She wants me to finish applying by when?! FRIDAY?! This Friday?

From DigiPen - 3DCA Admission Requirements:

Deadline for Fall Admission.
DigiPen will accept applications to our A.A. degree programs in 3D Computer Animation until April 30, 2002.

Well, unless you didn't read the header or didn't check the calendar today, I'm out of time. That's what I get for finding out about it a few days ago. Mom is still acting like I have a chance though. Yeah, I know, I could do all the gathering of "Offical High School Transcripts" and portfolio making and typing up the personal essay, but lets get real here. Even though there is a "rolling deadline," the fact still remains that I don't have a snowball's chance in the seventh circle of Hell. (Sorry, I've been reading The Divine Comedy by Dante online.) So why apply now?

Besides, there's always next year, and by then I'll have everything I need gathered and picked out nicely. I'll have letters of recommendations that will look very professional and not rushed (not saying that any other one would look unprofessional). I'll have the perfect portfolio given my skills. I would have gone through my essay dozens of times over to make sure that it is spelled right and grammatically right. So since I missed the deadline, why gather all this stuff just to get it turned down because they filled up the 40 Freashmen student cap? It's not like a meteor is going to hit the Earth any time soon.

This is so very odd.

DigiPen Institute Of Technology apparently has gotten not only my interest back into college, but my parent's want to support me! The cost per sermester is 1/4 less than what Cornish is asking for, so I guess that's a plus. It's also in Remond, which is not far from where Dan is from the map. And I can get an Associate Degree in 3D CG Animation in 2 years easy.

Heh, "easy?" Who ever said things were easy? I know they aren't. It was hard enough getting my folks to let me go to Seattle.

I think this Tech Insitute is my pot of gold at the end of the perverbial rainbow.

From DigiPen Institute Of Technology:

DigiPen Institute of Technology is the first school in the world dedicated to computer science instruction as it applies to real-time interactive simulation programming. DigiPen is also one of the oldest computer animation schools in the world. Successful graduates of our programs gain the skills required to pursue careers in the rapidly growing world of computer technologies in general, and computer graphics and simulations in particular. We offer an unbeatable combination of practical game-making experience with strong academics.

No wonder Mom suggested I look at this place for my higher education. It's right up my ally. I mean, I like games, and I'm on the computer alot. And it's in Washington state. God, I feel bad now for almost turning this to the scarp heap.

Also oddly enough, as soon as I started looking at the site, mom got all excited and keeps saying how she is going to pay the tuition. Maybe I haven't screwed myself over.

Well, it happened. When my father came back, we sat in my room and talked about Seattle.

Dad made the first move and tried to talk to me about if I'm sure I want to do what I said I wanted to do. Get the lay out of everything. Frankly, it sounded more like a scolding for not doing much of anything these last seven months. Whatever he said and however he said it blew my original planed speach out the fucking window. It seems almost poetic that it was also raining when this happened.

We then got onto the subject of money and what job I may get and all that. How I'm not going to take most of my stuff, which I planed anyway, and where I'm going to go to school and all that. I broke it to them that I didn't have the ambition anymore. Their jokes went too far with me when they were ribbing me to do something. Was that a quiver I heard in my mom's voice? Natually they are concerned about me. They think it would be easier for me to learn all that I'm going to end up learning here instead of Seattle. It's cheaper this way.

Whoever told me money was a nessicary evil is right. They wanted to know if they should support me while I'm up there. I told them that it would be nice and that I'd like them to, but I'm not expecting it cause they have their own bills to pay and other priorities. Bad choice of words, Zeek. They told me that I'm top priority, not the bills. That's the first time I've heard that since my stupid suicidal days back in God-knows-when. I kept saying that as much as I'd like them to and as nice as it would be I wasn't expecting them to support me, cause they will eventually be pissed at the fact that I kept sucking money from them. Dad then said that since that's the case, they won't. Mom agrees saying that depending on people is hard, so being independent would be better. That coming from someone that can't gas up her own car says something else. It tells me that she knows what it's like to be depended and knows what it's like to not be. Anyway, the only thing it looks like they want to pay for is for my ticket to Seattle.

Dad wants to call Dan to see what's up and if I have room in his small apartment to live untill I get kicked out or am able to live on my own in a city with a higher standard of living than here. Not knowing if the number is the same, I took the job to e-mail him, as well as Bill, what was up.

I can't help but wonder right now. Did I just screw myself over and made this harder for me than it could have been? Dan said one night when I asked a question similar to that that if I have to ask, then it's probibly true.

Problem Two FOUND: Communication

I confronted my mother and told her, at a very opprotune time, that I wanted to go to Seattle. Basically, some digital college sent me some letter asking if I would be interested in whatever, and I just said then and there in front of her I didn't want to go. I didn't tell her that I frankly lost the ambition to go to college altogether because I wanted my father to hear that too. I don't know if the message knocked down any doors, to say. Hell, I'm not even sure it worked! I'll find out when I can get my mom and dad together later today and try again.

Just like my dad to take advantage of the good weather and go out golfing...

They tell me they are willing to let me go anywhere and do what I want, right? So why can't I go to Seattle? They said it was money. They said that we can't afford to send me there. That I can't afford to go to college there. That I can't be there. They know I want to leave. They can't be that stupid. I mean, my bags are packed. So why is it they want me to take classes down here? Why do they want me to learn how to drive down here? Why do they want me to get a job down here? Don't they know that I do not want to do anything with this town?

Bill said I'm acting like a juvinile. Compleately childish. Andrew said I have problems. Everyone wants me to grow up, including myself. So the hell am I stuck thinking like a 15 year old!!??!? Why can't I act my damn age and talk to them like all the other 19 year olds that have had it but want to be respectful to their parents in making major decisions? Why am I so different? And why do I feel like that's a bad thing?

Problem One FOUND: Self-Confident issues

Weird, this is the first time TODAY that I've been online. The internet must be getting boring. Either that or I can't have any fun on it seeing how I don't have a computer of my own.

Still, it is weird for someone as tech-savey as me... well, as tech-savey as far as I can be at least.

Tonight Fortune Cookie Wisdom
Know the right moment.

Why do I feel like this was given to me more of a play of fate rather than a play of chance? I don't know, maybe I'm just being weird given what has happened over the last few days.

So when is the right moment? Personally, I know it's different from person to person. The right moment can be anything from now because you are bored to when everything is in place for a plan to go through. I am with the later of the two. For me, things have to be in the right placement for it to be the right moment. Everyone has to be cool with everything at the least. Room for error should be slim if any. If that's demanding too much, then I guess I am demanding too much of the world. Hey, that's what I think the right moment would be.

In other news: Dad volenteered me again for something I'm not even interested in. He just assumes that since I have done computer art--however not recently due to a crash in my system--that I'd like to do what some of his customers do for a living. To make a long story short, I'm going to be--if I'm willing, which I'm not at this time--to partake in a slight training session in what they do. Thanks, but I'll pass.

Mom, on the other hand, wants to take a photography course, naturally, with me at, where else, Tennessee Tech. What is she using as an insentive? She promised to get me a new Dell with Maya Compleate. Please, that's about $3K! Combined with the course, I'd hate to see the bill for that! I don't want her to spend that much money on me. Sure, a few bucks here and there is cool, but something like this? Especially when I haven't decided that I want to take photography as a class. Well, you can tell where I'm going with this.

Wonder what her fortune meant when it said that she is going to "live a comfortible retirement."

Heh, I don't get myself sometimes. Everytime I watch a movie I like, there is always this scene running in my head.

I have this weird day dream. I end up on The ScreenSaver's Site of the Nite segment for the most imformative and fun website. Each section would be based on a movie I have seen and grown found of. The layout, the games, just the very idea is so beyound me I wonder if I will ever see that kind of personal site ever on the web let alone built by me. I won't have the time nor the technology!

Let me lay it out for you.

The front page would look like a theater front. A ticket booth in the center with a line of posters and marquees with various movies on it. Naturally, the ticket booth would be the site information link and the posters would link up to sites of the moives I've seen from Moulin Rouge to something as old as Oliver and Company! Every page would be informative. From plot summeries to explinations of various things in the movie to even games. Hell, if I ever find out what it was that Mushu was trying to cook in Mulan, I'd even put the cooking instructions for it. Megabytes after megabytes of just things involving the movies I've watched and loved over the years.

Mermaid folklore in The Little Mermaid section...
An extensive documentation of Consumption in the Moulin Rouge page...
A page explaining what exactly the Rocket Boys are talking about in October Sky for those that have no clue what was going on...
A cow shooting gallery in the O Brother section...
Computer goodies like programs for the computer that would make it act like it was being hacked from The Matirx...
A fencing guide in The Mask of Zorro...
A comparison essay over the anime version of Swan Lake over the actual ballet...

The list just goes on!

Too bad I'll never have the time for it.

I dunno why, but I just watched the only two Disney Animated movies that I had a solid and personal connection with. Okay, so most of the movies I own have some kind of connection to me personally with the exception of some. These two for some reason struck me kindda funny.

"Someday I'll be part of your world."

Movies like the one this line came from make me wonder if we are really unified as a culture. We as humans are afraid of what we don't understand and fear that sometimes. If we are educated, we won't be afraid of something we don't understand. We would know how to deal with it and know that it's nothing to fear. I think when we fear people for something superficial like wealth or color that we aren't really giving them a chance. I've been on both sides of that coin. At least when I young, I was able to turn that side of me away. Now I'm on the side yerning for acceptance rather than the non-accepting side. Still, I can't help but wonder what makes people afraid of people. And I don't mean that they are shy when they are spoken to either. I'm talking something bigger than that.

"When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Yeah, I can identify really well here. Here I am trying to be respectful and honorible and all that good stuff to my family while trying to do my so-called "duties" of going out to the world, learning to drive, going to college, and so on. What am I doing while being myself? I'm silently and slowly ripping their heart in two by not doing what they wish when they want and how they want. Whenever I see myself in the mirror, I feel like I'm looking at someone I don't know. Whenever I clasp my hands, one doesn't feel like mine. I wonder what it will take to make me feel like I am worth something to them, my parents. I want them to be proud of me while still being able to do what I want. I just want everyone happy with me.

What's best for me? Is there really something out there here for me that I may actually end up liking? Anywhere I go, the scenario is still going to be the same, so what choice do I have? Learn the hard way from experiance, or learn the easy way little by little. I no longer believe I'll meet the boys. At least not immediately. I have throw out all my hopes and dreams and idiotic ideals and face the reality.

All I'll ever do in life is work. I'm lucky enough to blog right now. Hell, I'm lucky enough to have an internet connection! The said matter is, I'm going to have to work. Day in; day out. Get home and eat whatever, if I'm not too worn out. I won't have time to go online and blog. I won't have time to go to NeoPets. I won't have time to play RuneScape. I probibly won't have time to check my e-mail (Oh god, more "You're using up all your free space! Pop out $20 or you won't get mail" shit...)!

Maybe my dad was right when he was talking to Dan. Maybe I do have it better here. I wouldn't know. It doesn't feel like I do. Yeah, I have this big ass stereo, but it's not mine. I have one of the biggest rooms in the house all to myself, but it really acts like second storage. Do I really have it better off here? I don't think so. I lack one thing. I lack that socializing factor I had at Dan's. I don't have that here.

When I was at Dan's, I felt that my opinion and what I said had some weight. Here, if I don't let my sister talk, I'm sent on a guilt trip because I wanted to speak. I am seen as the stupidly smart one that is being an idiot at life, if I'm being seen like that at all. At Dan's, I know he is listening. I remember times where I'd talk as long as my sister would only to have my vocal cords tire out because I have never used them that long before.

Given the material things and all the confornt that my parents could offer here for me, Nashville, as much as a great city is could be, can't offer me much of anything as far as growth. Mentally, I'm still stuck in the 4th grade trying to make friends the only way I know how. Looking cool. If anything, this town has stopped my mental growth. A truama town that has caused me to keep looking to the past for answers and comparing me to my parents. There is no growth here either. The town just got it's first international market! There may be a Gay Street downtown, but there sure as hell isn't a gay district where I can go and look for someone to hook up with seeing how Andrew doesn't want to meet me if I'm going to be stuck like this. Nashville is killing me. Sure, I could get a job here, but it would be a dead end job with very little chance of growth. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll go somewhere. So I have some cash. The one thing I have done without so far and have spent in excess to just cause I don't like carrying it or cause I wanted something. I may have cash, but I may not have friends. Seattle offers me a huge area of friends to make and hopefully keep. Yes, I will have to get a job, but at least if I ever get a day off where I'm not so worn out I can actually get up and do something that I'll have more than just Opry Mills to go to. I have a whole menue of choices! And I could potentially do it with people that understand me and like me. Here, the only way that people could like you is if you have some kind of connection with them, mostly through church. There, the only way people could like you is if you have some kind of connection with them by actually getting to know a person. I'm tired of having my so-called friends be known as "that guy from church that plays sax" (Andy Karg) or "that one that you used to ride on the bus with to school" (Jenny House) or "your friend that works at Walgreen's" (Jerimah James). I want people to remember that I am friends with Dan because he and I know each other very well and like what we see, not because he and I happen to be gay.

I guess the choice is clear. For growth, Seattle is the better of the two. True, I don't want anything to do with Nashville, but I have a slight track record showing that I don't always get what I want. I want to think of it like this. In both cities, I'll need to get a job. I'll eventually get kicked out and will have to fend for myself. I'll have to pay bills, and I'll have to work like crazy just to pay for them. In both cities, I won't have time for blogging or online gaming. I might as well forget about college and my art then cause I won't have time for them once I start working. What makes the two towns different?

One has Dan. I rather be with him because he knows how to talk to me. Eric was right. I can't be babied anymore. Yes, Dan does, kindda baby me, but he also tells me how it is and if I'm about to fuck up again. He tells it to me more effectively too. I listen to him more than I listen to my own father! I know he won't be around forever, but in the time he has left be it however long, I want to be with him. I want to learn from him, cause he knows how to teach me without throwing me to the wolves. He may make me dive in head-first, but he won't totally turn his back on my when I need him. And I need him now to get out of this state that I'm in... physically and mentally.

I have to move on, and my next step is in Seattle...

I can't believe what I did this evening. I just can't.

First off, I was talking to Aaron and James who were off in LA. James was at a vollyball game showing off his build and causing quite a flesh feast. Anyway, after the game, he talked to me about Bill and how he must be lonely over in Boston since he didn't join the party. I made the comment that I wish I was there.

That's when it happened.

James painted a scene for me so beautiful, I had to accept. Before I knew it, I had accepted to get on a plane tonight headed streight for Boston. You could say temptation got the better of me.

Well, word spread like wildfire and got to Dan. He didn't like what was about to happen. So, after calming himself down the only way he knows how to, he called me up. He painted a different picture. A realistic one. One where if I got on that plane, I may lose everything. I hate to say this, but I had to agree with him. Ultimately, the decision was mine. Dan didn't try to talk me out of it or anything. The choice was mine. And I chose not to go.

Temptation. It blinds all logic and fuels the human greed. How ironic that a student of God has become my serpent of Edan. The insanity that became and was born from this want, this desire, fueled nothing but the deepest and lowest part of myself I hoped never existed nor would surface. Only after did reality sit did it calm. The realization that that which what I want cannot and should not be had in the most immediate fashion. It is best to wait.

And so I wait. I wait back in my room, my cell of dry wall and carpet. I wait for the right time. For the hour, the day, the week, the very month where what I want can be gained with minimal or no conflict between the affected parties. Some may call that foolish. Who am I fooling? Everyone would call that foolish. Waiting for something, an ideal, that may never happen. They would want me to go out into the world and do something with my life. Waiting for that which would never come would be a fool's fate. So label me the fool! Crown me the court jester of the world, I say! I have fool's ideal, and so be it, I'll die a fool with it. Hard headed? Stupid? Any other labels you wish to put on my forehead I'd gladly wear it on my headstone.

I believe my ideals are what should happen. A world without conflict is a world of peace. That is what we are striving for, is it not?

Aw crap...

We have unbelievable places for you to go. And we'll help you get there. Today's high tech Navy..

Stop right there!! Navy? Come a-calling? NOW?! Please don't tell me the draft has been reinstated. Going into the armed forces is one of my fears. It's right up there with Death by Beheading. I don't like the idea of a "job", no matter how important it may be, were there is a tendancy for a great risk of death via any way possible!

We pay you a competitive salary with regular raises and provide medical and dental care.

Yeah... if you LIVE!

From DALiWorld:

Imagine a virtual world teeming with artificial life. This virtual world is an ocean, and the ocean is populated with a diverse and abundant ecology. Sea horses float among coral reefs, schools of fish dart and weave to evade hungry predators, a mother humpback whale and her calf migrate to cooler waters to feed... Myriad beautiful autonomous creatures are caught in the web of life that plays out before your eyes. As a user you are able to build and influence the ecology of the world, sculpt the surroundings, breed artificial life, or create new life forms from scratch.

Sound like the sort of thing you would like to have running on your computer?

Hell yeah!! I love fish and aquariums. Above all, however, I love dolphins and whales. In particular the Blue Whale and the Bottle-nose Doplhin. Yeah, Bottle-noses are a bit of a bully, but they are just so cute when they want to play. And "Big Blue"? I just like them cause they are gentle giants.

Too bad the only fish you get to choose from/get are little tropical fish you can find at various reefs. Oh well, they did pick a nice number of cute fishies.

Too bad I don't have a PC that is capible of running this or SmallBall. Oh well, one more thing to lust for.

Blogger was acting funny all yesturday. I'm starting to think I'm a walking magnet. Everything seems to just screw up when I'm around technology wise.

Let's see, what's on my mind today?

Last night I had a very strange dream. This is what I get for not eating proporly. Basically it started out with my trying to find some lost luggage in the air port otherwise I wouldn't have anything to wear other than what I had on in the dream. At the security check, there were three female prostitutes arguing over who got laid the most. (I blame Jerry Springer for that.) After that, was check and cleared, I had to go to a desert that looked like Al Kihad from RuneScape. I had to remove a bunch of stones, the first of which lead me to a snake pit. (*bad Indiana Jones voice* I hate snakes.) The second one lead me to an underground city where the halls of this hotel-like human ant colony were just barely enough to get me to the door of... AUSTIN GORDON?! I dunno why, but there I was. And we hung out for a good while too. It seemed like we were friends for like forever and didn't mind doing whatever either. Suddenly, the dream shifted to this Zelda-ish mission where I was to find lost treasure in these things called Luna Links. I dunno where that came from, but it felt real to me. The "Luna Links" looked like exploded fireworks and had the pulling force of a steep hill when you are trying to walk up it.

I dunno, my head is weird. I mean, I dreamed about airport security, RuneScape, a porn star that is cute (Hey, I dig the blond surfer look as well as the blond skater look...), and then some video-ques game scenario? What I wouldn't give to have those trama dreams about High School again. At least I could cope with those and not question why I dreamed them.

Sometimes I feel like I should have never learned how to talk. I feel like I do most of my communicating better through blogging or writing. Talking just gets in the way. I never could figure out how to do it properly to where I could tell the other person who may or may not have a clue about me what is in my head. Verbally that's impossible!

I guess it's a good thing that I'm using this computer only for online gaming and blogging. Porn hunting got boring suddenly. I think it was the whole denial of access unless you paid. Oh well, whatever. Money makes the world go round, unfortunately. Personally, If I had the power, I'd turn back the clock to the cavemen economics. No precious metals, no cash, no coins, no any kind of money! Just old fashion trading. My shirt for your shoes. Those with skill would trive. But what do I know, right? I'm just a gamer playing off free servers off someone else's computer and someone else's online connection. The poorest of the moochers if you will.

Good thing Blogger is free.

God, I'm stupid. I had a perfectly good blog and what happened?! I hit the sign out button instead of post and lost it all.

I'm such an idiot.

First my failed attempt at having a social life, then my questionable future that no physic could ever predict, now a blunder in the area of epressing ones self.

Please tell me that I'm destine to be a screw up. Someone please tell me that.

Well, so much for that weekend. Mom and Dad are back from Crossvile.

I also delivered the news to Dad about Dan calling. We kindda went at it verbally. Misunderstandings and shit like that. I hate when my parents don't understand me. It's the lowest form of neglect. They act as if they know my interest, but really they dont. It really sucks. At least they showed that they know a little about me. Not like it's a big thing and they can read me like a book, which frankly I'd like them to do.

If working too much does that to you, then I'm happy being unemployed. Unfortunately, reality hits me right now, and I know I've got to work for that little piece of paper/cloth with the dead President on it. I'm going to end up as ridged at my mother and father. I can see it right now.

Pop one more dream bubble. Kindergarden teachers should really quit saying to their students to dream big dreams and try to get to them. No dream is reachible anymore. Not unless you have cash. I can't wait for this to be said. "Anything can be bought... from weapons to human lives." Once that's a common phrase, then I'll know money is apparently everything.

I'm starting to wonder about the things I am capible of doing. I know there are some good qualities in me. How come I can't find them?

It's weird. Whenever I try to be optimistic, I end up being let down. Whenever I was a pesimist, things get better. Where is the balance in that? I dunno, maybe it's that whole Feng Shui or Karma or Dogma or whatever it's called. A poor boy traped in a rich man's destiny. A dreamer traped in a world of realists.

That's what sucks about life. It rarely if ever is how you want it. Things are never the way you'd like it, nothing is perfect. What is? What's perfect for you is not for another. There are no such things as perfect worlds or ideal settings. Yeah, that may be the pesimist in me coming out, but what is it about life that most of us want to change? With me, it's the setting i'm in and the want to change that without destroying it in its entirety. If that went over your head, what I'm trying to do is get out the right way to where everyone is all happy with my decisions. Unfortunately that means I end up getting hurt most of the time. That doesn't really bother me. All I've known for the critical years of growing up is hurt and pain.

The years of 10 to about 18 is said to be the defining years of a child. Those are the years when they being to change and find out what they really are. I seem to be cursed with this dark past during those years. The black part of a Ying Yang circle. Lots of bad; little good. Some things I wish I could forget, a few I have, but the one thing that will never leave is the fact that I have become wary if not scared of most people now. They have to make the first move. Sometimes I do, but that's only by accedent. A stray glace turning into a locked stare or mistaking someone for someone else. I remember saying one time that most of my friendships are accedents. Those that I try to befriend on purpose end up hating me or I fail to even apeese to them. Those that I do end up befriending are probible the only ones that can put up with me and all my flaws. Still, for those eight years of difinition, I have seen nothing but the shallow side of the human heart. Money is prized above all things. Trying to impress people is a goal most try for and few succeed. Being cool and superficial. They claim that they like what is inside, but do they really? I say it's just a front they put up so they don't get hurt or they feel better about themselves. I know I'm wrong. I know there are people out there that can be good and aren't doing it because they think it will get them into Heaven or make them look good. They do it cause they want to. Too bad in those eight years I have seen the few that are like that become the prior. A true humane soul or a superficial snob?

It's times like this I wish I never knew how to talk or communicate. I bet I did some damage just blogging this.

I want this machine! I want Yoshi's Boxx! It is by far the ultimate gaming machine to date! I will go as far as to say it could change the world of gaming as we know it! Someone had better mass produce this and Yoshi, the supreme guru of modding in all the geekland, should get a good chunk of the profits! Like 80% of the profits.

I hate having school-realted dreams. They are more like rewritten scenarios that I wish actually happened.

This nap's dream featured my looking for some misplaced stuff. A common occurance to me both as a prank and out of sheer forgetfulness in the real world. In the dream, I kept trying to find it, but all I ened up finded was trouble. Someone doing some high school prank on me or I miss my bus home or something. At the end of the dream, I confronted someone as I was running with only one shoe, since apparently that's what I missplaced, down to the last class. It wasn't a teacher or anyone like that. It was more of a student, maybe an upperclassmen. He kept making fun of me and how much my shoes sucked. With a letter opener, I pinned him to the wall and started bitching him out like I whould have done during those many events in real life. Most of which I can't talk about.

Another rewritten scenario. Another wishful event.

People seem to interest me more now than TV. I don't mean like reality shows like Real World or shit like that. I mean like actual people. Interacting with them and all that. Sharing things with them. Getting to know them. Having them make a connection with you. No wonder I'm so bored here.

Thanks to TechTV I found this game. It's called John Conway's Game of Life (in Java). What is it?

The Game of Life is not your typical computer game. It is a 'cellular automaton', and was invented by Cambridge mathematician John Conway.

What they don't tell you is that it's an hour eater for the easily entertained like myself.

Out of boredom tonight, instead of doing my normal porno hunt (which seems to be getting rather pointless now), I was messing around with Google's Language Tools and translating my blog into various languages.

Just a note, besides all the HTML errors you'll see as far as bolding and italic text goes, you'd be very surprised as to how much can get lost in the translation especially if you translate it literally. I won't show you here, but if you take say this blog entry or maybe one of the past ones and run it through the BETA translater, several of the words may be mistranslated. "Anxious" came up as "impatient" in the English to French translation. I don't speack French, but I did copy and paste the translation into the translater to see if it was accurate.

Hmm.. I wonder what my blog looks like in Spanish. Too bad the translater some times doesn't translate the whole page. Oh well, it's only BETA.

FromThe Jazz Messengers: A viewers' guide to Cowboy Bebop:

4/19/02 -- Overage charges ;_; - I always suspected that this website was going over my bandwidth account limit, but since I never got an e-mail from Gearhost (they said they would e-mail me if it happened!) I thought I was safe. Today I get an e-mail from Gearhost stating my overage charges for the past couple of months. On the upside, they offer a bandwidth upgrade - my problem is that I don't know if the bandwidth upgrade is yearly or monthly. If it's yearly, then I can probably scrape by. If it's monthly, I'll have to institute some measures. I'm starting by temporarily taking down the MP3s (by far, the largest sucker of bandwidth on the website) until the whole situation is settled. I also would like to beg you, as an act of mercy, to NOT directly link to images from this website for message board avatars and the like. I have tried looking for a script to block people from 'hot-linking' images, but so far I've been unsucessful due to the fact that I'm running on a Windows NT server. If you want to use one of the images on this website for an avatar, I don't mind as long as you upload it to your own server. There are enough free servers around that you don't need to steal my bandwidth. Thanks again to all those who have donated, you've saved my hind quarters once again!

Damn, there goes my happy music. I wish I had the cash to buy the CDs, but chances are I won't be able to find the in "like new" condition. On top of that, they don't make the edition of Knockin' on Heaven's Door OST with the Cowgirl ED bonus mini disk anymore!

Ok, ok, so I'm an otaku when it comes to Cowboy Bebop. Can you blame me?

You know, I really should change that iMood thing to bored, but honestly, that would be a waste of time. No, I'm not being lazy. It's just every time I get bored, I get anxious about the trip out to Seattle! Yes, there have been some minor changes here and there, most of which are my fault anyways, but when I start thinking about the boys and Dan and the gang and what I'll be doing there and how I'll finally be able to fine a life for me (seeing how I can't seem to find one here), I get excited. I just want to get away from here.

Yeah, even though my parents aren't here, I still can't go anywhere. At least I can do whatever I want and no one will complain... with some limitations. Unfortunately, come Sunday, they will be back. Oh well, little sweet things taste better in moderation or whatever they say.

WHOOO!! *singing* "Celebrate good times! C'mon!!"

My parents are gone for the weekend!! Where to? My mom has some confressing in Crossvile that she doesn't wnat to go to alone, so she dragged Dad along.

Well, mom just got home, and since it's her name on the Earthlink bill even though she never fucking USES IT, and since I found out about it, I told her about the iMac problem. Prior to my bloging this event, I have become her private IT director. What's up with that?!

Earthlink isn't being friendly either. First off, I had to get mom's password and customer ID number. Then when I was able to complain, I couldn't send the damn forum due to a web server error on their end!

I hate when technology doesn't do what it is suppose to do.

Either this is a really good thing or a really bad thing now.

I can't get online on the iMac. The dial-up number changed and I don't know how to reset the number on the iMac Dial-Up program. So my sister did it after doing some hunting and changed the number to what it should be but instead got someone's house. The person whom she accedently dialed up called us (having *69 or Caller ID) and my sister explained everything to her.

Damn Earthlink...

WHOA! This dude was huge!! He lost a whole person just doing DDR! That, combined with a Subway diet, and who knows how much you could lose?

And who said step aerobics isn't fun?

I never should have put that pomade in my hair yesturday. My hair feels as spikey and stiff as any anime character you can find.

Essence of Success

"Successful is the person wo has lived well, laughed often and loved much, who has gained the respect of children, who leaves the world better than they found it, who has never lacked appreciation for the Earth's beauty, who never fails to look for the best in others or give the best of themselves."

Ironically, this is from a pencil holder sitting on my mom's "Home Office" (or at least the poor excuse for one). I dunno, there is something about this quote that makes me think that it's wrong. If anything, this isn't much of a description of success than a definition. It seems more of a generalization. If anything, if you feel you're a success, then you are.

I really don't like generalizations like that. They seem to lead to stereotypes. Just cause one gay guy hits on a straight guy doesn't mean all gays will. Just cause the prison ethic count is dominately black doesn't mean all blacks are criminals. These are just a few too. Some stereotypes we indirectly associate with age. Oh, that person is 18 and should be in college. What if that person isn't motivated to go to college? Who is to say that it is required of him or her? My sister wants to work at the local Steak 'N Shake down the way, but my parents won't let her. Meanwhile, they are pushing me ever so hardly to get a job and do something with my life. I don't want to work here, but my sister does. Why don't they let her? It's cause I'm the eldest son. I'm suppose to supply and work for the family like a good boy.

See what I mean? An indirect stereotype. Just cause I'm the son automatically means I have to carry on the family name. In all honesty, I have already tarnished it just by being who I am, gay. Yes, even the gayest of sons can carry their family name with pride and honor, I know that. But in a family that is as ridged as they come, in a family that knows nothing but all work and very little play (if any if you want to talk about my mother) you can't, apparently, throw out the old ways cause that's all you've known. Maybe that's why I'm such an instigater in the family. I wouldn't be surprise if I ended up being the black sheep. You know, the one in the family you are too ashamed to talk about?

I just wish I could please them and feel like I have something.... successful for them.

I figure rant about this since it's on my mind.

The government "of the people, by the people, and for the people" isn't working. Why? Well, I personally think they are a bunch of high class liars that have no clue about what is going on in the real world. Chances are that a few still know cause they try to have at least one leg in their past while making sure the other leg if not the foot is in Uncle Sam's door, but I don't think that's a huge number.

My best example I can give of the people elected to run the government but don't have a god damn clue how is the school board I had to deal with in Junior year. Yes, that isn't really a form of government, but you'll get the idea in a bit. The school board is a number of people elected or appointed by those that believe they are qualified to run the schools. The one I had to deal with was semi-stupid. The best thing they have ever done is design a core curriculum. It was designed so that if you, as a student of the system, had to change schools due to zoning changes or whatnot, you would not be a page or seventy behind whichever school you ended up transferring to. In Algebra II, there was a required exit exam where if you don't pass you don't get the grade and have to take the course over again. Thing is, upon the arrival of the exam, the board handed a practice test consisting of items and formulas not on or found on the cre curriculum. On my test, there was stuff from Trig for an Algebra II class. Fucked up, huh? Since then, I've always believed the school should be represented as follows:

People elected or appointed to the offices or positions that they are suppose to represent should be from the area they are trying to fix be it job or region in general.

I always thought untill just awhile ago that the school board was made up of teachers that knew about the schools and the problems they have been dealing with. It turns out that really isn't the case. Not only are they not teachers, most of whom I believe are parents of kids that go to school, but they have probibly never set foot in the schools they are trying to fix.

The same goes for the local government here. The local house had to have a meeting and vote on if Halloween was to be on Saturday or Sunday cause it fell on a sabith and was known as the holiday of the dead. If anything, Halloween has lost all the celtic traditions that it once had and associated with and has become a big party! The people in the house live comfortible. They have security and live in the picture perfect house of what America is said to be.

There's the reason I'm convinced the government doesn't work. It is run not by the people as the founding fathers wanted it but by those that are members of the rich and powerful. The rich and powerful, no matter how much they think about us middle class and lower class folk, do not fully understand what is going on. They don't know what is going on in the areas that they are trying to fix, and chances are what they do know about the areas they are trying to fix they get from the news and informate that know nothing about actually living there. If you want to fix the gettos, ask everyone in the gettos what they want fixed the most! They live there! They know what's really going on outside of all the news cameras saying some black kid got shot crossing the steet because of rival gangs causing the idiot government to put more cops there. Think about it. When was the last time your elected Senator that is sitting in the Senate right now last came to your state and looked around and took everything in? When was the last time your Congressmen set foot in his childhood home for a month to see how much the neighborhood has changed. The bills that they pass and the laws that they make are so one sided. These men and women that are elected to represent us as a people are not from our walk of life. They do not know how hard the working man works or what exactly kids are doing on the streets or how bad some of these schools are or even how to balance a budget.

I'll end this rant with this thought. Who would be able to balance the national/local budget fastest: A bunch of rich I-can-buy-anything-I-want-any-damn-time-I-want-to politition or a group of women that are able to balance a check book in under a minute flat who have to deal with a budget every day? I'm going for the one that has to live with a daily budget. Why? They know where money should be spent and where it shouldn't be spent without going overbudget causing a bigger debt.

GOVERNMENT REFORM NOW!

I found this pic going through some wrestling/wrestler sites. I showed it to Bill, and he & James think that it looks like Bill in about 2 or 3 years.



DAMN, Bill is going to be such a hunk in a couple of years!!

What am I living for? What is my ultimate goal, my final destiny? What is it that have I have been suffering and enduring to get to?

"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice." This quote is wrong. Destiny is not either of these. Destiny cannot be chosen not can it come by chance. It is set. There is only one being in the universe that has control over everyone's destiny. That being is God. It is that being who has the control over lives. If a person is destine to lead the world in total pacifism, leardership qualities shall be entrusted to the person. If a person is destine to become a musician, musical talents shall emerge. If a person is destine to be an antagonist, they are given no heart or morals. If a person is to be an artist, they shall be given a new perspective in life. It is the choice of the gifted or cursed person to ignore these traits, but they can only ignore and not escape. One cannot escape destiny. It is impossible. Should one attempt to, he or she will only been thrown back into the set path. A mother, retired from her job in the payroll department and knows nothing else, may find out during a period of boredom that she can paint landscapes well enough to sell them. Her destiny was to be an artist, yet she was unaware of it. A destiny is best found early so one knows where to go in life. It is the only thing that motivates people unknowingly. To say that we as humans can control our own destiny means that everyone is the nearest thing to God. Humans cannot control anything but their actions. Destiny is far too out of reach to control. In fact, no one can escape the ultimate destiny. That destiny is death.
--Senoir Independent Study Journal entry, Date Unknown--

It's funny. That entry was read by someone that was trying to help me pick out a college. He said that I'm more fit to be in a physcology class given that. Maybe I am destine to be a writer than an artist. I do have more pratice as far as writing goes. I do all my socializing on IMs, I blog, so why shouldn't I be a writer. I can't spell, but with spell check, that can be fixed. Still, communicating the ideas I want to get across is another matter.

Someone said to me that "communication is constant learning". Something that may make perfect sense to me more than likely will not to anyone I talk to that doesn't know me or does not think the same way I do. If anything, talking to people is a learning process. A hard one too. One has to learn the level of understanding and principels behind what a person thinks and believes. The real challenges comes from expressing your ideas in forms of words. No one can perfectly express ideas in words and get everyone to understand and appreciate it the first time around. That takes years of practice and years of talking to everyone from all walks of live. If not, then more than likely you'll come off as stupid, offensive, rediculous, half-assed, or backwards. If you can, isolate the misunderstanding and work on it.

It sounds so simple, but for me, it doesn't work when the persons you have misunderstandings with blow up in your face at the moment you piss them off unintentionally because you are speaking your mind.

After doing all the fine tuning I could do, I opted to withdraw the EZBoard I created untill a latter date when I can manage it on a regular basis. When will that be? Probibly when I am able to do my Art Hacks again since I'm not happy with the images in the actual forum. On top of that, there are several bugs, mostly with the sticking of posts to the top of the forum.

Oh well, another project on the back burner. Other projects include training James on DDR, finishing the game idea MechDefender, and restoring my art site/online portfolio while still keeping up with my RuneScape game and NeoPets on the side.

There is a definate disadvantage to blogging, IMs, e-mail, and overall an online-exclusive relationship with people whom you've never met before in your life. The disadvantage is interpritation. The body language isn't there. They are just words trying to convay feelings like sadness, happiness, interest, confussion, and honesty. For those that don't know how to manipulate these words correctly to convay that emotion, there is a great risk of error in misunderstanding. The body and voice helps prevent that. These three things--the words, the body, the voice--are able to prevent any misunderstanding, because those three things can be manipulated to a way to where honest people can clearly portray what they are trying to get across. You can't tell if someone is insecure by the way they write sometimes. You have to see that scared face looking away and hear that small voice.

Compare the following and see which one gives you the most impression that the person is sad: A frowning or crying emoticon on an IM or the actual tears and sobbing in front of you. Which one tells you that the person is authenticly sad and not acting to be sad in hope to retain what they find in you or what they are looking for in you?

Why did I do that?

I now have an EZboard. Kindda. I'm still fine tuning it as well as some other stuff like text test, descriptions, rules about posting, etc. I don't expect anyone to actually post given the limited forum options, but what the hell, right?

Nothing seems to make me mellow out than just the realization and acceptance of the fact I'll have few friends and more enemies. It's funny, but I seem to make more friends on a fan basis. In other words, most of the people I talk to I associate with things I like like Cowboy Bebop or DDR. I can't really sit down and open up to people, I guess, without repelling them away.

Anyway, as I'm watching some of the videos on DDRFreak and waiting for them to finish downloading so I can watch them without a choppy break every 5 seconds, I decided to check out my log dormant EZboard account. Alot of the boards that I have marked as favorites are either dying, died, or I don't go to anymore and will have a hellish time catching up. Well, there was that one DDR board I found in Seattle, but I'm trying to avoid contact with one guy to suit my friends. It's a long, painful, and stupid story involving the shit I am capible of doing as far as destroying a good thing unknowingly goes.

Since most of the boards are dead, I was wondering if I should replace the e-mail addy with an EZboard link to a BBS that I would create. Yeah, no one would post, but it would be a better than sifting through e-mail and spam to find one that involves my blog. I'll think about it.

After doing some fighting for space, I got to sleep just around lunch time. About two hours later and I still feel like nothing is right. Hell, I had a dream that had commercials!! I woke up sweating and in a funky position. I dunno, maybe I'm taking this way too hard. Then again, I always did when it involved people I like.

My life sucks. You try your best, and you get slamed for it. All my faults seem to be the result of not acting fast or not knowing how to react right or for that matter overreacting. I say something wrong, I don't shut up, I overdo something, I react the way they don't want me to.

I'm not cut out to be James's friend.
I'm not cut out to be Bill's friend.

And at the rate that I'm going, I'm not cut out to be Andrew's boyfriend! Why Aaron thinks so highly of me, if he still does, is beyound me. Dan loves me cause he is the only one of the gang that has met me and knows what I'm like around people. I think Josh is starting to warm up to me, but I don't know how long that will last given the unwanted talent I have to piss people off.

I want someone to prove me wrong. Someone always proves me wrong about everything that isn't written down in a text book. I want someone to tell me that I'm worth something to them.

I want one of the boys to say that to me.

I'm starting to wish I had a Gameboy. I need my drug known as a video game. Music isn't helping me get out of this. Blogging is helping a little, but not much. God, why do I put so much importance into being happy all the time?!

Okay, I'm insane. Why did I post all those pictures on my blog?

Maybe I really am depressed. I mean, I tend to blog long posts when I am. On top of that, I found RuneScape and NeoPets boring today. All I want to do is just go back to sleep and wish yesturday never happened.

I wonder if I'll get in trouble for doing free advertisement for Lauderdale Strip? .... Naaah.

Odd. When I woke up, I was running a fan fic of Cowboy Bebop involving that mysterious guy in the picture from Ballad of Fallen Angels. Given what happened last night, I should be depressed if not still reeling in it. I don't know. Maybe I've finally been desensitized. Then again, maybe I've just lost all hope. Who knows? Maybe I've had too much.

Or maybe I'm expecting to fail with social wants and stuff like that.

"Curiousity killed the cat."

Well, meow then. I just screwed up a good thing.

Amazing how it seems that in a week I can be on top of the world and then under it by the time the next week starts. Basically, James had this plan to reserve a room one night to get to know me and what my plans are during the summer. He didn't tell me the last part when he asked because he was kindda drunk off beer and didn't want to get into it with the alcohol in his system. Fair reason, but what he didn't tell me prompted me to wonder. I asked Bill thinking that he would know. Those two are so tight it's not even funny. They make best friends look like mere aquantances. I thought (stupidly) "Hey, maybe he knows something." Bad move.

I was able to catch Aaron on IMs for a change tonight. The curious was still there, and so I asked Aaron. He's practically the mother of them and knows the boys inside and out as far as tendancies go. Again, I stupidly thought that he may know something. Turns out James was there reading the IMs along. That combined with the funning that Bill was giving him all day made James a bit mad. Those that know him best would say Bill was the fuel to the fire, but I was the idiot that lit it. That's the key thing there. I'm responsible now. Because I just couldn't let go, what does James do? He drops everything. He's not coming on the trip or going to talk to me alone or anything! That goes without saying that I might be without a good number of clothing items come trip time if he is still not going.

I begining to feel like I can't be friends with those boys. It's starting to become an impossibility. Kindda like how all I want to do is please everyone with my actions when it comes to major decision like moving or college while pleasing myself. And they told me to aim big when I was little too.

"For those with wings, fly to your dreams." Where are my wings?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Let's see, what do I want to rant about now?

I am sick of this computer and all the crap I have to put up with. The box says it's a 56k on the iMac but it can pairly go at 2.5kbps. Maybe 3kbps if I'm lucky. On top of that, this Mac is old. The laptop is old too, but it has a cable modem which is the only decent thing in the house technology wise. True, I've had to live with the motto of "Be happy you have it cause some don't", but when you have grown up knowing about technology and finding out that DSL is getting cheap and that top of the line video cards and computers are just under $2k, you can't help but want them sometimes. Especially when you are mad at what you currently got. Yup, Steve Wazniack is right. "Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." Sometimes I feel like chucking this one every time it slows down or pulling a discuss throw with the laptop everytime it freezes cause I'm trying to run a flash game on NewGrounds.com or when it gives me a blue screen of death cause I apparently did something wrong or the system can't handle what I clicked on. I wish I was as smart as Bill with computers as he is. I bet if I just leave him my old dead CPU he could revive it by dinner time.

Speaking of the little bugger, for some reason I was expecting to see his face when I opened my eyes this morn-- afternoon when I woke up. I don't get it. Guess I'm just really attatch to him or something. There also could be that excitement that I've been having about meeting him and James. God, I hope that phone call of Dan's comes in soon.

I've had it with my mother and father. They expect way to much of me. Pushing and pushing and pushing to get me where they want me to be. Has it ever occured to them that they are doing more harm then good? The more they push, the more they don't want to do it. Why? I say it's the way they push me. It's hard to discribe, but to me it sounds like they are almost whining. Parents that whine to their kids? Please tell me I'm not alone with this one.

Something's up... besides me. ("I need to borrow your O Brother CD." Sure, Jess...)

Anyway, that is beside the point. James is making me curious about something. I guess the first sign that something is up with him is the fact that he asked if I would spend the night with him alone at a hotel room. The second sign was the way he took over IM last night from Bill. I'll find out what's up the hard way. I always do anyway.

God, Jess, why did you have to wake me this early? Now I can't get back to sleep!

I'm Suzie! Who are you? by Dru & Lexi

Well, that's a surprise. For a second there I thought I'd be a Chuckie.

From GameWorks Locations - Seattle:

Pricing And Promotions
$1.00 activation fee charged on all new card purchases.

Standard Pricing:
$10 gets you $10 in gameplay
$20 gets you $25 in gameplay
$25 gets you $35 in gameplay BEST VALUE!

Sunrise Special:
First two hours each day $20
Moonlight Special:
Last two hours each day $15

Time Play:
Sunday - Thursday Only
1 hour of unlimited gameplay for $20
2 hours of unlimited gameplay for $25
3 hours of unlimited gamplay only $27!!

I like! I hope those promos are still on when Bill and James and I hit it up.

Watched October Sky possibly for the last time on the surround system here at home. I want to show Bill that movie since he is interested in space. I hope it doesn't make him cry at the end. It's a very touching film. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it.

Afterwards, I found a hole in my jeans that I was wearing. No surprise, really since they are old jeans, but I didn't want to walk around with a hole in the butt crack area of my jeans. As I was digging in my drawers I found some really old pairs that would never fit me. I can't believe at one point in my life I was a size 14! That's nearly less than half what my waist size is now! I wish I could be that small sometimes. I was cuter and a bit leaner cause of all the running away I did. Oh well, at least I can still sprint to get away from immediate threat, but I'm not that good. After filing down memory lane, I had to break into my back pack and pull out my second pair of jeans I packed. That's right, I only have two pairs of jeans that fit me. Sad, huh?

I cannot wait till I can get out of here! Bill and James where talking to me last night about how they want to go to GameWorks since they never been. I so want to show them as best a time there as I possibly can. Remember, Games are suppose to be fun even if you suck at them. Anyone that tells me otherwise can shove it up their ass. Sorry, but I'm very passionate about games and what they mean as far as entertainment goes. Entertainment should not be boring, nor censored. I'll go into that at a later date maybe.

Well, I did what I thought about in how to pack my stuffed bears. I think I killed the cute factor, but at least I don't need a third box now.

I owe James. He, Bill, and Dan are coming down to Nashville to pick me up to go to Seattle. Thing is, I can't have any luggage to check in. Not good for me. The rest of my clothes are in that big bag I plan to check in. However, thanks to James, we got around that! Basicly he can't do without his car, so he is having it sent to him. He changed the delivery path to Nash so I can toss my bag into the trunk and then it will meet us in Seattle later. Safer than checking it in and I don't have to worry about them lugging it all over the place potentially breaking a few of my videos. God I'm going to be paranoid on that flight.

From RuneScape:

Latest RuneScape News - 9th April 2002

New members quest online!

Figures... they never give anything to us users on the free server anymore. Just minor modifications like being able to chop a tree down in one click rather than the two clicks it used to take.

The Fitzharmon family crest has gone missing, and the family honour has been lost. Can you find the crest and return it to Dimintheis in Varrock? There are 3 different rewards available, but you can only choose one, so choose carefully!

Now this is more like the quests I was hoping to find playing this game. I wonder what the rewards will be. Cash? A weapon? A shield? More than likely. Too bad it's for MEMBERS ONLY!! (Paying bastards...)

This is another difficult quest to complete. Next we will be working on some low level quests, to ensure there is a good balance of quests for all levels of player.

I wonder if that means I'll get my wish of a new quest on the free server?

Well, looks like I'm on the laptop and off the iMac faster than I thought. There must be something wrong with the iMac's internet connection. Oh wait, I know what's wrong. IT'S A DIAL-UP!! Too bad this is the only computer with a cable LAN access that I can actually get to.

Too many e-mail accounts!! Man, I really need to manage these accounts better. It took me about 15 mins just to check my mail on AOL, Yahoo!, and Hotmail. Thank goodness I only have one of Yahoo! and of Hotmail, but I have 3 on AOL. Well, 2 active ones and a dead one. The third one I have I forgot the password to because I haven't used it since I stopped updating my art hack site. (Don't ask what an Art Hack is. I rather not explain it untill I get all my old programs back.)

Right now, I have an idea how to pack my Build-a-Bears. I could get rid of those boxes that they came in and stuff them in with the other plushies I have, but the more I think about it, the more I don't want to. The boxes they come in give them such a major cute factor it would almost me like committing a sin against all things cute. God, I'm a softy.

I'm also wondering why no one was on last night. I'm on the iMac as i'm bloging this, which hasn't been all that friendly to me. Last night it wouldn't hold a decent signel to where I could use AIM. (That reminds me, when I get a new computer, I need to install all of those fucking IM programs again.) I switched over the the laptop after mom got off it and didn't see Aaron or Bill or even Andrew on. Hell, not even some my RuneScape buddies from around the world didn't sign on, but enough about those guys. I'm more concerned about the boys I've grown to love. I wonder if I got on Aaron's bad side. I mean, I kindda was responsible for Andrew only having 2 hours of sleep before his appointment. Can't blame either of us, really. Neither of us wanted to hang up the phone.

That won't be a problem once I get a chance to meet him.

I think I'll save my NeoPets and other accounts for the various message boards and what-nots for later.

From AnRe Fallout Shelter - Okay, here's the deal...:

Albright
YaBB Administrator

This is sort of a troubleshooting thingie here. Let's start threads here, and post up a storm. If things work, then I'll know that the problems were caused by the script at the old board, so I'll just do a fresh reinstall of those scripts and start over. However, if we have corruption here too, then I'll know it's a problem with our web server company's disks, and I'll contact them about it.

One more useless acount, one more password to remember. I hate when technology doesn't do its job right.

Man, I must be bored tonight. I mean, Aaron hasn't sign on yet on eithe MSN or AIM. Then again, none of the gang has. I wonder if Bill has insomnia right now and maybe will sign on cause he can't sleep? Midnight chats with him are fun, cause I like to keep him company till one of us burns out.

In any case, because of my boredom, I've fixed a few HTML goof ups, redid the links now so it shows some of my favorite sites from both my midnight run and daily routine. I wonder if I should have not put on those two porno wrestling sites. Well, it's not like I'll get money off it if someone clicks on it. If anything, they are there to remind me where the hell I've been at night as far as frequent vists go. And also, chances are good I'll forget the new wrestling site I found.

(For all you straight folk reading this, sorry but they are all gay sites.)

Welcome to Yahoo! Mail

Thanks for registering with Yahoo! Mail! Your account is now active and you can send and receive messages immediately with your Yahoo! email address.

Ok, two... no THREE @aol.com's, one @hotmail.com, and now I have one @yahoo.com. Man, all this cause Yahoo! Groups couldn't varify my other e-mails.

My internet life is pathetic, huh?

From Michio Kaku Online : Black Holes, Worm Holes and the 10th Dimension:

"Jane" is left at an orphanage as a foundling. When "Jane" is a teenager, she falls in love with a drifter, who abandons her but leaves her pregnant. Then disaster strikes. She almost dies giving birth to a baby girl, who is then mysteriously kidnapped. The doctors find that Jane is bleeding badly, but, oddly enough, has both sex organs. So, to save her life, the doctors convert "Jane" to "Jim."

"Jim" subsequently becomes a roaring drunk, until he meets a friendly bartender (actually a time traveler in disguise) who wisks "Jim" back way into the past. "Jim" meets a beautiful teenage girl, accidentally gets her pregnant with a baby girl. Out of guilt, he kidnaps the baby girl and drops her off at the orphanage. Later, "Jim" joins the time travelers corps, leads a distinguished life, and has one last dream: to disguise himself as a bartender to meet a certain drunk named "Jim" in the past. Question: who is "Jane's" mother, father, brother, sister, grand- father, grandmother, and grandchild?

Okay, he lost me here. Still, Dr. Kaku is very interesting to listen to. Science fiction turning into science fact. Still, he's got a point. With time travel, we can really mess up alot of chronological events causing the universe to litterally collapse because of something that should have happened but never did for some reason. And the questions of who and why and how come would be almost as infinate as the questions of life are right now. Yes, some are getting answered as we speack, but even more are poping up the more we answer them. Will we ever obtain a status where we have learned into infinaty? I don't think our brains are cabible of that, do you?

Wait, why am I so interested in this weird shit?!

From Cyber Crimes:

A full-body X-ray machine can examine every person who comes through an airport checkpoint as an alternative to a pat down.

Recently, US Customs began testing the full-body system in roughly 10 airports across the country. Given recent events, officials are considering rolling out these X-ray machines in all airports, for all passengers.

Peter Williamson works for Rapiscan, one of a few companies working on full body X-ray. He says inquiries into rollouts of the technology have increased dramatically since September 11.

The images generated by the X-ray machine are not photo quality but they are good enough to tell gender. Security officials can download and save X-ray images, raising the possibility of misuse.

Hey, if that's what I have to do, it sounds good to me. So someone ends up knowing what I look like without my clothes on. Big deal. My pants ripped on a locker lock back in the 8th grade and I didn't know about it till just before dismissal when everyone was commenting about my butt. Ok, that was embarrassing, but I'm over it.

Dumbass iMac... freezing up on me when I was in mid-process of feeding my NeoPets just cause I decided to turn on the printer...

Anyway, I repacked my bags and, surprisingly, made my carry-ons extremely lighter than normal. Should be easy now come those random searches. I opted to just pack my new boxers instead of all my underwear. Less embarrasing when they are filing through the clothing. Now all that's left is for me to print out what I have on the MechDefender game idea, pack that, and wait patiently for Dan's call to my dad. Cool, huh? I can't wait!!

God, I'm lazy. I decided to just do it tomorrow. I'll have more time to do all that thinking about what I wear and all this shit that involves packing clothing into a bag that will never hold it all. Yup, I'll have more time for that tomorrow.

Why is it whenever the clothes are in the drier I always go to sleep? Oh well, the drier does take longer than the washer, so maybe that's why.

The good news is that I haven't lost a single sock to date! Go me! The bad news is the drier decided it was hungry and ate one of my old boxer briefs to shreds and nibbled on a shirt. Oh well, looks like mom is getting a new rag. Besides, the boxers feel better for some reason.

Now comes the one thing I don't know how to do due to the fact that I need that wierd travel gadget where it takes the air out of the bag you are packing everything into so you can pack more. I hope I have room in my check in for my extra clothing. Oh well, I'll fine out in a bit.

Laundry Day!

Actually, I have no SET Laundry Day like most should. I just do it when I run out of clothes to wear.

I talked to Dan last night. He and I orginized a way to get me out of here and hopefully make everyone happy. He's a smooth talker, and I miss his company alot. The feeling is mututal. Both he and I are in situations we don't really like for one reason or another. To get out of them and to be back in a place we can both feel comfortible in is like a dream come true. Hopefully he will, once again, sell the idea to my folks, and they will follow like fish. Hook, line, and sinker.

In other news: I got to IM DJ 8Ball!! And I learned he's 30. He doesn't look it, but it's cool to see someone older than me look good on DDR... and being of the club scene apparently helps his style, even if it is a bit barrowed. Groovy. And the best part is he is part Filipino! Finally! Someone of my race! All the Filipinos I know here are mostly my mom's friends. It's nice to meet someone both of my ethic background and on the grounds in which we have a common interest. I think I'm begining to see that social asspect that DDR brings now....

You know, I must be a bit braindead right now. Not only do I not know how to end my stupid game idea, seeing how I put some cheesey cutscene into the script to maybe delay the last mission some, but I don't know how to even drop another hint to my oh-so-meaningful-yet-able-to-piss-me-off-with-a-English-misunderstanding-due-to-the-fact-she-talks-in-pronouns mother that I want out of here!! Geez, I'm 19 for crying out load. What's her mindset?

"You don't know where to go to school or have a job, so where are you moving to? When you know where you are going or have a job, then you can leave."

I know I'm suppose to respect her, but DAMN I so want to strangle her neck. This isn't the Philippines! I don't have to establish myself just to get out of the country. All I need here is a dream and some kind of ambision. I don't see why money is so god damn important. OOOOoooo, so it gets you shit. So it can buy me a place to live. Just so you know, a homeless person here built himself a two story house out of drift wood. Now tell me again that money is important, you lazy rich bitch. People can be self sufficant. I mean, that's how we did it back in the day when there was a 5 and dime. Surplus of everything thanks to those that knew how to man the land. Now everything has to be run by monitary gain making skill unimportant. If you have a degree, you get a job, cause they think you have the skill. Call me ignorant, but that's how it appeared to me. I applaud those with the skills to get them in the 1% that is so accredited that even the best in their field look up to them no matter how young.

I just hate the fact it takes money to run things. I wish this was the land of the free instead of the land of free oppurtunity. Oppurtunity can only get you so far. It's that ungodly need for money that makes you go further. If that's the case, I rather be a drifter back in the days of the Gold Rush. Then again, I kind of am a drifter. Ever see me walk around the mall?

Not only did I forget to set my clock forward an hour, but Blogger had server trouble out the wazu. As a result of not having anything to do or IM, I took a nap.

Never should have done that.

My subconcious brought back a person I haven't really given a second thought about for a while. Thanks to my head, I got this weird idea if not fear that I may run into Nick while playing DDR in Seattle. I hope not. If I do, I hope it isn't as ill fated as in my dream. God, that encounter was nasty. Good thing it was just a dream.

I hope this blog gets through.

Well, score one for me. Day Three of having a bad inner thigh and I did pretty well on DDR in OpryMills as my mother was at Gibson's Guitar showing her fellow APA members where she want's to hold the payroll confress at.

I still wish they had at least the DDR USA mix instead of the dumb DDR US 1. More songs and a Beginners Mode for all the kids that have no clue what they are doing. And lower the price, maybe. I'm not complaining about it much. I still have 11,990 points left on my Player Card for Jillian's, so that should last me a few more games.

Meanwhile, in Hickory Hollow, I'm just wondering if that tourniment is ever going to get off the ground. Frankly, I don't think it will. The person running it has no clue how to run it. Oh, if only I had the connections Josh has. I'd fix that tourni up so fast, it will do the mall some justice in both business and promotion quality.

For such a well done site, their BBS board sucks. I guess the only reason I want to keep the link here is because DDRFreak is the only place that has a good source of information as to what Dance Dance Revolution is all about. So those that want to know why I play that game untill I'm broke and why I want to get the 4th Mix Plus as a big purchase can find out first hand.

One thing is for sure; I won't be posting on they message board. I sent an e-mail saying to delete my unactive message account. No need to take up space that I will never use.

Still nothing from DDRFreak about that activation page I need to go to so I can post. I might as well watch some more of their vids. Sigh... don't you love technology?

If you haven't seen it yet, check out some of DJ 8Ball's vids on the site. He has got to be the single most awsome freestyler I have seen! Don't believe me? Click here and download why I think so for yourself!

Still no e-mail this late at night from the MailBot of DDRFreak's fourm board.

I did, in the meantime, went to their songlist section to see what machine would be a good goal to buy if I get insane to get it. Considering the machines that had the songs I wanted but didn't have ALL the songs I wanted, I settled for the 4th Mix Plus machine. It doesn't have Abyss on it, but at least it has Cafe and Dynamite Rave, which is growing to be my favorite song and the ones I want to freestyle to first to fully. I won't lie, I have been known to freestyle (poorly) on Brillent2U on the DDR machine that Jillian's has, but that's only if I have the engery and the crowd. Other than that, I can't freestyle to save my life.

So why get a machine that cost about $5k-$7k? I'm insanely obessed with it. Why? Oh, if only I had the space to explain. Besides, you won't understand untill you play it. Once you do, you'll get hooked.

Today must be Dance Dance Revolution day for me or something.

Well, I signed up with DDRFreak's chat fourm mostly for something to do and partly because I'm expecting to teach James how to play provided he wants to learn from me. Who knows? He may have already gotten better than I'll ever be on his own. That's how most people are. Sadly, I was suppose to be sent an activation e-mail and I never got the e-mail to any of my various addies that I use to redirect spam. I know for a fact I couldn't have accedently deleted it. I deleted all my spam before signing up. In any case, I e-mailed the board mod and hopefully it will be fixed and I'll get the activation e-mail soon. I really don't want to sign up again. One person already reregistered 3 time and still has 0 posts. I hope it's the MailBot's fault. It's got to be. Everyone that joined after March 30 haven't posted.

Why can't they have an EZboad BBS? I'm already a member of that. Maybe they don't want random people surfing in and posting like mad men. I dunno. I don't run a BBS, so I won't know.

In the meantime, I'm just going to wait for the e-mail.

For lunch, I decided to watch some videos of past DDR winners and big-namers on DDRFreak.

Man, just watching DJ 8Ball and Samantha doing Synchronized Love alone is enough to make me wish I was better! No wonder they won first place in the Couples Division at the SVGL TourniMIX in June 2001.

I love this game. Fun and fitness rolled into one! Don't believe me? Check out the workout of Kevin Kim as he is doing Dam Dariram by himself. He won first place in the Singles Division at the same tourniMIX.

Argh!! I just got a look at what I blogged last. That made no sense what so ever! I really should just blog whatever I want to rant about.

Huh? Sorry, publishing is temporarily unavailable? The Blogger's servers are overloaded? They want me to switch to Pro?!

[Steps on SoapBox]
THE END OF THE FREE INTERNET HAS COME! Those hackers with a genuine cause, I call upon you! The corporations of the world are using the internet as a way of making monitary gain! Down with the major businesses that are using this means of communication for only monitary gain! This technology was to be a form or communication and no some money well for anyone rich enough to dig into. Big business with be the end of the internet! Free software writen by those that know how to make Windows better will disappear due to charges from the networks that own the servers. E-mail will no longer be Free Mail like my Hotmail account but Fee Mail jus so you don't have that 2MB limit hanging over your head. Napster, Kazaa, Morphious, all were what the internet was to be in the future! Why are record sales down? It's not these guy's fault! It's the industry! There is nothing worth listening to because they have lost sight of the big picture. Money is never the answer! The product you produce is! Once you do it for money, you will never have the enjoyment you once did when it was free. Everthing is free! People that say it isn't are only concerned about money and how much they have. If you mine all the iron ore and all the coal needed to make a car, you can make one! Dig up and old casset recorder and with today's technology you can transfer that tape to a CD-RW for anyone to hear! WE DON'T NEED BIG MONEY CORPORATIONS WHEN WE CAN DO IT OURSELVES, yet like little children to their mothers we turn to them. Are we lazy or are we taking for granted what we think is so important but will ultimately be worthless in the end of our lifetime?
[Steps off SoapBox]

Seriously, is it always about money?

Why didn't I want to get up today? Nothing bad happened the night before that could have caused this feeling.

Why are my legs sore? I didn't do anything strenuous like DDR.

I think I'm sick. Why else whould I be sneezing and have a stuffy nose?

Why ask why when you know why?

I just spent the whole morning unpacking and repacking my boxes that I originally packed for Seattle about 7 months or so ago. I did it mostly as a hint toward my mother and because, well, I didn't know what I packed back then. Needless to say I found some treasures and some stolen booty that I had to return since I didn't need them and/or they weren't mine. Helped cleared out alot of space. Thing is, though, four of my items were kind of the odd ones out. I couldn't fit them back into the boxes and I was trying to keep everything that had some kind of common thing together (i.e. movies and CDs go in one box, games go into the other). I called my mom and dad to get a third box. I should have dropped another big hint on my mom when she asked, "Why are you packing agian? Are you going anywhere soon?"

Now that I think about it, since Aaron fixed everything, I wonder if that dinner about a month from now is still on? Boy, that would be one hellish ride explaining that one to my folks.

I think I'll do my luggage later... like after I do my laundry and use my new boxers for the first run.

I love Aaron! (Not in that way, Mark. I know he's your's.) I caught him on his Honeymoon and told him everything that happened yesturday like a kindergardener whose toy was taken up at show and tell by a jelous kid. He may be gay, but damn can he bitch out the best of them! Thank you soo much!

Now, if only Blogger could work. I wonder if The Screen Savers has anything to do with this. They were talking about blogs last night, and they admittingly said that after they plug in a site in their show, it tends to go down due to bandwith problems. Oh well, hope this goes through. If not, I've copied it to be pasted again later... and over... and over... and over... and over...

Why does this song seem to fit my life so well?

Gotta Knock a Little Harder
Composed and Arranged by Yoko Kanno
Words by Tim Jensen
Vocals by Mai Yamane

Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd had known the difference

Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference

Always keepin' safe inside
Where no one ever had a chance
To penetrate or break in

Let me tell you, some have tried
But I would slam the door so tight
That they could never get in

Kept my cool under lock and key
And I never shed a tear
Another sign of my condition

Fear of love or bitter vanity
That kept me on the run
The main events of my confession

I kept a chain upon my door
That would shake the shame of Cain
Into a blind submission

The burning ghost without a name
Was still calling all the same
But I just wouldn't listen

The longer I'd stall
The further I'd crawl
The further I'd crawl
The harder I'd fall
I was crawlin' into the fire

The more that I saw
The further I'd fall
The further I'd fall
The lower I'd crawl
I kept fallin' into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire

Suddenly, it occured to me
The reason for the run and hide
Had totaled my existence

Everything left on the other side
Could never be much worse than this
But I could go the distance

I face the door and all my shame
Tearin' off each piece of chain
Until they all were broken

But no matter how I tried
The other side was locked up so tight
The door it wouldn't open

Give it all that I got
And started to knock
Shouted for someone
To open the lock
I just gotta get through the door

And the more that I knocked
The hotter I got
The hotter I got
the harder I knocked
I just gotta break through the door

Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Break through the door

Download the MP3 of this song at JazzMess.com in the CD section.

I might as well try to remember the posts that I tried to post.

I never should have taken my afternoon nap. The entire time, my subconcious plagued me with images of the people who I know I'll never talk to again. Those that I knew what they looked like I saw just as vividly as I would anyone. Those that I didn't, I imagined given what I knew. Why did I have to wake up? Why did I have to lose everything I wanted just from a stupid line?

I've lost everything. Sure, I have my personal possesions, but are they worth? They are nothing more than my drugs to keep me happy. Safer version of marijuana and crake. Video Games, CD, movies. Temporary happiness desired for just their temporary enjoyment. That's all they offer to me. And like drugs, they drain all the monitary gains I can find if I can't get them for free. They may not be going into my system like alcohole would, but they are my addiction. The one thing that can get me up and happy since I have yet to find a person or a group of people that can do that for me.

"Life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by the scenery change."
~Daria, Is It Fall Yet?

Okay, it's official. Nothing today can go right. Here I am trying to blog, and I lost 2 of my most personal rants to the mysterious side of cyberspace known as a Black Hole in the Information Highway during a traffic jam. My life sucks. Plan and simple. No long blog this time. It's not worth the effort if this post doesn't go through like the others.

Another day I didn't want to get up because of something that happened the night before. While laying in bed with eyelids painfully shut, I ran so many scenarios in my head, I could have rewritten the history of last night in any way possible. I really didn't want to get up, but yet again, my body told me different, and I had to get up and take a piss. I looked at the laptop and decided that a day of RuneScape playing and NeoPet caring was not for me today. Social games really, but I can't be social.

I must I have this weird skill to piss people off indirectly. It always happens whenever I don't want it to. It also seems to hapen to the people I care about the most the majority of the time. The rest of the time it happens out of misunderstanding. I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to find an excuse to make myself feel better. I don't think much can make me feel better. I lost pretty much anything I had and is left with what I started with, a false hope diven to life by a dream unreachible.

Ironically, I wasn't having a good day yesturday either, but it sure must have been. The general unwritten law with me that seems to happen alot is that after a good day, it always end bad for me.

Who knows? I know I don't. That High School degree with the Beta Club sticker doesn't mean anything as far as intellegance goes. If life was a course, I'd fail.

"April Fools' Day: The day we are reminded what we are on the other 364 days of the year."
~Mark Twain

I'm feeling a bit awkward right now. This project that I'm doing for my mother is easily overshadowed with an odd even that happened last night resulting in a dinner invitation with a very... uhm... High Ranking man. I don't even want to know how I got into it. I'm still taken back. There is something in my head saying that it had to be a joke pulled by someone I know, but no one would joke about this, would they? No one would joke about this. No one.

All doubt aside (as it should be in this case), my creative block just affected this project that I'm suppose to do. How am I going to do a t-shirt for the APA and have it look like what my mom wants it to? And then there is the Lemon Freash project with the two page comic to the demo. Oh well, as with most things that I do whenever I'm in a spot, I got straight to the one thing I know will set me into the mood.

Music.