Morning Thoughts @ a Cafe Table Because Class is Canceled/Afterthoughts of the Day

It makes me wonder sometimes, this thing that I do. You know, being a KaZaA user. Okay, so I am really a K-lite user, but I still use a P2P Network. As such, I am a criminal in the eyes of the law. Do I care? Not really. It just bothers me how easy it is to label people. It also makes me sick how everything cost something.

Maybe I don't know the value of a buck. Maybe it is all thanks to Josh or Dan or someone proving to me that money is evil. Maybe it is because I refuse to get a job because I do not like this capitalistic society where your worth is measured by how big your bank account is. Call me stupid, but I believe that the people that should be in charge are the ones with a strong character. We think we are really voting for someone like that, but we are really voting on the people who has the most money.

But this is too political.

The one thing I find really disturbing is the fact that my actions and thoughts as of late are somewhere else. They are back to a time when I felt like anything was possible. Now, however, I feel like things aren't ever going to be that way again.

I really need to get laid before I got ethereal in my writings.

After I wrote that, I began to do a drawing. I finished it with a little blurb of my thoughts. When I took a step back, I got a little bit scared. It looked as if I reverted back into what I was, a mess of emotions not knowing which way is up. I knew then I had to talk to Jaime. Her Pyscho Ex 'zine she gave me (which is a good read in itself) made me wonder if I was reverting back. Since that was her work, logic made me think that she was the best person to turn to. I was right in that assumption. Before Creativity, we talked about what it was I wrote and drew. I gave her what back story I could, mostly the stuff that isn't on this blog's archives. We both agreed on one thing: The last fours of my life with Andrew and James and everyone is very complicated to explain and extremely weird. Jaime told me that it normally takes the same amount of time that you were involved for you to get over a person. Does that mean I'm going to be like this for the next four years? If that is the case, I hope I survive to see my twenty-first birthday.

When Creativity ended, Jaime asked me what it is I want to do. Her tone caught me off guard. It sounded like I was being scolded again for doing something wrong. I didn't know what she wanted to hear. She then explained that she wanted to know why I am even at school now. I drew a blank. I just shrugged my shoulders. When I thought of something to say, I realized that what I wanted to say was stupid. Tell her that I'm going to school because I feel like I don't have an option anymore? Yeah right. Experience has told me never to say anything like that to anyone. After I answered, she said that I looked rather lost. I thought to myself as to what she meant by that. I'm sure she explained it to me, but her explanation must not clicked.

With that freash on my mind, I asked Christina if I looked lost as well. She agreed with Jaime. I looked lost to her, as well as pale and as if gravity was taking over. I guess where my mind was at transferred to the outside.

I waited for my ride, like I do every day I have only two classes. While I was waiting, I just thought about this and that. Mostly I thought about just going away. I'm not happy. I don't really want to work. I don't to be bored and alone. I don't want to be a lot of things. The only thing I want to do is be happy.

Christina took some pictures of me at my depressed best (if there is even such a thing). I need more pictures of me that are recent. Hell, I just need more pictures of myself. After she took them, I asked if I could have some copies provided that the pictures come out looking good. She said I could. I wonder how I look when I'm in a mind set where all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. Should be interesting.

Finally, I want to just say a quick little thank you to all of you reading this right now, especially Jaime and Brian. Even thought I don't know if you are regular readers or not, I do appreciate you reading this blog. Even though I'm not there talking to you about any of these, mostly because I'm afraid to in person, I'm really glad that this blog has not scared you off from me. At least, I hope it hasn't. It makes me feel just that little bit better. Thank you so very much, guys. You'll never know how much your reading this will mean to me.