I woke up this morning feeling weaker than a newborn baby and just as stupid. I didn't want to move from the comforts of my bed, but my bladder told me otherwise. Microwaved Kettle Corn and leftover pizza was my breakfast. I sat at the computer doing my usual routine. Mail. Message boards. Neopets. All the while I was thinking. Thinking about me. Wondering why I am the way I am. Wondering why I keep killing myself the way I am. Wondering if I can stop it. Wondering if anyone will save me from this metaphoric razor blade in my hand that is slicing my wrist every time I think I did something right only to find out I did it wrong. Wondering if anyone really cares. Wondering if anyone will listen. Wondering if they can't hear my screams of pain that have gone silent over time but yet are still echoing the same ear-shattering song. Wondering why. Always wondering why.

I like this blog. I don't give it much credit, but I like it. I like the fact that here I can say whatever I want no matter how bold or stupid or unimportant it may be. I like the fact that I can say things here that I can't say in person. I like the fact that I can speack my mind with nothing holding me back here. After all, when you speack your mind, no one can call you a liar. When you speack your mind, you speack truth. The truth as you see it, your true feelings, your true views. When I say that I don't know on here, I really don't know. When I say that I don't think this will happen, I really don't think it will happen. When I say that I'm in love, I really am in love. When I say that I think I am pathetic, I really am pathetic. There is nothing but truth here.

Right now, his words echo through my head. He's telling me that I need to get serious. I feel like I am serious right now. Can I do it is another thing entirely. I don't think I can. I'll try the best way I can think of, but what good would it do? I've never been good at convincing anyone. I've never been good at being ballsy and taking the bull by the horns. I've never been good at much of anything. How then can I possibly do this? How can I make this work? How can I do this without screwing it up and trying to back peddle? I don't see how I can. I don't think what I'm about to do will suceed in any way, shape, or form. I'll try, yes, but I'm expecting failure. I have to expect failure. Who wouldn't expect things to fail if in the same position that I am in? The only really sucess I ever had was in the classroom. This isn't school. This is life. So far, I've been failing.

I'm going back to sleep. I don't want to wake up, but I know I'll have to eventually. I just hope when I do I'm not in my room anymore.