Jonathan Abarquez - Asshole

I got to talk to James tonight on IMs. Somewhere along the lines, I snapped and started acting like a complete asshole. I have no idea as to why as of right now. I think it had something to do with what he said. In any event, James eventually got tired of me and passed the torch to David.

The snap affected the way I talked to David. For the most part, he was rather numb to everything I said. Much like my parents, in some respects. I ended up pissing him off when we got on the subject of how a lover won't just fall out of the sky and into my lap. I made the comment that if it can happen to David, then there is no reason why it couldn't happen to me. Apparently, my memory isn't the greatest thing in the world. Then again, it never was. The way I remember is that David came home one day and the love of his life was right there with Dan and the others hanging out. The next thing I new they were hooked up and a couple. Actually, come to think of it, that's how I remember most of how they all hook up. Kind of strange, now that I think about it. Only the settings change from person to person. In any event, David got pissed and left the computer.

So here I am, still in this hard-ass kind of mood all because of some reason I have no clue over. I need to get my ass kicked, but no one will do it here. My disillusional self has been elevated to a new high, and my feelings towards others numbed. All of which is bad to all those that I do not have any kind of physical contact with, as well as to those that know me well enough online.

Why is it this always happens? Whenever I'm on break, I always end up experiencing some kind of drama that is really not needed in my life.

James said that if I were to disappear, he wouldn't react. Why would he? I bet the only one that would react is Bill, seeing how the two of us are practically brothers. This alone is enough to give me an excuse not to disappear for a while like I've been thinking about doing. I honestly do not need any of this, because I don't do well in it. My emotions and self-esteem is already shot all to hell to where I was almost willing to become a cheap gay whore! Still though, I love Bill and is very attatched to him. He may be a good thing for me, but who knows since he is all the way where he is and I'm stuck in Music City.

There is one thought that is looming in the back of my head though. I'm starting to wonder if Jason (another one) in my 3-D class is gay or not. I doubt he is, but I'll have to see if I can catch him alone to talk to him. He's cute, but in that kind of in that "lost puppy" kind of way. Then again, that's how his hair looks like when he isn't wearing his hat.

God I'm a slut. I'm an asshole and a slut and an artist. How original.