I'm starting to wonder about the things I am capible of doing. I know there are some good qualities in me. How come I can't find them?

It's weird. Whenever I try to be optimistic, I end up being let down. Whenever I was a pesimist, things get better. Where is the balance in that? I dunno, maybe it's that whole Feng Shui or Karma or Dogma or whatever it's called. A poor boy traped in a rich man's destiny. A dreamer traped in a world of realists.

That's what sucks about life. It rarely if ever is how you want it. Things are never the way you'd like it, nothing is perfect. What is? What's perfect for you is not for another. There are no such things as perfect worlds or ideal settings. Yeah, that may be the pesimist in me coming out, but what is it about life that most of us want to change? With me, it's the setting i'm in and the want to change that without destroying it in its entirety. If that went over your head, what I'm trying to do is get out the right way to where everyone is all happy with my decisions. Unfortunately that means I end up getting hurt most of the time. That doesn't really bother me. All I've known for the critical years of growing up is hurt and pain.

The years of 10 to about 18 is said to be the defining years of a child. Those are the years when they being to change and find out what they really are. I seem to be cursed with this dark past during those years. The black part of a Ying Yang circle. Lots of bad; little good. Some things I wish I could forget, a few I have, but the one thing that will never leave is the fact that I have become wary if not scared of most people now. They have to make the first move. Sometimes I do, but that's only by accedent. A stray glace turning into a locked stare or mistaking someone for someone else. I remember saying one time that most of my friendships are accedents. Those that I try to befriend on purpose end up hating me or I fail to even apeese to them. Those that I do end up befriending are probible the only ones that can put up with me and all my flaws. Still, for those eight years of difinition, I have seen nothing but the shallow side of the human heart. Money is prized above all things. Trying to impress people is a goal most try for and few succeed. Being cool and superficial. They claim that they like what is inside, but do they really? I say it's just a front they put up so they don't get hurt or they feel better about themselves. I know I'm wrong. I know there are people out there that can be good and aren't doing it because they think it will get them into Heaven or make them look good. They do it cause they want to. Too bad in those eight years I have seen the few that are like that become the prior. A true humane soul or a superficial snob?

It's times like this I wish I never knew how to talk or communicate. I bet I did some damage just blogging this.