Evening of Thought

I talked to James again tonight, and I made myself look like a big fool in the process. At first, I was my old, naive self. The self that made all these dreams up thinking that they would all come true. James eventually brought me back down to reality. I thought about what he said about thinking realistically. Eventually, we started talking about me and all my various characteristics that are not really all that favorable. I told him that some things about me seem too permanent to change. James said that all I needed was a new outlook on life.

After awhile, I noticed that I began to over think things. I haven't done this since the start of the semester. The last time I remember doing this was when I was IMing with James and the others. James asked if that was a bad thing. I couldn't answer him. My sister came home in tears worried about the neighbor's cat she is cat sitting. She couldn't find it to let it into the house. Because it was midnight, mom wanted me to go out with her. I swear, she thinks we live in an area were people get shot all the time. This is the suburbs, not the ghetto. When I finally got my jacket to join my sister in the hunt, she said that the cat was already back in the house. I kept thinking on that short walk back that me going out there was just a waste of time seeing how I wasn't really needed.

That's my biggest fear, really, and my biggest acceptance. I fear and yet know that I will never really be needed by anyone. James said that there are parts of me that need to be changed or else I'll end up all alone forever. I know this for a fact, because I can see what is wrong with me. Like Zero said in the Critiques once, identifying what's wrong is the first step. I just need to know what I need to do to change it and then try to stick with whatever it is that needs to be done to change. Knowing me, however, I need a support group. That's just the way some things work for me. I don't know what it is that causes this, but there are just some things I feel more comfortable doing in a group, and changing myself seems to be one of them. Maybe it is because I'm attracted to the care and attention that support groups give. Then again, maybe I'm being naive again.

So, is me over thinking things again a bad thing? It is. When I start to over think things, I end up becoming ridiculous instead of realistic. I begin to see things unclearly, and that starts to worry me. I end up viewing events, sometimes setting myself up for failure before I even start! Sometimes, I end up making things a lot harder than they really are simply because I over think things. This is probably the root of my weird logic. I know I need to stop it, but I can't seem to. My mind likes to think. Strangely enough, I'm wondering why it is that I did not do this over thinking thing during the semester. Maybe college was what I needed to stop doing this. You know, like maybe college was just the thing that help my brain think in the same level of activity that it does right now when I'm being over analytical.

I don't know. I really need to find a psych major.