Reflections on the Year

(Hey, everyone else is doing it.)

Looking back, I wonder what it is that I've accomplished over the past twelve months. Let's find out what sticks out the most.

Over the last year I have...

• gone to college finally and survived the first semester of it.
• made friends.
• lost friends.
• found out that I have a disgustingly high sexual hunger due to sexual repression (among other things that I do not like about myself).
• revived my love for Disney and all the magic it brings.
• gained hope.
• lost hope.
• chased a dream only to fail.
• gone after something I did not want, but ended up getting.
• had a boyfriend.
• lost a boyfriend.
• had a boyfriend.
• lost a boyfriend.
• developed several crushes on several boys I know I will never be able to have in my life.
• mooched off my aunt more often than I used to for entertainment reasons.
• maintain all my seemingly useless accounts for another year.
• joined several sites, thereby increasing the number of useless accounts I have
• blogged about a year that no one really cares about other than myself

Notice how I failed to mention anything about the war, the president, entertainment gossip, and everything else that the TV stations are airing. It isn't that I do not remember any of those events. It is because I do not care about them. I could care less about the war on terror, I could care less about our president, I could care less about Ben and J. Lo, I could care less about Paris Hilton, I could care less about the debate on the draft. Okay, maybe I'm lying about the draft, but everything else I could care less about. Mostly because I'm sick of being reminded of it.

So what do I hope that the new year holds? Why should I? To set up the next twelve months with some kind of hope or goal would be useless. I mean, everyone knows that people like me will make some kind of New Years Resolution at the start of the new year only to not keep it before February comes around. It always happens! I was better off before I started thinking about these kind of things. I was better off before I was all "Okay, this year is going to be different!" Just let time take its course this year, I say. Whatever Fate wants to do with me is fine by me. It cannot be any worst than what I have going for me right now.

Damn, how I wish I was at a beer drinker and at a party right now. It's times like these that make me wish I was capable of getting drunk.

What am I talking about?! If I'm like this sober, becoming drunk would only make me ten times as annoying!

I need a trip to Walt Disney World for a month. All expenses paid. Hell, I wouldn't mind going if I was some "tour guide" for some rich kid that has never been there before! Come to think of it, that would make the time there more fun. Either way, I need a vacation from all this where I can just cut loose and not care about anything. Not about money, not about making the grade. Nothing. Just me, a comfortable hotel bed, and all the rides and attractions I can take at Disney World.

Like that will happen.

Oh well, here's to the next year and whatever shit it brings my way.

Drawing the Line

You know I was going to put this on my SubProfile just for the fun of it, but then I remembered the whole AOL policy about being family friendly and all that jazz. Then I remembered about how some people on SubProfile do nothing but advertise porn via their subprofile! So, not wanting to fall into that category, I figured I'd just copy and paste what I was going to add here. Yeah, I know, not really the best move I could make, but I've made worst.

Porn That I Want But Know I Will Never Get (Much Like Sex)

• Lauderdale Strip
• An American in Prague DVD
• Boys Club 1 & 2

Pure Ranting = Unrefined Blogging

I don't know where to begin, so I'm just going to go with whatever is on my mind and run with it.

Last night after my conversation with James pretty much died, I was talking with Zero about how shallow the gay culture has become in my view. It would seem, at least to me, that the gay culture is probably the most shallow of the shallow next to New Money rich people. For some reason, the gay culture seems to idealize the slim and cut and the kind that could model for the likes of CK, Tommy, and A&F. The perfect gay man, in a way, if there ever was one. A kind of universal Adonis. So what about the guys like me who are not as perfectly built? Well, it would see that my place seem to be best suited with the leather fetish people and the S&M-ers of the gay world if I was to be sorted by built. While that is cool for some people, it isn't for me. This very lack of openness makes me feel as if I have been assimilated into this shallow state, thereby making me a hypocrite to my old matra of how the real beauty of a person is inside. It makes me sick that this is how the sexuality works, if not how mating in general works. It sickens me also that I have become this little shallow miscreant.

I deserve to lose James, the best thing to happen to me since birth. I deserve to lose him, and he deserves something better than whatever I can offer him. I don't deserve to be friends with him, indeed anyone, if I cannot be more than this. It is easy for me to say all this, but you have to know that deep down I know I'm digging a trap for myself. A trap of solitude and depression. I've already started this hole a long time ago back when I was trying to make friends. I guess old habits die hard.

I'm sure I have said this before, but I wonder about these things about me. I'm too old to still like cartoons, but I know some people do. I know I'm too old to be into Disney and all the parks like I am, but I know that there is a group of people out there, some older than me by twice my age, that have the same kind of obsession I do. I know that I cannot be normal and how bad that really is, but I also know that I go to a college were no one there is normal by any standards but their own. I know I should be spending more time worrying about getting a job, but I'm content worrying about seven GIF images well-being than I am about anything else in the real world. I know that I should stop spending my money on video games and burning time away with them, but I find great pleasure in that. I know that I should also just forget about being so damn comfortable at home knowing full well that this will not last, but at the same time I do not want to think about such horrible things. I know I have issues, but I feel they are best dealt with here on this blog. I know I should enjoy the fact that I'm single, but I can't stop the co-dependent side of me that just wants someone around me all the time.

I hate being this way. I hate being my own worst enemy. I really need someone in my life that can counter this. Every time I feel like shit, I take it out of myself. I need someone that can counter that and make me know that things are going to be okay. That things are going to work out in the end and that I have nothing to worry about. I need an angel in the purest form imaginable. Knowing me, my damn shallow nature will take over, and that angel will have to be male, blond hair, blue eyes, six foot tall, ripped like an action figure, and cut (if you know what I mean). If that is the case, then I deserve to beat myself up and just try to live through the night on nothing but a fantasy that my cuddle pillows are actually someone hugging me.

They always say that there is always someone out there that is your other half. There is always a perfect match for you somewhere in the world. Well, that may be the case, but I doubt I will find it in this life time. I'm not boyfriend material. Never was, never will be. If someone was to come up to me right now and say that they found someone that is perfect for me, I would laugh in their faces. How can I be perfect for someone let alone have someone be perfect for me? The only way I could ever be perfect for someone is if they do not mind being the one that will have to do all the loving and caring as if they are a den mother to a bunch of orphans that were beaten by their parents. I know in reality that person does not exist. No one has that much love or that much patience. Even the people running the orphan edges have had cases where their patience runs dry. I should know, because Rory has told me a few stories of when that happened.

I miss Rory. He was cool. He was an orphan. He was put into a home because his mother was the worst mom in the world. The kind that would buy him a Playstation as a gift for him only to break it in front of him that night. I forgot the majority of the story as to how he ended up as an orphan. Still, he was cool. Soft spoken, but when he was able to relax, he was really fun. He was great company.

Great company. Is that how I see everyone I meet and who I call "friend?" As merely great company? I've said this twice already. Once just now, and once before when talking about Paul. Is that all anyone is to me? "Great company?" No wonder I don't have friends I can hang out and go out with like my sister. No wonder I'm still single. No wonder I'm so alone.

No Love, Strange Feelings

I just IMed James no more than two minutes before I started typing this. I need to blog this, if for nothing else, for continuity of plot.

The mood now between us just now as we exchanged those four IMs felt rather strange to me. It was almost as if we weren't friends but at the same time we weren't acquaintances or total strangers. A strange kind of medium ground that just felt rather odd to me. A mix of "I am your friend" and "I am no longer your friend."

I find this feeling really uncomfortable. Hopefully as the night goes on, things will change just a little bit.

30 Minutes Later...

Your application has been submitted successfully.

If you are selected to receive a scholarship, we will contact you by letter and
e-mail. Please note that the next recipients will be selected December 31, 2003

Thank you and Good Luck!

Yeah, good luck indeed. God knows I'm going to need it.

Wanting to be Lazy

I have been given an assignment, but unfortunately, I fear that I will not be able to complete it on time. The deadline is this coming Wednesday.

So, what is it that I have been assigned to do? Apply for a scholarship. Yes, I know, that's a really good assignment. Yes, I know that it will help me given our financial state. Yes, I know I don't have a chance at winning it because I'm up against my own sister!!

So what do I have to write about? I have to write a 200-word essay on who has greatly impacted my life as well as another 200-word essay about what I hope to achieve after college. Total bullshit questions. I believe scholarships should go to poor people, like myself, that show great academic promise given their public school records rather than this whole "write an essay and maybe we'll pick yours if it is the best" crap.

I don't want to do this, but we need the money. The award gives out a minimum of $1,000. That's nearly a quarter of my semester tuition! Even though I know I do not stand a change, I need this money.

Why is it that I always go after the things that are impossible to get? I guess I'm living up to my motto.

No one said life would be easy.

The New James: A New Drama?

I found out what happened with James over the course of the last few months while I was stressing over assignments. He apparently got some tattoos and piercing. He has an arm band as well as a few other tattoos on him and his nipples are pierced. This is a complete 180 from what he used to be! I mean, complete! He used to be clean cut, almost preppie in nature. Practically Abercrombie & Fitch material!

Well, this whole thing about the tattoos and piercing just isn't for me. I liked him better before when he was all clean cut and shy and almost like a puppy dog in nature and attitude.

I told him this, and the next thing I knew I was greeted by a long silence on IMs. I felt the need to apologize, probably out of habit. James responded to me saying that he could easily say something right now but he won't because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. A red flag went up signaling that I had pissed him off. James said that I came off as thinking that I'm all that and that I can get any boy that I wanted. I defended myself by saying that I was just saying that the nipple piercing and the tattoos are not for me. He ended the subject by saying that he hopes I meet someone cool. I told him that I really doubt that I will.

After that, we went back to talking as if none of this happened. At least, for the most part.

I don't know if it is the fact that the last blog entry I drafted was deleted or if it because of what I'm feeling right now. I just have this odd feeling like this is going to cause a lot of unwanted drama. I have about two weeks left before the spring semester starts, and the last thing I need is drama and stress. Sure, it may help me with my art, but I seriously do not want anything bad to happen that will revert me back to how I was. I have done a lot of growing up since August, and I'd like to not be like how I was two years ago.

Still, I cannot help but feel as if something is going to happen to me that I know I caused. Like I said, maybe it is just habit since that kind of stuff always seems to happen when it involves James. I don't know.

I know I'm not all that. I know I cannot get any boy that I want, no matter how hard I wanted to. I know that I've done some growing since the start of the Fall semester. I know that what I've been doing is rather slow compared to the achievements of, say, Jaime or Ken. But at the very least they are better than where I was before. I don't brood as much anymore. I'm able to sense red flags quicker even if I cannot stop saying the things I know that set them off. I've become more honest and frank with things. I don't know how else I've improved, but I know I have.

But why is it that I still feel like something really big is going to happen that is going to cause a lot of drama that it should be on a daytime soap opera?

Cat Update

The damn cat is finally home, and just in time, too. The family comes home tomorrow. My sister couldn't be more relieved.

Thank God that's over.

That Damn Cat

Warning: Longest run-on sentence I have ever typed personally

The battle damage of all my Christmas gifts is small due to the fact that the only things that I noticed that were broken in any way were the Pirates movie soundtrack CD case, which mysteriously got a crack on the back side where all that fine print is, and a tear in my Jack Skellington Hot Topic bag, which was bound to happen due to the fact that I had to put my double-bell alarm clock back in the bag unwrapped, which is in a plastic box with sharp corners on the base which, we all know, is as sharp as a razor blade if given the right situation and can cut through anything except, for some bizarre reason, the Nightmare Before Christmas film art book, which is still wrapped along with my Haunted Mansion music CD making the only things that I actually opened after unwrapping everything all the gifts involving Pirates of the Caribbean like the movie soundtrack, which I'm listening to right now as I type this blog and this insanely long run-on sentence that would make my English teacher question that B she gave me for the semester.

(The above is a good example of how to piss off your English teacher.)

But that is the least of my worries right now.

My sister is babysitting a cat for the neighbors across the street. Three days ago, it never came home. My sister is visibly upset about this, to the point of tears one night. This is her responsibility. She is responsible for the cat's well being and overall safety. She is suppose to be taking care of the cat for the neighbors until the owners come home this Sunday. To my knowledge, she has called up the family and told them about what happened. She still is feeling really bad about everything. There are only two things that help her feel any better. Playing games online and, of course, her boyfriend. I applaud Michael's sweet nature in the way he is helping her look for the cat as well as making my sister feel better about the situation. It is very charming and a good quality to have in any person, boyfriend, girlfriend, or even just a friend. Still, though, that damn cat has been the case for a lot of worry and stress for my sister during a time of vacationing and relaxation. She doesn't deserve this, especially from some damn animal as fickle and snotty as a cat!

It is times like this I wish I had the power to do something for her. If I could, I'd gather all the cats in a fifty-mile radius and line them up like they were in a police line up for my sister. I hate seeing her in any state I'm not used to seeing her in, and seeing her being all upset about anything is one of those states, second only to her crying.

The All Important Answer to the All Important Question

So, you may be wondering what it is that I got today. Well, here's the list.

• Nightmare Before Christmas Film Art book, paperback ed.
• Lock, Shock, and Barrel Double Bell Alarm Clock
• a Jack Skellington Hot Topic Bag


• Pirates of the Caribbean DVD
• The Pirates of the Caribbean/Haunted Mansion Soundtrack bundle from Amazon.com
• incense
• $100

The Jack Skellington bag held all the Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. Nice theming, don't you think? I love the alarm clock! I always like those double-bell alarm clocks. There is just something about them that just makes me feel really comfy and almost giddy whenever I see one.

The Pirates DVD I knew I was going to get, but I didn't know I was also going to get the soundtrack let alone the bundle pack from Amazon.com! Now that was a surprise, along with everything else.

The incense and the money were standard gifts from my aunt. I really need to find my burner again or make one from that glass coke bottle in the hallway. I miss enveloping my entire room in some wild herb's burning scent. Chances are I'll end up making one.

The money has to go into the bank. I cannot spend it no matter how much I want to. I must fight the urge to spend it. Tomorrow, all of it is going into my savings.

Now to just enjoy all my new entertainments... or at least most of them.

A Very Un-Christmas Morning

I'm sitting here now, wondering why no one woke me up at some insane hour of the morning to unwrap Christmas presents (the few we have). There's no Christmas music playing, no one making or even attempting to make a Christmas breakfast, and my sister, who is usually so full of spirit around this time of year, has left to do her responsibilities for the neighbor's cat.

I already know what I'm getting. It is not going to be that big of a surprise to me. It doesn't look like Santa came to our house. Maybe it is because mom put the Nativity scene in the chimney, thereby, blocking his way in. I was hoping for something special in my little bumper stocking that I got from Megan on the last day of the semester. Maybe that's hoping for too much.

Why can't we all have a Christmas morning like what we see on TV?

Christmas Eve... And I Don't Care!

Note to self: Tonight is X-Play's Best of 2003 Video Game award. Watch that, then go to sleep. Shaking presents to guess what is in them not required.

Something Close to What I Wanted

My sister's boyfriend's family invited us to celebrate in a Christmas get-together, so you can guess where we were tonight.

It was interesting. For starters, it looked more like a family reunion. Then some friends of the mother came and so on and so on. As more and more people came, I started going into drifter mode. I people watched everyone from every age and generation while still being introduced as the girlfriend's brother.

The food was something else! I never tasted anything like it before! It was so intoxicating and delicious! I wish I could describe it on the blog, but I can't.

I kind of was hoping Paul would be there. I know, that slut side of me is probably going to be showing right now, but in all honesty, I didn't mean it like that. I was really hoping Paul would be there as a friendship kind of thing. Granted we are not friends in the true sense of the word, but he is great company. I'm over him as far as a sexual attraction goes. Still, I wish I could have seen him again and ask him what he's been up to since we last saw him.

Tonight was what I wanted my own family to do but never did. Good food, good company, good stories to tell that you cannot tell because you had to have been there in order to enjoy it in its fullest. I'm happy right now that I at least got this Christmas wish from my sister's boyfriend.

Fall Semester Grades

My mom accidentally opened my grades from Watkins this morning when she was paying bills. Look how I did.

Art History Survey 1 - B
Drawing 1 - B+
2D Design - B+
Creativity - A-
English Composition 1 - B

Hey, I did a lot better than I thought.

The Magic of Music

Today must be my Disney Day as far as music and things making me feel things I haven't felt in a while.

I heard IllumiNation 2000 on MouseInfo.com Radio. I pretty much left my current state of mind (whatever that state was) and started acting as if I was five again thinking magic is real and anything is possible. Like with everything else, my imagination started to go into overdrive in trying to remember how the night show at Epcot looks like while throwing in my own little twist.

Then they started playing another song and I came back to reality.

I love my fantasy worlds. I just wish they could be real.

I wonder if Disney had this kind of problem.

"Remember who you are."

I watched my aunt's DVD of The Lion King today. For some reason, I skipped to the scene where Simba sees his father's ghost for only a minute. I don't know why, but something happened to me when I was watching that scene that never happened before. I've seen the movie dozens of times, but this had never happened to me until just now.

I began to cry.

The scene, but itself, is so moving. Maybe it is just the timing in that I've been confused for the last 24 hours, but I felt something that I never felt before watching that scene. It is hard to describe the feeling, but whatever it was, I ended up learning something I already knew.

I cannot change the way I am. This is who I am. Every little insecurity of mine, every envy fiber of my being, every little cynical cell, every tiny characteristic, like it or not. This is who I am. I am and will always be me. I cannot change that. I am more than what I have become. I am more than just this twenty-year-old, pathetic excuse for a human. I am an artist. I see things in a way few can. I am strange and unusual to most if not all. I march to my own drummer. I do as I please. I am respectful. I am loving. I am forgiving. I am a slow learner and take my time learning.

This is who I am. It may not be anything special, but this is who I am right now...

...like it or not.

That Empty Feeling is Back

I woke up this morning not feeling special. I checked my mail, and thought nothing of it. Well, except for that little blip about the Fight Club video game. Personally, I think the game is coming out late compared to the movie, but what do I know? The movie itself was great, so I'll leave the judgment of the video game to the fine people at X-Play on TechTV.

For some reason, my dad is down here listening to a Christian radio station. While I don't object to the Christmas music they are playing, I had to turn on DDRFreak Radio in order to drown them out after I heard a really ridiculous ad/Christian Public Service announcement saying that Abercrombie & Fitch are exploiting teens and children in their modeling ads. People really need to do their research. All of their models, at least the really hot ones, are all at least my age or older! The ad called for a boycott of the store and to return gifts from love ones to that store. So much for the season of acceptance and love.

So, here I am, drowning the outside world to Japanese and Korean techno. What is on my mind to warrant a blog even titled what it is?

The answer is simple. I did some thinking last night after my first blog. I also did this in my sleep. Don't ask me how, I just feel like I did.

So what did I think about? I thought about myself. I see no reason to change who I am. I see myself as a hypocrite around people I like, changing the way I am just so they will like me. That is not the way you should live life. You should be true to yourself. If they don't like you for that, then they are not worth your time.

I know this lesson by heart. Why can't I practice what I preach? Why do I have this strange desire to be with people that are way better looking and way more fit than myself, both sexually and non-sexually? And why is it that those people seem so far out of my league? Ken, Jaime, Christina, Coffey, Jason, and now James. What is it about them that just draws me to them like the leech I am?

Fight Club... The Video Game?

Click here to see a small preview to the Fight Club video game.

It's times like this I wish I owned a next-gen gaming console.

Evening of Thought

I talked to James again tonight, and I made myself look like a big fool in the process. At first, I was my old, naive self. The self that made all these dreams up thinking that they would all come true. James eventually brought me back down to reality. I thought about what he said about thinking realistically. Eventually, we started talking about me and all my various characteristics that are not really all that favorable. I told him that some things about me seem too permanent to change. James said that all I needed was a new outlook on life.

After awhile, I noticed that I began to over think things. I haven't done this since the start of the semester. The last time I remember doing this was when I was IMing with James and the others. James asked if that was a bad thing. I couldn't answer him. My sister came home in tears worried about the neighbor's cat she is cat sitting. She couldn't find it to let it into the house. Because it was midnight, mom wanted me to go out with her. I swear, she thinks we live in an area were people get shot all the time. This is the suburbs, not the ghetto. When I finally got my jacket to join my sister in the hunt, she said that the cat was already back in the house. I kept thinking on that short walk back that me going out there was just a waste of time seeing how I wasn't really needed.

That's my biggest fear, really, and my biggest acceptance. I fear and yet know that I will never really be needed by anyone. James said that there are parts of me that need to be changed or else I'll end up all alone forever. I know this for a fact, because I can see what is wrong with me. Like Zero said in the Critiques once, identifying what's wrong is the first step. I just need to know what I need to do to change it and then try to stick with whatever it is that needs to be done to change. Knowing me, however, I need a support group. That's just the way some things work for me. I don't know what it is that causes this, but there are just some things I feel more comfortable doing in a group, and changing myself seems to be one of them. Maybe it is because I'm attracted to the care and attention that support groups give. Then again, maybe I'm being naive again.

So, is me over thinking things again a bad thing? It is. When I start to over think things, I end up becoming ridiculous instead of realistic. I begin to see things unclearly, and that starts to worry me. I end up viewing events, sometimes setting myself up for failure before I even start! Sometimes, I end up making things a lot harder than they really are simply because I over think things. This is probably the root of my weird logic. I know I need to stop it, but I can't seem to. My mind likes to think. Strangely enough, I'm wondering why it is that I did not do this over thinking thing during the semester. Maybe college was what I needed to stop doing this. You know, like maybe college was just the thing that help my brain think in the same level of activity that it does right now when I'm being over analytical.

I don't know. I really need to find a psych major.

Invalid Password?! What the fuck?!

I kept trying to sign on to SubProfile to change something and mess around with it, but it kept saying that I do not exist as a user. I had them e-mail me my password, and it says that the user and password I was entering was valid. So why did it keep blocking me out?

Whenever I try to view my SubProfile, it says "Error Loading Content." When I try to login to my account, it says "Invalid Username." I have been able to view my SubProfile and login to my account in the past.

Answer: This is most likely the result of a temporary server problem. Please wait 24 hours and try again. If the problem persists, please contact tech support.

Oh well, guess I'll have to wait it out.

I blame my sister for this...

Well, to add to the little gizmos that I use that I know I don't have a need for, I joined a little thing that my sister has been a member of for a while now.

SubProfile.

Basically, the idea is if you have AIM, you put this little line of code in and it will change your profile into a mini-website where you can put all kind of weird and fun stuff on there.

So, even though I'm not as popular as my sister on AIM, I decided to put one up there anyway. To get the full benefit, you need to have AIM on your computer. After that, just look me up under user DreamerZ33k.

I'm such an internet poser.

The Internet Hates Me/James Loves Me

I talked to James again last night. God, if anyone cannot think that two people cannot flirt with each other online, that IM session we had proved everyone wrong on that account! Back and forth, nothing but flirting and making plans and all that. We planed to meet with each other this summer. James researched and learned my entire culture! How ironic that he studied something that I should know like the back of my hand but don't. Kind of like how I researched religious pilgrimages when I'm not all that into religion itself. Well, at least I'm not agnostic or whatever.

Somewhere around midnight, the internet started to act up on me. It kept killing AIM. Finally, it just all out stopped working! I hated when this stuff happened before, but to happen now?! Someone must really not like me in the higher-ups. Oh well, at least it's working now.

The Fellowship of FORGET-IT

Everyone is sleeping, so I decided to do some quiet blogging.

I tried watching The Two Towers DVD special features, only to get bored after the second feature. I guess you can only sit through those things if you are a real hardcore fan of the movies and/or books.

I did notice something while watching those two features. No, it wasn't Orlando's washboard abs (although I did notice those too). It was a real friendship that made me think about what I was trying to do in high school. You know, the whole, trying to be friends with everyone I could, namely the popular people. I've already seen and can identify all my failures in that quest, but I couldn't help seeing a mirror between the cast of the Lord of the Rings movies and the type of people I would try to befriend.

Elijah Wood seems like the kind of Mr. Popular personality. The fun-loving, well-rounded, down-to-earth kind of guy that could be anyone's friend. He would be the kind that I always thought I didn't have a chance befriending, mostly because of how many friends he already has.

Orlando Bloom looked like the thrill seeker that I know I need in my life to finally live! In one feature, he took one of his fellow cast members bungee jumping, something that his friend was scared to death of. As many times I have admitted this before, I know I need someone in my life that will put me in front of my fears but yet still have my back like Orlando. He, too, looks like he knows how to have a good time and knows how to make people smile if given the chance.

I don't know, maybe I'm giving what I saw on the DVD too much credit. Yes, I know that footage is real, unedited, and all that good stuff, but still. They were pretty much stuck with each other for three years! Three years with nothing but the same people around them. And they made the best of it. They enjoyed it. The good, the bad, the pain, and the pleasure. That is why I feel a twinge of envy towards what they have.

You wouldn't understand unless you saw it through my eyes.

Real Life Winter MasterCard Ad

repairs to the water heater: $1500
Christmas present for little sister: $18.99
chances of snow sticking to the ground: 0%
having a boyfriend for Christmas: priceless

It's Official

I woke up this morning with that same feeling. You know, that feeling that you are loved by someone in the world. I didn't want to get out of bed for fear of losing that feeling, but my bladder told me otherwise.

I think I'm back in love. I know I'm back in love.

Back with James

I talked to James finally.

It turns out that the past three days he spent thinking. We talking about it, and he came to the conclusion that he felt beat up by me, and that I had some kind of chip of my shoulder that I just wouldn't let up. He wanted to give up if I couldn't let go.

It's funny, but thinking about it right now, I feel awkward talking about it. You know, about these bad moments. During the entire IM session I had with him no more than a minute ago after starting this blog entry, I felt at ease, peaceful. It was the first time since before the semester started that I felt this way. I saw all my flaws more easily, and fixed most of them on the spot after learning that they were merely habitual flaws that I shouldn't be practicing. I haven't felt this way for a long time, and it feels good to feel this way again.

The most surprising thing to learn tonight was the fact that James was in town last month! Surprisingly still was the fact that he drove by Watkins several times! Afraid that I would make a scene, he never went inside the building. Kind of a shame, though. He would have seen my Madonna and Child piece in the 2D room. I know he would like that. Besides, I think him stalking me is kind of cute in a twisted way.

This feels good. This feeling I'm feeling right now. It's a combination of love, peace, relief, and comfort. It is that kind of feeling that rivals that of the womb (provided you can remember what that feels like). I hope it stays until morning. I don't want this feeling to go away. I don't want James to go away.

A Queer Christmas

It was the same year after year. The same decorations would come out. The same music would be playing. The same mad men and women shopping for the latest and greatest gifts to give their children who have been practicing to be good all year long. The same Nativity. The same Santa Claus. The same debate over the real meaning of Christmas.

And year after year, it was the same ordeal for those out there that don't have a home, a family, or a love one. The same lonely feeling. The same wish of wanting this Christmas to be better than the last. The same need for some kind of love during the season that promises it. Unfortunately, year after year, the same thing happens. Those that wished these things over the years lose hope, and in turn lose their lives.

Still, there is one last item of Christmas that is never really talked about. During the time of love and acceptance, there is still one thing that happens year after year. At least, for one young adult.

Sitting silently in the corner of his family's home typing away on the computer, young Kit was lost in a world filled with dragons and knights and elves. All around him, color beamed and music cheerfully played. An image of Santa covered the door while a Nativity scene carefully placed in the window showed that his family knew both meanings of Christmas, the religious and the commercial. These decorations, however, did not speak for Kit. He was not like the rest of his family. It wasn't because he is still into comic books even after he turned twenty-one. It wasn't the fact that he still lives at home with his parents. It wasn't because he dressed all dark and tormented like every other kid rebelling against his or her family, a high school fashion statement that kind of stuck to him like glue, at least for the time being. It wasn't because he was the skinniest person in his immediate family. He got that trait from an uncle on his mother's side of the family. It could be due to the fact that he spends most of the time glued to the computer, but that wasn't the key characteristic that made him unlike his immediate family.

"Carry," called his mother.

"I told you," Kit snarled through this teeth. "My name is Kit. I want you to call me Kit!"

"What, like Safety Kit?" teased Samantha, his older sister.

"Shut up!"

"What's wrong with the name I gave you?" question his mother as she placed ornaments on their tree.

"It's girlie," Kit said as he continued to type some line of command into his game.

"I think Carry is an appropriate name for a little fag like you," Samantha said harshly. Kit glared at her out of the corner of his eye as if to say 'I'm going to kill you, you bitch!'

"Sam!" scolded their mother. "I will not get into this! Not during Christmas! So what if your brother is... different." Kit turned his attention back to his game. "Besides, after the new year comes in, Kit agreed to go to that mental illness counseling group at the church." Kit winced and cringed at the mention of a promise he agreed to only because it was the only way to get his mother off his back. His family, a typical, tax-paying, church-going, suburban family, never had a homosexual member in their family before. Convinced that, like his late father, Kit being gay was nothing more than something caused by the family's long line of depression, it seemed natural that the only course of action they could take is some kind of counseling. Kit knew better. Yes, he was the one to carry the family's hereditary depression, but he knew that his sexuality had nothing to do with it.

It's been several years since Kit came out to his family, and since then, every Christmas was like this. Every year, the church would hold the same counseling sessions for all the various mental illnesses, mostly for those whose New Years Resolution was to get over whatever it is that they feel won't get them into heaven and cannot afford (reads will not pay for, for some people) the doctors. Every year, Kit would drop out of the group around March or April because of how the priest would make him feel about not making any kind of "progress." Every year at his mother's company party, she would try to hook Kit up with some pretty girl praying and hoping that "this gay thing" is nothing more but a phase, that it is part of him being a "Goth rebel" as she would call it. Every year, his sister would call him out because she didn't like the fact that he gets better looking guys than she does. And every year, Kit would gather his gifts Christmas morning, not to open them, but to drop them off at Good Will. His logic? Gifts from a family that has done nothing but tease him and try to reprogram him doesn't deserve to have the pleasure of seeing him open presents Christmas morning as if he was ten again.

The holidays came and went, and like clockwork, everything that wasn't suppose to happen did. His mother tried to pair him up with a blond girl, obviously from a well-to-do family, at the company party. His sister would call him things like "Sugar Plum Fairy" and say things like "You're not allowed under the Mistletoe unless you have a girl to kiss." The day after Christmas, he went to Good Will and donated the presents. However, around this point is where the clock stopped working.

"Kit! I see you're donating your gifts again, like last year, huh?" smiled Judy. Judy always worked Good Will during the holidays when no one wanted to. She didn't have any family left, and Kit felt like he could relate to her somehow. He didn't lose all of his family during 9/11 like Judy, and to be honest, there were several days where he wishes he did. Still, he knows what it is like to be alone during the holidays. Judy was the closest thing to the sister that he always wanted.

"Yeah," Kit said as he got out of his car. "I have a few big ones." He then made his way to the trunk. "Can you help me out?" After about an hour, the two of them got all the wrapped boxes in the building. They then talked about their year, Kit complained about his family, and the usual thing they do every year.

"Hey, I have an idea," Judy said. "You know, I'm getting really tired of opening all of your presents for you." Kit was taken back by this. He was always told that Judy loved opening all his presents because it helped her feel better about working on a holiday no one works on! She also saw it as her paycheck for the day since she couldn't get paid for working on Christmas, which in itself is unheard of. "How about this year, you open your own presents?" Kit just sat there on the desk in the back room staring in shock.

"Why?"

"Well, for starters, you have two really big ones sitting over there that I bet were really expensive." She smiled that scheming smile of hers that made Kit excited. The kind of scheming smile that suggested whatever they were about to do could get them arrested. Kit was never one to take huge risks, but sometimes he just couldn't resist.

"They are probably things I don't need or something..."

"Gay?" Kit glared at Judy. "Hey, relax, I was just trying to get you to laugh." Kit smiled slightly. "Sorry. I guess you and your family still don't see eye-to-eye on your sexuality, huh?"

"Nope," Kit said staring at one of the larger boxes he brought in. "Wish they did. If they don't get it by the time I'm twenty-one, I'm going to kill those poor excuses for a fucking family." After about two seconds of silence, they both broke into laughter knowing full well that he would never get away with that kind of thing.

"So what do you say?" egged Judy. "Going to open them?"

"Do I have to?" playfully whined Kit.

"C'mon, you," she smiled.

"Alright," he smiled while rolling his eyes. Not knowing as to why he even agreed to this, Kit walked over to one of bigger presents. He stopped and turned to Judy. "I'll only open one, ok?" Judy rolled her eyes smiling in response as if to say 'Fine, be that way, silly boy.' Using one of the spikes on his wristbands to cut the tape, he opened the largest of the boxes he dropped off. After removing half of the wrapping, he discovered that his mother and sister had pooled most of their money together to give him a brand new computer.

"Whoa!" Judy gasped. "That's different!" Kit just stared at the present puzzled. "Normally, whenever you bring in something this big in, it always ends up being some king of bad joke present. You know, that kind where there is a really small present inside a really big box? Hey, Earth to Kit? You there?" Kit's smile and happy expression faded into a cold glare of anger. Judy just looked at him in confusion. "What's wrong?"

"I wanted this same computer five years ago," Kit growled. "Go figure that they would wait until this damn thing got cheaper than shit."

"But at least they got you it, right?"

"Judy, you don't get it!" Kit yelled angrily. "That was five years ago! Five fucking years! Do you know how much can change in that time?! This only proves to me that they do not know me anymore! They will never know me! They just want me to be the way I was before I came out to them! They don't want me to be now, nor do they want to know me!" Judy just stood there. She let him have his moment of ranting. She knew that he had to get things like this out, or else he really would kill his family. After all was said and done, Kit said an unneeded apology and left.

"See you next year," Judy said as she hugged him.

"You too."

The new year came, people got drunk at midnight, and the next day, while everyone was recovering from hangovers from Hell, Kit left for church to go, unwillingly, to the counseling session. Upon his arrival, he was greeted by the priest.

"I'm sorry, my child," said Father Brandon as soon as he saw Kit. "This group is only for those with mental illnesses. We just learned that homosexuality, however frowned upon by our Lord, is not a mental illness."

"You guys only figured it out only now?" Kit snidely said under his breath.

"I do pray that you repent your ways of living before you pass from this earth. Remember what happened at..." Kit didn't even let him finished. He just turned back to his car and drove home grateful that someone finally figured it out in the church. On the drive home, he actually thanked God for the first time since cursing Him and blaming Him for being gay.

Another year passed, and then the same thing happened. People began to shop, put up decorations, make wish lists, played music, and tried to have peace on earth for at least one month if not for one day. Kit found himself a new distraction, while his mother and sister put up the same decorations as last year. Everything, right down to Kit's weight of 130 pounds, seemed unchanged from last year.

"Kit?" called his mother. Kit looked up at her awkwardly from his GameBoy. 'Did she just call me correctly?' Kit thought. "Kit, can you help me? You're taller, and have a longer reach than I do." Kit paused his game and helped put the ornament in its place silently.

"Did you get all your Christmas shopping done?" asked Samantha. Kit glared at her as if to say 'Are you alluding to something, bitch?' "What?!" she replied to the look. "I was just asking a question! Sheesh!" Kit went back to his game thinking that today was just one of those rare days where things actually go right and nothing wrong could happen.

The company Christmas party came at the same time as it did last year. Expecting that his mother would try to pair him up again, Kit just stayed as close to the entrance as possible. He started to just observe people. He noticed that he was the only one not in some kind of traditional Christmas attire again this year. He overheard the same boring conversation about fishing trips, the stock market, and what everyone got their love ones after making sure they were not in ear shot. There wasn't any place to sit in the whole ballroom that was rented out where he could avoid an unwanted conversation, so he just leaned against the door like he did every year.

He felt someone tap him on his shoulder. He turned to find a young man smiling at him. He was about his height and his weight, wore a sweater that was obviously knit by a grandmother, and took Kit's breath away! A brunette with short, spiky hair, and a face fit for any modeling company. After a few long seconds of staring, Kit shook his shock off.

"I'm sorry, am I in your way?" The words came out of his mouth rather muddled. Kit was nervous.

"You look bored," smiled the young man. "Wanna bail?" Kit turned to find where the rest of his family disappeared to. His mother was busy talking to very important executives. His sister was hitting on some guy with glasses, obviously well-to-do.

"Sure, I guess." Kit became even more nervous. He didn't even know why he agreed so readily. The young man smiled and extended his hand.

"My name's Clint."

"Kit," he said shaking his hand.

"Kit, huh? You mean like that little bear from that Disney cartoon?"

"Yeah!" Kit said excitedly. "How did you know? Did you used to watch the show?"

"Still do," Clint smiled. Kit felt a smile start to form. He became even more uncomfortable and started to turn red. "Are you okay?" chuckled Clint.

"Uh, I just need some air." Kit then made his way for the exit of the hotel with Clint close behind. Once outside, they sat down on the curb used to park limos for special events. Kit turned to Clint. For some reason, every time he looked at him, Kit got nervous. Clint kept on smiling and chuckling.

"So," Kit said softly, "are you... I mean, is your family new to the company?"

"Yeah," answered Clint. "We just moved in this past summer."

"Really? Where do you live? I mean, like what street?"

"Rosewood."

"Cool, same here," Kit turned to Clint smiling, but quickly turned back as soon as he felt his face turn red again. Clint let out a big laugh this time. "What's so funny?" Kit asked, half nervous, half sounding like he wanted to start a fight.

"You," Clint chuckled.

"What about me?"

"You not being able to look at me since I tapped you on the shoulder no more than five minutes ago. It's cute." Kit's eyes widened in shock. He then slowly turned to look at Clint. He was able to look at him now without turning red or getting nervous.

"Did you just say what I thought you said?" he asked puzzled.

"I'm sorry if that offended you," Clint apologized, still smiling. "It's just, your mom was talking to my dad about you, and she said you were gay, so I just thought I'd..."

"Wait a second," Kit interrupted. "My mother said I'm gay?"

"Yup," Clint nodded. "I was there. That's when she pointed you out suggesting that I introduce myself to you."

"She did that?!" Kit said shocked.

"Yeah."

"That's not like her. She normally tries to introduce me to some girl. She's not the most accepting mother in the world, you know."

"At least she isn't like my mom," Clint said as his smile disappeared. "When I came out, she walked out. She couldn't handle having a gay son. She wouldn't even pay child support for me after she left. We eventually got her in the courts, but still. You're lucky you have a mom that at least tries to understand you."

After that, they just sat there silently, first looking at each other, then at the stars as if searching for an answer to an unasked question.

"There you are!" said a voice. They turned around to find Kit's mother and sister standing near the door with Clint's father. "Oh," said Kit's mother pleasantly, "I see you found each other alright." Kit and Clint exchanged glances and smiled. "Well? Go on! Exchange numbers or e-mail addresses or something!" Clint's father then pulled her aside giving her advice as to how to deal with raising a gay son. Kit and Clint just chuckled.

Christmas came and went, and out of habit, Kit brought wrapped presents to Good Will. Just like always, Judy was there waiting for him after church.

"Merry Christmas," Kit said as he hugged Judy.

"Well," she smiled, "this is new. What's up? Going to donate your presents again?"

"Nope," Kit smiled. Judy smiled back.

"You know, it's bad luck to lie on Christmas day. You're jynxing yourself." She then pointed to the boxes in the back seat of his car. "If those aren't your presents, then what are they?"

"Yours," he smiled as he pulled them out of the car. Judy looked at the presents all over as if inspecting it for impurities.

"You have a lot of explaining to do, mister," she smiled as they walked into the back room. Kit then went into an elaborate story about the Christmas party where he met Clint thanks to his mother. He explained that single action was enough for him to break down the wall of defense that he put up those many years ago. His sister didn't tease him; his mother didn't try to reprogram him. Everything was just like how Kit wanted it to be for so many years.

"It was the best Christmas gift that anyone could give me!" Kit said almost swooning.

"Speaking of your gifts, what happened to them?" Judy smiled.

"Guess." Kit smiled back.

"You didn't, did you?" Kit nodded like a ten-year-old boy. "You're kidding me! Mr. Hum-Bug actually opened his own Christmas presents and kept them?! This is fucking unbelievable!"

"Believe it!"

"But, why? What changed?"

"All I ever wanted was to be accepted by my own family," Kit explained. "What my mom did for me at that party proves that I finally am accepted by her. Even my sister has stopped making fun of me! The least I could do is give them the pleasure of opening my presents in front of them as if I was ten again." Judy and Kit both exchanged warm smiles with each other. Judy then hugged Kit as tears ran down her face.

"I'm happy you got your Christmas wish finally."

"That reminds me," he said pulling away. "You need to open your gifts." Kit then handed her the box she inspected earlier. She tore open the wrapping and opened the box to find only a piece of paper inside. She looked at Kit in a way that said 'Ha, ha, ha, very funny, jackass.' She picked up the paper and began to read it. She then looked up at Kit with tears in her eyes. "It's not much, I know, but I think it was long overdue."

"Thank you," she said hugging him harder than ever before. She then started crying in his arms as she let Kit's thank you letter drop to the floor. He signed it "Your brother." Judy had her family back, and she couldn't ask for a better brother than Kit.

The hug lasted what seemed to be an eternity. When Judy finally let go, Kit noticed the wall clock.

"Oh shit!" He confirmed the time on his wrist watch. "Fuck! I'm going to be late! Sorry, I have to go."

"Dinner date with Clint?" Judy asked as she wiped away her tears smiling.

"How did you know?" Kit asked.

"You never dress up like you are today."

"You know me too well," Kit smiled.

"So, are you going to spend New Years with him too?" Judy smiled.

"You know it!" Kit's smile got bigger.

"Gonna kiss him at midnight?" she winked.

"Gonna do more than that." Kit grinned a Grinch-like grin.

"You're so getting coal next year," Judy laughed.

This original short story was written by

(Late) Morning Thoughts

Sitting here this morning in this near-empty house with the gift for Jessica looming over me like some kind of guilt badge, two things are on my mind.

First and most important is James. It has been three days, and still no word from him. Not even an e-mail! I know he said that he is going to try really hard, but this is coming off as him not trying at all. I know he also said that he would take things slowly, but I learned from Andrew that if you take things slow, what you want will go away fast. There is a certain kind of slow pace that needs to be taken when you are "taking things slowly." Three days of no contact what-so-ever doesn't come off as taking it slowly.

I don't know, I'm worried that since Monday night's teaching lesson I shorted his brain to the point where he thinks this is too hard for him. No one said life would be easy. If he is really serious about this (which I'm starting to doubt now), then he has got to do what he does in the kick boxing ring and just roll with the punches.

The other thing that is bothering me today is that I seem to have developed an addiction to porn. Yes, I know I'm a pervert, but you can ask anyone that has met me and knows me, and they will say that I know when and when not to let that side out of me. Still, this has come up in my mind before, probably even in this blog! I know that this kind of thing, like sex, is good in moderation, but I think my viewing porn is overcompensating for the fact that I cannot get laid! If I could get away with it, I'd hire one of these escorts (At least, the ones that are cute. The ones that I've seen advertised online aren't all that attractive. Then again, what whore is?), but I know I could never get away with it let alone have the cash for it. Even if I was different and had a job and all that good stuff, I still wouldn't be able to get away with it. This whole "sexual repression" or whatever it is called is getting on my nerves. Masturbation doesn't help either, mostly because it all is starting to feel the same to me again, similar to how I stopped using that dildo Dan gave me.

I don't know. I should be like any other gay twenty-year-old and out there clubbing and getting hit up in the back room while some techno bass echoes through the hall. I should be out there fucking anything that is male and moves! At the very least, I should be fucking a really good friend (AKA Fuck Friend, Bed Buddie, Comrade in Cum), but I don't even have a friend with that kind of benefit. Then again, who would be lucky enough to even find one that sick and twisted is beyond me.

I hate being so messed up with so many issues and having no where to go by this blog to get them out in some kind of therapeutic manner.

"You got me a CD..."

The package came just a little after 16:00. At about 18:00, I decided to wrap it. While the wrapping is better than what I normally am capable of doing, it was missing one thing. A bow. So, I decided to run up to my aunt and try to find a bow that would help match the wrapping. In the process, my sister found me holding "something" as I was going up the stairs. On my way back to my room, she started yelling at me saying "What do you got!? What do you got?!" I said I had nothing, but she called me on it. I'm such a bad liar. That's just one of the many flaws that come out with me around this time of year. Not only can I not figure out what to get people, but once I do, I cannot seem to hide them effectively. I figured after labeling that I might as well just set it out. That's when my sister looked at what I was holding. I told her that this was the gift that I "made" for her. She immediately figured out it was a CD.

Feeling bad, I had this feeling that mom is going to kill me when she gets home for putting out the gift a week in advance. On top of that, Jessica figured out what I got her! Well, almost. She still doesn't know what it is.

The only comfort I have is what Brian said on IMs. It isn't that hard to figure out what a CD looks like wrapped these days. She was going to figure it out sooner or later.

"We Three Girls"

This is so cute.

Waiting for a Package to Come

Today, I have a special duty!

I have to wait here for a certain package for a certain someone for a certain day that you can only get off a certain web site because a certain store (which will remain nameless) refuses to carry this certain item. The thing is, this certain person only has to stay at a certain place for half of the day, so hopefully this certain someone will go to another certain place while I do something to this certain item before this certain somebody gets home.

I love being vague about details.

Next time, don't tell me.

You know, there are some things about my mother that I really wish she would know better than to tell me to my face.

After dinner, she told me in her round-about kind of way that I am fat. She didn't directly say that I'm fat. No, she first asked if I work out still using DDR. When I told her that I don't, she recommended that I should.

Okay, for all you parents out there that are reading this, I have one question to ask you. Do you tell your kids that they are fat?

I'm expecting a unanimous NO!

Come on, people! It is one thing to have strangers tell you that you are fat, and maybe a few friends can get away with telling you, but your own parents?! The very people that gave life to you!? The ones that are suppose to love you no matter what?! No parent should ever say, either directly or indirectly, that their child is fat, especially in the way that my mother did tonight!

Gray Day

Today is definitely a good day to just veg, sleep in, and take things so slow a snail can outrun you. Yes, the sky is gray, there is light rain hitting the roof, the amount of light filtering through is just right to put you easily to sleep. It is this kind of winter weather that makes me believe that every day it is like this during break is a good day. A really good, relaxing day.

Hopefully, nothing will spoil it, but I know that's not going to be the case.

Framing Notes

Boy, that was a quick wait. My drawing teacher came in rather fast, so I didn't have to wait long. I ended up helping her bring in everyone else's portfolio. Afterwards, I asked her for some framing advice. This is what she had to say:

For the drawings, keep to a cheap and simple wood frame. Helps bring out the drawing and lines. Best kind are ones without any kind of beveling. Staining is okay provided cut is simple.

For Madonna and Child piece from 2D, float drawing on a matte. Use a think frame. Two inches at the most. Should look a little like a shadow box. Do not cut windows in matte board. Float all eight pieces on one frame.

Boy, this is going to be expensive!

The Waiting Game

Believe it or not, I'm back at Watkins waiting on my Drawing 1 teacher to come by and drop off my four matted drawings so I can pick them up to frame them later. Yes, I know, I should be able to drive by now, but I don't. This means that not only do I have to wait 15 minutes more before she gets here, I have to wait until about 13:30 before my mom gets here from her ESL thing. Yes, that means I'll be here for a while. I kind of wish I had something here to entertain myself with, but frankly, I got nothing. I knew I should have brought my GBA SP with me even if the only game I have on there is Yu-Gi-Oh: WorldWide Edition.

Helping James

I talked to James again. Well, talk really isn't the word I would use right now. More like tried to teach him. He's not the fastest of learners, and I really hate seeing him beat himself up over little things that he will get in time. I mean, hell, it took me longer to learn some of the things I should have learned now! This isn't a bad thing, him not learning as fast as he thinks he should. The lessons I was trying to teach him were nothing more by life lessons that I've just learned myself.

He'll get it. I'm confident he will. No reason why he wouldn't, you know? He is trying really hard to make this work out, and for that reason alone I believe that he will be able to learn all that I have just fine. I know he will.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we got him."

Saddam Captured by US Troops

U.S. troops captured Saddam Hussein hiding in a hole near his home town of Tikrit in a major coup for Washington's beleaguered occupation force in Iraq.

Grubby and bearded the 66-year-old dictator was dug out by troops from a cramped hiding pit during a raid on a farm in Ad-Dawr village late Saturday, the jubilant U.S. commander in Iraq Ricardo Sanchez said Sunday.

Gunfire crackled out in celebration across the country as Iraqis greeted a U.S. military video showing their once feared leader, disheveled and sporting a bushy black and gray beard, undergoing a medical examination after seven months on the run.

Looks like Bush got an early Christmas present. Maybe now the rest of American can get theirs, namely getting every one of the surviving troops sent home.

People-watching

People-watching was never really a hobby of mine. It was just something I did whenever I couldn't do anything else. Frankly, the way people behave fascinates me. It is just the way they interact with their surroundings and the people within and around. Granted, I do not wish to formally figure out what it is that makes humans behave the way we do. I just like observing.

While we were at OpryMills, I did my usual skipping off to Jillian's to play DDR. After about four games, I ended up becoming broke and reverted to being a people-watcher. I usually hang around the arcade area watching everyone just play their games and what have you, but there were too many kids around, and things got predictable. Then I found my new favorite spot, provided they are operating. The Hibachi Grills! It's fun to watch how people are so nervous when they first sit down only to loosen up after the cooks come out and do their things. Twirling their tools and cracking jokes. Dancing and showing off their culinary show skills. I wish I could have stayed longer.

Mom said that is where I'm going to have my twenty-first birthday party. I took it as a grain of salt.

T'is the Season to be Fighting

My mother and I have an odd way of arguing with each other when yelling won't suffice.

The printer printed a page and started to make a funny sound. I turned and found that it was just the rollers that feed the paper against a page in the tray. Nothing really all that damaging, and nothing that would cause the printer to jam. Mom, on the other hand, panicked and "fixed" it. For not doing anything, she stepped on my foot on her way out. I then took over the computer in the middle of her research when she was putting in some CDs into the CD player. Right now, she is blaring Sting as loud as I play my music in my room with the surround sound system. Keep in mind that all we have is a small stereo down here, but it packs a booming bass. Also, probably to calm herself down so she doesn't kill me, she's cleaning the living room.

So much for the whole "Christmas season is all about family" state of mind.

Smiling on One Side of My Face

I talked to James tonight on IMs for the first time since before the fall semester. He was nervous as I have never seen him before. He was scared that he was going to mess things up with me, practically to death and back. If I was there with him, I bet that would make it worst. He would probably be as white as a sheet.

In any event, it appears that over the last four months James has undergone a complete change. He no longer drinks; he stopped staying up until insane hours of the night (much like I am right now); he works out more; he studies more. Even his kick boxing win-loss record has improved! (His record is 8 - 2 if you are wondering.) He pretty much promised me that I would like the new James.

The only thing that I didn't like about tonight is that our IMs felt short. If my clock is right, they only lasted about half an hour. Like he told me, around now is late for him, so he got off to go to bed. Kind of makes me wish I wasn't such a night owl by nature, you know?

I'll keep you guys (all three of you) informed as more develops.

MEW!

Why didn't I find this glitch out sooner? Now I have to delete all that data from Pokemon Red just to do this if I want to do this!

Had a feeling this would happen.

Last night as I was trying to be a porn pirate (which pretty much failed), Kevin IMed me out of the blue. We exchanged pleasentries and that was about it. Nothing too in depth as far as a conversation goes.

Ever since then, I've had this feeling that one or all of the guys were going to pop up and/or e-mail me.

Sure enough, one of them did. James.

Hey
What's up?
Getting ready for Christmas I was thinking about you. I know we have a mutual no contact policy but I don't care. You might cause I'm invading your space. I hope you don't for all I know this might not be an in correct mail Addy.any more it's been so long.

Jon disregard this if you don't want to hear from me. I Always thought I was above them I got dragged into it. Shit I'm sorry for looking back..... for what it's worth to me your very cool sweet regardless of what happened.


Merry Christmas

Always'

James

Something tells me he was nervous while typing this. Look at all the misspellings, grammar mistakes, and typos. He's normally perfect when he types, at least when he's sober.

I don't know. This e-mail did put a smile on my face, and I did e-mail him back despite the "no contact" thing that is up. I figured I owed him that much in some respect, you know? He probably used this blog to get in contact with me since I got the e-mail at my Hotmail account instead of my private address that everyone that knows me knows. If not, he has a better memory than what I remember him having before.

I guess it is because of the holiday season, but I gave him that second chance he wanted back when Leo contacted me eight weeks into the semester.

I wonder if he will read the blog I put in about how all these songs keep reminding me of him. I wonder what he would think about that. Then again, I fear that I may end up hurting him with a more recent blog of mine that I had to get out of my system before I did so in person... should the event occur, that is.

God, why am I like this again? I wasn't like this when I was typing him back the reply e-mail. I wasn't this... concern and curious. If anything, I was just being a friend and doing the right thing.

All of a sudden I'm starting to feel like the next few weeks or so will cause a lot of drama if things happen too fast. It's a good thing I told James to just take it slow and to get to know me again. Deep down, I don't want to mess this up, but I have this sickening feeling I will one way or another and somehow it will be my fault... or at least, I'll feel like it will be my fault.

I blame Zero for this...

Okay, so I'm reading up on Zero's blog, when I see that there is this cute little GIF picture that shows the current weather where she lives. I thought I'd be a snoop and find out what it does, what kind of options they have, and all that good stuff.

With that, I was snared into a trap and now I have my own WeatherPixie.

The silly thing is, I even named him.

I'm such a poser. It sickens me... well, almost.

Celebration Time!

I am done! This is it for me! Right now, I am in the library just feeling really nice and relaxed for once since the term began! I am living it! Back on Cloud Nine! For the next four weeks I do not have to do anything! No school work; no job; absolutely nothing!

Satan, get ready! This little gay sloth is coming back to town!

Damn Finger

I got a splinter yesterday while I was measuring out my windows for my matte board. Hey, it's better than getting cut by a razor blade. In any event, this damn small wound is annoying me. It doesn't really hurt, it just feels like a bee sting that has been trapped in time as far as the nervous system goes. You know, that infinite stinging sensation that just will not go away?

Good thing today is the last day of classes. I hope I don't have to do some kind of bullshit drawing or writing today. I just want to get in, get out, and go home today. Then it is back to being a porn pirate staying up until insane hours of the night! Yeah buddy!

Fun Day

Maybe it was the apple cider. Maybe it was the sugar of the candy. Maybe it was because we were treated for a free lunch at school. Maybe it was the lack of people in such a large space.

I don't know what it was today, but it felt different and more enjoyable.

I didn't mind doing my work. I didn't feel like I was doing some kind of chore. I felt like I was doing something rather fun. I felt as if I was doing something I could do for a living. I haven't felt like this since before I could remember! You could say that I rekindled that purpose and knowing heart and soul that I want to be an artist today. I was able to work for hours on end, something that I rarely do. And I didn't mind doing so at all. I did not care. Working the way I was just felt so good and so perfect. I'm afraid that since I have stopped working that I've gone lazy again.

Maybe it is the environment. Maybe it is because of the food. Maybe it is because there is a bed here that I can go to.

Viral Infection and Jason Infatuation

First off, while I'm able to use the library computer, let me tell you about the virus scan that I need to do when I get home.

Last night, my sister was on AIM looking up her friends profiles. One of them has this message saying that they found a funny picture of her online with a link. The link turned out to be a virus. This was told to us by my sister's boyfriend. He had a friend that had the exact same thing happen to him.

As a result, I had to go into IT mode and fix everything as best I could. My sister cried thinking that she broke the $800 machine, but I kept trying to tell her that she didn't break it yet. In fact, I don't know what the virus may do to the system if anything!

After getting a trial version of Norton, we let it run overnight. In the morning, I checked on it and found out that there were at least 10 viruses. Those that could be deleted were, while I had to manually delete the Trojan virus that was put onto the machine. To make sure that Norton got everything (since this was a free trial only and not the full version), I was running a scan off of the Trend Micro's site that TechTV e-mailed me about in their TechLIVE Newsletter. (See? It pays to watch the tech news.) I got about half way done when I had to leave for school. I didn't want anyone using the computer until I was 100% sure the thing was gone. Knowing how my mom surfs the web, something like this could happen again. I mean, she is responsible for about 95% of the spyware that gets put on the machine that AdAware has to remove.

Today, however, I learned that I need to come in tomorrow with my matte and foam board to recut the ones I did. First off, however, I'm making measurements so I can have the viewing plain I want. Thank God, I have the 2D teacher I have. I know I complained and bitched about her before, but she knows her stuff. She's a big help in times like these.

So, my Jason infatuation. Well, today was his day to present his creative process. I decided to watch him present. He presented a book, a children's book, that doesn't have the prince and princess getting together in the end living all happily-ever-after. His reason is because in this day and age, that stuff never happens. In fact, now a days, it is better to be single than to be married or even dating! That got me thinking about this stupid crush of mine. I figured, why not? I don't mind being single. Hell, for all I know being with someone is probably the most foolish thing I have ever thought of in my life!! I mean, come on! You have to deal with that person and if he isn't perfect by your standards or there is just one thing that comes up that really annoys you, well...

I think now is as good a time as any to just stop while I'm still in one piece. I need to stop drooling over guys and start concentrating on other things...

Like my damn pattern and matte boards I need to cut.

Note to Self

Scan system for viruses as soon as you get home. Use bold link in side bar.

More details for general public after scan.

Totally Bombed

Well, I can say this with confidence. I bombed my Art History final exam. Yes, I know it for a fact before it was even graded. My entire grade for that class hinges on the grade for my notebook, my final project, and my paper (which, I am please to say, got a 100%. She wants a copy for herself so she can teach future classes. That's two teachers that want to use what I have done as teaching materials!).

In any event, it is done. The end. No more until next semester when I live the worst mistake of my life. Yes, I have three studio classes all in one semester. Not a bad thing? Yes, it is when you think about the fact that each studio class requires a final project that should have taken you a total of at least three weeks to do, and must show that much effort put into it as well.

I need to get over to some art store where I can find and buy the foam board and matte board needed for my damn drawing final. I really wish she would have told us all this in advance. I mean, had I but known, I would have gotten all this sooner and not be so stress about it because of everything else I have to do on top of this matting thing! After that, I need to get over to Kinko's and get them cut into the dimensions I want.

I am convinced that this is the only way I will ever function in the real world. That is, I am convinced that the only way I will ever make it is if I am a professional student, a student who gets paid for going to school and evaluating the courses for a job. This kind of direction and being directed is the only thing that makes me feel like I actually have some kind of, for lack of a reason, purpose in life. Yes, I know that my real calling is to be an artist, but I do need a side job. Maybe I'm just being too hopeful and too hard on myself again. Bitching and complaining and all that fun stuff that makes me look like a whinny little brat. Hey, it is either that or hold it in to where the emotions and pent up anger will cause some kind of social backlash with the mass murder of everyone that ever angered me in my life causing me to become a serial killer.

Ten Minute Blog

I'm on break, so I'll make this quick.

I found myself complaining during 2D about how I do not have a job and how I cannot get one even during the Christmas season. I then silently found myself scolding myself for being such a liar.

The reason I do not have a job is because I choose not to! The reason I complain about not having one is to make myself look normal! The reason that I praise not having a job is so I can relate to those that complain about having one!

And this is only the tip of the iceberg.

I have come to the realization that I really do need to get with the damn program, but my confidence level is so low right now, I can't even look at a job application without feeling like I do not have what it takes to even be considered for the job I am applying for! I am afraid of rejection. That is why I cannot apply for a job. That is why I refuse to look for one. That is probably why I am also afraid to find a boyfriend now. I've been rejected, and I fear that feeling of just thinking that you are nothing more than nothing of what people think of you, that you are not what people think you should be.

Self-confidence issues, fear of rejection, warped mind. I'm so messed in the head that I don't know what to do with myself! God knows what will happen if I have to be put out into this world alone with no one to fall back on by my own ass.

Do I have to?

It was so hard to get out of bed this morning. Every time I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock, it would feel like the buzzer would just start back up moments later! Odder still is the fact that I missed the first alarm, which means the damn thing was going off for nine minutes straight before I hit the snooze button for the first time.

While I was getting dressed for the day, I kept thinking and worrying about that damn Art History test I have today. I don't remember if I studied for the last one. If I did, I know that it didn't help me out one bit. I mean, I got a 70 on the last test at mid-term.

Today is going to suck real bad.

One Hour Later

This sucks. I'm going to fail, and I know it. Why? Because something is bothering me so much to the point where I'm depressed again!

What could it possibly this time that has got me so depressed?

I don't know. I have a pretty good idea that it involves "you know who." The damn scar is being reopened again causing me to bleed emotionally. If it is not that, maybe it is because I am still stressed that finals are not over. If it is not that, then maybe it is the time of year. I mean, everyone is so happy and getting into the Christmas spirit (for the most part), and I'm just... well, not really caring. I'm just all bitchy right now. I can't interact with anyone that doesn't have patients with me (i.e. my parents). I'm back to the state where all I want to do is curl up in my room, go to sleep, and never wake up. I don't really care anymore what happens to me, but at the same time I do not want to die some ugly, lonely death.

I'm convinced that no one understands this mood I'm in. The only one that comes close is probably my sister, who has more sympathy rather than empathy towards me if anything. Still, she is the only little star in this dark sky of depression. For that I'm forever thankful. I don't know what I would do without her. I'd probably sink even faster into that black hole everyone like me goes. You know, drop out of college for some stupid reason (probably something economical) or some shit like that.

I should drop out of college. I mean, seriously. I cannot afford this. My family cannot afford this. We have grants, yes, and all that good stuff going for me come next fall semester, but I'm starting to doubt that this will get me anywhere. I'm studying to be an artist, the poorest profession in the world next to a beggar! I won't make a profit until I'm dead!

I think I'm making too many excuses for my own short-comings.

I hate the way I am. I keep comparing myself to the people around me. I keep thinking that I'm never up to snuff to everyone I see. I believe that I am no where near where I should be for my age. I'm not normal, and I know it, and it bothers me. I am just way to critical on myself, on how I look, how I act, what I can and cannot do. I am my own worst enemy! And I cannot get rid of that side of me, because that is me!

This depression is going to carry over to tomorrow and just make a really bad case of "The Mondays" for me if nothing can lift it by the time I go to sleep.

Well, that was useless.

Remembering that I have that major Art History final, I popped in the CD-ROM that came with the book. It had some sample tests on it, so I decided to take a shot at those. They are actually harder than the ones I remember having to answer during mid-term! Hell, after two of the tests, I realized that the questions they were asking were not on any of the subject matter that I need to study on!

Why do I always do this to myself? Now I have to spend the rest of the night cramming!

You're not doing a good job being a college student, Jon. Definitely not.

I cannot seem to work.

I know I need to finish this drawing, but it isn't due until Thursday. I know I need to study for a test that I'm probably going to fail. I know I need to matte three drawings of mine without going to a professional.

But I cannot bring myself to work today.

The drawing. Something about it is just sapping all my creative energy out of it like a leech. But why? Is it because I subconsciously drew Andrew into the picture? Is it because the picture is of a funeral? Is it because I'm sick and tired of drawing full body figures now after doing it for so long? Maybe it is stress, but I don't ever remember stress causing me to not want to work this strong before. Maybe it is something else that I cannot figure out right away.

All I know is that I do not want to do any of my assignments.

I don't know what I want to do.

The Austin Gordon Obsession Strikes Again!

I honestly didn't think I would find free clips of Austin on Lauderdale Strip, and I was right. I did find, however, something interesting if I ever get a gift card I can use online. I found a site that links up to all four of the sex scenes from Lauderdale Strip, in particular the two that involve Austin. Not just clips, mind you, but the entire scene! Talk about major score.

Now if only I had the $20 needed to subscribe for 30 days. Still, the pirate in me wishes there was some way I could hack into the site just to download and watch Austin getting fucked by Tiger Ray for 10 minutes and Austin getting fucked by Pauly for 15 minutes.

Still, I wish I had the ability to order the damn video. Too bad I can't because for some bizarre reason every gay porn store I find online says it is illegal to ship gay porn to Tennessee due to some community moral law. Damn Bible thumpers.

Dialogue of Anger

What are you doing here?

I came here to see you.

Why? You don't care about me!

I heard that you became a big success. Way to go.

Don't start. Just don't even try.

What do you mean?

You're being nice to me. Don't! You never were nice to me!

Come on, that's not true. I've been nice to you before.

Yeah, well, compared to what else you did to me? Come off it! All you ever did was treat me like a piece of meat. Disposable! I was nothing to you because I had nothing. Now you want to come back to me because I'm something that you couldn't see in me before. How low can you get? Huh? I mean, really, are people only people to you when they have a six figure bank account?

Where is all this coming from?

This is all because of you! You made me this way! You made me what I am! It is all your fault that I think the only thing that matters in a relationship is sex and how well you perform in bed! It is because of you that I am convinced that I will never fit in in this world! It is because of you that I will never be able to forget what it is I had and what it was I lost! Every-fucking-day it sits there, mocking me. That scar you put on my mind.

But...

Shut up! Just shut up! I've heard enough from you! I don't want to hear any more! I left because I knew that you would never understand me! I left because I knew that our two worlds never would have seen eye to eye. I should have left sooner. I should have left all of you a long time ago. But no. Do you know why I stuck around?

Because you wanted to get with us, right?

No! God, I can't believe you still think that I am that shallow! What is the deal with you? This only proves that you do not and will not every know me! I stuck around because I thought that just maybe, just maybe, I could do the impossible and actually be able to break the stereotypes that you and everyone else in this damn world, including myself, have established! I was hoping to change the way that people like you thought of people like me. But what would you understand? You couldn't even understand me and why I act the way I do. All you ever did was just blame me for your own insecurities, your own faults, and your own... ignorance. That's all you ever did to me. And then what do you try and do? You try to take it all back by ripping a page out of my book, saying your sorry because that's the only thing you know how to do, the only thing you can do whenever you screw up! Well, listen up, and listen good, fucker! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! What you did to me just proves that you are nothing more but a snob! A snot! A compete and utter piece of trash! Compared to you, yeah, on the face of it you are better than me, but you know something? I'm better than you will ever be. I will always be better. I don't treat people like they are expendable. I do not treat people like they are not even people. I give them second chances, third chances, one hundred chances!! I give and I endure, and that makes me better than you will ever be!

Now, just wait a damn minute...

I thought I told you to shut the fuck up! That's all you ever do! You always interrupt me! You always try and make me the bad guy! You always make me feel stupid! The only reason you succeed is because I actually listen to you. Now you listen to me for once! What I'm saying is all true! Go ahead and deny it! Go ahead and twist the truth so that you can come out on top! Go on! You're good at that! Just go right ahead! Twist every single damn word that I have spat out at you, you little fucker! If you want to sue me, I invite it! Go right a-damn-head! That's how you solve all your problems, isn't it? That's how you handle anything and everything that irks you, right?

At least I don't run away from my problems!

What the fuck do you know about not running away? That's all you ever do!

But you left us!

And I should have left you a long time ago! You're nothing to me anymore! You're just some shallow, greedy, know-it-all that doesn't know shit from crap!

At least you finally grew some balls...

That's another thing. You kept calling me a pussy. Well, I said this to you once, and I'll say it again. I rather be a pussy than a dick like yourself.

Now that's uncalled for.

You don't even know the meaning of the phrase. Now get out of my sight. I don't want to see you ever again. I don't want to even remember you. If you died tomorrow, I'd piss on your grave. I have no love lost for you. Know why? Because I know how you really are. I know the truth now. I should have seen it sooner. It took me this damn long to see it, and for that I can only blame myself. And to think I thought so highly of you. Now, I won't ask you again. Get out!

What do a talking fish, a stylized ram, and a stripper have in common?

After my usual morning routine, no one was in the house, so I decided to see if there was any kind of interesting porn that I could download off of KaZaA. Yes, I know that 08:00 is a bit early to be looking for porn, but, like what my dad says whenever he sees a sign advertising Happy Hour, it's always midnight somewhere. That's when all the perverts like me come out. Anyway, I did find something. There's a link to it on the side bar. Surprisingly, it's a straight site, but nonetheless, it has something I thought didn't exist. Strippers you can actually touch and make out with! Oh, if only I was female.

Anyway, I started work on my final 2D assignment, mostly because it is the easiest to get out of the way. We are doing patterns, and the next-to-last step I need to do is figure out a color scheme that works. I've taken the option of limiting myself to only six colors: red, yellow, green, blue, purple, and black. The paper is already white, so if you count that, the total comes out to be seven. While doing this assignment, let's just say I now have a greater appreciation for people that make wall paper and gift wrapping paper.

So, talking fish. Don't know what they have to do with this blog yet? Well, if you need to know, I was running Finding Nemo while I was doing my 2D assignment.

And now you know.

I want a muscle boy!

My dad notified me of a martial arts program on the Discovery channel. Points for knowing I like martial arts go to him. I tried to watch it against my better judgment. Yeah, you guessed it. Those cute and ripped muscle fighters made it difficult to watch the program without thinking really bad and slutty thoughts.

I have a thing for really ripped cute boys. So sue me already.

Everyone Hates Me

Today, I feel really hated.

While Christina, Ken, and Jaime were talking before class, I felt as if I was an intruder rather than an acquaintance. I kept debating on if I should stay or leave. Finally, I left to stalk Jason. Couldn't find him until Creativity started. I didn't have to attend today, so I didn't. I had to take care of some finacial stuff with mom over in the business office. Never got a chance to do it since the business officer was out.

Just now, I'm convinced that Nelly, our bird, hates me. I try to get it to perch on my finger, but he just moves away. He won't even fly to my head anymore like he used to. Whenever I open his cage, he just flies away, like always. When I try to retrieve him, he just won't even come close to me. He stares at my finger and opens his beak like he is about to attack.

I wonder if cats are more loyal and sympathetic to their owner's feelings.

Random Rant

I do not know what it is about this time of year that just makes me sick. There is just something about this time of year that make me want to just blow up every single department store. Half out of the fact that I cannot get what I want, and half because I am anti-consumerism. Yes, I know that is a big contradiction, but what the hell do I know? I'm half tired right now, and don't really care what I say. I want to go to sleep, forget that I have so much damn work that I need to do, and just veg. If I had a Playstation2, maybe I'd play some video games or watch a DVD. I just want to be lazy and secure myself a slot somewhere in Hell. I forgot which circle the people that commit sloth go, but it can't be as bad as where people that have committed the act of sodomy. They get sent to a place where devils shove burning hot irons up their asses.

Yes, it is the sleep talking right now. Yes, it is the fact that I had another fucking dream about someone's death. Yes, it is the fact that I found someone else's NeoPet account still logged on in this computer I am on, from which I signed out of. And yes, I'm sick and tired of all this work, this school, this chore called life. If anything, I would rather be a home doing what I used to do before I came to college. I want to be dreaming good dreams. I want to know what it is like to be able to talk to someone that will listen. I want to be myself. But I know that I am better off than where I was six months ago. I know that I am better off than where I was last week. I know that I am a better person than they will ever be. Sure, I do not have their influence, their cash, their power, and, above all else, their big dicks, but I am better than they are in the fact that I knew when I did something wrong and was able to admit it. I took blame for things that I know I was at fault for. They were the ones that took my pride away. They were the ones that made me feel like shit. They were the ones that could never admit that they were wrong, and will never do so. I am better than they will ever be because I know my mistakes, and the biggest one I have ever made was getting to know them. The biggest mistake I cannot deny is the fact that I fell in love with a jerk... and then that jerk's cousin! My hopes and dreams came rushing like a flood, and in that flood, I lost all reality and all common sense. I can see that now. I know now that I should have never even bother to try to get to know them. I know now that I should have just left them the moment they told me who they really were. So they trusted me. So what? I trusted them, and what I ever get? I got $200 "stolen" from me from my savings account. I lost my virginity. I lost all sense of purpose. The only thing that can bring any of that back is if I get rid of them, and I have. They are nothing more but a painful memory I rather not talk about, but cannot help but do so.

Does any of this make sense to you? Does any of this even matter? Here I am, tired, sleepy, angry, lazy, and, quite frankly, just really annoyed with myself that I couldn't come to these realizations sooner. Here I am wondering who will read this, if they will even bother to use the Critique option, and if I'll ever be rid of whatever it is that makes me ill around this time of year and around Valentine's day. What is it about the emotion of love and togetherness that makes me feel cheated? Is it because when I thought I was in love I was just being lead around like the puppy I am? Is it because I don't know what love is and will never know now after what I have been though? And why the fuck am I remembering all this now? Why am I typing about this with so much force and anger? What is it about me that draws me to the dangerous and the forbidden so easily? Why can I not be a normal gay twenty year old that goes out? Why can I not measure up to all the artistic standards set before me? Why do I even care about what people think? What is it about me and this damn co-dependent nature that I have developed? Why can I not get rid of it? Why can I not just be an independent soul and do as everyone does? Why am I attracted more to straight guys instead of the gay ones I see? What is the deal with me and my skater fetish? Why do I like to watch erotic wrestling? What is the deal with me and always downloading porn off KaZaA? Why do I even ask so many questions about myself and about things that I should know already?

What's the point anymore? I don't understand myself. I doubt anyone does. I'll never find that boyfriend that I want. That beautiful blonde muse whose muscles cause my creativity to spark. That Adonis that holds me just right so that I can go to sleep comfortably in his arms. That angel that has nothing against me and does everything for me. I know I'll never find that person. I lost that person a long time ago when I turned my back and finally said "NO" to them after enduring their shit for those five long years.

I hate being this way. I hate being this greedy. I hate the way I type these blogs. I hate everything lately. My art, society, life in general. Sometimes I want to destroy it all, but I know I cannot. I wish nothing existed. I wish I never existed.

God, I'm moody.