2004 Reflection

It's New Years Eve, and everyone is looking back on what happened in the news. Things they remember or stand out. This entry is no different than those 20 minute TV spots. Only I'm not looking for nostalgia. I'm looking to see if I've grown any.

The year started off better than I had hoped it could ever start out. I was taught by two wonderful teachers that I respect and had the pleasure of just being in their classes. They brought a joy to the semester I knew I could never find in most classroom settings.

The next thing I remember was having that joy shattered into pieces. I failed to deliver yet another promise to Bill. If anyone was disappointed in anyone when that day came, it was myself. I wanted nothing more but this opportunity to give Bill something special, and I felt I had lost that chance because of unforeseen events.

The summer went by with a lot of emotions weighing down. I kept feeling like I wasn't worth even a penny to fuck. I produced what little art I could conjure up in my head to keep myself as stable as possible. I tried to keep my mind off of things, but I couldn't. One thing burned inside of me. David.

I blogged about David and didn't expect anything from it. After all, who reads this tripe? I poured my guts out like I was in a confessional. Every word I typed I said honestly. And then it happened. I got an e-mail saying that David would like to talk to me on IMs.

The Fall Semester started, and by then I had the one person, the one friend I knew I had in my life back. Feeling grateful and lucky, I faced the new semester with the same hope that just maybe my life would turn around. Maybe now I can finally be normal.

That wasn't the case. If anything, this past semester taught me that I'm no where near where I should be artistically, intellectually, mentally, emotionally, and even socially. I lacked more skills to survive in this world than most high school freshmen. But did I see this? No. I had David by my side, and having a friend like him was the only thing that mattered to me. Everything else was child's play.

Holidays came and went as fast as they normally do. My 21st birthday wasn't as big as everyone else's. I didn't drink beer. I didn't get laid. I didn't do much of anything when I turned legal again except maybe homework. Looking back on it, my birthday just seemed to be just another day in my life.

My sister started college in the fall for the first time, and she has had a rough time with it. She started to miss home around mid-term. She had dorm mates that were as bitchy as most of the reality show girls which just added more fuel to the want to go home. She did what I wanted to do, and she didn't even want to be there. At that moment, I started to wonder why. Why did she even think about going to an out of state college? Why did I settle for one that was in state?

Last night, I found out the guy that I fancy doesn't like people that are lazy and do not get out in the world. He's fallen down to rock bottom and back several times only to get back up and try again, so why can't the ones that just sit there and just complain about their lives? Why can I do that? He has no tolerance for people that need to be supported by others. I liked him. I was really interested in him. The moment he told me that, I knew then and there that all this was just in vain. He would never like me back.

It's the last day of the year, and looking back on everything has shown me I haven't grown one inch better. I may have been able to stand up to my mother and deny her the pleasure of knowing that I can be taken out of a grumpy mood as easily as a six year old. I may have been able to get over a vice that consumed most of my life worst than any kind of drug or alcoholic substance could ever hope to do with me. I may have been able to keep my cool after being insulted and told my life is not the way to go. But I do not feel like I have grown up any better than where I was at the start of the year. I'm still living at home. I still barely have any money to afford any classes. I still don't drive. I still don't have a job. I still am single. These things have not changed since the start of the year, and I go into the new one with these still a part of me.

Do I want to change any of those? Truth be told, I'm selective on all those factors. My job is my life, and my life is being this insane little artist boy that produces things the experts in the field are rarely impressed by. I don't want to live at home because I don't feel like I am home, but I know I can never be able to leave this place because of lack of funds. The only thing that would make home more endurable is if I am lucky enough to find that special someone that makes me feel whole. As for the driving part? I could make up hundreds of reasons why I don't want to drive, but truth is that I just don't feel like I'm up to it. I don't deserve the privilege to drive. I know myself well enough to know that I am not mature enough to be on the roads.

I leave 2004 with despair. I enter 2005 with hope. That's all I can do. Hope for something better.