have blogged about, but was too tired to do so.

I found out that I just do not care about holidays anymore. They lost their magic. They no longer are all that special. So once a year you hunt for plastic eggs with candy inside. Once a year you get to dress up as whoever you feel like being as. Once a year a fat man gives you presents for being good. Once a year you get to eat like there is no tomorrow. Once a year you get to tell your crush how much you like them. Once a year you have to wear green!

So what?! Yes, I know that some of these things we do for fun, but the fun is no longer there! It was cool to be able to stay up until midnight when I was eight, but now that I can do that on a semi-regular basis, it is getting kind of old! And yes, I know the holidays only come once every year, but it is the same thing every year, and I'm always reminded of what holiday that is about to come three months in advance, that is if I go shopping at all!

That's another thing I found out last night. Why is it that I always look at things I will never buy? I do that online, in the mall, even at the bulletin board at Watkins! I always look at things I will never be able to get for one reason or another. It just sucks that I keep doing that to myself! I need to buy one of these things that I like to look at and wish I could own! Just one of them! I mean, I have a hundred bucks for crying out loud!

Knowing me, I'd spend it on porn. I really need to curve this sexual frustration of mine somehow. Maybe if I don't masturbate. Yeah, I know, I've seen 40 Days and 40 Nights. I know that I probably won't make it to my 21st birthday let alone the 21st of the month. But I have to try something! I'm killing my brain here thinking about nothing but trying to get laid, how I am not getting any, and all that shit.

I bitch too much.