It was bound to happen sooner or later.

Last night in the mits of a good evening, I was thrown the question I didn't want to answer and feared being ask for as long as I have been talking to Russ on the level that we were. I was asked what would happen if James started getting friendly again with me to the point where we'd click back again and what would happen to Russ in the equation. I couldn't stand the pressure of the question. I just kept thinking that all my answers were wrong. And they were all wrong. Every last one of them! Once again, I made myself look like I was using whoever would just give me the time of day. And once again I screwed up another good thing.

I hate myself. I mean, really, I doubt there is someone out there who is as stupid as I am. I'm so idiotic I don't even know that I'm shallow untill I'm told. And then when I am told, I feel just horrible about myself and how I've treated the other person! I can't even keep track of myself! I forget things; I sometimes blur people out when I don't want to listen to them. I'm a horrible person. An ugly horrible person.

God, I'm so pathetic. It's times like these that make me think that being down here where I don't want to be is devine punishment for sins I have yet to realize I have commited and will commit. My Hell, to put it in other words.

I know I'll be feeling shity in the morning now that I have two people hating me... except I know why one of them is mad at me.