Premature and Immature

I had a creative surge involving my Neopets, and while I was finishing up the first stage of this plot of mine that I was going to carry out on Neopets, Sam logged on under James's IM name. I IMed with him for a while, which proved to be very fruitful.

Sam has a way of being like Bill and Andrew, in that they have this way of being able to get inside your head without you knowing it. It is kind of a form of manipulative interrogation. No, that's not right. Well, I don't know what it is, but I do know that it is highly effective. Sam used this on me, and I have to say, I am really lucky and thankful that he did! He made me think really hard about the things I have done to James.

What I said to him was wrong! Dead wrong! I should have never even thought of those things! I have become this shallow, selfish person I did not like. What's worst is that if Sam did not do what he did to me, I would have become even more shallow and even more selfish! What I was doing was wrong. It wasn't right to James. I wasn't thinking of his feelings. I was only thinking about myself, and that is wrong in a relationship of this kind!

I then realized what I always knew. I love James. I love his sweetness. I love that feeling I get whenever I can IM with him, that comfortable feeling. I think about him and fantasize about him even when I know I shouldn't. So what if he has tattoos and a nipple ring? Wyatt has a nose ring and a whole arm of tattoos, and somehow I developed and odd crush on him! It was my damn shallowness at the time that dismissed that as nothing more but me being a sexually repressed slut of a fag that I am! It was that immature part of me that allowed myself to get assimilated into this retarded state of mine where looks matter! Looks are the last thing that should matter! In the end, even the most beautiful of super models will end up having their boobs sag! On top of that, who am I to be thinking that looks matter? I'm no dish! Never was one! That would have to be the lowest form of low I could have gone to! This is the reason why I hate myself so much! I let myself become these things that I hate!

I tried to make it right with James, but I screwed up somewhere along the way. I know I did. I can feel it. Mac then jumped on and started to get on my ass about how I've been acting as of recently. Although I never told him (and why would I in the middle of a verbal beat down), this is just what I was wanting from him. This was exactly what I needed from someone just like him to do to me.

I'm tired of this shit. I want to make things right. I don't want to lose another opportunity. I don't want to lose another second chance. I want to be above all of this. I want to be with James, tattoos and all! I want to become an artist that isn't so shallow minded about the people he sees!

The person that I once was has seen the last hour of this new year. I pray that this person reborn by this epiphany will stay forever, continually growing and learning as he marches on through the years.