Why go to art college at all?

I was posed a question from one of the people in the film department. One of the obviously more experienced and older students. He asked why in the world would I need a Bachelors in Fine Arts when all I need to do is submit my work to some gallery and have them hang it. I never need like arguing with people that didn't know what they were talking about. I'm not saying that the guy is stupid. I'm just saying he's ignorant. I was tempted to ask him the same question only switching Fine Arts with film.

The bottom line is this: There is a lot more that goes into any art form than simply putting lines on a piece of paper or shooting something onto film.

Cold Room

My room got colder overnight. I hate living on top of the garage. I hate the fact that my room isn't insulated as well as the rest of the house too. The good thing is I can always tell when autumn really does come around.

Love is More Important Than School

I finished my work that is due tomorrow rather quickly, but felt like there was no need to do the rest of the things that are not due until Wednesday. God, I'm lazy.

I talked to Christina about how I need a new distraction. She had someone in mind almost immediately! That's so cool! I'm really sick of using all these personal sites and getting all the weirdos on there. I mean, for once I want someone at least in my generation hitting on me. If not, then someone as cute as Coffey.

I don't know what it is, but I feel a certain kinship with Christinia. Maybe it's because we are both Asian. Maybe it is because we are both kind of alike in the way we were brought up. Hell, maybe it's because we are two totally different people! For all I know, it is probably because I need someone to latch on to, and she's it since Ken and Jaime are now an item.

Ken and Jaime. They are so cute together. It makes me jealous, but happy for them.

So here I am again, blogging more than I really need to. I mean, this is part of my English and Creativity assignment, but I'm only suppose to do two or three entries a week!! How many times am I blogging? At least twice daily?? Don't you think that's a bit of an overkill?

It's late. I need my sleep still. If only I was 100% better from this damn bug that hit me.

Monday, Monday (La La La La La)

It's back to the normal routine today.

I woke up not wanting to go, but knew I had to. I'm not even done with what I need to do, but it's not like this is the first time or anything. Oh well. This afternoon that value chart for Drawing 1 takes first priority.

So this is how it feels to be burnt out, huh?

Everything seems to irk me. Angry techno music soothes me. If I hear one more command out of anyone, I'll snap and scream and complain. If I have to draw one more line of anything, I won't even try as hard as I used to. I've reached it. My limit as to how much I can take. I have found my limit as to how long I can work on school work straight without losing it.

The magic number is eight. Eight whole hours. Eight fucking whole hours of nothing but drawing and painting and contrast and balance. Eight hours. And I didn't even get paid time and a half!!

I can't relax now. To do that, I need either porn or sleep. I can't sleep while I'm this stressed. The only way to destress is to blog or play video games. I'm not in the mood to play games. This blog is only helping me not pull my hair out, which is a good thing. If it didn't, I wouldn't have even made it to the third paragraph.

Thank God the things I have left to do are not due until later in the week.

Must.... Not... KILL... FAMILY!

You know how some artists are normally the ones that the family never understands? I feel like I'm one of those people.

While cleaning my paint palette, I used one half of the sink to soak it in. Everyone starts screaming how unsanitary it is as if we are being inspected by the FDA or something! It's just a damn sink! It's not even the half we use! And it's stainless steel!! You'd have to burn germs into it in order for anything to even stay in there after one rinse!

Then, because I had enough of everyone's complaining, I go and scrub what I can of the paint out of it. Mom gets all up an arms about how I'm using the wrong kind of sponge. The wrong kind of sponge?! What the fuck is she talking about?! She said I was using the one "we use for food." You read that right. I asked her in a smart ass tone because, quite frankly, I had enough of it, "What? Do you wash food with a sponge before you cook it?" She meant that it was the sponge for the dishes. Same deal with the sink, if you ask me. How the hell can the same sponge I use transfer lead or whatever it is from paint that makes it poisonous while she is cleaning with the same damn fucking sponge?!

I give up. I'm living in a house of nothing but Adrian Monks from USANetwork.

Painting - Good Ventilation = Nice Buzz

I'm on my break. Two paintings in almost four hours or so can really cause one to nearly kill one's self... especially if you do not have that well of a ventilation. This is only the second time I've been affected by paint. Ironically, the first time was also at Watkins back when they were in downtown. The painting students were doing a mural in the staircase. Unfortunately no one knew how to open the windows, so everyone there was exposed to the fumes. This included the kids in the Young Artist Program (YAP). Guess who was in that group? You bet your life it was me!

I would blog saying that I'm not happy with how my paintings came out, but that would just be the normal artist respond to any work. Like Coffey said once, I'm starting to hate not being able to find time to be able to do my own art. It's almost like they are trying to kill our old style or something.

I'm so far behind on my drawing journal it's pathetic. Two days lost and I can't cheat my way into making three drawings (two for the days miss and one for today) because I still have one painting left to do and a value chart that I have to make perfect. I have my plate full today.

I really hate the fact that I was sick for two fucking days only to get better on the last day possible for me to do work. Damn my body's immune system!

I Hope I'm Better

I hope that I am better than I was yesterday around this time. The reason why is because I'm able to get mad about things without getting a headache about it. I guess that's a good sign.

I concluded that since I was able to type these pass few days, I might as well knock off Creativity off my to-do list. I might do some reading this afternoon too while I wait for the rest of my laundry to finish up.

Man, no one woke me when my laundry load was done. It was sitting there since noon when I left to take a nap. They didn't bother waking me until just awhile ago when they had to leave for their haircut.

Haircuts are so over rated. I want my ponytail back.

I did some browsing awhile ago. Apparently everything I want is going down in prices, and I have no way of buying any of them! Damn economy, and damn my lack of knowledge on how to get a job correctly. Oh well, to complain now would be a fool's choice. It's my own fault I'm in this situation that I'm in. Still, it really irks me how I found this just after learning that the GameCube is now the same price of the GBA SP I have. Damn my greed.

I guess this is a good sign that I'm getting better. This blog. At least, I hope it is.

Walking Washers Don't Wash

I am still sick. I sit here typing because when I talk I sound awful. Meanwhile, the washing machine walks and continues to try to break out of the wash room. I hope it doesn't cause any damages that I know I cannot repair. The things I do just to kill a bug in my bed sheets. Apparently, however, my sickness has affected my judgment in how to wash my bed items. I hope nothing stupidly fatal happens.

I am still in no condition to paint or do a value chart. I can type and read what I need to just fine, but I know that if I do, I won't be able to comprehend it. My mind is so easily distracted now in the silence that used to help me read clearly. Distracted by this damn illness. I don't remember anything hitting me this hard. I really hope that this doesn't spill over into tomorrow. If so, I'm so screwed.

Strangely enough, I feel better when I'm here typing and blogging than I do doing anything else. When I try to sleep, I become restless. When I try to do my work, I cannot concentraite. When I need to do my chores, I don't feel like it. But when I'm here blogging, I feel at peace. I feel better. I feel safe. Maybe it's my head acting up again. You know, distortying my thinking or something. I don't know what it may be, but I feel better when I'm here, and that's all that matters.

I wish my mother would just quit playing all these waltzes for my sister's debutante ball. I mean, I see all these kids out there not liking what they are doing, not liking to waltz, and if worst comes to worst, not liking the ball. I love my sister. Don't get me wrong on that. I just really wish my mom wouldn't put so much effort into her party and fail to remember that she did not do the same kind of thing for me when I turned 18. Maybe when I turn 21. Doubt it since I don't drink and I've never gone clubbing.

If I had one birthday wish when I turn 21, it would be to be able to have an arcade of games all to myself and to whoever I bring along. Ken, Jaime, and Christina are on the top of that list. Unfortunately, I know Christinia probibly won't be able to make it. She works like crazy to put herself through college. It almost makes me wish I didn't screw things up with the boys just so I can help her out.

Yes, you read that right. I still think about the boys. I don't know why. I can't get them out of my head. Anything Disney related I think of Jack. Channel surfing and seeing a BoFlex commercial reminds me of James. And every time I see a skater on ESPN2 I think of Andrew.

Why can't I let go?

I really need Christina to hook me up with someone to help me forget. I need to talk to her the next time I see her and tell her my problem. Too bad the only time I'll get to do that is probibly Tuesday.

I Am Officially Sick

Some time after I got home, I started to feel really shaky. It turns out that I caught some bug or something and is now sick, which is rare for me. Thank God that it isn't during a school day. I can't afford to miss any classes, keyword being "afford" (hint hint). We don't really have any meds around the house, so I was stuck with good old Raman chicken noodle soup and Halls.

Did you ever go to sleep once with like a piece of food stuck in your mouth just right so that it doesn't kill you in your sleep but still messes with you in some weird way? That was last night for me. I fell asleep as I had a Halls in my mouth. I ended up dreamed these really strange dreams. Then again, knowing how I dream to begin with, that's not saying much.

I dreamed that I got kicked out of Watkins because I was killing everyone's imagination, which apparently was vital to college survival. On my way out, I found a box of remotes with several people's name on them. For some reason, I found Ken's and hit the reset button on it. The next thing I knew, I got a call from Ken asking if I wanted to go see a movie with him and Charlie. This is the exact same phone call that I got back when I first met him, remember? Damn my brain. In the background I heard someone ask Ken if he was alright. I then find myself in a car singing about mocking birds. I wish I could remember the song.

Right now, I just wish that my mom would respect the fact that I am sick and close the damn front door. It's only making me feel worst.

A Blog Without Blogger

I wrote this while waiting for my ride today.

I must be brief because my train of thought could slip away at any time.

Coffey just passed by wearing a tight rank top and baggy cargos that just barely hung onto his ass. It was the closet thing to skater perfection that I have seen! I wanted him at that very moment, but I knew that could not happen. I know better than to act on a crush. I learned that lesson the hard way with Brian back when I was a sophomore or junior in high school.

Still, for what it is worth, Coffey is really really fine. Like I said, practically skater perfection. Not a line out of place. Not a single movement out of sensual rhythm. Practically perfect.

It's a shame he is straight and smokes.

I would expand on this, but my sister needs the computer.

Sweet Sleep

It's amazing. Have you ever noticed how innocent and beautiful a person is, even if you hate them so much, when they are sleeping? You really should sometime. It's just simply amazing how they look.

But, You're An Artist...

We did the one thing I do not like to do in any way what-so-ever.

Paint.

I hate painting. Paint, no matter what kind, never agrees with me. They never stay the color I want them to. They never go where I want them to. They never stay in place. I can't do anything with them no matter how hard I try. I hate it.

This is why I like pen and pencil better. I'll take dry materials over paint any day.

While I was waiting for my ride, I got to hang out more with Christina. We talked about things and did what work we could do. In all honesty, I thought she had class at the time, like everyone else, to where I was going to end up waiting all alone for my ride. I told her that this Halloween I would love to go hang out with Ken, but I'm afraid that he and Jaime would have something planed then. She invited me to come hang out at the bar. She's so sweet. I really should ask her to hook me up with someone. She's a good judge of character, and I could use someone with that kind of quality in my little network of friends that is forming. Why? Because I lack good judgment.

I saw Ken working today. It seems weird how he is both an employee and a student at Watkins. Then again, I would have been in the same position he was in today had everything worked out for me in Seattle. I really should stop thinking about that place. Stop thinking about my past and all those dreams I had. I really need a new distraction.

Incidentals, while working on a drawing, I didn't think of anything other than how long I spent on it. One whole hour, and I'm not happy with the way it came out. Every artist says that.

Two new cute guys that have been floating around have caught my eye, but neither one is within my taste. They are cute, yeah, but not my taste. Besides, they both smoke. I don't mind their tattoos, but then again, I don't really like them. I kind of like tasteful tattoos like arm band tattoos. Maybe it's just me. I don't know.

I seem to be saying that a lot less lately. Maybe that means I'm getting smarter. I hope so. I'm tired of being stupid... socially speaking.

With all this writing that I've been doing, I can't help but wonder what my real calling in life is now. I thought I would end up one of those poor, barely-able-to-live-on-their-own gallery artists, but with all the writing I've done for Creativity and even for English, it just feels like I'm going to end up being some kind of writer. Maybe I'll be like Dr. Suess and be able to both write and draw at the same time. At least, that's what I think he did.

We'll see what the future holds. For now, I just want to be a normal college student... only without the beer and drugs.

"But who here would ever understand..."

Find out which tNBC song you are! Quiz by JessieofTR.

You're lonely and tired of everything being the same. You long for something new. You also tell about how you're good at something, but you've decided it's time to move on. You poor depressing skeleton, you.

"Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones,
An emptiness began to grow..."

I'd say that would be accurate.

Culture vs. Cultured

Today was interesting.

In Drawing, we were suppose to have a model. The model never showed. Instead, we kept working on proportion.

During break when I was waiting on Jaime to go to the Frist Art Museum, Christina read me her essay about culture vs. circumstance. I couldn't help but relate on so many levels. I also felt sad for her, because I know what it's like to deal with similar things. How you keep being told that you are disrespectful to your parents even though you're just being your American self. That's the thing about Asian cultures. The older the age, the higher up you are on the higherarcy of respect. In America, that's not really the case sometimes in some families. Mix the two cultures together, and you get some nasty results.

At Frist, we apparently arrived late, because the tour had already start. Some of the highlights for me include seeing a Red Grooms work in person! It was like something out of pop up book, but still beautiful in every way. Other highlights for me were seeing a metallic representation of the back of a dollar bill and a fully functional salad bowl that looks like a radish. We'll be back Thursday to write a narrative on a piece that strikes our fancy.

I was talking to Christina during her five hour break. Her teacher loved her essay. I asked if anyone did "the good Christian thing and cry." Apparently not. I always love it when you hear someone else's pain and someone in the room cries. I hate it when I'm the one that ends up crying. I hate it even more if I'm the only one in the damn room too. Overall, though, I'm really glad that she got a real eye-opener out there even if it is a small class. I'm also glad that there is someone out there that I can relate to as far as how strict parents can be.

Damn my Asian background.

ZZzzzz...

It was so hard waking up this morning. I was in a dream I really didn't want to wake up from. It was just perfect. I was idolized. I had powers beyond imagination. I was popular! It was everything I wanted. But it had to end.

I ended up losing a day's worth of work yesterday thanks to sleep. God, I really should stop being this way. Being such an over-achiever. I mean, Ken is right. We are in college now. I should just bullshit all the classes I don't like (2D and Art History) and then concentrate on all the other classes I do like!

Still, that's no excuse for me sleeping yesterday away and losing my reading time for English Comp.

What the fuck!?!

I just looked at my planner when I was trying to remember what tonight's work is, and I just found out that Mid-terms are in two weeks!!

Where did all that time go?!

Creative Block

Okay, do you know what the worst thing in the world is that I, as an artist, can possibly get? Here's a hint. Look at the title.

The assignment is to create a visual representation of a poem that we have been reading in Creativity. The thing is, I don't know what to do for it, and quite frankly, the poem speaks for itself and makes it's own visuals. The kind of visuals it makes is nothing that I can draw up. It's impossible!

You know, the more I start thinking like this, the less of an artisan I'll really be.

Too Much Fun? NO WAY!!

Last night, Ken called me up and invited me to watch Underworld. I heard very little about it, but all I knew prior to going into the movie is that it involved things I am interested in. Namely vampires, werewolves, and other things from the time of the dark ages when magic and rituals were taken serious. I told Ken I was broke, but he said that was okay since Jaime got a deal from a friend that knows a friend that got a deal. Sweet deal, huh?

On my way out the door, I was handed $30 by my aunt. She knows how to spoil me.

Once there, I offered to pay for the tickets. Hey, I was in a good mood! I mean, just look at yesterday's entry. How could I not be? So no one in our little gang had to pay since it was all on me. The one thing I did notice is that everyone was in some kind of black Goth outfit, and here I was in baby blue. Talk about sticking out like a sore thumb.

The movie itself was really good. I have this odd want to by some leather outfit (or at least more black outfits) and some fake vampire teeth for Halloween now! I love the character Michael... although I'll never admit it in person. He starts off like a wimp, but by the end, he's really kick ass!!

After the movie, I felt odd. Everyone knew one person or another that was there. I didn't. Well, at least not outside of Ken, Jaime, and Bo. It made me feel out of place. Jaime noticed it, but I denied it. I just wondered around and tried to act like I was enjoying myself. I told Ken later that I felt out of place there, but he told me that I really shouldn't. Damn my insecurity.

As I watched Bo do an escort mission in Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty, I couldn't help but notice Ken and Jaime cuddling on the inflatable couch. They look so cute together. I'm happy for both of them. Not to mention a little bit jealous. I wish I had their kind of chemistry with someone at Watkins. Oh well, hopefully, some day.

Today, I helped my aunt pick out and install her DVD/VHS combo. We finished our shopping a little early, so I hit up Tilt. As I was starting my second game, my aunt called my cell. As a result, I bombed bad at DDR. Definitely not my best performance.

I really need to get to work. I have a lot of projects that I need to finish by Monday that I really don't know how to start. Why can't all my classes be as easy going as Creativity and Drawing 1?

So Far, So Good

I was downloading 40 Days and 40 Nights and the codec needed to watch it. I started about last night around 23:00 or so. It didn't completely download until this morning around 11:30 or so. Overall the movie was funny, but that's pretty much it. Josh Harnet played his role nicely, although I can't say the same for whoever played "Nicole" in the movie. God, what an evil bitch!

After the movie, I deleted it. Hey, it's not worth keeping. I didn't enjoy it THAT much.

My aunt wanted to go out to Media Play for CD's. She said she'd buy me something too as long as it was under $100 bucks. I told her that cancels me out since the Gameboy Advance SP I want is still $99.99. A little later, she jokingly asked if I have any money to cover the tax. I told her about the $10 dollars that Dad gave me "just in case." Then she told me not to spend any of it!! I love my aunt when she does that.

When we got to Media Play, they had a display up next to the video games celebrating The Nightmare Before Christmas's 10th Anniversary. It's been ten years since it was released?! Wow! On top of that, I wasn't aware of how many Halloween/Christmas decorations they had available. We grabbed the last DVD. We also looked for the soundtrack, but to no avail. That's when we went to Best Buy. Actually, we had to since my aunt wanted to get a DVD/VHS combo unit to replace her VCR. While there, we browsed, but left opting to buy it another day. I was her private IT, and for once, I enjoyed it. My aunt said that apparently I know more than the people working there. Tomorrow we will check Wal-Mart for price comparisons. On our way out, we found the last copy of the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack!! And the employee running the CD area today said they don't have any left. Shows what she knows.

So, so far everything is going well! We actually acquired everything I wanted for once! Looks like Mom is off the hook and doesn't have to get me a GBA SP anymore! Won't that be good news for her? Okay, maybe not. Knowing her, she probably will be all "You forced your aunt to buy you it, didn't you?" Whatever. As for all the Nightmare Before Christmas stuff? For now, I'm pleasantly sharing it with my aunt, CD and DVD. She said later she will go to BORDERS and look for copies of her own. She also said I can keep the movie!!

I love my Auntie. She knows how to spoil me like I should.

The Beginnings of a Downward Spiral?

They are no fun anymore. My video games. I went through each one. Every last one for every system I own.

Pokemon has lost its fun at being a game about being the best in the world. The power trip is now nothing more than a chore of taking care of pets that could kill you if you abuse them.

Sonic has lost its fun at being a game where you would go so fast it would required you to have equally fast reflexes to play it. The game just seems so slow to me.

Earthworm Jim feels harder than it used to be. It used to be that the difficulty never really bothered me as long as I had fun. It's like the exact opposite now.

Aladdin used to be fun to play, but now it just feels like Mickey Mania. A game based off a cartoon franchise that had breakthrough technology for its time but is dated now. It doesn't feel fun. It's no longer funny either.

LUNAR, a RPG I practically worshiped, is no longer complelling. I know the stories; I know the songs by heart. Not only is the fun gone, but so is that romantic feeling I got from the game. A beautiful treasure tarnished.

All my other games are two player games. They were never fun to play with by one's self. Those kind of games are more fun to play with someone else. A friend.

God, I wish I had a friend. I want one so badly, but I know for a fact that I cannot be a friend myself. I'm only fooling myself thinking I can be. I've been fooling myself for the pass month thinking that I could even have friends! How can I have friends when I can't even be a friend myself?! I'm no good. Maybe it's the insecurity talking again. Maybe it's just my gut feeling. Maybe it's the loneliness taking hold. Maybe it's the fact that I know I've done things I shouldn't have. What is it exactly that is driving me so mad?! Why can't I pin it down and find out how to fix it!? Is it me? I know it has something to do about me, but what? What is it about me that is so wrong?! Why can't I see what is wrong with me? Why is it when I am told what is wrong with me, I end up going so insane like I am now? Why can't I have some kind of support network that can be there for me and help me feel better about myself even with my flaws?

I hate this. I've reverted back to whatever I was before I started college. I've become my own worst enemy again. It's only a matter of time before I end up meeting some raver kid. It's only a matter of time before I end up doing things I know I shouldn't do. It's only a matter of time before I take things I shouldn't be taking.

It's only a matter of time before I'm dead.

Should I worry?

Jesus Christ! I go and take a nap for about two hours and everything just goes all to hell!! What's the deal?! Who keeps calling me that I can't get in contact with on my cell phone? Who keeps calling the house every thirty minutes but never leaves a message?! And what is the deal with Cingular Wireless calling us up saying something about having important information about our account?!

It hasn't even been 12 hours since they left and already I screwed this up! Good luck getting the house to myself again.

Flawed

I say that I'm sorry, but they tell me that I shouldn't be.
I act the way I do because I don't think, and that causes hurt and distrust.
From that hurt,
From that pain,
I am equally hurt.
They tell me that I shouldn't be sorry for the way I am.
I tell them that they are wrong.
I should be sorry.
I am sorry.

For someone not poetic in any way, shape, or form... well, I won't even attempt to flatter my work. I'm starting to feel like crap. I should.

What happened to me over the last two years to become like this? Have I always been like this? What is the deal with that? I don't understand. So many thoughts going through my head. Some I wish I never thought about. I feel so confused, so lost now. I mean, who am I? I thought I knew, but I guess I don't. I don't know anymore than I did before I started feeling this way.

What kind of friend am I? What kind of person am I? Am I really that bad? How can I validate myself? Should I even validate myself? Why am I so insecure? What happened to me to be so screwed up?

One name keeps coming up when I ask these questions: Andrew.

Why did I meet him? What was the point? If things happen for a reason, were the last two years suppose to make me so insane that every time I try to make friends I fail to the point where I'm bordering Van Gough on the insane meter? Am I wrong to think that I am just really lonely?

I need help, but I'm too lazy to get any... like I can now.

The Day I Wore My Boxers Backwards

I have so much typing that I need to do that I might as well blog first so that I can get into the mood of typing like a mad man.

First off, I was so tired yesterday that I just fell asleep and didn't really do any of the work that was due today until the very last minute. Talk about putting it off, huh? I enjoyed yesterday's Drawing 1 class. It was the kind of class where you work and work and you don't realize that you already killed an hour or two... or even three! Now that's what I came to college to do.

Creativity happened, and we found out what happened to our teacher last week. Apparently her spinal tap leaked. Talk about graphic. Just that sentence alone should paint a gooey picture of a hole near the base of your spine oozing out bodily fluids you didn't even knew you had but knew you had to have or else something bad would happen. And if that last sentence wasn't being graphic, I don't know what is now!

Today was different, though. I found a new hatred for my 2D class. Apparently, the fact that I am the artists and not the teacher doesn't exist. My teacher wants a piece of work to look a certain way regardless of how else I would like it to be. At this rate, she will be responsible for stifling my individual style rather than helping it. No wonder our class is down to three people.

English didn't happen for about half of the class. Not that many people showed up for the focus group that was to happen next door. The meeting was about dorms being put in. They wanted to talk to us students because it is going to be our dorm room and we are not the typical college students. We are all artists. Artists tend to be atypical. I mean, just look at me! Okay, I'm a poor example of what I'm talking about. In that case, look at Van Gough. He was crazy enough to believe that as an artist he didn't need his ears (or so I am told). Anyway, the contractors and builders wanted to know what it was that we would like. It seems obvious that we need some kind of hard flooring since the fine arts people are obviously going to make a mess. A lot of people want their privacy and wanted one bedroom apartments/dorms built into the plan. There was a lot of push for that. I said that it's because we aren't fans of the whole "study group" scene, which got a laugh from the room. Hey, my cynical humor was appropriate for the study. I suggested that for security reasons they should use our Student ID card since, well, what other use are they handed to us for? I haven't had to flash that card out since I got it more than a month ago!

After they left, it was business as usual.

Ken caught me after class as I was doing my daily drawing. He wanted to know how tomorrow was going to work out since he is going to be my ride. He wanted to know if he had to pick me up. I know he's not a morning person, and if he did that, he'd be dead at my door! I told him that he doesn't have to do that. My parents are going to just drop me off and then go off to Virginia for the next to day, so all he has to do is take me home. That's when I invited him over if he wants to. Change of scenery, wants to hang out, whatever is good with him. I really got to learn how to be more demanding, but I don't know. Maybe I'm too nice to say something as stupid as "I want you to hang out with me" and try not to let him talk his way out of it unless he's got a damn good reason like school.

The rest of today I watch a dragonfly cheat death with what little on-coming traffic we have in front of the school. I like dragonflies. They are so pretty.

Okay, time to do my narrative on a group of pictures for Creativity. This blog got me into the mood to write.

Because REAL Artists Don't Use Crayola!

I had a bad day. Actually, according to Christina, "Someone is having a case of 'The Mondays.'"

First off, in 2D, I felt like my artistic skills were insulted. Okay, maybe they weren't, but I sure as hell was hurt. Apparently, my teacher doesn't like Crayola color pencils. Her reason was that they don't mark the paper at all, they don't blend at all, and all they do is scratch the paper. In all my years of using the brand, I have never had that problem! She also said that my brushes wouldn't cut it for the painting we will do later this week because they are all for oil and not for acrylic. She then took it back saying that they could work simply because I don't have the receit to return them. I should save them for when I start Painting 1.

I'm starting to hate her class.

During the break in between my classes, the damn coke machine ate my money and didn't give me a Mellow Yellow. That's the first time that has happened to me since I was at Overton. I kicked the machine as I walked away from it thinking it would make me feel better. It did, but that didn't settle my hunger any.

Then, in Art History, not only was I again behind the sild projector that blows nothing but the cold air in the theater in a concentrated fashion towards me, but apparently I got a nasty bug that caused me to have a headache for half of the class!! It sucked!

Luckily, the day did get a little better like Jaime said.

After my dad picked me up, we took a detour to Sam's Club. We picked up a few items as well as few choice grocery items. All tax free, of course. Got to exploit that Sam's Club Business Member perk, you know? We also went to Michael's craft store and picked up all the shit I need for 2D to please the teacher. I wanted one of their mannequins, but the bill already came up to $50. I didn't want to shoot it up any higher.

Right now, it's too late to do any of my homework because one of them involves me just being engrossed in music. To play the song I want to as loud as I want to at this hour of night would just be rude... especially for a Monday!

How ironic that the day I don't bring my book to class I get a reading assignment in it.

I'm slow.

It took me three weeks to realize that I don't have to bring my text books with me to class! They stay at home as out of class reading provided my assignments aren't all that time consuming.

Man, you can tell I'm still out of the loop as far as the school thing goes, huh?

I'm bored.

Well, that's strange. I'm actually bored online. There is nothing to do; I have no ambition to check on the message boards I go to; I don't want to read about Tutankhamon and the art of his tomb even though I need to know this stuff for tomorrow. It's weird. Very weird.

I wonder if this is how potheads feel right before the munchies kick in.

What to do?

Well, I have two problems now to deal with.

First, for some bizarre reason, during one of my download session on KaZaA someone was evil enough to install some program that keeps changing the homepage to something different. This is really bad for this computer since it's being shared. I guess I have to be careful where and what I download now. I hate evil advertisers that do this kind of shit online. It is annoying and doesn't help sell products no one wants! I mean, really. Who was the idiot that thought that pop-up ads were a good thing? Now if only I could figure out how to get rid of it.

Second, I finished my music piece I was suppose to do for 2D. It was harder than I thought, and frankly, I think I did it wrong. I'll find out tomorrow at class since it isn't due until Wednesday. If I did do it wrong, what will I do with it now? I mean, how can I fit it to how she wants it? I can't exactly figure out how to draw to music and get each of the different movement represented. It just feels weird since I draw to music all the time and don't think about it or its movements or whatever.

I wish I was smarter and more creative than I am now.

I'm such a slut...

Okay, so I'm only 24% slut, but hey, that still means I am one.

I'm joking!

...

Okay, half joking...

Martin Luther King I Am Not

I was reading a letter of Martin Luther King's for English Comp. Around halfway through or so, Dr. King mentioned something about how some Negroes at the time where to the point where they can't fight anymore and just accepted things as they are. That statement I related to the most to. I did mostly because of the fact that I have. I've pretty much accepted that the people I'll always find attractive are always going to straight. I've accepted that I won't be much of a friend to anyone. I have accepted the fact that I'm easy, a slut, and that I should belong in an institution because of my lack of logic. I have accepted the fact that I am probably not going to amount to anything. I have accepted that I am going to college only because I have to and not because I want to. I have accepted the fact that I don't think anyone will really care about me and show it to me to the point where I would be stupid enough not to believe that they do care.

All these things I have accepted and more.

As I read more and more into it, I got angry remembering how I am in my own struggle. Like Dr. King, my whole group of people (gay people) aren't being accepted by anyone. Well, for the most part. Those of strong faith still see us as unnatural, the spawn of the devil, an evil that should be dealt with and deleted from the world. They just don't like the fact that I like people of the same sex. They don't like the fact that I am human like them but still unlike them. That's why I cannot legally marry. That's why I can get fired legally for being myself. That's why I can get out of the military if The Draft gets reinstated. That's why I am here and who I am.

That's why I am so messed up. At least, that's one reason why I am messed up.

Spoken Like a True Artist

I am not happy with my non-traditional drawing of a plate of spaghetti. It looks like a brain with a mullet. Drawing it was harder than I originally thought. The pasta sauce wouldn't stick to the dry noodles like I thought it would. On top of that, the noodles kept snapping! God, it was such a pain. I finished the drawing faster than I thought even with all the problems. It still has to dry. The grease from the pasta sauce is making some interesting effects, though. I hope Julie (my Drawing 1 teacher) likes it, because I sure as hell don't.

My aunt asked me a while ago while I was (and still am) waiting for the picture to dry if I had any good photos that I have taken. She wants to make a calendar out of them. I don't think I had any good shots that are calendar worthy, but I handed all my most recent pictures to her. The funny thing is, I haven't taken any photos since our last trip to Disney World. Somehow she found some good shots. Well, what she deems good shots. Frankly, she took all the ones I don't like for one reason or another. They are out of focus; they aren't centered; there isn't enough color. Oh well, if she likes them, more power to her.

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

I stepped back over to the "dark side" as far as the RIAA is concerned and burned myself all the Nightmare Before Christmas MP3s I got off of KaZaA. I haven't burned a CD since my old computer died! It feels weird. The good thing is I was able to make the tracks louder compared to the CDs my sister burns.

Hey, I have to do something while I wait for that sauce to get to room temperature.

"TOM ATE MY GUMMI BEARS!"

(Title Note:This is a line from the TV show Daria referring to Jane using gummi bears as art material for her sculpture.)

Well, hopefully I won't get hungry when I am doing my drawing with pasta sauce and uncooked fetachini. Then again, I just hope I don't end up sneezing a wad of snot on it. I woke up fairly active as far as cleaning out the respiratory system goes.

Joints, Blunts, and Stumps

A four hour nap is just what I needed. I feel so much better.

Note to Self: Bring blending stumps to Drawing 1 Tuesday and color pencils to 2D Monday.

(Now you know why I titled this entry... well, if you know what I'm talking about, that is.)

Next time, wear black...

I got charcoal all over my cool blue shirt! That make my morning suck. I like this blue shirt a lot. Hopefully it will come out.

My Creativity teacher was out again. So much for that. I was starting to like her class even though they are trying to find out what is in my damn trunk. Well, it was my own damn fault for bringing it up, but whatever.

I had salmon and the best shrimp I have ever had for lunch at Ken's since we didn't have Creativity. I just ate while I let Ken and Jaime, who also joined us for lunch, talk. They are so cute together. I hope they hook up.

On our way out, I picked up a tea cup from Ken's collection of chipped dishes from his father's Japanese restaurant that they can't use for cosmetic reasons. Knowing me, this cup is going to end up as a planter or a pencil holder.

When we got back to Watkins, I headed to the coffee shop/student lounge area. Christina was there. She was drained of all energy. She said she has road rage because she was stuck in traffic and ended up being late for her favorite class. She said she had a mini-rave in her car. I thought that was funny. While she was chewing Ken over something private, I was put in charge of her cell phone. I went through her pictures and found several interesting people. I hate my picture she has of me in her phone book. My cheek bones are just so ugly. I did see a rather cute looking boy. It's her friend Josh. Apparently, the picture I saw of him was when he was asleep. Christina tells me that Josh sleeps in the nude and he is "well equipped." Damn, too bad he is straight. White boys all seem to have big dicks.

Last I left them, Ken and Christina with Aaron in tow were in one of the sound stages about to fall asleep on one of the couches. Aaron for some reason kept spanking Ken's ass. Ken would try to kick him in the face each time. Fun time and slightly erotic. I also found out from Aaron that apparently Ken is very ticklish in the belly. Maybe I should pass that on to Jaime. Nah, I'll wait until they are an item.

I want to go to sleep before I try to do a drawing with pasta sauce and dry pasta. I'm going to be using it to draw spaghetti. Should be interesting. I'm also going to draw an abstract to the Finale of Nightmare Before Christmas for another class. The other stuff I have to do are all busy work, but whatever. I'm too tired right now to care. Maybe I will when I'm well rested.

Do I even want to remember?

Well, it's 9-11 again. That means I will see nothing but it or things that relate to it on the news for the most part of the morning and maybe even during the evening.

I don't know anymore.

I'm with what this one guy said in my English Comp. class. 9-11 happened because a bunch of people wanted to make a statement to the US. That statement was to leave other countries alone and concentrate on your own country. I mean, look at how our own armed forces are spread out? If another thing like this happens, or worst!, if we are invaded, what then? The national guard probably is too small to stand a chance! I think the President should get off his high-horse and take a look at our country instead. If he wants to help Iraq, he should be the president of Iraq then. And yes, Mr. President. That was an insult. I'm not going to retract like Nashville's mayor or governor or whoever it was that said something against the president and took it back saying that it wasn't an insult. Right now, I don't care who I offend. In fact, if I do offend someone, I think then that I've used my first amendment right to the fullest.

BCI-21 Black

Don't you hate it when you have an important paper due the next day and your printer runs out of ink on you before you can even print the first page?

Oh yeah, that happened to me.

Well, that's new...

First off, Blogger just released a whole lot of new features I can use for my blog. (Oh, look! A spell-checker!) That's not the only thing new today.

Apparently, television isn't the only place were reruns can happen. My 2D class felt like I was in my Drawing 1 class again. How so? We were doing blind contours and studying lines. Now I get to do that same lesson in both classes!! Talk about redundant.

English Comp. was interesting. We got into a debate that almost tore the class into an anarchic state. Apparently some people cannot tell the difference between torture and just plain killing. You would think that everyone in the world would know the difference between a quick and painless death or a slow and painful torture. My sister thinks it is because some people are ignorant because of how they are raised. I think my opinions are starting to cause me to be an activist. Is that good?

Man, now I have to write a bunch of responses to four pieces of art that we talked about yesterday. The sad thing is, I barely remember any of them. Damn all that second-hand smoke.

Coffey (Yes, I realized that I was spelling his name wrong this entire time! Damn me and my failure to learn how to spell names!) is straight. Sucks for me. Strangely enough he has a bisexual girlfriend. That would be every straight man's dream, right? Well, this girl apparently has a girlfriend that has a kid. Wierd, huh? Oh well, whatever gets you up, I guess.

Second Hand Dreams

I think the second hand smoke got to me yesterday, because I did absolutely nothing! I didn't finished my Drawing assignment due tomorrow let alone type up those responces that I need to type up. I just laid around with a big headache and a runny nose.

I had the strangest dreams because of it, I think.

I first dreamed that Ken or Coffee, I forget who, was over at my house. I was picking out CDs when suddenly he (for lack of a better word to describe who was there) came up behind me and started hugging me from behind. He then started whispering things into my ear.

The second dream I had was about Leo. It was some kind of twisted version of Romeo and Juliet... only Leo's acting was better. It felt organic. Almost as if he meant the lines he was saying and was Romeo. Claire Daines was in it too, but the Leo I know is NOT DiCaprio. Freaky dream.

Among Smokers

I don't smoke. Never wanted to, never will. However, I've been around a lot of smokers. I have to say that they are the most intellegent bunch of people I have ever met even though they are slowly killing themselves.

Coffee made the comment how the ash tray they have out there looks like a giant penis. I asked him if he has a problem with it, and he said that he doesn't. If he did, that would be a problem according to him since he's a guy. Don't most guys have something against looking at something like that if they are straight? I know Ken does. When we were in the gallery after Creativity, he didn't want to view this one piece because he called it "blatently phalic." I have to agree with him there. They do look like dildos. Anyway, back to Coffee. I'm going to see if I can't talk to him alone tomorrow. There are only three people in the class, so hopefully it won't be that hard to do. I should have asked him if he was gay when I had the chance.

I talked to someone that was in my Creativity class too who smokes. I want to say her name is Brooke or Sarah, but I don't know which it is. We had an intellegent conversation about car pooling, high school, and cell phone owners that don't ever turn on their phones. That would be where my mom falls in. She has a phone, but it is never on unless she wants to contact us. That kind of defeats the purpose of having one. Don't you think so?

One thing I'm experiancing from second hand smoke that I haven't even thought I've been around it all during high school is the fact that I'm strangely tired yet hungry at the same time. I want to eat and then fall asleep. Hey, that's not a bad idea. I think I'll do that now.

Random Monday

Well, President Bush is in town, Ken will joining the protesters to give out food, and, hopefully, no one will be arrested. America the beautiful, indeed.

I want to be right for once. On the car ride home, I got shot down with everything I was trying to say against the President. Everything from how Bush is being so ignorant of what is really going on in this country instead of being so concerned about Iraq to how he is really only getting the support of the rich people and no one else. God, I really hope that no one shows up for that dinner. That would be great!

I got to hang out with Christina! I gave her my number, confirmed the one I got from Ken, and then said probibly the stupidest line I have ever said before in my life to another person in person.

"We need to hang out more. I feel like I am annoying Ken lately, so we need to hang out more."
"Really? Why?"
"I just feel like I am."

I feel bad for her. She doesn't get off work until 04:00. I don't know if she has morning classes, but if she does, man that sucks!

I only have two real homework assignments to do for my Wednesday class. I have to do a tone drawing for 2D design that has unity and a focal point, and I have to retype (yet again!) my letter to the editor. Hopefully, third time is the lucky charm.

For such an easy day, I so want to sleep.

Shut up, brain!

Well, today is my second Art History Class. Three hours about cave paintings and how writing came about and pottery serving as records.

I really hope Christina is there to at least change the pace for me.

I hope Coffee is gay. Too bad he smokes.

You know, it's way too early for me to be thinking like this and way too late in my life to be so juvinile. I should be concentraiting on my breakfast and how it isn't balanced. Or should I just be like every other 20-year-old and not care about what I eat as long as I eat something?

God, why am I thinking like this this morning!!

Creativity, Comfort, Concern, and Christina

I called Ken up last night at the suggestion of my Creativity teacher. I was having trouble with the assignment and needed to bounce ideas and concerns off someone that would listen. Ken seemed like that person.

Apparently, Ken was really giddy because Jaime called him back. He sent her a letter that pretty much said in so many words that he likes her. She liked it. Ken said that his first date with her is going to be at that protest tomorrow at Vandy since President Dumb-butt (Bush) is going to be in town.

The whole evening I was hoping that while we walked around the Parthenon and Vandy I was hoping for some kind of input from Ken about what I could bring in for this assignment. We ended up getting off on so many tangents, it was rediculous! The good thing is I got a good idea as to what to bring in on Tuesday. Thank God I have a few more days to work on it.

I ended up spending the night at Ken's place because Brad was out for the weekend. It's only been two weeks, and I've already been over at his place three times and slept over twice! I have to say that that's fairly fast for me as far as friends go.

I think my co-dependent side of me is showing again. Either that or that side of me that is so lonely that he would give up his right arm, left leg, and his own mother for a companion. Either way, I'm starting to get uncomfortably close to Ken, and I know it. I found out that I made him uncomfortable a few times already. I need to back off. I got a good distraction for that now. It's called college work and assignment. All I have to occupy myself like crazy of nothing but it. He and Jaime can get as close as they want. In fact, I want them to be. They are cute together. I just want a friend I can be really close to again like what I had going for me before.

I'm looking for something I can't have again.

I didn't go to Food Not Bombs today. Ken warned me that the cops may give them trouble again since they don't want homeless people all over Riverfront Park. Something about tourism. Call me a pussy, but I don't want to get in trouble with the cops even though they can't do much of anything to what Food Not Bombs is doing. At least, I hope they can't do anything. That would suck if they end up doing something even thought I don't think they can. That's the last thing that should happen to a group of kids that come to together just to feed the homeless with no kind of alternate motive like they are doing it for church or some non-profit orginization. I mean, that's just wrong on so many levels! The funny thing is, I have this weird vision of all the homeless people banding together to protect the kids from the cops as they are getting arrested for some stupid reason that will more than likely be thrown out due to how rediculous it is. Okay, that was stupid, but what can I say?

Tomorrow I get to hang out with Chrisitina even if it is only in Art History. Yay! She's cool, and I want to hang out with her more... if I can, that is.

Why? Wynaut!

I think I found my reason for saving up for a GBA SP and Pokemon Ruby/Saphire.



Isn't it cute?

Time for a Change

I thought now would be a good time for a change in the blog. Actually, it's long since overdue since I was planing on changing everything once I got into college. I guess I'm about three weeks behind on that project.

Anyway, as you can see, my front page has more blogs now on display. It's to balance out the number of links I have on the new side bar. I also got rid of my old nickname thing. I figure I might as well use my real name instead. I mean, it's not like I'm famous or anything, so why should I hide who I am? Okay, so maybe I'm kissing that internet annonimity away. So what? It's not like I have credit card numbers flying around. Also, you can see I have a few adult links set up. I might as well separate the good from the bad as far as my links go from the old blog. I also added a few new ones in there that I have been meaning to ad.

Like the title option? I just found it. Now if I have a title for something, I can type it in now! I think that's cool.

Anyway, enough of that. I need to figure out how to conquer this Creativity assignment.

I think the workaholic in me is coming out because I was able to get most of my assignments done with the exception of one. It's for creativity. I am suppose to bring in a piece of work made out of necessity as well as five copies of what I think is cool about it, what I think needs work, and three questions I want answered about it.

I don't want to do it. The only art I made out of necessity is sitting in that damn trunk. I don't want to bring it out. I need to create something out of what I consider my necessity to create. I need to create something before I explode in an emotional rage that few have seen and even fewer want to see. I need to become what I was nearly four years ago... and I don't want to do that for this. Going that far back would be too dangerous. Going that far back would destroy all that has made me who I am right now.

There's got to be another way. There just has to be.

FINALLY! The first two Chapters of Art History are history! Urgh, I really hope the next week's chapter(s) aren't like this or else I will never survive the class.

That's interesting.... my last post ended with my real name in the by-line instead of the usual Zeek Slider. Odd. The HTML on the template says to post my nickname, so I wonder what happened.

Oh well.

Let's see. What to do today.

1. Art History Survay 1 notes on the rest of chapter 1 and on chapter 2
2. Get tracing paper for 2D Design homework (driver permitting.... urgh)
3. Edit letter to the editor if I feel the need to for English Comp.
4. Continue Drawing 1 Journal (easy)
5. Find an unfinished work of art made out of necissity to bring in (HARD!!)

There are two on that list that I don't want to do, one on there I can't do, and one that I hope I will be bale to do but more than likely will forget to do.

It's only my second college weekend and I'm already back into nearly going insane because of stuff like this! The only thing that will relax me is the fact that the last assignment on the list is so vauge that it should be easy to do. I want to stick to what I'm good at without alienating my department. On top of that, I haven't made anything out of necissity since that self portrait painting that I have thrown away in my recently claimed "Pandora's Box" of a trunk of mine. Perhaps now is the time I get my Trunks key chain with the trunk key (Get it? Trunks from DragonballZ is holding the key to my trunk? Oh nevermind...), open up that damn box, and pull out the painting I did.

No, I can't do that. Not yet.

I may be over Andrew as a potential boyfriend, but at the same time when I remember that painting like I am now, I start to remember about the other boys. About James and Jack and Brian and Sam and Sean and Russ and Matt and Ryan and David and Leo and Mark and Aaron and Bobby and Randy. I remember even Josh and Dan! It hurts just thinking about the picture. It hurts thinking about them and what happened. I learned so much from them. You can't forget people that teach you things like how to be ballsy and when, how to be honest, how the world really works, and, dare I say, what it's really like to be rich and powerful. The last I can live without. I don't want to be rich and powerful and own a garage of 25 cars I will never drive. I'll leave that to Ken. I've had a taste of what that is like even thought I never really had any of the money. I know what it's like from a second-hand point of view. It's an ugly and boring life. It's amazing how much money can corrupt you.

I wonder if I can get into that gay club that Christina was telling me about. Nah, I'll wait till I'm 21 just to be safe so that I don't get kicked out for whatever reasons.

Today is Jaime's birthday. (Yay! I spelled it right!) She turns 22 today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAIME!

I got the sweetest and yet strangest compliment from my teacher today. She said that I appear to be well schooled in what I'm doing here. She finds it hard to believe that I'm a freashman.

Does this mean I can skip a grade?

Today is my Friday as far as classes go. I'm going to be a bum for the rest of the day and then a workaholic tomorrow.

I told Ken about my dream. Like the joker that he is, he started to say how bad a person I was. He's so cute.

Ken tells me that he and Jamie are going to go out for coffee. Looks like this can mean only one thing. Yeah, you know what I mean. My new friend is going to hook up with a friend that I know. Talk about a monkey in the middle. Well, if they end up hating each other (which I strongly doubt), at least I can be a mediator.

Classes today were surprisingly easy and not as stressful as I had experiance before. Maybe I'm finally getting into the swing of things. Or maybe the teachers just don't feel like teaching. Who knows. All I know is that I have this 20 lbs. book containing stuff about the history of art I really don't want to read later tonight. Hopefully I can get the other pages done with over the weekend, but right now, I don't want to do anything but be the butthead that I am.

Stupid dream. Stupid stupid dream.

I dreamt that Ken, Christina, and Aaron (who I met yesterday) didn't want to be friends with me anymore. Their reason? It's because I'm an overachiver that is probibly scamming them or taking advantage of them.

Stupid dream...

Wow, that's odd. Apparently I didn't sign out of blogger since my last entry. Well, given what's been going on today, I can't be too surprised.

Today has been rather spontanious to say the least. Ken wore cat ears he got from Hot Topic; Jamie (AKA "Red Boots") wore a shirt with a naked cowgirl on it marked up like a butcher's map of a cow (you know, the map that tells you where the type of meat can be found like the lion or the soup bones); my creativity teacher didn't show up because she was sick making me wonder why did I even bother come to school today.

Pretty much anything that could happen to someone like me did. That may be an overstatement, but it was pretty random for the most part of the day.

At least I don't have to worry about reaching my quota for the reading I need to do for Art History.

My lack of interest in the feild of history is starting to interfer with the reading I need to do. This isn't a good sign. This is definately not a good sign.

YEAH, BABY! I finally finished all my writen stuff for all my classes I have this week. I love Labor Day. Now all I need to do is read that damn Art History book. I never did like history, but maybe this time this book that is big enough to be the size of a toddler will interest me a little...

... hopefully...