I was watching Disney Channel again and came in during a part of Airborne that I never saw. Then again, I never really saw the whole movie before to begin with. Nice race scene, though. Very well ploted out.

I also realised that my picture of Shane McDermott somehow kicked the bucket. Hopefully this one will be better.

Okay, so I'm a sucker for sufer/skater type.

I'm feeling rather ballsy right now. After making a monumental mistake, I'm going to take my life back. Well, technically, I had to have one in order to take it back, but that's not the point.

The next time oppertunity comes calling, I will open the door for him!

I keep screwing up. Cosmic Law is no longer working. I'm believing in things that aren't real. The internet is not real. My ideals are not real. My dreams were never real. I have been living a false life and have been trying to fight to keep it. For what reason? Why did I continue to just try so hard to have this life I obivously cannot have?

Is there life out there? There's so much I haven't done! Is there life beyound my family and my home? I've done what I should. Should I do what I dare? I don't really want to leave. I'm just wondering if there's life out there.

How ironic that I think those words right now. They are really from an old country song by some red-head singer (I think Reba). I don't know, maybe it's because I've been up all night long and the fatigue is getting to me.

Still... what have I been missing?

Just when I figured out my Cosmic Law of Life that seems to apply to me, it goes and gets all skewered like a BBQ roast.

My track record showed that if I have a good day, then something bad will happen to end it. Likewise, if I have a bad day, something good will happen to end it.

Well, yesturday was niether of these so by that logic nothing should have happened that was good or bad. Boy, was that logic wrong on so many different levels.

Bluntly stated, I made James think that I am "sexually repressed," to put it in friendly terms. A one-hit wonder in bed. Five bullets short of a six shooter. Not able to "stand at attention on command." You get the picture. I was trying to explain myself, but as luck should have it and given my social skill, I got no where. Since I am not "24/7," James wished me good luck in finding someone that could deal with my "sex drive when I have one."

As if that's not enough, I said the wrong thing to Sam when I was relaying what happened and pissed him off with unneeded theatrics and drama. Go figure that I'd only make the bad worst. And it also just had to be to one of the few people that are trying to help me get my life jump-started!

Tell me I'm branded to make mistakes forever and ever. Just tell me already.

This sucks! It's just not fair!

I spent the last two hours trying to take a nap. Key word here is TRYING. I thought I could with my dad watching the golf game, but no. I can't sleep with that on. He didn't even have the curticy to tone it down so I could even attempt to sleep! On top of that, my room got hotter because of a slight thunderstorm that raised the humidity. I know all you normal people out there are like "What the hell does that have to do with your room?" Well, my room doesn't have very good insulation. When it's hot outside, I feel it. I have to turn the up stairs area into a freezer just so I can feel cool enough to not sweat while watching TV! So, you can imagin what the heat did to me while I was trying to go to sleep.

Then when I started griping about it, my Dad didn't have any kind of sympothy let alone any guilt since he was part of the problem. He was all "Good, now you can sleep tonight." What is up with that?! What's wrong with me staying up late at night anyway? Tell me! I demand to know what they hell is so wrong with my sleeping habits! I got tired in the middle of the day and decided to take a nap. I don't go to bed when everyone else does cause I like talking to Bill and James and Dan and everyone else, and they only sign on at night. What is so wrong about that?!

I hate dreaming about the strangest things that never make sense. Where is Frued or however you spell his name when you need him?

The first part of my dream is me playing an electric guitar in Bill's room. I'm so good that it even surprises me! For some reason, the only song I can play is the background music to the California Screamin' coaster at Disney California with my own various and licks in it.

The second part of my dream takes all the happy moments and swings it a whole 180 degrees. I was dreaming of something that was going to hit the earth that would ultimately kill all of us. All I remember was ducking down into the Earthquake Safety position they keep teaching you in elementry school and then hearing windows crashing and screams and then feeling intense heat. When I woke up, I was buried in my pillows and blankets.

I really wish I knew what to make of this.

Boy, did I forget so quickly.

I totally forgot that I have a CNet Download.com membership now. All that just to download Kazaa one time and then to delete it.

Another account, another password to remember.

Something good did happen to me in exchange for a bad day.

It seems that my e-card I sent Bill was something more than what it really seemed to be. He liked it so much that he copied it onto his hard drive so he can always look back on it.

Hearing him say that moved me to tears on IM. You have no idea how much that means to me coming from him. Words can't discribe how much that means to me. It just feels really good.

Well, needless to say, I got carried away with my emotions and cried for awhile. When I finally composed myself, Bill had to leave to go to bed. He always falls asleep on a full stomache, and eating all that good food all day long... well, you do the math.

I'm typing this as I'm getting IMs about Bill's party.

It seems that I have nothing to give Bill anymore as either an apology gift or even a Christmas gift!

Sam gave him a trip to Walt Disney World.
Josh bought him a brick from the Walkway of the World at Walt Disney World.
His sister got him a six foot tall Goofy plushie. (I didn't even know they made them that big before!)
James got him an equally big Rocky the Flying Squirel plushie.

So there it goes. The trip I wanted to give Bill, the two special gifts I wanted to give Bill while at Disney World, and the Apology gift I wanted to give him if I finally get to meet him.

You know, knowing the cosmic law I'm stuck under, maybe something good will come out of this since I'm having a bad day. Nah, that's hoping too much.

Today is Bill's Birthday.

I wish i could be there. Hell, I wish I could give him the gift I want to, but I have this odd feeling that the others have beat me to it tenfold.

I still wish I could be at the party.

Well, Cosmic Law strikes again. What do I mean? Well, with me, there is always one definate thing that will always happen.

I can not have a good day/time without something bad happening.

Call it a Ying-Yang thing. You know, one half of the circle means alot of bad and little good while the other half means lots of good and little bad? The thing is that doesn't make this much of a Ying-Yang is the fact that it's never balanced. It's constant, but it's never balanced. What do I mean by saying it's constant? Well, this whole "I had a good day to end it badly" thing seems to happen at least once a week.

I should have known given my good time last night.

I knew I should have just gone straight to bed last night.

Man, I'm still feeling the energy high as I'm typing this! It's so up there that I'm not even caring that I am typing this on a Mac!

So what happened to make me feel so awsome?

For starters, over the radio, I kept hearing that tonight will be Teen Night at Jillian's. They will feature top 40 music and unlimited games! Being a gamer, I had to see if this was for real or not. It also helped that the fact of the matter was that I was suppose to help load and unload and then re-load and re-unload stuff for my mom's entertainment night for the APA (American Payroll Association) at Gibson's Guitars. Well, that's in the same complex as Jillian's, so I bet you know where I headed once I got the chance.

Well, it turned out the advertisement was a bit too good to be true. When I found there was a $10 cover charge, I kind of felt reluctant to give up my only $50 seeing how I didn't have any smaller bills. Then I found out that since I don't meet the dress code, I couldn't go on the dance floor. Hey, that's cool with me. I was aiming at a different dance floor.

After getting my card, I really showed off and threw off everyone's game at DDR. Five rounds of the game paid off the card fast. I was really happy to see a nice size crowd of regular players, some of whom are rather cute. Still, given the experiance, it looked like I was the best of the ones playing. Well, not really the BEST, but close enough. I kept throwing off people's game with the Butterfly Spin, hopping around, hand jives, and anything else I could throw at them just to have fun! The highlight of my DDR unlimited play? I actually passed Paranoia with a C rating! The one song I kept failling I passed! FINALLY!

When I got tired (litterally) of DDR, I headed over to the pinball tables, Daytona USA, and the Star Wars Trilogy games. I suck at shooters. Playing DDR drained me of all of my adrenilan and I was partically dehydrated. That goodness water is free at the bar. I don't know what it was that possesd me to play House of the Dead (no pun intended), but I did. I really suck at it. I kept dying so fast that the wait time in the unlimited card prevented me from actually continuing!

All in all, I had a really great time. On the ride back, I heard stories about how everyone loved what my mom put together for the APA meeting. It looks as if my mother found a nack in the entertainment business, mainly in promotions and theming. Still, one thing was on my mind on the ride home.

Why is it I always have fun by myself? I mean, first DisneyQuest, then tonight. What's up with that?

You know, there are some things that just puzzle me. They mostly involve myself.

For instance, what is the drive behind me always wanting to try to please everyone with how I preform and what I do? Why do I not really care about my own happiness? Why are other's happiness more important than my own?

Another example is why I get all dark and ranty when I feel I failed. I mean, why do I act that way? What makes me feel as if the whole world is about to come crashing down? Is it my sensativity? Is it that weird drive to please everyone? Is it cause I don't want to lose whomever I've pissed off?

Well, in any case, I need to kill that side of me... the dark and moody side that is. I'm starting to hate it.

Last night, about 30 minutes before I was suppose to meet up with the boys, I got sick. My stomache started to feel rather pukey. I decided to lay down some when Dan signed on.

He and Sam walked me through what to do after I asked for a raincheck for the conversation. Needless to say, I got better somewhat. Who knew that Coca-Cola could be used for medical conditions? It was really cool. Also, it was really nice of Seth to take care of me online and keep checking me up. Last night really showed his compassion for human life and how much he wants to save it. I smell another doctor.

The only vile thing about last night was the fact I didn't sleep when I was suppose to. Instead, I kept going to the bathroom and making the Florida everglades in the toilet! I did not know there were fifty shades of brown.

That was just vile on so many levels.

<bgsound src="http://rfblues.aaanime.net/Seatbelts/M214.ram" controls="smallconsole">

No Reply
Composed and Arranged by Yoko Kanno
Words by Tim Jensen
Vocals by Steve Conte

Like the perfect ending
It's won't be too long
Till everything I've ruined has seen me gone
In time, I pray you'll forgive
Now you know the man I am
Can you forgive me?

I fall
Like the sands of time
Like some broken rhyme
At feet no longer there

If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel
I would
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be
For that, I say thank you
This was my life
It never made much sense to me

With every lie that I lived
Part of me would fade
Into this empty shadow I've become
And now I feel so numb
I no longer know myself
But I still know you

I call
And there's no reply
Like some phantom cry
On ears too far away

I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by
The only thing I see is you
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side
I say thank you
Here lies my life
It never felt that real to me

You'll always mean so much to me
And there's no reply
And there's no reply
You'll never know how much you mean to me
And there's no reply
And there's no reply
You'll never know how much you mean to me

If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel
I would
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be
For that, I say thank you
I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by
The only thing I see is you
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side
I say thank you

You in my life
It all meant so much more to me

Too bad I can't record this with me singing it. I seem to be singing it alot in my head and when I'm alone (which is alot).

Yup, that's right for all thought that actually come back and read this. My life has gotten worst. I've screwed up another good thing and all my dreams and ideals and hopes and anything else good and pure has been casted to the wind. They claim that I have no emotion, but I truely doubt they know how much pain is going through my heart right now. I know they don't know what is going through my mind. I don't even think they listen to me. They will never know what I am about, what I really feel, how I deal with what I feel, everything. No one will ever understand me.

So once again, I'm at a dead end. I may be calling it too early; I may not. All I know is that I am back to where I was and more than likely would have been if I never found Andrew's message on AOL. I'm back questioning a future I don't think I even have.

So what happens now? Where do I go from here? What do you do when you lose everything and have nothing, not even a clue where to start again? It's as if I was born into this world again. Without guidence. Without thought. Without even any kind of weight of importance. That I'm really just expendible. What do you do when you have nothing?

Maybe I should see about moving to Florida and working full time at DisneyQuest. Oh wait, Zeek. I hate to tell you this, but where would you live? And how can you get to DisneyQuest? You don't even drive!

Whoever told me that the law of averages states that my life can only get better after getting worst is wrong. It seems like I'm always taking one step forward and three steps back.

I am so better off dead.

Mom just had to take the laptop today.

Well, today, I was planning on getting a Disney D-card for Bill's birthday, but this iMac sucks when it comes to Flash animation with a loading screen. So I tried MSN's little e-greeting system, but they want me to pay for their service! Since I'm on AOL right now, I figure fuck it and use the free greetings here. Let's just say that when you look up free birthday greetings, you get e-cards that aren't all that great.

Oh well, it's the thought that counts, right? ... RIGHT?!

It seems that my surfing around the internet has paid off some.

It seems that several of the Walt Disney World rides will be going into rehab in Janurary! Man, I really hope that I can get to Bill in time for December. I want to take him to Tower of Terror before they have to shut it down for maintance and reprograming.

A nerd that gets the ladies.

You're most like the nice guy. If you were in the anime world, that would probably mean you are surrounded by millions of attracive people all longing for your attention and love...but in the real world that generally means you are spending your Saturday nights playing Nintendo. Don't worry though, things'll look up when you get older...I think.

Uhm... gee, that's... uhm... I don't think there is even a word that can describe this.

Can I just finish!?
Find out what anime villan you are.

You're like Teddy Bomber from the series, Cowboy Bebop (episode 22). Click here to learn more about the series.

Nobody quite knows why you do what you do, because no one ever lets you finish your sentences. You have a deep meaning...a point to get across, but people just seem to not care. It's just not fair!

You know, I have yet to see this episode. I heard it's a real laugh riot.

Romantic
Find out what bishonen you are.

Mixed in your emotions, nothing in your life really seems to matter except for your ideals and dreams..

Man, that's strangely accurate. Well, kind of off, but it's not far off the mark.

The traveling street fighter.
Find out what anime bad boy you are.

You don't stay in one place to long. You are always looking to beat those that can put up a good fight, but you do it qiuetly. You're a nice guy, but you have some repressed anger in you.

Well, at least the last half is true.

Find out what anime series you belong in.

You know, I used to be into this series, but now it's getting kind of slow. Still, that would be interesting if I had some of the powers (not to meantion the muscles) that they do.

Which Disney Princess are you?

Mulan is one of the strongest Disney princesses. Out of respect for her family's honor, she dresses as a man and fights with the Chinese army against the invading Huns. You have great respect for family and tradition, as well as strength, determination, and intelligence. Although some may think you have trouble relaxing, you actually have a great sense of humor. In all, you're quite a well-rounded person!

Uhm... I guess that's cool. It doesn't surprise me, but I think that's cool.

I think it was that drawing I did of Mickey yesturday.

For quite some time now, I've been day dreaming of DisneyQuest and spending it with Bill and Sam. I might as well tell the day dream, since I know it won't go according to plan. Nothing ever does, does it?

Anyway, it starts off with us being some of the many people lined up and waiting to get in about an hour before opening. Well, when I went, the place was crowded and all the good games had a wait time longer than the game itself. Anyway, after passing through the gates and getting stamped for re-entry, Bill and Sam would enjoy that elevator show you watch as you go up to the Venture Port.

The first place I'd tell them to hit up since it's the most crowded at times would be the Create Zone. One of them would ask what's there worth going to, no doubt. That's when I'd tell them about Cyber Space Mountain and all the DisneyQuest exclusive items you can make and buy there. The first stop would be Cyber Space Mountain, since that's always gets a crowd. Since it only sits two, I opted to have Sam and Bill create their coster and ride it without me while I watched them on the monitor in the "Launchbay." I'd ride with one of them later if they wanted to, since I bet that will be their favorite. After that, we'd sit down at the Magic Mirror and make each other over silly. Then we'd hit up Sid's Create-a-Toy and mess around creating an action figure to take home. I'd create two. One for me and one for James when we got back. When the time rolled around, we'd take a drawing class on how to draw Goofy. Bill likes Goofy. Then we'd go to the Living Easels and make a painting followed by the last stop before we buy everything at the Gift Gallery, the Radio Disney CD Recorder. So what would are total be after visiting this Zone? Hell if I know, but at the very least, we'd have the following:

Sid's Create-a-Toy - 4 figures and (maybe) a Sid's Toolbox (There is a promotion said to be going on that if you buy 2 or more figures, you get a tool kit to make even more twisted toys!)
Magic Mirror - 3 prints
Living Easels - 3 prints
Animation Academy - 2 prints I don't want mine.
Radio Disney Studios - 3 CDs
Cyber Space Mountain - 1 video However, I wouldn't put it pass them if we end up getting videos of all our costers.

The next place we'd go is the Explore Zone for group activities like the Virtural Jungle Cruise and the Pirates of the Carribean: Blackbead's Gold. Since Bill knows how to pilot a boat, I'd bet he'd enjoy playing the role of captian while Sam and I fired cannons. I really don't think either of them will play Treasure of the Incas since that game is all but dead there. Still, where else can you play a driving game with a search-and-rescue mission where the game level takes place on the floor you are walking across? Another group game we'd play is Aladdian's Magic Carpet Ride. I wonder how long it will take all three of us if there isn't anyone playing with us that knows how to beat the game.

After that, we'd hit up the Score Zone and play the group game Invation! I wonder who will be driving that game since you have to stop every so often to pick up people while fighting off aliens. I don't know if Ride a Comix is a group game, but I know all of us will be playing it. For a competative game, we'd play the Mighty Ducks Pinball Slam. I bet Bill will try his best to get top score. So will Sam. Me? I'll end up in tenth again. The Score Zone is also littered with games that I bet Bill won't play unless he wants to show off. He's played almost everything that they have in the area. Well, almost.

I'm not sure about the Replay Zone though. The only thing worth playing there would be Buzz Lightyear's AstroBlaster, and that sits only two. Well, I guess I'll find out the meaning of the word "replay" if either of them wants to play it again. I'd wait till there are more people in the line before going there with them so they could enjoy it better. The rest of the Replay Zone is mostly midway and ticket games that you can exchange for prizes. You have to buy $5 cards to play them. I don't know if Bill or Sam would like to do that. Personally, I'm kind of old for those games. Besides, those giant plushies that you can win for a thousand tickets you can buy anywhere! But if they want to, I have no problem with it.

Since we would be spending the whole day, there is no doubt in my mind we would eat at the two resturants they house. Bill or Sam will no doubt try to hack the Wonderland Cafe computers that they have set up to give you that "Internet Cafe" feeling. And, man, I can only imagine how many bugers and hot dogs they will eat! They better not go on Cyber Space Mountain after eating though. I'll make sure of that.

Well, maybe bloging the day dream above will help me at least plan out the actual event... if I can actually do it that is...

I really hope I can.

I decided to pick up my drawing book for the first time since God-knows-when! The first drawing I popped out was stupid looking. The second Drawing, however, I posted on a Disney Message board I go to. I don't know why I drew this up. I guess I still have Disney on the mind.

The new Neopets game Sewage Surfer has got to be the most annoying puzzle game I have ever played. It also seems to be the trickiest. Go figure.

Great. So here I am again. Blogging. The only way I can ever share with a world that doesn't care what is really going on inside this confusing and clueless mind of mine. Like it matters. Unless you live on the net, read alot, or are just plain wierd like myself, you can easily dismiss this as nothing but text. I mean, really people, how organic can this blog and all its archives be? They are nothing more but mere text in some database. They are hardly the true feelings and emotions and thoughts of the person typing them. I mean, I don't even know how to live my life much less successfully convay all my thoughts and emotions on paper let alone here.

So why the hell am I even trying? Why am I still blogging? I mean, really. Who reads this and says to themselves "Damn, I can relate" or for that matter "Damn, this guy has it bad." No one cares anymore. I don't even care for this blog. The only reason I don't delete it is cause it has some links on here that I know I'll never be able to find should by some odd twist of fate I actually get somewhere to where I can use them. So why even blog if all I'm going to use this for is some links page?

"Life is suffering... Still, we find reasons to go on." I wish I could find a reason to go on. I've lost sight of so many goals it should be deamed a crime and I should be blind. Frankly, I'm starting to think that my life is nothing but suffering. I was put here on this earth as an experiment to see how much pain the human soul could take. I swear that has got to be the reason I'm here. If I had some other grand purpose, I would have at least got a hint of it right now.

I don't get things anymore. I'm just plain stupid. Why do I always set myself up for some fall that's going to happen? Why is it I can never really do what I want to do? Have the friends I want to have? Live that life that I've dreamed of? Why? Cause what I want can't be obtained by someone like me. What I want is the stuff dreams are made of. What I want is what they tell use when we are in Kindergarden and they tell use that we could be anything we wanted and do anything we liked! Then they tell us when we get older to downsize our goals. Then they tell us after that there is a possibility that we may never get to those goals. Why I refused to listen when they told use to downsize, I wish I knew. I have no clue as to why I think the way I do, that this is just big world where anything is possible. It's not. It's only possible if you can make it possible. There is no equal oppertunity anymore. There never was. It's all a matter now of what you have in your pocket book and who you know. With me? Who do I know? Technically, I don't know anyone. Unfortunately for me, I live on the internet it seems. So you tell me. Do you really think I have a chance at being something I want to be?

I don't know why i'm evening bothering anymore. I mean, why bother? Everything I do, everything I say is bound to just bite me in the ass so hard a chunk is missing. I can't even concentrait as I blog right now. My mind is filled with stupid things. A picture of me in a dream where I was the exact opposite of what I am, the stupid "The Wonderful Thing about Tiggers" song, what I'm typing now, the thought of James and I together and how I keep screwing up the chances of that ever happening. My mind is so much a mess it makes perverted minds look like a clean office. I mean, what reason whould I have to even bother continuing to even live on this planet?

Dare I say, I wish I could just be abducted by aliens and made into a science project. It would be a better than what is going on for me now. At least with them, I'd feel important. I'd feel as if I'm part of something that is actually worth being a part of instead of trying to be a part of something I know is worth it only to find out that I can't be cause I'm not worth it. Maybe I'd even make sense to a higher life form. Who knows? I don't.

Maybe it's the late hour. Maybe it's all the energy I'm using to think and blog this useless rant. Maybe it's all the brain power I've put into this blog to make it be as accurate as possible of what's going on inside that mind of mine. All I know is that this particular blog has made me tired. It litterally has made me want to sleep tomorrow/today away in the hope that maybe I could escape something I know I can't. It's also making me wonder why is it that I'm still here in the middle of no where on the road of life with four flat tires and no walking shoes.

Frankly, it's making me wonder if I'm even normal let alone human.

Question: What is right? Doing something the right way that is respectful and feels right to you or doing the right way to get what is right for you?

Actually, I don't even know if that is the question to ask or not. Frankly, I wish I knew. Maybe if I knew, I'd be somewhere else right now.

Okay okay, so maybe James is right. Today's little worry wart is nothing to be worried about. I'm worrying about nothing! How do I know?

Well, Sam is doing alot for me lately. I don't really know why, but it seems he's really helping me out alot! He's already got me green lights on everything! A chance to meet James to see if we click or not, Dan being able to come back to Seattle to help me jump-start my life, he even got me a second chance to go to Disney World with Bill!

There is a catch. Sam will pull the plug on everything that he's done for me if I do something to piss him off or frustrate him out of his gored. He already has one mentally depressed person to deal with, that being Seth. He doesn't need two. He doesn't know me as well as the others, but he seems to be in charge now.

Man, I really hope this is a sign of good things to come. I sure as hell could use some after this week.

I got problems. Not just any problems. I got major issuses. Issuses I can I can't seem to escape from with DDR.

Somewhere during the course of the day, I had a nightmare during a daydream. You tell me how's that possible. Anyway, the nightmare was like this...

First off, I'm really happy for Bill and Sam and how they are getting along. Those two will be best of friends untill they die. Thing is, Bill told me that Sam told him a line, a promise really, that Bill said to me. Then, over the courses of days since they knew them, they got so close that the two of them should be qualified as lovers! Sure, one of them is straight and the other is gay, but still. They are that tight. That's the base of this day-nightmare.

The actual day-nightmare takes place during a fantasy involving James. Nothing sexual, just a day dream about how cool it would be just to be with him. For some reason, the phone rang in my little daydream. It was Bill. He said that Sam and him were having the time of their lives in...

...you guessed it...

...Walt Disney World. The one place I wanted to take Bill cause he's never been. In the day-nightmare, they talk about how they just got in and Sam has been spoiling him ever since they checked into their resort room. He got Bill all the gifts I wanted to get him! He treated him to his first rollor coster, his first animatronic Disney show, even his first fireworks spectacular! Sam did everything I wanted to do to Bill as far as spoiling him at the park!

As soon as I snapped out of it, I really needed a shower. As I was in there, I was starting to think. Maybe it could happen. Maybe Sam will spoil Bill the way I couldn't. He already beat me to the first punch which was meeting them. It's only a matter of time it seems.

After the shower, I started to counter myself. I dismissed those thoughts as nothing but paranoia. Still, they lingered. They were mixed with all the other problems I have going for me. Everything from the fact I still can't drive all the way up to this. I needed to get my mind off them! I needed to get over it!

I needed DDR!

My sister was going to be buying new clothing cause of the dress code. Mom also wanted to hit up a Hawaiian themed store in OpryMills for her meeting. Hey, OpryMills has a DDR machine. It sucks, but at least they have one. I played it for a while and rested in between sets. I failed all my sets, however. My game was horrible for someone like me who has played the game so many times already and is capible of showing off. My card only has 50 points left on it now. I thought that I wouldn't get a second chance to get my mind off things cause of the fact, well, no one was watching. The machine there is also so expensive! Well, it turned out my sister didn't find any clothing worth buying, so we were going to another, smaller mall that had a better version of DDR. When I hit up Tilt, I saw that girl that I alwasy run into working there. I finally got her name! Holly. She had herself a handful of work to do, so she couldn't talk much. On top of that, their DDR machine was packed with players better than me! And two of them were very cute. There was this tall skinny one that looked like James. I almost flipped my lid when I saw him. The second of the cuties looked like a childhood friend I had when he wore his cap, but he had a different hair cut. They both were good. The both of them were better than me. Then came this one Hawaiian looking guy. He did SSR (a super hard version of DDR) and nailed it on Double Mode! I felt like a runt just then. Well, I started to play and chat with a few of them, moreso with the cute short one than with the cute tall one. The taller one that looked like James seemed content with playing fighting games as he waited for his turn on DDR. Needless to say, when I played, I didn't even bother going into Trick. I just stayed with Basic steps. And yes, I failed both of my sets. I had enough for four games in my pocket, but halfway into my third game, I got a cramp in my calf. Everyone noticed that I was in pain bad, and another guy that was waiting his turn took my place I hobbled off the game. Needless to say, that only created more problems for me. Not only could I still not get my mind off all my problems despite the two twinks that were playing, but I had a leg cramp as well!

As soon as we got home, I removed all my "gear," made my way to the bathroom, pluged the drain with a towel (since the drain pulg that came with the tub originally disappeared for some reason), and turned on the shower to create my own little waterfall. I just sat underneath the shower in ankle-deep water crying.

I have hit a dead end on the road of life so hard that I must be clinically dead as far as living a life is concerned.

Tonight was just so COOL!!

First off, everything with Bill has been resolved! Sam melted him, which was a slight surprize seeing how alike they are, and got Bill to forgive me! I'm so happy!

I can't live without Bill. He means alot to me. More than he knows! I'm so happy that my little brother isn't mad at me anymore!

On top of that, I'm extremely happy that Bill and Sam are going to meet up together! I had this feeling that if the two of them ever met, that it would be so cool. They are so much alike, it's scarry! I know thta they will bond before the day is through when they meet up. I can feel it!

Now if only I could change my iMood mood indicator...

Boy, this is just sad.

I keep going back to my post at Mouse Talk Discussion Boards - YAY! I'm going to Animal Kingdom!. I keep reading it and reviving all my fun and wonderful memories I had during those two days I got to cut loose some. It makes me feel a little bit better, then I start thinking about Bill and how I let him down. Then the cycle just repeates itself.

Pathetic.

I hate my subconsious.

I had a dream that I was some Spy Kid that got caught and had to escape the WTC Twin Towers after they were hit on 9-11.

I don't know what's worst: not being able to dream or dreaming of things that shouldn't be dreamt.

In other news, if those that are reading are interested in my personal life, I did something to which I'm still clueless about that offened Seth and is now on their block list. At least I think I am. I don't know.

Then again, I don't know much of anything.

Hmm... Yahoo! seems to not like the fact that I'm using the breifcase feature as an FTP for some pictures. Oh well, looks like I have more dead pictures as well as dead links on this blog of mine. Go figure.

I got to talk to James Thursday after all the shit that went down a few days ago. It was very refreashing. The feeling of perfection in the world and the sense of things being right and that there can be no wrong was a feeling I thought I'd never have again. James brought me up to speed on things. It looks as if Dan has made himself a perminet resident in Boston. Yup, all his things are there and unpacked. I think he said the only thing he left at the Seattle pad was a phone. I bet that was the phone that came with the appartment too. I wouldn't be surprised if it was, too.

I also got to talk to Dan some. I apologized for giving out his number to Seth and Sam. He said it was okay, since it wasn't as bad as some of the things that I used to do. I swear, he and Mark are the only two people that can make me feel guilty even after they tell me that it's okay. They just have this way with words that's just so... I don't even know if there is a word for how effective they use their words! They are just that damn good with them.

The real highlight of the evening has got to be my conversation with Bill... well, for the start of it at least. It was really cool that I finally got to talk to him again after loosing hope that I wouldn't, but I didn't really do much talking. Bill, like Dan and Mark, has a way with words. A really harsh and to-the-point kind of way with words. A good portion of the IMs I got were scoldings and comments about how I suck cause I gave Dan's number out. I knew I was going to be dead about this, but I didn't expect the killing to be at the hands of Bill. Not by a long shot. Bill left rather abruptly after that. I think this was his way of saying "You better get your shit together! You already lost me! If you mess up again, you're dead for real!" Okay, well, not dead for real, but the closest thing to dying without having to actually plan a funeral. It's hard to explain, but he did make it clear that I don't have that many chances left anymore.

You know, at the rate I keep blogging things lately, I should just keep this thing open 24/7. Actually, why should I keep this blog going to begin with? Yeah, it helps me vent, and I can type whatever I please. It's just I feel like this whole mess is just some big mistake that's going to bite me in the butt later on. Maybe I should just stop blogging all together. I mean, what's the point?

Maybe I'm just doing this for my own health. Mental health, that is.

I don't get my life.

Last night felt odd. At least it did on my end. I was talking to Seth again who forgot all about the other night except for my name. Sam assured me that he is always like that. Then there was that up and down kind of area when we talked about Bill and James and the others. I swear, I felt like I pissed Seth off somewhere during that conversation! I must have! Seth tells me that I didn't, but I know I must have!

Anyway, I spent the majority of the time talking to Sam last night. I don't know how that ended up to be, but I did. When he asked what I was like, I dropped all the stats and sent them a picture. I got their attention rather fast with that one. Am I really that cute?

Anyway, he also wanted to know more about me, and seeing as how I knew the hated part of the family in his view, he asked who knew me best. Andrew really knows be better than almost all of them. He and I have been through alot together. I mean, I've known him since before he went into Pre-Med, I was there when he got so drunk and drugged up that he nearly died, when he finally soberred up (That was the crowning moment for me. I'm so proud of him for doing that!), hell, I knew about him proposing to Chris before Chris knew! He and I spent five years in contact with each other, good times and bad. After all that time, I think he is the best canidate for the job as to telling them about me. But guess what? Seth and Sam hates Andrew.

Who's the next best person that knows me better than I know myself? Well, this is the part I regret even saying last night. I told them that Dan was the next best choice. The main reason is because he is the only one of the "bunch of banchies" as Sam calls them that I've actually met. He knows what I'm like in person. On top of that, he's seen me at my worst, at my best, and even when I'm super pissed which is already exteremely rare. He knows me inside and out, and can read my actions as well as Andrew can. Well, Seth and Sam was all for calling up Dan to get more info on me. I don't know why they would do that. I mean, hell, you could probibly find out alot about me reading this entire blog. Sam egged me on to give him Dan's number. I really didn't want to do it, and I tried to play ignorant by saying that the number I have is useless since Dan is in Boston now, but for some reason they knew what I knew about that particular number. Well, I ened up being backed into a cornor and gave them the number.

Then, as if an act of God, after that happened, the computer crashed. When I rebooted, Seth's AIM name wasn't online anymore.

I'm so dead. I'm just waiting for an angry e-mail from Dan complaining about how I gave out that number to them.

This is a first.

Not only did I sleep for about 5 hours as part of a nap, but I dreamed in full anime. Yup, I my dream was compleately in Anime. In my dream, I was this great warrior. I was fearless. I was brave. I had muscles! I spoke sturnly.

I was everything I am not.

Do you want to know what's scarrier that dreaming a nightmare?

Not being able to dream at all.

With that "cheery" note, I might as well say some shit about what happened last night.

In short, I screwed up again with Seth. Against my better judgement and cause Seth wanted to know, I defended Bill and James and the others by trying to show Seth that they have their good points if you just give them a chance. He as the rest of his side of the family hate James and the others cause of, what they claim to be, their "I'm Holier than thou!" additude. I have to say, I haven't seen that side of them since the early days of Andrew. They seem quite humble, if you ask me.

Oh well, let's see what today brings... if anything.

I got sick of all the glitches that were involved with DrAJK's homepage at Neopets.com, so I resetted it to the basic templet. I'm not going to even bother updating it every time the Lab Ray changes it now. It's just a waste of my time (much like this site is, but hey, I have no life any more.), and I don't want to deal with bugs that will never get fixed.

At least when something fucks up on Blogger, they webmaster fixes it.

Another night of screwing up leads to a morning where I'm sucking down dry garlic French bread and fake Dansani water (it came from the tap) as breakfast.

The short verson is that as a "Good-bye" gift, Bill and James pointed me in the direction of a cousin that they met on AOL and didn't know about. How can they not know about this cousin? Simple; their family is so huge that they can't keep track of everyone. Well, most of the time. Anyway, after finding the post that they found, I wrote Seth (the cousin) a pretty lengthy e-mail. I really wasn't expecting much out of it anyway. On top of that, I wasn't expecting him to sign on a few minutes after I sent it. We started talking and so on for a while. During the conversation, I saw alot of traits from Bill, James, and even some from Aaron. Seth's brother kept jumping on while he was in the bathroom. That guy can give Bill a good run to the fences if given the right situation. Anyway, the whole evening went down the shit hole when Seth started hacking me and questioning me about who I was tied to. Yet another of Bill's traits. Because I suck at playing dumb, I told knowing I was going to just screw myself over again.

And you don't know how right that I am. Apparently, when Seth found out, he got so pissed off at his cousins that he booked himself a ticket up to Boston to kick there asses.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I single-handedly started a family feud with the people I felt were my family!

Please excuse me as I go and dig myself my grave now.

Fuck.

Last night was too good to be ture. It really was.

I just found out that I got my green light too late. Way too late. I missed the boat; I'm out of option; I'm in a real pickle of a mess.

So what happened?

Well, Dan is no longer in Seattle. He's up in Boston. When word got out that I wasn't going to be able to come up, they made other plans. Why? Cause I have a reputation of not getting any results. Now that I got results, I can't do anything! There is no way to plan out of the set arrangements that they made! No way at all! They didn't expect me to hold them at gun point let alone get results that quick. Dan's mad at the situation cause he wants to help but can't do anything about it either. He's tied up with commitments. I'm mad at the situation cause of one reason.

All my life, I was told that I'll be able to do this next time, that it will always be there, that the oppurtunity won't go away. And every time I wanted to do something then and there, I was told "some other time." I hated it. On top of that, I had my heart set on one thing. That was taking Bill to Walt Disney World! I wanted to do that when we planed it. I didn't want to wait for "some other time." And now, since they canceled it and planed something else in its place, I still can't do it.

I never had the ability to do what I wanted. Never.

This sucks. For some reason my archive for this week isn't being saved or found when you click on the link for it in the archive index! Well, I guess that means I'll be changing my settings daily untill my archives are working properly again.

I woke up from a wonderful dream (which I'm not going to tell [cause after all, if you tell a wish, it won't come true. And after all a dream is a wish your heart makes]) early this morning after everyone left for the daily grind. I searched for my locks I lend them so I could use them on my bags. I had to repack yet again!! (When the hell did I aquire so many CDs in on place that I don't listen to anymore?) Since I have now flown on a post-9-11 flight, I know that I'm only allowed one carry-on and on personal item. I decided to use this loophole to my advantage and will be using the Disney bag I got when I purchased my toy I made at DisneyQuest. It will now hold that, my Wizard Mickey plushie, the Doglefox I got from Claire's, and some items that may set off the alarm when I go through the x-ray like my metal watch. My back-pack is going to be my carry-on, and I'll end up using two check-in bags instead of one now. If you ask me, I'm risking alot checking in those bags, what with my video collection and nearly $300 Italian leather jacket I have.

I'm going to see if I can't get Dan on the phone later tonight. Maybe that will speed things along some since my mother caved in last night. Hey, she was the one that said to go ahead and call him.

Just awhile ago as I was doing my normal IMings and catching up with what I lost, I got so pissed that I couldn't do what I wanted to that I did something against my better judgement.

I actually stood up to my tyrantal parentals!

The results I wanted were fast. More so that I really expected. I didn't do any of the yelling, that was all done by my mother. She was all fed up that I keep bringing Seattle up. All I kept telling her was that she told me that I could go after Florida not after three or four weeks rolled around, but a few days after we got back like she told me to begin with. Then she just said to call up Dan and tell him that I'm going!

I must admit, I'm a bit shocked at how fast the wanted results were. I didn't really expect it. Now all that remains is to get Dan on the phoneline.

Hmmm....What I Did For Sex seems like a good gay wrestling DVD porn. It even has a plot, which is rare if you ask me. Nice preview pictures too.

Too bad I'll never get it, just like the other pornos I want.

I bet you are wondering why the last two blogs were all happy, but my iMood is set at depressed.

Well, I forgot to mention on purpose to keep on the theme of the posts something I found out when we were staying at the World Golf Hall of Fame resort where we have a condo/time-share there.

It seems I'm stuck here for about a month tops. Due to how much we spent and an unforseen eye examination (no pun intended), I will not be leaving any time soon for Seattle. All this cause my mother doesn't want Dan paying for the plane ticket for some mystery reason. She, apparently, wants to get a cheap ticket for me and make sure I can see 20/20 when I leave. Good intentions, really, but why do I have to wait a whole month?! It's been a whole year since I was there! TO THE DATE EVEN!

What sucks even more than this? Oh yes, it can get worst.

I've been planing on taking Bill to Disney World. It was going to be his 16th birthday present from me since he's never gone there. Since I can't go to Seattle, I won't be able to do it. I had my heart set on spoiling the guy untill he couldn't stand it anymore like I was a grandfather or a rich retired uncle. I wanted to give him something no one could give him before. I wanted to give him a memory that will be with him for as long as he shall live. Now I can't even do that.

You know, they say there is a thin line between love and hate. There's also a thin line between respectful and being controled, apparently. I've been respectful to my parents this long and all I'm asking is to go to Seattle cause that's where I want to be. If that's asking too much, I'm starting to regret I even suggested that we go to Animal Kingdom when we were originally planing last weeks vacation.

I wrote this blog entry on a spare notepad of my mother's. Here is the blog I wrote about the Animal Kingdom.

Animal Kingdom was something else to talk about. We didn't do everything. We didn't have the time. On top of that, I am convinced that I was the only one that fully understood and took advantage of the FastPass system. We only used it twiced. One for Primeval Whirl and one for Kali Rapids.

Well, enough of the bad stuff.

The Kilimanjaro Safari was awsome! Even though we did that first thing to see the lions, I didn't see anything bad other than the fact that my mom's camera's battery died. My favorite area to waste film on has to be the savanah. It is definately the best view in the tour.

The Festival of the Lion King has got to be the best choreographed and colorful show next to the broadway version. The audiance participation is a bit lame, but it doesn't take away from the beautiful costumes and spectacular show.

It's Tough to be a Bug was just freaky, but in a good way. Why is it freaky? Well, let's just say that you better not have a fear of bugs.

The Dino-Rama was a perfect replica of a midway carnival... compleate with impossible to win carni-games! I recommend that you avoid the carni-games unless you can score a perfect 150 like my sister did on Wak-a-Rat. I do recommend that you take a spin on Primeval Whirl. Think Mad Tea Party with a mix of Big Thunder Railroad. It's a short ride, but a thrilling spin.

DINOSAURS on the other hand scared the piss out of my mom. Well, almost. The one thing I recommend to those that don't like the dark while hearing unearthly sounds is that you best avoid thie ride. The waiting area is worth the 25 minute wait. They got some interesting fossiels and murals set up.

Tarzan Rocks wasn't really worth it. I must applaude the casting, though. Disney hire a really sexy Tarzan. Okay, so I got a thing for muscle men. I think it was the loin cloth.

The best way to end the day is to grab a 4:15 to 5:15 FastPass to Kali Rapids. If you are lucky enough to get that, you can watch the Jammin' Jungle Parade, follow the parade route, and then get onto the next raft in under two minutes! Now if you are REALLY lucky, you may get to go back-first into the waterfall. Definately worth it after sweating the whole day.

The real attraction of Animal Kingdom are the animals. Hey, where else can you see rinos and graffis eat together with no sign of a cage anywhere? Oh yeah, and bring pleate of film. I went through four rolls by myself there. One of which was all at the Lion King show.

Well, I'm back from my trip to Florida. God, how I miss blogging and typing in general. You can tell it's been a while since I've done the paper-and-pencil thing.

Speecking of it, I wrote up a blog on a spare notepad that I'll post here. Here is what I wrote.

I'm writing this at great risk for myself. For starters, this "blog" is being writen in the presence of my sister. While I'm not worried about her, I am worried about the fact that I'm writing this on my mom's spare notepad.

Anyway, let me start this entery by discribing my time at DisneyQuest.

First off, I went by myself. To tell you the turth, DisneyQuest isn't really all that fun if you don't have someone with you. DisneyQuest is definately a group place. Yes, there are some attractions there that you can play by yourself, but overall, it's gest to have a friend along.

When you first walk into DisneyQuest, you are treated to an elevator show by Genie. I was impressed with the fact that the show is in 3D cell animation and fully digital. As you exit onto the Venture Port (the land hub, if you will), I recommend you look at three things. The first is a dry-erase board that tells you the wait time at some of the big "E-ticket" attraction. That was strike one for me. Second, is the map that they gave you with your ticket. I didn't do this untill I got lost in the Wonderland Cafe on the fourth floor. Strike two. And finally, if you lose your map, read the direction signs! When I wanted to find the Create Zone, I ended up wondering aimlessly until I the Venture Port again.

Now for some ride/game reviews.

I didn't have a chance to hit up some of the more worthwhile places. I opted to skip Buzz's AstroBlaster since I was by myself, and it's a two-person team thing. Much like Invation which is a for-member team-work game. Pirates of the Carribeian is too, but I skiped that because of the line. I found that these kinds of games are best played when you have a large party when I was on the Virtual Jungle Cruise. In it, you and up to three other pleople paddle for real down a virtual river. It's a refreashing ride since you are hit with water while you play.

If you don't have a big party, I recommend that you look into the Aladdin's Magic Carpet Ride attraction. Yes, it's suppose to be a team game, but no one really cares about that part. Those that know how to play the game cam make yours short since they know where to go and how to control the carpet. Newbies are going to be spend alot of time getting lost or having difficulty controlling their "Rugman." Naturally, you wear a VR helmet (or "turban" as the attraction calls them), which was hard for me to focus on since my glasses were about half an inch from the screens. That's half the reason why I didn't go on Ride a Comix. The other reason was the line.

Admittingly, I spent most of my time at the Create Zone. This was the most crowded area next to the Replay Zone. In this area, the big "E-Ticket" is definately Cyber SpaceMountain. Here, you can create the rolloer coster of your dreams... or nightmares. You first pick a speed that you want the ride to go at then a location. Then you are giving 10,000 feet of track to mess with. After you've done that, you get to ride your monster! I did it twice! The average wait after you create your coster is about half an hour if all eight simulaters are working. Think that you can stomach that barrel roll up a waterfall or that sudden dip into a volcano or the dreaded knot loop in an asteroid feild? I (barely) could... and that was at full speed. If you are not spinning from that, try the other areas. I didn't bother with the Living Easels and Magic Mirror since younger kids seem to dominate that area. On top of that, I keep missing the Animation Academy class times! Radio Disney's Sound Lab is a good place to get an extra CD for the road, but the wait can outdo most of the other attractions sometimes. Despite the wait, I didn't much care for those when I found Sid's Create-a-Toy. Here you can rummage through Sid's room, his sister Hanna's room, and the backyard looking for parts to make a twisted toy! Now, while I was told that I could find matching legs and arms, I found it really odd trying to locate a left leg and not finding it anywhere! I didn't care. Not after I went to the Guest Gallery. Here you can buy a recording of yourself on your rollorcoster, the picture you drew, a print of your easel painting, a print of your mirror make-over, your custom Disney CD, and your twisted toy... for a price. Trust me, if you did something you like while in the Create Zone, shell out the extra money. It's worth it.

The only thing I played in the Replay Zone (besides DDR) was the Mighty Ducks Pinball Slam. Ever wonder what it feels like to be a human Pinball? You'll find out here if you play this game. Chances are that if you've played any pinball game, you know it's impossible to get near a million points off three balls. Well, here you get can get to a million no problem. In fact, the high score to beat the day I was there was 99,999,990 points. My score? A mere 10 million and some odd.

So if you go to DisneyQuest in a group, definately hit up all the group trill games in the Explore Zone. Don't worry if you are going alone, either. There is plenty to play at the other Zones.

The next blog entry will be on the Animal Kingdom theme park.