So now what do I do?

Regretfully, because I have no distraction to help prioritize any of my work, I started on all my written assignments that needed to be done. The whole time I was not enjoying myself. I felt as if these papers were nothing more than mere chores, and who likes doing chores? Okay, that was a stupid question.

Just awhile ago, I finished writing this:

My Hair: A Verbal Self Portrait

I feel that my hair best represents myself as a person, especially at the current length that my hair is at right now. My hair is just there, much like myself. Barely noticed sometimes, my hair is just part of the overall picture. I feel this is appropriate because I feel like I am just part of a big picture in the background and never the subject of anything special. My hair gets in the way a lot. I seem to get in the way of people when I do no mean to, either by accidentally bumping into someone in the hall or by doing something within a group project that just won't work. Everyone has had their hair cut. Hair can be easily molded and changed. I find myself very easy to influence and change, especially if caught in a moment of deep thought and vulnerability. I have only been complimented on my hair once back when it was long enough to fall just below my shoulder blades. A total stranger came up to me and said that my hair was extremely beautiful, as if like velvet. My sister wondered if that meant that the person was saying my hair looked fake. Since it is the only compliment that my hair ever received, as well as quite possibly the only compliment I can remember as to my physical beauty, I believe that this is a sign that real beauty is only skin deep. Since hair is made up of dead proteins under the skin, my real beauty must be deep inside myself and won't show itself until I pass from this Earth. As cryptic as this sounds, I cannot help but wonder if that is really the case. The reason is, like long hair that keeps ones head warm in the winter when a hat or hood cannot be found, I feel like I am not fully appreciated until, like a bald man looking at himself in his high school year book back when he was young and had a full head of hair, I am gone from everyone that once knew me. Or at least I hope.

I had the choice of either writing about it or doing some kind of visual response. That when I remembered about Christina's pictures of me the other day and how I looked so drained and depressed. There was one that she took where my hair was all over my face because of the wind. If that came out the way I hope it does before I wrote this, I would have snatched it up and used it for this assignment. However, I know a photo of that kind of quality takes time, and Christina isn't my aunt working at CVS's one-hour photo lab. I will just have to make due and wait.

This morning as I watched Saturday Morning Cartoons (Hey, don't laugh at me like that! I like my cartoons, okay? Give me a break!), I kept replaying what Jaime and Christina said about how I looked lost, drained, and how I looked like I did not want to be in school. Overlapping that was an IM I had with Brian. He said that he's been where I am right now, not caring about things but yet still caring. A conflicting cross of emotions and a lack there of. From the sounds of it, this could be just extreme stress. Still, I can't help but wonder if this is really something more?

I started daydreaming again about the perfect boyfriend, the one that does not exist. There is nothing wrong with daydreaming and fantasizing. It's a healthy way to exercise the imagination. Still, I know my pass mistakes. I know for a fact that if I do this too much, I'll end up setting up too high of an expectation if and when I do meet Mr. Perfect.

I cannot help but think about my life and where it is going. I know it is a mistake to validate myself to other people, but I cannot help myself in doing so! I've seen first hand, as if in a front row seat in a concert, how Ken and Jaime got together and how happy they are around each other. It is like someone watching me draw that is not an artist in any way. I feel like I am looking at something I can never have. While I am truly happy for the both of them, I feel sad that I cannot and probably will not ever feel that way or have what they have.

Now is not the time to get depressed... but, DAMN do I need a distraction!