Listen to My Heart?

Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 01:07:42 EDT
Subject: Me again

Hey Pokie

I'm sorry my E mail sent you into a tail spin.I'm glad to learn you have a nice person that you can count on and I'm sure she is cool and has your best interest at heart. I didn't mean to imply that you were worthless by not haveing friends 24/7 I think you were a little harsh though by saying how stupid can I be. I was only hopefull Pokie I have been there you know that I have hit bottom, and recovered but I was hopefull you would break the darkness.and have some friends to hang out with that's all. I'm thinking my E mailing you was a bad thing I'm sorry mayby you don't want us around. I can understand but I can't help feel like your Family and I know deep down you care about us I know you do Pokie.

See how one comment of mine can get my ass into so much trouble I cannot see a way to fix it because the damage has already been done?? That's how it's always been with them! I say one thing on the spur of the moment driven by emotion and end up getting into an emotional shit pan over it! Why am I so easy to make feel guilty?

Anyway to bring you up to speed... James talks about you alot and he and Matt are no more. James thinks you would have been the perfect boy but he regrets not doing his best with you. ...we are all moveing to Greenwich Connecticut. So looks like were moving... Jack... said you owe him a Disney Vacation I would hate to see you blow us off Jon but go with your heart.

Leo

I censored most of this part of the e-mail for a reason. It's my respect I have for them.

I hate the way Jack has such a good memory. It's been three years since I promised that to him, and I botched it up twice. Ironically, while watching a Disneyland special on Travel Channel, I was thinking of him... as well as during the time I was watching about the secrets behind Walt Disney World. Jack would love going on the Richard Petty Experience. He has a lead foot. There was another surprise in the e-mail that I censored, seeing how it is for my eyes only. I will say this about it, though: At least Jack broke tradition like he intended.

The biggest surprise is what happened with James and Matt. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I thought those two were as good as gold. The kind that would never tarnish. Maybe my little hair essay is coming true now. It brings a little smile to my face knowing that I am getting some kind of attention. That smile is changed to a frown when I realize that I was right about one thing about myself. I am and never will be appreciated until I'm gone from everyone that knows me... just like a head of hair that used to dawn a balding man's scalp.

So he tells me to go with my heart. Every time I've done that, I always end up doing something wrong. Or at least I feel like I've done something wrong. Ironically, the only time I've ever really listen to my heart is when it involved them! Frankly, I'm just too scared to listen to my heart ever again.

Crap, I'm becoming another pile of conflicting emotions yet again. Why today? This will only make my sister's debutante ball more and more difficult to endure.