Songs of my Heart

I was working on my 2D collage and ran out of glue in the process. Right now, I'm waiting for it to dry.

But this is unimportant to something that has been on my mind for a while.

Awhile back, I blogged about how I keep reverting back to a default fantasy of the perfect boy. The other night, I game him a name, and that name made me think long and hard about my feelings deep inside. That name was James. Yes, James, as in the muscle god, the Adonis, the perfect boy ever built. The very same James that is a dumb as a post but as loving and caring as an angel. Yes, the very same James I had an internet fling with. Since then, I've been trying to get rid of the fantasy, but the sad fact is that it gives me way too much comfort every time I go into that little bubble every night.

Today, I was listening to my aunt's AIDA soundtrack. James came up again, but it was thanks to various songs from the Broadway play. It distracted me from my work. The first song was "Easy As Life", which made me think about my choice when I e-mailed them something I will not blog about here.

Easy As Life
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Tim Rice

This is the moment when the gods expect me
To beg for help but I won't even try
I want nothing in the world but myself to protect me
And I won't lie down, roll over and die

All I have to do is forget how much I love him
All I have to do is put my longing to one side
Tell myself that love's an ever-changing situation
Passion would have cooled
And all the magic would have died
It's easy
It's easy

All I have to do is pretend I never knew him
On those very rare occasions when he steals into my heart
Better to have lost him when the ties were barely binding
Better the contempt of the familiar cannot start
It's easy
It's easy

Until I think about him as he was when I last touched him
And how he would have been were I to be with him today
Those very rare occasions don't let up they keep on coming
All I ever wanted and I'm throwing it away
It's easy
It's easy as life

But then I see the faces of a worn, defeated people
A father and a nation who won't let a coward run
Is this how the gods reward the faithful through the ages?
Forcing us to prove that the hardest things we've done
Are easy
So easy

And though I'll think about him till the earth draws in around me
And though I choose to leave him for another kind of love
This is no denial, no betrayal, but redemption
Redeemed in my own eyes and in the pantheon above
It's easy
It's easy as life
It's easy as life
It's easy as life

I don't know what it is about this song, but it makes me remember how bitter I was to James. How I felt that he was nothing more but an insensitive jerk, too stupid to really know what love should be, and too ignorant to realize that I am a real person with real feelings. It almost makes me feel justified for writing what I wrote. You know, as if I was right. Then I hear "Radames' Letter" and think of the past. This song would have been perfect had I realized my true feelings sooner.

Radames' Letter
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Tim Rice

I'm sorry for everything I've said
And for anything I forgot to say too
When things get so complicated
I stumble at best muddle through
I wish that our lives could be simple
I don't want the world only you

Oh I wish I could tell you this face to face
But there's never the time never the place
So this letter will have to do
I love you

The third and last song from the soundtrack is "Written in the Stars", which for some reason makes me feel a deep regret for my actions, for actually saying in so-many words that I feel better off without James because of how we get along. I don't think the lyrics have that mutual feeling that it should, mostly because I don't know how James feels. At best, I think both parts are a good representation of how two faced I can be.

Written in the Stars
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Tim Rice

Aida
I am here to tell you we can never meet again
Simple really isn't it? A word or two and then
A lifetime of not knowing where or how or why or when
You think of me or speak of me and wonder what befell
Then someone you once so long ago, so well

Radames
Never wonder what I'll feel as living shuffles by
You don't have to ask me and I need not reply

Every moment of my life from now until I die
I will think or dream of you and fail to understand
How a perfect love can be confounded out of hand

Is it written in the stars?
Are we paying for some crime?
Is that all that we are good for
Just a stretch of mortal time?
Or some god's experiment
In which we have no say?

In which we're given paradise
But only for a day

Aida
Nothing can be altered, there is nothing to decide
No escape, no change of heart, nor any place to hide

Radames
You are all I ever want but this I am denied
Sometimes in my darkest thought I wish I'd never learn

Radames & Aida
What it is to be in love
And have that love returned

Aida
Is it written in the stars?
Are we paying for some crime?
Is that all that we are good for
Just a stretch of mortal time?

Radames & Aida
Or some god's experiment
In which we have no say?

In which we're given paradise
But only for a day

ADVERT: Buy the AIDA Original Cast Soundtrack direct from Walt Disney Broadway!

Sometimes, I stumble across something that I want to share because I think it is cool for whatever reason. Recently, for some unexplained reason, I noticed the spiritual undertone of the song "He Lives in You" from The Lion King Broadway. I thought it was an interesting song for church, particularly for baptisms. I think I'm the only one in my family that still gets that impression when listening to the song. I guess I'm the only one that can take it out of context and see it like that. If only I could share this with James.

He Lives in You
Music and Lyrics by Mark Mancina, Jay Rifkin, and Lebo M

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

Night and the spirit of life calling mamela
And a voice just the fear of a child answers
mamela

Ubu khosi bo khokho (This is the throne of our ancestors)

We ndodana ye sizwe sonke (Oh, son of the nation)

Wait, there's no mountain too great
Hear the words and have faith
Have faith

He lives in you
He lives in me

He watches over
Everything we see
Into the water
Into the truth
In your reflection
He lives in you

ADVERT: Buy The Lion King Original Broadway Cast Soundtrack direct from Walt Disney Broadway!

Earlier in a rant of mind, I had a little blog that featured the lyrics to "Home" from Beauty & the Beast Broadway. Apparently, the lyrics I posted earlier do not have a key line that the CD does.

"What I'd give to return to the life that I knew lately?
But I know that I can't solve my problems going back"

This is a bitter pill to swallow, but I know I learned that lesson too late... or maybe I never learned it to begin with seeing how I wish that things were better off with James somewhere in my life.

I think I'll close this blog with a song of the Beast's that pretty much tells how I feel about my future love life as far as where I think my crush on Jason goes. (Wyatt and Coffey are out of the picture now seeing how those feelings were nothing more than me being a slut.) Just replace the gender in the lyrics. Also, keep in mind that this song also reminds me of James. Frankly, I think that if I couldn't get the perfect boy in the world as far as love goes, then I'm not worthy of any boy out there.

If I Can't Love Her
Music by Alan Menken
Lyrics by Tim Rice

And in my twisted face
There's not the slightest trace
Of anything that even hits at kindness
And from my tortured shape
No comfort, no escape
I see, but deep within is utter blindness

Hopeless
As my dream dies
As the time flies
Love a lost illusion
Helpless
Unforgiven
Cold and driven
To this sad conclusion

No beauty could move me
No goodness improve me
No power on earth, if I can't love her
No passion could reach me
No lesson could teach
How I could have loved her and make her love me too
If I can't love her, then who?

Long ago I should have seen
All the things I could have been
Careless and unthinking I moved onward

No pain could be deeper
No life could be cheaper
No point anymore if I can't love her
No spirit could win me
No hope left within me
Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free

But it's not to be
If I can't love her
Let the world be done with me

ADVERT: Buy the Beauty and the Beast Original Broadway Cast Soundtrack direct from Walt Disney Broadway!

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I'm not getting paid to put those links in this blog. I just feel that this time you people should actually get these priceless CDs and add them into your collection much like my aunt did. The music from each of the soundtracks should be rightfully rewarded for their genius and artistic value... even if they are all under $20.