Random Rant

I do not know what it is about this time of year that just makes me sick. There is just something about this time of year that make me want to just blow up every single department store. Half out of the fact that I cannot get what I want, and half because I am anti-consumerism. Yes, I know that is a big contradiction, but what the hell do I know? I'm half tired right now, and don't really care what I say. I want to go to sleep, forget that I have so much damn work that I need to do, and just veg. If I had a Playstation2, maybe I'd play some video games or watch a DVD. I just want to be lazy and secure myself a slot somewhere in Hell. I forgot which circle the people that commit sloth go, but it can't be as bad as where people that have committed the act of sodomy. They get sent to a place where devils shove burning hot irons up their asses.

Yes, it is the sleep talking right now. Yes, it is the fact that I had another fucking dream about someone's death. Yes, it is the fact that I found someone else's NeoPet account still logged on in this computer I am on, from which I signed out of. And yes, I'm sick and tired of all this work, this school, this chore called life. If anything, I would rather be a home doing what I used to do before I came to college. I want to be dreaming good dreams. I want to know what it is like to be able to talk to someone that will listen. I want to be myself. But I know that I am better off than where I was six months ago. I know that I am better off than where I was last week. I know that I am a better person than they will ever be. Sure, I do not have their influence, their cash, their power, and, above all else, their big dicks, but I am better than they are in the fact that I knew when I did something wrong and was able to admit it. I took blame for things that I know I was at fault for. They were the ones that took my pride away. They were the ones that made me feel like shit. They were the ones that could never admit that they were wrong, and will never do so. I am better than they will ever be because I know my mistakes, and the biggest one I have ever made was getting to know them. The biggest mistake I cannot deny is the fact that I fell in love with a jerk... and then that jerk's cousin! My hopes and dreams came rushing like a flood, and in that flood, I lost all reality and all common sense. I can see that now. I know now that I should have never even bother to try to get to know them. I know now that I should have just left them the moment they told me who they really were. So they trusted me. So what? I trusted them, and what I ever get? I got $200 "stolen" from me from my savings account. I lost my virginity. I lost all sense of purpose. The only thing that can bring any of that back is if I get rid of them, and I have. They are nothing more but a painful memory I rather not talk about, but cannot help but do so.

Does any of this make sense to you? Does any of this even matter? Here I am, tired, sleepy, angry, lazy, and, quite frankly, just really annoyed with myself that I couldn't come to these realizations sooner. Here I am wondering who will read this, if they will even bother to use the Critique option, and if I'll ever be rid of whatever it is that makes me ill around this time of year and around Valentine's day. What is it about the emotion of love and togetherness that makes me feel cheated? Is it because when I thought I was in love I was just being lead around like the puppy I am? Is it because I don't know what love is and will never know now after what I have been though? And why the fuck am I remembering all this now? Why am I typing about this with so much force and anger? What is it about me that draws me to the dangerous and the forbidden so easily? Why can I not be a normal gay twenty year old that goes out? Why can I not measure up to all the artistic standards set before me? Why do I even care about what people think? What is it about me and this damn co-dependent nature that I have developed? Why can I not get rid of it? Why can I not just be an independent soul and do as everyone does? Why am I attracted more to straight guys instead of the gay ones I see? What is the deal with me and my skater fetish? Why do I like to watch erotic wrestling? What is the deal with me and always downloading porn off KaZaA? Why do I even ask so many questions about myself and about things that I should know already?

What's the point anymore? I don't understand myself. I doubt anyone does. I'll never find that boyfriend that I want. That beautiful blonde muse whose muscles cause my creativity to spark. That Adonis that holds me just right so that I can go to sleep comfortably in his arms. That angel that has nothing against me and does everything for me. I know I'll never find that person. I lost that person a long time ago when I turned my back and finally said "NO" to them after enduring their shit for those five long years.

I hate being this way. I hate being this greedy. I hate the way I type these blogs. I hate everything lately. My art, society, life in general. Sometimes I want to destroy it all, but I know I cannot. I wish nothing existed. I wish I never existed.

God, I'm moody.