Conflicts of Ethics

I woke up this morning with a battle on my mind. I should be doing homework, but since I do not have to go to school on Monday, the procrastinator in me is telling me to put it off despite what the good student is telling me. The battle is so stupidly intense that it is giving me a headache!

When I came down here just now, I saw that we received the latest issue of TIME. The cover? The benefits of sex other than procreation and pleasure. Here is what I found interesting.

Heart Disease

Lovemaking is good aerobic exercise that improves the circulation and works the heart. Sexually active people tend to suffer from fewer heart attacks, possibly owing to their better fitness.

Weight

Intercourse can burn around 200 calories, not bad for a few minutes' work and far more entertaining than a 15-minute churn on the treadmill at the gym.

Depression

Sexually active people appear to be less vulnerable to depression and suicide, perhaps because they are more comfortable with their sexuality. Researchers are also looking at the brain chemicals involved.

Anxiety

Hormones released during arousal can calm anxiety, ease fear, and break down inhibitions.

Immunity

Frequent intercourse may boost levels of key immune cells that help fight off colds and other infections.

Cancer

Early studies hint that oxytocin and the hormone DHEA, both released during orgasm, may prevent breast-cancer cells from developing into tumors.

Longevity

Frequent orgasm has been linked to longer life; this may have something to do with the sex's beneficial effects on the heart and immune system.

So, according to all this research, I'm as good as dead because of the lack of sex I get. Well, not exactly, but I will end up dying early.... okay, earlier than I originally thought. This also means that those sex hounds I used to know (Andrew and James) are going to be the healthiest fuckers (LITERALLY) that I've had the (dis)pleasure of knowing!

This sucks! First I'm clinically pronounced as a mentally depressed obsessive compulsive, then I learn I'm gay before I even enter high school, and now I find out that not only living a pessimistic life will cause my life expectancy to drop, but not having enough sex will cause that number to drop even more?!

Sometimes I wish I could just be like Kyle in the South Park episode where he gets a hemorrhoid. I just want to stop fighting everything that hurts so much and die. Unless I see some kind of sign of hope, I just want to end everything.

CRAP! There I go! I'm slipping again!

DAMN YOU TIME MAGAZINE! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PRINT THIS?! WHY!?