Sleepless Night Leads to Unpleasant Morning

I am rather bitter right now. You have been warned, reader.

Last night, for whatever reason, I had another one of my creative surges. Out of fairness, due to the fact that there is only one computer in the entire house with internet connectivity, I could not get any of it out. Drawing did not seem like a good outlet. Writing could only do some much. I needed to create, but how was the problem. Knowing full well that I would not have a shot at the computer, I tried my best to channel this energy somewhere useful. It ended up going into my default fantasy. I need to get rid of this stupid thing.

I tried sleeping, but minutes felt like hours to me. They should would not go away. I would swear that at least two hours have passed, but in reality, only 45 minutes would have gone by! No matter how hard I tried, my mind would not let me sleep. This energy needed to either be suppress or released. Either way, I did not get any sleep at all last night.

I woke up this morning dazed and confused. I knew I didn't sleep at all last night, and was wondering why it is morning. Maybe I did sleep. I went downstairs to get a quick breakfast. The fatigue must have gotten to me. While I was making it, my mother was on the computer. I showed her some affection, something I rarely do. She began barking at me saying that this is the only time she will ever use the computer when I am in the house. She kept telling me that I will not have the computer. That's all she did. Just bark at me like the bitch she is.

While watching cartoons, I kept switching back and forth between channels. Local wrestling was on, and I saw what happened with Jonny Fairplay. Channel surfing like I normally do was a big mistake this morning. I saw muscle men wrestling with other muscle men, and I thought of James. I saw a commercial for Walt Disney World featuring Goofy, and I thought of Bill. I saw an advertisement for Brink! on the Disney Channel, and I thought of Andrew. Hell, even that southern sounding lawyer on Yu-Gi-Oh! this morning got me thinking about Josh! A re-run of Mystery Science Theater 3000 was showing a 70's B-horror which had a skinny blond boy that was always shirtless in nearly every shot. That only made things even more difficult to stand.

Problems and frustrations began to boil. By the time my cartoons were over, I had developed an emotion I'm not familiar with and really wish I could never visit as often as I have. On my way up to the bathroom hoping that a shower would settle things, even more stress came upon me. I saw my sister playing games on the internet. And she wonders why her reports are so hard the day before they are do. My mother was nagging at me saying that I could go to the library today since I am up. I told her Sunday, because I cannot concentrate on my work. She took it as if I was being lazy. She doesn't know anything. She won't ever. I can't talk to her. She doesn't understand what it is like to grow up the way I have. So what if she grew up all third-world. She turned it around and made things better for herself because she had the drive to. I can't! I have been growing up trying to fit in, trying so hard to be normal! And I can't even talk about a movie that everyone and their grandmother has seen!!

I have too many problems and only a cum-stained cuddle pillow to talk to! I don't know anyone that would take the time out of their schedule to help me! I don't know anyone that would think that would even be fair to them! It's unfair for me to be this selfish! It's unfair what I have to go through just to live a life that I know I could do better! It isn't fair that none of this makes any sense to me! It's unfair that my drive, my self-esteem, the very core of my spirit is so weak that even a gnat could run over it five times over! It's unfair to me to be living in this fantasy world I have created for myself! It's unfair to both me and my teachers that I am settling for minimum effort!

Most of all, it's unfair to me to be the way that I am. To complain and not do anything about it because I feel I can't. I don't know how to snap out of it. I don't know what I can do to make me get pass all this.

I'm back to where I started.