A Lazy Bitch's Rant

Well, despite my best efforts swearing to myself that I was going to be productive this afternoon, I failed. I cannot seem to get myself to cancel what is now known as my "Bum Day" of the week.

I sat around thinking of things to do to keep myself occupied without falling asleep. Everything that I thought up was hard to complete. Movie watching, video game playing, anything that was once remotely fun.

The only real thing I got out of today was the feeling that something is off. You know, that feeling you get when everything seems to be okay, but you know somewhere in the world something is happening that will affect you eventually. At first, I thought it had something to do with my past. I had this bad feeling that it was going to catch up with me again like last time. It sort of did. I caught a glimpse of Andrew on TV channel surfing. That's not the thing that has been nagging at me all day.

See, I found out on MouseInfo that the draft may be put back into effect. Now, remembering my first essay I wrote for English about gays in the military, I came to the conclusion that I am pretty much immune to this. All I have to do is plead gay. Then again, even straight guys that do not want to fight and die (Everyone has a fear of death these days. Myself included.) would claim gay too. That would require some kind of confirmation of some kind. What? Would they like me to fuck in front of them or something? I don't know how they are going to handle that part, but I know that Bush isn't going to take down the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy any time soon. Republicans are always anti-gay.

So why are they bringing in the draft? Well, they are running low on troops! Why are they running low on troops? Well, for starters they are all dying left and right all over Iraq! Another thing is because they keep kicking out all the gay soldiers that out themselves. If they would just keep the gay soldiers, this wouldn't have been brought to my attention!

The government is so stupid. Sometimes I am convinced that the country would run better if the average Joe was put into office instead of someone that bought their way in.

So I am up again, late. The first time since I came home that one time after I left my sister's debutante ball. It doesn't feel as odd as it did back them, but at the same time I am at a loss as to what to do with this moment of freedom. I really do no want to do any work. I rather do something fun. I suppose I could do a porn run or something on KaZaA, but at the same time, I know nothing good is on there most of the time.

I keep resorting to this one fantasy late at night right before I go to sleep, or even before I masturbate. I always dream up this really hot guy is in my bed just waiting for me to get under the blanket. Someone with Coffey's built, Leo's taste in guys, and a voice that would make women swoon and melt into a pile of goo. He would always be waiting for me to come to bed just so he can be with me after work. He would get on my case about how I didn't do this and that, but only because he likes teasing me. He takes care of me too. I dream up how he and I are living together. He is supporting the both of us as some kind of big shot model or something that pays good money. I don't mean living-off-of-the-interest kind of good money, but enough to get to the well-to-do status quo. Upper Middle Class/Lower Upper Class. I would fantasize that he wants nothing more than to just take care of me and try to make all the hurt of my past go away. He would hold me at night and cuddle and maybe even play around a little until I fell asleep.

He was never real to begin with, but being the little Imagineer that I am, I made him real... at least for the night.

I don't know why I even resort to that detailed of a fantasy these days. I used to be so easy to please. Hell, I was a slut! Okay, maybe not really, but I sure acted like I was. Still, it used to be that almost anything was enough to please me. Now, it looks like that I am ready to try and find something that I want. I mean seriously want. Too bad I know that I will never get it. I lost that chance.

HOME

Yes, I made the choice. For Papa, I will stay.
But I don't deserve to lose my freedom in this way, you monster!
If you think that what you've done is right, well, then...
You're a fool! Think again!

Is this home? Is this where I should learn to be happy?
Never dreamed that a home could be dark and cold...
I was told ev'ry day in my childhood, even when you grow old:
"Home should be where the heart is." Never were words so true!
My heart's far, far away. Home is, too.

What I'd give to return to the life that I knew lately!
And to think I complained of a dull, provincial town!

Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the world until who knows when!
Oh, but then, as my life has been altered once, it can change again.
Build higher walls around me! Change ev'ry lock and key!
Nothing lasts. Nothing holds all of me.
My heart's far, far away, home and free!

This song makes me want to cry. I do not feel like I am home at home.