I think I know what Paul meant now when he said he just knew I wasn't really in love with him.

I read something in his LiveJournal about either his current or one of his old boyfriends. I read about how he isn't afraid to hold Paul's hand as he walks down the street and kisses him and holds him and everything in between.

That sent me thinking.

I should have cuddled up to him when I had the chance to while we were watching TV like I wanted to.

I should have hugged him when we dropped him off like I wanted to.

I should have kissed him when he was laying there in bed blocking the lights from his eyes with the pillow to surprise him like I wanted to.

I should have snuck back into that room they were staying in and spent what part of the night I could with him like I wanted to.

I should have held his hand when we were walking on that hiking trail like I wanted to.

Sure, they would be surprised, but so what? My sister kisses Micheal in front of me all the time. I see them holding hands while walking all the time, and it makes me so jelous that I can't do the same thing. When I finally get the chance to, I choke. In my mind, I keep saying to myself that I love Paul. I feel in my heart that I love Paul. But my actions... for whatever reason... they don't show the same feeling.

Maybe that's why sometimes I come off differently than how I really intend to.

Why am I so afraid? What am I so afraid about? Why am I always so worried about how I appear to other people? Why do I care so much? Why can't I just do what I want to do and not care about what other people think of me? Why am I so insecure?