I tried to get my mind off things. I don't know why I do that. It's been a few days and all I can think about was James and Bill and what happened the other night. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry it did. At times, I wish I never knew how to communicate my thoughts. Like I was some drone out to just do what everyone said. My own feelings are just a mess. I don't know how to come off to people, and when I think I came off a certain way, I didn't. My sense of logic is anything but logical. What am I? I can't be human. Humans don't do this. Sure, they make mistakes, but how can one human make so many and still be alive? How can I, a human, be this screwed up? Maybe I'm just some part of some alien operation or something. Maybe I was dropped when I was little. Maybe it's my environment and how everyone made me an outcast by saying I don't meet up to their standards. Maybe it's my depression. Maybe I'm just trying to find something to blame other than myself. Maybe there isn't anything to blame.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. Other times, things just happen. Reason or not, what I did was stupid. I never was the sharpest knife in the drawer. I always wasn't smart enough, fast enough, strong enough, good enough. I always had to have someone tell me what to do, what was right and wrong, if I made it on time or not. I never could do anything for myself. The only things I have done for myself is aquire that which makes me a dork. A blog that doesn't work half the time, an account for spam, six virtual pets that talk to me, a rank as a knight of a land that doesn't exist, the ability to say what Flash moves suck or not, actually listening to an animated octopus that tells me how to cook meatloaf. What good will those bring me? I have done nothing for myself. I have done nothing.

I am nothing. Nothing important. I'm just a no-account drifter. Can't even figure out how to say thank you properly. Can't even talk right. Hell, I can't even think streight. Kicked around like a government mule, and like one can't really fight back. I've said it several times. I'm better off dead. Why God still has me on here, I don't know. Maybe He has some plan that I just don't see yet. Some ultimate design I'm not opening my eyes to for me. At this point, I'd be very surprized if Jesus Christ himself said to me that I'm suppose to be this great person. Like I have the power to change the world or make a mark. I just wish I knew what I was good for. All I'm seem good for doing is playing video games and messing up stuff. Great, that will get me far. I just wish I was better at something else.

I need major help.