I had a good day today. Unfortunately, it ended bad... as usual.

I had the sudden urge to go shopping. I don't know what for, but I just wanted to get rid of my money on things that I probibly won't use. Mom felt like shopping too, so we went off to Hickory Hollow Mall. We parted ways and did what we wanted to. Meet back in an hour at the food court next to that area with all those hyper, screaming, disobediant children. I hit up the usual places and did what I normally do in malls. I looked at video games I'll never afford, movies I'll never get, fashion that look good on the model but don't on me.

I then went to my favorite kiosk in the mall. A little place called The Bazaar. It's kind of like an Asian specialty store that carries mostly knives and swords. Some for defence, some for decoration. All cheap... well, for the most part. There are a few things that are very high quality, but you have to shell out some mega bucks for them. Hey, you get what you pay for, I guess.

Anyway, this cute looking guy was working the kiosk. He had blond hair, gotee, and obviously a punk of sorts. What is the deal with me and the punk boys? I don't know. Anyway, I was looking at a wooden practice sword (katana style) when out of the corner of my eye I saw him messing around with a butterfly knife. I asked him how long it took him to get that good with flicking it around like a pro. He said he's been training since he was 12. He meantioned that his instructor was Filipino, as if he was alluding to something. I just stared at him and nodded a "cool." I continued browsing the swords when I noticed once again that he was messing with two butterfly knives. I said, "Okay, now you're just showing off," jokingly. He smiled back goofily and said, "Nope, I'm just practicing."

When my aunt was here (the nun) recently, I showed her a pendent that we found after they left from their trip up here when I was graduating. It was of baby Jesus on what felt like some kind of treated wood. She said that it wasn't hers. I asked if it was anyone else's that was here last. She said she doesn't think so. We don't know who it belongs to, but now it's mine. My aunt thinks it's a sign. Whatever it is, we've been taking care of it since graduation untill she came back thinking it was hers. Gift from God maybe?

I had that in my pocket and I've been doing every time I go out now. I don't know why; maybe it's starting to be my religion. I asked the guy at the kiosk if he had anything I could put it on. He suggested some hemp rope. I've had the pleasure (or curse) of using that once before with semi-decent results. I figured why the hell not?? I needed a project. He offered to show me two different braids that he knows. I politely declined saying that it was going to be my new art project for a while.

I then took my change and went to Tilt. I played pinball first. Hey, I only had $1.25 change. That's only enough for one DDR game. Since the South Park Pinball game is only 50 cents, I figure why not? I actually did pretty good. I got my first "Kill Kenny" bonus on my first ball. My game ended with a really bad multiball session. After that, I droped the rest of my change into DDR.

I met up with mom at the food court. She wanted to walk around some more and shop. I figured why not? Thirty minutes more and we'll then meet at Sears to leave.

I went back to The Bazaar. The guy was still working there. I told him that I am seriously considering it, but I'm not sure. He had other customers to attend to, so I just looked around again at things I've seen already. After getting hit on by girls too young for his taste, he said that he wishes someone from downstairs would come up and take his shift so he could go to the bathroom. He just looked at me and said "Dude, can you just stand there and watch all this for me?" I laughed at his request, but agreed to. While he was off doing whatever, I actually did pretty good keeping an eye on the three carts. The only thing I had to do was tell all these kids not to touch or point at the swords because they could hurt themselves. They didn't listen. The phone rang a few times, but since I didn't work there, I didn't pick it up. When the guy came back, I told him he had a call. He said it was probibly someone wondering where his boss was. I was starting to wonder that myself. I looked at my watch and saw that I had 10 minutes left. I decided to just go ahead and by the damn wooden practice sword. As a result for "being so cool and watching the carts," he gave me a discount! That's the first time I got something for being charitable outside of a feeling of accomplishment and that I did some good. It felt nice.

I went by Hot Topic and looked at their sticker case. I needed a sticker to pacth up a nasty scar on my sketchbook. I end up buying four. One of which was a gay pride sticker. I don't know what kind of lapse in judgement that was. Maybe I was just in a good mood. I ended up spended 34 cents more than I had. I told the girl that I had to break out my rare $2 bill. She didn't want to break it, so she dug around the tip jar. Lo-and-behold, my luck from before carried over! They had exactly 34 cents in the tip jar! Sweet, huh?

As I walked back to Sears, I felt like I got some stares from people around me. I mean, I was carrying a wooden sword with me! Come on! You're bound to get stared at if you were like me and carrying a wooden sword! I also felt a smile draw on my face. A good feeling came over me, and I finally felt kind of happy. Not the true kind of happiness that I've been wanting for the longest time that I can remember, but still a good feeling.

We ate out at our favortie Mexican place and started exchanging stuff about what we thought was going on with my sister's date. When everyone met back up at home, we found out that some of our jokes came true! My sister's boyfriend had two $10 gift cards for dinner at O'Charlie's. They ended up getting change off of them!! Can you believe it?! My sister had to tip the server, though. Her boyfriend doesn't carry money. Talk about cheap, huh? Oh well, he's a good guy.

Dan called the house and left a message for my dad. While my sister was telling us about her date, dad was talking to Dan. I thought that maybe Jack or someone talked to Dan about me and got him to call. Conversely, I also thought that Dan was so pissed off at me that he was going to take it out on my dad. I mean, as far as I know, Dan is so pissed off at me he wouldn't shit on me because I'm not worth his crap on my head! I was trying to keep my mind off it by putting my stickers on my sketchbook and listening to my sister's story. Didn't work. I kept thinking What if this good day ends bad like all the other good days I have? Then as I was trying to get the stickers off the backing so that it would stick I was thinking WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THOSE BREAKS IN THE BACK THAT MADE TAKING THESE OFF EASIER?! While I was blogging this, dad came down and delivered a message to me. He said that Dan would like it if I talked to the boys online. "He said you'll know what that means." After that, dad pretty much gave what sounded like social warnings mom would give. Be nice, be careful what you say, don't talk to them too long, etc. The last part kind of faded into a blur. I was just wondering what it was that Dan told him those two hours he was talking. I still do. I know I'm better off not knowing. In any event, I somehow got to keep in contact with the boys if only online. I felt greatful, confused, and a little bit happier than before all at the same time. I also felt colder in my heart. It was a weird feeling. Almost as if my heart was saying that it doesn't want to end up getting burned again.

Halfway through my paragraph about my second trip to The Bazaar, one of the boys popped. I talked to them and thanked them thinking that they had something to do with Dan calling. Turns out that Dan called of his free will. No one talked him into doing it. I was stupid to think that Jack or anyone else there had some kind of involvment in that. My only excuse is that I am a foolish dreamer. Always will be. That didn't fly. I came off as being disrepectful. I made them feel like it was a stupid idea for them to even try to reestablish contact with me. The IM was short and to the point after that. In fact, they signed off just before I finished the last paragraph above.

When they left, I felt like I did before. No different than I normally do. I still had that hole in my cold heart that needed to be filled once my heart was melted. I still felt thirsty. I still felt dizzy and light headed. I still thought about that cute guy at the kiosk I met. I still thought about my art project that I'll be starting tomorrow. I still felt like what one of my stickers said; "If at first you don't suceed - failure may be your thing."

I still felt like I had a good day.

This is why I don't registar to vote.

When you take naps like I did to try and make yourself feel better, you develop insomniatic behaviors.

While watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network, I heard Paul's voice in my head. He said that I shouldn't worry about not finding the right boy for me. All I need to do is get established in a college and the rest is easy. Find somone I like and then take the initiative. That alone helped me reconsider Watkins. Hey, after all, most modern artists these day are gay.

The thing is, I know I'm going to make myself into a complete and utter goofball if and when I find someone I like. I know I should take things slow, but I'm sick of being so alone and not feeling any real love or attention. But I also know that I don't deserve any from anyone too.

Which means I'm back to square one with myself yet again.

I tried reading throught the stuff that Watkins mailed me oh-so-long ago. I felt like I was reading a rule book for a prison. I couldn't read anymore of it once I hit the finacial section.

No motivation to go to school. No motivation to do anything anymore. I need motivation. I need inspiration. I need something to get me motivated. I need someone to movtivated me that is affective.

Woke up this morning knowing I had to get up, knowing that I have nothing now. Knowing that I lost it all. This time for real. This time for good.

No one was reading this blog. No one will. I should delete it. But that would be like taking a part of me away. I can't do that. I wanted to change the look of the blog, select a new template. I can't change who I am, so why should I change the blog? What's the point of anything anymore.

I used and abused, and I lost. I took advantage of people just so I can try and get what I wanted so badly. I am a horrible person.

Yet I still go on living when I know I should be dead. Why?

It ends tonight. Right now. It all ends. My dreams have stopped. My hopes are no more. I can't fix it. I can't do anything. I'm going to become nothing. If anything, I'll be another number. I'll be one more added to the statistics book. I'll be lucky if I live to be thirty. Hell, I'll be lucky if I can live to be twenty-five.

I have nothing.

I am nothing.

I will forever be nothing.

I've shot myself in the head this time instead of the foot.

I'm dead socially, mentally, emotionally. My heart grows colder as the minutes pass. I fear love. I fear falling in love. I fear that if I do, I'll only get hurt in the end. I fear getting close to people now. I fear them. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to hurt them. I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve to be friends with anyone. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve to fall in love. I don't deserve to have a boyfriend.

I don't deserve to live. I don't know why I'm still alive.

I watched my first episode of that Bravo show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

I don't know what it is about makeover shows that attract me to them. Maybe it's the whole symbolic thing about starting anew with a new look and stuff. A rebirth found in a new style and new clothing. Turning the other leaf, if you will, through a new hair cut.

I tried to do that once. Failed. Too bad I'm not straight or else I'd called these guys up fast to help me get out from under this rock. Then again, that would be stupid. I need a shrink to get me out from under this rock before I need a makeover.

Sleep came and went, yet I still woke in my room. Each time I woke with a cold sweat and a sore sholder. I thought about people, past and present, that I have had the honor of meeting. Some I wish I had to get to know more, some I wish I could forget, some I fell in love with, some I hated. No dreams. Not a single one. No new idea coming into my head as to how to deal with my current problems. Not even a plan of action for my future. A mixture of feelings, both good an bad, surrounded me the entire time like ghostly spirits wanting to take my soul. I felt peace and chaos at the same time. I felt nothing and everything at the same time. It was like being in the center of the Earth. Every way is up and every way is down. No sense of direction. No sense of purpose. No sense of meaning. A strange place. A very strange place.

I woke up this morning feeling weaker than a newborn baby and just as stupid. I didn't want to move from the comforts of my bed, but my bladder told me otherwise. Microwaved Kettle Corn and leftover pizza was my breakfast. I sat at the computer doing my usual routine. Mail. Message boards. Neopets. All the while I was thinking. Thinking about me. Wondering why I am the way I am. Wondering why I keep killing myself the way I am. Wondering if I can stop it. Wondering if anyone will save me from this metaphoric razor blade in my hand that is slicing my wrist every time I think I did something right only to find out I did it wrong. Wondering if anyone really cares. Wondering if anyone will listen. Wondering if they can't hear my screams of pain that have gone silent over time but yet are still echoing the same ear-shattering song. Wondering why. Always wondering why.

I like this blog. I don't give it much credit, but I like it. I like the fact that here I can say whatever I want no matter how bold or stupid or unimportant it may be. I like the fact that I can say things here that I can't say in person. I like the fact that I can speack my mind with nothing holding me back here. After all, when you speack your mind, no one can call you a liar. When you speack your mind, you speack truth. The truth as you see it, your true feelings, your true views. When I say that I don't know on here, I really don't know. When I say that I don't think this will happen, I really don't think it will happen. When I say that I'm in love, I really am in love. When I say that I think I am pathetic, I really am pathetic. There is nothing but truth here.

Right now, his words echo through my head. He's telling me that I need to get serious. I feel like I am serious right now. Can I do it is another thing entirely. I don't think I can. I'll try the best way I can think of, but what good would it do? I've never been good at convincing anyone. I've never been good at being ballsy and taking the bull by the horns. I've never been good at much of anything. How then can I possibly do this? How can I make this work? How can I do this without screwing it up and trying to back peddle? I don't see how I can. I don't think what I'm about to do will suceed in any way, shape, or form. I'll try, yes, but I'm expecting failure. I have to expect failure. Who wouldn't expect things to fail if in the same position that I am in? The only really sucess I ever had was in the classroom. This isn't school. This is life. So far, I've been failing.

I'm going back to sleep. I don't want to wake up, but I know I'll have to eventually. I just hope when I do I'm not in my room anymore.

Boredom took its nasty hold on my day, and with the strange Leo dream freash in my head, I decided to pop in a movie of his. I decided to go and watch some of the shit I haven't watch in a long time or only once. What's eating Gilbert Grape? fit the bill. In my opinion, that's one of Leonardo's best if not THE best acting done in a film I have seen so far.... granted I have yet to see any of his recent stuff after Titanic or for that matter Marvin's Room or the gay film Total Eclipse, but still. Hey, it takes alot of talent to act retarded when you're not and do it convincingly. Just look at Tom Hanks in Forest Gump.

About halfway through the movie, my sister delivered a t-shirt to me. It was a large grey looking thing with the words "And your point is..." on it. I'm not one for buying clothes because of the fact that my sense of fashion is shot all to hell. She then said that they were going to the mall. I figure, what the hell? I need some air. The movie was starting to depress me what with how it is suppose to show how his life is suppose to be so hard and sad. I needed to get happy even if only for a little while. I went to Tilt and dropped off my 75 cents I made in profit from Kentucky Kingdom and played one game of DDR. The person right after me turned on Oni mode (which is like an endurance test for all DDR players) and totally made me look like a chump. Then him and his friend got on it and do what those to do best. I had three bucks in change in my pocket when I spoted my family signalling that it was time to go home and for me to get back to my movie. It made me wonder why I even bother changing my money since I didn't bother using it.

I watched the rest of the movie and marveled at Leo's preformance. I watched Johnny Depp act in his own, brillent way and wondered how he went from looking so hunky to the way he looks now in Pirates. Maybe it's an actor thing that I'll never understand.

The movie, overall, was pretty much one of those "slice of life" movies. The kind that don't really establish a begining or an end. They just pick up and then drop you off when they feel like they told what they were suppose to. I admire the character Gilbert Grape. All he wants to do is do the right thing. He has a heart of gold. All he wants to do is help others. You can tell he hurts too, and that the suicide of his father has tramatized him to almost no end. A trama that only love from a total stranger could fix. In a strange way, I stupidly connected to the character.

Listen to me. I sound like a damn movie critic. I'm nothing but a blogger blogging a blog about the day I had thinking that it would interest someone.

Like it would...

I had the strangest dream.

I saw it as if I was watching a movie. For some bizarre reason I say Dan arguing with Leonardo DiCaprio over something. Don't know why, but reality tells me that this would never happen for a number of reasons. Chief among them being Dan doesn't know Leonardo DiCaprio. Anyway, in a fit of anger, Leo ends up packing some stuff and books a commercial flight to my area. In my dream, I'm stuck in Nashville still. He gets off the plane and the usual thing happens that always happens for a movie star. You know, the whole being recognized and signing autographs. The media comes by and asks what he is doing here. He just says that it's a personal matter. The next scene is of him looking for me at Watkins. The lady at the desk recognizes him, gets his autograph, and then helps him to the painting room in the Fine Arts wing. He goes in and everyone recognizes him and asks for autographs as well. The teacher welcomes him into her classroom like a diplomate would welcome the President to their country. He then states his business. He's looking for me. The teacher says that class has been over for some time now and I have pretty much disappeared from the room. All that's left are a bunch of paintings that I did and one I was working on. He goes over to the work station and looks at them. The paintings all are of anime-like faces of different color and sex. All with the same sad and dreamy expression. The teacher tells Leo that she has been trying to get me to change my style for months now, but I refuse to. Leo notices how sad all the people are and feels the pain from which the paintings came from. Seeing as he did not find what he was looking for, he leaves the painting room and walks towards the exit. He is distracted when he sees someone putting up labels in the gallery. He enters in, but the person doesn't recognize him. All he does is continues putting labels up under pictures and art peices. Leo then finds an artwork that should be seen to belived. A painted picture of a person laying on a bed, obviously dreaming, on a shattered mirror. A powerful and yet depressing piece of art. The Dean then introduces himself to Leo and gets his autograph as well. Leo asks about the art work. It turns out to be one of mine. The Dean says that he was there when I dropped a bowling ball over the person-in-the-painting's head. Leo looks at the label and sees the title Shattered Dreams. As if he was channeling me, he realises what this artwork was really saying. The Dean just stares at it and says something about how they are going to buy it for $500 and how he thinks there is another Van Gough in the world, another tortured artist that is able to produce things of both beauty and of pain. Leo ends up buying the artwork for $500,000, of which half goes to the school. The other half is meant for me. He cuts him a check right there, and the Dean says that it's all his. He takes this oppurtunity to ask where I am, to comment about my artwork. The Dean just says that he doesn't know where I am, because the last time he saw me was in the morning. Fast cut edit to Leo's hotel room. He's on the phone with Jack. Again, reality tells me this is impossible. He tells Jack that he can't find me. Everyone keeps telling him that I've disappeared or that he just missed me. He tells Jack that he even checked my home only to find out that I don't come in until some insane hour of night every night to the point where my parents don't care if I come in anymore or not. Jack then asks him if he's read my blog. Leo says no and asks why. Jack just tells him to read it. He then boots up my blog and finds out that he did find me. I was the guy putting up labels in the gallery. I left the gallery just before the dean came in through his little "secret passageway" from his office. He learns that I recognized him, but didn't say anything, mostly out of fear that I would do something stupid. He also learns that I eventually find out that he bought my art peice. In that same blog, he also finds out that the only reason I do what I do is because I have no choice. He finds out that I lost all hope and energy and everything that makes me who I am now. And then.... he cries....

In my dream I am practically the artist of the decade and yet I am no better off then as I am right now typing this. My greatest hope and greatest fear all in one.

I hope it was just a dream and nothing more.

Despite my better judgement, I told dad that I told mom while he was mad at the dryer for not drying. The dryer died, so a new one has to be bought. For my family, that's like putting out a down payment on a new Caddy... kind of.

He said to try to get Dan to call when I can. I asked if why he couldn't call like he said he would. He said it wouldn't be untill Wednesday or Thursday before that would happen. Then he went into the crapper.

Talking to my mom is never easy. Especially when it involves matters that I've brought up the other day with my dad. I always end up falling into a compromise with her. I'm such a momma's boy.

Anyway, the good news is that she understands and is willing to let me go. There are just a few things. I can't take my boxes. She wants to ship them when I'm on my feet. I intend to, however, come back for them myself once I'm on my feet... and maybe with my boyfriend if I have one by then. Sort of a "meet the parents" kind of thing. She also said that they (meaning dad and not herself) won't call Dan up. I think they are still miffed slightly about Dan not calling back and asking for them every time I'm on the phone with him. I don't know what I can do about that because every time he's talked to me, with the exception of a few times, it has been late in the evening when they are asleep. I could be sly and take advantage of their groggy state, but that would be evil. I'll run this by Dan.

Other than that, it looks like I have the green light.

Thanks for not telling me untill now, dad, that I have to talk to my mom too about this even though you ran it by her. What next? I have to have Dan call you instead of you calling him?

The things I have to put up with just to try and get what I want. No wonder I always think I'll never get anything these days.

I just went through the most nerve wrecking event I could ever bring upon myself. No roller coaster, no horror movie, no anything can compare to this.

I actually sat down with my dad and told him my intentions. I told him what I want. I told him how I feel about being here. I told him how much I hate it here, how I knew something was wrong with me, how I'm not getting whatever it is that I got in Seattle here. I told him I wanted out. I told him that the only reason I applied to Watkins was to get them off my case. If I actually went, I wouldn't be happy. I know I wouldn't be happy, no matter how much I faked it. I told him that up in Seattle I was actually motivated to do things. Down here every time I step out that door and the reality hits as to where I am, I feel the motivation drop. I told him I want to go back to Seattle because there is something there I'm not getting here that is making me do things I never have done here.

It was obvious to anyone that he was disappointed. Shocked to say the least. Mad? Maybe.

One things for sure. It's not over yet. He's going to run this by my mom now.

I love Jack. I love him very much. He is probibly one of only three people in the world that can bitch me out and yet still make sense to me. Open up my eyes, if you will.

In a moment of weakness, I e-mailed him about my problem. About 3/4 of the way through of typing the e-mail, he signed on. I told him I was writing something for him to read that was important. Being the joker that he is, he thought it was my last will and testoment. After reading the e-mail, he had this to say.

I'm a nutcase. I've cut myself off from the world and don't get out as I should. I happen to come across a boy, a gay boy, that I like and I make a complete whore of myself doing what I did and thinking the way I have been thinking that it is some kind of sign. He's obviously not interested. He has a boyfriend. I can't make him fall in love nor can I make him interested in me. I only met him one time. I don't even know him. I made all the wrong moves, all the wrong turns, did all the don'ts. Once again, I messed up, and the only thing I have to show for it is a messed up mind and two days of going insane.

Jack I need to take things easy. He also said that sooner or later I'm going to have to get my fat as into the world too. Once I do that, everything I want will be easy. I'll be able to do things I never was able to do. The real trick is getting me out there.

I really need to get over Paul and just move on. There's nothing I can do about it. He has his life, and I have...

We have a pair of new parakeets. At least, I think they are parakeets. They could be a different kind of bird for all I know. I don't know, it's been a long time since we had a bird. That last one we had was a Macaw. Strangely enough we outlived it instead of the other way around.

I didn't think that they were cute. In fact, I may have to look again to see if they are. The damn birds reminded me of an entry in Paul's LiveJournal. As such, I started thinking about, you guess right, Paul.

I have problems.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this torture. I'm sick of being so dumbfounded by what I have found that I can't even figure out a decent move to take to get what I want. I'm sick of thinking that a freash and new and better idea will come to me after I sleep on it. I'm sick of always looking at Paul's pictures like he is nothing more than a memory than his actual face. I'm sick of this feeling that eats away at me... this growing want and hunger that I can't supress. I hate the fact that I'm not smart enough to be able to take the initiative let alone to know how to. I'm just sick of hurting my brain so much to the point where I can't think about anything or anyone else.

God, why did I have to meet Paul? Why did I have to fall in love? Why him? Why is it I always fall in love with people I can't ever have? Is someone trying to hurt me? Is that someone me? Why can't I be a normal gay boy like him? Why did I have to be me? Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I be like you? Is there something I'm missing? Is there something I just don't get? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Am I doing everything wrong? What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to do it?

God, what is happening to me?

LoveMatch: Aries and Scorpio
When Aries and Scorpio come together, it can be the kind of relationship where the two partners wonder how they ever managed apart. Both partners in this relationship love power, and if they learn to work together instead of against each other, they can achieve anything they want. Scorpio is more focused and more determined than Aries, while Aries gets things started the way both partners want. Even though Aries can be fiercely loyal, Scorpio has a deeper and more complex devotion to the partnership.

This can be a very goal-oriented relationship. It tends to be highly passionate and often argumentative, because both partners have jealous tendencies. Scorpio tends to be more patient, but is also more possessive than Aries. Despite their differences, both partners love risk and taking chances; this is not a boring relationship! Aries and Scorpio can have lots of adventures together. At times, they can have difficulty understanding each other, because Aries is an extrovert, up front and open, while Scorpio is more introverted with their feelings. Both partners need to meet on neutral ground once in a while and work out a truce!

Aries and Scorpio are both ruled by the Planet Mars, and Scorpio is also ruled by Pluto. When two people with Mars' energy come together, it's like two players meeting on a battlefield: they're either allies or deadly enemies. Mars also represents passion, so Aries and Scorpio tend to have an exciting time together. Both meet challenge head-on, so it's normal for them to argue all the time -- making up is something to look forward to! Pluto adds an extra intensity to this dynamic.

Aries is a Fire Sign and Scorpio is a Water Sign. These two elements can be a great combination if they work together, using emotion and physical action to get things done. Scorpio is a strategist, and can help Aries slow down and learn how to plan battles before jumping into them. Aries teaches Scorpio to let go and move on when their efforts are thwarted. Scorpio can be emotionally manipulative, however, as too much Water will dampen Aries' enthusiasm. Conversely, too much Fire can burn the Water away and drive Scorpio to seek revenge. Aries and Scorpio must plan and work together instead of separately to maintain their balance.

Aries is a Cardinal Sign and Scorpio is a Fixed Sign. Aries gives Scorpio the initiative to do things just for the experience, rather than always having an agenda in mind. Scorpio can help Aries stabilize and finish things rather than jumping into new projects without completing the old ones. They are both loyal and devoted to each other, and when they can understand that they can both be the boss -- Aries as the initiator and Scorpio as the emotional leader -- they can accomplish a great deal together.

The best aspect of the Aries-Scorpio relationship is the power of their combined forces. They can accomplish a lot, particularly when they believe in the same cause. They are both winners and they won't give up, making theirs a relationship that never settles for second best.

Okay, so I'm a dork for this kind of thing. So sue me. Still, it does give me something positive to look at instead of always fretting about what I can do to get Paul like I want to. At least... I hope it does.... I hope...

Two hours after my last post, and I finally got some rest. I was and still am thinking about Paul. Daydreams and scenarios that have a snowball's chance in Hell, mostly. Things like how I am going to try to impress him. Most likely in all the wrong ways. I want to spoil him like no one has ever before, but I also know I have to wait before I can do that. As patient as I am, I'm afraid that if I wait too long, I'll lose this. I know it is that fear that makes me want to try to keep in contact with him and just try to do something with what I can. I can't do what I want to do for him right now. I don't have the resources. Worst still, I don't know how to impress him now without looking like a complete idiot.

A stupid thought came across my head. Something I may end up doing out of sheer weakness. I was thinking about talking to my sister about this. Hey, she's a girl and she has a boyfriend. She's got to be doing something right. Besides, it would be probibly one of the easiest ways to come out to her, which I have yet to do. Knowing her, she knows already but isn't saying anything.

Why do I feel like these past four days belongs on a soap opera?

I might as well meantion this since Paul is on my mind.

If you are interested in some of Paul's poetry, there is a new one up on his LiveJournal. I read it last night, and it spoke to me with great meaning. It is some beautiful writing... and I'm not just saying that because I'm so in love with him. It really is a peice of literal art if there ever was one.

I have a problem. I definately have a problem. And that problem is Paul.

Tonight, just when I was able to get him off my mind for once and get some sleep, I dream about him. I dreamed that we were somewhere looking over the most beautiful urban city skyline from the highest point in the city. I know the skyline; I've seen it before. It was New York. In my dream, I then turn to him and kiss him. I awoke only to find out that I was kissing my damn pillow.

I tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't. All I was able to think about was Paul. All I could think about was how to get Paul. I want to impress him. I want to have him fall in love with me as I have fallen in love with him. I don't know how to do it. And the more I try to push that problem out of my head, the more it keeps me awake.

I want Paul. I need Paul.

But I know I have to take things slowly now. After what I did, I'm surprised I can still talk to him. I asked him before I went to bed if I could invite him to hang out with me later on. He said we'll see. The reason I asked that is because I know for a fact that I have an invitation from someone that will remain unnamed to bring myself and up to 5 other people I know to (get this) New York. At first, I didn't have much of anyone on that list. Paul is now the first on top of a very short list. But that event is still very far off. I need to keep in contact with Paul. I need to have Paul like me even just a little bit. I need to stop scaring him off or at least make myself feel like I'm not scaring him off if I can't scare him at all.

I've got a real problem. I'm in love with a person I cannot have but want so very much.

That was interesting.

I asked Paul, point blank, if he knew that I wasn't in love, then what am I? Why do I have feelings for him like I do.

He said that he honestly doesn't know why himself.

I wonder if anyone knows.

I think I know what Paul meant now when he said he just knew I wasn't really in love with him.

I read something in his LiveJournal about either his current or one of his old boyfriends. I read about how he isn't afraid to hold Paul's hand as he walks down the street and kisses him and holds him and everything in between.

That sent me thinking.

I should have cuddled up to him when I had the chance to while we were watching TV like I wanted to.

I should have hugged him when we dropped him off like I wanted to.

I should have kissed him when he was laying there in bed blocking the lights from his eyes with the pillow to surprise him like I wanted to.

I should have snuck back into that room they were staying in and spent what part of the night I could with him like I wanted to.

I should have held his hand when we were walking on that hiking trail like I wanted to.

Sure, they would be surprised, but so what? My sister kisses Micheal in front of me all the time. I see them holding hands while walking all the time, and it makes me so jelous that I can't do the same thing. When I finally get the chance to, I choke. In my mind, I keep saying to myself that I love Paul. I feel in my heart that I love Paul. But my actions... for whatever reason... they don't show the same feeling.

Maybe that's why sometimes I come off differently than how I really intend to.

Why am I so afraid? What am I so afraid about? Why am I always so worried about how I appear to other people? Why do I care so much? Why can't I just do what I want to do and not care about what other people think of me? Why am I so insecure?

Once again, I was worried about nothing. Paul assured me that even after what I said to him, we are still cool with each other and can still be friends. I asked him about what he thought about what I told him. He still said that he thinks that I am not in love. I asked him how he knows. All he said was that he just knew.

That poses another question and another problem. If I'm not in love with him, why am I feeling the way I am?

It's been about three hours since I did what I did. While I may appear to be over the shock of my stupidity, there is still that bitter aftertaste that lingers. All the reason why I don't do mouthwash.

I was right about Jessica seeing Micheal again today. I got a hint of it today while I was freezing grapes to distract myself from Paul. Didn't help.

I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do, what to say, what corse of action I should take with this. I have this bizzare feeling I screwed up. A part of me is saying that I really haven't. The only thing I did was look like a complete idiot that wants nothing but the first person I feel comfortable with. I don't know if I screwed this up or not. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

If I did, then I've fallen from grace faster than I thought. If I did, then I may not recover again.

I don't know, maybe I'm being a worry wart. Maybe I'm worried about nothing.

If I am, then why do I feel the need to crawl into a little ball and wish I didn't exisit? That I wasn't capable of falling in love? That for once someone could love me the way that I love them?

So many questions. So little answers. So many stupid questions. Not enough answers.

I am starting to doubt again. I'm starting to doubt that I will be able to fall in love the right way and quit doing so many stupid things. I want to believe in that saying "Love makes you do stupid things" because right now I feel like I'm living that saying.

I feel so lost.

I can't believe I did it. I just can't believe how stupid I am to have done it.

I told Paul that I love him. He said that he doesn't think so. That I can't possibly fall in love with somone I just met once. He also said that he doesn't belive in "Love at first sight" because that's basing everything on looks. I did get to know him, but he said that there are lots of things about him that I don't know yet.

Then I told him what I told Dan.

I told him that I couldn't stop thinking about him. Paul has been on my mind since we dropped him off and then some! I told him that I can still feel him and smell him and hear him and that it hurts. I told him that there was something about him that I fell in love with because while I was with him the world just felt... perfect.

I took a step back and realized what it was that I did. I had to apologize. I shouldn't have said what I said to him today, just now. I really shouldn't have. I feel like an idiot for doing so. A God damn idiot. I don't think it will work now. Not after what I did like the fool I am.

Why do I do this? Why do I always take stupid chances thinking that something cool will come out of it? Why can't I foresee how stupid everything will turn out or how messed up things will be? Why can't I do that? Why can't I?

I'll never be able to do anything right. At least anything I set my sights on. Like Paul. I like him alot. I'm in love with him. But I know now I can't have him. I've known that, but yet I still foolishly attempt to do something to get him because I want him because I need him!

Why do I do these things?

I talked to Dan last night. I told him about Paul. Well, I told him as much about him while plugging my blog like a damn salesman. I then went off on a tangent. Normally, this would be a bad thing, but with Dan, as long as I don't get rediculous, it's good. I told Dan about how he looks, how he talks, even how I felt around him. I told him that I can still feel that moment when Paul's hand touched mine, how I can still smell just a hint of him, how I can see his face when I close my eyes, and how I can hear his voice when it's really quiet.

Dan said that I'm in love.

I reviewed what I said, and it's obvious. I have fallen for Paul. And hard too. Dan asked why I fell in love. He always thought that I fell in love with Andrew soully because of looks. I assured him for the millionth time that I fell in love with Andrew those many years ago because of how cool a person he is and not because of looks. I'm like that. I'm not that superficial. I don't fall in love this hard for shallow reasons. Still, one thing did bug me. Why did I fall in love with Paul? Yes, he's cute, no doubt there, but was it about him that I just fell head over heels for? I think it is because whenever I was around him, I felt nice and comfortable. I felt like I could talk to him. Granted I didn't spill any of the details I don't spill here. I learned my lesson with that. I just felt very... warm... and fuzzy being around him. Everything he told me to cheer me up with did, and I had fun with even things as torturous as walking uphill in a hiking trail.

That's when I got scared.

I got scared that I was going to get hurt again. That I was going to do something stupid to lose this. I think I may have. I didn't want to hurt again. I told Dan this. I also told him that if this tanks, it's going to hurt me more, because I actually MET the person I fell in love with. I didn't tell him this last night, but if that does happen, I don't think I'll ever recover from it. I totally shrank into a little boy last night.

The first thing I thought about this morning when I woke up was this.

I wonder if Micheal brought Paul to the store to show him where Jess works.

I am in love. The signs are there. Thinking about him, still feeling his hand even now while I type. The fear. Oh, the fear of doing something stupid to piss him off causing me to get hurt to no ends and back.

It's funny, though. For the last month or so since James found Matt, I swore off ever falling in love with anyone ever again unless I became something better than I am now. Then Paul came along and this happens. If this is a sign from God telling me that I'm stupid to swear off falling in love, then I've seen the light. Still, I'm scared of getting hurt.

Dan said to take things slow. He knows how desprate I am to find someone to be with and how much I hate being alone. Since Paul and I were able to exchange e-mails and URLs, Dan said that's a good start. In fact, if you ask me, I'm actually off to a better start than I am when I'm trying to make regular friends. Dan said to try to keep in contact with him as best I can and to aslo just take a step back. In other words, don't go into stalker mode. I've been known to do that during very insane moments.

I love Dan. I don't know what I would do without him. Actually, I do, and I know it wouldn't be pretty. That's why I'm glad that I have someone like him in my life... even if I don't deserve him.

God, that is so what I needed. A three hour nap. It hurts to get up, but I have to. It's back to the world I know similar to how people go back to work after a much needed vacation.

I'm back from my trip to Kentucky, and man, what I story I have to tell you!!

First off, Kentucky Kingdom.

Everything I heard about that place was true. The crowds were awful, the lines were too long, and the employees were rude as well as unhelpful for most of the roller coasters if not annoying. But I still had a good time. Notice how I didn't say great. Here is what we did. To get used to the feeling of being shook all over the place as well as being put through some G-froces, we did what the guests to in RollerCoaster Tycoon and went one some small rides first. The first one was straight out of the RCT game, the Enterprise. Let me tell you something about that. It made me dizzy to no ends. I nearly got sick on that ride. The second one we hit up was a motion theater. That sucked so bad it was laughable. It makes me wonder about the people managing the place as well as the ride makers. After that, we hit up our first roller coaster, The Twisted Twins. It's a dueling wooden roller coaster for all those keeping track. We went on both sides. If you go to the left side, you'll end up getting some hard lateral G-forces. On the right side, you get alot of negative and positive G's. The thing is though, we decided to ride in the tail car when we went to the right side. Boy, was that a mistake. After we peeked the first hill after the drop, it felt like the back of the train was lifting! I thought all coasters had three wheels on them for safety?! We also ended up skidding to a stop, which scared a few people that noticed it. I was too busy checking lower torso to make sure that the lap bar restrained didn't crush my legs during those positive G's. We rested for a while and recovered our barings in the shade. Then it was off to Chang, the star coaster in Kentucky Kingdom. The wait was 50 minutes long! 50 MINUTES!! During the first part of the waiting area, my sister started to get so scared that she was crying like someone had died. This caused me and her boyfriend to just get really concerned. We told her that she can always change her mind and we could just leave. She was a trooper and wanted to go through with this. She cried again when she was finally strapped into the ride vehicels. The next group waiting to go asked if she was okay just before we left the loading station. After that, there was no turning back. We survived the ride, but we were all badly banged. I almost lost my glasses riding it. On top of that, the G's in that ride weren't my friend. Every time we hit an area of positive G-force, my head was shot forward. No matter how hard I tryed to pull it back, it was impossible! Talk about backwards, huh? If you don't believe me, I have prove of this in my on-ride photo. I may post that up later if I decide to scan it. I look stupid, though. The funny thing is, unlike the ride photos at Disney, you can't see my sister. She just barely made the hieght requirements. Her head is blocked by the row of seats in front of us. Still, I ended up buying an on-ride photo against my better judgement. Hey, I never had one before and compared to some of the prices for the ones at Disney, this was relitively cheap.... both in price and in what I got. All it was was a glossy digital print of the picture. At least all the on-ride pictures I've seen of the Disney rides look like actual photos. After that, we ate dinner. Better to eat after than before. My sister then wanted to go on the Merry-Go-Round with her boyfriend. We were given the option to sit this one out, but since she was able to handle Chang against all her fears, we decided to endure the embarrassment of having to sit on an oversize wooden roster. On our way out, we went on those vintage cars you see that you can't drive off the track no matter how hard you try. You know the kind. Anyway, my sister was driving it. We kept teasing her and acting like it's her driver's test. I think our buggie was running low on gas or something. About half way through the ride, the cars behind us were almost tailgating us. My sister said that she was flooring it, but I don't know at this point.

Overall, my view on Kentucky Kingdom is this. If you don't have cool people tagging along with you like Micheal and Paul (my sister's boyfriend and his cousin), than it isn't any fun.

Speacking of Paul...

Before I begin, I just want to say that the following is going to be brutally honest and totally unsensored. Put the kids to bed now.

Anyway, speacking of Paul, I think I may have found someone that is so much like me in person but yet better in every way possible. When I first saw him when we picked them up, he had long hair that was half blond half brown. A sandy blond if you will. Kind of a punk kid, but not really. Skinny and very cute. The thing is, I immediately labeled him as a person I wouldn't even have a chance in Hell with. As the trip wore on and as we began to talk more, I observed several things about him The way he talks, his gestures, the fact that he is so small he can sit cross-legged Indian Style in the mini-van's seat with no problem. That started to send some gears turning. I promply dismissed them as me just being hopeful for something I know I'll never have. At lunch, I got a good look at him in the light, and I noticed that he looks like Andrew. Well, except for the fact that Andrew is a bit taller, better build muscle wise, and doesn't have a pierce "la bre" (At least, I think that's what it's called. I don't know, it's the piercing that involves that area just below the lower lip where your lip flaps meet the chin.). He had a very cute gotee that went with it too. Not really full, but just enough to notice it, you know? The Five O'clock shadow thing. As we got closer to Six Flags and our hotel room, I started to listen very carefully to how he talked. Not what exactly, although there was a few times I was more interested in the converstation than how he was talking. Like how he is into creative writing and how he wrights poems and how he also has a blog on LiveJournal. His time being a server for a sit-down style resturant and all his mishaps that happened. All were interesting things to listen to, really. Still, I did notice something. He sounded kind of femme. Not really noticable, but you can hear it if you listen hard enough. That just revied my hopeful thinking to the point where I had to figure out at least some kind of hint as to what he is all about. I made it a point to try to sit next to him at every ride possible. But, you know me, I can't do a plan right out the moment I think of it. I chickened out of the plan on the Enterprise, which if you ask me was the perfect time to ask him! I mean, you have a freaking pod all to yourself! If you sit two to a pod, someone has to sit in front of someone else like a motercycle passanger and driver would. But no. I didn't do that there. Instead, I did so at the motion simulater. I was really close to his hands, but didn't bother to try holding them. I just merely touched them. He's got some nice skin, might I add. The same deal for the roller coasters I could do that on. I sat right next to him and tried to "accedently" touch him to see if he would mind. I also tried doing that at dinner, but apparently he must have been sitting Indian style again in the booth, because I could not find his legs. The results of my test came out questionable. Was he completely oblivious to what I was doing and just dismiss it as nothing more than me accedently touching him as if by pure accedent? Did he just not care? Or was he really enjoying himself with everything I was pulling on him? I don't know. I still don't know. I did find out the answer the main question though in the hotel room. Some time while we were watching .hack//SIGN he broke out the blanket and laid it over his legs. Since I was still in my testing stage seeing as how my questions never got answered, I decided to kick it up a notch and lay down next to him. Literally, right next to him. That's when I was surprised with something that HE did. After he got the blanket all nice and the way he wanted it, his hand fell and then found his way to mine! He was holding my hand! That's when all the bells and whistles went off. Finally, I just leaned over and whispered the question in his ear. Yes, he's gay. From then on out, I wasn't thinking with my head anymore. My mind went into perverted mode. Going on this long without any kind of sex or any kind of arosing pleasure even from the best porn you can find, and you can bet your bottom dollar that would have happened with me. The last thing I remember was mom coming into their room saying that I had to be a good boy and leave Paul and his cousin Micheal alone for the evening. She blamed me for their insomiatic practices. At least, that's how it came off to me. I wasn't thinking at the moment either, so I just did what she said blindly. It was only when I got in bed that I realized what I had done. I felt bad. I felt like I had just totally broken a rule or something. I couldn't sleep that night. Every time I tried, I woke up in a sweat. Finally, I just woke up and took a shower. I kept thinking about what I did to Paul and was beating myself over the head with it. The first moment I got alone with him, I apologized. He sounded as if he didn't care about what I did. He said that it was okay and that he wasn't annoyed or mad or anything. I still felt bad about it, but breakfast helped me get over it. Then I went into dork mode. Yes, that's right, the mode I get when I'm hitting on someone. I would annoy Paul with all these quick little pokes and jabs and things of that nature. That's still my way of saying "Hey, I really like you and I'm attracted to you" or "I feel good around you." Either it was me or it was bad timing, but every time I did that, he sounded aggitated. At lunch, I immediately appologized. I told him once we had enough room walking that I liked him and that I was tired of being alone. He told me that I'll eventually find someone cool. Dan told me that too. I thought that he was just saying that to make me feel better. When Paul said it, however, I felt warm and comforted. I then asked him what he likes in guys. He doesn't have a specific taste. Then came the question that killed all my hope. I asked if he's in a relationship currently. He said that he kind of is, but with college coming up, he'll be a two hour drive away from who he is with right now. He told me that who he is seeing is trying to want to work it out and make it work. I asked him if he wants to. He said sorta. I said that I noticed how he didn't sound too sure about that. We just left it there, to my knowledge. After lunch and on the drive home, whenever I looked at him, I got that same feeling I get whenever I see Andrew. That feeling of how I know I had something going but couldn't have it because of one reason or another. It made me sad. I felt worst when we dropped Paul and his cousin off. We exchanged URLs and e-mails so we could keep in touch. I kind of wish I could have gotten away with a hug behind the rental car, but there were too many witnesses in the area. I don't do PDA's (Public Displays of Affection) all that well. I guess it's stage fright. I did say that if his cousin ever comes by the house to come and tag along. I hope he does. I bet my sister and Micheal have lots planed left for the summer before they have to part ways, what which college and all, so I'm trying to he hopeful.

So have I blindfully fallen in love with someone I just met? Probibly. Did I do something stupidly foolish during my trip? Most definately. Did I learn something from my first experiance in meeting someone I was and still am geunienly attracted to? Yeah, I did. I learned that if I want to have someone as cool as Paul in my life that, like Paul said, I "will have to take the initiative" in order to get him. Something I'm not very good at. Did I make a new friend? Yeah, I hope so. I need all the friends I can get. Like I told Paul, I'm tired of being alone.

Today, we wrapped up my aunt's visit down here by driving her to a few last minute sites that we weren't able to get to. Mainly, the Parthanon, Farmers Market, and Bicentennial Mall. It was actually a nice drive here and there. We even passed by Watkins and Bellmont (my sister's college aim) on the way.

Did you know that if you stand in the dead center of The Plaza of Three Stars at the north end of the Bicentennial Mall you can hear yourself when you talk? Talk about nice accoustics.

Just awhile ago, we had dinner outside in the cool southern evening. It was BBQ night. I'm not a big fan of it, so I kept to just the corn on the cob. Everyone else had their share of the spread. It's pretty nice out there at this time of day. Not to hot, not to muggy. Just right really.

Tomorrow we are going to Kentucky Kingdom. When I say "we", I mean the family plus my sister's boyfriend and his cousin. Should be fun to go on the roller coasters. The thing is, I heard all these bad things about it. Stuff like how the employees would be rude, how lines would be too long, and how the rides aren't that great. They hyped up Chang saying that it broke several world records. What records, I wish I knew.

I also caught wind that I'll end up getting $20 more tomorrow for suvenier money. If I don't spend it, that means I have $40 in my wallet. Sweet, huh? Knowing me, I'll end up geting too happy to where I'll blow it off on some novelty plushie that's overpriced. Oh well, the whole point is to have fun! That's what I intend to do.

I'm tired.

Today we took my aunt to the Opryland hotel to look around the atrium. Despite everyone else's comments, I was able to find my way around without getting lost. Pretty good for someone that hasn't been there for two years now. We then took her to the OpryMills shopping mall. She started to buy post cards left and right. She also was looking for a baby t-shirt for my newborn nephew back in California. I don't think she found one.

When we got home, I was going to blog about this, but blogger was acting up. On top of that, my aunt needed to use the computer. I ended up falling asleep on the couch. When I woke up, I found out that we were going to have dinner at the Wildhorse Saloon.

The Wildhorse was interesting to say the least. First off, we didn't have to pay a cover charge to get in. We just barely made it under the time when they wave the fee. The bad thing is the wait was more than what they told us. An hour? Felt more like an hour and a half. Dinner was nice. Good fries. The steaks are probibly the best, but since none of us are big steak eaters, we wouldn't know. We also got in two concerts at the Wildhorse as well. I had to get marked along with my sister and her boyfriend because we are all under 21. Like any of us are going to drink to begin with.

Final score for the day: Two marks on my hands that look like I'm about to be nailed to the cross. Two Mushroom Swiss burgers. Twenty bucks in profit.

Not bad, huh?

Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to do something uncharacteristic of me and go to bed early. I'm beat.

Last night I was talking to someone new. I'm not going to say who because you would think I'm talking about someone else, and I don't want the confusion or the annoying e-mails asking me to give someone so-and-so's e-mail only to find out that you were stupid to think that I knew someone you idolized. Anyway, I was talking to him and he opened up to me and told me things about him that just took my breath away, made me speechless, and overall just made me feel so bad for him. As the evening wore on, I began to open up to him. I began to be more like myself instead of just being cool with him and caring and sweet like I always am with people. That was my first mistake, and more than likely the last.

I can't open up to people and tell them things about me. No one would understand. No one would have the patiences. I have got to stop doing that. I should not open up to people and show them the real me ever. Why? Because the real me, no one likes.

We just got back from downtown. With this heat, it's like walking in a lead soup, but I was trying to play tour guide.

Actually, my job today was cut short by my sister who knows downtown better than I do. Go figure. Anyway, I can't complain. I don't know anything abotu downtown, so she was a better choice of a guide than I'll ever be. It was interesting. My aunt wanted to get her suvaneer shopping over with, and they did get most of it done. I took them inside the Hatch Show Print store which was featured on Travel Channel. They liked it.

Interesting enough, my sister spotted some cute looking guys that obviously belonged to a band. She could tell because of the fact they wore DogHouse Record shirts. She shied up, as usual, and didn't ask if they were in a band or what name their band is. I gave her a hard time about that. I said that she always gets shy around guys she thinks are cute. I ended up getting hit for that one in front of my aunt the nun. I'm so bad, huh?

Tomorrow should be fun. We are going to take them to Opry Mills and the Opryland Hotel. Hopefully we will see the Delta at night.

My aunt in is town. She just arrived today from a convention in Kentucky. She's a nun. A cool nun, for that matter. She doesn't wear a habbit or anything a traditional nun would wear. She just goes around dressed comfortablely and is herself. She's one of my favorite family members because she is so fun.

We went out to eat tonight at our favorite Chinese resturant. The reason I meantion this is because of the fortune cookie I got. I don't like it. It sounds like a warning.

"Be prepared for the truth."

I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but this is the first time I ever got a fortune cookie that was this direct before. It looks like I'll be walking on even more eggshells now than I was before.

DAMN YOU, BILL GATES!!

Exactly two weeks after I bought Zoo Tycoon (meaning that my refund/exchange oppurtunity is now null and void), Microsoft goes and releases this sucker.

And once again, I'm screwed by Microsoft.

I hope the marketing department burns for this.

Okay, I'm better now. Had to get that out. Sorry.

Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 01:34:00 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: hello from groundzero...

long story short:

through random associations of an internet nature, I
found your blog. I read enough to make the (perhaps
infantile assumption that) you sounded... vexed.

I am no authority on anything - and would never
pretend to be so. We grew up in different worlds (I'm
a native New Yorker...). I live in Chelsea (gay mecca
- some would say). You are young, and have have family
issues, friendship issues, and Cathoholic angst. Many
of us have - you know you're not alone. I was also
raised Catholic, though not like you. C. school from
K-9.

Anyway, I'm writing because it's late and I'm
occasionally weak and empathic.

I offer only this: try to relax. Enjoy what you can.
Love yourself. You are very young and many things will
change over the course of your life in ways you could
never predict. You are handsome, intelligent, and have
much time to grow. I would never have imagined the
joys and pains I've gone through since I was 19 - and
I remember that time vividly. I was... much less
secure. Currently in a 5 year monogamous relationship
with a wonderfully handsome, funny, sweet, and
intelligent man. I am now 36. Took many relationships
and various dates - good and bad - to meet him.
Ironically our paths crossed many times over the
years... starting when I was only 19. Try not to hang
onto regrets and petty dramas. All will pass. Have
faith in yourself and your heart.

I hope this finds you well, and helps ease whatever
pains you may have. Let the insecurities pass over you
like a brook over rocks. The foundations of destiny
will not be swayed by whirlpools and bad currents.

Forgive my intrusion - I just felt the need to reach
out - from one soul who has known much insecurity and
pain and never forgot. I am no longer that young and
insecure boy. I am no letch and have only good
intentions.

May this strengthen your convictions and dreams. And,
btw, videogames can be an escape... but there are far
worse things people do. ;) One day you will no doubt
find passions that far exceed the 'gaming experience',
but as I say, once a gamer, always a gamer.

May peace and good fortune be with you always.

sincerely,

res_ident.


ps - if I've made a blundering or unwelcome intrusion,
please forgive my err. and (obviously) do not feel
compelled to respond - I shall bother you no more.

Normally, mail like this in my inbox wouldn't surprise me as much as it would. The only thing that would jolt me is the fact that someone out there is reading my blog. I mean, actually READING it! This one surprises me in particular because it was sent to an address that I don't give out to many people. In fact, I'm surprised that it got to that addy since the one I have linked here goes to my Hotmail account. I wonder who he knows and how he got a hold on that e-mail addy of mine.

I will say this, though. He has some valid points. I really should just relax and be happy with what I got. I haven't been doing much of a good job with that lately, that's for sure. Always wanting more than what I have because I'm not happy with it. That's not the way to live. Apparently it took me 20 years to learn that. Talk about stupid, huh?

Still, this e-mail was a nice surprise to me this morning.

Hey, what can I say? I'm an attention hog.

I guess you can say last night was my night. I fixed up everything with everyone as best I could. Unfortunately, this is going to be my last time I'm going to be able to do this. It's the whole "three-strikes" thing. My last shot. I am going to have to keep that in mind every night and every day I talk to them. I will not get another shot at this ever again if I mess this up. I have to be careful. Eggshell-walking careful.

Okay, one down, one to go.

Stupid me was worried over nothing as far as thinking that I pissed off Brian. I really didn't. In fact, he said that I'm not worth pissing off over. I'm not worth the agrivation or trouble.

Well, at least the message is getting around that I'm not worth much of anything to anyone let alone worthy enough to have friends like Jack.

Now I have two things left I need to do. Make it right with Dan if I can, and then do something with myself. Unfortunately, I'm braindead on both accounts.

One down, two to go.

I talked to David awhile ago. I couldn't think of anything to say. I just admited all my faults and wrongs and let him have at me, if you will. Somehow, it worked. He said that he accepted my peace offering on the condition that if he even hears of another stupid move on my part again he will leave forever. In other words, this was the last time he'd every do this for me.

Strange how if I don't try as hard I do well but if I try even a slight bit I fail. You would think the opposite would happen.

I should have known he wouldn't listen to me. The moment that I say something he doesn't like or thinks is stupid, he won't listen to me. He ignored me and was all "just get to the point" as if he didn't care. He doesn't care. He won't listen.

As long as someone won't listen, you can't win at anything.

I should have known. I'm an idiot to think otherwise.

Yesterday, I was all happy and thinking everything was fine. I was going to say what I felt I needed to say to David and everything would be cool.

That night, I found out the truth. Nothing will be fine. I am in nothing short of a personal world war with only three people on my side. And we're losing. BAD! I tried to think of things last night that would make peace with everyone, but I couldn't think. Josh said it best to me last night. I was mentally strained to the point where I was drawing blanks left and right. I couldn't think of anything that would work because I was tired.

Even though he's been right on all of occations, I'm starting to think that he was wrong this time. I slept on it and woke up feeling the same way. I can't think of anything that would help. The only line of defence I have now is this blog to show them how I feel if they will even read it. Hell, they wouldn't even listen to me last night! They dismissed my words as nothing but pure bullshit. That's what I don't like about them. Every time I try to defend myself, they don't listen to me. Why would they now? I'm not important, and my little stunt that I pulled just made them feel like they aren't important to me. The thing is, if they weren't important to me, do you honestly think I would be the way I am right now? All panicing and fearing the worst? Trying to think up things that would work only to come up with stupid ideas that get shot down like skeets?

Dan kepts saying last night to look at it from their point of view. I have. I can see why they don't like me, and I can see that they are in the right for all counts against me. I see that I was wrong. So why can't they see things from my point of view? Why can't they for once look through my eyes and see what is going on and what I think? They can't. I've already been labeled a "looney toon" just for sticking around with them for six years online with nothing more than a phone call and a few meetings up to Seattle. You can't think like a crazy person unless you are crazy in some people's view. But still, can't they at least see how unfair it is to shoot down everything I say wheather I'm right or I'm wrong? I don't do that to them. I listen to everything they say. I have never dismissed their words as bullshit. I may have missed some of the point they were trying to make or not get the message, but I never took any of what they said as utter bullshit. Why can't they do the same for me?

Because I'm as crazy and daffy as a cartoon to the point where I need to be locked away in a rubber room?

In someone's eyes I am.

This is the best arguement that I can come up with all morning long. The best thing I can think of for my defence. The only thing I can come up with to try on them later tonight. And you know what? I don't think it will work. Why? Becaue even if I am right on this one, I don't feel I am. I've been shot down so many times when I tried to defend myself to the point where I now believe that even if I'm right I'm wrong. I'm always going to be wrong because I can't get my point across nor can I get someone to listen. I can try to argue the point to the point where I would lose my cool and start yelling my head off for them to listen. I came close last night. I didn't because of a "Presidential order backed by the Prime Minister." I was trying to talk like a civilized person. Trying to get my point across without biting heads if I even did have a point to get across. Trying to change minds and make peace, which I can't do. And I'll be trying to do that again tonight. The same thing, over and over, for God-knows-how-many days.

I'm fighting a war here. A war I can't afford to lose but is every time I think of a defence. Notice how I didn't say "a good defence." With me, I doubt there is even a good defence. I'm in a losing battle.

And it's all my fault.

I've never been much of a fighter. I don't even know how to defend myself against my little sister who punches me in the arm so much. That being said, how can I possibly defend myself against something like this? How can I possibly make peace now? I don't think I can. After being shot down so many times at everything I attempt to do, I don't think I can do much of anything. So what if I'm setting myself up to fail. I'm expecting it. That way, I won't be disappointed. I tried to be optimistic, but all I got out of it was hurt and disappointments. It's like what my algebra teacher said one time.

"It's better to be pessimistic than optimistic. Why? When you're optimistic, you are either right or you are disappointed. When you're pessimistic, you are either right or pleasently surprised."

As stupid as that may sound to some, it makes sense to me.

I'm going to try again tonight using the only thing I can come up with so far. If I come up with anything more than this, I'll use that too, but I doubt I will. On top of that, I doubt this will work. I won't know unless I try though.

I learned something last night.

I'm pathetic.

Whenever something bothers me, I obsess about something to keep my mind occupied so I can escape the problem. Apparently, that doesn't work all that well with fixing the problem to begin with. While I was trying to come up with the "perfect zoo" in Zoo Tycoon with the help from Wisco, everyone thought I had blew them off. Saying that was it. I didn't want to be friends any more.

Why in my right mind would I even think that let alone say that to them? Why would they think that? Because I was gone for a week? Apparently, yes, that is why. While I was trying to escape all my problems, I was really creating new ones that I didn't want. If it weren't for David calling me out last night, I would have a shit load of problems to deal with later. I owe David alot for doing that now.

Like I said, David called me out last night, so I talked to him. He was worried about me. He was the only one worried about me. He wanted to know what was going on, how I was feeling and everything. It wasn't one of our more cheerful chats to say the least. In fact, I pissed him off. I haven't done that to him since I made a wise crack about his hair. I feel bad. He was trying to help, and I made him feel like he was wasting his time. If only he knew that he didn't really waste his time. If only he knew what it was that he really did. Maybe he wouldn't be so pissed if he knew that he actually saved me from having more problems than I can handle in the future.

While David was off, James came on and started talking to me. He feels bad about how he wasn't there to stop things. He would tell everyone to stop trying to change me. Saying that I won't change unless I want to. Which is true. There are a few things I want to change, but how I'm going to go about it, I don't really know. This applies for almost everyone in the world. Unless they want to change, they won't. So where was James when what happened happened? Knowing my luck, he was probibly in my state doing a revival. That's what he does from time to time. That man loves the Lord. Key word being LOVE.

Jack then came on and started to bitch me out like only he could. I've been told that I have yet to hear how foul his mouth really is, althought I probibly wouldn't know about that given last night's bitching he gave me. He made me feel like shit. The verbal beating I got was probibly the eqivalent to whatever Dobby had to deal with with the Malfue or however you spell it. He said that even though I wasn't on for a week, he knew I was hurting and was pissed off at me that I didn't even talk to him for so long. He said the first chance he gets, he was going to hunt me down like a dog and make me tell him why I didn't talk to him for so long. He was that pissed at me. All the more why I'm greatful to David for doing what he did. Jack hunting me down like he would, knowing full well who he is and what he is capable of, would just cause so many problems in the future that I know I won't be able to handle.

So what do I do now?

Well, I packed up Zoo Tycoon along with all my other recent purchases. I can always go to their official site and get what I just downloaded again anyways and start over. That's one thing I like about this game. Unlike Roller Coaster Tycoon, you don't have to really save if you don't want to unless you are doing really well. You can always start from scratch. And having a site like Wisco's isn't a bad thing to have bookmarked either. Anyway, today, tonight, and probibly for the rest of my time here unless something happens, no more Zoo Tycoon. No more building exhibits for a Giant Panda or trying to breed T. Rexes or running a Dolphin show. No more trying to figure out if I have space for this or that. I am a little attatched to my saved game, so I'll upload all 2MBs of it into my Yahoo! Breifcase, but other than that, no more.

Why?

I have more important things to do than play video games all day.

This sucks. This really sucks.

For the past few days I have been engrossing myself into Zoo Tycoon, which I just bought. For those of you that don't know already, video games are my escape. They are my crack, cocain, marajuanha, alcohol, heroin, and just about any other drug you can think of all in a nice little box that won't kill my system unless you count my brain cells. Why? Because I need to get away from it all. Away from life. I want to get away from everything that is bothering me and for once feel like I am important and in control.

I'm not.

I can't play the game without thinking about "them." Just the fact that the game has an option where you can adopt a moose makes me think about one or two of them. I can't even enjoy a movie of mine without thinking about them. I can't even go to a Disney site anymore without feeling depressed and disappointed. Even just going to my room makes me feel like I'm going to prison with all of these bad memories flooding back like the damn dam broke.

I can't take this anymore. I want to get out. I want this all to end. I need to escape before...