Huh?! Why doesnt' the JPWA link work? Weird...

So much for my plan. James talked me out of it, and now I feel better just talking to him.

In short, I love that guy.

So no talking about Seattle for awhile. The plan is now to just to go with their wishes for now. Dan will go wherever he wants, James and Bill are off to party and have fun without me, and I'm here for about a few more months. Frankly, I rather be with him, but I guess this is for the best for now.

He did promise me that when I get up there, he will meet me.

Another short blog. I'm such a sap. I guess I can't blog right now while I think of James.

For the first time I can remember, I woke up from last night thinking that what had happen was a dream. Then reality hit me that it wasn't. I really really hate it when bad things flow over to the next day.

As if I was playing Yu-Gi-Oh, I have one card left to play. I will just tell them flat out again what I want to do, and if they still don't want to talk about it, they got another thing comming.

I can't believe this!! I just don't believe this!

I droped the bomb. I was ascertive if not a compleate ass about it. I told them point-blank that I'd like to go up there while I know Dan is still up there. My parents want to ship me out in August. I told them that was too late. They said my June 13th date was too early. God, and to make it even more rediculous, Mom pulls some bullshit about some cancerous operation that needs to be done on July 1st. Dad thinks she wants me there for the operation. As if I can do any help! For the love of God, doesn't she know that I'd still be there for her even if they ship me off to Seattle before then? How stupid are they?! And just the fact they pulled that with a smile practically makes me still think that it's nothing but bullshit!

I then asked as to why August and why do they want to come out there with me. To kill two birds with one stone was their excuse. Have a vacation and ship me off. I then dropped a line that hopefully if they can get past themselves and think about it for a bit that I found rather logical and rational. I said that if they ship me off now, they can come whenever the fucking feel like it and maybe, just maybe, I'll have some money then to actually treat them! They aren't the ones going; I am! They alreay have their life. It's time I tried to make mine. I also kept telling them that I'd like to go while I know Dan is still there. Maybe that time in August, he isn't there. Then what? What if he gets summoned to Boston again or something and can't be there to do his part. I kept telling them that this is better for us. Send me now and worry about other things later while I know he is still there. I'm tired of being here.

DAMMIT, I WISH FOR ONCE IN THEIR FUCKING LIVES THEY LISTENED TO THE LOGIC BEHIND WHAT I JUST SAID!

Some cancer in the "female body part". God, mom, I'm 19 years old and I took Anatomy. Just say where it is and what it is if you even know.

Once again, I didn't see this comming and my original plan has failed. I hate you Murphy's Law.

Well, all day today, I've been:

1. Thinking about James.
2. Looking up travel prices at Expedia.com.
3. Accendently making edible frisbees (don't ask).
4. Repacking for the final time (hopefully).

There is still the other matter of talking to my folks. I want out. I think now is a good time, cause my aunt helped me repack. She's off to Russia to play tourist and told me some really good packing tips. What are they?

A. Don't fold your cloths! Roll the thin loose clothing into an egg roll like shape and then squeeze them in. Only fold the thick items like sweaters and pants.
B. No matter what the guy behind the ticket counter says, your carry-on must be at least 16 inches and no more than 21 inches. (I had some trouble with that one flight back to Nashvile.)
C. Cameras should be packed in lead-lined bags or retractible camera bags to prevent damage from X-rays. Camera bags are ideal given the current security measures because of their easy-to-seach capibilities.

Ok, enough playing that bitch of a housewife Martha Stewart. I need to get some balls again and tell my folks up front I want out and I want to fly out soon.... preferibly on NWA. Hey, come on. One stop in Memphis and then all the way to Seattle. $924 and it's First Class. Cushie, huh?

I had a converstation with Dan due to the fact that the conversation with the boys went sour cause they don't know me as well as Dan does. That will be easier to deal with when I get up there. And I know how now.

There was something, some trick or something that I did last year that help me get up there. It was as if my parents wanted to get rid of me. Well, not really, but you know. It kind of looked like it. What did I do? The same thing I need to do later. I had to drop them straight out that I don't like it here. There is nothing here. I want to be happy, and I'll be happier in Seattle. If I fail at trying to get a life, then let me fail! I want to go! End of story.

Now to stand my ground and tell them that. Last time I did that, Dad thought I was brainwashed and Mom was crying. Hopefully it will be easier. I mean, I went last year and came back. Besides, two weeks was too short. I need longer.

Uhm, remember how this morning I said I wasn't going to listen to DDRFreak Radio? I guess my love for music and dancing took hold and I ended up listening to it. The new record time now before the stream dropped is an hour now. Wonder what happened. I think there is something wierd with the stream. Oh well. Hopefully I'll get a new computer. Mom's laptop sucks.

At least I know now where Disney got the background music for all those commercials for The Empiror's New Groove. They used a track off their own branch of DDR machines called DDR Disney Rave, specificly "Let's Goove!" Somehow the words "Disney" and "rave" in the same line just don't paint a pretty picture for me. Then again seeing Mickey in a DJ outfit spinning turn-tables with Chip and Dale as ravers is funny too. Oh well, it's better than Britney's poor excuse for a dancing game.

Well, that was fun. My first total black out since... Damn, I wish I knew. Black outs are fun!

(Why did I just blog that? That's a stupid blog.)

From Live365:

Why does the broadcast skip while listening? (Ref. #001006-0001)

Question:

While listening to a Broadcast, I hear a lot of stuttering or skipping in the audio.

Solution:

Make sure your modem connection is the same or higher than the bitrate. (You cannot listen to a 56K bitrate stream with a 28.8K modem.)

I hate having a slow modem... and the radio I want to listen to is at a DSL connection! Booo!

You are using 35% of your storage. Get Extra Storage

Message Summary
Inbox 0 (0 new)
Junk Mail 207 (207 new)

This is what I get for not cleaning out my mail for about a week. I hate spam.

I thought if I saw Episode II all this Star Wars fandom would die down untill Episode III. Shows what I know. I had a dream about clones.

Anyway, I have decided since the ActiveX is screwed up here on the laptop and there is nothing I can do about it to just forget about listening to Live365's brodcast of DDRFreak Raido until I get a new computer. Oh God, that means I won't be able to hear Cafe for awhile! Eh, I still have my CDR with the Dance Dance Revolution 3rd Mega Mix on it to hold me over.

Damn, looks like I just encountered my first problem with this new Live365 radio.

THE PROGRAM KEEPS CUTTING OFF AFTER 15 MINUTES!

There is also this free program that helps reconnect should that every happen, but ActiveX on his computer is so fucked up that I can't take advantage of that player.

God I need a new computer with a DSL.

Well, I had to do it again. I had to sign up for another account to use. Except this one is useful... provided Internet Raido doesn't go bankrupt like TechTV keeps saying it may.

I had to sign up for a Live365 membership to listen to DDRFreak Radio. Hey, it beats looking all over the place for a decent radio that plays Bemani songs while I'm online surfing the web. And this also doubles as my happy music to get my mind off of all the shit that I have to deal with... even if it is temporary.

I wonder if the preset stations will work when if should I move. Hell, that's question seems unimportant now that my big consern is the move itself.

I couldn't sleep. My brain was plaquing me wheit stuff about James and Bill.

I dreamed of trains. James loves trains.
I dreamed that it was Sunday morning just after mass in Opry Mills and there were alot of black people all over the place. Bill thought I was black by the way I IMed, and both like to shop.

Man, I always feel like this after an arguement or some kind of conflict I can't deal with. I have such a high guilt factor. I hate not having anyone to turn to at times like this. Damn it! Chris! Why did I lose contact with you after graduation!? I need to talk to you right now!

Ok, tell me something. Is this the way it is suppose to be?

I feel as if no one is listening to me or that people don't think I listen to them. Either I get what I want or I don't get what I want. I deserve better but I don't get better. What is the deal? Why do people say I can and then say I can't?

I don't know, maybe it's this anger building up again. I feel like the boiling point may have been lowered or something. In any case, everything so far that has happened in the last few hours has made me angry. All this just because I wanted to see a picture of James smiling.

At this point I could live without the pictures I asked for. They can't substitute for the real person anyway. Pictures only give you the idea of what someone looks like in a 2D kind of world. The real joy is in actually seeing them. The whole 3D experiance is better. There you can actually see the person, know how tall they really are, how big they are, how cute they are from all angles. Try doing that with a picture, and the best you can come up with I bet will be one of those head shots that most actors have.

All in all, I feel like I've been used as some sick form of entertainment. I don't like the concept that a friend whom I trusted would do something like this to me. Frame me. I really don't appreciate that. And what's worst, he did it in the name of fun! His way of saying that I'm his friend now. You don't do that to people that are your friends. That's just wrong on so many levels. How can someone do that and think that it is ok for them to do that? And once more, how can that same person think of it as fun? You don't treat friends like they are toys. You treat friends like friends.

What's the point in blogging? No one will listen. I doubt anyone is even reading this and finding it interesting.

Note to self: Never ever make a deal with Bill involving his hacking skills.

He made me look like I did the hack. I'm not even capible of hacking into a porn site! How the hell can I hack into someone elses computer that has a security grid that is practically perfect in every way? I can't believe this. All cause I asked for some pictures of James. Geez, if asking for pictures gets me into this much trouble, I'm better off not knowing anything.

That's twice Bill's made me this pissed off.

I got to talk to James after a weekend without him. I missed talking to him. He's really cool. I like talking to him. When I'm talking to him, I feel like nothing else is important. LIke I'm taken into another world altogether. This is what love is, ladies and gentlemen. As best as I can word it. Take heed or ignore. You're choice, but you will fill like the world is perfect when you meet that one person that has you falling in love. I gaurantee it.

CRAP!!

I did it again!

I had a really good blog and I had to accedently sign out again!!

Today was a good day.

Starting to day off, we went to Opry Mills. It was early, so I popped in about $9 onto my card and waited. There wasn't much of a crowd for me to show off since they just opened. As I waited, I saw a lanky, kind of average guy go on the DDR machine. His style was kind of sketchy and hesiant. Almost like he was afraid to hit the up button. For some reason, I thought of James and how I was going to teach him. Then it clicked me. I never really taught anyone! I've tried, but those little girls I kept coaching every time I see them play the game don't listen. Go figure. They think Britney rules the dance world. Anyway, I decided to analyze his game. Besides the fact that he has a slight one-foot promblem (I don't know which), it looked as if he was a bit too tense. Like he was concentraiting and thinking about what buttons to press. I approached him after he was done and told me what I thought his problem was and began to give him some tips. We also begain to talk about the DDR TourniMIX circet and what was cool and what wasn't. Then when the crowd began to pick up, I jumpped on. After doing my three songs, we talked some more and I gave him a few more tips. We even did a verses mode. Surpizingly and very unacceptedly, he gave me his card with all his contact information. I wanted to be respectful and gave him the URL to this blog. Mistake or not, I don't care. I mean, this URL is already on Yahoo! somewhere. After resting up and after Joe Weaver left, I decided to just play for the hell of it. At one point, I got the attention of someone that gave me a free game! Go me! He looked like a wigged out version of Brian Allison, a hacker skript kiddie and raver I once knew, gone gothic, but as soon as he started talking I knew it wasn't him. Turns out that free game ended up getting the attention of about 3 vacationing families. Think I'm the best? Nope. There is always one better than you. After I went bust, a guy that goes by the BBS name of Shorty (I think) on DDR Freak got the attention of 4 vacationing families, bystanders, and customers sitting in the bar area. Oh well. I was in a good mood even after going bust on that machine. I had a good time, and I got to see some really really cool freestyling up close for a change.

3:00 came and went, and I found myself sitting with my sister at the food court with her friend. Originally, my sister and I made a deal. She didn't think anyone was coming to watch Spiderman with her, so I opted to buy her a watch she had been eying for a while. Well, since I was in a good mood, I decided to help her get it anyway. She didn't believe me at first thinking that I'd want some payback or put her into debt or something. Yeah right! I was just in a good mood, and I wanted her to be in one as well. So, she paid her $18 and I shelled out $10 to make up the differance, and that was that!

With all this good karma going for me, I knew it was a matter of time before my day was shot all to hell. I mean, come on! My track record clearly shows that whenever I have a good day, something bad happens before I hit the bed. Well, I think this was it. And I must say the dark side is really starting to lose it's punch when it's trying to disappoint me. What am I talking about? Read this letter I got from DigiPen:

Thank you for your application to DigiPen Institute of Technology. We regret to inform you that you do not meet the requirements for the 3D Computer Animation program, and have therefore not been accepted to the course at this time.

Figures.

We encourage you to upgrade your art skills through college or university level coursework and re-apply to the DigiPen Insitute of Technology for the next admissions cycle, for the academic year beginning September 2003.

I bet they say that to all the rejects. Oh well. I knew I wasn't going to get in from the start. Maybe that's why I wasn't as shocked. I mean, my whole effort was half-assed anyway. I haven't done any art work since my computer crashed back in December of 2000. I've been using the laptop and the iMac since, and neither of them have the art programs I need. On top of that, what does DigiPen mean by saying they encourage to upgrade my skills through college level courses? Are they actually saying that I need to go to another college before I go to them? I knew my major when I was only 4 years old!! Anyway, thinking that shot my day after meantioning it as a general statement to the family in the car ride back from Opry Mills and the post office, mom attempted to cheer me up by allowing me to buy a few (or, rather four) bags of the Prawn Crackers I like for the International Market. Guess she didn't want me depressed when I have to cook for them later.

Then, when we got home at about 5:00, I had the honor of cooking. About halfway through, dad left me in the kitchen, and mom & Jess went to sleep to the CDs. Now how can my own mother sleep through Sum 41 is beyound me. If my sister can do it, apparently, so can she. No big anyway. I ended up doing everything just fine after everyone decided to leave for NeverNeverland. And it tasted damn good too. In case you are wondering, we had burgers. I had to grill the patties, toast the buns, and then grill these giant portabella mushrooms! Good eating, I say.

Damn, and to think I said yesturday that I don't blog as long as I used to when I'm happy.

Ah, Memorial Day Weekend. The time when people leave their homes to shop for discounts, look for hot dogs and hamburgers, and shoot off fireworks like it's the Fourth of July in celebration of the veterans.

It's also a prime time to show off at Opry Mills on the DDR machine.

I meantioned this to my sister, so it looks like I'll end up tagging alone to play while they watch Spiderman. Works out good, don't it? I get to spend the rest of my card there. That's only about $5, so that should get me a few rounds. Unless I feel like tapping into my wallet again. Hey, what can I say? That game is my obession and my exercise all in one. And it also helps with socializing some.

I told James about my effort to break my diet. I don't know if he was excited about it as much as I was. I can never tell these things online. Hopefully in person I will know.

Then again, I am still wondering about the reaction my mom and dad had last night about what I said about Dan's situation. I wonder if they took it seriously or if they took it as if it was a grain of salt. And that was in person. I have got some major problems then if I can't tell if my own parents are serious or not.

Man, if only I could afford some professional help that won't put me on some dead drug as some fake cure just so he can get the big bucks. I want someone that will listen to me for a change and help me figure out what the hell is wrong is me. I wonder if those free doctors do a good job. I heard their are a few free clinics in Seattle.

By the way, it looks as if I'm definately going now. On the surface of it, it looks like my chances of going to DigiPen are the driving force behind it. Actually, I'd like to think it's the fact that I actually (however, half-assed) applied to DigiPen that's got them willing to send me up now. As if I have a shot of getting in. Who knows? I sure don't.

Man, my blogs have been getting shorter and shorter. Guess I'm really losing it or I just don't have anything to talk about anymore. I know that will change soon, though. It always does.

Well, I did it. I did two things tonight that I'm sortta proud of.

First off, I delivered the new information about Dan's situation to my folks. Their last arguement? Don't take advantage of his hospitality and don't get used to it. Like that's going to happen. Seriously, they think I'm going to mooch off of him when the fact still remains that I didn't even bother him one bit while I was up there for only two weeks. Frankly, I think I only got them to see the conviance of location. To quote my mother, "It all depends." Depends on what?

Second, I broke my diet!! Well, kind of. I ate some chinese chicken dishes. The boneless spare rib I ate didn't go down to well no matter how well (or poorly) I faked it with the Lo Mein. Oh well. Baby steps. At least I did it.

Tonight's Fortune Cookie Wisdom
You have a heart of gold. Major blush...

Waking up this morning, I felt really good. Not as good if I had James sleeping next to me, but still really good. Even though it was nearly noon, I still woke up with some kind of vigor in my blood. An energy that was strangely like adrenalin or something.

My immediate task as of right now is to forward some clearing information to my parents about Dan's little predicament. I don't know how I'll be able to do that, but I'll try my best. Frankly, I think that my leaving this town all depends on if I get accepted or not. If I'm not, then I'll still try to get up there. The information I know is the only way right now should that happen.

I haven't been blogging much. I wonder why? Guess I don't really have much to talk about. Either that, or words cannot express what I feel anymore. Eh, I don't know. I'm treating this like a journal anyway, so if something happens, then it happens!

I have a new obession now as far as games go. Don't get me wrong. DDR is still going to be number one, but now I'm obessed about learning a card game. Not just any card game. The game that revolves around the GBC game Yu-Gi-Oh! Dark Duels. Their marketing is stupidly greedy. If you have the game, you can import the real cards from the card game via an eight digit pass code. Thing is, you can find all 800 of the pass codes anywhere! Even here. Oh well, I still would like the cards to play with... even if I have no possible way of holding let alone finding all 800+ cards. No wonder they said games like that and Magic the Gathering will eat your money away.

I thought sleep could help cure it. I thought I it was just fatigue somewhere in that thick yet empty head of mine.

I don't get it sometimes. I feel as if I can't even do anything right. I screwed up James's hard work to get Bill to listen to me all cause he was being a stubburn ass about things thinking he ruled the world as some God. I feel just awful. I'll never be able to talk to anyone. In fact, the only way I'll ever talk to anyone it seems is if I talk about games or something superficial. Once I get them involved in my so-called life, all hell breaks loose. I guess I'm only good for one thing. Being a freaky geek fanboy of the gaming world.

Well, since games are the only thing I'm good at, I might as well see if I can find a copy of Yu-Gi-Oh and start joining the Collectible Card game circet.... five minutes late, as usual.

Too much is going on to blog it right let alone live and on time.

First off, my transcript was sent via "snail mail" and due to timing, DigiPen didn't get it till a few days ago. I won't know if I'm offically accepted or not untill about a week from now. I doubt I'll get accepted.

I'm trying to convince my parents that Dan doesn't intend to leave for Boston as soon as they think he is. That misunderstanding is preventing me from actually being able to stay at Dan's for awhile untill I get on my feet and is able to join the working force of America. Provided I don't get accepted that is. Even if I do get accepted, I could always default back to the following year so that I will have done what I need to do right. We'll see since this all depends on DigiPen now. I have very little control over it, it seems.

Now, even if I can go back to Dan's, Bill is still there. And he hates me still after what has happened about a week or so ago. I'm also deathly afraid of what he may do to me. He hit James over the head with a lamp because he was going to tell me something Bill didn't want me to know about. AND HE LOVES JAMES! If he can do that to someone he loves, imagine what he can do to someone he hates like me. I'm afraid that he may accedently kill me. I told him this, but he doesn't think that's possible. I know it's possible. If he gets angry enough, be could kill me. He hates me that much. In fact, he hates me so much that he doesn't wnat me to go after James as a boyfriend or more. He doesn't want me in his family. I found this out when he offered a deal towards me when I told him what I wanted from him. His forgiveness and his friendship for my denial of what my heart feels. I couldn't do that. It only shows that I would never truely have his forgiveness. It shows that he will always hate me. He will be the death of me. I can feel it.

Guess what I got in the mail that was dated May 15, 2002?

This letter is to inform you that The DigiPen Institute of Technology has received your application for admissions for the school year beginning September 2002. However, the following pieces of information are missing:

* Official high school transcripts

I knew I wasn't going to be accepted, but I never saw that one comming. How strange.

Well, if there ever was a Made-for-TV moment in my life, this was it.

I got my mother's suitcase she used to go to San Antonio. I unpacked my three foot bag I used for the Italy trip about two years ago to fill the other one. After I put eveything in, I tried to close it, but it wouldn't. I didn't want to try sitting on it, cause the gap was more than an inch. I had to do another 20-80 rule. I ended up leaving behind a few sweaters and other ugly pieces of clothing I don't wear anymore or is small on me.

Well, at least I got it to close. Still, looking at what's inside, I think I'm investing and placing too much trust with the airport luggage handling capiblities. I mean, I got some irreplacible stuff in there. Oh well. I haven't lost any luggage yet.

And I really need to invest in a bright purple suitcase...

They are impossible! Simply impossible!

Last night, I had a realization. A forced realization. I'm pathetic as far as what I can do and how I do things to get what I want. I hate it. I tried to change it tonight by finally laying it down to them. Trying to say to them what I want. I couldn't even do that.

Mom came back from San Antonio. I took the car ride home to try to tell them that I want to go to Seattle even if DigiPen doesn't accept me. Then they slapped me with something unexpected. Mom said that if I do get accepted that they will come down to Seattle with me and celebrate by seeing the campus and having a vacation up there again. The good thing is they will be leaving by the time school starts in August down here in Nashville. I tried to argue with them that they aren't the ones going so they shouldn't even have to see the campus, but no way. I even asked if pictures of the campus would hold them over. No deal. Then I asked what they would do if I wasn't accepted. Honestly, I'm not expecting to get accepted given my poor effort into it. As well as any mother, she said in her little maternal way that they may send me. Their only gripe is that I don't have a place to say. I told them that I really did, but thanks to a misunderstanding several nights ago when Dan called, they think that he is leaving. Then in true jet-lag fashion, she went to bed.

Amazing how much damage can be done by something as small as a misunderstanding...

Also amazing is the fact that even though I won two online arguements--one of which applies to the newly given factors--I lost this one because I couldn't get a word in. Who stopped my from talking? My gabby little sister. I don't know why, but she just had to nag and nag about this and that and blah blah blah. At one point I told her to shut up because I didn't want to hear any more about how Robyn is such a bitch to her. And, as always the case when I do something to either inturrupt her or shut her up, she snapped back at me like a straved wolf. I really don't think she realizes that I need to talk sometimes, and just cause she needs to get something off her chest verbally doesn't mean that I don't have that same right. It's just like that during dinner. She does all the talking, and mom and dad treat her with all the attention. All cause she can't shut up about trivial things.

It's times like this I start to think that I'll never be heard.

Today was indeed a good day.

It started rather boring, I must admit. I woke unnaturally early and really couldn't go back to sleep. I decided to then just get up and go about the day. Just go with the flow. Looks like it paid off in full.

After helping my dad do some store shoping at Sysco, we dropped by the Hollywood 27 to look at times. Apparently the Force was with me. The next showing was no more than 20 minutes away from when we arrived. At the speed of light, the next thing I knew I was pocketing my dad's emergancy cell phone and carrying $6 to the ticket booth. I got my ticket and sat in the theater to watch the movie that I have been dying to see these past few days. I only have one thing to say about that movie up front. The reviewers were WRONG! The movie was great! Some of the questions were answered, but one still remains. When will those droids get their memory erased?! I mean, those two have been everywhere TWICE now as far as Tatoonie is concerned. And personally, I didn't care much for the puns and running gag they had with C-3PO during that one battle scene. It was so stupid, that even one if the Jedis looked like he was about to laugh. Maybe that's how he was directed. And yes, it was kind of a romance movie. There was definately that included. A bit chliched, but still a good preformance. Other than that, the technology and storytelling was the best as it can be compared to the previous four. The tention, the effects, the battles. Everything was perfect.

Given what has happened in the last few days, I'm happy that everything is going the way it is. Now I face only one last trial before I can be truely happy.

Bill...

I don't know why, but I can't seem to enjoy today.

Bored out of my mind, I ended up watching all eight hours of the Star Wars movies I have on tape. While it bedded the hunger to see Episode II, the commercials did nothing more but cause more want to see the movie. Maybe I could try this weekend or something. Weekend crowds are good sometimes.

Another thing plaguing my mind that I have failed to meantions is the result of the e-mails I sent to James and Bill. These past few days have been rough on myself. I tried to cover it up as best I could with this obsession with Star Wars, but I just can't mask it whenever I sign online as well. I can't help thinking of them.

The e-mails I sent to them was the first time I told them how important they really are to me. I still feel like they were a gift from God for all my suffering during the times most were able to make friends. I want to feel that way. Lately, however, I feel as if Fate is playing a sick game of poker with me with my future, my very life, on the table and me holding a bad hand. I dunno, maybe I'm just being depressed again, but I have been feeling guilty for the last few days.

I've also felt rather lonely too.

Opens Today: Star Wars: Episode II

Too bad I don't have opening night tickets. I like opening night better. More thrilling. More people in the theater.

Oh well, it's only a movie. I'll see it eventually.

Somewhere between watching Luke battle with Darth Vader and the second Death Star getting blown up, I had a realization.

These past few days I have been selfish beyound compare.

Thinking of myself and now caring about the well being of others. Wanting material things like going to see Episode II. Seeking gain in profit and assets. The biggest assests I could ever aquire can't be bought, and I lost sight of that. I just became so hungry for things that I normally don't care about as much as I have been. I have concentraited on myself and no one else. I've been wreckless. I have hurt the ones I care about the most to the point where they will ultimately be the end of me, my future, my life. All because I acted so heartless.

The guilt is back, and this time, I fear it is here to stay.

I woke up to the sound of all the nesting birds tweeting for morning food, a picture of that cute guy that plays Darth Vader as a teenager in Episode II, and the faint sound of Duel of the Fates playing in my head.

I really got it bad.

Oh well, time to watch Empire Strikes Back Special Edition as a way of bedding my hunger to go to the new film opening tomorrow.

Guilt came and went as quick as the sun it seems. With the rage and anger gone, the dust settled, and I finally realized what has happened. The words from last night, the actions, the effects of them. I had hoped that they would never see me that mad, that pissed off to where I wasn't myself. Do I have any regrets? Not really. They have said the same things to me before about being 19 and not being able to move. Should I have any regrets for saying that being 15 and afraid of the dark is just as pathetic? Some may call it mean and cold hearted. Dare I say, some may even call that insulting. I say it's no different from what I keep getting about my age.

The guilt cause little sleep. Awake I was for hours on ends. Those breif moments I was asleep, I had more dreams of the future. Dreams that felt too real to be imaginative. A war is coming. I can feel it. And for some reason it will happen when I'm in high school for a second time. I really hope I'm not phycic. Several other dreams I had, each just weird and bizzare. One of an elevator to an airplane with a dining room in first class; another of being a Jedi Knight; blips of images of being what I've always wanted to be. Happy. Insecuraty, not wanting to live the day, and, among other things, just plan not wanted to leave the dreams behind kept me in my bed till the dreams stopped coming. The time I actually left bed and faced this world we call reality was 15:00, the lastest I've ever physically gotten out of bed.

A couple hours later, Mom left for San Antonio. On our way back from the airport, we picked up some items, one of which was the VHS version of Episode I. I tapped into my so-called emergancy money to pay for it. Better that than never getting a ticket for Episode II. My father tried to grasp why I wanted to watch the movie and what was so special about it. I was smiling slightly inside at this attempt to try to get to know me. Charming, but yet late.

Prior to blogging, I watched the tape. Once again, as with all the Star Wars tapes I have, I was thrown into a world of war and termoil and of heros. I didn't care about seeing the next one for those two hours I sat in my dark room lit only by the television. I felt like all was right in the world. A feeling I haven't felt since I left Dan's.

Now I'm left with only one thought and a feeling of suspision as to why she asked about the Housing Project at DigiPen...

I hate the fact that I'm braindead in all things important.

I'm also angry at how gullible I am. An idiot in every fashion. I embody it. I don't see why people like me, or even say they like me. I'm not that great in anything. All I am is a fuck up who can't talk to anyone without some kind of lawyer-like guidance as to what to say when and how to say it and what is appropriate to say when.

You can't trust anyone it seems. Privacy is non-existing. I'm better off living in the Netherlands where they never close their window blinds! And the fact that I was blind to this just makes it even more obvious that I'm stupid.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE WORLD REALLY WORKS!

Plain and simple right there. Why do I even bother trying to talk to people? Is it cause I'm tired of being alone? Is it cause I want some kind of attention that I'm not getting? What is it?

And this anger. This fucking fire that just is burning. Tonight has been one of those night where nothing is going right and every possible thing that can go wrong has. This burning rage. If I was a fighter, I'd hate to see what kind of damage this can do.

Yeah, everything is going wrong tonight. I can't even blog right.

God, with Episode II out, Star Wars have dominated my head from all angles! Ironically, it's also the same way with my sister.

Her band class was watching Episode I, and she wants to know what happens since they never finished the movie. What's funny is that since the whole storyline is kindda screwd up, she said that she would only watch Star Wars after the first three new ones come out before the watches the original trilogy. Good plan I think. Then she can see if Lucas did a good job linking the movie.

Oh well, looks like I won't be seeing Episode II for a while... like until it comes out on video. There goes the big screen feel I like.

Another strange night.

First off, I'm glad I decided to sign off, cause a huge thunder and lightning storm passed by as soon as I got to bed no more than 5 mins later.

Then I had a dream stranger than anyting! I must have had Star Wars on the mind, cause I dreamed I was a foot soldier in the Clone Wars in Episode II. Fun dream, really, but still strange.

Anyway, speacking of Star Wars, I repacked yet again to move my Star Wars SE tapes to my bags. I can't leave home without them. Now all I need to do is leave!

I think I found the coolest (or at least the youngest) pro wrestling association online! Junior Pro Wrestling Association has got some really REALLY young and cute wrestlers on their roaster. Check out "Fake Ben" and Sasha if you can. The site is still fairly new though and they haven't updated since the 3rd, but it's worth a look.

And no, I'm not trying to sell the site to get money or anything. I just like wrestling... ALOT.

Aiya, what a day!

First, we went to the Frist Art Center. It is probibly the only art gallery in the entire city with a regular attendance rate, but at least it has a few things that I liked. One thing in particular was a moving sculpture called Recurring Dreams by Gregory Barsamian. Basically it's a seires of figures that are rotating at a high speed and synced to a strobe light. The result looks like a choppy animation similar to the era of film's birth. The other thing I liked was the interaction area where you could make and learn how to be an artist. I was wanted to show off some, but the people weren't coming in as often as they were when we got in. Hey, I'm an attention hog.

After that we went to the only international shop in the city to pick up some items for a BBQ. We also picked up some Prawn Crackers to snack on. They aren't really crackers since they look like french fries, but they are a good snack food from the Asian area. Right up there with instant noodles.

After everyone was rested up and I had programed my parents VCR to record a Star Wars Fan Film Fest (since I can't go to see Episode II), I ended up doing the grilling. While I was doing the burgers, I heard once again what Bill said one night about how I can't be socially accepted at most BBQs cause I don't eat steak and ribs. I also started to think back to every BBQ I've been to and found something rather interesting. All the BBQs and picnics and beach parties that I've gone to always had either hot dogs and/or burgers. Meat products I eat. Am I to conculde that those aren't really BBQs when I thought they were?

Oh well, I don't want to ruin a good day. I think my IMs later tonight will do that... as always.

I better blog this fast before I forget it.

I had a strange dream. I dreamed I was a Muslum during the time of Ghandi's death. I don't get it either.

Weird. I saw a commercial for Brink! on Disney, and I didn't get all hot and lovestruck when Erik von Detten was on screen. Yeah, I still think he's cute and all, since I like that kind of look. I just think it's weird that I didn't have my normal reaction. I wonder if this means what I think it does. I'll find out soon enough.

Who said treasure hunts were stupid? I found a really really nice loot just cleaning my room! First were some picture that I forgot about. The second is something I want to share with you right now on this blog. It's an essay I had to write a commentary on for my Junior Year English Final in high school.

School vs. Education
by Russell Baker

By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education and be redy to enter school. If the child has been attentive in these preschool years, he or she will already have mastered many skills.

From television, the child will have learned how to pick a lock, commit a fairly elaborate bank holdup, prevent wetness all day long, get the laundry twice as white, and kill people with a variety of sophisticated armaments.

From watching this parents, the child, in many cases, will already know how to smoke, how much soda to mix with wihiskey, what kind of language to use when angry, and how to violate the speed laws without getting caught.

At this point, the child is ready for the second stage of education, which occurs in school. There, a variety of lessons may be learned in the very frist days.

The teacher may illustrate the economic importance of belonging to a strong union by closing down the school before the child arrives. Fathers and mothers may demonstrate to the child the social cohesion that can be built on shared hatred by demonstrating their dislike for children whose pigmentation displeases them. In the latter event, the child may recieve visual instruction in techniques of stoning buses, cracking skulls with a nightstick, and subduing mobs with tear gas. Formal education has begun.

During formal education, the child learns that life is for testing. This stage last twelve years, a period during which the child learns that success comes from telling testers what they want to hear.

Early in this stage, the child learns that he is either dumb or smart. If the teacher puts intelligent demands upon the child, the child learns he is smart. If the teacher expects little of the child, the child learns he is dumb and soon quits bothering to tell the testers what they want to hear.

At this point, education becomes more subtle. The child taught by school that he is dumb obseres that neither he, she, nor any of the many children who are even dumber, ever fails to be promoted to the next grade. From this, the child learns that while everybody talks a lot about the virtue of being smart, there is little incentive to stop being dumb.

What is the point of school, besides attendance? the child wonders. As the end of the first formal stage of education approaches, school answers this question. The point is to equip the child to enter college.

Children who have been taught they are smart have no difficulty. they have been happily telling testers what they want to hear for twelve years. Being artists at telling testers what they want to hear, they are admitted to college joyously, where they promptly learn that they are the hope of America.

Children whose education had been limited to adjusting themselves to their schools' low estimates of them are addmitted to less joyous colleges which, in some cases, may teach them how to read.

At this stage of education, a fresh question arises for everyone. If the point of lower education was to get to college, what is the point of college? The answer is soon learned. The point of college is to prepare the student--no longer a child now--to get to graduate school. In college, the student learns that it is no longer enough simply to tell the tester what they want to hear. Many are tested for graduate school; few are admitted.

Those excluded may be denied valuable certificates to prosper in medicine, at the bar, in the corporate boardroom. The student learns that the race is to the cunning and often, alas, to the unprincipled.

Thus, the student learns the importance of destroying competitors and emerges richly prepared to play his role in the great simmering melodrama of American life.

Afterward, the former student's destiny fulfilled, his life rich with Oriental carpets, rare porcelain, and full bank accounts, he may one day find himself with the leisure and the inclination to open a book with a curious mind, and start to become educated.

This morning, I did my normal sexual fantasy that I'll never be able to live out. I couldn't really do it though. I couldn't go all the way. While I was jacking off, I kept hearing and seeing that one IM from last night saying that I was weird and socially unacceptible cause I can't eat meat right.

I don't know what's wrong with my body. I really don't. I can't eat meat unless it's processed a certain way. Steaks, ribs, and chicken off the bone can't be swallowed by me, yet, for some reason, I can handle hamburgers and popcorn chicken just fine. I like to think of it as it being like some lactose intolerant cases. Some can eat some cheese cause of the way it's processed even though it's a lactose product and they can't handle milk. I guess I'm like that and can't handle meat unless it's processed a certain way.

But to say that it's unacceptible socially? I might as well lock myself in a cave and grow food on the hillside outside. I could live off of corn if I had to all by myself. Ok, that was a bit drastic, but you get my point.

Heh, discrimination against semi-vegies. I never thought I'd see the day let alone a hint that that would happen.

The world is going to Hell...

Ok, I feel as if I'm getting tortured by the entertainment industry.

For starters, I just realised that Star Wars: Attack of the Clones opens next week. I'm upset at the fact that I do not have advanced tickets to go to any of the showings! Jess says to wait till the hype goes down and watch it after the first few days are done. Where's the fun in that? I've been to a Star Wars opening night before with Episode I, and it was fun! A theater full of people watching and cheering and enjoying the movie with you. It's better than being on of, say, a dozen people in a theater able to fit about 140+.

Second, I'm worried that this movie being lisenced under Columbia/TriStar is going to be botched up. They haven't released a date let alone a press release that they will be using the original cast for the dubbing. My worst fears for this film? Well, the Twin Towers make an apperance as well as various Coca-Cola ads and a pack of Malburo smokes. If those get deleted or replaced or something, there goes the pop referances. Besides, the setting is in the year 2171 or something like that. By then, I bet the Twin Towers, or at least a replica, will be rebuild by then. The second one is that they won't do a good dubbing job. If I was incharge, I'd have the original production for the show come in, do their job, and then put the C/TS logos in the front to make it look pretty. You know, kindda like how Disney says Toy Story was their film but Pixar did all the work? Lastly, and most likely the sign that all good things have come to an end entertainment wise, is if they rewrite the music to it! They do that, and I swear there are going to be alot of angry fans out there. Man, if only I had some kind of connection to the department of Columbia/TriStar that is responsible for destributing this movie...

My family is nothing more but a bunch of rams butting heads at the slightest bit that could piss off us.

Argue, misunderstandings, frustrations, simply interrupting. We seem to get so easily pissed off at each other cause either we aren't being listened or someone doesn't understand what they are hearing. At times I feel we are on the other side of the planet.

We're all idiots. The whole world. So a world of peace? I don't see it. Not if confilct like this can cause a household to simply run back to their little confort zone because of something so stupid. Fighting is stupid. Wars are stupid. Killing people is stupid. See? We are idiots to think that we could have peace in a world with anger and weapons and the ablity to kill with our bare hands. If I was God, I would get rid of everything I considered poison to humanity. Thing is I'm not, and I can't. I can never be God nor even have that kind of power. Those that think they can, well, you have my pity. If you can control the world and mold it to how you like it, then fix it cause I can't and, frankly, no one can. And yes, I'm an idiot to say that.

Getting like this makes me want to lock myself into a safe room (AKA a Panic Room) and blare music till I'm as happy as a stoned hippie. Too bad I don't have one of those rooms in this house... like I'll ever have one anyway.

Ok, this is going to feel really strange. I haven't typed with one hand since before typing classes, but I have to. I'm holding an ice pack to my hurt left eye.

Anyway, last night was very nice. A person I deamed straight switched sides! And the best part is, he's perfect for me! He fits every nook and cranny that I could ever need in a boy! I'm really trying hard to keep cool with him, as he is. Words just can't describe how perfect I think he is to me. And the strange thing is that I didn't see it coming either!

Well, nice timing, I think. The do say "love is blind", and right now, I am in one eye.

Even more strange things involving the human body!

When I woke up from my afternoon nap about 4 hours ago, my left eye was hurting. On closer examination, it looks like something bite it or I hit it somehow. Either way, it's partly swollen shut. I kindda looks like half my face is asleep or paralyzed or something. Jess thinks it's a bug bite. Oh well.

Thanks to Jessica finding out that humans with five fingers is a ressesive trait and the dominate trait is really SIX fingers, I had a dream where I was taking a shower and noticed I had an extra pinky. My mind sure loves to fuck around with me sometimes while I'm dreaming...

Out of boredom and cause I haven't watched the movie in forever, I watched Independance Day today. Thing is, that movie is only one of 3 LaserDiscs we bought for entertainment.

For those of you that don't know and/or are too lazy to look it up on Google yourself, a LaserDisc (LD) is the precursor to the DVD standard we have now. See, back in the early 1990s when audio and gaming CDs started to take off, some companies produced this item for showing movies in theater-like environment. The only drawback was they had to do a double-sided burn. LDs couldn't hold the data of the film on one small disc either like today's modern DVDs. ID4, for example, came in 2 LDs with 3 sides of data. The compression technology back then was so bad that LDs were seen as giant CDs averaging about the size of the old vinal albums back in the record era of my parents. You know, the things those DJs scratch? That's about the average size of a LD. Since then, compression technology has become so advanced that LDs are considered old-hat and way to hokey. Kind of like those 5 inch floppy disks for computers.

Anyway, now that that lesson is over. Let me introduce you to James Duval!


He was in ID4.

Just a side note. The only reason I bring him up is because he was the very first guy back during puberty that I thought was attractive. Little triva there. Still, he is cute, no? Not really my type, but eh...

For the first time since finding DigiPen, I am not thinking about my application that much. Hell, I'm not expecting to get in anyway.

This morning I had a little playful fantasy based on something I found out last night resulting in a nice dream.

Then, for some reason, I ended up watching Little House. I have to admit, I feel really bad that even back then when that was filmed, the boys looked so much better than me. That Native American boy that they had looked more Latino to me. What do I know anyway? It's just Hollywood. Still, some of the boys there were cute. The episode in itself I liked as well. Good content about how descrimination is still around even when you don't think it is and how you have to sometimes accept what you don't like.

If you can't like God's creation, well, you got problems then.

And there went the rest of my day today.

Mom took the liberty to retype my personal essay with corrections Jessica and her thought would make it better. Turns out they made it worst. They misread sentances and edited them wrong, but commas in one too many places, put a semi-colon where there shouldn't be one. Mom sounded more at fault to it, cause she kept saying "I did this and that cause this didn't make sense" when she came home for lunch. I really wish she knew English better... or at least me better.

This is why Shakespeare didn't have an editor.

Now that was one hell of a wake up call.

I just got an e-mail with the time stamp of 02:52 this morning. A very serious, extremely angry e-mail from Dan. I'm not going to copy and paste the e-mail here because, well, it's my mail. It's for my eyes only. If I have to show it, you're going to have to bring in a lawyer.

In a nutshell, however, the e-mail said that I have a major problem. Both parties on either end of the IM link have been treating the other like they were something they aren't. That is causing major confict between our potential friendship. Dan is caught in the middle of the crossfire. And, DAMN is he pissed! I've never seen him this mad before. Well, as far as e-mails go. I'd hate to see him that pissed in person. The bottom line is that each side must either cut communications or at least try to be friends and give a fair chance to the other.

I'm willing to try again, but I don't think Aaron is let alone anyone else on the other end.

So much for my good day yesturday...

Spanglish Blog! (This is how my sister would talk sometimes. I'm using Google's Language Tools again. Apologies in advance for bad grammer and misuse of words.)

Man, am I tired, but for a different reason. Today was muy bueno y muy relajando.

First off, to start the day. We went to the annual Craft Fair in Centennial park that is held next to the life-size replica of the Greek Parthanon. Había muchos perros, y el fango era un problema al caminar en la hierba. Still, the art was impressive.

Next, we rested out tired feet at escuela de mi pequeña hermana. There was a Jazz Band concert going on in their enclosed courtyard. Being a music lover, I enjoyed it. The band preformed well. Hard to believe that they are still in high school if you close your eyes.

Finalmente conseguí jugar Dance Dance Revolution según lo convenido entre mi madre y yo. Needless to say, I wore the wrong kind of shoe. Malditos mocassins.

After that, we had dinner at TGIFridays. (¿Vea? Dije que comeríamos en un resturant. No era alimento mejicano, sin embargo.) Our server looked had the hair of Rider Strong, the voice of Shane McDermott, and a combination of Erik von Detten and that guy that plays Lucky on General Hostpical (Jacob something...) in facial features. Él era muy lindo. I wanted to leave him a big tip like Aaron does if the servers he gets are cute.

When we got home, I finished signing the application for DigiPen. Now all that is left is moving. Something I'm rather questionable about, but I'm going to feel things out (hopefully) on what's up with Dan and the boys in Sea Town. Santa Maria, please help me. (Whoa! Where'd that come from?) I really hope they aren't mad at me to the point where they will be all "Debemos olvidarnos sobre él y hacer que él hace cosas su propia manera."

Hmm... now I know why I have such and odd look at my sister whenever she talks like this. Oh well, hora para mi rutina en línea generalmente.

Dios, no sé porqué desperté esto temprano. Cuando me levanté, el primer pensamiento que tiró a través de mi cabeza era que era día del juego. Segundo era que era Cinco de Mayo. Bien, puesto que es un día de fiesta mejicano, las ocasiones son buenas que comeremos hacia fuera esta noche.

Y apenas para la diversión, estoy utilizando las herramientas de la lengua de Google para fijar esto en español. Esperanza que usted tiene gusto de leer mi primer blog bilingüe.

God, I don't know why I woke up this early. When I got up, the first thought that shot through my head was that it was Game Day. The second one was that it was Cinco de Mayo. Well, since it is a Mexican holiday, chances are good that we will eat out tonight.

And just for fun, I'm using Google's Language Tools to post this in Spanish. Hope you like reading my first bilingual blog.

It's amazing how fast work can change your mood.

First off, after my first blog of the day, I went to Kinkos and printed and copied my pictures. I think I impressed one of the workers there with my art. I'm not sure. Mom, however, was all "Ooooooo" and "Aaahhh" showing that she hasn't noticed my artisitic talents recently. Eh, no big. It's been awhile since she let alone anyone has seen my works.

I needed a new hair gel and ended up buying some Kiwi Wax (No, not the shoe polish.) while my parents got their hair cut. Smells good too. Too bad it looks like a container of candle wax rather than hair gel. Hair products these days. At least I'm not dying my hair.

Lastly on our rounds, I picked up the binder and protective covering for the portfolio. When we got home, I immediately dated some index cards and slipped them in with the print outs and copies. I figured that the pieces would stick out some since the application checklist said the binder had to be about the size of the paper. I didn't know it would be a full half an inch.

So I'm almost done. All I need is to fill out the damn forum, and then that's it. I'll do that later. Right now, I need to check my mail for today. I have to clean out all that spam before I get that stupid e-mail saying that they won't deliver my mail since I used up all their free space. Damn money grabbers...

God I feel awful. No words I can blog down could successfully describe what I'm feeling right now.

Today, I'm going through my pictures to see what one I could send in my half-ass application.

Wish I had a private FTP so I could load one up that tells you how I feel right now.

God, today has been so... boring, so empty. It seems most of the things I was doing went to rock bottom after I got through with Aaron and took my nape hoping that things would get better when I woke up. I know, I'm an idiot to think that.

I woke up strangely early today. I typed up my half-assed personal essay and signed it like the forum asked. The only thing left now is to go through all my pictures and pick ten to be sent. I already have five picked out from my sketchbook. Those were easy. The digital ones, however, required me to sit down and actually analize them. Kind of hard to do, really. The only problem I have with it is trying to find out how to print them so they are in ample quality and are jaggy free.

I really wish I knew where to find that MP3 for No Reply since JazzMess took all their MP3s off to save money due to over bandwithing. It's a rainy day, and sure could use that song right now after talking with Aaron... if you consider me lobbing a question over and getting a one word answer back talking.

I really need that limited edition, out-of-print soundtrack...

FINALLY, a rough draft I'm happy with!

I decided to use mom's tatic of bribery against her. I thew a deal at her similar to what she's been throwing at me. I need some DDR time, but with his essay being top priority and with no way to get there, I had to pull something. So, I made her a deal. I get the damn essay done by Saturday; we go to Jillian's for some DDR time on Sunday. She bought it, and I started working on the rough draft.

My mindset going into it was simple. Treat it like you would a blog. Just hit the max and then stop. Easy, right? Well, I went twenty-four words over on my first paragraph. I told my sister that apparently I talk to much and that's why. She said to just delete the bullshit from it. If that was the case, half the paragraph would go. In any event, I have Friday to type it up on the iMac (since that's all it's good for) and then hand it off to mom so she can FedEx it out.

It may not impress the college board, but at least I got some DDR time out of it.

Note to self: Get better hair gel.

I really wish sometimes I looked as good as... oh, I don't know, Matt Lawrance of the Lawrance Brothers on TV or even that one guy from that movie about some house they won going AWOL on them. It sucks that I've sunk to this level.

Guys have to be lean and hold six-pack abs with a nice golden tan and a car worthy of driving around with hit shirt off; girls have to be a size 0 and a perfect 5' 10" with big boobs and a nice butt. Superfical things to arouse the even most easily pleased. The whole world has been thrown into this mindset thanks to television that if you don't look a certain way, you aren't cool. You never see REAL men modeling, or for that matter REAL women on the cover of some fashion mag you pick up from the grocery news stand. But no, they have to put Leonardo DiCaprio in front of the camera just cause he looks good. I really thought we were all pass that whole "looking on the outside" thing, but I guess that stops short of if your black or white.

I have to admit, I am in that kind of catagory where unless someone looks a certain way I won't be attracted to it much. I wish I wasn't there, but it's rather hard to do that when you're like me and are wooed by the next semetrical face that walks by. (I say semetrical because they have found out that the most attractive people have the most cemetrical facial structures. In other words, half of their face is a mirror image of the other half which is more pleasing to the eye sight.) Yes, I do realize that is also very superfical of me, but let me pose you a scenario. Have you ever thought about how nice a person is? Just cause they look nice and act nice and suave doesn't mean that they are like that all the time. It's like most tropical plants. The look pretty, but they can be deadly. I'm not saying that all good looking people are jerks, but there are some that are so blinded by their flawless skin or their size C breast that they can be. Yet another case of where beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then I need a better pair glasses.

While watching about 30 mins worth of Airborne on Disney to get my mind off things, I had a realization.

Watching movies are no fun unless you have someone to watch them with you.

I also realized that Blogger seems to like to torture me when I want to post a whitty one-liner. Bad technology! Bad! Maybe it's me and my theory about how I'm a walking magnet.

In any event, here's a pic of the lead character.



Ok, ok, I'm a sucker for the cute surfer type. Lay off; it's just an infatuation, a silly soown of a crush. And don't you act like you haven't had one of those. I mean, how do you explain the fan base of *NSync or Toby Maguire or even Erik Von Detten?

I can't do it!! I just can't do it!

I got no more than about 5 sentances into the first paragraph, and I already started hated it. Grammatical errors left and right, spelling mistakes. And overall? It sounded like I was sucking up to their butts! "Why did you pick DigiPen? Cause you guys offer a course no one else does; cause you're cheaper." How anal can you get?

I know that this essay is suppose to be hard, but come on! Blogging is one thing. Here, I can say whatever the fuck I want and if people are offended by it or agree with it, that's their choice! I'm just publicly beatting out my frustrations or airing my mind like it was dirty laundry out to dry. But this? This is suppose to impress a College Board of Directors? It doesn't even impress me right now, and I'm only 5 sentances in!! If you want to capture someone's attention, especially someone important, you have to get it by being out there and actually getting it. That's what gets your foot in the door they tell me. How the hell I am going to do that with this essay, I have now clue.

The (personal) deadline has been extended to Monday. By then, Mother acting on behalf of me and mostly on her dellusions will have gathered all the needed offical items minus the transcripts of grades. They send those directly to the college. Still, alot can happen over the weekend. The 40 freashmen cap could be filled like that.

Now how am I going to make this web-chart turn into a formal essay good enough to impress the DigiPen Admission Board?

I did a web-chart of ideas for the personal essay. If you ask me, I really don't think there is enough content to answer the questions with a minimum of 150 words. Interesting enough, my college goals have changed some. Instead of wanting exposer for personal gain (i.e. headlining galleries in NYC), my goals have become more social based. The one that surprized me the most when I wrote it down was the one involving more experiance in a team effort. In most if not all group projects, I ended up taking the reigns if I wasn't holding them to begin with. Yeah, as much as I liked that leadership role, I just didn't like the fact no one would challenge me and throw ideas at me. I'll save that in a more propor and less slang-ish rant for the essay later.

After drawing up that ill fated map, I pulled out my year book for some reason. I didn't know what that was at the time, but as soon as I opened the cover, I found out. The signatures. Some from people I had almost forgoten about, some I don't even remember, and some whom I will never forget. Wish I could read their signatures now, but at least I was able to read the messages. Towards the end, I was starting to fear that I never got Chris's signature as I learned that I didn't get everyone to sign it. Chris means alot to me. He was the only one I actually opened up to and told everything to. And I mean everything. I could trust him, and I knew he'd never tell any secret I told him. He would always tell me that he'd have nothing to gain from gossiping anyway, so why do it? Then, on the last page in the lowest cornor, there is was. The pinnicle of all those little messages about how they loved my art and how they enjoyed learning about me and getting to know me and how the wish they had more time to do that. All the best wishes and "good luck"s leading up to that little message.

I never really knew how much support in my art that I had untill now. Everyone knew I was going to be an artist. They knew that I knew what I've wanted to be long before they knew what they wanted to be. They watched my tallents grow, the ones that knew me from when I first moved. They saw my trails and knew what I had to deal with. A few even saw things I didn't even know was in me. Kind of strange. Here I thought throughout high school I had no one but outcasts and misfits. Looking at those signatures today made me realize something. I had more than I knew. Alot more.

Everyone is expecting me to be big and famous and successful in the future. Who am I to let them down?

Now where did I put that web-chart?

I am cursed today with an important goal and a disablity.

I need to write an essay for the sheer humoring of my parents seeing how the application for DigiPen is currently impossible and not for the application process. I can't come up with something worthy of an admissions board on such short notice. I don't think anyone can.

The essay is simple, answer so much in so many words. 150 words minimum, 300 maximum. That seems fair, right? Anyone could write that. Thing is this is a college board I'm trying to impress. I was barely able to get out of the school division of Writer's Showcase let alone pursade anyone that I'm college material. That's pretty much the suttle goal in writing this essay for them, I think. It's to show them that I'm worth accepting into their school.

Another matter I have to figure out is my portfolio. There's such a big loophole here that I can't help but want to exploit it. Basically, they want 10 dated pictures with the title and the media used in a 8.5" X 11" binder with my name and what class I'm applying for in the front. Slides, photographs, or photocopies; no digital. That's where my first problem lies. A good chuck on my art is all digital and all of which aren't dated with nothing more than a CDR burn date. It may not be the date of compleation, but it's a date. Loophole one is that there is not recency set, so I can pick out anything from any date. On top of that, loophole number two is that even though it's a digital school, they didn't say that all my pictures had to be off the computer. Yes, most portfolios are the kind that have art that is hand done, but in this day in technology it was one of those kind of questions you couldn't help but ask. Besides, I like some of my drawings and want to show them off if I can.

Now if only I could show my parents that since the deadline to sign up was yesturday that turning in my stuff on Friday would just be impossible let alone give me a slot to get in. They don't have the power Josh has. They can't promise me that I will get in like it sounds like they are saying. Let's get practical here, people!