NO MORE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE!!

While watching cartoons this morning, I saw David on TV. That's the first time since seven or so weeks ago that any one of them has popped up when I was really not thinking about any of them for once. What is the deal? Am I going to be haunted and tortured like this for the next four or five years?! I can't live like this when every time I want to watch TV to relax I end up seeing someone or someone that looks like someone from my past life!

As if that's not bad enough, I believe my mother is getting a bit too into this whole debutante ball thing for my sister. Waltzes, special decoration, traditional Filipino dances, a court of friends that keeps changing because everyone is complaining and we are trying to make everyone happy, etc. It's bad enough that I had to listen to nothing but waltzes and Michael Bolton every time she picks me up from Watkins! Do I have to be in the monkey in the middle on the ride home hearing about how this person cancelled at the last second, how pissed off my sister is because of said event, and how worried my mother becomes just because she loves for things to work like a finely crafted Switzerland Clock?

I can't get my mind off how alone I feel lately even with all these stresses (and homework) piled down on me. I cannot seem to get out of this system of staying to myself. I can't bring myself to call anyone to see if they want to hang out. I believe it is due to fear that I may be an intrusion or some kind of burden. How the hell did I get into this mind set that I am a burden to someone? And why is it that I cannot do anything about this feeling? I feel so messed up, but everyone tells me I'm not. This is just who I am. I still feel like who I am is just... wrong somehow. It makes me confused. This whole thing about who or what I am to other people and to myself just makes me feel like I cannot really be anything more, like I can not be any better than where I am right now. And still, I cannot help but feel that this big feeling of loneliness is the result of some kind of trauma. I fear that it is a recent trauma that set it off like a rocket.

Times like these are when people need friends the most. I just wish I had someone that would be able to baby me a little bit back into who I once was if not someone better. I really need help getting over this, but I do not want to be a burden for anyone. I just... I don't know what it is that I need, but I know I need something bigger than what I had going for me.

Yeah right, like that will ever happen ever again.

I guess I'm just going to be like this for the next four or five years. I hope the madness does not take over.