Confused and Alone

I am sitting here listening to my Linkin Park CDs that my sister got/burned for me thinking about something someone once said to me. A line that I took as a grain of salt at the time turns out to be more than what I originally thought.

Did I accidentally choose to get into something that I really no longer have the drive to do? Am I trying to, once again, become something I am no longer or for that matter never have been? If that is really the case, how come I don't know it? Why is it that I am not aware of this change in what I am and what I will be? Why was I not aware of this sooner?

My writing is better than my art. My art is better than my grammar. My trivial knowledge is better than my logic. I know I am capable of intelligent conversation, but yet why is everything that I say sound so stupid? My dreams and fantasies rule me in a reality in which they cannot happen. I want to be something I am not. I am something I do not want to be. I want to be something that I cannot be. I am becoming that which I do not wish to be because there is no other option.

What do I do now? How do I find what it is that I am good at? How do I find out what it is that I am suppose to be when what I want to be is never going to happen (unless there really is a secret cult of wizards out there looking for their leader, who has a power so great that it could potentially destroy the world as we know it)? How the hell can I feel important and, at the very least, appreciated? Why can't I feel those emotions within my own family? Why is it that I feel like I am a burden to people? What is making me feel so insecure?

I sit here listening to Linkin Park. I am thinking about what it is I need to do for my homework. Read some poems and study for my first major test since high school. Yet, I do not want to do any of it. I'm tired of trying to make the grade. I'm tired of going to the same building passing by a gallery of those who made it, wondering why I have to take what feels like Art 1 just to get where they are. I'm sick of the way I keep beating myself over the head thinking that I am this burden to everyone knowing that all I do is follow them all over the place trying to learn and experience everything that I know I have never been able to before. Most of all, I'm just upset at myself because I cannot see a way to change any of these things. Brian said that I've actually come a long way since I started college. In fact, he believes that I'm actually better off than where I was several months ago. I actually have friends that I see, but yet I don't hang out with them. I can finally talk to people again instead of IMing them, which is easier as far as being able to convey my emotions goes. Things are a lot better than they were before... on paper. The reality is that I feel like I have not really gone anywhere. It's just high school all over again. I had friends in high school that I never really hung out with. I talked to people, but I was and still am an internet junkie living in this work of codes and numbers. The only difference is that I am not as big as an emotional wreck... or am I?

How I wish that things were different. I wish I was normal. I wish I was raised differently. I wish I knew what all these mixed up emotions mean. I wish I knew all the things that I missed. I wish I never made the mistakes that I made that cost me more than what I could afford to lose. I wish I could just take back so many things I regret saying. I wish there was someone I could come home to that wasn't afraid to try to make me feel important for once. I wish for a lot of things I will never get.

Dark and torment I have become. The pains and traumas of the past are scarred too deep to heal. I'm just a lost puppy now. A lost puppy looking for someone to love him and make the hurt of being alone go away. Maybe even someone to help guide me. Someone to just rescue me.

Like that will happen.