What's best for me? Is there really something out there here for me that I may actually end up liking? Anywhere I go, the scenario is still going to be the same, so what choice do I have? Learn the hard way from experiance, or learn the easy way little by little. I no longer believe I'll meet the boys. At least not immediately. I have throw out all my hopes and dreams and idiotic ideals and face the reality.

All I'll ever do in life is work. I'm lucky enough to blog right now. Hell, I'm lucky enough to have an internet connection! The said matter is, I'm going to have to work. Day in; day out. Get home and eat whatever, if I'm not too worn out. I won't have time to go online and blog. I won't have time to go to NeoPets. I won't have time to play RuneScape. I probibly won't have time to check my e-mail (Oh god, more "You're using up all your free space! Pop out $20 or you won't get mail" shit...)!

Maybe my dad was right when he was talking to Dan. Maybe I do have it better here. I wouldn't know. It doesn't feel like I do. Yeah, I have this big ass stereo, but it's not mine. I have one of the biggest rooms in the house all to myself, but it really acts like second storage. Do I really have it better off here? I don't think so. I lack one thing. I lack that socializing factor I had at Dan's. I don't have that here.

When I was at Dan's, I felt that my opinion and what I said had some weight. Here, if I don't let my sister talk, I'm sent on a guilt trip because I wanted to speak. I am seen as the stupidly smart one that is being an idiot at life, if I'm being seen like that at all. At Dan's, I know he is listening. I remember times where I'd talk as long as my sister would only to have my vocal cords tire out because I have never used them that long before.

Given the material things and all the confornt that my parents could offer here for me, Nashville, as much as a great city is could be, can't offer me much of anything as far as growth. Mentally, I'm still stuck in the 4th grade trying to make friends the only way I know how. Looking cool. If anything, this town has stopped my mental growth. A truama town that has caused me to keep looking to the past for answers and comparing me to my parents. There is no growth here either. The town just got it's first international market! There may be a Gay Street downtown, but there sure as hell isn't a gay district where I can go and look for someone to hook up with seeing how Andrew doesn't want to meet me if I'm going to be stuck like this. Nashville is killing me. Sure, I could get a job here, but it would be a dead end job with very little chance of growth. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll go somewhere. So I have some cash. The one thing I have done without so far and have spent in excess to just cause I don't like carrying it or cause I wanted something. I may have cash, but I may not have friends. Seattle offers me a huge area of friends to make and hopefully keep. Yes, I will have to get a job, but at least if I ever get a day off where I'm not so worn out I can actually get up and do something that I'll have more than just Opry Mills to go to. I have a whole menue of choices! And I could potentially do it with people that understand me and like me. Here, the only way that people could like you is if you have some kind of connection with them, mostly through church. There, the only way people could like you is if you have some kind of connection with them by actually getting to know a person. I'm tired of having my so-called friends be known as "that guy from church that plays sax" (Andy Karg) or "that one that you used to ride on the bus with to school" (Jenny House) or "your friend that works at Walgreen's" (Jerimah James). I want people to remember that I am friends with Dan because he and I know each other very well and like what we see, not because he and I happen to be gay.

I guess the choice is clear. For growth, Seattle is the better of the two. True, I don't want anything to do with Nashville, but I have a slight track record showing that I don't always get what I want. I want to think of it like this. In both cities, I'll need to get a job. I'll eventually get kicked out and will have to fend for myself. I'll have to pay bills, and I'll have to work like crazy just to pay for them. In both cities, I won't have time for blogging or online gaming. I might as well forget about college and my art then cause I won't have time for them once I start working. What makes the two towns different?

One has Dan. I rather be with him because he knows how to talk to me. Eric was right. I can't be babied anymore. Yes, Dan does, kindda baby me, but he also tells me how it is and if I'm about to fuck up again. He tells it to me more effectively too. I listen to him more than I listen to my own father! I know he won't be around forever, but in the time he has left be it however long, I want to be with him. I want to learn from him, cause he knows how to teach me without throwing me to the wolves. He may make me dive in head-first, but he won't totally turn his back on my when I need him. And I need him now to get out of this state that I'm in... physically and mentally.

I have to move on, and my next step is in Seattle...