Great. So here I am again. Blogging. The only way I can ever share with a world that doesn't care what is really going on inside this confusing and clueless mind of mine. Like it matters. Unless you live on the net, read alot, or are just plain wierd like myself, you can easily dismiss this as nothing but text. I mean, really people, how organic can this blog and all its archives be? They are nothing more but mere text in some database. They are hardly the true feelings and emotions and thoughts of the person typing them. I mean, I don't even know how to live my life much less successfully convay all my thoughts and emotions on paper let alone here.

So why the hell am I even trying? Why am I still blogging? I mean, really. Who reads this and says to themselves "Damn, I can relate" or for that matter "Damn, this guy has it bad." No one cares anymore. I don't even care for this blog. The only reason I don't delete it is cause it has some links on here that I know I'll never be able to find should by some odd twist of fate I actually get somewhere to where I can use them. So why even blog if all I'm going to use this for is some links page?

"Life is suffering... Still, we find reasons to go on." I wish I could find a reason to go on. I've lost sight of so many goals it should be deamed a crime and I should be blind. Frankly, I'm starting to think that my life is nothing but suffering. I was put here on this earth as an experiment to see how much pain the human soul could take. I swear that has got to be the reason I'm here. If I had some other grand purpose, I would have at least got a hint of it right now.

I don't get things anymore. I'm just plain stupid. Why do I always set myself up for some fall that's going to happen? Why is it I can never really do what I want to do? Have the friends I want to have? Live that life that I've dreamed of? Why? Cause what I want can't be obtained by someone like me. What I want is the stuff dreams are made of. What I want is what they tell use when we are in Kindergarden and they tell use that we could be anything we wanted and do anything we liked! Then they tell us when we get older to downsize our goals. Then they tell us after that there is a possibility that we may never get to those goals. Why I refused to listen when they told use to downsize, I wish I knew. I have no clue as to why I think the way I do, that this is just big world where anything is possible. It's not. It's only possible if you can make it possible. There is no equal oppertunity anymore. There never was. It's all a matter now of what you have in your pocket book and who you know. With me? Who do I know? Technically, I don't know anyone. Unfortunately for me, I live on the internet it seems. So you tell me. Do you really think I have a chance at being something I want to be?

I don't know why i'm evening bothering anymore. I mean, why bother? Everything I do, everything I say is bound to just bite me in the ass so hard a chunk is missing. I can't even concentrait as I blog right now. My mind is filled with stupid things. A picture of me in a dream where I was the exact opposite of what I am, the stupid "The Wonderful Thing about Tiggers" song, what I'm typing now, the thought of James and I together and how I keep screwing up the chances of that ever happening. My mind is so much a mess it makes perverted minds look like a clean office. I mean, what reason whould I have to even bother continuing to even live on this planet?

Dare I say, I wish I could just be abducted by aliens and made into a science project. It would be a better than what is going on for me now. At least with them, I'd feel important. I'd feel as if I'm part of something that is actually worth being a part of instead of trying to be a part of something I know is worth it only to find out that I can't be cause I'm not worth it. Maybe I'd even make sense to a higher life form. Who knows? I don't.

Maybe it's the late hour. Maybe it's all the energy I'm using to think and blog this useless rant. Maybe it's all the brain power I've put into this blog to make it be as accurate as possible of what's going on inside that mind of mine. All I know is that this particular blog has made me tired. It litterally has made me want to sleep tomorrow/today away in the hope that maybe I could escape something I know I can't. It's also making me wonder why is it that I'm still here in the middle of no where on the road of life with four flat tires and no walking shoes.

Frankly, it's making me wonder if I'm even normal let alone human.