I woke up this morning with a strange sense of pain and guilty confusion.

I found out last night that James hates me now. For what, I don't really know. Alot of posibilities have been flying through my head about what he could hate me about. Could he be mad at me because Russ and I are, well, for lack of a better term, interested in each other? Was it something I said to him before he tried to kill himself? Was it something I did to him? What?

I hate being this way. Being paranoid to the point where I'm practically ripping my hair out. I guess it comes with the territory when someone you truely care about and love suddenly comes back and says that he hates you.

I went to check the fitness message board I joined up with yesturday. They guy in charge said to check out a site called Body For Life since my main problem is motivation. I looked at the challenge they had to offer and didn't like what I saw. The underlaying message of trying to get the best body you can get in under 12 weeks so you can get a portion of a million bucks doesn't really get me out of my seat and going. I'm not the type that is motivated by money or discounts. As much as I complain about money and not having enough of it, I'm still not the kind that is motivated by it. Well, what about the other benifits, Zeek? Like having a healthy body? Do you think I'm that dense?! I know I need a healthy body to live longer and do the things that I really and truely want to do in life. The thing is, I can't commit to a program or eat healthy or anything because I'm flying blind!

It's times like these I wish I had a better Health & Wellness teacher.

Too bad James hates me. He's so ripped and perfectly built that for him not to know how to get that way would be criminal! If anyone could help me out, I know he can. Too bad he won't though. He's going to hate me for forever knowing him.

Life sucks.