2004 Reflection

It's New Years Eve, and everyone is looking back on what happened in the news. Things they remember or stand out. This entry is no different than those 20 minute TV spots. Only I'm not looking for nostalgia. I'm looking to see if I've grown any.

The year started off better than I had hoped it could ever start out. I was taught by two wonderful teachers that I respect and had the pleasure of just being in their classes. They brought a joy to the semester I knew I could never find in most classroom settings.

The next thing I remember was having that joy shattered into pieces. I failed to deliver yet another promise to Bill. If anyone was disappointed in anyone when that day came, it was myself. I wanted nothing more but this opportunity to give Bill something special, and I felt I had lost that chance because of unforeseen events.

The summer went by with a lot of emotions weighing down. I kept feeling like I wasn't worth even a penny to fuck. I produced what little art I could conjure up in my head to keep myself as stable as possible. I tried to keep my mind off of things, but I couldn't. One thing burned inside of me. David.

I blogged about David and didn't expect anything from it. After all, who reads this tripe? I poured my guts out like I was in a confessional. Every word I typed I said honestly. And then it happened. I got an e-mail saying that David would like to talk to me on IMs.

The Fall Semester started, and by then I had the one person, the one friend I knew I had in my life back. Feeling grateful and lucky, I faced the new semester with the same hope that just maybe my life would turn around. Maybe now I can finally be normal.

That wasn't the case. If anything, this past semester taught me that I'm no where near where I should be artistically, intellectually, mentally, emotionally, and even socially. I lacked more skills to survive in this world than most high school freshmen. But did I see this? No. I had David by my side, and having a friend like him was the only thing that mattered to me. Everything else was child's play.

Holidays came and went as fast as they normally do. My 21st birthday wasn't as big as everyone else's. I didn't drink beer. I didn't get laid. I didn't do much of anything when I turned legal again except maybe homework. Looking back on it, my birthday just seemed to be just another day in my life.

My sister started college in the fall for the first time, and she has had a rough time with it. She started to miss home around mid-term. She had dorm mates that were as bitchy as most of the reality show girls which just added more fuel to the want to go home. She did what I wanted to do, and she didn't even want to be there. At that moment, I started to wonder why. Why did she even think about going to an out of state college? Why did I settle for one that was in state?

Last night, I found out the guy that I fancy doesn't like people that are lazy and do not get out in the world. He's fallen down to rock bottom and back several times only to get back up and try again, so why can't the ones that just sit there and just complain about their lives? Why can I do that? He has no tolerance for people that need to be supported by others. I liked him. I was really interested in him. The moment he told me that, I knew then and there that all this was just in vain. He would never like me back.

It's the last day of the year, and looking back on everything has shown me I haven't grown one inch better. I may have been able to stand up to my mother and deny her the pleasure of knowing that I can be taken out of a grumpy mood as easily as a six year old. I may have been able to get over a vice that consumed most of my life worst than any kind of drug or alcoholic substance could ever hope to do with me. I may have been able to keep my cool after being insulted and told my life is not the way to go. But I do not feel like I have grown up any better than where I was at the start of the year. I'm still living at home. I still barely have any money to afford any classes. I still don't drive. I still don't have a job. I still am single. These things have not changed since the start of the year, and I go into the new one with these still a part of me.

Do I want to change any of those? Truth be told, I'm selective on all those factors. My job is my life, and my life is being this insane little artist boy that produces things the experts in the field are rarely impressed by. I don't want to live at home because I don't feel like I am home, but I know I can never be able to leave this place because of lack of funds. The only thing that would make home more endurable is if I am lucky enough to find that special someone that makes me feel whole. As for the driving part? I could make up hundreds of reasons why I don't want to drive, but truth is that I just don't feel like I'm up to it. I don't deserve the privilege to drive. I know myself well enough to know that I am not mature enough to be on the roads.

I leave 2004 with despair. I enter 2005 with hope. That's all I can do. Hope for something better.

Movie Trivia # 009: The Hot Foot

Mary Stuart Masterson lights a tissue in Benny & Joon (1993) and Aidan Quinn stomps it out wearing sneakers. But moments later he's wearing oxfords when he flushes a dead goldfish down the toilet.

No More Purple Ink

I deleted my second blog. I took one look at it and said to myself "You're not a short story writer, so don't even try to fake it."

Whatever I had there is now lost forever.

Oh well, they weren't good stories anyway.

The Little Things Make Me Smile

Last night, I was talking with David about a plan we've had since the day I was rejected from the Student Gallery. The plan is to spend the summer with him. Unfortunately, he will only be in town for one day, and on that day all my affairs must be in order to leave at the drop of a hat.

Last night, I displayed concern as to if this could be pulled off without a problem. My past experiences with this prove that too much planning causes more problems than preventing them. During the course of my conversation with David, I started to notice this and stopped myself. I was greeted with an IM saying to tell David when I'm ready so that he will be ready.

It didn't take me long to give what he said some serious thought. I thought that I had nearly killed this plan, a plan that I have wanted to do since the first moment he invited me.

I wrote an apology to him. An e-mail long enough to be considered a blog entry, if not a little bit longer than this one. It was explaining all of my worries and concerns. I became fully aware as to how little of a deal everything I was worried about really was. Still, I felt this e-mail was needed to fix something I know I broke.

Just a while ago, I checked my e-mail and saw that David had replied back. It was only two sentences long. He said, "Things will work out. Don't worry too much."

It made me smile. I don't know what it was about those two sentences, but there was something about what he said that made me feel so much better and less afraid that something may come up that I never foresaw coming. He made me feel more secure about what we've been planning to do since day one. And he did it without saying much of anything.

A word to the wise: People like him are very rare to come by. Appreciate them for all they are worth, for they are the real treasures of the world.

I can't play until Spring Break (if I'm lucky enough).

I went hunting again for a PS2. I hit up the same EBGames I did on Sunday, the same Best Buy, the same Target, two different GameStop locations, Wal-Mart, Media Play, and even CompUSA.

None of them have any.

The EBGames and both GameStop locations told me that they won't be getting any until the new year. Normally, I would take these estimated dates as golden. After all, they work there and I don't. However, knowing my luck with estimated dates, shipments and releases tend to get pushed back or delayed or whatever with things that I want so badly I can taste it.

In short, I've given up on my search. By the time I get one, I won't have time to enjoy Katamari Damacy. Why? Because of classes. The way my priorities are set up are in such a way that video games are less important than my education. So even if the dates they told me were golden and true and everything played itself out like I think they should, I still would have less than a week to enjoy a Christmas gift I could have been enjoying since the day after Christmas.

Can you tell that since I deleted my LUNAR save game I've been kind of bored?

I've also been very depressed due to the lack of systems available. This frustration was rubbing off on my sister today. I could tell because when she is pissed off or mad, she marches from point A to point B in a manner that not even a 75% off all shoes sale could stop her. When she asked me where I would like to go next, I told her home. I didn't want her to have a bad day because I'm having a bad day. I didn't want her to be unhappy because I am unhappy. Yet all morning long that's what has been happening. A moment longer and our parents would have to deal with two moody young adults instead of just one.

I guess I'll just wait until my birthday. I didn't check to see if Spring Break falls before or after my birthday, however. I hope it's after, but knowing my luck it will be before it.

What Shem Said

While stalking and participating in the Kissing Event on Gaia (where I've been pretty much kissing every male avatar I come across no matter if the user is gay or straight to begin with), I found something Shem said in one of his posts before I kissed him on Gaia.

It's the draft registration that should be optional, and voting which should be a mandatory civic duty. Not the other way around.

This quote may be taken out of context, but it's message is very point-blank. One of which I agree with.

Personally, I don't like fighting in wars. Fighting games and shooters are on another plain entirely, but actually physically holding a gun and having to point it at anything doesn't sit well with me. Even holding a sword makes me nervous.

Voting, on the other hand, I've been doing since Kindergarten. You vote on the color you like the best, what story the teacher should read, or even who is the most popular kid in school.

We have been conditioned to vote with these fun and non-important polls. However, when the big polls and elections happen, most of us shy away for one reason or another and don't bother to register. My reason is pretty clear cut: No one won me over to their camp this past election. Sure, I make the usual "Oh, I'm waiting on Obama to run" comment, but the fact of the matter was, from the beginning, no one made me feel like they could run the country better than the other and no one cared about the issues that were important to me. Personal politics aside, the point I was trying to make is that from the moment we are taught the ABC's, we were being taught to vote.

Some people can debate with me on this, but I believe we are not conditioned to fight from that early of an age. We may get into the usual school yard rumble, but the fact of the matter is we are not conditioned from an early age to use guns in wars. In fact, as kids, war is a scary thing because people die. Death is a scary thing to kids, because at that age they cannot understand it. Humans fear what they cannot understand. When we are that young, we are taught fighting is wrong and we shouldn't punch someone because they don't like how our hair looks or the fact that we suck our thumbs still. We are told there are better ways to go about solving a problem than beating up people.

I can see the other side of this coin as plain as day. Kids are getting exposed more and more to games centered around blowing shit up and shooting the brains out of someone for a 100 point bonus to their score. Is that conditioning our children for war so that when the males of the house turn 18 they are ready to be drafted should our government be stupid enough to reinstate it?

Personally, I don't think so. In those games, if you die you get to continue where you left off. You do not feel the hot bullet in your side as you bleed. In fact, you don't feel much of anything except for the rush of combat that fuels the game itself.

Bottom line is this. I agree with what Shem said. Voting registration should be what everyone, male or female, signs up for when they turn 18. It should be mandatory. Serving in the military should be a choice. It should not be the other way around. We as people are conditioned to vote from the moment we enter school. We are not conditioned to carry guns with us all the time and march in time with some guy calling out what foot should be hitting the ground. (At least most of us are.)

The only thing I can hope for is that sometime in the future this becomes a reality. If I ever have children or even adopt one, I do not want my son to sign away his life to the armed forces just so he can get into a college. I want him and my daughter to register to vote in order to get into a college.

PS-No

This morning, after I finished cleaning my room rather quickly, I found myself being bribed to go to church. If I went, the family would go to the mall to help me look for my PS2 I wanted to buy. A few minutes later, I find out that I am coming along whether I agreed to the bribe or not in the first place.

After church, we went from store to store looking for the new PS2 slim model. It was the same story everywhere we went.

EBGames: None in stock, just display boxes
Toys R Us: None in stock (promptly displayed on a sign that the cashier was wearing on her head)
Target: None in stock since Thanksgiving
Best Buy: None in stock

We were going to hit up Wal-Mart, but by the time we got halfway there, my sister and I started to nod off into dreamland, so we went back home.

I can't say that I'm not disappointed that I couldn't find a PS2. I can say that I'm really shocked that it was sold out everywhere we went. I never had that happen before whenever I was looking for something. Normally, the supply would be readily available. On top of that, I'm assuming that the system being fairly old right now would have some in stock for people like me that didn't jump on the "I better get mind the first day it comes out" band wagon.

In any event, that's what happened today. I went shopping when people were returning and exchanging things and left with nothing. I feel guilty having forced everyone to tag along with me after church for well over four hours. Right now, I'm wishing that this little adventure never happened.

Did I over come a vice?

This has been bugging me for a while now, and I don't know what this feeling is that has been gnawing at me.

I learned that once I approached the final battle in LUNAR: Silver Star Story that I had missed something rather important. I hopped over to GameFAQs, and found out that I missed out on a third Healing Ring that I needed. The thing is, it's location is in an area I cannot go back to for one reason or another. On top of that, I have no save game going that far back into the story to correct this mistake. The only option is to replay the entire game over.

At this point, I said to myself "Oh well, it's just a game. It's not that big of a deal." After that, I deleted the save game to start over cold turkey. I then wrote some notes to look out for a chest with a Healing Ring in it and packed up what I had set out for my Playstation. I then looked at my Katamari Damacy copy and figured that this vacation is as good a time as ever to try to get the rest of the pieces to play this game.

Since then, something has been bugging me. Even now, I feel like I've done something more than just said "Oh well, it's just a game."

Video games have been a vice of mine since I can remember. My cousin Eric had the old NES when I first was able to play video games with some kind of enjoyment. Thanks to Mario and Duck Hunt, I was hooked beyond reason. It was such an addiction that when I visited my cousins again--Eric had a Sega Saturn at this time--I found myself playing his video games without knowing my cousin had come home from work and was snapping his fingers at me to get my attention. God knows how much money I've begged and saved up to spend on nothing but video games. Granted my library isn't as big as some people's game library, but that is because I invest in games that tell a story rather than entertain and kill time. Yes, there are some exceptions, but for the most part, thanks to Kaiser in middle school, I've been true to RPGs that I fancy for one reason or another. Okay, I take that back. I like RPGs because of how I can escape reality, but the games I seem to fancy more than anything are the weird and bizarre. My first game I bought for the Playstation was Parrapa the Rappa, after all. And now Katamari Damacy for the PS2.

Maybe I'm making mountains out of mole hills. Still, I can't get this nagging feeling off my back, and I'd really like to know what it is.

What I Got

Grades for the Fall 2004 Semester

Drawing III - B
Clay I - A-
English Composition II - A
World Mythologies - A-

X-mas Gifts
* = Favorite/Most Liked

From my aunt
Sonic-powered toothbrush and toothpaste
AA and AAA Batteries (lots of them)
$200 to buy my Playstation2 with*

From my parents
Single-stick incense burning tray and a bushel of incense sticks
Large-faced analog wrist watch with leather band*

From my sister
Miniature teddy bear with a shirt that reads "Someone at Radford University loves me!"*
Spiderman DVD bundle (comes with both movies)*
Five button wireless mouse (for a future computer I hope)*

Christmas Eve Morning Reflection

It's been almost a week since I started replaying LUNAR: Silver Start Story Complete, and I'm almost done with the game having reached the third act. Once I get to the end, I'll have gained one lost saved game and can move on to the next one. That is provided time is with me.

I never realized how much of a vice video games can be for some people.

Myself, I just like to play every so often the role of someone different than who I really am. An artist with magical powers, a young cadet fresh out of the military school that ends up saving the world, a boy from the middle of no where that ends up becoming a great hero. That's the only reason I ever play video games.

Now, it would seem the real reason I play is because of the item collecting and need to open up all the secrets. Collecting all the character pictures scattered throughout the game, finding (and keeping) the best sword in the game, locating the hidden items that you can use when you replay the game over. All of these I've done just so I can look at my games and say to myself I actually finished 100% of the game.

It's a wonder how I made it through high school with an Honors Dilpoma while still playing video games and doing nothing else outside of homework.

Recently, however, my main vice hasn't been as strong as my loyalty to my friends, what few I have left. Every night I sign on and wait for them to do the same. I don't care what our conversation is as long as we have one. I've screwed up several times, most of them recorded here. Yet I consider myself lucky that I am still able to have some kind of contact with them. They'll never know how much they mean to me, and I doubt they will ever know how it feels to know that their friendship and love can overpower the one thing that has grabbed my attention this week. At least, until a certain future President reads this and gives them a verbal tongue lashing for not signing in and talking to me some nights that not even Jerry Springer would be prepared for. (Okay, that was my moment of greed. I'm sorry.)

Later tonight, my family will be doing Room at the Inn. It's a seasonal church event, for lack of a better word, in which a van of homeless people are picked up and dropped off at the church to eat good food, sleep, wash up, and generally get out of the cold. Tonight is going to be full, hopefully. The weather as of my typing is about 16^oF, and is forecasted to not go above 25 all day from what I saw. Definitely not good weather to be out in. I can feel it in my room because of the lack of insulation and the fact that I live above the garage, but even I get a little bit of heat. Anyone living on the street in this kind of cold doesn't unless they sleep over a vented storm drain like the one on the side walk on 7th Ave. next to the downtown Ramada (or whatever the name is of that fancy hotel).

That's all I can type for now. I need some of my dad's chili to warm me up before I go back to my room to finish off Ghaleon for kidnapping the girl that I loved since childhood (basic plot of LUNAR). That chili of his can melt steel!

Movie Trivia # 008: Unexpected Modesty II

Another bit of undergarment prestidigitation takes place in National Lampoon's Animal House (1978) when Tim Matheson is kissing and fondling a girl in a car. As he lifts her top off it's clear that she is wearing no bra. When his pals come out of the Dexter Lake Club, she screams and jumps out, wearing nothing but her skirt and shoes. But when she lands in the car next to her, a bra magically has appeared.

A Foul-Mouth Rodent's Rant About Christmas

If you haven't seen this by now, you should. It offers a point of view about this season that I have to agree with, what with Florida banning the Christmas Tree.

The Joys of Doing Nothing

From MSN Family:

"There is a myth that doing nothing is wasting time, when it's actually extremely productive and essential," says Dr. Hirsh-Pasek. "During empty hours, kids explore the world at their own pace, develop their own unique set of interests and indulge in the sort of fantasy play that will help them figure out how to create their own happiness, handle problems with others on their own, and sensibly manage their own time. That's a critical life skill."

Interesting. So I guess I really am productive when all I'm doing is doing nothing. I'm actually doing something when it appears all I'm doing is being a lazy ass.

Before I Become Distracted with Saving the World

A Gift From the Tooth Fairy

My filling fell out. It's the filling on the back side of the farthest back molar on the top jaw. Both myself and my dentist know how much of a pain getting that thing filled. He said that eventually I will have to get it crowned. For now, I just have to watch what I eat until Monday when I have to go in for a clean up.

Memory for Cheap

The EBGames store must be having a sale, because I found not one, not two, but three Sony brand memory cards for my PlayStation for $3 each! The guy wanted to make sure I knew I was buying PS1 cards, and I told him that I was fully aware of what I was buying. Being the last weekend before Christmas, I can imagine how many people have passed through asking for the latest game and system while not having a clue as to what it really is called or why this accessory is needed. I mean, the lady before me didn't know that a Nintendo DS was able to play Gameboy Advance games and ended up not buying it for whoever her gamer is in her family.

I plan on going back after Christmas to buy a PS2 and Memory Card for it so I can play Katamari Damacy until I need to go back to classes. Should be interesting given the fact I like to people watch when I'm done shopping.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an addiction I need to feed involving trying to save the world from a long white haired elf hell bent on destroying the world just because his best friend didn't agree with his ideals of how the world should work for the next 5 hours.

Early Christmas Present Problems

I just got handed two early Christmas presents from my aunt upon her return from the mall. After exchanging updates as to where everyone is, particularly my sister who is home for the holidays, she gave me two of my presents with a clause. (Insert Santa Clause joke here.)

She told me she will give me my presents now, but the rest is my problem. This didn't sit well with me at first, but my aunt is crafty.

She first pulled out the Mary Poppins DVD and told me a story about the copies she bought. She went to Suncoast and found the last two copies of the DVD, as well as another movie she wanted. The lady checking out people was wondering why in the world my aunt would want two copies of the same movie, to which my aunt said one copy is for her. You would think that question wouldn't pop up, seeing how it is gift buying season and there is a chance that you are getting one copy for one person and another copy for another person. Some people are just curious, I guess.

Thanks to the first present and the good cheer that came with it, I was well prepared for the second blow that came with the whole "the rest is your problem" statement. My aunt was unable to pronounce the only thing on my Nice List specifically spelled out. All she knew is that it was a video game, and so she went to EBGames. Handing the teenage worker the hand-written list I gave her, he found Katamari Damacy in the back of the story in the office. He said to my aunt upon his return that they have a hard time keeping this game on the shelf. Something tells me the copy she bought was a reserve copy someone forgot about. Before totaling up her bill, the young worker pulled out a PS2 memory card. My aunt asked what that was for, to which he explained its purpose of saving games. My aunt told him to take it back, as that would be my problem (or at least one of them). The young worker got a good laugh out of this.

So, yes, I now own Katamari Damacy as an early Christmas gift. Sadly, I cannot play it because I do not have a PS2. My aunt thought that I could on my PSX, but that system cannot read DVD-encrypted games. As anyone knows who has been keeping up with me, I'm in the market for a memory card, but I'm told they go for about $20. This means I only have enough for one card, and it will more than likely be a PSX card so I can reclaim my LUNAR and Final Fantasy Tactic games.

Overall, though, I'm not disappointed one bit. I don't know what it is, but having a gift that I want but know I can't play makes me rethink the old seasonal saying "It's not what kind of gift it is. It's the thought that counts." I now know what that really means and am really ashamed at the fact that I felt like I was on some kind of chore while I was shopping for my parents' gifts and splitting the bill with my sister. Still, though, this isn't the first time I've given them lame gifts. They know I think about and love them even if they claim I don't respect them.

I'm happy. Bottom line. The only thing I'm wondering about is if turning down the PS2 on Black Friday was a bad thing due to lack of foresight.

Movie Trivia # 007: Unexpected Modesty

There's not an excess of modesty in the porn business, as explored in Hardcore (1979), but shortly after she's seen totally nude in a peep booth, Season Hubley's panties appear.

Question: What parent would name their kid "Season?" That has to be a stage name or something.

Movie Trivia # 006: The Little Tramp and His Wondering Hat

Charlie Chaplin couldn't keep up with his trademark hat in The Vagabond (1916). When the Little Tramp is being chased around and through a bar, he falls and loses his hat outside the place but when he enters again he's wearing it. He then exits once more, hatless, and outside picks up the hat off the sidewalk where he originally dropped it.

Charlie's hat problems continue when he rescues a gypsy girl, and her father tries to drown him in a washtub. He escapes soaking wet and hatless, and jumps onto the back of a washtub, spitting water in the father's face. In the next shot, he's climbing into the front of the wagon, not only wearing the hat, but bone dry.

The only reason I'm doing this again is because someone told me that they actually like this kind of stuff. Granted they may not come every week, but this is for those out there that find it interesting.

I'll put up a second one to make up for last week on "US Movie Release Friday." (Today is "International Movie Release Wednesday," if you were wondering.)

Man Damages Controversial Nativity Scene

From Yahoo News!

LONDON - A waxwork nativity scene that features soccer star David Beckham and his pop star wife, Victoria, as the parents of Jesus has been damaged in an attack, Madame Tussauds museum said Monday.

The museum piece, which has drawn criticism from Christian leaders who say it's disrespectful, was damaged Sunday when a male visitor pushed over the figures of the Beckhams before running out, museum spokeswoman Diane Moon said.

The man must be a conservative Englishmen. If he was otherwise, he would have pushed over the wax statues of President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who are ironically shown as two of The Three Wise Kings.

No More Memory

I went over to turn on my PSX to use a CD player while I play Pokemon, and I noticed that the "Mega Card" was acting up. The LCD screen kept flashing strange combinations of numbers and letters as well as different patters of blocks. I went to the Memory Card option and found out that the Mega Card is dead now. That means, I lost whatever saved games I had on there.

What games did I lose?

Both LUNAR games (The first one was a pain in the ass just getting all the secret pictures because of all the ridiculous one-time-only flags you had to set off.)

One of two versions of the Metal Gear Solid game (I'm not sure if I lost the Tuxedo version or the Alternate Camera Angle version.)

My back up of Elemental GearBolt (The game is notorious for deleting my file every time I boot it up.)

Any and all Final Fantasy Tactic saves (Which really kicks my ass because of how stupid the "Move-Find Item" skill works with chance and all that! I mean, seriously!)

The games that I didn't lose were WWF Raw (wrestling fetish, Hello?), the main Elemental GearBolt save, the save for Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure, the Star Wars fighting game, DDR, Soul Blade, the other Metal Gear Solid file, Tomba, and--believe it or not--Parrapa the Rappa.

Oh well, doubt they make PSX memory cards that still work anymore. I wonder if what saved data I have is backwards compatible with the PS2 cards should I get a PS2.

The moral of the story: Sony products will only work with Sony products, so don't by anything that is from a third party!

I'm expecting my light gun I bought for Elemental GearBolt to follow the same path soon.

The Oscar Battles

From Yahoo! News:

The red-state warriors and blue-state battlers are at it again. This time, the goal isn't the White House. It's the Oscar.

In one color-coded corner: Conservative groups pushing for nominations for The Passion of the Christ. In the other color-coded corner: Proud liberal Michael Moore pushing for nominations for Fahrenheit 9/11.

If the contrast holds, Academy Award season may bare more than a passing resemblance to this fall's divisive general election.

Which, pretty much means, all bets are off as The Passion of the Christ is going to win should both films actually get nominated. Why doesn't that surprise me?

Just like everything else...

I'm stopping the whole Movie Trivia thing. I don't know why, but the more I try to make this blog interesting, the more boring it becomes.

Grow Up

A common catch phrase is the childhood want to not grow up and be an adult. Said by Peter Pan and even Toys R Us advertisements, children seem to want to stay young forever. That is, until they reach the age in which they learn staying young forever is an impossibility. Still, there are adults out there that keep their youth in their hearts and quite possibly their own lives. After all, if there is one thing that Walt Disney has taught any of us, it is that adults are really just really big kids.

What about the kind that can't grow up? What about the ones that, for one psychological reason or another, cannot become a "normal" adult?

Most of the time, they are seen as bums who are either very co-dependent and will end up homeless and starving once something bad happens and they cannot get their shit together. They are played up as the unattractive fat ass on the couch that does nothing but watch TV and eat pizza. A living Homer Simpson without the job at the Nuclear Plant.

This seems grossly unfair. It is as if society is saying to those out there that cannot function that you are losers. You cannot be normal. You are the scum of the earth simply because you cannot hold a job let alone get one. You are childish for being unable to drive and for liking cartoons at your age when you should be viewing something more productive and thought provoking like the news. In short, grow up and get your shit together.

Some people can. Some cannot.

The ones that can are rewarded for conforming to the norm, while those that cannot are left for dead, often times alone. And we all know how being different means you are bad. Society seems to have a problem with things that are different in skin color, sexuality, gender, and pretty much anything else that is outside of the common comfort zone.

I have no authority to state this as fact or even a popular stereotype. It just seems to be my general point of view right now given several things.

Mom's Loosing It

On the car ride home from school, an unknown and possibly non-existent conversation was brought up about having identified some actor on a TV Christmas movie last week as one of the teachers in the Harry Potter movies. It occurred when I apparently came into my mom's room while she was watching this movie. Then and there, I identified the actor in his more memorable role.

At first I thought she was talking about the actor who plays Snapes, who my sister and I found out was in Dogma, but my mom said that this conversation happened last week.

Last week after I finished studying for everything, I was sick and never went up to their room the entire weekend. I spent it downstairs on the computer because it was the warmest and most comfortable place down here, seeing as how my room doesn't have good heating. Apparently that slipped her mind and was replaced with this little moment that never really happened. She claims I forgot the whole thing and that it did happen.

I'm no shrink, but this event does sound familiar to a short story we read in English this semester. In it, a mother constantly is telling stories that never really happened to make up for one thing or another that causes an insecurity in her. I think my mom is starting to realize that she doesn't know me or spend the same amount of time with me as she does with my sister.

I say it's about damn time she realized this.

On "Black Friday" when I posted my Christmas list, we went shopping for my sister's laptop she was required to get for a math class. My mother knew I wasn't happen about seeing this due to the fact that she still owes me a new computer. I'm getting my sister's old desktop as a hand-me-down. This computer that I'm on right now is the "family" computer. Anyway, seeing as how I'm as obvious as a billboard to a pedestrian, my mom took me to Sam's Club and wanted to know if I wanted a PS2. I turned it down. Why? I knew she was only buying it to shut me up. She gave this away when she said that if she gets this, not only will I have to front some cash for it, but I won't have any Christmas gifts either. I hate when she says things like these around this time of year, but this time it sent up red flags telling me she was treating me like a crying child that will always shut up once he gets a Happy Meal from McDonald's. I wasn't going to let her win. I pointed out what I would like, but when she asked if I would like it, I turned it down on purpose. Trust me, it was very hard to do.

I hope what I did then brought up this "memory" that was told today. If so, I consider it a good sign. Maybe now she will realize that I'm not happy with the way she has been recently treating me compared to how they treat my sister.

This Morning...

You can tell I rather be anywhere but where I'm going today.

I have Final Critique and an exam today. Tomorrow, I have a paper due that I have not even started on and another Final Critique.

I tried to study and prepare last night, but I couldn't bring myself to even look at my notes and saved quizzes (I knew they were good for something!). I tried to clean up my drawing for today, but didn't even bring it out.

I'm either burned out or extremely lazy. Either way, I'm not prepared for the day right now. I'll be lucky if I ever get around to actually "reviewing" before the test today.

FUCK OFF BITCH!

I'm sick.

I just went through a gallon of Orange Juice over the course of 12 hours!

I had four bowls of Raman Chicken Soup!

I feel like I'm about to die!

My skull feels like my brain is about to explode!

And what do you go and do?

YOU FUCKING HIT ME ON THE HEAD TO GET MY ATTENTION BECAUSE I DIDN'T HEAR YOU THE FIRST THREE TIMES!

You know I'm sick! I told you yesterday, but now you play it off as if I'm just messing with you. You call yourself a mother?! More like mother fucker! I'm sick! Ask your damn husband who has been seeing me try to walk up and down stairs to my bed and back to this computer! Ask your sister-in-law that's more of a mother to me than you ever will be!

I'm sick, God damn it, and you are not helping the situation any! I can barely hear! I can barely breath! I can barely type! If I die of the common cold, I hope you remember this evening as the evening you didn't believe that I was sick!

I'm Sick

Right now I'm suffering through a cold given to me by my Clay Teacher. The first time I've been sick all semester long.

I was told my blog had become boring by two people that I prize above my own life, and so I've gone back to my old format.

Here is a month's worth of rants pent up because some idiots said I should shut the fuck up and keep my opinions off a public domain of some kind.

Thanksgiving

It would appear that, unless you have a large American family, you will not have the grand Thanksgiving dinner everyone pictures. There are homeless people eating soup out of cans if they are lucky enough to find one. There are people eating microwaved meals alone because they have no one to spend the holidays with. And for me, you have a poor excuse for a feast in a status quo that practically was the inspiration for the famous Rockwell painting associated with this holiday.

Thanksgiving was a bust for me. I don't ever remember it being a big festive time of the year, unlike with Christmas. As far back as I can remember, it's been an excuse to just pull out the fancy plates. We never really had the picture perfect spread like some families do. Hell, this year we didn't even have a good veggie spread!

And like usual, we went our separate ways after the dinner. I went on the computer, my sister went back to reacquaint herself with her room. My mom and dad went to watch TV. My aunt went to watch a movie in her room.

What happened to this family?

Mickey Got Hacked

Some time after Thanksgiving, MouseInfo.com reported that they got hacked.

Question. Who the fuck would hack into a Disney Fan site?

Answer. A kid that has way too much time on his hand and is so insecure in themselves, the make me look like Superman. A person that believes Disney is for babies and doesn't like the fact there are college kids and adults out there that still love Disney as much as ever when we were 2 feet high. A really smart jackass out there that doesn't like that someone has a staff of friends that can bring updates and a forum with fun and mature topics outside of Disney online. A bitch that obviously has nothing better to do than try to impress people with a skill that could get the person arrested if actions are to take place.

This is why I support White Hat Hackers over Black Hats. White Hats don't shut down a whole site.

Gaia vs. Neopets

Gaia just now is getting back on its feet, but for the last three weeks, it's been fucking up left and right. Several things crashed because of one thing or the other. Then people were found cheating at the new Fishing game, and the administrators went on a banning spree, which caused several innocent people to get their accounts taken away from them. Most of the problems have been fixed now, but there is a bitter taste around the site after this, what with the Marketplace still closed and other errors.

Neopets, on the other hand, has its own unique problems. Being the Month of Giving, they decided to open the Advent Calendar, which gives you free stuff every day during the month of December. It's only been two days, and I'm already hearing things about how their prizes suck. They gave us a total of 1,200 Neopoints just for coming to them the past two days, and they are complaining about getting handed free money? While this may seem like a minor problem, which it is, one bigger problem is present in their main site draw. The Battledome is currently in "War Mode," and is lagging like hell during peak hours due to all 14 million people being on it at once trying to get a high score so they can get a free uber-weapon.

So why do I bring up two sites when Gaia users hate Neopets and don't want Gaia to be like Neopets? The sad truth is that, once Gaia gets their Battle area up and running, it will be like Neopets. The only thing that Gaia has over Neopets is that the people don't ask for free items 24/7.

Okay, that's enough. I need to attend to this damn cold.

Movie Trivia # 005: He Knocked the Polka Dots Right Off His Tie

Humphrey Bogart backhands Peter Lorre in The Maltese Falcon (1941). When Lorre's head snaps left, he's wearing a polka-dot bow tie. When it snaps back to the right, he's wearing a striped one.

X-mas Lists

Well, today is Black Friday (AKA No Buy Day). The day when people go out and try to get their Christmas shopping done while tearing each other up limb from limb just to get the best gift possible for cheap. To celebrate, I present my X-mas Lists. Yes, as in more than one.

Nice List

• PlayStation 2 with Katamari Damacy and a Memory Card
• A digital camera
• A portable external hard drive that is at least 50 GBs

Naughty List

• Lauderdale Strip (link)
• An American In Prague DVD (link)
• Weekend In Connecticut (link)
• It Happened By Chance (link)
• Raunchy Rookies 4 DVD (link)
• The entire Cobra Video Library on DVD if available (link)
• Private Punishment 1 thru 6

For the record, I don't expect to get any of this.

Movie Trivia # 004: How's That Again, Sam?

After more than forty-six years of being one of history's most-watched movies, no one seems to notice that the wardrobe department blew it when they dressed Ingrid Bergman for a flashback scene in Casablanca (1942). Bergaman's Ilsa remembers wearing a dress when she and Bogart's Rick parted months before in Paris. But when Ted Turner's perspicacious colorizers got a closer look at the film, they discovered that Ilsa was actually wearing a suit.

"I never noticed that, and I've seen that film many times," Turner Entertainment President Roger Mayer, who supervised the colorization process, told the Los Angeles Times. "I don't think many people would." But someone did.

Movie Trivia # 003: Disorder in the Court

When Glenn Close and Jeff Bridges enter the courtroom in Jagged Edge (1985), she is wearing a gray suit. Then she makes her opening arguments standing before the judge wearing a dark blue suit and a white blouse. A few minutes later (without having time to go home and change), she questions a witness while wearing a dark brown suit and a light brown blouse.

"The Ken Song" by jdproject

I cannot get this song out of my head since I heard it earlier this week. If you are a Street Fighter 2 fan, you must download this song! If you are a fan of cheesy rock songs, you must download this song! If you like catchy tunes you cannot get out of your head no matter how hard you try, you must download this song!

Hell, if you have any kind of appreciation for music in general, take a listen! I promise you'll enjoy it.

Movie Trivia # 002: Where's Your Point?

Brad Pitt wears his collar outside his sweater as he sits in a restaurant booth in A River Runs Through It (1992). Several times throughout the scene, the point of the collar is either inside or outside the sweater.

Movie Trivia # 001: Lois Lane's Dream Job

At London's Elstree Studios, prim Elaine Scheyreck faced quite a dilemma. As costumer, she spent plenty of time in the company of actors who were stripped down to their bare essentials--still, she was faced with something she preferred not to discuss. Just back from viewing the dailies of Superman, Ms. Scheyreck now had to tell the producers that the scene had to be re-shot because Christopher Reeve's "private parts" jumped from one side to the other in his tight-fitting costume.

Had the error not been caught and corrected, somewhere along the way audiences would have had a real laugh--probably at a most inappropriate time--when Reeve's goodies flew from one side to the other mid-scene.

From that day forward, one of Elaine Scheyreck's duties was to make sure that the handsome actor's pant bulge was in the right place every day--and since multiple costume changes were required because Reeve would get sweaty during complex flying scenes, it was finally decided to eliminate the problem completely by having a "swim cap" sewn into the Superman outfit.

No Right to Complain

Since today is Election Day, I thought I would explain myself as to why I haven't blogged anything last week. It's a very simple explanation.

I don't remember when exactly I was told this, but someone once said that "If you don't vote, you don't have the right to complain."

I'm not registered to vote. I could type up a million excuses why, but the bottom line is I just am not registered to vote.

In my last entry, there was some negative feedback towards my opinion and my entry that actually made me sit down and rethink what I had wrote. That is when I remembered the above.

So, in short, I'm not going to complain anymore. I never had the right to do so to begin with. Insane logic? Maybe.

So what of my blog? Will I delete it? No. I was given a small book that has a total of 333 movie mistakes that I figure I'd use on this blog. One mistake from a movie once a week, if I can commit to it. Hopefully, this will help make my blog a more interesting read.

Told You

Look! Another article about my school!

Outrage from the family of beheaded hostage Eugene "Jack" Armstrong prompted Watkins College of Art & Design yesterday to remove a video presentation that includes footage of the beheading from a student exhibit.

"We're so angry right now that we're about ready to jump in a car and come down there," said Cyndi Armstrong, the slain engineer's cousin by marriage, from her office in Hillsdale, Mich.

"How dare this school do that! I mean, these people are not artists. This is not art. And then the story you wrote in today's paper about how they're emotionally distressed, or exhausted? Well, we'll discuss 'emotionally exhausted' with them. We've had six weeks of hell. And they've had one day of people saying that what they did is wrong, because it is wrong."

Okay, first off, who are they to say what is and is not art? She may be a member of the public, but Cyndi does not have the absolute say as to what is and isn't art. The only thing that has an absolute say in that answer is time and change. Picasso didn't sell much of anything while he was a young artist, probably as young as Elvan. Now his paintings are worth a small fortune! I bet you anything that eventually, this student work will be just as valuable as anything produced by any modern artist.

The artists said Thursday that they were considering pulling the work themselves from the 2004 Brownlee O. Currey Student Art Exhibition. Fearful Symmetry had not yet gone on view in the show, which briefly opened Monday, but word of its contents, coupled with a controversial photograph already on display, caused school officials to close the video exhibit.

Penny and Phelps said they didn't wish to harm the school with negative publicity that they believe their Best of Show winner created. But yesterday they changed their minds, issuing this statement: "We don't want to pull the video. We stand behind the work. But if the college pulls it, we're not going to fight their decision."

They declined to comment further.

These guys didn't seem like the kind that would roll over and die when I first met them. In fact, they looked like they could fight the world if they wanted to. The fact that they said they are not going to fight the college for removing their first-place-winning piece of art disappoints me.

Watkins President Jim Brooks said that sensitivity to the wishes of the families of Armstrong and beheading victim Jack Hensley - whose widow in Georgia had sent word to the school of her concerns - helped guide his decision.

Bullshit. He was worried about a law suit, and we all know how much money us gallery artists and non-studio-contracted film makers make.

Armstrong charged that Penny and Phelps were "almost as inhuman as those people who did what they did to Jack."

What?! These guys almost as inhuman as the people that beheaded a person simply because he was an American sent over by the government to a country that doesn't even like Americans? Someone explain this to me before I consider this family a bunch of morons! If anyone is more inhuman than these two film students, it's the people that put Jack's beheading up on the internet. Those are the sick bastards you should be going after.

The rest of the Watkins show is scheduled to reopen Monday. The other controversial work, Penny's photograph of a man masturbating, was originally to be draped in the main gallery, with a warning sign posted. The latest word is that it will not be draped. Instead, it will be placed away from the show in an administrative area that's off limits to the public. Visitors will have to ask to see it.

And probably pay admission.

Told of the school's decision to pull Fearful Symmetry, Armstrong said, "Thank God." She said that would resolve the matter "at least for now."

"But it's still the whole idea that they won first place," she said. "I don't understand it, I guess. I'm not artistic. The judges thought it was the best thing out of 140 entries? They think this was the top entry? I think they owe our families an apology. The judges, these two artists, they owe us an apology."

And by apology, she means...

Armstrong said the family had contacted a lawyer and wasn't ruling out legal action.

Brooks, for his part, said he'd been assured that there was no legal exposure for the school, and that his decision was not motivated by fear of litigation.

Yeah, right, sure your decision wasn't motivated by fear of litigation. You're suppose to defend the school! Not roll over and die when people threaten to sue a bunch of artists over expressing their ideas! We live in a time where the church no longer controls the art we see and more people, I hope, are educated enough to look at things in a different way outside of their everyday comfort zone. I guess what you told me, Mr. Brooks, was nothing more but a mere lie as far as what my mission is as an artist.

"We really thought we were done with the media, with everything, and we were putting our lives back together again and making things work again and this has brought everything up.

"We had just finally got to where we were functioning again."

And I'm suppose to feel sorry for you why again?

Cyndi Armstrong said she did not agree that Armstrong's fate provided an appropriate example of the violence Penny and Phelps wished to draw attention to.

"It's only a very small part of what's going on over there. This is just a group of people in Iraq who are sick."

Who did you want them to use? Daniel Pearl from the New York Times? And weren't you just reported earlier in saying that the group of people in Iraq are just as sick as the artist that made this piece of art? Why is it all of a sudden you sound like you are defending the people that chopped off Jack's head?

People get so emotionally confused, much how I am right now. Quite honestly, I believe that one thing will always happen.

People will kill people over things they do not like. Suing people is just more civilized than man slaughter, but just as bad and ill-intended.

The Endless Debate

I believe that this article can help sum up what is going on as of right now. Here are a few highlights of the article as my commentary about it.

Elvan Penny and Scott Phelps, fourth-year film students at Watkins College of Art & Design, say they might remove Fearful Symmetry from the 2004 Brownlee O. Currey Student Art Exhibition to spare the school the negative publicity they believe the work created.

Penny and Phelps were described last night as emotionally exhausted by the controversy. Penny would not discuss their pending decision, other than to say that the two hoped to reach a verdict today.

Watkins President Jim Brooks, who said he was surprised by the change of heart, praised their intention all along as noble.

"They were very sensitive to what is going on in the world, and they tried to make a strong statement about violence and inhumanity in our culture. That was a noble effort. Then they saw just an awful negative reaction against the institution" and began questioning whether to keep the work in the show.

I don't know anymore. The more I hear the president of my school talk, the more I feel he belongs in politics. He didn't strike me that way before, but ever since the town hall meeting yesterday and seeing him on the news, he is starting to sound more and more like a politician.

Brooks said the reaction came in the form of a dozen phone calls and e-mails sent to the school yesterday. He said they ranged from "expressing concern to really just being very angry about the work," a 4½-minute video that includes the sight and sound of the gruesome death of hostage Eugene Armstrong late last month.

Don't people out there have something better to do than to complain about something they haven't even seen yet?

At one point yesterday, it was announced that a separate controversial work, Penny's photograph of a man masturbating, might be relocated from the main gallery space to a more "secure" location. It would still have a warning sign but no longer be draped.

It's in the administration wing, which really isn't all that secure to being with, but it is kind of separated from the rest of the school. Unfortunately, that hallway directly links up with the gallery. I mean, the Head of Admission's office is literally next to the gallery! His office shares the same circuit breakers, for crying out loud!

Earlier yesterday, students, faculty and administrators came together in the school's theater for a "town hall" meeting. Penny and Phelps attempted to explain their work and engaged in dialogue with fellow students.

"There was no shouting, no accusatory manner. People respected each other's points of view, but we heard the full range of opinions," Brooks said. "There has been a very, very energetic internal debate here."

Yet, at the same time, nothing really got resolved either.

Personally, I doubt this will be the end of this. As long as there are artists out there that are willing to risk their reputation to get a message across, this kind of controversy will never end.

Is It Art?

That was the tag line of the opening news report for the six o'clock news just before I began blogging about this event to keep a record of my views as well as inform those of you that visit here what is going on outside of what the press has said.

10:00
I first walked into the school and saw flyers up for a town hall meeting in the theatre. I immediately went in and joined the discussion as an observer. I did so strictly because of the fact that I wouldn't have anything to say having not been there since the start of the discussion.

The Town Hall meeting didn't accomplish anything. We pretty much agreed that the warning sign was hypocritical for the masturbation piece, titled "Males in Ecstasy," being covered. We also agreed on the fact that putting a cover over the piece would make it seem like the artist intent was to produce pornographic material, which wasn't the case.

Interestingly enough, we learned that the conservative Southern Senior Citizen that fund the school are very supportive of the schools idea of freedom of expression, as well as the rejection show. Notice how they said nothing about the pieces themselves. They have seen all of the pieces, from what I've been told.

This is all I heard at the town meeting having come in as late as I did.

11:15
The press came by, having caught wind of the news. Yesterday's reporter got his story on the front page of the paper, and copies were being handed out for everyone to read and review. My English class was pretty much thrown out the window thanks to the article.

The article itself concentrated more on the beheading video, titled "Fearful Symmetry," than on the other piece for about 50% of the article. Also, littered throughout the article were little blips here and there about the person featured in the piece that gets beheaded. Remember this, because it will be key later.

While my class was in the gallery doing some work for English, Channel 2 News came in and began filming some stock footage of the gallery to use for their news report. I had a feeling I was going to be in the news. I was standing and my head was able to block out another male nude piece that the camera was filming. Nice to know that I just happened to be able to censor something that wasn't and I think shouldn't be.

15:57
Upon leaving Clay, I learned something shocking happened. News traveled like wild fire and reached the family of the person who was beheaded in "Fearful Symmetry." From what I was told, they called their lawyers and threaten to sue the school. No doubt their reason was that it was disrespectful to their family member. To prevent blowing this out of the water, the school pulled the piece out before it was ever finished being installed into a closed-off room for people to view privately. Needless to say, the artist is not happy by this reaction. Remember, this piece won "Best of Show" by the jury panel.

The Best of Show won't be shown.

"Males in Ecstasy" was moved to another room entirely. It was uncovered, but now you have to hunt for it.

16:37
I learned that "Males in Ecstasy" has been moved into the Administration Hall where they keep the Purchase Award Winners the school has collected over the years.

18:00
Channel 2 opened their broadcast with this story first. I didn't make any air time.

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Well, this is interesting. It would appear we got press attention faster than I originally thought. Unfortunately, it is with a reporter that is more interested in controversy rather than art itself.

Basically, from what I have discovered, a reporter from The Tennessean was here just after my last blog asking the head of the Fine Arts department questions about the gallery and the piece in question. Frankly, I wish I could call the piece by title, but since the gallery is locked up, I cannot go in to find out what the title of the piece is.

Rumor has it that this reporter is suppose to be the art critic for the local newspaper, but he never reviewed our faculty gallery or last year's student show. The only reason he came is because someone said the teachers here were "forcing us to produce pornographic material as art." That's bullshit. The article itself will probably be bullshit as well, with such a negative spin on the issue that might as well rival all those damn political commercials I've been seeing.

In any event, there is a tentative meeting tomorrow involving the gallery and what to do about it. If the meeting happens during my English class, my teacher has already informed me she will personally pull our class out and into the room where the meeting is held. This is the one change for us to actually voice our thoughts about what is going on and why it is ridiculous to cover up one piece when there are three other nude pieces around it, each showing either an very idealized ass, a playful penis, or a raw chicken that looks like a vagina.

All this over a penis.

Censored

Much like yesterday, the gallery doors are locked. While going to check my mail, I notced that two pieces were taken down, one of which was Brett's painting. On the wall of the other piece was a note saying "I refuse to participate in a censored show." I knew then that something happened.

I tried to take a peak into the gallery, but the doors were locked and the lights were out. I peered through the glass like some kind of window shopper in a porn shop. I couldn't see the piece that caused so much fuss. In it's place, I saw a black square.

I then took it upon myself to find out what's up. Turns out that they did put a black vail over the piece. In protest, several students are pulling out their pieces or covering them their own art work. The artist himself is pissed off royally! Frankly, I don't want the show to go on now and is able ready to take down all of the pieces still up in the hallway and shove them in the back room somewhere. I would, but there are cameras all over the place, even in the library.

This is stupid! I go to a liberal art college! A very liberal art college! The ironic thing is, my school if funded by a bunch of conservative shit heads! The commissioner's dinner is coming soon, and that means if he isn't happy with the gallery, we won't get a damn cent off of his rich ass.

Damn it, why can't this school be funded by someone like Aaron or at least someone that appreciates art like he does?

This whole thing makes me sick.

Speaking of weenies...

Today, I have learned that there has been a controversial debate going back and forth between the liberal and conservative members of the staff here over a single piece of art work.

The work itself is a picture of a man masturbating. It is a black and white photograph with the face of the model blurred out. The only thing clear and visible is the penis and his hand on it.

The artist, a film student, says that the reason why he did this piece was to show something that is perfectly natural, something perfectly normal, under the context of the nude human form. Female nudes are overdone. In fact, in my opinion, they are archaic. So, the artist felt that a complete 180 would be the best thing to do.

This piece is causing the most controversy because some people believe it is pornographic material. Frankly, it is all in the intent of the artist. If he wanted to produce pornography, he would have. Instead, he had a deep and thought out process as to what he wanted to produce. He wanted to produce art that pushed the idea of the nude figure, and by damn, he pushed it.

I'm expecting a lot of press coverage, some of which would probably be seen as negative. Those of you that come to my blog on a regular basis may want to keep tabs on this. Not only will this controversy dictate what we call art as artist, it will dictate what my school will teach, how they will teach it, and what pieces of art are to be displayed from this point out. This from a school whose censorship policy is that there is no censorship of anything.

And to think, the piece that won "Best of Show" as another piece by the same film student featuring beheadings to the audio track of beauty ads. That piece hasn't even being to stir the waters of what is acceptable art, mostly because the display area for it hasn't been finished. They are going to put behind a curtain.

Strangest Blog Comments Ever Made

Someone in my comments area is calling me a weenie because all I do is whine, bitch, complain, and feel sorry for myself a good majority of the time.

Three comments, each one of them calling me a miniature hot dog product. On top of that, all of them were anonymous.

Suspicions run high right now, but seeing how the person commented anonymously, I could care less at this point.

Hey, if you're going to insult me, at least leave your name.

Self-Confidence Level: 0

Screw it. I can't work today.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time handling rejection like this. I take that back. I do know why.

I never really won anything before. Contests I can understand, what with the whole "Many will enter, few will win" catch. But this gallery wasn't a contest. The jury panel went to each and every individual piece, critiqued it, and then determined if it was to be in the show or not. Simply put, my pieces didn't impress them enough to warrant a gallery slot. That's what's making it that much more difficult for me. If it was a contest and all they did was pick the first twenty pieces out of a raffle, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Luck of the draw has never been in my favor to begin with. This, however, feels so different.

Ever since then, every piece of work I've popped out of my head hasn't been to my satisfaction. Right now, we are suppose to be drawing with text, and nothing seems to be going the way I want it to. The Endless Waltz piece. Radames' Letter. Even the Signs of Evil idea I had while I was being told what the pentagram really meant in World Myth. Nothing seems like a good idea, and I cannot seem to bring myself to complete anything right now!

Thankfully, the Signs of Evil idea is to be a summer project, as with my Boy Pussy drawing idea I had for the last drawing project. Unfortunately, I know that no matter how much time I put into it, those pieces will never be gallery worthy.

God, I'm such a whiney bitch!

I should be happy that there are at least four male nude pieces in the student gallery. I least I got that wish.

So much for the invitation...

Today is the day that we find out if those who entered in the Student Gallery actually got in.

I didn't. I found both of my pieces in the Gallery Closet across the hall from the Gallery Supply Closet that is in the gallery itself. (Don't even try to follow that.)

Jason Diskell's male nude painting got in, which I'm happy about. I've been saying for a while that we need more male nudes in galleries, so I'm glad we have one in our student show.

Personally, I don't know how they judged the show. From the looks of things, they went for the aesthetic as well as the conceptual. In any event, my pieces were neither deep or pretty enough to get in.

As much as I knew I wouldn't get in, I was hoping that I would impress someone with my pieces. I apparently didn't. There's a part of me that keeps saying that I need to just let go and forget about it. Try again next year with things you will create over the summer again. There's also another part of me that is trying so hard to keep my chin up. The part of me that is trying for dear life to hang on to the last piece of self-confidence I have, which is slowly slipping away knowing I was rejected from the student show.

Rejection is a normal thing for me. You would think I would be used to it by now, but in this case, I'm not. I thought that in an art school the pieces I entered would be accepted and appreciated. Pushing what is art and all of that. Maybe I wasn't pushing the piece far enough. Maybe I just wasn't pushing myself. Then again, maybe I just suck.

"Cinnamon Girl" Critique

As much as Zero will hate me for saying this, I never really had much of an appreciation towards Prince. Yeah, some of his music is rather nice to listen to, but as an artist, I never was able to take him seriously. He just seems really weird to me.

While on a break from writing my paper, I decided to listen to some music on Yahoo! Launch. I then saw in the corner of the page a little box that asks if Prince went to far with his new video "Cinnamon Girl." Wondering what he did this time, I clicked the link to watch the video. (Hey, I missed Madonna's "Justify My Love" video. Do you think I'd miss this one?)

I'm not really a fan of any song that involves politics unless they are poking fun at it in general. Anti-war songs and the like are best enjoyed when I don't have any memory of the war. As such, I avoid those kind of songs and videos like the plague.

Well, guess what? "Cinnamon Girl" was one of those videos. The subject? 9-11.

Strangely enough, however, I sat through the entire thing. It was the art that drew me in. Despite the name of the song, you couldn't really tell the skin tone of the people in it. Their ethnicity was obvious, mostly by hair style and by what they wore, but their skin tones were practically transparent and were absorbed into the background.

As far as the controversy goes, I can see why some people thing that. This video does go in an awkward direction, of which I wasn't expecting. But, like most movies, it quickly takes a step back in time and fixes itself before the damage is done. (Hey, I'm trying not to spoil it here.)

I'm impressed by the video, and as an artist, Prince has won some points with me in an area few artists ever do.

Go watch it, and tell me what you think about it.

I Need A Vacation... NOW!

If last night was any kind of indication of why my morning was the way it was, I've lost my mind.

School has caused me to become borderline insane. I don't feel fit to be an artist. I don't feel fit to be human. I want to sleep. I don't want any problems. I don't want any responsibilities. I want to sleep and wake up with no problems, no deadlines, no stresses.

I want my innocence back. I want my freedom back. I want my sanity back.

I want to play video games again. I want to go to Walt Disney World again. I want to be able to have fun again.

God, I need a hug. A nice long loving one; not one of those "I'm sorry" kind of hugs. I need the kind that would make me cry and cling on to the person for dear life.

A Face = A Connection

I've heard the horror stories of how people treat their gay children, but like everyone else listening, I felt distanced. That changed today.

Jason Driskell, for those of you that haven't been reading as long as I've been blogging, was someone I grew to fancy over the course of last year. I believe he is graduating this year. He's a very kind, very artistic person. His paintings are beautiful and vivid. Just looking at him makes me smile.

I learned in Clay today that Jason is one of these people. He is one of people in the world that have to deal with parents that don't love him because he is gay. Everything was there. His parents were Christians. They do not go to any of his openings, and Jason has had several gallery openings from what I understand. On top of that, he lives with them and wants nothing more than to just make them happy and proud of him. He even went to church with a group of people who were "recovering homosexuals" just to make them happy!

Upon learning this, I started to become overwhelmed with depression. I turned around and expressed my feelings on the matter, but my judgment and choice of words came out all wrong. Even my tone of voice did not sound like I was being sincere! I felt bad for Jason, but I couldn't express it orally to even the person next to me.

I'm lucky. I don't have to go through all that shit. Compared to Jason, I have the perfect family for a gay artist like himself. One that supports him and his talent.

If I could, I would try my damnest to do something for Jason right now to make it all better for him. What, I don't know. I just want to do something to make his hurt go away. I never did like hearing these kind of stories, and now that I have a face to put on one story (a face that I find equally attractive as his works of art), I find myself hating these kind of situations even more!

I wish the world didn't have to be this way. I wish for once that we didn't have to label people. I wish that things could be different.

I just wish I could fix things for Jason.

Spam in the Comments

Okay, I found a flaw in this system of Blogger.

I just got spammed. If you go through my last twenty-posts (and I doubt you will), you will find that a few comments have been deleted due thanks to me.

Why?

Because some jackass decided it would be fucking hilarious if they advertised two of their websites on my own.

Listen up, fucker, because this is directed at you!

I don't like advertising on a site that doesn't want it or doesn't need it. I don't pay to have my site around thanks to whatever is making Google and Blogger rich. I don't need ads on here thanks to the fact that Blogger took them out. I don't need your advertisements in my damn blog. No one goes here with the exception of a few people that have stumbled upon my blog for political reasons, social reasons, or even out of the interest of getting into people's lives. I don't advertise my site on your blog; you shouldn't advertised your site on mine as blatantly as you did. It makes me sick, it is a waste of your time and that dumb bot you, no doubt, have made. Get a life, and leave my fucking blog alone if you cannot leave a fucking comment about what I am writing about. If you don't care about my site, then I sure as hell do not care about yours.

Fucking money grabbing son of a gold digging pussy fucking bastard crack whore cunt. If I had the power, you'd burn in hell! You hear me?! BURN IN HELL!!!

Not Going to Happen

World Mythology is canceled, so until then I'm pretty much going to be wondering around doing whatever work I can. Right now, however, I'm in the library sitting across a sight to behold.

He is a young man, probably just turned 20. He has a large-faced, silver-ish wrist watch on his left hand that he is using to hold up his head. His face has some rather nice and delicate features. Very femininate eyes and a shade of blue/hazel that is just like a rare gem of some kind. Brunette with slight but not much facial hair. He is casually dressed and is doing some kind of research (which I'm kind of not right now) or a paper. He's fairly tall, skinny, and his hair is short and turns upward like the popular preppie look.

I am distracted by his beauty. I don't know how to say this, but he is just simply heavenly! So why am I not doing anything? Why am I not actually going after him?

Simply put, I just can't. My want to be with someone as visually appealing as him has dropped to the point where I could care less. He's a beautiful young man, but I know for a fact that nothing would work out between us. So I don't try.

In short, he's cute and I've gave him so many glances that I should be kicked out just for staring at him too much.

Damn it, Bill! Why can't you turn 18 sooner?!

I hate being this way. I'm always like that with people I fancy and find visually appealing. Always. I need someone like Bill who will hook me up and get past this stupid hang up of mine or whatever it is that caused me to not do anything with people I'm attractive too! Badly!

"Good Evening"

A Tribute to Alfred Hitchcock

Join the watkins Film School students in Film History 101 for a special evening with Pat Hitchcock O'Connell as she presents an intimate glimpse into the extraordinary life of her late father, Alfred Hitchcock.

• Take behind-the-scenes look at Alfred Hitchcock in an exclusive tribute video!
• Participate in a Q&A session with Pat Hitchcock O'Connell!
• View a special screening of Hitchcock's 1950 film Stagefright!

Monday, October 25
6:00 PM - 9:00 PM
Watkins Theatre
2298 MetroCenter Boulevard
Free and open to the public!

Damn! First the Lord of the Rings event, and now you get to talk to the daughter of one of the most famous people in Hollywood to date! The film department is really doing some good here compared to last years independent films from another country.

Late Night Thunderstorm

Yet again, I had another restless night, but it wasn't because of my own psychy. No, it was thanks in part to a thunderstorm that just came out of nowhere!

After staying up and actually watching X-Play for the first times since I watched the Tokyo Gaming Show 2004 episode, I tried to go to sleep with a clear head. Clear meaning I was stupifided by the television.

I didn't even bother to check the clock, but thunder woke me up. Normally, that wouldn't happen if I'm sound asleep, which I have been since I noticed my naps were lasting four hours long. The lightning strikes must be really close, however. I woke up feeling like bombs where exploding overhead. The windows rattled, the door hindges creaked, even my walls vibrated! This rarely happens (with the exception of those late night joy-riders with the system in their car that went out with the last century).

In any event, I'm tired and is unable to concentraite. Thankfully, my World Mythology class has been canceled for tomorrow due to SBOS (Student Burn Out Syndrome).

Here's Hoping

Today is the first day of two in which students can submit pieces of art to be judged for the student gallery. The winners of the jurying will be displayed as well as given prize money for the best of show.

I entered two peices this year. One of which I believe has a better chance of getting in than the other.

The wax piece I've been doing over the weekend came out rather nicely, and everyone that I have shown it to has given a positive response to it. The mask pretty much went unnoticed. I think I know which of the ones may win and which of the ones I'll end up taking home. Kind of funny how the one piece I want to put on sale (mostly because I'm sick of seeing it) is getting the most reaction. That's a good thing.

I still haven't got in yet, but the positive reaction from the students is proving good to my lack of self-esteem. If I don't get in, there's always next year.

If I do get in, I'm inviting David, Bill, Dan, and anyone else I talk to to come on down to the reception/award ceremony. If anyone else wants to come along, I'll be sure to post further information here. Just make a note in the comments area.

Because I haven't ranted in a while...

Here are some of my thoughts free of charge.

Halloween

This whole month has featured nothing but the little holiday known the world over thanks to that little thing called "Western Influence." Yes, All's Hallow Eve has made it's way to places as far as Japan. Well, as far civilized areas of the world at least. Everyone has their reason to enjoy the holiday, mostly because of the candy or dressing up. Sometimes both.

Myself? The holiday has lost its fun. Yes, I still live in the realm where I wish I could put on a decent pair of black angel wings and walk around like I belong in a bad Final Fantasy game, as well as the inexplicable want to dress up like a cat boy and roll around on the ground like a horny teenage virgin so loose I could fit the whole world up my ass. Unfortunately, the whole want to do these costumes requires a time, energy, and money that I do not have. Not to mention I don't have the sexy and slender build to pull off the cat boy outfit that would turn any straight boy red. Yeah, that seems like a completely bullshitty excuse as to not to get into the spirit, and it might as well be.

This holiday, much like Thanksgiving and Christmas, is a holiday that is best suited for those that have a nice and tight-knit family and friend web. That's not me.

Insecurities From Last Night

So, last night, I was introduced indirectly to yet another Jason.

I seem to have some strange luck in that name. It would appear that anyone named Jason I find appealing in one way or another. O'Brian (Sorry, I know I totally screwed up your name), for example, I find easy to talk to and hang out with. I like that and I feel very comfortable around him.

This Jason that Bill informed me about is pretty much a picture perfect boy. His description reminds me of Austin Gordon. (Do a search now that my blog has a search bar.) Long blond hair, skater built, just probably the hottest hottie you could find in Boston from the sounds of it. The one thing that got my attention was the fact that he is a Disney fan!

See, this is a big deal with me. I told David last night that I feel a bit ashamed admitting that I still like Disney or anything even remotely related Disney in public. My experience has taught me that action isn't very keen when you are trying to get people to like you given my age range. Well, as far as basic socializing that is. If I can find anyone with even a remote interest in the Disney parks, I have found a decent common ground to talk about.

Well, naturally, I asked how big of a fan this Jason is. Bill told me that he pretty much "eat, sleeps, and shits Disney." How much so? Well, he can recite lines from the rides and movies if that tells you anything.

My mistake that I am still dreading about is that I told Bill a person that can recite the lines of the ride audio isn't the best person to go to the parks with. It was just something I felt like telling him just in case, on a whim, he was going to the parks with Jason. I see now that was a really stupid thing to do, as well as unfair to Jason himself. I haven't even met the guy or spent one ounce of time with him to know if he does that kind of thing, which most guests find annoying.

The guilt was there last night for a good chunk of the IMs I had with David, but I tried to not let it get in the way of the conversation. Guilty IMs haven't always been a good thing when talking with David and the others. In fact, they find it annoying.

I just hope I haven't screwed up something that was probably the best thing to happen to me in a long time.

DDR: Club Disney

While on Chip-and-Dale's House (WARNING: The site is entirely in Japanese!), I found a rather interesting event called Club Disney Super Dancin' Mania. Basically, over the course of the park's year in 2000, they had three different versions of the show showcasing several different musical genres, all of which you are encourage to dance to.

This reminded me of Dance Dance Revolution's Disney Rave that apparently flew under the radar with most DDR players. What reminded of it was the fact that the music they used pretty much was ripped from the game itself. However, I noticed that some of the mixes were better and longer than what is in the game. Well, at least the tracks I liked.

Unfortunately, I remember being told that DDR: Disney Rave sucks major ass compared to the rest of the DDR Series. The learning curve might as well be non-existent since it is impossible to fail. The only thing the game had going for it was Battle Mode, where you could cause your opponent's steps to get harder and harder depending on how well you did on your side.

I propose that Konami's Bemani division make a second version featuring the songs used in Tokyo Disneyland's Club Disney show, both in their full length and DDR's trademark one- to two-minute versions. I also suggest that they make the difficulty equal to that with the rest of the games in the series. I mean, just because it's a Disney game doesn't mean it has to be easy. Look at Kingdom Hearts!

Who am I fooling? I'm asking too much.

Oh well, at least I can watch videos of Chip and Dale dancing to YMCA whenever I want. There's something entertaining about seeing The Three Little Pigs dress up like The Village People.

When will I get a computer of my own?!

Just before starting this blog entry, I came down and saw my mom on this computer. Well, I made the mistake of whining about it saying that she will more than likely put spyware on here by accident. She got mad at me saying that she's very careful of that. I immediately told her differently.

Then she said that this computer was hers. Didn't she tell me several months ago that this computer was mine, or at least going to be mine? What? Did she take that back?

I need a new computer, and once I get one, I'm doing what my sister did with hers. She has a password that needs to be entered whenever the computer turns on. It is suppose to keep mom out of her computer.

Why didn't I do that on this computer? Well, because my mom is technically right. This isn't my own personal computer, even though I look up porn on it and download all these videos of Tokyo Disney Resort shows and rides. It should be my computer seeing how all my games are on here and I pretty much take up at least one-fucking-gigabyte of space. I bet she has yet to break one megabyte on here, but what do I know?

I hate being in college and not having a computer of my own. Time to add another item to my Christmas list... to the top of my list, that is.

Okay, that's enough of that for now. I think I ranted enough to make up for the last several weeks of one-paragraph posts.

Four Hour Naps?

This is the second day in my weekend so far where I have taken a four hour nap with the intention of napping for only two hours. Why? Am I becoming that sleep deprived as of late or am I becoming that stressed out over things?

Today, I found myself sweating over a drawing. Over a drawing! I don't remember ever doing that in my lifetime. I don't remember getting so worked up over a drawing before that, in its very creation, is nothing more than a test at an old idea.

Unfortunately, I cannot get that idea to work. At least in the background.

The other day, I told David about my pieces that I will be putting into the Student Gallery. I've been getting several "Good luck" wishes from everyone. It's going to be hard to impress the judges of professional artists from the local scene. That's the only way I'll ever get in.

Our conversations then suddenly took a rather unusual turn. David pretty much asked me out on a date. Well, not really a date, but a fun date. Something I qualify as a get-together. It was only yesterday that I found out that he intends on bringing me to him in Boston. Hey, if my English teacher can go to New York for a weekend, I don't see why I can't do something similar.

I need a vacation. I mean, really badly. It's mid-term, so from here on out, my classes are going to be all about making deadlines and the line. My World Mythology class teacher already is planning on pushing back a class one day because everyone is so burned out. Wish that was the case of the other classes. I could use a free weekend, preferable one that would nicely fall into when David is suppose to pick me up to go to Boston.

Crap. Just jynxed it by mentioning it. Oh well, I can still dream... during my four hour naps, no less.

Burn, Baby, Burn!

Well, I have nothing really immediate due for Monday. Unless you include finishing up my drawing of a cat boy for Drawing 3 and reading the rest of the Gospel of Mark for Work Myth, this weekend is going to be spent doing one thing.

Burning candles.

So help me, I'm going to be firing up and melting all of the candles I have bought over the week. I have three inches left on my current one that has been burning for 8 hours total. I have three more 12" candles that will take probably a good couple of days to melt. Then I have twelve 6" candles that, hopefully, will not take that long to melt, but will make just as big of a mess.

If I ever needed a blow torch, this weekend was it.

Sick of School (Finally)

I have about two pieces left to put on my clay pig, part of the skull and the snout. Why am I not doing them right now?

Because I am fucking burnt out. I'm dehydrated with no sign of any kind of refreshment within my grasp. I'm not in a good mood. My head hurts. My hands feel like they have been casted into cement.

I want to go home. I don't want to read my text for World Myth, but I know I'm going to have to anyway. I do not want to continue on my drawing for Drawing 3. I do not want to even touch up my mask for the student gallery. I want to go home, wait for BraviSEAmo! or Style! to play on the internet radio (seeing how I don't have either shows' CD or the MP3s of their audio), and just be a lazy ass that I am. Mix in some popcorn and a bottle of coke, and call me done.

I want to be lazy just for one week. Why can't Thanksgiving break come by any faster?

Whoopsie...

Damn me all to hell! I forgot today is my sister's birthday! I'm a bag big brother.

But I don't wanna!!

I don't want to go to Clay today. I don't want to put a head on my pig that I'm working on unless the clay will actually do what I want it to do today. I don't want to do any wedging of clay, I don't want to make any slip to help secure joints together. I don't wan to try to make something I should have never even considered making. I just want to pretend this class never even existed.

You know, just like my last blog, I'm finding it hard to complain while BraviSEAmo! is playing over the internet radio.

A Pig Made of Clay Makes No Pork

I told myself earlier in the weekend that I would spend the week after my classes were done working my pig for clay. I kept to it today, but unfortunately, I got nothing done.

See, for some reason, the clay didn't mold to the way I wanted the pig's head to form. No matter what I did, the pieces of clay I put down would just warp, crack, or just plain not cooperate with me. After an hour, the only thing I got up was the lower lip and tongue. Knowing my luck, that one piece would have warped itself when I come in tomorrow thanks to that little thing called gravity.

To think, earlier, I was complaining about how easy and stress-free this semester was starting to be. Well, mid-terms for me is just around the river's bend. So far, the only classes I have to worry about are English as far as anything due that counts towards mid-terms. I'm sure that will all change. Looks like I got that stress I was starting to miss.

I would complain more, but I've been cheered up rather quickly thanks to the soundtrack to Tokyo DisneySEA's parade Style!. It's a pity that the parade is going to end in a few weeks. At least I have the video from a member at MouseInfo, but what I wouldn't give to have the sountrack to that show. Such beautiful music. That show and BraviSEAmo! are the two Tokyo Disney shows I want to keep the music from for my future enjoyment.

Hey, I can dream.

Sleepless

Last night was the roughest and most restless night I have ever had.

I couldn't sleep. I kept turning and tossing in my bed as if I was looking for something. As if I wanted to find someone with me each time I shifted my body. I wanted someone to hold me and lull me back to sleep with a "Hey, what's wrong? It's okay. I'm here. Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

When I could go to sleep, I dreamt about friends that I saw from a distance. I saw comrades in battle stick together. I saw best friends hanging out doing nothing. I even saw several cartoon shows about friends replay in my mind as if I was watching them on television!

I need someone I can sleep with. Not sex, but just someone to sleep with. These kind of nights are killing me.

Busted Cap

Around noon, I had to literally slap myself to get any work done. I have this bad habit of telling myself I'll do something only to not do it in the end. It's so bad, that apparently it spread to my promise to Bill where I would take him to Disney World for the summer.

Turns out all the touch up work I had to do for the mask could be done in an hour. Who knew? Too bad I have homework to do, so my mystery story looks like it will still be on hold for a while.

I just hope my black paint tube doesn't seal shut. I broke the cap when I twisted it too hard. I have it sitting upside-down until it dries. (Yeah, the paint is expensive, but the tube it comes in is super cheat and expendable. Nice to know where the money is going towards.)

Murder on Hold

That would make an interesting mystery. I'll do that later.

I really hate doing this, but I'll be putting my main weekend creative diversion from school on the back burners for now. Why?

I received in my mail box that the Student Gallery Show is just around the corner. I have one piece that I really want to submit, and so that it is gallery worthy, I'm going to spend the weekend touching it up and doing all sorts of things to it to help improve the line quality, the color, and whatever else I feel needs to be done.

On top of that, I need to come up with a better title for the piece than The Fox - A Peking Opera Kabuki Mask.

Art Lovers Invited to Bare All

From Scotsman.com News

A gallery owner has created a stir by encouraging visitors to an exhibition of nudes to strip off to help them to feel closer to the art, he said today.

Kevin Money, 39, is offering 25% off any purchases of works from the Bodyline exhibition at Gallery 39 in Swindon, Wiltshire, to anyone who bares all.

That's not the most interesting part of the article. Check this out.

He added that less open-minded people in Swindon have reacted against the display of paintings, drawings and photographs, which includes one image of an erect penis.

The gay image in the window has attracted shouts and jeers from local yobs and he has been told the show is 'disgusting' and 'filthy' by other residents.

Describing Swindon as "a cultural desert", he insisted he would stand firm and not be intimidated by the hostility.

"I'm not going to be driven out by gay taunts," he said.

All this over an image of an erect penis that is in the window. This in an area of the world were any billboard you see on the highway shows a female breast. I wonder if Robert Mapplethorpe had the same kind of problem. Most of his works are nothing but nude males with erect penises. Hell, his work has been called pornographic by some!

We can show nude women in galleries, but when you show a nude male, you're immediately told the piece is trash. Yeah, that's fair. We need more nude males in art galleries.