(Late) Morning Thoughts

Sitting here this morning in this near-empty house with the gift for Jessica looming over me like some kind of guilt badge, two things are on my mind.

First and most important is James. It has been three days, and still no word from him. Not even an e-mail! I know he said that he is going to try really hard, but this is coming off as him not trying at all. I know he also said that he would take things slowly, but I learned from Andrew that if you take things slow, what you want will go away fast. There is a certain kind of slow pace that needs to be taken when you are "taking things slowly." Three days of no contact what-so-ever doesn't come off as taking it slowly.

I don't know, I'm worried that since Monday night's teaching lesson I shorted his brain to the point where he thinks this is too hard for him. No one said life would be easy. If he is really serious about this (which I'm starting to doubt now), then he has got to do what he does in the kick boxing ring and just roll with the punches.

The other thing that is bothering me today is that I seem to have developed an addiction to porn. Yes, I know I'm a pervert, but you can ask anyone that has met me and knows me, and they will say that I know when and when not to let that side out of me. Still, this has come up in my mind before, probably even in this blog! I know that this kind of thing, like sex, is good in moderation, but I think my viewing porn is overcompensating for the fact that I cannot get laid! If I could get away with it, I'd hire one of these escorts (At least, the ones that are cute. The ones that I've seen advertised online aren't all that attractive. Then again, what whore is?), but I know I could never get away with it let alone have the cash for it. Even if I was different and had a job and all that good stuff, I still wouldn't be able to get away with it. This whole "sexual repression" or whatever it is called is getting on my nerves. Masturbation doesn't help either, mostly because it all is starting to feel the same to me again, similar to how I stopped using that dildo Dan gave me.

I don't know. I should be like any other gay twenty-year-old and out there clubbing and getting hit up in the back room while some techno bass echoes through the hall. I should be out there fucking anything that is male and moves! At the very least, I should be fucking a really good friend (AKA Fuck Friend, Bed Buddie, Comrade in Cum), but I don't even have a friend with that kind of benefit. Then again, who would be lucky enough to even find one that sick and twisted is beyond me.

I hate being so messed up with so many issues and having no where to go by this blog to get them out in some kind of therapeutic manner.