I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this torture. I'm sick of being so dumbfounded by what I have found that I can't even figure out a decent move to take to get what I want. I'm sick of thinking that a freash and new and better idea will come to me after I sleep on it. I'm sick of always looking at Paul's pictures like he is nothing more than a memory than his actual face. I'm sick of this feeling that eats away at me... this growing want and hunger that I can't supress. I hate the fact that I'm not smart enough to be able to take the initiative let alone to know how to. I'm just sick of hurting my brain so much to the point where I can't think about anything or anyone else.

God, why did I have to meet Paul? Why did I have to fall in love? Why him? Why is it I always fall in love with people I can't ever have? Is someone trying to hurt me? Is that someone me? Why can't I be a normal gay boy like him? Why did I have to be me? Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I be like you? Is there something I'm missing? Is there something I just don't get? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Am I doing everything wrong? What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to do it?

God, what is happening to me?