I need to be committed into an institution for the mentally insane.

I'm rather depressed right now. It's my own damn fault, really. I'm also rather drained of any and all energy, so please excuse any tangents an incoherrent thoughts. Just knock that off to the fact that I'm about to drop dead as I'm blogging this.

I got to talk to David this afternoon. I missed talking to him. He's a really great guy, and really understanding. Unfortunately, my feelings and emotions were not in check and I started balling to him about Sunday andall my insecurities. Interestingly enough, he said that while he feels for me he also doesn't because he knows I won't do anything for myself.

Eventually, I got to talk to Bill. Ever since Sunday, I've not been the same mentally and, somewhat, emotionally. I've needed him since Sunday. What I needed from him was to kick my ass. I mean, really kick it. I was so ready to leave, but for some reason, probably and more than likely my own fault, I couldn't bring myself to do what was needed to be done. Not without Bill to kick my ass. He did just what I wanted him to do, but unfortunately, it had no effect on me. If anything, it was the case for me being so drained right now just to endure what he threw at me. He does that to me a lot whenever he verbally kicks my ass, only this time, he drained a lot. Still, it was the same thing as it was the last time. Like Bill said, I'm still in the same place in the same situation and I'm still hating it all the same. I have done nothing for myself and I will not ever do anything for myself. I will just rot.

The entire time I kept thinking to myself about the things that have happened in my life. Growing up, all those teasings and enduring things like not really having any real friends to hang out with and all those things. I started to wonder if this had any kind of effect on me at all. It probaby has, which could warrent a future case for it to help stop this kind of thing from happening in schools instead of a scare tactic like the person you tease is going to kill everyone. Hey, it's probably more effective too. You tease someone long enough, they will lack the self confidence to do much of anything. That's probably why I acutally want to do my reports during my spring break. I mean, what else can I do? I'm not normal. I never was. Maybe I was at one point, but then everything changed. Quite honestly, I hate the way I came out. I hate the fact that all I do is complain and bitch here. I hate the fact that I cannot bring myself to do anything. I hate the fact that I can't change that which I hate.

That's why I need Bill in my life more than ever. He can change me. He can kick my ass. He can definately do something to me that would probably help me out for the better. Something I know I won't get from my parents, because if I could, I would have already gotten it by now.

I need to be committed into an institution for the mentally insane. Seriously. I need to. Van Gogh did it, so why not? Not only will I be taken care of, but at least I'll also find out what the fuck is wrong with me.

That reminds me. There's this Student Aid Program at Watkins. It is suppose to be like a mental health hotline that promises you three visits with a doctor, paid for by the school, to determin if you really need help. When I come back from break, I'll need to find that number, because I'm convinced that I cannot opperate anymore in the real world.

Then again, I can't opperate in any world.

The little energy I have left is running out. I'm too lazy to spell check this.

Good night, you stupid world. I'll see you in hell if I get there before you do.