Yet ANOTHER Random Rant

I've been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about myself. More so than I really should for a Sunday, but still.

I want to believe that I am one of those rare cases in life where someone is born that doesn't really fit the normal standards of society. I'm not talking about a defect or anything like that (although I may have a few of my own). I mean one of those kind of people that are so special that the world doesn't believe they belong. Like one of the X-men, in some light.

I want to believe that, but at the same time, the pressures and standards that everyone says I should conform to still loom over me like a dark cloud.

I've never been normal, though. I'm gay. That's not normal by any standards. Yes, I've accepted it. I have no problem with me being attracted to guys. I also know that this isn't concidered "normal" by most standards. Unfortunately, what is normal and what isn't is an abstraction that people refuse to see as an abstraction. In other words, people are responsible for what they call normal. There is no normal. There is no abnormal. It's all just a matter of opinions.

So what is my opinion of myself?

I believe that, while a promising individual, I suck as a human. I do not meet the bars set by the rest of society, and at the same time, I don't care. I have no drive to. All I want to do is have fun, make and create art, and maybe get laid (if that will ever happen in this life time ever again). I cannot see reality, and I really don't want to because of how much reality sucks!

But this is me just comparing myself to everyone again. Something I should not do. I should be my own person. I should be able to tell people that this is who I am. So what if I cannot drive? So what if I believe that I do not have the level of responsiblity to hold down a job? What does it matter to you? Why should it? This is who I am! Like it or not!

I've said this many times only to take it back.

I hate being this fickle in my mind set. It's bad enough to be indecisive, but to be hypocritical at the same time?

This journey of self discovery is taking its toll. Earlier today, I found myself on an Adult personal ad site, the kind where people who want to be swingers and hookers go so they don't have to answer to a pimp. When I came to as to where I was and what I was doing, I deleted my account from the site immediately. Has my life and everything that has happened to me resulted in this? The near sudden action to becoming a cheap whore for the gay community (or lack there of) in Nashville? Probably when I'm homeless and need the money for food. Don't think that I don't believe that time will come. If I'm destine to rot like Bill said, I might as well go deeper in the gutter.

Yeah, I know that what I am saying is insane. I shouldn't be thinking this. I shouldn't be typing this. I should talking about other things, maybe something more productive, but what is there left to do that I actually want to do? Like I said, I have no drive to learn how to drive! I have no want to work! I feel fine being able to create and have what little fun I can have. Pathetic as this sounds, I almost don't want nothing more than this.

I think I'm like this because of how I was brought up and raised. That's the only logical explination. Blame the past for the present that is now the past before the present can be call the present.

They always say that things will work out for you in the end. What they don't tell you is that "the end" means when you are dead.