I talked to Dan last night. I told him about Paul. Well, I told him as much about him while plugging my blog like a damn salesman. I then went off on a tangent. Normally, this would be a bad thing, but with Dan, as long as I don't get rediculous, it's good. I told Dan about how he looks, how he talks, even how I felt around him. I told him that I can still feel that moment when Paul's hand touched mine, how I can still smell just a hint of him, how I can see his face when I close my eyes, and how I can hear his voice when it's really quiet.

Dan said that I'm in love.

I reviewed what I said, and it's obvious. I have fallen for Paul. And hard too. Dan asked why I fell in love. He always thought that I fell in love with Andrew soully because of looks. I assured him for the millionth time that I fell in love with Andrew those many years ago because of how cool a person he is and not because of looks. I'm like that. I'm not that superficial. I don't fall in love this hard for shallow reasons. Still, one thing did bug me. Why did I fall in love with Paul? Yes, he's cute, no doubt there, but was it about him that I just fell head over heels for? I think it is because whenever I was around him, I felt nice and comfortable. I felt like I could talk to him. Granted I didn't spill any of the details I don't spill here. I learned my lesson with that. I just felt very... warm... and fuzzy being around him. Everything he told me to cheer me up with did, and I had fun with even things as torturous as walking uphill in a hiking trail.

That's when I got scared.

I got scared that I was going to get hurt again. That I was going to do something stupid to lose this. I think I may have. I didn't want to hurt again. I told Dan this. I also told him that if this tanks, it's going to hurt me more, because I actually MET the person I fell in love with. I didn't tell him this last night, but if that does happen, I don't think I'll ever recover from it. I totally shrank into a little boy last night.

The first thing I thought about this morning when I woke up was this.

I wonder if Micheal brought Paul to the store to show him where Jess works.

I am in love. The signs are there. Thinking about him, still feeling his hand even now while I type. The fear. Oh, the fear of doing something stupid to piss him off causing me to get hurt to no ends and back.

It's funny, though. For the last month or so since James found Matt, I swore off ever falling in love with anyone ever again unless I became something better than I am now. Then Paul came along and this happens. If this is a sign from God telling me that I'm stupid to swear off falling in love, then I've seen the light. Still, I'm scared of getting hurt.

Dan said to take things slow. He knows how desprate I am to find someone to be with and how much I hate being alone. Since Paul and I were able to exchange e-mails and URLs, Dan said that's a good start. In fact, if you ask me, I'm actually off to a better start than I am when I'm trying to make regular friends. Dan said to try to keep in contact with him as best I can and to aslo just take a step back. In other words, don't go into stalker mode. I've been known to do that during very insane moments.

I love Dan. I don't know what I would do without him. Actually, I do, and I know it wouldn't be pretty. That's why I'm glad that I have someone like him in my life... even if I don't deserve him.