Yesterday, I was all happy and thinking everything was fine. I was going to say what I felt I needed to say to David and everything would be cool.

That night, I found out the truth. Nothing will be fine. I am in nothing short of a personal world war with only three people on my side. And we're losing. BAD! I tried to think of things last night that would make peace with everyone, but I couldn't think. Josh said it best to me last night. I was mentally strained to the point where I was drawing blanks left and right. I couldn't think of anything that would work because I was tired.

Even though he's been right on all of occations, I'm starting to think that he was wrong this time. I slept on it and woke up feeling the same way. I can't think of anything that would help. The only line of defence I have now is this blog to show them how I feel if they will even read it. Hell, they wouldn't even listen to me last night! They dismissed my words as nothing but pure bullshit. That's what I don't like about them. Every time I try to defend myself, they don't listen to me. Why would they now? I'm not important, and my little stunt that I pulled just made them feel like they aren't important to me. The thing is, if they weren't important to me, do you honestly think I would be the way I am right now? All panicing and fearing the worst? Trying to think up things that would work only to come up with stupid ideas that get shot down like skeets?

Dan kepts saying last night to look at it from their point of view. I have. I can see why they don't like me, and I can see that they are in the right for all counts against me. I see that I was wrong. So why can't they see things from my point of view? Why can't they for once look through my eyes and see what is going on and what I think? They can't. I've already been labeled a "looney toon" just for sticking around with them for six years online with nothing more than a phone call and a few meetings up to Seattle. You can't think like a crazy person unless you are crazy in some people's view. But still, can't they at least see how unfair it is to shoot down everything I say wheather I'm right or I'm wrong? I don't do that to them. I listen to everything they say. I have never dismissed their words as bullshit. I may have missed some of the point they were trying to make or not get the message, but I never took any of what they said as utter bullshit. Why can't they do the same for me?

Because I'm as crazy and daffy as a cartoon to the point where I need to be locked away in a rubber room?

In someone's eyes I am.

This is the best arguement that I can come up with all morning long. The best thing I can think of for my defence. The only thing I can come up with to try on them later tonight. And you know what? I don't think it will work. Why? Becaue even if I am right on this one, I don't feel I am. I've been shot down so many times when I tried to defend myself to the point where I now believe that even if I'm right I'm wrong. I'm always going to be wrong because I can't get my point across nor can I get someone to listen. I can try to argue the point to the point where I would lose my cool and start yelling my head off for them to listen. I came close last night. I didn't because of a "Presidential order backed by the Prime Minister." I was trying to talk like a civilized person. Trying to get my point across without biting heads if I even did have a point to get across. Trying to change minds and make peace, which I can't do. And I'll be trying to do that again tonight. The same thing, over and over, for God-knows-how-many days.

I'm fighting a war here. A war I can't afford to lose but is every time I think of a defence. Notice how I didn't say "a good defence." With me, I doubt there is even a good defence. I'm in a losing battle.

And it's all my fault.

I've never been much of a fighter. I don't even know how to defend myself against my little sister who punches me in the arm so much. That being said, how can I possibly defend myself against something like this? How can I possibly make peace now? I don't think I can. After being shot down so many times at everything I attempt to do, I don't think I can do much of anything. So what if I'm setting myself up to fail. I'm expecting it. That way, I won't be disappointed. I tried to be optimistic, but all I got out of it was hurt and disappointments. It's like what my algebra teacher said one time.

"It's better to be pessimistic than optimistic. Why? When you're optimistic, you are either right or you are disappointed. When you're pessimistic, you are either right or pleasently surprised."

As stupid as that may sound to some, it makes sense to me.

I'm going to try again tonight using the only thing I can come up with so far. If I come up with anything more than this, I'll use that too, but I doubt I will. On top of that, I doubt this will work. I won't know unless I try though.