It's my birthday, and I'll blog if I want to!

Yes, today is my birthday.

Believe it or not, I nearly forgot it was myself. This is what I get when special occasions are overshadowed by the dull and numbing routine of everyday life.

So what do I plan to do for the day?

Class. Homework.

That's pretty much it. No plans to go out (even though I bet I will against my will), no going to get drunk since I'm legal to drink now, no going out to buy porn (like I could in this gay-bashing state). Just going to class and doing my homework.

Birthday Cash: $71.21

• Aunt: $50
• Parents: $21
• Sister: 21 pennies (all of which were shiny and new)

Natural Padding

They say with extensive use of a certain part of your body, you being to develop padding made up of dead skin cells. The best example for this is your feet. This padding is created to protect the area from any harm that can come from something while in use. That's why they recommend women to stop shaving off that padding after buying new heels just so they could fit.

My sister, for example, writes. She has developed a strange lump on her finger as a result of it rubbing against the paper for so long.

Me? Well, I just discovered a patch of very irritating skin on my right elbow thanks to God-knows-what. Personally, I don't some extra natural padding, but this doesn't look like it. In fact, it looks like my skin is flaking off there. It's heavily lotioned right now, so it doesn't sting as bad.

It's times like this I wish Andrew was around to tell me what the hell is going on with me.

Just when I couldn't mess up any more...

I just found out that my 3-D assignment isn't due for another two weeks. That is one more stress off my mind, to which I am very grateful for! The last thing I need is one more due date that I know I cannot meet.

With that fresh on my mind, I need to relax, so these next two hours are going to be spent on something other than work. Well, at least until 12:30.

Mega-Burned Out

Having three studio classes this semester was indeed a mistake that I am paying for right now in full.

For the past few days, my mind as far as my creative side and the want to create has been shot all to hell. I haven't wanted to create much of anything. Doing my work for my classes feels like a chore. Sleep has always been inviting, but in this case sleep has become the devil tempting me to escape to my dreams so I can forget about everything that has been thrown upon me.

To be quite frank, I just don't want to do much of anything right now. I need a damn vacation, a second spring break. I need something just so I can get myself and my mind back together and refreshed so I can create again.

Bishounen = "Pretty boy"

What type of Bishounen are you? Find out at artificial-soul.net by Rin.

You're a Tragic Figure!

Your life has been nothing but a long drawn-out soap opera. You've lost your parents, your one ture love, your best friend, your dog; locusts have infested your land, and your first born son expires. You've got enough angst to last several lifetimes, and you believe you'll always wind up getting hurt. But not all people are complete bastards. Sometimes you need to trust people to know you're not alone in the world.

Way, way too accurate.

Too Funny To Be Real!

I just heard the funniest thing on the radio just now coming into school!

These two radio DJs are right now pulling the funniest experiment I have ever heard in my life!

Here's the set up.

A listener of theirs was pulled over for speeding. She wanted to see the radar gun to confirm what the officer said about her speeding. As a driver, she has the right to do this, but the officer refused to give it to her. The officer was a mean little so-and-so and handed her a ticket.

So, because they are "protecting their loyal listeners from getting tickets or into any accidents," three of their friends and one intern at the station are taking up all four lanes of the interstate inbound to Nashville on I-24. They are all going the posted speed limit on that stretch of interstate at the exact same time side by side to each other. And, dude! They are pissing off several THOUSANDS upon thousands of drivers that are going to be late to work!

There have been reports of people passing them on the shoulder, using the exit lanes to pass them. The intern reported that she has seen more birds than she has ever seen in her life! And we aren't talking the flying kind, mind you.

Is this illegal? Technically, they can be pulled over and ticketed for impeding traffic, but they are not! They are all going the speed limit! The law is on their side, no doubt about it!

Last I heard, "the blob of traffic" on that interstate has been backed up all the way to a car dealership about a good 3 hours away. That is, 3 hours if you are driving at 70 MPH (the posted speed limited).

Overall, the people that are pissed off are the ones not making any money, the ones that are late going into work (The DJs suggested that you tell your boss that you were going the speed limit as your excuse.), as well as the radio station's own traffic guy!

DUDE! This is an awesome experiment! I mean, Nashville has a new sheriff in town who is cracking down on people speeding and handing tickets left and right! He has got to be laughing at this right now if he got wind of what is going on! Like several people that have called in, this experiment of theirs is beautifully thought out and well executed! There is just no comparing!

More news will be reported once I have any more information. I am definitely keeping my eyes and ears out on this one!

Next Week

Next week is my birthday.

Next week, I have a two page report due for 3-D.

Next week, I have to do a small presentation on Surrealistic sculpture.

Next week, I have two drawings due for Drawing 2. (Ironic, huh? Two drawings? Drawing 2?)

Next week is the week of April Fool's day.

Next week is not going to be fun.

Morning Test Results

You are Schroeder!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Creative and quiet describes you best. You're most often found off to the side, watching things happen and enjoying the show. Your love of the arts and beauty is a welcome retreat from your frequent bouts of neurosis.

I love Schroeder. He's so cool. And not just because he is a blond, too.

Money

I should have blogged about this earlier, but I feel the need to say something now that it has become rather apparent.

We're poor.

My parents are considering selling a lot of our assets that they intended on passing down to us to put both myself and my sister through college. These things include a piece of land in Colorado and time shares littered throughout Florida and Virginia.

As a result of this, I'm starting to feel really guilty, and very self-defeating as well, over the matter. Simply put, if I didn't go to college in the first place, my family wouldn't be in this mess. If I had applied for more scholarships instead of thinking they were an impossible contest to win, I could have help lighten the burden.

Instead, we are now going to be put on a student loan to get through school.

Imagine being a parent that wants nothing but the best for your children. You bought them all these things you were going to pass down, hoping, praying that they will go up in value helping you grandchildren and great-grandchildren get better lifestyles. Now imagine having to sell all those things, worth probably a good hundred thousand or so at the moment, just to help your children now. You wanted to pass on all these great things to your children, but now all you are passing down to them are your debts. Red numbers that you could not get out of are now their problems.

This is not the way to live life, but sadly that is the case now. Once I graduate... IF I graduate, I'll be responsible for paying back the loans, something I've been trying to avoid.

Debt scares me.

Having responsibilities that I know are over my head scares me.

I don't think I can do this. I just cannot.

Like Second Nature

You know you've been doing something way to long if you can still do it a whole later after you've not done anything at all.

I hate how my morning routine has been solidtified.

Wake up. Piss. Turn on CNN in the background. Gear up. Grab my things I need for the day. Go downstairs. Hotmail. Yahoo. MouseInfo.com. Superdudes. Neopets. Blogger if I have to.

Every morning before I go to school the same shit.

Who says we aren't creatures of habit?

The End of Spring Break

Well, this is it. As the sun goes down, the week that has brought...

Well, it didn't really bring anything out of the ordinary, or special for that matter. Maybe a few noteworthy blog entries here and there, but nothing eventful.

I spent my last day of Spring Break fufilling a promise I made to myself after I went to the Frist the second time. I went back and enjoyed the Impressionistic works without having to take notes. I just wanted to sit back and enjoy all the art. In turn, I gave myself more that what I promised, probably to compensate for the bad feelings I still had lingering from last night.

Well, now that I have that out in the open, I might as well elaborate. It's a very interesting story, really, involving Go-Gaia.

Last night, I made the mistake of saying something I shouldn't have to Leo and the gang. Needless to say, that conversation lasted no more than half an hour. They left, and I was left with people on a message board game who like to play dress up with their little avatars.

I decided, just because I needed to vent somewhere in an alternate way, to make my little Role Playing character really depressed. Naturally, to protect Leo, I changed who he was. I claimed that I met a person in real life that looked like David Gallagher. This was false. Leo looks nothing like David, and I've never met him (Leo, not David). I said that I chased him off because of how perverted I am and my fowl mouth. This is half true. I then said that he was the first person that I ever met that didn't care how I looked and like me for the fact that I am an artist. I have a feeling this is true, but I am not all that sure as of right now.

Well, I met up with some really kind responses to that. Cyber hugs were given, but I still acted the part of being unable to feel better. Then this one guy, who apparently is taken (Kind of don't know if it is a Gaia thing or in real life, but I don't really care at this point.), everyone called Ares. He had this picture in his signature of two Yaoi boys caught cuddling, drawn by a friend of his. It was a really nice drawing. Kind of hot, but not very erotic in tone. Anyway, he kept trying to give me the same song and dance I've heard before. I'll find someone that's worth it. Don't worry, everything will work in the end. Just stick it through with your head held high. You have plenty of time to learn how to drive and meet guys and be happy. I acted like I was impossible to help, which is the way I would act anyway. I mean, anyone that has IMed me can testify to that. The thing is, unlike most of the people I act like this to, Ares didn't give up one me. In fact, after scolding me and telling me the truth about how I will end up if I continue acting the way I do, Ares told me that he feels bad for nothing being able to help me.

As with all Role Playing things on the internet that is text based, I typed in my action saying I was leaving the chat room, to which he grabbed my arm and hugged me. Keep in mind this is all cyber. The strange thing is, once he did that, I felt something rather real. A real pain. No one has ever done that to me in real life, and I was taken back that someone would even cyber it, even if it was all in role play. I then acted the way I would in real life. I typed in my action saying that I looked up at him with really big eyes only to hug him for dear life. He replied back kind of shock that I would act that way, but continued to hug me. I then typed in another action I knew I would do in that kind of situation. I acted like I was overcome by my depression to the point where I couldn't stand up. Ares supported me up with his hug until I was okay.

I never had this happen to me on any kind of role playing message board, IM, cybering thing, or even REAL LIFE! I wanted it to be real! I wanted Ares to be a real person I knew. I wanted that event to have really happen. God knows I needed something like this, and God knows I need a friend like this person, even if all he was doing was playing a role. It was one that I want in real life. I want a friend that sweet, that caring, that loving. I want someone that would go out of their way just to make sure that I felt good when the littlest thing bothers me like a big thing.

But, we all know I never get what I want.

More Test Results!

Take the Spirit Quiz and visit Castle Diqueria.

You are a Sorrowful Spirit.

The Good: It can only get better for you.

The Bad: You have a low self-image and life, to you, is meaningless. You're depressed and you feel alone; like there's nobody in this world that can make it all better again. Chances are, there isn't. Only you can decide when you're going to sop moping around and start finding things to be happy about!

Tip: Work on improving your attitude. This can be done by taking part in things you enjoy doing! You might find yourself a bit happier...

I've heard this one too many times for my own good, to be quite honest.





Take the Date quiz, and visit Castle Diqueria.

You are a Caring Date!

You genuinely care about your date's welfare and feelings. You're probably the best date of them all! Go you.

This is so wrong. I suck, and I know it!

Seme = TopUke = Bottom

The Yaoi Selector: Which Uke are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have uke stamped on your forehead. You are so afraid of love that you are always alone. With the right seme you could be wonderful. Let go of your painful past and find love. Growing a spine might be nice too.

Okay, I'm wondering how accurate this is. I mean, yeah, I'm always alone, but it is because I fear love? And the growing a spine part is somewhat accurate in itself. I mean, have you seen some of the shit in this blog?!

It's times like this I'm starting to think I'm too obvious.

Could've, Would've, Didn't

So, despite me wanting to be lazy, my sister threatened me to go along. It would appear that next weekend, the family (excluding me because I don't want to) is going to Virginia to check out another college. This means no one will be able to take me to the museum or library.

So, I actually went today. I did my runs, and as is normally the case, I came up dry. I'll try again later.

I was originally going to do my 3-D assignment. Priority tells me to do this first because it is the one that is due first. I was suppose to right a two page essay of my observations of a 3-D piece. To take notes, I have to be standing in front of the piece with a questionnaire. Yes, that means I have to literally be at the piece.

My sister changed my mind when she was joking about how she didn't want me to go to the Frist. I didn't take it as a joke. I went ahead and changed my plan to doing my Drawing 2 and Art History.

While at the library, the children's wing had an art piece set up. It was a 3-D piece complete with a little folder talking about the artist. I didn't take notes.

For lunch, we had MacD's at Centennial Park. I then went into the Parthenon to see the newly gilded Athena statue.

Yes, in case you didn't get it, I had two very good opportunities to get my 3-D homework assignment dead and gone, but I did not have the notes with me that I needed to take.

It's thunder-storming now, and I need to get off before the lights go out.

Spring Break, School, and Saturday Morning Cartoons

With Spring Break coming to a close, I am at the sharp realization that I have not done the various reports I said I was going to end up doing during the break. This should be common to most students anyway, at least college ones. Well, at least the ones that go to college that cannot afford to go to Cancun or anything.

So, when I was up late last night talking to Leo, I kept tossing around in my head if I should do my school work or not. I knew that I was going to skip this week's cartoons, mostly because they are bound to be reruns anyway. However, technically, this weekend is part of my spring break. Also, no one has made anything due the week after this in any of my classes (And quite honestly, who would in college?)

So, should I go ahead and go downtown and work on school reports that are not due until the next following weeks? Or do I continue to act lazy and weak for the next two days?

Well, I'm weak, so I'm going to be lazy for the next two days as of right now.

Seven is VERY Unlucky

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

I've always liked Dante's version of Hell, because it actually sounded threatening. Organized, but threatening. Now I know where I'd end up if Hell really is like that.

I'll make sure to avoid the number 7 when I'm in Vegas.

A Good Night Leads to a Good Morning

I talked to, well, nearly everyone I know on IMs last night. The conversations were, for the most part, rather pleasing. Needless to say, when Leo came on to talk to me, we pretty much kept talking to each other the entire night. It felt rather good. We joked around, we had serious talks, we flirted, we learned some things about each other.

I woke up this morning thinking of him. I wondered what he is doing, if he is okay, and what he is having for breakfast.

See, I like when these things happen. I like it when I can end a night on a good note and wake up feeling just as good. I need more of these moments.

Damn you, Shem

Apparently, I am more obvious than I originally thought. I saw that Shem suggested that I go check out a site called Go-Gaia since I like Neopets.

The Role Playing junkie came out with the anime nerd and gamer in me. Three parts of myself that have been known to spell VICE oh-so-many ways.

Thanks a whole lot, Shem...

By the way, for all those who have no clue what I am talking about, you're better off not knowing. All those interested, there will be a button supplied soon underneath the Neopets one as well as a link in the games section.

Tenn. County Wants to Charge Homosexuals

DAYTON, Tenn. - The county that was the site of the Scopes "Monkey Trial" over the teaching of evolution is asking lawmakers to amend state law so the county can charge homosexuals with crimes against nature.

The Rhea County commissioners approved the request 8-0 Tuesday.

Commissioner J.C. Fugate, who introduced the measure, also asked the county attorney to find a way to enact an ordinance banning homosexuals from living in the county.

"We need to keep them out of here," Fugate said.

The vote was denounced by Matt Nevels, president of the Chattanooga chapter of Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

Click here for the full story.

Thank God someone spoke up! I mean, this is the kind of bullshit that I have to live with here in the damn state. People think that I'm making this kind of shit up, but I'm not. Here is proof right there! I shouldn't be doing this, since they are two different things entirely in some respects, but I'm starting to feel like a black man during the Civil Rights Movement.

What angers me the most is the fact that idiot Fugate said that homosexuals shouldn't be allowed to live in the country. This only further proves what I said earlier this week about America being hypocrites. Yes, we will let you live in our land, provided you are not a Cuban refugee, gay, or a terrorist. Racists we'll allow, but you can't be a gay Cuban refugee terrorist. Some land of equality.

Well, now I have actual documented proof now that the state I live in hates me for being gay. Thank God for Nevel for standing up for what is truly right.

Something is definitely wrong.

No more than five minutes ago, I caught myself signing back into Neopets for the twentieth time today. Yes, you read that. Twenty. As in 2-0. Something is definitely bothering me then if that is the case. If only I could determine what the problem is now.

Connections to AIDA

My brain is so slow. I just realized why I seem to be attracted to the show AIDA. Please excuse the following blog if it starts to sound like a term paper. And if anyone tries to copy it as a college essay, I hope you live the same pitiful life I do, or else you are so going to get your ass caught.

---

Every story, tale or memoir
Every saga or romance
Whether true or fabricated
Whether planned or happenstance

Whether sweeping through the ages
Casting centuries aside
Or a hurried brief recital
Just a thirty-minute ride

Whether bright or melancholy
Rough and ready, finely spun
Whether with a thousand players
Or a lonely cast of one

Every story, new or ancient
Bagatelle or work of art
All are tales of human failing
All are tales of love at heart

This opening song from the Broadway musical AIDA sets up one of the more obvious truths about life that not a lot of us have discovered. When it comes to the emotion of love, our journey during it is a story that will more often than not end in some kind of heartbreak before finally being what we want it to be. During this time, our emotions are never as clear as they should be or as we would like them to be. In fact, sometimes our emotions are never clear at all. We make mistakes and regret the choices we make. This is what they mean by being blinded by love. Nothing is perfect, and love is no exception, be it how we fall in love, who we love, or the journey between here and there.

I, personally, can relate to the three main characters in this production. Each character has their own flaw, each has something that makes them attractive, each have a piece of me. While only having been exposed to just the music, I feel I can relate still to these characters in one form or another.

Radames, the male lead, is a free spirit. He loves adventures and loves nothing more than going out in the world and exploring. This is his passion. This is how we are first introduced to Radames. My passion is to create art. A passion I enjoy and love doing. I want nothing more than to create things. This is how I am on the surface.

Aida, the female lead and title role, is a proud but beaten women. Her country was invaded and taken over by her neighbor to the north. Her heart is filled with insecurities knowing that her home is no more, knowing that she cannot return even if she wanted to. This is only fuelled farther by the fact that she is afraid of the unknown of the future. This is how we are first introduced to Aida. Insecurities are a human nature. Everyone at one point in their time does not feel as if they are up to par with someone else, or as in my case, with society in general. We all wish we were better looking, taller, more muscular, thinner, darker in skin tone, etc. All of these things cause some kind of skew in how we see ourselves. This causes the weak to become weaker because they cannot face these insecurities knowing that they are silly things to think about. This is how I am beneath the surface.

Amneris, the last member in the play's love triangle, is a very insecure women beneath the layers of fancy clothing she wears. She wears her clothing the way some wear a mask to hide what is going on in the inside. Her biggest insecurity is that Radames doesn't love her, which is unfortunately true later on in the story. This is how we are first introduced to Amneris. Everyone has some kind of escape to get their minds off their insecurities. Hers is fashion. Mine are games. When we find the things that help us escape, we always go there first. When that doesn't help us forget about our problems, some of us become aware that what is bothering us is really a big deal, one that should be faced head on. Others, like myself, continue to escape the problem. Like Amneris, we retreat back to our creature comforts until we are slapped by the truth with a force that could make or break us. This is how I act when bad things happen.

Throughout the production, these three characters, as well as the very sides of the human persona, become entangled within each other. Some of their flaws are brought to the surface, even if subtle. New sides, all of which I can relate to, surface as well. The fear of the unknown ends up becoming more and more apparent as the two lovers, Radames and Aida, become closer in their forbidden desire, much in the same way in which fear of the unknown grows within a person when faced with something new to them.

To sail away to half-discovered places
To see the secrets so few eyes have seen
To see the moments of enchantment on our faces
The moments when we smile and those between

If I could leave this place then I'd be sailing
To corners of my land where there would be
Sweet southern winds of liberty prevailing
The beauty so majestic and so free

There'd be no ties of time and space to bind me
And no horizon I could not pursue
I'd leave this world's misfortunes far behind me
I'd put my faith and trust in something new

But why should I tell you this
A stranger I've just met
A woman whom I hardly know at all
And should forget

A journey we can only dream of
Enchantment passing through
And how is it I say these things
So easily to you

If there was ever a song that captured the moment when two people fall in love unknowingly, it is this one sung by Aida and Radames. Yes, the moment when we all fall in love, some people see only their love. Some feel a happiness that is unmatched to anything they have felt before. I, on the other hand, end up like Aida and Radames. I dream dreams that are to forever remain dreams. I tell my dreams and hopes so readily to those I fancy, only to later take back what I said chalking them up to the fact that reality will never make it possible. A kind of self-defeating action that I do when I realize that I have said something to someone that is so wonderful on paper but not practical in reality.

So I'll flutter to deceive
Oh no, No, you must believe
That one day you're bound to find
A stronger suit

These lines, sung by Amneris and Aida respectfully, can be taken so many ways. In context to the play, there is a play on words. To say that Amneris will find a stronger suit means that she will eventually find a way to be more confident in herself than she really is to where she won't need fashion. The word "suit" can also mean that she may find another suitor, or rather a person that actually loves her and that she can feel love from. I take both meanings to heart, personally. I know that, eventually, I will find a stronger suit of my own, one that will help me become what I need to be. I also know that there will be someone, eventually, that will love me for who I am. Someone that will blow everyone I've ever fallen in love with out of the water.

It's knowing what they want of me that scares me
It's knowing having followed I must lead
It's knowing that each person there compares me
To those in my past whom I now succeed
But how can whatever I do for them now
Be enough
Be enough

This opening verse to the song Dance of the Robes probably applies more to my current situation than to anything else. In the scene, Aida must assume her responsibilities as princess to her people. She doesn't want to. She feels she cannot do a good job. However, she takes up her responsibilities despite her insecurities, not for herself, but for her people who need a leader more than ever. Currently, in my life, I must have some kind of way of becoming a functioning member of society. I need to get a job, get a place of my own, learn how to drive, and all the other things that would make me self sufficient. But I can't.

I once knew all the answers
I stood on certain ground
A picture of true happiness
Confidence so effortless
No brighter could be found

I never asked the questions
That trouble me today
I knew all there was to know
Love worn lightly, put on show
My conquest on display

And who'd have thought that confidence could die?
Not me, not me
That all I took for granted was a lie

Not me, not me
And who'd have guessed I'd throw my world away
To be with someone I'm afraid to say

Not me, not me

In these lines sung by Radames, I see a part of me that I never really quite discovered until now. Here, Radames is starting to change. He's lost the want to adventure. He wants to be with Aida, whom he cannot be with because Aida is a slave. He is confused about his emotions, about himself, and about his situation. He doesn't know what to do. On top of it all, he is afraid of doing something because of the repercussions that could occur. It's amazing how one little event in someone's life, no matter how insignificant it could seem at first, can change a person. So what event happened to me to make me change into the person I am now? I moved to Nashville.

We all lead such elaborate lives
Wild ambitions in our sights
How an affair of the heart survives
Days apart and hurried nights
Seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to live like that
Seems quite unbelievable to me
I don't want to love like that
I just want our time to be
Slower and gentler, wiser, free
We all live in extravagant times
Playing games we can't all win
Unintended emotional crimes
Take some out take others in

I'm so tired of all we're going through
I don't want to live like that
I'm so tired of all we're going through
I don't want to love like that
I just want to be with you
Now and forever, peaceful, true

This may not be the moment to tell you face to face
But I could wait forever for the perfect time and place

We all lead such elaborate lives
We don't know whose words are true
Strangers, lovers, husbands, wives
Hard to know who's loving who

Too many choices tear us apart
I don't want to live like that
Too many choices tear us apart
I don't want to love like that
I just want to touch your heart
May this confession
Be the start

Finally, in this lovely duet between Aida and Radames, I can relate to this given my sexuality and what is currently going on. In this song, Radames confesses his love to Aida. Both of them are aware that their love is illegal and frowned upon, but they do not care. They feel they should be with each other. It is no secret that I am gay. It is also no new news that gay marriages are going on as we speak. It is also no new news that there are several people higher up in the political and social arenas that are trying to "protect the sacred meaning of marriage." As such, I can relate to this song, and feel it applies to me. If I fall in love with any man, it is an unintended emotional crime. My affair, if and when one should happen, would be conducted under the dark of night, hidden from the eyes of the public, because I am not of the normal sexuality. Let me rephrase that. I am not of the majority's sexuality. All I want to do is be able to fall in love like the next straight person, but I am unable to do so. Any kind of legitimate love affair I have had or will ever have is now and forever will be an unintended emotional crime if not made legal. There is no such thing as an emotional crime, so my falling in love with another of the same gender should be legal as a heterosexual falling in love with another person.

---

That's all I got at the moment.

Becoming Antisocial

I talked to Bill last night. It was a bitter sweet conversation. I needed to find out the truth about some things, and I knew that only he would give it to me no holds barred. I got what I wanted, and started to think about it.

My main concern is that not only am I getting worst the older I get with all these mysterious issues, but the fact that I keep chasing away people once I feel comfortable and close to them. The need and very want for them to be around me and give me some kind of attention is one that no one wants in a friend, no matter how close they get.

Last night, before I went to bed, I uninstalled Yahoo! Messenger. I almost uninstalled AIM too. Almost. For some reason, I thought that my sister may want to use it if and when she uses the computer down here. I don't think this is likely since she has one of her own now, but you never know.

My horoscope said to look up the prices and hotels of a place that I have long to go to buy obviously cannot for whatever reason. It also said that a close friend of mine will become more than that. I'm not going to listen to it.

Test Results

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||| 22% Schizoid |||||||||||||| 54% Schizotypal |||||||||||| 42% Antisocial |||| 14% Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Narcissistic |||||| 22% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 54% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 70% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 46%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Disorder Info

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.


Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic

Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.


Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive

Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

Is it just me, or are some of the really bad ones rather high? I mean, I knew I was messed up, but DAMN! My score changed since the last time.

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

You are the leader pot smokers emulate. You are Che Guevara. You have your own revolutionary arty style. Dying tragically on a mountain appeals to you.

Say what?!

I have issues with...

persecution envy sacrifice identity fate

Take Word Association Test

I doubt this is accurate, but hey, it's a start.

Yay!

It appears that my blog about America being a hypocrite has attracted the attention of a new reader.

And I thought my blog wasn't even getting out there.

Today's Horoscope Says...

More than one phone call could come to you today bringing absolutely wonderful news! Exciting and wonderful changes are in the wind, dear Aries, but you need to bear in mind that with the good news comes the unknown. Your life may be turned virtually upside down. However, consider this: do you really want to stay in the same rut for the rest of your life? Gird up your loins, and look forward to an adventure!

This sounds promising. Why not? I listened to the last one and things pretty much worked out okay, even if I was an asshole to two of the closest people I have ever known in my life, albeit a cyber one.

Jonathan Abarquez - Asshole

I got to talk to James tonight on IMs. Somewhere along the lines, I snapped and started acting like a complete asshole. I have no idea as to why as of right now. I think it had something to do with what he said. In any event, James eventually got tired of me and passed the torch to David.

The snap affected the way I talked to David. For the most part, he was rather numb to everything I said. Much like my parents, in some respects. I ended up pissing him off when we got on the subject of how a lover won't just fall out of the sky and into my lap. I made the comment that if it can happen to David, then there is no reason why it couldn't happen to me. Apparently, my memory isn't the greatest thing in the world. Then again, it never was. The way I remember is that David came home one day and the love of his life was right there with Dan and the others hanging out. The next thing I new they were hooked up and a couple. Actually, come to think of it, that's how I remember most of how they all hook up. Kind of strange, now that I think about it. Only the settings change from person to person. In any event, David got pissed and left the computer.

So here I am, still in this hard-ass kind of mood all because of some reason I have no clue over. I need to get my ass kicked, but no one will do it here. My disillusional self has been elevated to a new high, and my feelings towards others numbed. All of which is bad to all those that I do not have any kind of physical contact with, as well as to those that know me well enough online.

Why is it this always happens? Whenever I'm on break, I always end up experiencing some kind of drama that is really not needed in my life.

James said that if I were to disappear, he wouldn't react. Why would he? I bet the only one that would react is Bill, seeing how the two of us are practically brothers. This alone is enough to give me an excuse not to disappear for a while like I've been thinking about doing. I honestly do not need any of this, because I don't do well in it. My emotions and self-esteem is already shot all to hell to where I was almost willing to become a cheap gay whore! Still though, I love Bill and is very attatched to him. He may be a good thing for me, but who knows since he is all the way where he is and I'm stuck in Music City.

There is one thought that is looming in the back of my head though. I'm starting to wonder if Jason (another one) in my 3-D class is gay or not. I doubt he is, but I'll have to see if I can catch him alone to talk to him. He's cute, but in that kind of in that "lost puppy" kind of way. Then again, that's how his hair looks like when he isn't wearing his hat.

God I'm a slut. I'm an asshole and a slut and an artist. How original.

Creature Update

Creature	Population Change
Bald Bass	+25
Butt Munky	+49
Dragood	0
Fiend	0
Friend	+24
Furifly	-4
Glitch	+4
Glyphsi	0
Groupie	+25
Hairam	+25
Happy Snapper	+25
Horn Helm Hermit	+25
Huggle	+52
Krick-Krick	0
Mad Melee	+25
Mermunky	+38
Muchster	-1
Munkifly	+38
Munky	+39
Omnibat	+25
Pinwheel Plant	+10
Salmon Seer	-3
Scarnet	+25
Scaterpede	+25
Surfbored	+25
Swicken	+25
Throwing Froad	0
Turish	-1
Whiwon	-1
Zen Munky	+38

Wow, looks like a few have started to die off. No big changes though. I think I'll stop making creatures and see how these pan out. If they all become fossils, then I'll just make some more.

America: The Land of Hypocrisy

You take great pleasure in having a neat and organized house, dear Aries. In your mind, cleanliness really is next to godliness. Today, you may find yourself dismayed by how run-down you have allowed your home to become. It's time for some clearing out, scouring and scrubbing! Do this yourself, rather than having hired help. You will be pleasantly surprised at how much it will help you to clear your head.

That was my horoscope for the day. I decided to listen to it and start by cleaning up myself. While in the shower, I had an epiphany.

My sister the other day noted that rapper 50 Cent went on the record and said that he doesn't like gay people, but loves lesbians. Hypocrite? Yeah. I responded to that saying that was nothing compared to the fact that America has an amendment protecting free speech and the FCC who is in charge of censoring shit.

While taking a shower, a thought related to the above came into my mind.

America is the biggest hypocrite of them all.

Where else but America can you legally fire someone because they are gay? You can! The armed service does it! Unfortunately, it is also legal in several other states in the country as well, including Tennessee. From the worst job like working a gas pump and flipping burgers to a white color job at the corporate headquarters of Dell, anyone can be fired because they are homosexual. Can gay people cry discrimination when this happens? No, they can't. When a black person or any other person of a different ethnic origin is fired due to the fact that, sadly, some people higher up do not like them for what they are instead of their work performance, they can claim racism. The race card works in this situation because of the whole fear factor that the government will come down on the big wigs charging them who-knows-how-much all because they did not give a person of different ethnic background the same opportunities as a white person. This cannot be done for a homosexual. What would they yell when they get fired? Sexuality discrimination? By the time they get the "sex" part out of their mouths, they are already out the door! This is only one of several examples as to how America doesn't have equal rights anymore. The biggest one, and probably the most current one involves the issue of gay marriages. Need I go on and press that big red button again?! Only in America can we protect people of different skin color under so-called "equal rights" and not those that happen to fancy the same sex.

Moving on now to the subject of the FCC. In a country founded on the concept of free speech and freedom of the press, we have "an independent United States government agency, directly responsible to Congress", that was made to "regulating interstate and international communications by radio, television, wire, satellite and cable. The FCC's jurisdiction covers the 50 states, the District of Columbia, and U.S. possessions." Yes, the very same government which gave us the freedom to say what we want made an organization to regulate what we say, see, and do in any media we choose. This is why Janet Jackson's boob got so much attention. This is why Politically Incorrect was pulled off the air after 9/11. This is why Howard Stern was pulled off several radio stations. In fact, according to Bill Maher, most of these shows and broadcasts are not even watched by the FCC! They could care less, in fact! The only reason they even do these things is when someone offends a lot of people, and those people, however many they may be, complain to the higher ups saying shit like "Think about the children!" Well, I thought about them, and I hate to tell you soccer moms and football dads this, but your children are seeing more sexual content than they saw during the Super Bowl, learning more fowl words than the Jerry Springer sensors can keep off the air waves, and watching (and enjoying) scenes of violence and gore that would probably make your head spin faster than the girl in The Exorcist. Is the FCC doing their job? No, and quite honestly, I don't want them to. So what if you children know more about sex at age 12 than you did? So what if they know how to clean out a gun faster than your grandfather did back "during the war" (whichever war that may be)? So what if they know how to blow up the school using nothing more but primacord and the battery to a car (Hey, I do! Learned that from my dad, too!)? I saw naked people when I just got the internet at age 10! In this day and age, the age of those sexually active is dropping to just after puberty! If you listen to some of the language of teenagers these days in a casual conversation, they are more than likely going to say a few "naught words" to express how they feel. And doesn't it surprise you that the most popular video game out there is one that lets you steal cars and run over people? That is, if you don't feel like doing a drive by. All these rating systems and attempts to clean up all the blood, sex, and potty mouths is just useless! The FCC is better off spying on international communications between high ranking government officials and known terrorists than they are with Jackson's boobs! The MPAA is better of being a member of the mysterious academy that gives out awards to actors that can lie on screen but can't in court. And the people that rate video games? Are they not aware that their system doesn't work and it never has? In the land where everyone is demanding free speech and freedom to be, act, and do as they please, we need to get rid of the one thing that is giving the country the biggest title of hypocrisy ever. Only in America can we say that we promise everyone the right to say as they want, as protected by the First Amendment, provided it passes the sensors.

I don't care if you call me an ex-patriot. I never was a patriot to begin with! The only reason I'm even an American, if even by title, is because I was born here. Unfortunately, I am not an American. I am of Asian decent, not Native American. I am gay, a sexuality that is currently not being treated as an equal by the masses. I believe in God but I do not go to church, a practice that is frowned upon here in the Bible belt where I live. I am an artist, a member of the most under appreciated social group in the world with the exception of, maybe, France. On top of all this, I do not know how to drive or have a job or live on my own, three things that, apparently, one needs to be "someone" in society.

I live in a land that says people can do and say as they please, but I also live in a land that says that people must do and say as the land pleases.

So what is there left for me to say to that I can get away with? "Fuck America?" Not my style.

What is there left for me to do that I can get away with that I haven't already tried? Create really offensive art pointing out everything that is wrong with this country? Maybe when I grow some balls.

In a land of so much opportunity, it is amazing how little choices we really have.

This is all just my opinion. You can either agree with it, or damn me to hell. Just don't shoot me over it.

How To Not Be Jealous

While talking to David last night and hearing about how he is being treated like a king, I found out how to not be jealous of him, or anyone for that matter.

It's really simple. All you do is stop caring. I was pretty much numb the entire night to feelings, mostly because I slept the day away, but at least I wasn't jealous of him for the most part.

Yet ANOTHER Random Rant

I've been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about myself. More so than I really should for a Sunday, but still.

I want to believe that I am one of those rare cases in life where someone is born that doesn't really fit the normal standards of society. I'm not talking about a defect or anything like that (although I may have a few of my own). I mean one of those kind of people that are so special that the world doesn't believe they belong. Like one of the X-men, in some light.

I want to believe that, but at the same time, the pressures and standards that everyone says I should conform to still loom over me like a dark cloud.

I've never been normal, though. I'm gay. That's not normal by any standards. Yes, I've accepted it. I have no problem with me being attracted to guys. I also know that this isn't concidered "normal" by most standards. Unfortunately, what is normal and what isn't is an abstraction that people refuse to see as an abstraction. In other words, people are responsible for what they call normal. There is no normal. There is no abnormal. It's all just a matter of opinions.

So what is my opinion of myself?

I believe that, while a promising individual, I suck as a human. I do not meet the bars set by the rest of society, and at the same time, I don't care. I have no drive to. All I want to do is have fun, make and create art, and maybe get laid (if that will ever happen in this life time ever again). I cannot see reality, and I really don't want to because of how much reality sucks!

But this is me just comparing myself to everyone again. Something I should not do. I should be my own person. I should be able to tell people that this is who I am. So what if I cannot drive? So what if I believe that I do not have the level of responsiblity to hold down a job? What does it matter to you? Why should it? This is who I am! Like it or not!

I've said this many times only to take it back.

I hate being this fickle in my mind set. It's bad enough to be indecisive, but to be hypocritical at the same time?

This journey of self discovery is taking its toll. Earlier today, I found myself on an Adult personal ad site, the kind where people who want to be swingers and hookers go so they don't have to answer to a pimp. When I came to as to where I was and what I was doing, I deleted my account from the site immediately. Has my life and everything that has happened to me resulted in this? The near sudden action to becoming a cheap whore for the gay community (or lack there of) in Nashville? Probably when I'm homeless and need the money for food. Don't think that I don't believe that time will come. If I'm destine to rot like Bill said, I might as well go deeper in the gutter.

Yeah, I know that what I am saying is insane. I shouldn't be thinking this. I shouldn't be typing this. I should talking about other things, maybe something more productive, but what is there left to do that I actually want to do? Like I said, I have no drive to learn how to drive! I have no want to work! I feel fine being able to create and have what little fun I can have. Pathetic as this sounds, I almost don't want nothing more than this.

I think I'm like this because of how I was brought up and raised. That's the only logical explination. Blame the past for the present that is now the past before the present can be call the present.

They always say that things will work out for you in the end. What they don't tell you is that "the end" means when you are dead.

Not The Way I Wanted To Start Spring Break

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain. Appropriate given my state of mind.

I was thinking about myself. Where I was going to end up. How I am suppose to survive this world. My mind drifted back and forth between what David said about if I was with him last night, he'd try to make me feel happy and then to about Leo saying that I am his type and back to Bill saying all these bad things about who I am but then saying that he still loves me no matter what. I then started to wonder about my pieces of art. I started to do what I told myself I wouldn't do and began comparing myself to everyone else in my other classes. Feeling very insecure, I grabbed my comfort pillows and pretended it was someone who gave a damn about me and cared about me to where they would protect me from the world and all its pains, its standards, and the harsh truth that I will never make it in reality simply because of who I am.

I am lazy. I don't want to learn anything that doesn't interest me.

I am a mooch. I don't want to do anything that will reward me for my efforts.

I am greedy. All I want to do is have things, shiny new things, and have fun. Nothing else.

I am an artist. My job is to tell the truth about reality as I see it. I cannot see reality. Does that mean I cannot tell the truth?

All this in the first five minutes of the day. The first five minutes of my official week off from school. The first five minutes of a long, and very depressing, break.

Stay tuned, soap opera lovers and reality TV show fans. You never know were this show will go next.

I need to be committed into an institution for the mentally insane.

I'm rather depressed right now. It's my own damn fault, really. I'm also rather drained of any and all energy, so please excuse any tangents an incoherrent thoughts. Just knock that off to the fact that I'm about to drop dead as I'm blogging this.

I got to talk to David this afternoon. I missed talking to him. He's a really great guy, and really understanding. Unfortunately, my feelings and emotions were not in check and I started balling to him about Sunday andall my insecurities. Interestingly enough, he said that while he feels for me he also doesn't because he knows I won't do anything for myself.

Eventually, I got to talk to Bill. Ever since Sunday, I've not been the same mentally and, somewhat, emotionally. I've needed him since Sunday. What I needed from him was to kick my ass. I mean, really kick it. I was so ready to leave, but for some reason, probably and more than likely my own fault, I couldn't bring myself to do what was needed to be done. Not without Bill to kick my ass. He did just what I wanted him to do, but unfortunately, it had no effect on me. If anything, it was the case for me being so drained right now just to endure what he threw at me. He does that to me a lot whenever he verbally kicks my ass, only this time, he drained a lot. Still, it was the same thing as it was the last time. Like Bill said, I'm still in the same place in the same situation and I'm still hating it all the same. I have done nothing for myself and I will not ever do anything for myself. I will just rot.

The entire time I kept thinking to myself about the things that have happened in my life. Growing up, all those teasings and enduring things like not really having any real friends to hang out with and all those things. I started to wonder if this had any kind of effect on me at all. It probaby has, which could warrent a future case for it to help stop this kind of thing from happening in schools instead of a scare tactic like the person you tease is going to kill everyone. Hey, it's probably more effective too. You tease someone long enough, they will lack the self confidence to do much of anything. That's probably why I acutally want to do my reports during my spring break. I mean, what else can I do? I'm not normal. I never was. Maybe I was at one point, but then everything changed. Quite honestly, I hate the way I came out. I hate the fact that all I do is complain and bitch here. I hate the fact that I cannot bring myself to do anything. I hate the fact that I can't change that which I hate.

That's why I need Bill in my life more than ever. He can change me. He can kick my ass. He can definately do something to me that would probably help me out for the better. Something I know I won't get from my parents, because if I could, I would have already gotten it by now.

I need to be committed into an institution for the mentally insane. Seriously. I need to. Van Gogh did it, so why not? Not only will I be taken care of, but at least I'll also find out what the fuck is wrong with me.

That reminds me. There's this Student Aid Program at Watkins. It is suppose to be like a mental health hotline that promises you three visits with a doctor, paid for by the school, to determin if you really need help. When I come back from break, I'll need to find that number, because I'm convinced that I cannot opperate anymore in the real world.

Then again, I can't opperate in any world.

The little energy I have left is running out. I'm too lazy to spell check this.

Good night, you stupid world. I'll see you in hell if I get there before you do.

ATTACK OF THE MUNKYS!

I created several different Munkys for my sister. No reason. Just wanted to.

The first one I created was the Zen Munky. This little guy likes to meditate a lot.

Next up is the Munkifly. This cheeky little creature likes to fly around and doesn't like it when someone stops it mid-flight.

Then we have the Mermunky. This little guy likes to swim, but loves to cliff dive! Its dives sometimes end up being fatal. That's what happens when you don't look before you leap. This is also the only Munky that I've made where you can see the back of its ear.

Finally, I made the Butt Munky. That's what my sister calls me a when I annoy her. Should be funny to see her response to this one.

I made one more, but I think I mentioned it more than I should right now.

A Good Day Worth Blogging

Today was actually fun, and, dare I say, liberating.

When I had the chance, I set up my piece that was made of some choice CDs, videos, all my DVDs, a few plushies, and the most important piece, my trunk. To add to the random splashes of color, I put my Playstation up and set DDR on the demo loop.

Overall, I was very impressed at how well the class read all of the objects of my piece. They noticed the black trunk first, something I wasn't expecting or intending. I wanted them to look at all the colorful things first. They saw that there was a link to some of the things on the table and the video game playing. All in all, they hit everything on the nail head. It makes me wonder just how obvious I really am. However, people are now curious as to what I keep in my trunk. There's hints littered through my blog, so if you feel like trying to find out yourself, go for it!

The other projects were very interesting. I mean, really interesting. There was one that was so symbolic, it was like some kind of ritual. Another involved food and little messages underneath, both literally and figuratively. All the performance pieces were interesting and very personal. You couldn't help but feel something when watching them. Very powerful.

You know, blogging this just doesn't do the day justice. You would have to live it through my eyes in order to appreciate it. Thinking about it right now, I guess it is easier for me to blog about the bad things more than good. I probably said this before, but it is true. When good things happen, it just seems so hard to capture those happy feelings in words. When bad things happen, I am able to express them so easily to where anyone reading can feel my paint. I guess it is like that with most writings that are this personal.

Anyway, I had fun today. More fun that I thought that a class like this could offer, really. I bet you anything that no class in the nation ever had this much fun ever during their sessions. It was a nice way to start Spring Break.

TODAY IS IT!!

Today is the last day I have in class before Spring Break!

Yes, I know I hyped it up the last time, but this time I'm actually happy about it. Even though I am doing reports out the ass over the week, at least I get to do it on my own damn time. No one breathing down my back. No one to tell me that I am doing something wrong.

Unfortunately for me, no one can take me to where I want to go either. So, most of my reports I'll be doing over the week are going to have to rely heavily on what I have access to on the internet.

And we all know how that normally turns out, don't we?

Another Real Life Glitch

Glitch has struck again!

When gathering my things for my Drawing 2 assignment coming up this Thursday (since I was technically done with my Wednesday assignments), I tested out all my game systems. That's when I discovered something.

My SegaCDX apparently cannot play the same sound twice in a row at a certain interval. This is a real distraction because I like to play Sonic on there. We all know how fast the old Sonic games were. Thankfully, it only does that on the CD-based games. The cartridge games, for the most part, are bug free. However, I did notice a slight lag in the controller response when I was playing Aladdin.

Oh well, at least I can still play without any really bad distractions, unlike what happened with my SNES.

Unable To Do What Is Needed

Yesterday, someone told me that it looks like I am ready to move out after I was complaining about my Sunday. I told her some excuse that I can't even remember.

After a good night sleep, I finally realized something.

Yes, I am mentally and probably emotionally ready to move out of this so-called home, but I do not have the responsibility to care for myself. That responsibility comes with being able to hold my own, and I can barely do that as it is right now with school work! While I may be able to stand on my own two feet for the most part, I am still going to end up back where I started because of the fact that, like a newborn, I can't stand on my own two feet for long before I hit my ass again. I still have to figure out how to walk in order for me to move out, in other words.

If and when I do move out, I'm leaving that damn piece my mom broke. Something to remind her why I really left.

You can tell I'm still bitter about it, can't you?

Slowing Down Some

With Spring Break on the horizon, today's classes have been taking it rather slow. For example, in Color just now, I was able to get out at 15:30 instead of 16:00! The reason is because all I had to do in there was make sure that I had my portfolio all ready. I could rework some of my past projects, but I never do that even if I wanted to. What's done is done, and that is that.

So now what is left to do? Well, I was able to color all but two of my drawings due for Drawing 2. I also need to type up my three points for Art History, but seeing as how I don't have my notes with me, I can't do that here in the library, now can I? Too bad the last two drawings I have left to add color to involve the sound of meat cooking on a grill and the sound the gas pump makes when your tank is full. What kind of colors are associated to those sounds anyway?

I was able to get my stresses out though over yesterday. I slammed a really big chunk of clay in 3-D! You have no idea how relieving that is sometimes. Still, in any event, I do not want to be stressed any more.

I really with my little Friend was real... or at least interactive. I'm still waiting to see if any of my 11 creatures are able to survive!

Lucky Me

I don't know what I did, but I somehow got the 802.11b 2.4 GHz wireless router to work.

This is me going on record that I have no idea how I got the two computers in the house to wirelessly connect to the internet. I repeat: This blog entry is evidence that I have no clue as to what I did to get the wireless router and adaptor to read and recognize each other.

Now, if someone is able to do a "drive-by" hack job, that tells me that this stupid thing wasn't secured right by my own ignorance. If I am to be blamed for anything, blame me for that and not for the fact that the connection died between here and my sister's computer upstairs.

Two New Creatures

I just created a Ying-Yang pair of creatures based on what I've gone through today. Again, just someone else to blame much like Glitch.

I give you Friend and Fiend. They are almost exact opposites too.

The Worst Day I Can Remember

My horoscope said not to do anything today. Just keep to myself and concentrate on other things like writing or playing video games.

I should have listened to it.

This morning, my mom and my sister went off to Best Buy to check out a computer deal. I went along to see if they were selling School Tycoon. They weren't.

I should have never went along, though.

Once my quest was over, I was turned into the private family IT again. My mom needed information on this, that, and the other involving computers. Why? Well, I can tell you this much, it wasn't for me.

I was promised a new computer for getting into college. I never got it, and it's mid-terms of the second semester for me. No, this new computer was for my sister. Why did she take priority? Well, she always has. Today, however, is special, because there's a reason. She's going out of state for college. She will need a place to go to type up her papers and all that fun stuff. So, she took priority.

While waiting for all the rebates and receipts to print out, I kept feeling like I got the shaft yet again. Worst still, I didn't realize it until we were at the check-out counter. My sister caught this first, and then my mom eventually got the hint. She told me why my sister was taking priority on getting a new computer and assured me that I'll get one eventually. I took that promise like I take my fries when I cook them, with a grain of salt.

Eventually, after everything was said and done, I became the pack mule. I had to clean out the trunk of the SUV, put the boxes of the new computer in, and take them back out again once we got home.

Thinking that I finally escaped my blight, I retired to my room to spend some time by myself. I then noticed out the corner of my eye that someone put one of my pieces where they shouldn't be. I went over to see what was up. My mom cleaned my room.

That's when I saw something that just made me so mad that I actually told the world to fuck off and leave me alone.

That 3-D assignment that gave me a whole lot of hell, the one that ended up looking like a chair, was broken. Logic told me it was because of my mom when she was gathering the scraps of foam board. I spent too damn long on that project, and it had to get broken by someone other than myself. Normally, if it broke and I was to blame, then I would get over it before the hour was up. However, this is not the case. Someone else broke my art. Someone else broke something I put my blood, sweat, and tears into. Be it accidental or on purpose, someone broke it. Someone touched something that was sacred to me.

I stormed up to my mother and yelled at her. I told her how she broke it, and in her ignorance, she thought that it could be fixed oh-so-easily. She will never understand what that means to me. I knew that the moment she offered to help by taping it back up. I told her to leave and never enter my room ever again. She fired back that this was her house.

This may be "her" house, but I don't go into their room and mess with their things. I don't display her Virgin Mary nesting doll my aunt got her from Russia the way I feel it needs to be displayed. I don't go in there and rearrange her furniture. I don't go in there and mess with her sheets. Hell, at the most, the only reason I go into her room is to use the bathroom since mine doesn't have a shower! How is it that she can get away with touching my things and cleaning up my room with the logic that this is her house and I have no say in what goes on in it?!

Pissed off at how little respect I get for my personal stuff, I turned the stereo in my room louder than I've ever dared to go and put in my Linkin Park CD. The bass alone made my water bottle do that ripple thing that Jurassic Park made famous. With all the angry songs on the CD, nothing was able to absorb the vibe. About three tracks into the CD, I found myself cuddling, actually clenching on to for dear life, with my Rocky the Flying Squirrel plushie. I held it close to my heart for some kind of comfort. I never got it. All that got me was a soggy plushie due to the sweat and tears that ended up falling on it. I then tried to sing and get my frustrations out that way. I sang and belted my voice to the point where it hurts to talk. Still nothing.

I came downstairs to go to take a piss, to which my sister said that she was almost done using the computer. The old one, not the new one. The new one hasn't been connected yet. I didn't respond. I went to the bathroom and took a piss. After which, I then told her that I was not feeling good today. Today has been nothing but shit to me. Then my mom made herself known. She asked me something, but I completely ignored her. I'm still hurt by the fact that she moved my art, and a piece I spent so long on no less, only to break it as well as thinking that it could be fixed just as easily as she broke it.

So here I am, blogging about my day. I don't want anything else to happen to me. I really don't. I don't want to get angry any more. I just want to be alone with someone that knows how to take care of me. Unfortunately, that person is several states away right now. And I'm still not feeling any better. In fact, I'm feeling worst after blogging this. I feel worst because I know that this is the only way I can get people to actually listen to me... and all this is just text with very little emotion behind them.

Damn it, Bill, I need you now more than ever! You don't know how much I need you right now!

The Glitch

I finally have something to blame for all those typos I've made at Creaturecology.com now! Click here to see this cute menace.

A Creativity Overflow

Finally, my imagination has somewhere to go with this new Creaturecology thing. Granted that I know this is just some brilliant way of getting people to spam your friends (Thank goodness for my spam e-mail account, huh?), but it is still a nice outlet when I cannot think of a new Neopet plot for the guild that I am in. Hey, writing fan fictions can only let out so much for someone as visual as I am.

Anyway, here is my latest creation, the Whiwon. There's a pun in the description of the creature for those of you that like stupid humor.

More Paint Wasted

Because my Saturday Morning cartoons were all re-runs for the most part, I did my landscape painting for Color. More paint was wasted, but thankfully not enough to warrant me going out to buy more.

One of these days, I'm going to have to rip a page out of Picasso's book and have wine bottles of nothing but paint colors. I may need that much.

In any event, I'm not happy with the painting. It looks really bad, and forced. In a way, it was, due to the fact that this is for a grade and I was trying to beat the clouds before they covered the sun (which I was unable to do, in case you are wondering). Needless to say, I'm not expecting a good grade from that project.

Now all I have to do is read and respond to an article, my sound drawings, and paint some more!

When is Spring Break again?

I Have A New Vice

I found Creaturecology on Newgrounds.com. Who knew that Tom Fulp had a monster collector side?

Anyway, this little guy is my first creature that I created. Isn't it cute?

I also created another creature called a Krick-Krick. I think this one will survive better than the Turish I made earlier. Why? Because I actually read the site's game manual and tip page. I didn't with the first creature.

I also made the Salmon Seer. Yes, I know the name is lame, but I'm conducting a few experiments. Of the three I've created, this little guy is the smartest. Let's see how smarts compare to muscle, shall we?

Speeking of muscle, I created the Furifly. It's a cave-dwelling bug with an appetite for meat. It's one of those kind of animals that when you see it, you better run before it sees you.

Finally, I created quite possibly the cutest creature I can make! The Glyphsi. I couldn't fit everything I wanted to into the description, though. I wanted to meantion that the little horn on its head changes color depending on its mood. Oh well. Maybe on the next creature I make.

Now that I have five different creatures, I think I'll see what happens to them and report them here once I get some kind of update. Should be interesting.

The Rain

There is just something about the rain, particularly the sound, that makes it so hard for me to wake up after a deep sleep. It is as if the rain is telling me to go back to sleep. Go back to your perfect little dream world. Slip back into that little place you were at where you were on your own enjoying life. Go back to that little bubble you created where people actually like you. Stay where you were before you had to return to reality. You were happier there.

Yeah, that's what the rain was telling me. I guess that's why I like the rain so much.

No, seriously. I feel guilty about what I blogged about him for some reason or another. So tell me, please. What do I do about him?

Stream of Consciousness

I got it to work! Remember a while back when I wanted to put one up but couldn't do the HTML and CSS problems? Well, I found a way around it, so now I have a new feature for the blog! It kind of feels out of place for now, but soon it will be just another feature of the blog just like the WeatherPixie and links to the side.

Why I Look At Personal Ads

With nothing better to do since all the homework I brought with me is relatively complete, I found myself bored and looking up personal ads on Yahoo! Why?

That's good question I need to get into right now.

James. You know him, you either hate him or you love him. Me, I love the moose. I really do. Unfortunately, my love for him is not the same kind of (scary) love he has for me. No, as late as I should have admitted this, the romance is really rather gone now. I think what turned me off the most was the fact that of how he has been acting lately, trying to make me his own while he is already in a relationship. Call me old fashion, but I don't need that kind of drama.

So, how does this relate to the fact that I'm looking up personal ads of people I know I will never meet due to the fact that I promised myself I will never meet anyone I meet online, especially someone I meet on a personal site? Simple. I want out.

That's right. I want out of this. I want to move on. I'm sorry, James, I really am. I love you tons, just not in the way you want me to. I hope you understand this. Then again, you will probably want me to explain it just a little bit.

See, I love James more like a friend now if anything at all. I pretty much gave up on having him as a boyfriend when he first started dating (and then ended up staying with) Matt. Through some rather unusual drama (Well, it wasn't that unusual if you were living a TV Soap Opera.), Matt, James, and I pretty much went out ways. You can read some of the other dramas that happened here in the archives (CHEAP POP!). Turn off number two came just recently when James kept doing things that made me feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately for me, James also has this strange power to make me feel so submissive, you couldn't tell me apart from a two cent whore!

Still, James is taken. He may not be happy, like everyone tells me, but, as mean as this sounds, that's his problem. After all, he couldn't wait to get a boyfriend what with everyone around him dating and all that jazz. You know the song and dance.

Good things come to those who wait.

In any event, I'm feeling the need to want to meet cute and interesting people again, hopefully with the result that I want. I just want to be able to do this before James comes down to visits me and does something he should have done last semester. I guess he doesn't realize that what he missed out on was a one shot deal. He doesn't get a repeat even though I feel he deserves one. The reason why is because of the fact that, yes, it is nice to redo and correct past mistakes, but what has happen has happened. He told me himself he got cold feet, and my mind since then hasn't changed much at all about how much he is easily overtaken by fear of something, let alone fear of me!

It's a good thing I'm Leo's type. If I was a gambling man, I bet I'd end up with Leo in one way or another, dramatic or otherwise. Then again, I never was good at betting on anything, so forget I said that.

Still, though, James really needs to get it through his head. As long as he has Matt by his side, who is foolishly but loyally following every single one of James's wishes, I can only be involved as a friend. I do not want whatever romantic affair he has planned in his little brain of his. Not anymore.

Too bad Bill is straight. He and I have been getting rather close, and I feel a mesh between us that I really cannot put my finger on as to why we have one going on. Just thinking about him right now makes me feel some kind of psychic connection. Something tells me he will read this blog shortly after I publish it.

You know, looking back at what I just wrote, this has nothing to do with why I look at personal ads...

...or does it?

I Need A New Family

While riding in the car this morning on the way to school, I felt like I was ignored again. Yes, I know it is partly because I do not really speak or anything in public (even though I do feel sometimes that I talk too much as it is), but still, it would be nice to feel like I am a part of something bigger.

My sister and my mom seem to be growing closer, yet I seem to be growing farther away from the family as a whole. This kind of sucks. Okay, I take that back. This really sucks.

As part of an Asian background, I was told and always believed that the family is, above all else, a unit. The parents and the children, however many there may be of each, are a single identity. Each are involved in one and the others life in one way or another. Each cannot live without the other's support, love, understanding. The family unit, as I see it, is one where no matter how many fights you get in to, you still love each other. Respect should be taken as granted in a family, because, as I've been told too, you don't necessarily have to like the person in order to respect them. Many teenagers and young adults hate their parents for one reason or another, but yet they still respect them. Even though I don't display it the way I should by other standards, I respect my elders. When I say that "respect should be taken as granted," I really mean that it should go without saying. Every family has to have respect for everyone in the unit, or else you can't really function as one homogeneous unit.

Still, as much as I respect everyone in my family, I really wish they made me a part of their lives more growing up. It seems that we have all drifted away from each other since we moved down to Nashville. My aunt is off doing her own thing. My mom is working so hard it makes me want to give her a vacation again, thanks to this new job of hers. My sister has her own social life and has had a boyfriend when I can't even boast that! And my dad pretty much sits there in the kitchen making sure the family has some kind of income thanks to the family owned store. Me, I'm off in my little bubble in my room above the garage making art that no one in my family knew I was capable of producing! Then again, they don't know a lot about me.

I guess it's too late to wish for a new family, but the one I have right now, however great in its own way, just doesn't feel like one. At least, not at the moment.

A Hypocrisy

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Sweet Score!

I am so stoked right now! You cannot know how much! I mean, DAMN! Even though I know this is going to be one of those temporary happy moments, at least I have one!

Today, we got back our Art History Mid-term tests. Before she handed them out, my teacher gave out a little speech saying how the grades broke down and how many there were in the class. There was one F. Everyone got paranoid. As papers were handed out, everyone was pleasantly surprised.

I, myself, got a 91 on the test! That's an A- if I remember correctly!!

History has never been my thing. Never will be. This grade makes me feel so much better about the class and how I study things now. You have no idea how encouraging good grades are to a nerd like me, especially in a subject I've never excelled in!

I hope nothing ruins my day from this point out!