Last night went down with a twist. As I was talking to Russ, James comes on. We talked, but it was way too short. I kind of wish we talked longer. Okay, I wanted to talk longer to him. That's when Russ asked me questions about who I love more. Okay, those weren't his exact words, but you know what I mean. I said that I love James alot but think that I had my shot and screwed it up. Russ thinks otherwise. Feeling very confused, Russ had Dan call me up to set me on the right path. He told me about James and how he hasn't been himself lately. How, like me, he hasn't been truely happy. It worries him alot. For the first time, I was someone that someone else depended on. James needed me to be there for him and he thinks he blew that shot with me too. I would have been better off with Russ, and Dan still thinks so, but Dan also was the one that said to just follow my heart. Despite all his flaws and short-comings and all of that comes with him that is bad, I went with James. Why? Because he needs me. I'm not trying to sound egotistical, but he does need me.

Silly me, I didn't lose any of my tricks.

It's amazing what sharpening a pencil can do to one's drawings.

Something scary and strange happened just now.

I was drawing and it all felt alien. I couldn't do any of my old techniques that I remember doing before. The drawing itself looks fine compared to everything else, but it felt like it wasn't right.

I hope this is just me feeling out of practice.

Okay, when this movie was first annouced, I thought Disney went off the deep end, but after seeing the trailer (provided in the link), all I can say is this.

DAMN!!

Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a porno
anytime soon. You seem to be really into the
whole "love" thing...romantic sex
with perfumed sheets and candles all over the
place. You're probably a hopeless romantic. You
value sex and respect your partner too much to
do anything like porn. AWWWWWW! <3

What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla


Nerdslut

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

I thought these were funny and worth sharing. And yes, I'm a nerdslut.

Okay, a few days without blogging and now I need to catch up for those of you that read this.

First off, and most important of all, Russ and I made up. I was amazed at how fast things smoothed over with him over the last two days. Russ said it was because he was in such a good mood. I was and still am in a good mood too. I got my friend back after I was being such an asshole to him. Now if only I can get him to be my boyfriend.

Yesterday, I learned something weird about my old Gameboy Pocket. Apparently, when I thought the batteries had died, I switched games. The game that came with this "stolen" Gameboy was an old Mario game. I ended up sucking out an extra hour from Mario as far as battery life! After the batteries finally died for the last time, I got to thinking as to why I got more battery life from Mario than I did from Pokemon. Then it hit me. Processing! Pokemon has so much data in it, most of the battery life is sucked dry by the processing. Mario, on the other hand, is nothing but a simple game (put a wall here, an enemy here) that it doesn't suck so much energy processing what needs to be on that little screen. However, this problem wouldn't happen if I had a GBA SP.

I just got back from the dentist. Apparently, I had an unusual filling to be filled. It was on the back side of the very back tooth on the upper ride side of my upper jaw. The main dentist said that he had to stand on his head to reach it almost. It's the first filling I had in a long time, and I have to say...

...it hurts!

I had this strange dream while I was taking a nap.

I first dreamed that there were these two white ghostly looking griffins that attacked our house with poisonous snakes. This black, skinny, smokey, ghost wolf protected me, but I couldn't save my sister. Then the dream switched in a flash to me walking towards an old platation manor. I hear a voice, but no one is there. I dismiss it as part of the environment. Then I see the same two white griffins from before. As I stare at them, they make their way closer to me. I find myself inside my home looking at them through a doorframe. I slam the door, but they still approach.

Griffins.... The wings and head of a hawk with the body of a lion capable of tearing people from limb to limb. In one culture, they are seen as noble protectors. In others, they are seen as Hell's creature, a bird of prey from the other world that feasts on the flesh of those that have sinned.

But what do they mean in my dream?

In an utterly stupid and vain attempt to become heartless after losing everything to the point where death doesn't even scare me, I ended up waking feeling like I've done something wrong more than not caring at all. I wanted to e-mail so many people, but I know that's impossible. Their e-mail has changed to the point where the addresses I have won't work. It would just be a waste of my time! Still, I know I've done something wrong, something very wrong. The part that's killing me the most is that I don't know how to fix it. On top of that, I don't think I can fix it.

I can't win! It's just hopeless...

It begins now. The journy I did not want to take but wanted to. The confusion that made perfect sense. This is the start of the end of a time that never really began. Tonight, I sleep broken. Tomorrow, I'll wake a dead spirit.

I bet this is how Spike from Cowboy Bebop felt before he met Julia... well, at least the last part.

I had a dream where, for some reason, I was locked away in a room that was like a safe room (more popularlly known as a panic room thanks to a movie of the same title). It had everything I could ask for! Video games, a toilet, a bed, even a phone with internet connection!

I wonder what this dreams means.

I learned something just awhile I ago I really wish I never learned.

It took a 15 year-old to tell me that I just got fucked in the most complicated yet easiest way possible. It all started when I got accepted. That's when I all started. With being accepted to Watkins, apparently, I forfitted any kind of chance I had of being able to go up and meet Russ and the others face to face. Why? Because my parents got what they wanted. I got into a local college here in my own personal Hell. This means that I am officially stuck here. As such, I will not be able to even visit Russ or even Dan for that matter. Think about it. Will I even have the time? No, because most of it will be locked away for studying. Hell, I won't even have time to be online as late as I am now once August rolls around! Once school starts for me, that's it! Game over! I lost everything I ever hoped for!

Let's face it. I just can't win.

I really wish now that I never got accepted. That I wasn't even good enough for Watkins, a local college. I really wish that there was some way around this, but if I couldn't even see what I just learned now on the day I got accepted, then what chance do I have of figuring out a way around all this?! I will never be able to fix this. I'll end up losing contact with Russ and Dan to the point where they will probibly forget about me knowing how fast they move and what they plan to do.

Meanwhile, I'll be here...

Fortune Cookie Wisdom:
A liar is not believed even though he tells the truth.

Okay, let's see if this applys to me. I will type a true statement, and let me see if you believe me or not. Naturally, I won't know, but that's not the point, is it?

Today, I shaved off my pubic hairs. Just the ones above my penis, not the ones on the scrotum. I didn't want to risk becoming a castroti.

Now, do you believe me?

Today is Easter Sunday... and on Pot Day no less.

It's been a long time since I went to church last... too long... My aunt, on the other hand, was like the most Americans and only attends today and on Christmas since she works most Sundays. At least it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one in there that hasn't been to church on a regular basis.

I saw Andrew Karg while we were there. Why is it that everyone eventually gets taller than me? I couldn't find his brother. For all I know, he could be off in Iraq. I hope not. I want this stupid "liberation" to end before anything else happens. In any case, Andy looked just as good and as cute as I remember seeing him last. It's a shame that I couldn't talk to him before leaving. Then again, when there are that may people in such a small building, staying may not be a good idea.

I still wish I could have stayed though and maybe caught up on things. Tell him that I'm finally going to college and all that. Maybe even hang out and become friends again.

I wish for a lot of things.

Last night, as a way of celebrating, I downloaded for the uhm-teenth time the Japanese version of the Cowboy Bebop movie. I didn't have a DivX codec, but thanks to some redirection from a MouseInfo.com board member, I was able to watch it!

I have to say, I'm impressed with the movie alot. I mean, it was shown in true Bebop fashion. As freash as any of the episodes with just as much action and drama and, yes, even comedy. Too bad I'll never see the dubbed version.

If you must know, I really wanted to celebrate in a different way last night for getting into college. I honestly wanted to just spend the whole day yesterday with Russ making love. How can I say that so bluntly? Because I really wanted to, and I don't care who knows. Kind of like declaring to the world atop a mountain that you love someone back in the Romantic era... or what I think was the Romantic era. Strange, yes, but hey, that's what makes me who I am.

April 17, 2003

Zeek Slider (okay, so that's not the name of the letter, but do you seriously think I'm going to tell you my real name here?!)

I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Watkins College of Art and Design for the fall semester 2003-04.

If you choose to accept admission to Watkins, the Admissions Office must receive a $100.00 non-refundable by April 30, 2003. This amount is applicable to the fall 2003-04 semester's tuition. It can be paid by check, money order, VISA or MasterCard. Please return your deposit to us along with the form at the bottom of this letter and the attached worksheet.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Ted Gray
Director of Admissions

I'm going to college!! Happy day!!

I need this for those late night surf sessions in the dark.

It's amazing what an apology can do if done right.

Oh yeah, and Andrew giving me a swift kick in the groin about how much of a bitch I've been to get my act together.

Where would I be without him or Dan? Oh, I really don't want to think about that right now. Just the question alone is enough to scare me.

I unpacked my DDR Dance Mat again and duct taped it down. I didn't bother playing it yet. I don't know why either. I think this morning has me freaked out to the point where I can't think about something as stupid as my fitness level.

I e-mailed Dan about it just awhile ago. Knowing how well informed he is, he probibly already knows everything about it. Still, just in case the guys haven't said anything to him, I did tell him my side of the story... well, as best I could at least.

I'm really afraid. I don't want to be a heartless person. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to look like I'm using people. I don't want to look like a "boy bouncer" or someone that just grabs onto someone that will give me the time of day. I don't want to be like this...

...but I am.

I really didn't want to get out of bed today. Hell, I didn't even want to open my eyes today! I knew the moment I did, I'd have to face the day and all its spoiled spoils. But guess what? I did.

I feel strange. I didn't wake up feeling like shit or even remotely depressed. I felt really odd. It confused me even more. I was feeling as if I didn't give a damn anymore. Like I've had one too many disappointments and bad times to even care. Even though it felt better than waking up all depressed, I know feeling like this is a bad thing. It is as if I'm taking my first steps over to the Dark Side of The Force or something.

Am I starting to become heartless?

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

Last night in the mits of a good evening, I was thrown the question I didn't want to answer and feared being ask for as long as I have been talking to Russ on the level that we were. I was asked what would happen if James started getting friendly again with me to the point where we'd click back again and what would happen to Russ in the equation. I couldn't stand the pressure of the question. I just kept thinking that all my answers were wrong. And they were all wrong. Every last one of them! Once again, I made myself look like I was using whoever would just give me the time of day. And once again I screwed up another good thing.

I hate myself. I mean, really, I doubt there is someone out there who is as stupid as I am. I'm so idiotic I don't even know that I'm shallow untill I'm told. And then when I am told, I feel just horrible about myself and how I've treated the other person! I can't even keep track of myself! I forget things; I sometimes blur people out when I don't want to listen to them. I'm a horrible person. An ugly horrible person.

God, I'm so pathetic. It's times like these that make me think that being down here where I don't want to be is devine punishment for sins I have yet to realize I have commited and will commit. My Hell, to put it in other words.

I know I'll be feeling shity in the morning now that I have two people hating me... except I know why one of them is mad at me.

Okay, I really have self-image issues now. I must have that if I actually went and did what I just printed out.

While on Bored.com, I found this site called the Hero Machine. It basically is a Marvel Comic Character creator for those of us that can't draw worth a crap let alone match their detail and skill. Anyway, as I was messing around with it when I stumbled upon a set-up that looked like what I wanted to look like. After messing with the color, I printed it out. I then started messing with it again and found yet another set-up that looked like what I wanted to look like. I printed that out as well. As I looked at them, I wondered if it was possible to look like the picture in real life. The muscles weren't super human like most of the superheros out there, so it was realistic. Still, to label these pictures as goals that I want to obtain as far as how I want to look if and when I get with the program and get in shape was just proving that I have more issues about my self-image than I though.

Damn insecurity.

With this recent want to get in shape if not lose some weight, I'm starting to think that packing up DDR was a bad thing. Actually, I've been thinking about that for some time. The last two games I've ever turely played that sucked up most if not all of my boredom (Pokemon and DDR) I don't play anymore. In fact, I'm sitting here bored off my ass listening to DDRFreak Radio. I know, big mistake, but still... it's better than listening to Fantillusion.

I guess tomorrow I could break that dance mat out again and duct tape it down correctly this time. Man, talk about a waste of duct tape. Right now, I guess it really doesn't matter.

I don't know why I feel so fat. I think it's all Jack's fault. Nah, that would be just trying to find a scape-goat. Gaining about four to five pounds shouldn't bother me this much, but when you talk to guys that are 20 to 30 pounds lighter than you and a hell of alot more ripped than you that lose 4 pounds a week when they aren't working out... well, you get the idea.

I look fine. At least I think I look okay. I'm not forming a second chin or anything. But I still feel like I could do better. Like I SHOULD be ripped or at least have soem kind of decent built.

I hate being insecure. I hate being stupid like this.

Mail from Steve Ranieri:

From: Steve Ranieri
To: zeekslider
Subject: Re:That site

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not just about the free stuff man. It's about changing your body. It's about getting in the best shape of your life over 12 weeks and documenting your improvements. That's the motivation...the prizes are just a bonus.

I knew he was going to say something like that. Maybe I'll give that page a shot when I'm out of this slump of negativity and into a happier environment. When I see Russ tonight, I'm giong to meantion all this to him seeing as how it seems he is the only one that will talk to me on a regular basis.

On top of that, I'm tired of Jack calling me "heffty buns."

I woke up this morning with a strange sense of pain and guilty confusion.

I found out last night that James hates me now. For what, I don't really know. Alot of posibilities have been flying through my head about what he could hate me about. Could he be mad at me because Russ and I are, well, for lack of a better term, interested in each other? Was it something I said to him before he tried to kill himself? Was it something I did to him? What?

I hate being this way. Being paranoid to the point where I'm practically ripping my hair out. I guess it comes with the territory when someone you truely care about and love suddenly comes back and says that he hates you.

I went to check the fitness message board I joined up with yesturday. They guy in charge said to check out a site called Body For Life since my main problem is motivation. I looked at the challenge they had to offer and didn't like what I saw. The underlaying message of trying to get the best body you can get in under 12 weeks so you can get a portion of a million bucks doesn't really get me out of my seat and going. I'm not the type that is motivated by money or discounts. As much as I complain about money and not having enough of it, I'm still not the kind that is motivated by it. Well, what about the other benifits, Zeek? Like having a healthy body? Do you think I'm that dense?! I know I need a healthy body to live longer and do the things that I really and truely want to do in life. The thing is, I can't commit to a program or eat healthy or anything because I'm flying blind!

It's times like these I wish I had a better Health & Wellness teacher.

Too bad James hates me. He's so ripped and perfectly built that for him not to know how to get that way would be criminal! If anyone could help me out, I know he can. Too bad he won't though. He's going to hate me for forever knowing him.

Life sucks.

It looks like that site I found has an ezBoard. I tried logging in to see how far I'd get talking to the people that are obviously a hell of alot more beautiful than I'll ever be only to be greated with ezBoard error galors! I eventually got them sorted out.

I then, for some bizarre reason, sent a message to the head honcho. I pretty much told him part of my personal story that I have yet to blog about but more than likely have if you read closely enough. I told him that I want to get into shape and be as ripped as him as well as the rest of the people on that site, but I just can't seem to commit to a routine. I asked for some adviced.

The sad thing is, I bet that it is going to take probibly Russ and James combined drilling my ass like a boot camp instructor to get me to do a regular fitness routine. But, hey, that's just my opinion.

Check out 8Pack to see some of the sexiest abs on the net! It's a personal site, but if you pay a fee, you can get more and better shots of his sexy stomach. Like I have the cash to pay.

I bet the guy is straight, though.

Today was so boring. I mean, really boring. Everything I tried doing (watching a movie, playing video games, going online, blogging whatever I was thinking) I lost interest in within a minute. In fact, I was so bored, that I slept most of the day away.

The only thing that got me out and about and give me some kind of surge of energy was when I went with my dad to Sam's Club to pick up some supplies. Hell, I had nothing else better to do.

I wish I was with Russ and James and everyone else right now. I know I wouldn't be bored over there. There would be something to do, someone to hang out with. And the best part is that maybe there I'll get a chance to do that project I've had in my head that involves black paint, green ultra-violet paint, and a blacklight. In case you are wondering, I want to paint my room like the inside of a computer where when I turn on the blacklight, the green part would glow. The green part would be painted like the tracks on a circet board. Cool, huh? And that's just the tip of the iceburg.

Okay, you explain this dream to me, because I sure as hell don't understand it.

Basically, I'm flying out to... somewhere, with my sister in tow. For some bizarre reason, we have to pass this screening process that involves answering some rediculous question about our future. Naturally, I don't pass, so I'm stuck in wherever-it-is-that-I-am-at. I decide to take a walk since I'm obviously not going to where I want to go to. Somehow I end up in this fancy office-like building. I walk around passing all this rooms that have sounds of sex coming from them. I then find a worker and ask where I'm at. She says that I'm in BG East's company HQ. I look over my shoulder to see Troy Baker in a business suit (Like that will ever happen.).

I knew I shouldn't have ate that bannana.

Bannanas with soft skin = strange dreams.

Mom was going through some old maginizes to see what to keep and what to throw away when she called me over to show a picture of Erik von Detten in one of them.

The curse still lives!! At this rate, I'm going to probibly meet him!

Because I'm too lazy to figure out the math and because I'm bored, I surfed on over to BG East Wrestling to see how much the tapes I wanted to buy would cost. Naturally, I clicked on all the ones that had Troy Baker in it, but I also clicked on one that involved to blond jobbers getting the snot beaten out of them and then put into a nude sleeper hold.

The subtotal came out to be around $923!! That's without shipping! Thankfully, for now, there is a discount going on depending on how many videos you buy and at what price. On the cart screen, it said that my current discount was $108 for all the videos. Now that is a discount! Grand total before shipping is $815. I know there is a shipping charge since they ship UPS.. at least I think it's UPS. On their FAQ page it says they mail by USPS. I think that's the same thing.

In any case, I know I don't have enough to watch Troy either get beat or lay the smackdown on someone. Oh well. Maybe someday.

I decided to pack up my DDR mat and game. The mat was just getting stepped on by people that were walking around my room as if it was part of the floor anyways. That's no way to treat the mat. On top of that, it's lost its fun factor. I think a game like DDR is more fun when played in front of alot of people instead of by yourself. Sure, playing by yourself has its benifits, like the lack of heckling if you do an easy song because everyone around you is better. And let's not forget about the fitness benifit.

But in my room? It was more like a welcome mat than a dance mat. Oh well, maybe I'll bring it out again at a later date.

I had the strangest of dreams last night.

The first one I had was of me getting my head chopped off in front of a crowd of thousands at the Tower of London. I know what prompted that dream, however. It was also one of those dreams where I could feel that cold steel just as it hit my neck after I woke up. Very freaky.

The next dream I had was just stupid. I was shopping for some video games and no one had any. Not even the rental stores! I wonder what that means. You know, I wonder what all those symbolism tricks that dreams have to hide their meaning in mean.

Have you ever been put on hold for so long that you start to think the person on the other end forgot about you? I'm not talking about those phone calls where the person on the other end says "Please hold" and you are stuck listening to music that sounds like Kenny G and Yanni worked on it together. With those, all you have to do is hang up and call again. But have you ever been put on hold in a converstation between you and your friend over the phone or even over IMs to the point where it looks like they forgot about you? If it was in person, not only would that be rude, but at least you could remind them that you were in the area. I don't know whether it is just me being stupidly paranoid because the only person I actually talk to online acts like they don't want to talk to me but in reality is busy doing something or the need to have some kind of attention. I really hope it's just that anal part of me that wants attention.

All I know is that being put on hold for such a long time makes me wonder if they forgot about me. It makes me feel uncomfortable... especially after they put me on hold after I found out that I lost my head because I fucked up again with them. Then I feel REALLY uncomfortable.

Well, here I am bored and sitting here in front of the blogger box typing down the first thing that comes to my mind not caring if it offends or hurts because, hey, this is my outlet for bottled emotions.

I read and finished the story I found early this morning and e-mailed the writer saying how much I admired what he did and how I wish that I could be like him. Hey, people that take big risks like he did are what make this world interesting. It's like what his mother said. Without risk, life is boring. Believe me, I should know. For the past two years, my life has been nothing but boring. The only thing that made it interesting was the fact that I masked everything over with a big lie about how I'm doing this, that, and the other. What scares me is the fact that I'm getting good at that.

Surprisingly, the guy wrote me back. He said he was working on a second book that could be right up my ally. I can only wonder why he asked about my age, but after reading his true-life adventure, I know it would be rude of me to question it. He seems like a good person. He is a good person.

Russ has been on my mind all day today. Last night in and out of reading the story I found, Russ said somethings that caught me off gaurd. I didn't want to tell him this, but what he told me I heard before. From Andrew. From James. And we all know how those relationships went. You would think I would have learned my lesson now about internet love. I mean, I've known this entire time that IMs are not the same as actually talking to the person and meeting them and seeing how they react. One can only learn so much from their words. It is their actions that accompany the words that makes them have some meaning, some depth, some humanity. I knew all this, but yet all day today, I kept thinking about Russ. I wanted this to work out. Hopefully it will. That whole "Third Time's the charm" thing. Yet, I still had this fear boiling up inside of me. This feeling that, like the others, I'll end up screwing this up. My track record isn't all that favorable in this matter. Granted that I've never technically had a real relationship, but I can't help fear that I'll end up scaring this one away like I have before with all my quirks. Not that many people can handle me, and I don't really think anyone knows what to do with me! Well, except for Dan, that is. The only thing that is even reomotely killing this fear is the fact that Russ isn't like James or Andrew. You can say that he is from my "circle of people," for lack of a better term. I'm not going to go into much about it, mostly because I can't. All I can tell you is that he knows what's up and can be alot better than James ever could be. At least, that's what he says. I'm not doubting his word in any form. Hell, I'm the kind of person that will believe you if you tell me a fish story so outragous that everyone is laughing at you. Gullable? Maybe. Too trusting? Most definately. My greatest flaw and strength. I really want this to work. I want a boy that will love me for me and can put up with me and someone I can love back because he loves me for me. I don't care about anything else.

It's strange. I know no one is reading this. I know that if someone is and they want to contact me, they can't. So why am I even writing? A question that I keep asking myself every time I log in. What do I hope to gain from all this venting and complaining and logging in seemingly useless and boring entries? Just what is it I want from this place I have claimed as my own in cyberspace? Attention? A better understanding of myself? Some kind of meaning to a life I know nothing about? The answer to one of the most asked question I get as to what it is that I am thinking? What am I doing this for? What purpose do I have to continue?

I know deep down somewhere the answer is just screaming its head off. Why can't I hear it?

You know, for someone that acts so stupid and knows so much trivial knowledge, I can get really philisophical even if I can't spell the word. The thing is, that deep thinking of mine is a major social flaw. I always seem to do it at the most inapproprite times no matter how much I don't want to get into it. You know, kind of like that person on the bus that won't shut up because they are obessed about something that you really don't give a damn about. The funny and ironic thing is that I don't have any life experiance to even say what I'm saying right now. I don't deserve the right to. I mean, what do I know? Here I am, all of twenty years old, sitting at home where I've lived most of my life wondering what my next move is while still gambling on a dream that has time and time again proved to be so far out of my reach that I would need one of those extend-a-grip claws to get within an inch of it! Do I really have any kind of merit to say the things I say here? Actually, I do. The only merit I can think of is the fact that this is my life. Yes, it's pathetic and could be better. Okay, it could be worlds better, but I still have a right to express my own opinion. Even the most pig-headed of Republicans has the right to say what they thing should and shouldn't be. It's called free speach. The freedom to say whatever I want. But still, I don't think my opinions matter that much in the long run. After all, I'm no one important to anyone.

I think I've done enough mindless ranting.

My God! I found a mirror of the story! Too bad it's too late to read it.

Tonight, while on Bored.com because I was, well, bored, I saw a link to a story that just seemed really rediculous. It was about a guy that, for no real reason, deposited a fake check from those get-rich-quick junk letters not thinking it would be cashed. The thing is, it did get cashed. That's just the begining.

I got up to a part where he started looking up all these laws and by-laws. It turned out that he could legally keep the money since the bank screwed up. The story looked like he was going to sue the bank. I was about to click the link to the next page when the server just disappeared off the face of the internet! That's like having a movie in the theater suddenly break because of the heat of the light bulb just as they are about to tell you who the killer is!

In any event, if the servers come back, click here to read about it. In the meantime, I'll be waiting patiently to find out what happend to this guy.... if the servers ever come back online.

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Today was a busy day for me. Must have come from the boredom. I did my laundry (which was weeks overdue) as well as make some babingka. I also played some DDR for the first time in a long time. (Damn you, Pokemon!) It was actually really refreashing. The only thing I don't like about playing that game at home is that I don't get to show off. The good thing is that I don't have to pay any cash to play it. Oh, if only I could live at DisneyQuest. Free DDR and major foot traffic where that machine is at. It's like a match made in heaven... if heaven has an arcade, which I'm sure it does.

Something strange happened this morning. I didn't think of James like I normally do. I thought about Russ when I woke up. It confused me alot. I wonder if it has anything with the fact he told me that he loves me just before he signed off last night. James rarely, if ever, said that to me let alone hinted it. I don't know, maybe I'm reading into things too much again. That's what happens when you're bored and then something pops into your head.

Today was one of those days where you actually can sleep through it all. Why? Well, the rain sure helps out.

Last night before I went to bed, I was getting undressed to the sound of a thunderstorm. As the rain hit the roof, I fell fast asleep. I didn't wake up until the rain ended around noon. Then, it started up again after about an hour or so. Yup, and back to sleep I went. I don't know what it is, but the sound of rain always is so soothing. It only lasted about half an hour. After five minutes, it began to hale (is that the right spelling?)! It never does that here! Dad always wanted it to just to see the people panic at the sight of it. I mean, if they don't know how to drive in snow, imagin what they would do when they see ice falling from the sky the size of push-pins. Hell, imagine what they would be doing if they were golf-ball sized!! In any event, it didn't last long before we just started getting heavy rain and thundering. I slept through the whole thing and didn't wake up untill around 19:00. By then, I had literally slept the entire day away!

I think that's cool.

Damn, what a hellish time I've had the last 48 hours.

For starters, yesterday was an emotional roller coaster!

The night before/Early yesterday morning, James got really emotional. He got so angry that he got stupid. He got angry over the fact that he can't find a boyfriend. I kept trying to calm him down, but failed at every turn. That's when things got really fucked up. Wanting to end it all, James shot himself. The last I heard last night was from Russ. They were at the hospital. James was pronounced DOA. Then that was it. A sudden sign off. Leaving me on that noted started my day yesterday on a bad note. I was depressed, then angry, then lonely. Back to back emotions that were bad in every which way! Later that night while I was doing some computer tests, Dan called. In all honesty, I was expecting a call saying when a funeral was going to be. What I got was nothing short of amazing! It turned out that James missed! He couldn't even aim the gun right to kill himself! He got only a flesh wound and a broken spirit. Both of which could be healed with time and some "me" time. If only you can know what it was like to be releaved from all that grief. It felt so good that nothing could bother me from that point on!

Boy, was I wrong.

Okay, rewind a bit. During the day yesterday while I was going through emotions, my mother and I went back to Best Buy. It turned out they gave us a model with a faulty video card! Since it's been only about 4 days since we bought it, their policy was to replace it with an identical newer model from the back. We got the switch up and left. The thing is, we forgot about the hard drive. We had to reinstall EVERYTHING all over again! And when I say "we," I really mean me. So all day, here I was hooking up wires, reseting the cable modem, plugging in a new surge protector, reinstalling, reseting to see if it will boot up again, repeating that for every program. I got so frustrated at one point with all the reinstalling and reseting that I stopped once I was sure that the internet and AIM worked. Later that night when I cooled down, I put in everything but the scanner. Apparently WinXP doesn't recognize it. We had to install it with the CD that came with it.

Okay, now fast-forward to this morning. I woke up early and sick. I mean really sick. I felt like my eyes would not stop tearing and my nose would harden a snotball so big it would block my nasel passages. On top of that, my chest felt like my lungs were going to pop out of them like one of those Face-Huggers from the movie Aliens. It just made the task of installing the scanner just too hard to do. The good thing is that before I got out of bed, my mother found the missing installation CD for it. I booted that sucker up and followed the prompts. It turned out that we needed to use the USB cable instead of the big printer-like one. Hey, we have 6 USB ports. One shouldn't be a problem, right? Well, only if you can't find the cable. The first thing that came to mind was to look in the box the scanner came in with. That was stupid, because my mother had stuffed the box with burlap and sea shells for some art project that has yet to be. The cable ended up being in our wire drawer in the entertainment center. All would be cool if it weren't for the fact that WinXP still didn't read the scanner. Not sure what happened, I looked at troubleshotter. It turned out they don't know what happened either and suggested to call the maker for tech support. Mom didn't really want to call. I think she was afraid we would get charged. We noticed that there was a web site for tech help. We then filled out the form and waited. They said they would get back to us in an hour. That's when I popped in Contact while I waited. When I checked my mail, there was a reply exactly an hour after we sent our problem. It turns out that everything should work, but there is something wrong with how the scanner program's drivers were set up as far as USB compatability goes. We were using a scanner that wasn't WinXP compatible. Go figure, huh? After downloading a patch, everything started working the way they are suppose to. I made a restore point to make sure that nothing screws up. If it does, the restore point can send us back in time.

I think that my allergies are stronger now because I'm not as active as I used to be (moving around going to class to class, gym class, DDR, mall walking, etc.) or because there is more pollen in the air. In any event, today was murder on the eyes, nose, and lungs. The funny thing is that my dad's chili cleared my sinuses so fast that my runny nose is no longer a problem! Now that's good chili.

If only I can figure out why my lungs still feel like they are going to blow my chest open like a Face-Hugger.

I knew I was in for it when the phone rang at 23:14 last night.

It was Dan. He was pissed! I swear, my heart was racing faster than it normally does when I'm just standing there scared. That's the kind of effect that guy has on me. What can I say? The phone call was short and to the point. Get your shit together or get off the pot. Cut out all the rediculous behavior that I've been doing for the last two days and make up my mind. Do I want to be a part of their circle or not? Well, duh, I do! It may not be what I want, but the truth of the matter is that without AIM, I have nothing! I won't have a chance to get what I want and that is to be with them. Unless I get my shit together and quit being such a butthead, I will be miserable for the rest of my life!

That was all I needed. With that, I popped open a new AIM name... after almost imeddiately going to the bathroom to shit.

What? Dan litterally scared the shit out of me!

Ever have one of those freaky moments where you were scared for your life even though you knew deep down you were really safe?

I just had one on Yahoo. I was checking my mail and reading up on some of the posts to some of the groups I have signed up for when I got this e-mail from someone that worked for BG East by the name of Kid Leopard. For those of you that haven't checked out the link at the bottom, BG East is a gay wrestling site. These guys may be gay, but they can beat the shit out of anyone if need be. It turned out that I did something I wasn't suppose to that infrindged a copyright with BG. I didn't know, and freaked out a bit. In any event, I compiled and followed Leopard's request.

For someone that lives on the other side of the country from me, he can really scare me with just words.

I hate this computer. It's only been three days and this computer has already given me greif.

Today, I had to restart this eMachine about 5 times to just get online and blog this. Before that, I did some checks to see if there may be something internal that I'm not aware of. This meant that I went and did some disk defraging and clean up. I made sure I recorded a restore point after that. Should anything happen from this point on, it should be interesting. It's weird, though. Everything that we have done to this point should not have caused such a major boot failure. It can't be the power either. So what is causing all this?

Earlier today, after I bloged about how my allergies were killing me, I slept and drank as much water as my bladder could hold. Maybe I could piss the pollen out. Stupid, but it's better than sitting there sniffling and tearing like I am at some funeral.

I also started thinking about something Mark said to me about my loyalty to the guys. I won't go into details about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I missed the guys. I was thinking about going on AIM and making a new screen name. The thing is, the more I thought about making a new screen name, the more I didn't want to make one. Online is great and all, and I miss the attention alot. I won't lie about that. It's just the pain of not being there when I need to be that makes me not want to do it ever again. The lack of actually interacting with someone. Being text on a screen may be one thing, but actually being there is another thing. In all honesty, I rather be able to move in with them than create a new AIM name. Yes, I know that communications are going to be limited (if any). Yes, I know I'm potentially making a big mistake. They are a major part of my life. They will be hard to forget and even harder to talk to online. If I could have my way, I'd be over there right now instead of blogging on a computer that could potentially not boot up tomorrow. The thing is, I never could get what I really wanted. Oh, sure, I got Pokemon Crystal and the Who Framed Roger Rabbit DVD, but those things where just compensating for what I lack. And I don't mean my penis size, you sicko. They are just there to help me forget that I don't have anyone to turn to and talk to. Sure, AIM could fill that void, but I've been there. It hasn't. It just makes it worst. It makes my heart hurt and yern for someone to be able to come down here or a chance for me to just send every atom of my being through the internet to there end. Call be greedy, but AIM just isn't enough to fill this social void that needs to be filled. At least when it involves the ones I love.

I really hate this time of year, this year in particular.

My allergies are attacking me in full force every waking moment I have!

It's amazing what a Windows Update can do to a computer.

For some odd reason, I was able to boot the computer in one after downloading all the patches and updates for this system as supplied by Microsoft. Pretty cool, huh?

I'm starting to miss AIM, and is thinking about putting up another screen name. Then I keep remembering all the things that have happened recently and how everywhere I turn, I mess things up. As if looking for some kind of explination, I turned to my horoscopes. There was one that I found on Newgrounds.com that I had to agree with.

Your romantic interests this week are (like) a box of chocolate-covered donuts. They're so tempting, so decadent, so sinful, so scrumptious. Their sweet smell lures you in. You touch them ever so gently — oooh, so soft. Bring them to your lips — they practically melt in your mouth. But after eating them up, you feel guilty, dirty, unclean even. They sit in a heavy, rotting lump in the pit of your stomach. So go easy on the donuts this week, don't bite off more than you can chew, and limit your intake to one every few days. Dunkin Donuts coffee is, however, acceptable (screw Starbucks, that DD stuff is good, man).

In other words, don't talk to James. In fact, don't talk to anyone over there for now! They are just hurting you, and you don't need that. Bringing you down when you want to be on cloud nine. Sending you to hell when you are on seventh heaven. Not talking to them is a good thing for you... for now.

Okay, so I'm not really one to listen to horoscopes, but still, it makes sense to me. Call it stupidity, call is stupidstision, call it being-miss-Cleo. I don't care! I dig the weird, the unexplained, and the feared as far as supernatural stuff goes.

Besides, I don't know much about anything as far as life is concerned. Might as well put my life in the hands of the stars and hope they know what they are talking about every now and then.

Today was annoying... and that was putting it lightly.

Last night, I learned that I don't know enough about anything to ever form an opinion that has any kind of merit. This translates into ultimately saying that I cannot say what's on my mind because I'm stupid in all but one feild. That feild that I'm good at is useless unless I'm planning on going on a game show of some kind. And, no, I don't intend to go on one. As such, I'm not really all that talkative anymore. Socializing has become a dangerous pasttime with me from now on. Not only can I not get close with someone because once I do they will only hate me and be annoyed by me, but now I am so stupid that I can speak my mind if I wanted to! The only safe-haven for my First Amendment rights is this blog.

Well, like always, today when I woke up, I was feeling really bad at myself. To escape, I played my video games, got bored, then went back to sleep. Since my mother has no job as of yet, she was cleaning the house and going here and there. When she said she was going to pick up my sister, I opted to go. I couldn't get back to sleep anyway.

The ride to downtown to pick up my sister was hell. I kept sneezing because of my allergies to pollen. Why was I sneezing so bad in the car? Well, mom had the windows open because she didn't want to turn on the AC because she is hot. Thanks for torturing me, MOM. On our way home, Jessica called up dad to see if he was going to Sam's Club so she can have him pick up some Goldfish crackers. I opted to tag along too. I was told that there was a good deal on the Gameboy Advance SP there that I wanted to check out.

The deal at Sam's was a nice one. For $130, you got the GBA SP, Zelda: A Link to the Past, and the stratagy guide. Dad told me to hold on to it since there were only seven left. He then told me to call up mom to get approval on if I could have it.

The phone call was interesting to say the least. It turns out that we have some computer issues, mainly with the boot up. The good thing it's only minor and not as annoying. The other computer issue we have is that AIM decided to close our AIM screen names. Why? Well, Jessica put something rather naugthy into her profile that AOL didn't like. It broke the Terms of Service, and because of that all the accounts, including mine, were froze. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I wasn't happy with this. Since I've decided to only talk and express myself here on blogger, AIM is useless now. Talking to Dan and Jack and James was fun, but lately things have been going down hill. I can't say what exactly, because quite frankly, I don't know what's going on. All that I know is that on there end, no one seems to be interested in talking on IMs anymore. You can say that this AIM freeze is a blessing in deguise. Anyway, when I talked to mom, it turned out I can't get the GBA SP bundle. Why? Because I already got the two cheapest things on my list as far a birthday presents go! That's more than enough as far as my mom thinks. Well, since she does hold the cash in the house, I put it back like a good boy. I really didn't want to, but I have no say in the matter anyways. I mean, she lost her job! The thing is $130! Think of the debt!

While at Sam's, I kept thinking to myself as to why my dad said to go ahead and hold on of the bundle packs. I had this hope that he was going to buy it for me, but since he always consults anything finacial with mom, it was highly unlikely. In it's place, however, dad picked up a small container of mushrooms for my Greek Quesodillia. That's just a regular quesodillia only on peta bread. Still, knowing how my nights are going to be a bit of a torture for a while, a GBA SP would have held me over longer than 20 ounces of mushrooms.

Tonight should prove interesting. If Jack even reads my blog anymore, I'm sure he'll find this. Maybe pass it on. I hope he does.

By the way, just so you know, this isn't an April Fools joke. I'm not very good a pulling off pranks to begin with.