I can't believe I did it. I just can't believe how stupid I am to have done it.

I told Paul that I love him. He said that he doesn't think so. That I can't possibly fall in love with somone I just met once. He also said that he doesn't belive in "Love at first sight" because that's basing everything on looks. I did get to know him, but he said that there are lots of things about him that I don't know yet.

Then I told him what I told Dan.

I told him that I couldn't stop thinking about him. Paul has been on my mind since we dropped him off and then some! I told him that I can still feel him and smell him and hear him and that it hurts. I told him that there was something about him that I fell in love with because while I was with him the world just felt... perfect.

I took a step back and realized what it was that I did. I had to apologize. I shouldn't have said what I said to him today, just now. I really shouldn't have. I feel like an idiot for doing so. A God damn idiot. I don't think it will work now. Not after what I did like the fool I am.

Why do I do this? Why do I always take stupid chances thinking that something cool will come out of it? Why can't I foresee how stupid everything will turn out or how messed up things will be? Why can't I do that? Why can't I?

I'll never be able to do anything right. At least anything I set my sights on. Like Paul. I like him alot. I'm in love with him. But I know now I can't have him. I've known that, but yet I still foolishly attempt to do something to get him because I want him because I need him!

Why do I do these things?