Pure Ranting = Unrefined Blogging

I don't know where to begin, so I'm just going to go with whatever is on my mind and run with it.

Last night after my conversation with James pretty much died, I was talking with Zero about how shallow the gay culture has become in my view. It would seem, at least to me, that the gay culture is probably the most shallow of the shallow next to New Money rich people. For some reason, the gay culture seems to idealize the slim and cut and the kind that could model for the likes of CK, Tommy, and A&F. The perfect gay man, in a way, if there ever was one. A kind of universal Adonis. So what about the guys like me who are not as perfectly built? Well, it would see that my place seem to be best suited with the leather fetish people and the S&M-ers of the gay world if I was to be sorted by built. While that is cool for some people, it isn't for me. This very lack of openness makes me feel as if I have been assimilated into this shallow state, thereby making me a hypocrite to my old matra of how the real beauty of a person is inside. It makes me sick that this is how the sexuality works, if not how mating in general works. It sickens me also that I have become this little shallow miscreant.

I deserve to lose James, the best thing to happen to me since birth. I deserve to lose him, and he deserves something better than whatever I can offer him. I don't deserve to be friends with him, indeed anyone, if I cannot be more than this. It is easy for me to say all this, but you have to know that deep down I know I'm digging a trap for myself. A trap of solitude and depression. I've already started this hole a long time ago back when I was trying to make friends. I guess old habits die hard.

I'm sure I have said this before, but I wonder about these things about me. I'm too old to still like cartoons, but I know some people do. I know I'm too old to be into Disney and all the parks like I am, but I know that there is a group of people out there, some older than me by twice my age, that have the same kind of obsession I do. I know that I cannot be normal and how bad that really is, but I also know that I go to a college were no one there is normal by any standards but their own. I know I should be spending more time worrying about getting a job, but I'm content worrying about seven GIF images well-being than I am about anything else in the real world. I know that I should stop spending my money on video games and burning time away with them, but I find great pleasure in that. I know that I should also just forget about being so damn comfortable at home knowing full well that this will not last, but at the same time I do not want to think about such horrible things. I know I have issues, but I feel they are best dealt with here on this blog. I know I should enjoy the fact that I'm single, but I can't stop the co-dependent side of me that just wants someone around me all the time.

I hate being this way. I hate being my own worst enemy. I really need someone in my life that can counter this. Every time I feel like shit, I take it out of myself. I need someone that can counter that and make me know that things are going to be okay. That things are going to work out in the end and that I have nothing to worry about. I need an angel in the purest form imaginable. Knowing me, my damn shallow nature will take over, and that angel will have to be male, blond hair, blue eyes, six foot tall, ripped like an action figure, and cut (if you know what I mean). If that is the case, then I deserve to beat myself up and just try to live through the night on nothing but a fantasy that my cuddle pillows are actually someone hugging me.

They always say that there is always someone out there that is your other half. There is always a perfect match for you somewhere in the world. Well, that may be the case, but I doubt I will find it in this life time. I'm not boyfriend material. Never was, never will be. If someone was to come up to me right now and say that they found someone that is perfect for me, I would laugh in their faces. How can I be perfect for someone let alone have someone be perfect for me? The only way I could ever be perfect for someone is if they do not mind being the one that will have to do all the loving and caring as if they are a den mother to a bunch of orphans that were beaten by their parents. I know in reality that person does not exist. No one has that much love or that much patience. Even the people running the orphan edges have had cases where their patience runs dry. I should know, because Rory has told me a few stories of when that happened.

I miss Rory. He was cool. He was an orphan. He was put into a home because his mother was the worst mom in the world. The kind that would buy him a Playstation as a gift for him only to break it in front of him that night. I forgot the majority of the story as to how he ended up as an orphan. Still, he was cool. Soft spoken, but when he was able to relax, he was really fun. He was great company.

Great company. Is that how I see everyone I meet and who I call "friend?" As merely great company? I've said this twice already. Once just now, and once before when talking about Paul. Is that all anyone is to me? "Great company?" No wonder I don't have friends I can hang out and go out with like my sister. No wonder I'm still single. No wonder I'm so alone.