One Hour Later

This sucks. I'm going to fail, and I know it. Why? Because something is bothering me so much to the point where I'm depressed again!

What could it possibly this time that has got me so depressed?

I don't know. I have a pretty good idea that it involves "you know who." The damn scar is being reopened again causing me to bleed emotionally. If it is not that, maybe it is because I am still stressed that finals are not over. If it is not that, then maybe it is the time of year. I mean, everyone is so happy and getting into the Christmas spirit (for the most part), and I'm just... well, not really caring. I'm just all bitchy right now. I can't interact with anyone that doesn't have patients with me (i.e. my parents). I'm back to the state where all I want to do is curl up in my room, go to sleep, and never wake up. I don't really care anymore what happens to me, but at the same time I do not want to die some ugly, lonely death.

I'm convinced that no one understands this mood I'm in. The only one that comes close is probably my sister, who has more sympathy rather than empathy towards me if anything. Still, she is the only little star in this dark sky of depression. For that I'm forever thankful. I don't know what I would do without her. I'd probably sink even faster into that black hole everyone like me goes. You know, drop out of college for some stupid reason (probably something economical) or some shit like that.

I should drop out of college. I mean, seriously. I cannot afford this. My family cannot afford this. We have grants, yes, and all that good stuff going for me come next fall semester, but I'm starting to doubt that this will get me anywhere. I'm studying to be an artist, the poorest profession in the world next to a beggar! I won't make a profit until I'm dead!

I think I'm making too many excuses for my own short-comings.

I hate the way I am. I keep comparing myself to the people around me. I keep thinking that I'm never up to snuff to everyone I see. I believe that I am no where near where I should be for my age. I'm not normal, and I know it, and it bothers me. I am just way to critical on myself, on how I look, how I act, what I can and cannot do. I am my own worst enemy! And I cannot get rid of that side of me, because that is me!

This depression is going to carry over to tomorrow and just make a really bad case of "The Mondays" for me if nothing can lift it by the time I go to sleep.