Burned Out for the Day

God, what was I thinking?! Today was going to be a whole day devoted to getting my work done, but I only got two things out of the way on a list that is so long it's ridiculous!

The first thing I did after I completed my morning routine was look up the theaters that my Creativity teacher gave me. The reason is for my final project, I am going to write a grant proposal as a way of presenting my creative process. It seems like a doable option, but I have a lot of work ahead of me. Well, you see, I was thinking that maybe I can get some kind of structure outside of what I was able to gather from the teachers at school from the theaters that actually have to read these things. The first theater said on their website that they do not take adaptations. This cancels me out because the play I will be writing and proposing is an adaptation of Nightmare Before Christmas. The next two on the list do not have web sites nor any kind of number that I can find online. The last theater company had a website and a link to who is in charge of development, but nothing about what they look for in a proposal. I e-mailed the staff member in charge of development.

It was around this time that I remembered that Disney formed their own little Broadway company. Surely they would have something about how to write or present a grant to them! Nope. If you go to the site, they have nothing on that subject manner. If you can submit proposals to Disney, it is a well guarded secret from public eyes.

So, with that out of the way, and feeling rather defeated, I opted to go ahead and start on a more feasible project. Something that would be easier for the time and then work my way up the ladder of difficulty. Boy, I bet I started backwards on that climb.

I went ahead and started writing my English assignment. You know, that humorous essay about how porn is a legitimate form of art. My main fear is that I would come off as serious if not a bigger pervert than I already am. (Hey, no one's perfect.) I'm more of a situational comic. I could probably write a good sit-com if given the chance, but I doubt it. I employed the help of Brian on IMs to help with my lack of humor. He is one of probably three people on MouseInfo that makes me laugh with their off the wall banter.

Here is what we came up with for the most part:

Pornography as Art

Since the beginning of time, the world has seen several different art forms. Various art forms from frescos and marble statues have been exhibited and legitimized as an art form as if there was some kind of standards. However, several forms of creative expression have been thrown to the way-side. While I could go on to try and validate the legitimacy of how a greeting card or a comic book as an art form, I'm not. No, I am going to talk about another form of art. That form is pornography. If you are a rich, old conservative; a Bible thumping member of the Christian community; a soccer mom who owns a mini-van; or someone that is stupid enough to be offended by nude images in the forms of the statue of Michelangelo's David, stop reading now. Your brains are too small to have the level of understanding and capacity needed to read this essay.

As most intelligent people know, any art form involves either the ability to capture or the able to convey an emotion visually. Paintings and sculptures can come off in a variety of emotions, some of which may not be the intent of the artist. Pornography is the only form of art that must convey a certain type of emotion. If the material cannot, the viewer is either impudent or the piece sucks. So what is this emotion that pornography must be able to cause the viewer to feel? For those reading this who believe that the soul purpose of pornography is to just "get the viewer off," you're only half right. Pornography also conveys other emotions. Among this list are emotions such as desire to be with the beautiful and obviously extremely open woman on screen, and jealousy caused by the fact that the man's tool is bigger than your own (provided you have a penis).

Emotion is not the only thing that pornography stimulates. Given the age in which people can legally buy pornography, many young adults have lost the ability to imagine. Let me kill a popular myth right now. Yes, teenage boys think about sex every waking moment, but they do not do so in a creative way. As such, teenage boys have no real creative way of getting laid by that hot girl--or guy if said teenage boy is gay, if said guy is really a girl, or both--other than the direct way, which fails more often than succeeds. With the aid of pornography, boys can find a creative way of having sex in the back room of the pizza parlor without getting caught by the manager, provided that the manager is not the person he's having sex with. Pornography can also help the imagination of girls as well. By studying various pornographic material long and hard, members of the female gender can find new and fun ways to please that hot guy--or girl if said female is a lesbian, if said girl is really a guy, or both--as well as creative ways of seduction. For the married women, this is a great tool to use in trying to get that spark back into your marriage.

Art has been on this planet since the dawn of time. Ironically, so has pornography. Pornography also can be found in other forms of art, in particular the entertainment industry. Pornography is one of the few genres of entertainment art that has been in every single evolution. From the days of the nickelodeons and silent films to the modern day DVDs and internet sites, pornography has always been somewhere in each of the different stages of the evolution. So what is the reason for this staying power? Is the reason because pornography is profitable by pilfering perverts of precious pennies? No, the real reason is because people like seeing naked bodies.

Finally, I really do not feel like I need to point this out, but art has always had one other lasting subject next to the still life, the naked form. The naked body is all over the art world. Pornography also have naked bodies, and is the only subject in the style. I can see the arguments stating that pornography will never be the same kind of nude art like Michelangelo's David, the painting "The Birth of Venus," the statue of the discuss Olympian, or even Musica, a nude art work featuring nine nudes, both male and female, dancing to unheard music in bronze located in where I live. Please! Venus is obviously just a fancy striptease, David proves that you don't need to have a big dick to get noticed (proportionally speaking), the Olympian is obviously ready to get fucked by his fellow Olympians, and the nudes of Musica could easily start an orgy after they are done dancing. Bottom line, all of these are just fancy soft core porn images. This does not mean that artists are all perverts. Artists of this caliber have a deep appreciation for the beauty of the human body. Pornographers also have a deep appreciation for the beauty of the human form, particularly in the way the human form interacts with other human forms. Pornographers are nothing more than artists taking the concept of the human nude in art to the next level.

I hope this essay was a stimulating experience. Hopefully, you will now go out into the world and probe harder and deeper into what is and is not art.

The closing sucks. Too many dumb puns in there. Hopefully I will not read this out loud. If I am, I'm handing this to Wyatt. He normally reads and writes this kind of thing in English. I'm not saying that is the only thing he does. I'm saying that the class would expect something like that from him more than they do me. Maybe that is what makes it funny.

The sad thing is, as long as it took you to get this far reading, it took me all day just writing that. Consciously trying to come up with something funny that isn't presented in a situation is hard work for me. This only proves to myself that I will never be a stand-up comic... as if I had the drive to become one to begin with.

So here I am, sitting in front of the computer, waiting on pizza, and no more trick-or-treat-ers.

What a Halloween. I still wish I could have dressed up as Oogie Boogie, but I know for a fact that costume would take too much time. I don't have enough burlap. I know Ken is probably having a fun time. He loves Halloween. I bet he and Jaime are probably off somewhere right now trick-or-treating and having a great time together. It makes me wish I had a boyfriend.

Okay, I'm spent as far as writing energy goes. I'm surprised that I was able to write this much during my "Me Time."

Mixed-Up Day

Today was just strange. It was like riding a roller coaster all day long. I just now got into the loading station.

Drawing class was surprisingly fun. We experimented with ink for three hours. Nothing more, nothing less.

Creativity put me to sleep. My teacher felt that she was slowly torturing her students, so she said that it was okay to bail on the class if we didn't find it enjoyable after the first half. I feel bad for leaving the middle of class, but that documentary really is a snoozer.

After class, I found out that I couldn't go to the screening of The Exorcist tonight at the school theater. Do you know how depressed it made me feel? I like that movie!

Surprisingly, I got my first ever face-to-face feedback on this blog. I found out that I rather frank and really open on here than I normally am in person. I'm true to myself, and I know what I am. I question everything that people are afraid to, mostly because the questions I ask are really hard. Well, I never was one to take the easy way out of things. If I did, I'd be dead right now. It felt kind of nice knowing that this little blog has someone excited about how I write. Apparently there is evidence of some kind of growth in character. Recent entries have proven that to me. And to think I was seriously thinking about discontinuing this site because I did not think it was doing me any kind of good.

The new worker at McDonald's made me smile.

"You're total is $7.52."
*hands $20 bill*
"Out of 2,000... Your change is $1,248."

She made my day.

"A lot of people have lost the right to bitch in my mind now."

Well, that meeting was interesting. Basically, only seven of the fifty or so Fine Arts students showed up. Jaime and I were there, but Coffey wasn't. It wasn't an important meeting per say, but they did ask some important questions in the survey they handed out. Both Jaime and I finished the survey out rather quickly, with relatively the same things written down. Surprisingly, we were both disappointed that the meeting went off the way it did. Does no one care in the Fine Arts wing about what they are in for? I guess not. No wonder our department is so small.

The good news is that this is more than likely my first step into being a voice in society rather than a silent face in the crowd.

Meetings After Meetings After Class Before Class

If that title made little to no sense to you, the better.

I'm here at school (Yes, I'm blogging from the library AGAIN!) waiting on a Fine Arts department meeting at 16:00. I can't help but wonder what the hell this meeting is going to be about. Mostly because I want to know if I will have any say in it. You know, to help change the department a little bit even if it is only for myself because God knows I'm the only one of my kind on this Earth. Whoa, that sounded arrogant and a bit depressing at the same time!

Anyway, when I get home, I have to remember that I e-mailed myself my homework for tomorrow for Creativity. This won't be a problem since I always check my mail in the morning before going anywhere. I mean, what else can I do at 05:30?? I'm already dressed, clean, and ready to go. My ride's not, but I sure am. Oh well. Anyway, the reason I did this is because I wanted to get my response out of the way for tomorrow, but I didn't want to print anything here. I don't know if they do like at high school and charge you for printing.

Speaking of Creativity, I have a meeting with my teacher tomorrow about this blog! Wow, finally, some kind of face-to-face, in-depth commentary on this piece of shit journal!

I think that is enough complaining for now.

Lairs! The whole lot of them!

I had a dream that I was being told lies to my face from people I thought I truly cared about. They made me believe that they were something that they were obviously not. Then I heard a voice that told me what the truth was, and the people I saw vanished. And then I was alone with no one but that voice.

I know what this dream means. Do you?

SCORE!!

I just finished watching my newest DVD that I got from my mom at a suggestion that started out as a joke!

Mom was going to go to Wal-Mart to find some cold formula. I jokingly said for her to pick up one of those $6 DVD's that they are saying. She asked what I would like. This caught me off guard. She normally jumps down my neck when I ask her to buy something, mostly because of our financial state. I told her that I was joking and to forget about it.

Well, she didn't.

When she got home, she said that she got me something. She handed me a DVD. Not just any DVD. She scored a really sweet DVD. She found the Samurai Jack DVD in the $6 bin!! The very DVD that contains the premiere episode that I loved and hoped the series lived up to! Talk about scoring big, huh?

Big points to my mom on that one! I'm one happy little fan boy now!

She makes me think, and I like that!

Every since I turned the big one-eight, I never really saw a need to register to vote. I was told that I was better off not doing so, mostly because it was a solid way of getting out of jury duty. My reason is because I never really saw any kind of promising politician running. I mean, why vote for someone I don't feel can do the job? Sure, I could vote for the lesser of the two evils, but what would that accomplish if I felt that neither one could do the job in the first place?

Then Jaime told me something that made me think. It appears that it really isn't the person that I should be voting about, but the issues. You aren't voting on people you think can do the job, but rather where they stand on the issues at hand. If they promise to deliver some kind of solution that you like and do not deliver, you can voice your disappointment by voting. This seemed like a distant concept to me, mostly because I never had anything directly affect me. Recent events have changed all that.

Sooner or later, I will end up being one of the millions out there needing money from the government because my art program got the axe. Sooner or later, I am going to have a child go to a school who cannot even tell me what the Civil War was about other than slavery (I know I can't.). Sooner or later, I am going to be old and want to retire, but will be unable to because Social Security may be down the toilet.

The mind set is there. It is just a matter of time now before the opportunity presents itself.

Crap, this means I have to watch the news again! I hate watching the news. There is nothing but bad news on.

So Cute Yet So Ugly

I am doing this entry into my blog partly out of spite to the world, partly because I just realized a sad fact about life, and partly because I need to get this off my chest. Okay, that's half true. I'm really doing this because I still don't know how to tackle my Creativity paper, but anyways...

I have come to the realization that the majority of all attractive people (or at least the ones I find attractive) will end up having some kind of characteristic that is just as ugly as they are good looking.

I found this out today while waiting for my ride. I was talking to Austin. We exchanged pleasantries and began to talk what our current mood was. Austin was talking about how he couldn't smoke a joint before school due to various reasons. What upsets me wasn't the fact that he smokes. What bothers me is the fact that he said this in a way like smoking a joint before class was a normal occurrence in the world, as if everyone was doing it.

Drinking, drug usage, and smoking are my biggest pet peeve among people that I am attractive to whether they are gay or straight. I should add "how people treat me" to that list given what just happened to me, but I'll explain this now.

When Jaime said that "the boys" (and you know who I'm talking about) sounded like jerks, I agreed with her. This still surprises me. The fact that I agreed with her and called them jerks. I don't ever remember describing them as jerks before this. The sad reality is that it is true. They were jerks.

The one thing that kept happening when I knew them and had contact with them on a regular basis is that I would always say or do something that would upset them. It was normally something that they didn't get due to cultural reasons or because of my stupidity. They made it look like it was a big deal, a relationship killer. A few weeks later, either they or I would come back to the other begging for forgiveness. Normally, I would be doing the begging. After everything was back to where it was, the same thing would happen. It was a cycle that just wasn't worth keeping in motion.

The one event that still upsets me is one that involves Josh. I cannot get over how he twisted my world around into making me look bad.

It is no big secret that I am a Disney fan. Hell, I have two links to Disney related sites on my side-bar!! I like to consider myself to be very knowledgeable about the park and the company. I'm no expert, and I never claim to be. If anything, I'm well educated about Disney as far as the company and parks go. Now, remember that Disney Vacation that I owed Jack? The only reason that came about is because I was sharing my knowledge about the park, its many secrets, and anything that I felt would interest him. Yes, I did want to talk him, and yes, I still wish I could, but this is beside the point. Somewhere along the line, Josh started talking to me about what I know. Naturally, because I do not live anywhere near the park, I told him the source of my information. Apparently, to Josh, everything on the internet is fiction, be it from a creditable site or not. The information I gathered, he considered, was false, invalid, and just plain wrong. I came off as being at the park every day of my life! Please! If I could do that, do you think I would have this boring of a life? The bottom line is in the end all my little facts, tid-bits, and secrets were seen as nothing but trivial knowledge good only for taking good friends out for a good time. I was mislabeled as Disney Expert when I made no such claim.

I do not like it when people treat me as if I am expendable. I especially do not like it when people tell me that I am wrong without a platform that I can see as reasonable. I feel really disrespected when this happens, and I feel really stupid that I only learned all this today while waiting for my dad to pick me up from Watkins.

The good thing is I feel better now. Blogging is a good way to vent.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm expecting a lawsuit against me for public slandering.

Daylight Savings Time? Daylight Standard Time?

I'm looking outside the window into the backyard right now, and I feel like I am late for classes. I know I'm not because the clock still reads 06:00, but the sun is up?

I really need to get used to this time change.

Game Over?

Okay, so I just beat the final goal in Yu-Gi-Oh, which was opening up Free Mode. This mode helps me rig my deck up for an easy win if I ever get my hands on three of the following cards in the game:

Exodia the Forbidden One
Right Leg of the Forbidden One
Right Arm of the Forbidden One
Left Leg of the Forbidden One
Left Arm of the Forbidden One
Gravity Bind

For those of you that do not know jack about the game, if you hold all five of the first cards in your hand, you win automatically. Gravity Bind makes it impossible for high level monster to attack making them more of a shield than a weapon. Normally, you are only allowed one of each of these five cards in your deck at one time. With Free Mode on, I can hold three of each! The only challenge now is finding the two other copies of the cards, seeing how I already have one complete set.

This also means that the game has reached what I call a "Pokemon Ending." This means that the game is technically completed, but there is still more to do. The things left for the player to do could take up a good portion of the time, but since there is no real goal to reach for that would cause any kind of progression in the game other than a feeling of accomplishment, you can pretty much shelf it until you are bored.

Good thing Finding Nemo comes out of DVD soon. Now if only I had money.

Mirroring?

Remember that story I blogged about so-many days ago? The one that I said would take the shape of another blog and continue until I felt it was time to end it?

Well, the more I think about that idea, the more I start to notice that it mirrors something that I've been trying to do for an assignment. The hardest assignment I have had in a long time. You know the one I'm talking about. The personal narrative on my Creative process.

How does my story idea mirror the assignment?

The story revolves around my internet self, my alter-ego, and an old character of mine that I abandoned temporarily. Yes, I am talking about the one and only Zeek Slider. The stories also involve a theme of trying to belong and searching for that place. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere really, so I create little bubbles of imaginary worlds to live in. The thing is these worlds are nothing more than my fan boy side coming out. Bayville from X-Men: Evolution; the world of Pokemon; the streets of Yu-Gi-Oh; the planet of DragonballZ. I'd actually be writing one big FanFic! It is not that I do not like writing FanFics. It is just writing a FanFic was not the assignment.

I don't know what to do for this assignment, and it is due next class! What am I going to do?

Technologically Dependent

Guess what? I just found out I cannot do my Creativity homework. See, my teacher wants it typed, and guess what? The printer is out of ink, and everyone is too lazy to drive out and get a new cartrage for it.

I hate when this happens.

Writing is an art form, right?

I have been finding out slowly that writing seems to be easier for me. It used to be the other way around. Writing my ideas and articulating my thoughts has never been as easy for me as they are now. I guess my blog has something to do with this. The ability to just be free with what I say without care as to who reads this or what they may think is almost second nature to me now.

Now if only I was like that socially. I never really say what's on my mind even if I wanted to. The words just won't come out.

This morning I felt like typing rather than drawing. I felt like reading instead of observing. I felt backwards. I feel as if today is one of those off days where my art skills are not going to be at their best. Either that or drawing is no longer fun. It disturbs me since I've always known that I would be an artist since I was little. I have always been good at drawing, and I always thought that I'd end up having a career that involved it heavily.

Maybe drawing for the last 18 years or so is starting to get to me to where I want to do something new.

Yup, bad sign indeed.

This feels odd. Lately, my evenings have been rather boring with very little things that I want to do or, for that matter, feel like doing. It makes what used to be an enjoyable evening feel rather boring.

I really need to have a social life... or at least a better one.

Almost Completed?

Because I seem to work better at night, and because I was sleeping a good portion of the day away today (I knew I shouldn't have stayed up last night until 03:00.), I was playing my Yu-Gi-Oh game to try to open up the last two duelists left in the game. Apparently, I opened them a whole lot faster than I thought. The only thing left to do is open up "Free Mode" by completing all the Limited Duels. Then my newest distraction to help with my work will just fall by the way-side with all my Pokemon games and other stuff I haven't played since I got Yu-Gi-Oh.

Is this a bad sign or something?

Blogging From the Library Computer

Wow! This is so out of character it is not even funny! I am actually in the library doing something for a class! Okay, so maybe blogging doesn't really count unless you count the fact that this blog is my journal for two classes of mine.

It's oddly quiet. Most libraries are. I mean, have you ever heard of a noisy library? I know I haven't. Still, I'm not used to this kind of silence where just the keyboard is making all the noise and nothing else. It's a nice change, yeah, but it still bothers me.

I frankly know this is how it is going to be like if I can ever get my ass down to the downtown library. Big rooms with nothing but books and just as quiet. The thing is that I do not like about libraries are the fact that I have to keep quiet a good portion of the time. I also find it odd that the libraries these days have the shoplifting detectors that CD stores have. People are stealing books from the library?! Do they have nothing better to do?

I will say this about the library in its defense. There are more resources here than there are on the internet. I reason I say this is mostly due to my Art History project. I am doing a project about pilgrimages, and for some bizarre reason Google thinks I am looking up stuff for Thanksgiving or for some kind of religious pilgrimage tour group. The library is the only place left for me to go to for information.

I wonder if the Religious Studies section of a library in the middle of the Bible belt has other religions in it. I would be really disappointed if all they had in that section were stuff about Christianity.

I also find it strange that our internet here at Watkins is still running Win98. Oh well, whatever works.

I can't shut up, can I?

I just realized that for the last two hour and a half, I have been typing up about my creative process. I really don't think it is a narrative about how I create. If anything, it is probably just about my creative nature in general. Still, I was writing about that for two and a half hours! I never spend that long on a writing project, be it a blog or homework! I don't know, maybe it is the nature of the class. In Creativity, you're pretty much free to do whatever you want in that class. At least with the teacher I have now.

And to think I was commenting about how much of a hippie she was at the start of the semester.

Now if only I had the energy to do the rest of my assignments. Who knew writing about something I never really gave any thought to would take so much out of me?

Homework? What's that?

Yesterday proved one thing to me. Teachers can be just as upset about not getting fall break as students. As a result, my Art History teacher let us out early, mostly because she claimed she was not with it and no one seemed interested. She couldn't be closer to the truth.

I think we all are a little burned out right now. I know I am. Classes and assignments are all annoying me to now ends. I rather be off dreaming or playing video games until I can't have fun anymore.

Hey, looks like I'm back in my little nitch again where I feel comfortable with how my life (or lack there of) is going for me.

I keep feeling like I've forgotten something, but what?

Back to the Daily Grind

It is so hard to just get up and go to school. I just wanted to sleep in this morning, but knowing that I couldn't made the morning less enjoyable.

2D is going to be a pain. I know it. Not only do I not have that expensive paper she wants, but I'm really starting to hate the class entirely. Three hours in the morning of nothing but this class every Monday and Wednesday. No wonder I wanted to sleep in today.

I still don't know how I'm going to tackle the Creativity assignment, and I really really really need to get down to the library soon for my Art History assignment.

At the rate I'm working, Christmas and summer vacation are probably going to be a myth to me.

What the hell is wrong with this picture?

Okay, I'm in college. Work is suppose to be hard and take up most of my time. I've been sleeping the better part of my time away in between work loads. The work is suppose to be three hours long in itself, but I find myself finishing it just under that time frame. I sleep for two hours between each load max. That's about five hours or so. I have five full classes, so in theory I should be bordering insomnia.

Why am I not?

Work seems way too easy, for one. I am not really concerned with two out of five of my classes. I don't know how to do the work for one of them. And the other two classes left on the list are just big reviews for me. I'll leave it up to you to figure out which classes I'm talking about.

So is this normal? No.

So why is it that everything got so easy so fast to the point where I'm starting to feel like I'm in high school again?

I don't know. I bet I am analyzing this way too much. I have really got to learn how to just live and let live.

Reorganizing

I opted to stay home today instead of going to the library because I have a similar assignment in Creativity that is due in three weeks time...

...and I have no clue as to how to go about it!

The assignment is a four to five page personal narrative on my creative process. I can tell you how I create in one sentence right now.

I shut off my mind and do not think at all!

It is as simple as that. How can I draw that out five pages, I do not know. Today is definitely going to be a strange day as far as self analysis goes.

Revisiting PINS by Jim Provenzano

I was reading an English assignment that involved a humorous essay about how difficult it is to write about sex let alone a sex scene in literature. I found the essay more educational rather than humorous, although that little paragraph about how Microsoft Word doesn't help the difficulty of writing it was a little bit funny. I'm a geek, so that should not come as a surprise.

In any event, the essay reminded me of a book I bought, read willingly, and enjoyed. If you didn't get the hint from the title what that book is, you really need to read more carefully. I remember reading a one page sex scene between the two main characters somewhere in the book. The reason I remember it is because, not only was it one page long, but it was separate from each of the three "books" within the story. I think that it would be a wee bit too artsy of me to say that the reason for this is because it was suppose to symbolize a special moment in life that has nothing to do with coming of age or growing up like the book's main theme. Either that, or so you can find it faster.

I did see how little in detail the scene was in. It's kind of strange how a book that was written in the last ten years still holds true to what that essay said. Of course it would help if I knew when the essay was written too, but oh well.

Quite the education for someone that was suppose to commit himself to the library but instead committed himself to sleep.

I Am Jon's Messed Up Mind

I fell asleep rather readily after blogging this morning. My dreams were affected by Fight Club, and I saw my skitzophrenic side in my subconscious come out. I woke up this morning missing the first 45 minutes of Saturday Morning cartoons. Looks like I won't find out how the Yu-Gi-Oh! saga continues. Oh well, that's why there are reruns. I also woke wondering what it would be like to have two hot boyfriends. I would wake up in the middle. A Man-wich, to steal a term from Melissa from Real World New Orleans. Two hot blonde white boys hugging and entangled with me in the morning. Skin against skin; flesh against flesh; hot and well ripped muscles against my average body.

When I got out of bed, I felt like a slut with issuses related to Fight Club somehow.

The Early Morning End of a Day

The debutante ball went off as how I expected it. It was interesting, sweet, and a little bit flawed. Some parts went off better than others. I think the traditional Filipino dances went off better than anything else.

Ken and Jaime left early and wanted to know if there were any family things left I needed to do. If not, I was welcome to hang out with them. Thank God that was offered, because as much as I was trying to enjoy myself, I really wanted to just get out of there. This is my sister's big night. To have her big brother there when he doesn't want to be would just be bad karma or something.

We went to Dragon Park, mostly because I was not familiar with it. Ken and Jaime, Jaime in particular, seem to have very fond memories of that place. I wish I had that kind of memory to revisit. You know the kind. You go back to a place of childhood joy and remember all those little events that happened in your life when you were innocent and carefree.

We watched Fight Club. Ken and Jaime already watched it, so the film was new to me. I enjoyed it. It was a smart yet strange movie. I think I enjoyed seeing Brad Pitt in a bath robe and shirtless more than anything, but that's me being a slut again. Ken and Jaime kept falling asleep during the movie. I can't blame them. They've seen it before.

So here I am, blogging about my day. I'm actually online at this hour for the first time in eight weeks. It feels strange. I should be asleep because I have to get to the library, and we all know that school work is more important than sleep and Saturday morning cartoons (or at least that is the case now!). Still, it feels rather good. I'm finally free of my dad's sports jacket and that ugly brown suit. I'm sitting here in my favorite jeans and a comfortable shirt listening to the ride audio of various Disney rides with only one real thing on my mind.

Leo and the boys.

A Fancy Prison Uniform

I never did like wearing suits. Never have. Never will. They are so confining. They are the only type of clothing that make me sweat when I am just sitting. They don't look good on me; I don't look good in them.

The thing I hate more than suits are suits that are not black in color!!

Listen to My Heart?

Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 01:07:42 EDT
Subject: Me again

Hey Pokie

I'm sorry my E mail sent you into a tail spin.I'm glad to learn you have a nice person that you can count on and I'm sure she is cool and has your best interest at heart. I didn't mean to imply that you were worthless by not haveing friends 24/7 I think you were a little harsh though by saying how stupid can I be. I was only hopefull Pokie I have been there you know that I have hit bottom, and recovered but I was hopefull you would break the darkness.and have some friends to hang out with that's all. I'm thinking my E mailing you was a bad thing I'm sorry mayby you don't want us around. I can understand but I can't help feel like your Family and I know deep down you care about us I know you do Pokie.

See how one comment of mine can get my ass into so much trouble I cannot see a way to fix it because the damage has already been done?? That's how it's always been with them! I say one thing on the spur of the moment driven by emotion and end up getting into an emotional shit pan over it! Why am I so easy to make feel guilty?

Anyway to bring you up to speed... James talks about you alot and he and Matt are no more. James thinks you would have been the perfect boy but he regrets not doing his best with you. ...we are all moveing to Greenwich Connecticut. So looks like were moving... Jack... said you owe him a Disney Vacation I would hate to see you blow us off Jon but go with your heart.

Leo

I censored most of this part of the e-mail for a reason. It's my respect I have for them.

I hate the way Jack has such a good memory. It's been three years since I promised that to him, and I botched it up twice. Ironically, while watching a Disneyland special on Travel Channel, I was thinking of him... as well as during the time I was watching about the secrets behind Walt Disney World. Jack would love going on the Richard Petty Experience. He has a lead foot. There was another surprise in the e-mail that I censored, seeing how it is for my eyes only. I will say this about it, though: At least Jack broke tradition like he intended.

The biggest surprise is what happened with James and Matt. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I thought those two were as good as gold. The kind that would never tarnish. Maybe my little hair essay is coming true now. It brings a little smile to my face knowing that I am getting some kind of attention. That smile is changed to a frown when I realize that I was right about one thing about myself. I am and never will be appreciated until I'm gone from everyone that knows me... just like a head of hair that used to dawn a balding man's scalp.

So he tells me to go with my heart. Every time I've done that, I always end up doing something wrong. Or at least I feel like I've done something wrong. Ironically, the only time I've ever really listen to my heart is when it involved them! Frankly, I'm just too scared to listen to my heart ever again.

Crap, I'm becoming another pile of conflicting emotions yet again. Why today? This will only make my sister's debutante ball more and more difficult to endure.

Surprising Suspicions

The only reason I am blogging right now is because I cannot get that much needed nap today on my "bum day", and that really upsets me.

This morning I got a surprising e-mail from Leo. He said that he was thinking about me and wanted to know what's up. That's when he went to this blog and found out that things were not as good as they had hoped. No offence, but how stupid is he?! He knows me inside and out! Hell, he practically is me in another life!! He of all people should have known that there was no way I would be able to get all these cool friends together to start hanging out with them 24/7! He is right about one thing, though. I do have regrets and wish things were better. He offered to fix up my problems. I didn't reply back to his e-mail.

Instead I printed it out and asked Jaime to read it for anything that I may have missed. Some kind of message between the lines. Why I asked her, I don't know. I just feel like she is the best person to go to now as far as how to deal with my relationships go with people.

Jaime said that the e-mail was very friendly and had no underlying message. She was curious as to how I knew Leo, seeing as how I failed to mention that to her. I told her the back story, and this odd look drew on her face. It was almost as if she didn't believe me! It worried me until I remembered that I have been honest with her to a fault up. To think that she didn't believe me was stupid. Still, I did thank her for her time and helping me out as far as figuring out the e-mail.

Jaime posed an interesting question to me as well. She wanted to know if I was going to fix this problem. I told her I thought that everything between Leo and I (as well with everyone else I knew in my past life) was gone as of seven or eight weeks ago. After that, I figured to just get on with my life. Even if the shit didn't hit the fans, I could not find the time to talk to them, what with the time zone changes. It's not that I don't like them or anything. Hell, these past few weeks should show how much I miss them if anything!!

So what am I going to do now about this? Do I go back or do I just go on with my life? Experience has taught me that when I make these kind of life decisions, I always make the wrong one. I really need to make a decision, but I cannot figure out which is the lesser of the two evils. Do I go on with my life living in torment or do I go back to how I was, dreamy and naive and always making mistakes?

And I thought losing so much sleep was the worst of my problems from now on...

Stop with the cute! No more cute!

I feel like such a homo-slut or something lately. Every time I watch TV just to destress or for pleasure (as was the case tonight), I can't help but notice the most attractive looking member in the cast. It upsets me knowing what I know now about my past and how good I had it.

So many beautiful people out there, and I'm not one of them.

I don't know. I feel as if there will ever be a way to truly identify myself, it will be through my words and works. I rather have them speak for me than my actual face at this rate. Oh, sure, to some people I am very cute. Cute how? Cute like a teddy bear cute?

Back in the Greek and Roman days, they made statues in the ideal. These days, all you have to do is pick up a fashion magazine to see what is ideal. Even scarier is the fact that some people look ideal in person! I should know. I see it everyday. I have seen perfection, and thy name be Coffey! Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but still. How can I compete?!

Everyone keeps telling me to be happy with the way I am. That I am not screwed up or unattractive or anything that I think I am. The only thing they seem to agree with me on is the fact that I am very insecure about myself. I believe that will be my biggest downfall in life, being insecure and not confident in myself to do things the way I see fit. In a way, that could probably explain as to why I am where I am in life right now. I am where I am because I could not stand up for myself out of fear as to how it would make me look or how I may come off.

How I feel right now, however, is really stupid on paper. I feel like a damn slut just for looking at people that are worlds more attractive than I am! I mean, Jesus, this is natural, right? People all the time, gay or straight, look at other people they find sexually attractive the same way I do. Some people go as far as mentally undressing them and fantasizing about them! I know I have on more than one occasion. This should be normal, but I find myself doing this kind of thing nearly every day and night! I feel insecure about how I look simply because everyone looks so much better than me! Jaime, Ken, Coffey, even Christina who complains about how she looks like a boy if she wears a hat! I never have and never will look good in a hat!

I really need to stay away from cute people. Too bad I can't.

Stupid Teacher!

I'm really starting to dislike (She doesn't deserve my use of the word hate.) my 2D teacher. I'm starting to feel like everyone else in that class. We all want to put our faith and trust in that she knows what she is doing. After all, she is the oldest teacher in the fine arts department. Still, I cannot help but feel she is teaching us wrong. She is making this class feel so academic that it makes me sick. I mean, we are practically paying $2k for this class this semester! I want to get my money's worth, and I'm not getting it!

I would go into more detail here, but I'm saving that for the course evaluation slip that I'm going to fill out if given the chance.

High Expectations; Low Motivation

I don't know what is going on here, but for some bizarre reason, my teachers are expecting a lot out of me. They seem to want me to produce these incredible pieces of artwork, both visual and verbal. It is not that I am not capable of doing such things. It's just I don't want to given the time frame. Three weeks to make a personal narrative on how I create and my creative process?!? I don't think there even is a way to map that out!

I need to get to the library downtown, if I can. I'm already a week behind my Art History final project. But, just like everything else, I really rather not do this project. Oh well, have to make the grade somehow.

I wish someone told me this sooner!

I knew I should have listened to Zero when she told me this on IM.

I just found out that for the debutante ball, I have to escort my sister with my dad when we are "presenting" her. Zero clued me in on this when I told her about my sister's ball, but I didn't know if that was the case. Now I find out four days before it happens that I am to do this! And here I am wanting to just be a wall flower and enjoying everyone else have a good time like Walt Disney did with his park!!

I also learned something that I should have known all this time. Christina clued me in on this. (Why is it all of my friends that are girls know more than I do?) I should really just stop looking for a boyfriend and just live life the way I see fit. Eventually, just when I'm all okay and comfortable with being single, I'll end up meeting that one perfect boy that makes me go gah-gah. In reality, I have stopped looking. I really don't care if my personal ads get answered or not, and I know I will probably not meet anyone at Watkins that I'll find even remotely attractive that's available now (or, for that matter is gay). Now all I need to do is move on to step two and live my life.

Too bad I don't have one outside of school.

Confused and Alone

I am sitting here listening to my Linkin Park CDs that my sister got/burned for me thinking about something someone once said to me. A line that I took as a grain of salt at the time turns out to be more than what I originally thought.

Did I accidentally choose to get into something that I really no longer have the drive to do? Am I trying to, once again, become something I am no longer or for that matter never have been? If that is really the case, how come I don't know it? Why is it that I am not aware of this change in what I am and what I will be? Why was I not aware of this sooner?

My writing is better than my art. My art is better than my grammar. My trivial knowledge is better than my logic. I know I am capable of intelligent conversation, but yet why is everything that I say sound so stupid? My dreams and fantasies rule me in a reality in which they cannot happen. I want to be something I am not. I am something I do not want to be. I want to be something that I cannot be. I am becoming that which I do not wish to be because there is no other option.

What do I do now? How do I find what it is that I am good at? How do I find out what it is that I am suppose to be when what I want to be is never going to happen (unless there really is a secret cult of wizards out there looking for their leader, who has a power so great that it could potentially destroy the world as we know it)? How the hell can I feel important and, at the very least, appreciated? Why can't I feel those emotions within my own family? Why is it that I feel like I am a burden to people? What is making me feel so insecure?

I sit here listening to Linkin Park. I am thinking about what it is I need to do for my homework. Read some poems and study for my first major test since high school. Yet, I do not want to do any of it. I'm tired of trying to make the grade. I'm tired of going to the same building passing by a gallery of those who made it, wondering why I have to take what feels like Art 1 just to get where they are. I'm sick of the way I keep beating myself over the head thinking that I am this burden to everyone knowing that all I do is follow them all over the place trying to learn and experience everything that I know I have never been able to before. Most of all, I'm just upset at myself because I cannot see a way to change any of these things. Brian said that I've actually come a long way since I started college. In fact, he believes that I'm actually better off than where I was several months ago. I actually have friends that I see, but yet I don't hang out with them. I can finally talk to people again instead of IMing them, which is easier as far as being able to convey my emotions goes. Things are a lot better than they were before... on paper. The reality is that I feel like I have not really gone anywhere. It's just high school all over again. I had friends in high school that I never really hung out with. I talked to people, but I was and still am an internet junkie living in this work of codes and numbers. The only difference is that I am not as big as an emotional wreck... or am I?

How I wish that things were different. I wish I was normal. I wish I was raised differently. I wish I knew what all these mixed up emotions mean. I wish I knew all the things that I missed. I wish I never made the mistakes that I made that cost me more than what I could afford to lose. I wish I could just take back so many things I regret saying. I wish there was someone I could come home to that wasn't afraid to try to make me feel important for once. I wish for a lot of things I will never get.

Dark and torment I have become. The pains and traumas of the past are scarred too deep to heal. I'm just a lost puppy now. A lost puppy looking for someone to love him and make the hurt of being alone go away. Maybe even someone to help guide me. Someone to just rescue me.

Like that will happen.

You're going to fail, dumbass!

I keep falling asleep in the middle of my reading assignments. I don't get it. I got English and half of the reading for Drawing 1 down, but the other things I have to read (namely all the material in review for my Art History test) I cannot seem to get through without snoozing and then waking up two hours later!

It's just like high school all over again!

I know I lost sleep since starting college, but, Jesus Christ! Did I lose this much sleep in just six weeks?!

My family is becoming prejudgest.

My sister, who was babysitting just now, got paranoid when she saw our neighbor and some black kid sitting out there in front of their house. The cops has already been to that house twice, but for what no one knows but them. I mean, we sure as hell don't know!

Anyway, she got super paranoid about those two strangers out there, and since she is responsible for someone else's well-being, well, you can pretty much go from there. She felt safer here at home.

The entire time I was here at the computer doing work, I overheard my sister telling her story to the parentals. I couldn't help but feel like the tone is so one-sided. It is almost like my family is becoming prejudgest against things they don't know about. I know that's human nature and all that, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if this will just make her like Chuckie Finster in Rugrats. You know, afraid of everything? It's bad enough that she is picky when she eats and the fact that she gets sick in the lightest of rain drizzles!

I don't know. I just wish my sister was better than this even though she is already better than me in more ways than I can count.

NO MORE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE!!

While watching cartoons this morning, I saw David on TV. That's the first time since seven or so weeks ago that any one of them has popped up when I was really not thinking about any of them for once. What is the deal? Am I going to be haunted and tortured like this for the next four or five years?! I can't live like this when every time I want to watch TV to relax I end up seeing someone or someone that looks like someone from my past life!

As if that's not bad enough, I believe my mother is getting a bit too into this whole debutante ball thing for my sister. Waltzes, special decoration, traditional Filipino dances, a court of friends that keeps changing because everyone is complaining and we are trying to make everyone happy, etc. It's bad enough that I had to listen to nothing but waltzes and Michael Bolton every time she picks me up from Watkins! Do I have to be in the monkey in the middle on the ride home hearing about how this person cancelled at the last second, how pissed off my sister is because of said event, and how worried my mother becomes just because she loves for things to work like a finely crafted Switzerland Clock?

I can't get my mind off how alone I feel lately even with all these stresses (and homework) piled down on me. I cannot seem to get out of this system of staying to myself. I can't bring myself to call anyone to see if they want to hang out. I believe it is due to fear that I may be an intrusion or some kind of burden. How the hell did I get into this mind set that I am a burden to someone? And why is it that I cannot do anything about this feeling? I feel so messed up, but everyone tells me I'm not. This is just who I am. I still feel like who I am is just... wrong somehow. It makes me confused. This whole thing about who or what I am to other people and to myself just makes me feel like I cannot really be anything more, like I can not be any better than where I am right now. And still, I cannot help but feel that this big feeling of loneliness is the result of some kind of trauma. I fear that it is a recent trauma that set it off like a rocket.

Times like these are when people need friends the most. I just wish I had someone that would be able to baby me a little bit back into who I once was if not someone better. I really need help getting over this, but I do not want to be a burden for anyone. I just... I don't know what it is that I need, but I know I need something bigger than what I had going for me.

Yeah right, like that will ever happen ever again.

I guess I'm just going to be like this for the next four or five years. I hope the madness does not take over.

Weird Week

This week has been weird. It just seems too easy for some reason. It's almost scary how light my work load is and how laid back my teachers seem to be.

Hey, my observation skills are back in full bloom!! I hope they stay for a while. I haven't had this kind of realization this fast since... never?

Yoga

Writing this really relax. Not caring about things. Don't care abour sentance structure. Not caring about being hungry. Strained and pulled muscles bothers me not. I could sleep right now. Brad said this is how he feels after getting high. Now there is a clean and drug-free way to get there for him. Yay for Brad!

Maybe I should yoga more.

No, I don't like how exposed I felt doing some of those positions.

Two hours later, I lost that feeling of being so cool and relaxed and free. I guess going back to reality just isn't doing me any kind of justice. Especially when you find out things about yourself while your in that weird state of conciousness.

Basically, I found out that as much as I want to have friends and be able to hang out and be, well, normal, I can't seem to bring myself to that. I don't know why, but it would seem that I am involentarially alienating society, either by accendent or by nature. I don't go out and have fun like everyone else. I don't exactly hang out with people. I'm just plain not available for some bizarre reason! I don't know why that it, but it deeply upsets me.

Finally, I want to end this blog by stealing some bandwidth from Tom Fulp! That's right, another NewGrounds.com Flash animation that I found several weeks ago, but I feel is appropriate for today's entry. If it doesn't load, feel free to visit the site. The title of the animation is below.


Meditational Melee
Available at NewGrounds.com

Side Note: I'm on K-Lite, so spell check doesn't work for Blogger this entry... and I'm too tired right now to bother checking myself.

Kingdom Hearts 2 Trailer Tonight

As if I haven't seen enough of it already, TechTV will be showing the trailer for Kingdom Heart 2 tonight at 11 PM ET.

Just making a note.

Equilibrium

Today is my sister's birthday. As such, being her 18-year-old little self, she went off to OpryMills to celebrate early with her closest friends. The official celebration is going to be at a debutante ball in about two weeks.

My aunt gave me $40 knowing that I was going to hate walking around looking at things I will never be able to buy. She said to use it on the Yu-Gi-Oh! game title I've been eying. I am please to announce that I now have that distraction that will help me prioritize my work! As proof of this, the first thing I did when I came home from the mall was print out my blog for my English mid-term.

That's where I found a problem.

See, my blog is not printer friendly. I also tend to talk A LOT. Right now, my first archive that I am printing out as I'm typing this is 14 pages long! If I kept this up with all the other archives I have to print out, I would probably run the ink cartrage dry! Still, I want all of my entries out there for my teacher to read. What? I told you before, I'm an attention hog.

The quick and simple solution is to just copy and paste all my entries onto Microsoft Word Perfect and then shrink the text size. God, I hope I don't end up shrinking it to the point where she will need a magnifying glass to read. I'm trying to save ink and paper here, you know.

And to think, I'll be doing this very same thing again for Creativity NEXT WEEK!

So now what do I do?

Regretfully, because I have no distraction to help prioritize any of my work, I started on all my written assignments that needed to be done. The whole time I was not enjoying myself. I felt as if these papers were nothing more than mere chores, and who likes doing chores? Okay, that was a stupid question.

Just awhile ago, I finished writing this:

My Hair: A Verbal Self Portrait

I feel that my hair best represents myself as a person, especially at the current length that my hair is at right now. My hair is just there, much like myself. Barely noticed sometimes, my hair is just part of the overall picture. I feel this is appropriate because I feel like I am just part of a big picture in the background and never the subject of anything special. My hair gets in the way a lot. I seem to get in the way of people when I do no mean to, either by accidentally bumping into someone in the hall or by doing something within a group project that just won't work. Everyone has had their hair cut. Hair can be easily molded and changed. I find myself very easy to influence and change, especially if caught in a moment of deep thought and vulnerability. I have only been complimented on my hair once back when it was long enough to fall just below my shoulder blades. A total stranger came up to me and said that my hair was extremely beautiful, as if like velvet. My sister wondered if that meant that the person was saying my hair looked fake. Since it is the only compliment that my hair ever received, as well as quite possibly the only compliment I can remember as to my physical beauty, I believe that this is a sign that real beauty is only skin deep. Since hair is made up of dead proteins under the skin, my real beauty must be deep inside myself and won't show itself until I pass from this Earth. As cryptic as this sounds, I cannot help but wonder if that is really the case. The reason is, like long hair that keeps ones head warm in the winter when a hat or hood cannot be found, I feel like I am not fully appreciated until, like a bald man looking at himself in his high school year book back when he was young and had a full head of hair, I am gone from everyone that once knew me. Or at least I hope.

I had the choice of either writing about it or doing some kind of visual response. That when I remembered about Christina's pictures of me the other day and how I looked so drained and depressed. There was one that she took where my hair was all over my face because of the wind. If that came out the way I hope it does before I wrote this, I would have snatched it up and used it for this assignment. However, I know a photo of that kind of quality takes time, and Christina isn't my aunt working at CVS's one-hour photo lab. I will just have to make due and wait.

This morning as I watched Saturday Morning Cartoons (Hey, don't laugh at me like that! I like my cartoons, okay? Give me a break!), I kept replaying what Jaime and Christina said about how I looked lost, drained, and how I looked like I did not want to be in school. Overlapping that was an IM I had with Brian. He said that he's been where I am right now, not caring about things but yet still caring. A conflicting cross of emotions and a lack there of. From the sounds of it, this could be just extreme stress. Still, I can't help but wonder if this is really something more?

I started daydreaming again about the perfect boyfriend, the one that does not exist. There is nothing wrong with daydreaming and fantasizing. It's a healthy way to exercise the imagination. Still, I know my pass mistakes. I know for a fact that if I do this too much, I'll end up setting up too high of an expectation if and when I do meet Mr. Perfect.

I cannot help but think about my life and where it is going. I know it is a mistake to validate myself to other people, but I cannot help myself in doing so! I've seen first hand, as if in a front row seat in a concert, how Ken and Jaime got together and how happy they are around each other. It is like someone watching me draw that is not an artist in any way. I feel like I am looking at something I can never have. While I am truly happy for the both of them, I feel sad that I cannot and probably will not ever feel that way or have what they have.

Now is not the time to get depressed... but, DAMN do I need a distraction!

So Much To Do...

I don't know what it is about my logic reasoning that makes me think this, but I really need a new distraction to help me do my work. See, the way I see it is like this. If I do not have some kind of really strong distraction keeping me from my work, I do not feel the need to do my work because that is the only thing left for me to do. With a distraction, the work ends up being prioritized, and, there by, becomes the thing that I need to do and concentrate more on. With all my current distractions falling to the way-side, as of right now, I have no distractions. This means I have no real priority to do any of my work.

Okay, now that's really fucked up, but for some bizarre reason, that is logical in my mind.

Irony, it would seem, is the one thing that gets me in the end oh-so-many times. When I have money, I don't want to carry any around. I don't like carrying money. Call me crazy, but I don't. When I do need cash (Damn this capitalistic society!), I don't have any money or anything that is even the equivalent of cash.

Why do I always end up shooting myself in the back like this?

Morning Thoughts @ a Cafe Table Because Class is Canceled/Afterthoughts of the Day

It makes me wonder sometimes, this thing that I do. You know, being a KaZaA user. Okay, so I am really a K-lite user, but I still use a P2P Network. As such, I am a criminal in the eyes of the law. Do I care? Not really. It just bothers me how easy it is to label people. It also makes me sick how everything cost something.

Maybe I don't know the value of a buck. Maybe it is all thanks to Josh or Dan or someone proving to me that money is evil. Maybe it is because I refuse to get a job because I do not like this capitalistic society where your worth is measured by how big your bank account is. Call me stupid, but I believe that the people that should be in charge are the ones with a strong character. We think we are really voting for someone like that, but we are really voting on the people who has the most money.

But this is too political.

The one thing I find really disturbing is the fact that my actions and thoughts as of late are somewhere else. They are back to a time when I felt like anything was possible. Now, however, I feel like things aren't ever going to be that way again.

I really need to get laid before I got ethereal in my writings.

After I wrote that, I began to do a drawing. I finished it with a little blurb of my thoughts. When I took a step back, I got a little bit scared. It looked as if I reverted back into what I was, a mess of emotions not knowing which way is up. I knew then I had to talk to Jaime. Her Pyscho Ex 'zine she gave me (which is a good read in itself) made me wonder if I was reverting back. Since that was her work, logic made me think that she was the best person to turn to. I was right in that assumption. Before Creativity, we talked about what it was I wrote and drew. I gave her what back story I could, mostly the stuff that isn't on this blog's archives. We both agreed on one thing: The last fours of my life with Andrew and James and everyone is very complicated to explain and extremely weird. Jaime told me that it normally takes the same amount of time that you were involved for you to get over a person. Does that mean I'm going to be like this for the next four years? If that is the case, I hope I survive to see my twenty-first birthday.

When Creativity ended, Jaime asked me what it is I want to do. Her tone caught me off guard. It sounded like I was being scolded again for doing something wrong. I didn't know what she wanted to hear. She then explained that she wanted to know why I am even at school now. I drew a blank. I just shrugged my shoulders. When I thought of something to say, I realized that what I wanted to say was stupid. Tell her that I'm going to school because I feel like I don't have an option anymore? Yeah right. Experience has told me never to say anything like that to anyone. After I answered, she said that I looked rather lost. I thought to myself as to what she meant by that. I'm sure she explained it to me, but her explanation must not clicked.

With that freash on my mind, I asked Christina if I looked lost as well. She agreed with Jaime. I looked lost to her, as well as pale and as if gravity was taking over. I guess where my mind was at transferred to the outside.

I waited for my ride, like I do every day I have only two classes. While I was waiting, I just thought about this and that. Mostly I thought about just going away. I'm not happy. I don't really want to work. I don't to be bored and alone. I don't want to be a lot of things. The only thing I want to do is be happy.

Christina took some pictures of me at my depressed best (if there is even such a thing). I need more pictures of me that are recent. Hell, I just need more pictures of myself. After she took them, I asked if I could have some copies provided that the pictures come out looking good. She said I could. I wonder how I look when I'm in a mind set where all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. Should be interesting.

Finally, I want to just say a quick little thank you to all of you reading this right now, especially Jaime and Brian. Even thought I don't know if you are regular readers or not, I do appreciate you reading this blog. Even though I'm not there talking to you about any of these, mostly because I'm afraid to in person, I'm really glad that this blog has not scared you off from me. At least, I hope it hasn't. It makes me feel just that little bit better. Thank you so very much, guys. You'll never know how much your reading this will mean to me.

Still Recovering?!

It's been nearly a week (Okay, just under a week.) since I got hit by that virus... and I am still recovering from it? I still feel stuffy in the nose slightly, my mouth feels dry and rough. The headaches only happen if I stare at something too long (which is going to make Drawing 1 today interesting).

I hope this is not West Nile.

Okay, stop. You're getting paranoid again. You get paranoid when you are stupid. That means you're acting stupid right now, so stop it!

Wait a second... was I just talking to myself?

C? I don't really care.

I really didn't want to go to school today. I mean, I really didn't. I was way too comfortable sleeping in my bed.

My first class of the day was boring, as usual. The only thing that kept me awake was the fact that I was painting, thanks in part to overcommiting myself into making sure I don't slap down a coat of paint on there too dark to fix. At least, for once, I didn't feel the need to fall alseep in it.

English Comp. was interesting. My teacher gave us all back one of our essays. Priot to handing them back, she announced the ratios of letter grades based on a curve. The announcement of two papers having C's on them didn't sit will with anyone in my immediate area. Well, I didn't care, really. In fact, I wasn't too surprised when I found out I was one of the C's in the class. I'm two years out of school; I've been writing in this blog for about the same about of time. This is no surprise at all! I write like I would talk. That, I know and should have known when writing that paper, is not the way to type a college-style essay. There was a time when I could easily write in a way in which I would never talk in, but those days have long since passed. I guess I have a lot of remembering to do. I also have a lot of typing to do, as well.

I really don't know anymore. I'm starting to lose interest in everything. College, my art (or lack there of), and everything else in general don't seem to interest me anymore. I'm not producing any of my own original works for any of my class. If there is even one class that comes close as far as producing my own original works, Drawing 1 would be that class. Creativity may be second on that list, but I was never much of a writer. Everyone says I am. It almost makes me want to start a new blog where every entry would be a chapter in some on-going story. I should since I obviously make time to blog and get my mind off of things. My therapy.

Ethan, a classmate of mine in English, just said to play along with it and try to get from Point A to Point B. Ken has said the same thing to me once. Frankly, I'm starting to think that I am there. I'm not at the point where I think it is pointless to learn how to write correctly (AGAIN) or learn how to tap into my creative side of my subconscious. I know better than that. But still, I want to be an artist. I want my stuff to be in galleries. I want my works to be conversation pieces for rich people at some high society party. I want my art to be see and known. Impatient little me, I guess, just wants all that right now. I know I'm not ready. That's what college is for.

Still, I rather be doing something else. I woke up probably five weeks ago all bright eyed about starting a new life. I did things I would never do in high school. I actually read the required reading. I actually did my work the day it was assigned and continued to work on it until the day it was due. I even went out with friends and stayed out with them until unheard of hours of the night. Now? Now I am back to where I was two years ago. Maybe even more. I don't care anymore. I put off work and do what I can the day before it is due. I skim instead of read things that I should because they do not interest me. With the exception of my drawings, I don't bother to take a step back and analyze my work to the point of being anal. I just want to play video games, be a criminal, surf the web, even just walk around talking to someone about things that I have no clue about. I don't know what the deal is, but I am just tired. Tired of all of this trying to get from Point A to Point B shit. I wanted something more. I wanted something new. I thought I got it. I thought I had it. Maybe I never really did.

I have this very bad feeling that college is some kind of catalyst for a downward spiral that's going to leave me dead in the end. Do I be strong and try to go on? Do I just give up and let fate have its way with me? I don't know. I just want to try to enjoy life again, but I know I can't. I'm too old to be able to enjoy things like I used to when I was so little and naive that it was cute. I'm no longer ten years old. I'm twenty. I know I should be doing something with my life, and I am, but I still feel like I am just running in one of those hamster wheels. I know I am probably a whole world better off than I was before, but I sure as hell don't feel it.

Okay, now my emotions are getting in the way. Sooner or later, I'll end up going into that little area of my mind that no one likes. That dark area of my brain where logic is skewed and the easy way out is the hardest thing to do. You know, that side of me that cannot see reality. Maybe I should say refuses to see reality.

I need to stop.