I have a problem. I definately have a problem. And that problem is Paul.

Tonight, just when I was able to get him off my mind for once and get some sleep, I dream about him. I dreamed that we were somewhere looking over the most beautiful urban city skyline from the highest point in the city. I know the skyline; I've seen it before. It was New York. In my dream, I then turn to him and kiss him. I awoke only to find out that I was kissing my damn pillow.

I tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't. All I was able to think about was Paul. All I could think about was how to get Paul. I want to impress him. I want to have him fall in love with me as I have fallen in love with him. I don't know how to do it. And the more I try to push that problem out of my head, the more it keeps me awake.

I want Paul. I need Paul.

But I know I have to take things slowly now. After what I did, I'm surprised I can still talk to him. I asked him before I went to bed if I could invite him to hang out with me later on. He said we'll see. The reason I asked that is because I know for a fact that I have an invitation from someone that will remain unnamed to bring myself and up to 5 other people I know to (get this) New York. At first, I didn't have much of anyone on that list. Paul is now the first on top of a very short list. But that event is still very far off. I need to keep in contact with Paul. I need to have Paul like me even just a little bit. I need to stop scaring him off or at least make myself feel like I'm not scaring him off if I can't scare him at all.

I've got a real problem. I'm in love with a person I cannot have but want so very much.