Oh boy... Fan art has really lost it. Hey, at least it's the best of both worlds for me cartoon-wise. (Yes, I'm a fan of the PowerPuff Girls too. Step off, ok?)

Question: How is it possible for me to singe my 3 foot confort pillow in the washer?

Answer: Friction.

Well, now I know better. Huh?! The tag said "Spot clean ONLY"?! Well, screw that. Guess I only know how to clean my clothes and sheets and not my pillows.

From DDR Freak - Machine Locations:

Pizza Planet Arcade (MGM PARK Disney World) - DDR USA
DisneyQuest - US 1st Mix
Video Arcade (Tomorrowland, Magic Kingdom) - Disney's Rave

Impressive. Disney actually owns some DDR machines. The ones that are in the park cost $1 per game + Park Admission, which I have to say is really costly since one day passes are $50. Good news is that the one at DisneyQuest is free when you pay to get in! (Even if the mix they have sucks.) How cool is that? Now I can show off on Brillent2U all I want! ...or untill someone better comes along to pop my ego.

Hmm... "Pizza Planet".... isn't that from Toy Story? Cool! Just remember not to play after downing a pizza and drink. That's like going swiming on a full stomach without waiting half an hour. And how fitting that Disney's Rave is at Tomorrowland. After all, DDR is the video game of tomorrow! No more couch potatos!! But let's not go there, ok?

I wonder what the crowd is like there? Then again, I wonder if any of the characters walking around the park can play? Nah, it would be too embarrassing to be beaten by a duck with a habit of blowing his top if he loses.

From a Lauderdale Strip review post:

To make the whole thing even more depressing, after an almost endless collection of outtakes, the film ends by telling us that Austin Gordon is dead and that this horrible film is in memoriam to him.

SHIT! The cute ones are always that die young. That sucks. I was hoping to stalk him. (Okay, so I'm kidding about the stalking part.)

Yes & No

Mom just had to make this one harder to post by taking the laptop away for business.

Anyway, this is for my sister. She starts Driver's Ed next week, and this Flash movie I found on NewGrounds seems more than approriate.

Oh yes! Finally! Some decent preview pictures of Troy Baker getting his abs kicked and abused. The upper left one I like. It looks as if he is about to colapse in pain after the beating.

I keep running into her. The same nameless girl that I always run into when ever I go to play DDR. This time she was working at Tilt. What is this? Some kind of cosmic sign for something? It's just odd.

Anyway, I got to go play a few rounds of DDR 3rd Mix. I spent only $1.50, which is better than the $5 I normally spend at Jillian's. I'm really out of it on some of my favorite songs. I actually FAILED my favorite song! I haven't failed Dynamite Rave since I got the home version. I'm really out of shape now.

In other news, I learned about that DDR TouriMIX that is happening locally here. Here are the specks to the best of my memory.

Place: Hickory Hollow Mall's Tilt
Machine: Dance Dance Revolution 3rd Mix ASIAN (more than likely)
Date: July 12th
Times: Registration @ 13:00; Compitition @ 14:00
Divisions: Perfect Attack, Freestyle, SSR, Trick, and Double
Exibitionists: None as of this time

The girl said I could play, but after failing my favorite song, I started to have second thoughts. On top of that, how would I get there? Dad's working at noon and can't get me to the mall. I could take a cab, but I really don't want to tap into my $100 bill I have. Maybe I can see if I could watch it instead of actually being in it if somoene can take me. I'm not that good anyway. Besides, I'm still out of shape.

I really needed this DDR session. I feel better now.

Just when I thought I had another good day coming, it turned sour.

Last night/early this morning, I was faced with a bad and frankly unwanted choice. Bill felt like I should be with Andrew and not with James because Andrew loved me the longest. I started to get scared and paniced when I was told I was faced with a choice between the two. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That included Bill's. I love everyone on there end. On top of that, Bill and I had started to form a bond over the last few days. My track record shows that when that happens, I end up scaring him away or making him mad at me to where he says "Forget you, dude!" and just bails. I didn't want that to happen either especially not after getting this close to him.

Now things are a mess again. I tried to explain why I hesitated to pick to James, but he didn't want to listen. He thinks since I didn't pick him right away (which I ended up picking up anyway) that I don't love him as much as he thought I do. He's doubting my feelings towards him.

Would I be beating myself up right now and feeling like this if I didn't love him?

Hmmm... a Lauderdale Strip preview page.... Got to remember that...

Last night proved interesting.

I learned that Bill's birthday is less than two months out (August 23), and that I have a nack for being a travel agent like mom said earlier when I was laying down the specks for the Animal Kingdom park. How do I know? Well, when I was talking to Bill about what I found out was new, I kind of got him so excited that he litterally wanted to go that moment last night. He's never been to a theme park, and I really want to spoil him. He wants to go there for his birthday. Hey, what better present is that then to go to the theme park for the first time in your life on your birthday?

Now I have a bigger, more ligitiment reason for leaving as early as possible. After we come back from Florida, I'm going to have to tell the folks that I need to leave before the 10th to make it in time to Bill's birthday party cause I'm invited. I know, that's 13 days prior, but I need that time. Besides, I'll just make him have his birthday earlier in my parents' eyes. They'll forget by next year anyway. It's not like he's their kid or anything.

Now my only worry right now is figuring out how to tell my folks to where they will understand I have to be there.

From The Jazz Messengers:

For the month of July, the Adult Swim Action schedule will look a bit strange. Here's the full ASA schedule for June 22 29 - August 3rd, from Toonzone ( times are EST):

Double crap...

Saturday, June 29th
11:00 PM Yu Yu Hakusho (Seiryu The Blue Dragon)
11:30 PM Cowboy Bebop (Session 16: Black Dog Serenade)
12:00 AM Gundam 0083 (Gundam, To The Sea of Stars)
12:30 AM Mobile Suit Gundam (Escape From Luna II)
1:00 AM Outlaw Star (Demon of the Water Planet)
1:30 AM Pilot Candidate (Pro Ing)

Okay, normal this Saturday...

Saturday, July 6th
11:00 PM Yu Yu Hakusho (Suzaku, Leader of the Beasts)
11:30 PM Yu Yu Hakusho (Seven Ways To Die)
12:00 AM Yu Yu Hakusho (Yusuke's Sacrifice)
12:30 AM Yu Yu Hakusho (Yusuke's Back)
1:00 AM Yu Yu Hakusho (Gouki and Kurama)
1:30 AM Yu Yu Hakusho (Byakko, the White Tiger)

HUH?! Okay, I think I gave this series a bit too much credit for not being like DBZ, but I guess I spoke too soon now. This day is going to be really stupid.

Saturday, July 13th
11:00 PM Yu Yu Hakusho (Three Eyes of Hiei)
11:30 PM Yu Yu Hakusho (The Search Begins)
12:00 AM Yu Yu Hakusho (Kuwabara's Spirit Sword)
12:30 AM Yu Yu Hakusho (Hard Fights for Yusuke)
1:00 AM Yu Yu Hakusho (Rando Rises, Kuwabara Falls)
1:30 AM Yu Yu Hakusho (Yusuke vs. Rando: 99 Attacks)

Another stupid line up...

Saturday, July 20th
11:00 PM Cowboy Bebop (Session 1: Asteroid Blues)
11:30 PM Cowboy Bebop (Session 5: Ballad of Fallen Angels)
12:00 AM Cowboy Bebop (Session 12: Jupiter Jazz, Part One)
12:30 AM Cowboy Bebop (Session 13: Jupiter Jazz, Part Two)
1:00 AM Cowboy Bebop (Session 25: The Real Folk Blues, Part One)
1:30 AM Cowboy Bebop (Session 26: The Real Folk Blues, Part Two)

Now this should be interesting. These are the core plot episodes of Cowboy Bebop. Not that the others aren't as important or anthing, but this is the real meat of the series. I may watch this just to see how the feel of it is. Could be good.

Saturday, July 27th
11:00 PM Cowboy Bebop (Session 3: Honky Tonk Woman)
11:30 PM Cowboy Bebop (Session 6: Sympathy for the Devil)
12:00 AM Cowboy Bebop (Session 8: Waltz for Venus)
12:30 AM Cowboy Bebop (Session 16: Black Dog Serenade)
1:00 AM Cowboy Bebop (Session 20: Pierrot Le Fou)
1:30 AM Cowboy Bebop (Session 23: Brain Scratch)

Introducing Faye, talking about how Wen got stuck being young, Venus sickness, how Jet lost his arm, a tribute to Batman: The Animated Series, and an episode saying that television is the new religion of mankind. I thought I saw a theme here, but I guess not. Maybe I'll watch it... maybe...

Saturday, August 3rd
11:00 PM Yu Yu Hakusho (Yusuke's Sacrifce)
11:30 PM Cowboy Bebop (Session 17: Mushroom Samba)
12:00 AM Gundam 0083 (The Warrior of Von Braun)
12:30 AM Mobile Suit Gundam (Re-Entry To Earth)
1:00 AM Outlaw Star (Between Life and Machine)
1:30 AM Pilot Candidate (Land Battle)

Damn, rerun city. It's a good thing I'm on vacation then.

If you're trying to watch CB in order, I've bolded the three two episodes you need to watch to keep up. If you've never seen CB before, I advise against watching the marathons. For those of you who have seen it before though, the first "core plot" marathon could be interesting (I've never watched the episodes in that way before, so I think I'll watch that marathon myself).

I'd listen to her if I didn't watch Bebop in order either. Thank goodness the only episode I missed was Cowboy Funk.

From The Jazz Messengers:

6/23/02 -- Cowboy Bebop: The Movie?! Goddamnit. . . - From Anime News Service:

Daniel has obtained the following from the Egyptian Theater (Hollywood) Catalog:

The Cowboy Bebop movie will be showing Sunday August 11 at 5 p.m. at the Egyptian theater in Hollywood. As mentioned earlier, the title has been changed from "Knockin On Heaven's Door" to simply "Cowboy Bebop: The Movie". It will be presented in Japanese with subtitles. Running time seems to be 120 minutes, which is around the same time as Jonah's R2 version; thus no content should be edited post-9/11 as rumoured. Unfortunately, I haven't seen the original in raw or fansubbed format, and I can't make it to see this version. Therefore, if there's anyone else who has seen the film and who can make it, feel free to do so and report on anything that could be edited. (such as the rumoured Yoko Kanno music).

I second the motion; if anyone makes it to this showing, please, please take notes and send in a report. As for Yoko Kanno's music being edited, personally I'm not a bit worried about it. I saw the original "report" about that on AICN; the story was full of holes and the source was far from reliable. It does seem to be the case that they're renaming the film to "the movie" instead of "Knockin' On Heaven's Door", though. >_< Thanks to Roger Smith for pointing out this news to me.

God, once again Hollywood screws up a good thing. I really wish I could call up whoever is in charge of domesticating this movie and fire their ass for screwing the fans out of what they want.

Well, now I know why I can't play any of my old games with sound.

I found out today as I was playing Day of the Tentacle that most of the games are old and dated back to when Sound Blaster monopolized the sound card industry for computer. Well, that was back in 1994. I guess sound cards are just to advance for the games. Kind of strange though. You would think it would be compatible since it said you needed Sound Blaster as a MINIMUM requirement.

Technology is so fickle.

I need to remember about this walkthru for Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis for later. Whoever wrote this has played the game more times than I have and knows what to do in every little detail.

Ok, I'm either really stupid, really excited, or insane.

Ok, so I went through all my stuff that I previously packed into bags to make room for one carry-on for Florida in July. I bet you are wondering "NOW?!" Frankly, I am now. I mean, it's a whole month away. I don't know. Maybe the new clothes went to my head. (Yeah right, suuuuuuure.)

Wow, Sam & Max can run on the laptop. What do you know?

It kind of sucks since there isn't any sound playing, but hey, at least I didn't forget how to get throw the game.

Aloha!

Boy, what a day. Business and pleasure all in one day. Yes, they said that that kind of stuff isn't possible unless you are having an affair with your secritary, but hey, what do I know, right?

Today I got up early. My main goal for the day was to try and see if I could go and see Lilo & Stitch. Sidetracked? You bet I was.

First, I was reminded to get some shorts for Florida since I don't have any that fit me. So I grew four mesly inches since I was 10 in the waist. So sue me. I didn't bother trying on any of the short at Wal-Mart. Mostly cause I knew they'd fit anyway. They are all 32's. If they didn't fit, they were all draw-strings as well. Except for one that had a funny belt that looked like it came off the shopping cart seat where you buckle in your toddler. Out of the corner of my eye, I found a nice looking Ahola shirt with an African print. If that made any sense to you, then you and me have something in common. After getting my shirt and shorts, I needed sandels. The ones I own are small, and the cork sole is getting eaten away by something. I didn't bother guessing my shoe size since I knew I haven't grown any since Freashmen year as far as my feet goes, so I just grabed the first thing that appealed to me. Ironically, I had this safari theme going with all my purchases. Hey, I'm going to be using it for the Animal Kingdom anyway.

After that, we had the idea to help dad at the store so we could go to Opry Mills for whatever reason. Well, at least I didn't have to ask. Everyone kind of knew already, which was odd. I would have thought they'd forget after the uhm-teenth time. Guess I'm finally getting some attention or something. Well, at least it was better than asking myself.

At Opry Mills, I was dropped off first to get in line to buy my ticket. Surprisingly, I was expecting there to be more families than there were really at the showing I was at. The whole row in front of me were adults only. Strange for a family movie let alone a Disney film.

Review of Lilo & Stitch
Now this was Disney at it's funniest. I loved Lilo and just how she was during the movie. I really connected with her. The strange one that has only herself as a friend. The dreamer that wants to have nothing more than someone that would love her and not run away. Stitch was just as adorible. I have to admit, when I first saw him, I thought that the Disney animators where on crack when they drew this six-armed, fluffy, big-eyed, blue alien with a high-pitched E.T.-ish voice. It's amazing how they make him so lovible in the movie. You can't help by go "Awwww" a few times to yourself. One of the characters, David, reminded me of my cousin Micheal. He's an easy going surfer/firefighter. Now if only he was as lean as the David character. The comedy is very different. Quirky lines that only a 6-year-old could get away with, slap stick, even a few fast jokes that only adults would get. This one I can't wait to get on video... or DVD if I have one by then. (Yeah, right.)

After the movie, typical me had to spend the remaning money on something. I had $4 left from the $6 matinee (damn, have movie tickets gone up.), so what did I do? Well, Jillian's is right there, so I popped them in and played some DDR. I've become such a show off. I actually caused what was probibly my biggest crowd in my entire arcade playing history! Ok, so maybe it really wasn't as big as some crowds could get, but it was big enough for me to feel special. After my first game, I looked around at all the faces. Some smiling, some shocked, some questioning, all of them old parents. As I started to get off, I saw a group of teenagers my age range. James ran though my head. He said the next time I do that to find someone and start talking to them as best I could. I tried to get them to go on the machine, but they were all afraid they'd look like dorks after what I did. I was the bigger dork though. One of them had a mesh jersey on, and I could see his six pack abs. Hey, I have a thing for tone abs. It was distracting, but at least I talked some. I kind of feel like I only did half the job, but we all have to start somewhere, right?

Time was against me, and I had to play the good son and meet the family at the food court. About half way there, I ran into my sister who was off to Tower Records to find a CD. She found a CD and a formor gym classmate working there. I decided to see if mom would like to use the Hawaiian songs from the movie for her little tropicla/Survivor-themed payroll confress. I got the soundtrack there too. I showed her when we caught up with them. When we passed the Tiki Tilo on our way to the car, I found that I got the CD at Tower cheaper! I still wish I had the balls to buy the Lilo hula doll and the Stitch plushie. By this time I've already spent too much. I only had a couple of ones, some coins, and a $100 bill I didn't want to break out. Hey, I don't want to look like some Richie Rich kid.

Now, my sister wants burgers for dinner, everyone is too tired to cook. Thing is, as I'm blogging this, they are all asleep. Oh well.

It's Saturday! And you know what that means!


Xaio Xaio No. 3
brought to you by NewGrounds

Again, I apologize about the size. I need it to fit in the table. If the movie is unable to load, Newgrounds is either experiancing server problems or has redone their file structure. I do not have this Flash movie on any servers that I own/pay for. Sorry, but I'm cheap like that.

Watch this and tell me you don't think it's cool. I dare you! I wonder if this can be done in live action form? Now that would be mega-cool!

It's amazing. I did all this work on looking up stuff that would be helpful for our trip in Florida when we see the the Animal Kingdom, and now I got nothing to do!

Well, maybe I can go see Lilo & Stitch this weekend or something.

It's times like this I wish I had a better computer and some fun games or something. (I've been saying "or something" alot lately, huh?) Then again, I'd love to just be in the company of James. Just having him around would be enough for me. Hey, what can I say? I'm easily pleased.

Well well well, that was interesting.

My sister brought home her first boyfriend.

Wanna know what sucks about it? He's cute!! He's right up my ally, kind of. Blond, lean, soft spoken. Guess my sister and I have the same taste in guys. I don't know. Kind of wish he wasn't straight given what has happened with James. Oh well, maybe fate will be with me and something good will happen between James and me again. Then again, fate could be against me and nothing will happen. Either way I can't do much about it.

-*.*.*-The French Lingerie Club-*.*.*- offers French underwear for your Sims. Too bad I had to use the language translater to read it. Still, I think I found a replacement for those PJs that come with the expansion packs I read about.

The Wage of Sim has yet another nude male Sims mapping with some rather large "members." I still think James's is bigger though.

Heh, I found the Nude Sims! @ The Sims Hangout. Now all I need is to buy the Sims... when I get a computer that can handle it, that is.

I got to remember about Mickey's Sims-A-Go-Go! if I ever get The Sims and all their many expansion packs so I can dress all my guys in some cool (however gay) outfits!

Now, if only I knew where to find that one skin that makes your Sims into nudists. I'd like to see my Sim guys walking around with nothing but a smile on. I know, it's sick, but hey.

It came to me in a dream.

There are three prominent parts of my personallity that seem to be in full swing more than any other part of me.

One of them is the really smart self. The part that makes anyone feel dumb sometimes cause I'm always informed or I retained the knowledge. While it is still nowhere near it's optimium level, it's still good enough to understand what even the smartest person is saying.

Another one of them is the clueless self. This part is the one that acts the age I'm suppose to, but at the same time has no clue what I'm doing. This is where the innocence comes from in me. The part where all my stupid, seemingly-intolerable actions are executed. Where accedents happen all the time.

The last part is the baby self. This is the part of myself that needs to be comforted and told that it's okay and everything will be fine in the morning. The part that cries and rants and gets all dark and moody cause I see no hope like a child lost in the mall during Christmas shopping season looking for their mommy. The part that has to be shown alot of love before it can ever settle down. If not, a good night sleep should calm it.

Too bad it had to take a dream to tell me. Maybe my subconcious knows myself better than myself.

<bgsound src="http://rfblues.aaanime.net/Seatbelts/M216.ram" controls="smallconsole">
Press play.

James kept saying for me to try harder in what I need to do. Try harder making friends even if they are men old enough to be my dad. Yeah, being in the east, not many teenagers have found out about DDR. All my spectators are mostly parents or drinking buddies. I really wish I got someone my age to talk to. And for that matter someone from my area.

Bill, on the other hand, has a more difficult task. Something I wish I was smarter socailly to do. How do you say that you are sorry for something without saying "I'm sorry" once? True, the right words would have a better impact than just "I'm sorry," but how can you choose the right words when you don't even know how to make friends without looking desprete?

The second half of that song in the Real Player I have a strong connection with. It's talking about how all of a sudden the realization of what needs to be done and what's really waiting for you on the other side of your fears isn't really as bad as you think it is. So you try and try and try some more, but for some reason, you just can't get to it. I feel like that. I feel like I've tried and I've tried to the point where I'm tired but still trying with what little I have left. But I still can't break down my door.

Yup, another article I found about DDR. Can you tell I'm kind of bored? Ok, not as bored to the point where I have to change my iMood indicator, but bored enough to actually read the news.

From OrlandoSentinel.com: Lifestyle:

It also gives players a chance to strut their stuff for each other. Alex Jebailey, a 19-year-old Valencia Community College student, counts himself among the showboats. He says his addiction to the game, which began when he first discovered it at Gameworks, has begun to wane. "Now I just go when I feel like showing off," he says.

Sounds likes me. The only exception is, I go when I know the area is crowded. I'm still not the best out there. I know serveral people who are better than me.

Jebailey, who says he lost 40 pounds in a year of obsessive DDR play, may have reached the peak of his interest in January. That's when he danced on a DDR machine for 13 consecutive hours at the XS Entertainment Complex on International Drive, taking a one-minute break every 10 minutes.

He would have stayed on longer, he says, but the complex had to close. "I'm mad at them for that." He has sent in a video and documentation of his marathon effort to the Guinness Book of World Records and is awaiting notification.

What some people will do to be famous. I hope he makes the record book, though.

COOL! After a year of not signing on, I found out I still have a PlanetOut membership!

Guess bordom pays off sometimes.

From MouseInfo.com: Listen to Disney songs live!:

If you the, listener, don't hear a song and would like too. Or you just want to contribute to the MouseInfo Radio audio library, then please send them to the e-mail address below in the MP3 format. We will also be accepting audio clips of you guys saying, "Your listening to Mouse Info Radio!" and we will then take those and use them on the station.

Too bad I'm down a mic and my Mickey voice sucks. It would have been fun to surprise this fan site with a few Disney character voices saying their little radio gimmic. Oh well.

Another strage dream.

For some reason, I was in the garage of my own house holding Shenee O'Connor hostage with a wierd crossbow-like weapon. Well, it functioned like a crossbow in that it fired arrows but it also had a revolving chamber like a gun. A semi-automatic crossbow? Anyway, for some reason reason she started ranting and then talking about adultry. For some reason, I said that I may have already commited it without knowing it. The next thing I know, she morphs into Satan saying "Foolish mortal, you're mine!" He then seeked his reeper after me. I bolted my way out of the house as fast as I could. I then made a mad dive off the porch.

When I woke up, I felt cold. My heart was beatting fast. My left arm felt cut, but there wasn't a scratch on it.

Thinking that it was just something like the last "Satan" dream I had, I tried to get back to sleep. I succeeded, but all my dreams were like commercials. Thank God I don't remember those.

From CBS News | Video Game That's Good For You | June 14, 2002 10:07:30:

J.P. has a $5-a-day habit. He says if it were not for the machine, he would be spending his time eating.

Now, he spends his lunch time, and money, playing the game. And he can feel the difference.

"In, like, two weeks, I've lost 15 pounds," he says.

What's different about this article is that it was talking about DDR being used in a high school gym class. I hate graduating so early. If I end up being a dreaded P.E. teacher, I'm having a fund raiser to get the school I'm working for a few machines and then getting all my students on it. Hey, it beats running track.

Call this a question of self worth. Call it doubt. Call it whatever you want, but right now I'm really starting to doubt if I even have an impact to change anything for the good of my so-called happiness.

Yeah, that's right, that dying emotion of mine that is only fueled by games, movies, and superficial enjoyments. I can't enjoy life like everyone else can. I don't know what the deal is really. I mean, all I seem to do is cause conflict and trouble. Two things I really don't like to cause, confront, or for that matter be responsible for. Sadly, I can't seem to avoid it. I'm more accedent prone than Jar Jar Binks! The moment I break a DDR machine, then I'll know I'm a good for nothing distruction machine. All I'm good for is distroying things it seems.

I've concluded that the only good thing I can do right now is just be a yes-man to society. I'd do less damage if I just let the world have it's way with me. If it wants to give me good things, cool. If it wants me to have a shitty life, fuck. I can't do a damn thing about it anyway. All I can do is in my off time sink into an arcade with what little money I have to play some DDR, get some exersic, maybe some attention, and try to get happy again.

I really miss those carefree days I used to have before we moved and I had to worry about stupid things like how to have people like me for me without offending them or something along that line.

I need to start listening to some music now. I'm really slipping and music is the only thing that seems to keep me stable at times like this. It's like happy juice or something.

I hate strange dreams I get from something major going down. I also hate waking up to the realiasion that something went wrong last night. Something I'd be very surprise if I could fix. I doubt it.

Anyway, in the dream, I time traveled to a different era wher the only form of technology they had was a UHaul. For some reason, I was the only one that knew things no one didn't. I even saved the house I was in from a vampire. I then proceeded to have some fun and change history a bit. Then I found how I time traveled. Some physic kid that looked alot like Cara from Real World Chicago. She had the ability to displace time and space to a point. Apparently I was in a future where she didn't exsist and had lost some technology that was important for something. I used her help to transport me to the appropriate time with the technology.

See? Told you it was wierd.

Sometimes I think my imagination is going to be my downfall. Come to think of it, it probibly has alread killed me. I don't know, I'm still feeling the effect of last night and I rather not share what happened thanks to an act of stupidity. Maybe later in the day/week, I'll reminise if I find out I couldn't change it with all those e-mails.

This just sucks.

I worked most of my afternoon off looking up stuff for my mother when I could have been playing games or working TV and for some reason it's like it isn't good enough for mom.

All that work for nothing.

Either this is an act of mercy to save my mother the trouble so she can actually have a spontanious vacation when we leave for Florida in late July or I'm becoming like her. I hope it's the first one.

In any case, I took it upon myself (while listening to MouseInfo Radio, the best online radio for all your Disney tune needs) to do some research as to what is in store and how to pefectly get around Disney's Animal Kingdom. Hey, she asked us what we wanted to do, so I said I wanted to check it out. Too bad we each only get one day to do what we want against the other's will. Oh well, at least I got a day were I can call the shot for a change.

So they only have six rides, a discontinued boat tour, and the park closes before sunset. So? I like animals! I love them to death. There are just too many to list really. I'll get my fair share at this place soon.

I wonder if James would like to go one time. I don't think he's ever been to a theme park.

THIS IS A POST BUMP FROM SUNDAY'S ORIGINAL POST FOR LAYOUT PURPOSES. FROM THIS POINT ON, ALL FLASH ANIMATIONS AND GAMES WILL BE POSTED ON SATURDAY.
It should also be noted that if the Flash animation or game doesn't work, then NewGrounds is having server issuse and/or traffic problems.



Ok, let me explain.

I wanted to try something different, so I'm using NewGrounds's server (I know, that's bad) and posting some Flash animations and games to this blog every Sunday since I'm doing a weekly archive and I don't want to kill your computer. This week's first Flash animation I'll be linking to is also brought to you by the good people at 8legged Entertainment and is kind of a commercial for the website as well as something extra!

Enjoy!

(By the way, I'm sorry if you can't read the text or anything. I had to shrink it down so it would fit into the 400 pixel table where the blogs go)

Okay, so I was stupid to fear going to sleep. There was nothing wrong with it!

Now if only I had locked my door to keep my sister out from waking me up just casue she wants to be on the computer and watch TV at the same time...

I was at the computer late one night when my sister had to go to a party (again) and I was to tend dinner with my parents to make them feel good. The catch was that I was going to see a movie with them and my sister after the party. My pick. We drop off my sister at her friends house. I believe the name Carson came into play. We then proceeded to some really fancy resturant where they offered us red wine with our invisible meal. Night became day rather fast, and then my father paid for the meal. On our way out, we saw two people I believe were Carson's parents. They looked rather upscaled. Rich. Like a pair of polititians. The wife made a comment about how their house was a mountainside when we said we were going to pick up my sister. Somehow, the house was closer than usual. Within walking distance. There was drumming from a drum set. When my sister came out, the drumming stoped. She wanted to show us something, so we followed her to the rock porch that was about 50 feet up that she scaled. We took the stairs. At the top, we were greeted by a black eagle. It just hopped over to each of us and gave a squawk like a dog would when sniffing out strangers. Then it flew off. My sister opened a doorway. I saw one of the most beautiful and darkest Gothic hallways I have ever seen. She said this was the "cool room." The moment I set foot in that room, something happened. Everything went gray. My vision became strobed. My sister continued to tell me to walk forward, look on the ground, look on the wall. I did as she told me to. The floor looked like it was still solid, but my legs kept sinking into it. The walls were changing into this gross and putred cave of body parts. My heart started racing. I was feeling scared. The deeper I walked, the more afraid I became. A few wondering souls passed us by. The more souls came, the more I lost track of where my sister was. I continued to walk forward, the hallway walls now papered with several arms and hands reaching out to me as if I was food. Then, as I continued to walk, the ceiling started to lower. I hunched over to avoid the disgusting rock formation that was over head. Suddenly, I was through the tunnel and in this room's upper balcony. My vision still gray, I looked around and saw a leg of a demon! The walls were no longer made of body parts and disgusting rock, but marble. I backed myself into a column/wall out of fear of the demon. Then in a Jabba the Hutt like voice, it said something. It spoke in Latin. I couldn't make out what it said, but it sounded like it was saying "You're soul is mine." Then it just walked off. My vision corrected itself and everything was in color again. My sister and my family were all around me. My sister said something along the lines of "Now this is the dumbass room" to which my mother quickly scolded her. It was fairly dumb. We were on the viewing balcony of some Disney-ish type set for a Christmas play of some kind. Stupid jokes were thrown out and no one laughed. At one point, I noticed my mother and my sister sitting together in each other's arms over the balcony railling. I tried to pull them over, but instead accedently sent them falling off the balcony. No one noticed they fell. I looked over the railing, paniced, to see if they were all right. My sister was the only one that came to her feet. I rushed down to the preformance floor as fast as I could. The show was still going on. I was in tears that I may have accedently killed my mother. Upon checking for a heart beat, I heard one and a soft yet really mad "I'm fine."

I woke up with a strange feeling from that dream. I feeling like that was more than just some dream. Like it was something I was suppose to see. Like someone was telling me something on a symbolic level. My eyes were wide open. I was fully alert.

The first words out of my mouth were, "What was that? Was it real?"

I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. Something told me not to go back to sleep, that I had to blog this dream like it would help me get pass it so I can get to sleep. The thing is, as I was blogging the dream, halfway through it I started to wonder what exactly everything meant. I wonder what really happened when I was asleep. Was I really dead and traveling to Hell? Did I unconsiously sold my soul to Satan? What reason did I dream this dream?

Now, I'm scared.

From Top > Troubleshooting and Error Messages > Archives disappearing on Blogger:

Question

Why are my Archives disappearing?

Answer

What is means: some configuration changes on our end have resulted in some occasional errors for some people's blogs, where one week or month's archive disappears from their archive index. Nothing is ever deleted or lost in Blogger (your posts are safe in our database), so the problem is simply that the archive index isn't properly being built.

How to fix the problem: the first thing you want to try is resetting your archives. Go to your archive settings, and change your archiving frequency to ,No Archive. Save your changes and publish. Then go back to your archive settings again, and select the monthly or weekly option you had previously. Save your changes, then go back to your archive list and hit the republish all button.

Better remember that. I was showing Bill something in my blog that I'm going to bump up to a Saturday post only to find out half of my archives were missing.

Today was actually worth blogging for a change.

First off, my mother rudely woke me trying to get a few things from storage in my room. My room doubles as a second attic for some reason. Then when I finally am able to dream about something and sleep, what happens? You guessed it. Mom comes in and wakes me again. She needed an extra pair of hands to bring some stuff to the store for the Filipino Food Day. Little did I know I was going to be helping out.

Despite the bad start, we ended up doing a good job. Mom made some wierd noodle dish that I can't remember how to spell it's proper name right now, and I ended up help clean up when I wasn't trying to cut the babingka into tiny sample peices. Like I said when I first blogged the recipe, I don't see how it is possible to cut that thing into 100+ pieces. Somehow I did... and, DAMN was it a pain. Thankfully after the lunch rush, we ran out of ingrediance for the specials of the day and left. Who knows that the evening will bring for us now that today's store experiance is over.

Wait a second... I never got paid... Time to bring that up with the owner (AKA Mom).

Okay, even thought my extended family whom I have yet to meet cause a big ocean makes it difficult are more than likely already in the thick of it, today is the Filipino Independence Day.

To celebrate (if it can even be called that), the store is going to have a mock Fillipino Food Day. Mostly out of boredom and noticing that my sister won't have enough time to make the Babingka, I broke out all the ingrediances and made it myself. Today/Yesturday was boring anyway. I needed something to do, and this was somthing. My third batch, and I have yet to scew it up! I was debating on if I should make a second tray for myself since the one I made was going to the store. I mean, we did have another box of Rice Flour left, so why not? Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow or sometime later.

Besides, I don't think many people will be actually paying for those. My sister said that she is just going to have them out as samples. More than likely there will be something left for me to snack on. If not, I'll just make another tray.

Sometimes I wonder if I really know more than I should. Then I start to wonder if I even know anything at all. Maybe what I know is fact; maybe what I know is my own bullshit to make myself feel smarter than I really am. Intellegance is something that's really hard to measure. They have a test, yes, but what if you score so high off the scale they would have to make a new test? Now I'm reminded of a line in Episode II that said:

"Being a Jedi, I'd think you'd know the differance between knowledge and wisdom."

What makes a person knowledgible? What makes a person wise? Some would say that knowledge is learned and aquired. Others say that it can be taught once and then tested to see if it is truely learned, which is I think the flaw in the schooling system here. Some would say wisdom is gained over time, that time makes us wiser though experiances. Others would say that wisdom is the careful use of knowledge. So where does intellegance fit into the mix?

Another mindless rant of false insight into the human scene. Who am I to question the concept of intellegance? My IQ is only 122. My record shows that I'm really at 130, but they gave me the 8 points cause I was distracted by a cute boy just outside the window of the testing area. Am I really gifted? I honestly don't think so. So since I'm average, I might as well shut the fuck up and quick trying to understand that which I don't.

Besides, my brain is overworked as it is. Thoughts and ideas of so many things mashed with one another. A complicated mess of thought bubbles and brainstorms. Even my subconsious was saying for me to just let go and not think for a change. Enjoy the moment! How did it tell me this? By making me dream that Austin Gordon was my personal stripper in a batchlor party. And yeah, I do try to let go and enjoy the moment. That's the whole purpose for my video game playing. To just let go and forget everything that has ever bothered me!

Man, I really could use $50 and a trip out to Jillian's to play DDR.

<bgsound src="http://rfblues.aaanime.net/Seatbelts/M213.ram" controls="smallconsole">
Dare you to press play!

Butterfly
Composed and Arranged by Yoko Kanno
Words by Chris Mosdell
Vocals by M

You're a love song
Only half-way sung
You're the knot
That comes undone
You're the daylight
Dressed as dark as night
The flight of a stringless kite

The very vision
The mirage man
You're air
In the palms of my hand
You're like catching
The day's sunset
Or rain that's never wet

You're a butterfly in the mind
You're a butterfly before my eyes
You're a butterfly, a trick of time

Who leaves before he arrives

You're a butterfly in the mind
You're a butterfly before my eyes
You're a butterfly who says he's mine

But leaves before he arrives
Who leaves before he arrives

I can't stop thinking about how cool James is. I love him to death!

Yesturday, I talked to him and told him how sorry I was for last night and that I was worried that I may have lost him forever cause of what happened. He was worried that he would have lost me too. We started exchanging apologizes like crazy! One of us was sorry for this and the other would say it's okay but then would apologize for that and the cycle would just start over and over again. You had to be there; you could just feel the love and affections in the air. After we got past the other night, I just wanted to hold him. It sucks that I'm on the other side of the country and stuck here till August. I want to be with him so badly. I just want to shadow him practically! He's so cool and sweet and sensative and just perfect for me! And, damn, is he a sight! He is HOTT! I would put his picture on here that he gave me, but I'm afraid some troll is going to steal it and claim that he's my boy, so I won't. To give you an idea how hot he is, lets just say he doesn't have six-pack abs. He has eight!! That's right, all eight of his abdominal muscles are tone and tight. Yum!!

That night, it was extremely hot in my room, so I slept naked. James said something earlier about how if the spark is there when we meet (which I really hope it is), we'd disappear for a night just me and him. I fantasized heavily about that night. So heavily I had a dream about it. The perfect five star room, a giant bed, a nice night view of the city, and beautiful James in nothing but a bathrobe holding me and caressing me and kissing me and... well, you know. It was hot, sensual dream. The song I have in the RealPlayer above was what was playing in the background. The song should be on regular airplay if you ask me, but then again no one in America knows good music when they hear it... except for MTV. Just listen to the track and you'll have an idea of how hot the dream was.

I really didn't want to wake up. It was perfect. I hope the actual night is like that.

Last night was horrible. Once again I took something to a level it should have never gone. I screwed up... again!

I woke up thinking about Tale Spin, an old Disney cartoon from the early '90s featuring Baloo as some cargo pilot and his foster son Kit Cloudkicker. I always wanted to be like Kit. He was cool and braved and smart and always tried to do the right thing and even if he ended up screwing up in the end and didn't do a good job he would still have the best reward ever, family and friends that understand and love him. I don't even think my own family understands me. My friends don't like the fact I go off the deep end and take things differently than normal boys. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even a real human since everyone says I'm not normal. I laid there in bed thinking that untill just awhile ago when I started blogging. On my way here, I started singing "No Reply". I knew I posted the lyrics up here somewhere, but I'm too depressed to look. It's a good thing I found out that The Real Folk Blues has the movie soundtrack in RealAudio format.


<br /><bgsound src="http://rfblues.aaanime.net/Seatbelts/M214.ram" controls="smallconsole"> <br />
Go on. Press play.

Listen to this song carefully. This is how I feel right now. "This was my life; it never made much sense to me... I no longer know myself... Here lays my life; it never felt that real to me... You in my life, it all meant so much more to me." I wish I knew how to put it in my own words with my own feelings, but I can't even read IMs without thinking one thing and coming off as something else to the other person. Maybe that's why I look for songs that I connect to for comfort.

I need help... like $900 per hour help... with session 5 times a week... like I'll get anywhere near that much help to begin with.

Babingka - (ba-BING-cah) chewy Filipino desert and snack item!

1 box Mochiko Rice Flour (about 16 - 20 oz.) [found in most Asian or International grocery stores]
2.5 cups of suger
2.5 cups of milk
5 eggs
0.75 stick of butter (0.5 cups melted)

Mix items in a bowl untill lumps are gone and is about the consistancy of your average cake batter. Pour into a glass tray. Crosshatch batter with a fork to get the air bubbles out. Bake in a pre-heated oven at 350^oF for an hour. Cool, and enjoy!

Ok, sounds simple, right? No one that can cook can screw this up, correct? Wrong. On a personal note, do NOT do the following:

DO NOT...
...mix butter brands! There is a silght risk of a chemical reaction making the final product extra greasy. It's suppose to be greasy anyway, but you don't want it TOO greasy, now do you?
...pop a bubble you missed with a toothpick! There is a reason that it inflated, and you do not want to know what that reason is even if it's a safe one.

Oh yeah, and if you attempt to try this on your own, keep a few things in mind.

1. There is a differance between regular flour and rice flour. One is made from rice, the other is made from wheat grain.
2. The bubbling along the edges is normal. When it cools, it will get absorbed back into the final product.
3. Under no cercumstance should you use a metal cooking tray to cook the batter. You'll burn more than you can chew.
4. Regular milk is recommended, but if you are feeling risky, feel free to try skim milk or even chocolete milk. It's your funeral if you do, though.
5. If you are into counting calories, don't cook this. There is about 1600+ in it and depending on how small the portions are cut can get to about 16 calories per serving... although I don't know how you can cut something this chewy into a hundered peices.

Okay, enough being Tako the Octopus. Time to eat!

Well, look what was in my inbox this morning.

Subj: >sigh<
Date: Thu, 6 Jun 2002 1:43:23 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: "Simone Caston"
To: Zeek Slider

Okay, do you know how freaking awesome you are? I was going through your
profile at NG (I got there through all the posts about the QAF/NG window
thing), and I saw that YOU LIKE COWBOY BEBOP! I think it's one of the
awesomest animes ever. AND you have a blogger account. AND... you just
seem so freaking awesome! Email me back, please please pleeeease...? :)

= »°´ Simoney, night queen `°« =
--------------------------
Quick quiz: Add Simoney + blogger + gwar, what will you get?
The answer?: Simblarg!
@ http://simoney.cjb.net/

Who knew I was this... uhm... "awesome"?

From JPWA - Junior Professional Wrestling Association:

On May 29th, 2002, the JPWA Board of Directors decided to close the JPWA web site. The JPWA site has always been devoted simply to wrestling entertainment; unfortunately, some in the media are selectively choosing certain images and making incorrect generalizations and assumptions about our organization. Although we feel that we committed no wrongdoing of any kind, the Board felt that it was in the best interest of all parties involved to close the site. All prior orders for merchandise will be filled. The JPWA Board and wrestlers would like to extend our gratitude to everyone who has shown support to our organization through our existence, and especially to those who have expressed their support in the past month.

Aw, crap. And I liked some of the jobbers they had on the roster too. Oh well, at least I didn't say they were some gay pro-wrestling site or something along that lines (I don't think). All I said was that I found them to be the youngest pro-wresting organization I knew of.

Time to change the links... again!

I hate technology. I hate it when it doesn't work like last night. Of course the power going out wasn't really part of it, but it did get annoying when I was trying to talk to Bill last night. Then I had to reset all the clocks this morning that no one knew needed to be set back. You would think by now clocks would have some kind of back up or an atomic internal clock counter so they can still put out the same time as if they never went out.

Thank goodness I have the destressing toy of WRATH!

Oh yeah, I forgot to meantion but was rudely reminded about something involving NewGrounds.

If there are too many people on it at once, it slows to a hault. This is what I get when I am trying to watch/play some amature Flash movies/games.

Okay, this was some of the dumbest days I have ever had.

First off, yesturday, I forgot to blog something rather important because I needed to tell several people about it FIRST. Don't ask, it's a long and complicated story. Basically what happened is that my mother asked me if I still wanted to go to Seattle right now. Kind of odd, but I would like to think that she only asked to spark a conversation. I told her why bother since I can't leave till August when we have that vacation. Then she told me that the vacation destination wasn't Seattle. We were going to St. Augestine, specifically the PGA Golf Hall of Fame since we have a condo/timeshare lot there. However, when I asked about Seattle, she said that it would be cheaper to come back from Florida, wash my clothes, repack, and then leave from Nashville instead of flying cross country. From there, we went on to talk about what I plan to do up in Seattle. Get a job, might as well look into community colleges since DigiPen told me to, get a place.

Yesturday, I didn't get any dates. I wanted to get at least a date plot today, but I got instead something very disturbing. The vacation is just an idea! She never made any reservation! She is thinking that it will be around the last week in July. THINKING about it!

And here I was armed with a highlighter to lock them into a definate date.

Boy the people at NewGrounds come from a strange lot.

Earlier today I found a game that might as well offend everyone, but it didn't. Why? Cause it's just a game. Sure the game is called WRATH II and it's saying that making humans was God's biggest mistake, but you got to admit the message of this Flash Artist came off right clear to me.

What's the message of this game? Humans are stupid. Seriously, we all are a bunch of idiots! We are all stupid at one point in our lives if not in our daily routine. For example, my mom is a compleate dumbass in asking something of some great technological importance like saying that she needs to learn web-page when the propor term is HTML. I'm an idiot in just talking to people and trying to make them understand what is going on inside this little shell of skin so they don't think I'm some kind of alien from the far reaches of space like most think. Now the question is did God make us all idiots? I don't think so. He originally made us to live as simbians with the other creations of His. So what happen to make us end up killing all of his creations slowly? An apple of "knowledge." Given what I've seen, I'm starting to think that apple was really an apple off the tree of stupidity. But hey! That was several billion years ago! No use complaining about something you can't fix.

I can't believe I didn't see this sooner!

To listen to DDR Freak Radio better all I needed was a little program called WinAmp! Okay, so there is some skipping since this modem doesn't meet DSL/T1 speeds, but at least the signel hasn't droped!

I feel like ranting on this post instead of plugging like in my last post.

I learned last night how bad my English is. The root of most of my misunderstandings if not all of them is the fact that I don't know what to say and how to same them correctly. It's easier in person cause all you have to do is couple it with a facial experession and anyone can come accross the way they want to. I thought I could type the first thing that comes to my head like what I do with these blogs. These are pretty much unsensored thoughts. Whatever I feel like sayingin, I type it out as it comes. Not with IMs now. I have to be very careful now. I know that now. It may be annoying to the ones I'm talking to seeing how it takes about five minutes to just type something, but I'm making a concious effort here. I want to make it right and sound how I want it to... even if that means proofreading it while they go to the bathroom and we aren't even three lines into the conversation. I wish I could process what I want to say faster. I'm slower than a cold cup of molasous on a warm day in December.

I wonder if things will get easier when I actually get that help I need. Maybe the doctor will be a compleate quack again and I'll be on like twenty billion pills or something just to act normal... or... maybe I don't really need a doctor but just someone to hang out with and be happy with. Who knows? I don't.

People are stupid. Don't believe me? Read NG BBS - Queer as Folk - NG Fans??? Gaybashing and ingnorace stamping gon out of control. On top of that, I don't think anyone answered Toms' question! Oh well, that's what you get from stupid people. Not a good thing to wake up to if you ask me.

The purpose of this blog originally was so that the ones that I loved and cared about would get to know me better. Get a better look inside my head. I've renamed this blog so many times it's not even funny. I left this current title on cause everyone thinks my blog is boring. Interesting at some points, but needs more content. Too much reading. All you do is rant.

I really don't think anyone cares anymore about my blog. I'm just writing it seems for my own health. The ones I've shared this blog to don't come. Hell, I'm not even sure anyone still reads this. Everyone is either too busy or doesn't have the patiants. Some would argue that no one knows me well enough to read it. You don't have to know me to read this. I'm more open here than I am about things in real life. My opinions here are uninterrupted and spelled out as fast as I can think them and as sincere as how I'm feeling. Yeah, I know that would get me far to begin with. You only say that and then look stupid later. At least I do. But I want to be heard for once. I want to be seen as this good kid that just doesn't have a clue. I don't have a clue. Ask anyone I've pissed off! I don't know what I'm doing! I want to know, but I just don't!

I was told that I have an evil inside me. It was the result of my depression. Sometimes I wish that I had some kind of mark or change that would happen on or around me whenever something got me upset or down. A Scarlet Witch kind of thing. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. Something that would even tell the blind, the deaf, and the dumb that I'm upset or depressed or happy or mad or consern or thankful or confused. At the very least a mark that would get bigger or shrink like in Princess Mononoke... without the arm that would pulsate and then have a will of it's own. Some kind of indicator that would let me know if it got worst or if it got better. Just something to let stupid me know what the hell is wrong with me!

They say that talking to yourself is a sign of social struggles. Mostly with those that talk to much or those that don't talk enough. I don't talk much. I just type. If I talk to long, my vocal cords will knot up. Normally happens after about 5 minutes of streight talking. A sign that I don't talk much, or for that matter as loud. When I do talk, it's to myself. They say that's a sign of being a scitzophrenic or however it's spelled. Multiple personas. I don't know if there is another Zeek inside me or not, but most of my rants to myself are just scenarios that I wish happened or hope to happen. Sometimes I like to think that my gaurdian angel is listening and I talk to him. I ask him for comfort mostly. Comfort from the fact that I am alone. I have no one to relate to. Comfort from that. Call him an invisible friend or just call him fake. I don't care. I know he's there. I know he's listening. I know he's crying with me and happy when he sees me talking to another person instead of him or myself. Actual talking; not this IMing and over the phone thing. I also know he is the cause of all the goosebumps I get in just a few places. That's him hugging me. That tingling feeling on my cheek every night? It's not some bug or the air condisioner kicking in. That's him kissing me good night since no one has since I've been starting to grow apart from my parents.

Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe I'm just looking for company. Someone how is as loyal as I am. As sensative as I am. Dare I say as stupid as I am. Someone that could break me out of this shell of insecurity I'm in so I can proudly say this is who I am and this is what I like and if you don't like it you can got to hell for all I care.

And there I go again, asking the impossible.

I tried to get my mind off things. I don't know why I do that. It's been a few days and all I can think about was James and Bill and what happened the other night. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry it did. At times, I wish I never knew how to communicate my thoughts. Like I was some drone out to just do what everyone said. My own feelings are just a mess. I don't know how to come off to people, and when I think I came off a certain way, I didn't. My sense of logic is anything but logical. What am I? I can't be human. Humans don't do this. Sure, they make mistakes, but how can one human make so many and still be alive? How can I, a human, be this screwed up? Maybe I'm just some part of some alien operation or something. Maybe I was dropped when I was little. Maybe it's my environment and how everyone made me an outcast by saying I don't meet up to their standards. Maybe it's my depression. Maybe I'm just trying to find something to blame other than myself. Maybe there isn't anything to blame.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. Other times, things just happen. Reason or not, what I did was stupid. I never was the sharpest knife in the drawer. I always wasn't smart enough, fast enough, strong enough, good enough. I always had to have someone tell me what to do, what was right and wrong, if I made it on time or not. I never could do anything for myself. The only things I have done for myself is aquire that which makes me a dork. A blog that doesn't work half the time, an account for spam, six virtual pets that talk to me, a rank as a knight of a land that doesn't exist, the ability to say what Flash moves suck or not, actually listening to an animated octopus that tells me how to cook meatloaf. What good will those bring me? I have done nothing for myself. I have done nothing.

I am nothing. Nothing important. I'm just a no-account drifter. Can't even figure out how to say thank you properly. Can't even talk right. Hell, I can't even think streight. Kicked around like a government mule, and like one can't really fight back. I've said it several times. I'm better off dead. Why God still has me on here, I don't know. Maybe He has some plan that I just don't see yet. Some ultimate design I'm not opening my eyes to for me. At this point, I'd be very surprized if Jesus Christ himself said to me that I'm suppose to be this great person. Like I have the power to change the world or make a mark. I just wish I knew what I was good for. All I'm seem good for doing is playing video games and messing up stuff. Great, that will get me far. I just wish I was better at something else.

I need major help.

I think I found the weirdest kind of game ever made. It's called Hentai ~ SimGirl (b1.22). Too bad there isn't a SimGuy, but suggesting that would be too taboo. Besides, who'd want a dating simulation with a guy in it?... Ok, ok, I do.

From Furby Collectibles:



Ok, so maybe it was the fact that I was watching Gremlins on TV, but I still think Gizmo is cute. Just another item I'll never be able to buy. Oh well.

I guess I must have had a good day yesturday, cause it sure ended badly.

Basically, it went downhill when I was talking to Dan. He was explaining to me how cool his plan was, telling me how it would work mutually. He kept repeating it to me over and over introducing new ideas each refreash. Then I told him that I got it and he didn't need to tell me any more cause I understood it. The way I said it was a bad choice in wording. I came off as an ass to him.

According to James, once they found out, Bill jumped into defending me. As he was doing that, James was giving me some background about how he has only done that once before. Bill fixed it and everything was back to normal. I made the comment that I owed him big for that one, seeing how I'm here and they are over there and I can't properly thank them.

Almost immediately, James and I started talking about random things. His future as a preacher, Bill's future, etc. Once I got James all happy about how much I support his carreer as a preacher, he reminded me that I needed to thank Dan for the plan and apologize for being an ass and Bill for standing up for me. I didn't pick up on Bill's immediately. I would like to think that I was lost in talking with James, which in some truth it was the case, but I also didn't appreciate Bill's action to it's fullest. I wasn't there to hear his points and what he had to say. I don't think James even relaied to me what Bill said. I told him that I wish I could thank him properly, but I just couldn't. Even so, James didn't understand how I could possibly over look something like that. That's when Dan reminded them that there was a time when I was so keen that once someone would help me, I'd ask for them immediately and thank them and that I wasn't as calus and inept. They wanted to know what happened to that part of me. At this point I didn't know what to say and started poping out stupid answers after stupid answers. I think the only good answer I had was the fact that I was selfish for awhile in wanting to get out so badly that I lost track of how important my friends are. Apparently, that was stupid enough to make the boys not want to talk to me.

Dan then popped on and told me why he was on. I paused at one point to think up something smart to say instead of something that was stupid or sounded stupid. I couldn't come up with anything. All I had was either I'm just that stupid or it is because of the late hour. Dan thought I was crying up untill I told him I wasn't. After that, Bill said through that he did some of his best debating and defending just then in hope that it would make up for the time he was mad at me and that I didn't even acknowledge that. I didn't even know that was his best work or that he was doing that to make up for when he got so pissed off at me. From there, Dan just ripped me apart saying that I have the worst problems compared to Bill and James combined. He wanted to know what happened to that Jon that would jump up and grovel and kiss the feet of the one that defended him. Frankly, I'm starting to wonder now myself. I thought I was thanking him when I said that I owe Bill mega big this time, but I guess saying that doesn't count as a thank you in most books.

Dan then posed a question. He wanted to know if I would blame him if he got to the end of his rope with me. I asked him if he was, and he said he was close to. I told him that I couldn't blame him. He then asked if I would hate him for it. I couldn't hate him for that either.

The IMs closed with Dan saying that I can't expect someone to tell me what to do and say all my life. I told him that I knew that, but at the same time I wish I was smarter and knew what to do and didnt' do so many stupid things.

And so ends my life. I wonder how I'm going to fix this, if I even can. I doubt I can... heavily doubt it.