I have to remember this FAQ for later if I ever get Animal Crossing.

Like that's going to happen.

Okay, since my last few blogs have been either long rants or just.... okay, they were all long rants, but anyway, I'm going to keep this breif.

This is the first time that I can remember waking up at 14:00!! Must have been the fact that I was up untill 03:00 talking to Jimmy. I'm so love him, but he doesn't love me. I feel like a teenie bopper all of a sudden.

Simple and Clean
Written by: Utada Hikaru

You're giving me too many things
Lately you're all I need
You smiled at me and said

Don't get me wrong I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father
When we are older you'll understand
What I meant when I said "No,
I don't think life is quite that simple"

When you walk away
You don't hear me say please
Oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

The daily things that keep us all busy
Are confusing me
That's when you came to me and said,

Wish I could prove I love you
But does that mean I have to walk on water
When we are older you'll understand
It's enough when I say so
And maybe some things are that simple

When you walk away
You don't hear me say please
Oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Ragardless of warning that future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before

I got curious as to how this song sounded, so I spent a good part of my time on KaZaA looking for this MP3. I found both versions. The remix sounds really aggressive in contrast to the lyrics, if you ask me.

The original version that plays during the ending credits of Kingdom Hearts (I'm asuming) was what made me cry the more I listen. It's as if I found that once song in my life that's not really my theme, but the song from my heart. It's hard to explain. It's like this song was written from within from all my pain and loneliness. At one point, I pictured me singing this hugging Dan and James. It still brings to tears to my eyes as I'm typing this. No matter how hard I try to fight it, it's as if the song is saying for me to let it go. Quit trying to be on the defensive. Stop trying to be right even if you aren't. It's not like it was. It never will be. Ever. Every action you do, everything you say does something to change everything around you. The only thing that will ever remain the same is how you feel deep down inside about the people you know. The only thing that matters are the people you love. Those that walk away walk away by their free will. Don't lose the ones that love you. Don't lose the ones that you love. Show them you love them. You don't have to do much of anything or try as hard as you may think. Just show them.

Now if only I can show them. It sounds so simple. There is just one problem. I'm not there.

I would like to go on record and say the following:

Fighting is stupid. There is no reason to fight. Fighting solves nothing. Fighting only leads to suffering and suffering leads to more fighting. (Damn, I almost sounded like Yoda for a second.) I don't understand why most people as soon as they find a reason to do so go in with their fists balled, guns locked and loaded, and missles locked. There are other ways of solving a problem rather than fighting it straight out. That's like saying you shoot first before you ask questions to the bank robber as to who his accomplice was that escaped. It doesn't makes sense to go all gun-ho into situations that you don't like just because you have a problem with it. If people would just get past the rage of wanted to deck the shit out of someone, they would see there are other ways to solve the disargeement. On top of that, if they get past the rage, they may even see that what they are fighting for is stupid! Yes, there are good reasons to fight, but the majority of them are dumb ones. People think they can do anything and own everything. No one can do either, and those that think they can are only fooling themselves. These are the ones that are so itchy to push the big red war button. These are the ones that think fighting and wars will lead to peace. Peace must be earned! Wars will not lead to peace as they only lead to more wars. This peace that is gotten after a war is nothing more but a false illusion. True peace can never be gotten from fighting! Fighting solves nothing! Fighting is stupid. There are other ways to settle disputes.

The first thing I did was call my mom at work. She picked up and I told her that I don't see a reason why she can't change the time to earlier. She said there was a hundred dollor penalty to change. I asked if that will kill her. She said it will cause we are broke and they are trying to get the money back now. She's used that excuse far too long, since I was able to understand what money was, and she didn't get away with it this time. She then tried to change the subject, but I changed it right back. I reminded
her that dad and her told me that they agreed to Dan that I was going to leave early and on a Thursday. She said that it was earlier than near midnight like last time. I said that I'm sure Dan meant earlier than 6:30 as well. She said that she will talk to Dan Saturday herself and say that's the best she can do. That alone was tempting knowing what will happen, but I knew I had to change the time, so I persisted and said how I don't see a hundred bucks and an extra four hours in the airports will kill her. She then got into that "Fine, whatever you want, you spoiled little brat" tone of voice and said that she'll change the time so I can go early and then hung up on me immediately.

Just so you know, I did this immediately after I woke up this morning. I think I was just too tired to build up any anger when I was talking to her. She, on the other hand, sounded like she didn't want to deal with it. She said she was dealing with it and that I was the one not dealing with it. I said I'm trying to fix it and that she's really the one that can't deal with the fact that she made a mistake. That lead to to her saying that she was going to talk to Dan herself.

What a way to start a day, huh?

I could just KILL my mother right now!

Just a little while ago before I started this blog, my mother went and reserved the plan tickets. Not just my tickets, but the tickets of the rest of the family as well. All was fine untill I found out about what the arrangements for me were. See, it's like this. My mother is cheap. She's the kind that would bath with her cloths on to save water if we were in a very tight spot. She's also very schedule oriented. She has to have everything on a time sheet. Well, guess what? Not only does she want everyone to leave at the same time so no one has to wait at the airport too long, but she also can't seem to afford the extra $20 needed to bump up my arrival time. See, Dan made it clear to them when he called. He doesn't care about when I actually get in. All he asks is that it's on a Thursday since it's his day off and that it be early in the day so he has time to park and find out the flight number and find out what gate I'm coming from and find out which security check out is the closest if he isn't going to find out what bagage claim area I'll be at. That's all. What does my mother go and do? Well, she remembers the Thursday portion, but says "Screw you!" to the early part! While she was on the phone and I got wind of this, I tried to make her change it. I reminded her that it had to be at an earlier time. All she said was "No, I can't." She didn't even tell me WHY! It was as if everything is set in stone with her! After she hung up, she was all "You don't know the price of airplane tickets." What am I?! I may be stupid, but I'm not THAT stupid! I immediately went to CheapTickets.com and Expedia.com and found a ticket that was perfect! It fit all the agreed requirements and everything! When I showed my cheapass mother, she was all "They told me about that ticket too, but it would be $20 more for the service charge if you do it that way." I objected as to why that's a problem. She said she wants everyone to leave at the same time. She doesn't want to sit there and wait three hours more than she is suppose to... even if they have shops in the terminal! To her, it's just not right or respectful to her! Well, she is being disrespectful and extremely inconsiderate to Dan! When I told her that Dan said Thursday and early, all she claims to remember is that he said Thursday. I told her that she and dad told me that it was to be on a Thursday and early. She just said that all she's going to say (meaning Dad is going to say for her) is "I'm sorry, Dan, that's the best I can do." And as if to rub more salt on the wound, she leaves by saying "Why didn't you search for that ticket earlier?"

This is what I get for placing trust in her. I hope she dies and rots in Hell. I HATE HER!

Okay, so I did it again. God, I'm so fickle!

I, once again, open my box that held my music CDs and took out a few that I wanted to listen to, namely the ones that have the Cowboy Bebop music on them. Yeah, I know, I could just go out and buy them or even download them! The thing is, the CDs I want from the series (or at least the ones that have all the good music) are the ones that are out of print! You can't get a copy of the Cowgril ED OST anymore with the movie soundtrack since it was only released with the first issuing of the movie soundtrack. On top of that, the covated CD Box set is a limited edition. That means onces they are gone, they are gone for good! My love for the music of the series makes me sometimes wish I had one of two things. One, the connections and money to say to Victor Entertainment to give me a full and offical print of the CDs they don't sell anymore as if they were out this whole time (i.e. make them make me a new and freash copy for however amount they want) or two, download all the MP3s I can find from the series and burn them on to bootlegs!

The second one seems more likely.

In other news: I'm higher ranked than 15.5% of the twinks on Twink or Not? Man, I must be ugly.

Okay, I'm crazy... or really obediant to people I like these days.

Aaron suggested that I repack all the junk I took out that was set for movie nights and so on with Bill and James and Dan. He said to just go right ahead and bring them all if it helps me feel at home. He told me that I may never know when Bill and James will turn around.

He was right.

Later last night, James talked to me on IM! I apologized my butt off. It still didn't help me get a meeting with him just yet, but at least I still get to talk to him online. Bill then followed suit, but became tired and left at around three in the morning over in Seattle.

Man, I'm so tired from packing and repacking all my stuff.

From Twink or Not:

Rating: 4.4
You are ranked higher than 24.6% of the twinks on this site!

From the looks of it, I'm not that attractive. I mean, most of my votes were 1s. On the bright side, I did get one 10.

Well, I guess I can just forget about finding a cool cute boy to date and become boyfriends with.

After spending the better half of the day going through the rest of the pins on record to compleate my PinPic's profile, something amazing happened.

I went back to my bags and remembered that there were alot of junk in the bags that I packed for what seems to be no reason at all. My back pack I filled with little trinkets to make me feel more at home. You know, my little Mickey Mouse plushie, some CDs, my sketch books (no pencils), necklaces, and keys to my luggage locks. All the other stuff I packed prior to that were all there because I was hoping for something that ultimately will never happen! The videos I packed I wanted to share with Bill or James or maybe even with Dan. Not going to happen, so I put them back to where they were. I even packed a few little computer trinkets I forgot about back when Bill said he has a sweet ass computer set up for me. It's probibly broken to bits now if not broken up into it's raw parts and then used in something else. Even some of my most recently bought items I decided to leave behind for later. Almost everything I took out of my bags was somehow or another connected to Bill or James. Two of the most wonderful guys I have ever had the pleasure of knowing I packed for only to end up loosing them.

That's one of my greatest fears, you know. Being alone. Having people who you thought whole heartedly were your friends to just turn their back on you. Well, not even turn their back on you you. The only thing that overshadows that is loosing contact with them. Or worst, having them forget who you are. I really don't want to be left out all alone after making such wonderful friends like Andrew and Chris and Aaron and Mark and David and Bobby and Sam and Seth and Randy and Bill and James and Dan. I want to keep them all if I can. I guess the sad realisation that I can't make me fear I'll only end up being alone again with no one special to hang out with or otherwise. I don't know, maybe I'm being stupid again. All I know is that I don't like this sinking feeling in my heart that I will end up losing everyone I love all to something as stupid and unforgiving as time.

I'm such an otaku. An otaku is a fanboy/fangirl that unhealthly obessed with something, normally anime.

Except here it's with Disney.

Either because I planed to or because I wanted to celebrate the fact I get to go, I went to the local Disney Store and bought a lanyard. I actually wanted a certain kind of lanyard, but instead they only sold the starter kits. The starters kits is a lanyard with four pins two of which are doubles. So you have one to keep and one to trade. I didn't like the pins I got stuck with, so I got a patriotic Mickey head.

I then spent the later half of the evening going on to PinPics.com to create an account to later advertise on MouseInfo.com's message board. I got to about page 51 before giving up on trying to find the exact picture of my pin. I'm going to hit up the other 100 pages I have left to look through later. I also had to upload one so I can show it off in my collection file/list under my account.

Good thing I actually am looking forward to working. I wonder if there is a Disney Store in Seattle. Thank the webmaster that Disney Store's website has a store locater.

Still, the best place for pins is at the Disney park or resorts. Maybe when I start working I'll be able to have enough money to go down there to work there. Hey, I'm still seriously thinking about it. Can you blame me?

Man, this is so cool. I'm still kind of shocked that it happened!

Just when I lost all hope that I'll even get a chance to go what with all my screw ups, I get a shining ray of hope. I must say, I need to thank Andrew for all this. He's always looked out for me even when I seriously thought no one gave a damn anymore. He made sure that at least I have a fighting chance. I love him for his loyalty. He is truely my best friend.

It's been a strange and wild rollor coaster my life, but it's not done yet. Now comes a new challenge. On the horizon comes a whole new set of problems and adventures and things that I must face head on. I can't sit back and cry and wish anymore. I can still do that, but I must go forward. I must do what I should so I can do what I want. I must be brave. I must be stable and in check at all times.

I will do this. I will suceed for the first time in life. I will do so... or die trying.

I used my PlanetOut profile picture on the stupid Twink or Not account I have set up to find out how attractive I am.

God, I'm pathetic.

Intelligance.

What is it about intelligane that makes one person smart and the other stupid?

Is it possible for the smart ones to learn everything and the stupid ones to learn nothing? What if the smart ones can't learn any more but the stupid onces can? So who is really the smart one? Was there ever a smart one to begin with?

Just because someone is stupid doesn't mean that they can't learn. Being ignorant means you can't and won't learn. Just becasue someone isn't as smart as most doesn't meant that they don't have intelligance either way. Sometimes being too smart can be a bad thing. If you are too smart, then what is there left for you to learn? Is there anything left for you to learn? If you are stupid, then you can grow. Being stupid means that you can learn something.

Being stupid isn't a bad thing.

"Someday I hope to have a patient just like you." When Randy said that to me one night, I thought that he must be the crazy one to want to have a patient like me in his future. Then I began to think that maybe he just wants a challenge. I mean, I'm different enough to cause so much frustration and anger. I'm not like anyone in the normal world out there. I want to be, but I know I'm not ready. So mayne Randy did want to help me after all.

I'm starting to wonder why is it I didn't IM for him last night when Sam came on to check their mail after that arguement (if it could even be called that) with James and Bill. I know I screwed myself over. That's all I'm good for. So why didn't I IM them? I don't know.

I don't know anything. The world is just too big, and I feel so tiny.

I hate myself.

I'm too different.

There was a time where I thought being different was a good thing. Now, it has occured to me that being different is definately a bad thing. A very bad thing!

Being different is evil. It comes off as being abnormal, strange, alien.

Being different means you are feared. Man fears that which they don't understand, and the most common thing they don't understand are the things that are different from them.

Being different doesn't make you an individual. It makes you a target for comformity. The more different you are, the bigger the bull's eye.

I hate being different. Being different sucks!

Damn it! It has got to be the damn "scan the call before you pick it up" shit that we do!

Around 09:30 to 10:00, the phone started ringing. I was still asleep seeing how I was up till 03:00 this morning waiting on Dan or one of the guys. By the time differance, it was around 07:30 Seattle time if that was Dan that called. The only reason I think this is because when I looked up what time he checked the mail, it was about 3 minutes before the first call. And if that was him, he called twice and never left a message on the machine.

I'm so ready to panic.

Oh yeah, and I should have known that posting a picture of me off a Yahoo! file server wasn't going to work. I might as well keep the account on Twink or Not for later when I can get a working and reliable file storage account.

But right now, I got bigger worries than my picture on some site.

Okay, so maybe it's my codependacy or maybe it's the fact that I'm really attached to them. Maybe it's just plain paranioa. Maybe it's nothing (which wouldn't surprise me if it was, but make me feel rather stupid)!

In any event, I'm worried about my contact with Dan and the others.

Time is really running out and rather fast. And if there's one thing I hate it's having a time limit. All Dan needs to do is call and get all the arrangements settled to get me up there. My parents are all cool with it now and support this venture. The thing is, they need to know what Dan's plans are and if I'm a burden. I don't know why that's their main consern considering I'm not really much of a burden to begin with. Well, okay, kind of.

Still, I really want to go to Seattle. I'm so close to it I can taste the air! Hell, I'm so close to getting ready to go that I can litterally feel James muscular arms around me when I sleep!! This would really suck if I can't go all because of a phone call that didn't happen! The only thing that would suck more than that is if Dan did call but we didn't pick up and he didn't bother to call again!!!

God, I have never felt so stressed out over something like this before! It's got to be due to the fact that this is the second night in a row that I haven't seen them on IMs. I'm starting to wonder what's going on over there. I didn't even get an e-mail reply back yet from them. Maybe I did something I'm unaware about that pissed them off. Maybe something else is going on up there that's preventing them from getting online. Maybe they all left Seattle! It could be anything! And the not-knowing is just making me more concerned about the matter.

Stess is such a bitch. I'm going to get grey hairs early at this rate.

Okay, I'm insane.

Out of boredom, I now have an account on Twink or Not? as well as a picture of me in there to find out if I am, like the site says, a twink or not.

Someone slap me.

Looks like I found another cool toy to play with. Now I can talk and maybe blog in binary... provided the site holds out. Click here to try it out yourself!

Disney and Squaresoft's Kingdom Hearts is out! The one game that I want to check out yet don't have a Playstation 2 to play it on.

Boy, life's a bitch sometimes. Oh well, I got something to wait for then. And maybe by the time I get it, all the secrets and cheats will be known to the world! Hey, that's how it normally is with most of my video games I get. I always get them when everyone has already played them and is bored with them!

Heh, I'm slow...

I just realized that the last post where I'm talking about how today is yesturday was posted after midnight making all the today referances really mean yesturday since I forgot that it was tomorrow today.

If that didn't make sense, I'm sorry.

Bill is okay. He just scared himself to the point of passing out. Kind of like how some people get so excited that they pass out due to ecstasy? Sure, the shadow thing is weird, but what can you expect on Friday the 13th? A power outage? Hey, that's what happened when I was talking to Sam tonight.

A question came to my mind after spending an hour at Am I a Twink or NOT?.

How long can the normal power outage last? More or less than six hours? I mean, I'm aware that there are those cases where natural disasters can prevent power from getting to neighborhoods at a time for days, but what about just a normal power surge or even your average savere thunder and lightning storm?

Today is just a weird day. I mean, tonight was the fourth night where the first thing I see on Disney when I turn to it is Erik von Detten.

Ugh, it's Friday the 13th. Time to avoid black cats, walking under ladders, and breaking any mirrors.

Still, that's the least of my worries today.

Last night proved to be rather benifitial and hopefully everything is back on track again. Everyone and I made up their differances and settled things right, even if it was frustrating to others than to most.

The root of my worry started when Bill cam online to IM me. He was feeling rather sad at first because I made a deal with Sam that was similar to what I made with him first. You know, the taking him to Walt Disney World. I knew he felt replaced, and I know that feeling. It sucks. I kept talking to him saying that I'll make sure that he gets to go and he'll go with me and he'll have a great time. I still want to try to do that. I didn't really cheer him up thought.

Now it gets weird...

See, Bill was distracted and scared. He sensed some kind of presence around him, following him, like a shadow everywhere he went. I kept talking to him saying that he should light up the whole room as best he can to scare off the shadows. Too much light equals no dark spots for shadows to produce. I think the fear and paranoia and the not-knowing really did a number on him. When I asked how he is feeling, he said that he was dizzy. With him, that's a sure fire sign that he may pass out. Sure enough, I think he did. Thing is, no one told me what was going on after that 17 minutes of nothing. I kept IMing hoping that I'd get some kind of reply back only to get bumped off AIM. I tried to get back on, and when I did, no one was online.

I really hope Bill is okay. I'm really worried about him. I really love and care about him so much. I don't know what would happen if something bad happened to him.

I don't know why I even bothered getting up so damn early.

Maybe it was my body's way of saying "Hey, you loser! You failed! You're still alive! Get up out of bed, you sack of shit!"

...or...

Maybe it was my bladder saying "Time for your morning piss."

Either way, I really didn't want to get up today.

When I found this Wrestling & Bodybuilding picture page tonight, it had a gallery devoted to Troy Baker. Well, when I saw the photo count, I had to see it. Let's just say it's not entirely about Troy.

Once again, something was too good to be true.

I feel as if this couldn't have come at a more horrible time than this.

It feel so useless. The trying, the moping, the thinking during the aftermath, the wishing, the trying again, the hoping. Sucess leads to failure and back again. A vicious cycle of Ying and Yang. This marry-go-round called life. This dinky and insignificant treasure that God has given us. It feels so.. useless.

I don't know what it is. I must be cursed with issues beyound any kind of medical or physcological help. I must need help that no being could give me here on Earth in my lifetime.

It feels like a dream. No, a nightmare. One of which I want to wake up from and see that what I dreamed is nothing more but the opposite of what I actually live.

I feel alone. So very alone. Having to do too many things at once. Like a music box. It plays by itself, all alone with no one else. It plays one note, then three, then two, then one, then four. All by itself it's providing the harmony and yet still plays the melody. It does so much by itself. But like any music box, someone needs to wind the key or open it. It is dependant on an outside force of some kind. Maybe that's why I feel like and is comforted by the sound of a music box playing a sad song. Maybe I am like that around a music box because maybe I feel like the song it plays is really my voice. So tiny.

A dark secret is releaved, assumptions rises, fear and pain and betrayel, so many events I've no blogged. So many emotions I can't blog. So many words and yet none can accurately and safely describe what has happened. I feel like... my heart has a hole that nothing can fill. A feeling of pain, of sadness, of being alone.

An emptiness.

Man, this is strange. I can't seem to go to sleep when I want to anymore. I don't know what the deal is. Maybe I'm just excited about what's going on in my personal life.

Heh, no worlds can really accurately describe it. You'd have to be there to know what was going on. It was as if I was finally able to get that which I have been dreaming and wishing and wanting for over a year now because I deserved at least a chance.

I don't know when it will happen, but I am for real leaving for Seattle to be with Dan and James and Bill and everyone that I love so much that I consider them more of my family than my real family! Yeah, it's pathetic, but I really feel like that. I can't explain why. It's like that Apple Jacks commerical. I just do.

Just when I thought that there could be nothing done to even give me an inkling of hope, a miracle happen! Words can't even being to describe what happened! It was so perfect, but at the same time so unexpected.

It seems that Josh was out-maned when a battle came around. The rest of the family that actually believes in me and likes me litterally ganged up on him and forced him to give into their demands. Needless to say, Josh isn't all that pleased. He is going to make it a point to keep an eye on me. One screw up and he will be on me faster than a hawk on its pray.

Bottom line is, I can dream again!!! Finally, dreamers do have a place in this world! Thank you, James, for telling me that dreams can come true. I love you. You gave me back hope the only way you can. By preaching.

This world has no place for dreams and fantasies. Dreams and wishes cannot pay the bills. There is no reason anymore to continue dreaming the impossible because it will never happen. Dreams will never come true. They said that Disneyland was built on a dream that everyone said wouldn't come ture. It was really built because Walt just had the money to do it. The world is no long rotating on it's axsis. The world revolves around money. Gone are the days when just a dream could get you somewhere. There is not place for dreams in this world. If dreams are wishes the heart makes, and if wishes provide the wisher and the dreamer with hope, then there is no hope anymore. So what's the point in hoping when there is nothing to place hope in? What's the point of dreaming impossible dreams? Why should we even bother to wish? None of it will ever come true. Without dreams and hopes, there is no direction. Without direction, there is no pupose in life anymore.

How ironic that the more times I tell myself this the harder it is to stop dreaming.

After a failed job hunt due to the fact that the only positions I found on the internet were the ones I'm not qualified for, I opted to get my mind off of things by watching TV. Didn't help. I channel surfed onto a Bo Flex ad and started thinking of James. That's when I decided to invade my parents' room and watch the "Contact" DVD we have with Jody Foster's audio commentary.

The opening hour of her commentary was interesting. She said that before she filmed "Little Man Tate" that she read a book about child prodogies and how they are the victems of society. She said that some of the world's greatest minds, the child prodogies, were the ones that were so driven and different that society tends to exclude them from the rest of the world because they think 2 + 2 = 5. They dare to dream of things and foolishly believe them whole heartedly while the world says they will never be. And in most events, the most difficult time for any prodogy are the years before they turn 25 years old. That's when they take all their stupid risks because they believe in something the world thinks is stupid to belive in. The time when the world says they are wrong for believing that 2 + 2 = 5. She said that all too often, they must make a choice. The choice between the dreams and ideals and the society they respect and love or the truth. Naturally, they have to pick the truth which ultimately leaves them alone. Prodogies are, what Jody Foster says, always isolated from society because of their passion to believe in the impossible.

I'm not saying I'm a prodogy or that I excell in anything that makes me believe in the impossible, but if I am, it sure would explain alot about the past events in my life.

God, I'm weak.

I finally got the motivation to clean up my area seeing how there is nothing else I can do but that since I'm all braindead when all of a sudden I find things from various "happy moments" of my past in my drawers and in my desk. A black t-shirt from D.A.R.E. from when I was in Oregon, another black shirt that said "I survived the Tower of Terror" from my second trip to Walt Disney World, a white shirt with a drawing I did from that youth program they were doing in Kentucky when we went up there for some reason, a battery operated kenetic model from several Christmases long pass that I used to play with till I ate threw all the packs of batteries we had, a small, paper sculpture that looked like something Red Grooms would have made if I hadn't had screwed up and used too much glue, cards that used to hold large amounts of birthday and Christmas and even graduation cash in them. I even found my old swimming trunks from the days I used to love swimming.

It was at this point I couldn't go throw with cleaning up my area just to make room for all the stuff that I had to unpack. I didn't want to find all those buried treasures from the times when I was happy if only for a moment. It was too painful. It's painful because...

...I have no one to share the discovery with...

...or for that matter, the memory with...

I could find every single buried treasure in my room, but all that will pale in comparision to the one true treasure of life I have lost. That treasure I can't ever get back now. That's impossible.

I didn't tell my father what was up. I told my mother instead. Too depressed to face my father. Mom could tell, so she tried to cheer me up by taking me to Steak 'N Shake for lunch. I turned down the offer. Steakburgers and the froatiest shake can't cheer me up. Hell, I think nothing short of an all out expenses paid trip to Disney World could cheer me up.

I spent the rest of the morning wading in the bathtub that doesn't have a drain plug. I used a towel to block it. I tried to kill all my little bubbles and thought clouds of dreams and fantaties. Let me just say that trying to do that is like trying to remove the Earth's core. It's possible, but who in their right mind would do it. There's at least one little fantasy world still floating in my head somewhere keeping me from sufficating myself... or so was the case at least last night.

I'll unpack later when I get motivated enough to get rid of all the crap that is in my area. I have alot of junk all over the place. Bags, toys that don't work any more, clothes that don't fit me any more, papers just asking to be recycled. Things of that nature. You know, all the donatibles.

My life, or lack there of, is going to change forever now.

I don't think I've ever felt so crushed before in my entire life like I do just now. Here, I'm sitting here, blogging away and maybe for the last time, knowing one thing is certain. I've lost everything. I know I've said it before, but this time I've truely lost everything.

Early yesturday evening, Andrew asked if I was to be his Best Man at his wedding. I was so honored and humbled that I had to accept. Little did I know that would be the last bit of joy I'd have the honor of experiancing.

Later that evening, Josh, the one that hates me, decided to come on. I don't know what I was thinking, but for some reason, I ended up trying to stand my ground and maybe reason with him into liking me. He had plenty of reasons to hate me, and this new event just gave him more reason. Well, Josh is a powerful man, to say the least. He has alot of weight in the family and with the people I talk to. In a matter of literally minutes, he was able to deny me any kind of help from their end. Because I had tried to stand up to him and reason with him, I did nothing more but screw myself over once more. This time, perminately.

The hurt came in several blows after this.

The first came from Dan. Now that Josh had tied his hands, there was no way he can help me get out. There was no way I was ever going to move now. To save face with everything, he told me to tell my parents that he was trapped in a big business deal that would take months to compleate making it impossible for me to move now. He also suggest that I just forget about everything I ever dreamed of and just look for a job here and do what needs to be done here.

The second was more gut-wrenching. Bill got the word of it and began to throw things in his room. He got so upset that he went over to a room he prepared for my arrival himself and proceeded to destroy that living hell out it! Images of the anger and how he kept breaking everything not caring at how much it costs or if it is even replacible let alone nailed down filled my mind. Imagining what his tears and sad face must have looked like destroyed what was left of whatever it was that was able to keep me composed. I was told that he kept yelling obsinities and crying "No more! No more!" When he was finally done with it all, he was in the center of the room crying in the mess that he made.

Now what happens? What do I do now? I guess I'll unpack if I wake up.

I have to blog this while it's still freash. A nightmare I had.

My family consisting of me and my parents go out somewhere to sell something as we used to do normally when I was young. The welcome was all but pleasent, with a mob wanting us out of town now. At the event, which seemed to have a colonial theme, the mob set our store and everything else on fire. I ran to save myself and tried to find help. When I realised that help couldn't be found, I ran back to the store only to find that my father was burned to death. The only remains of him was a charded outline of him on the floor. I then ran back to my mother, who gave me $5 to comfort me, but it didn't help. I just cried in her arms.

Now, I'm no Freud, but let me try figuring out this dream the way he does.

The mob probibly represents the past or all my problems that seem to come up whenever I don't want them to or whenever something happy is suppose to happen. The fire that breaks out is my anger and agression that those problems create. The running away from the fire is just that, me running away from my problems. The charded outline probibly represent the fact that after all my anger and agression is gone the fact that it happened still remains. The $5 represents my constant search for happiest in some kind of shallow, monitary act like shopping or playing videos. Crying in my mother's arm probibly represents the fact that I always want someone else to fix them cause all I do is run from my problems.

I think I may have a dependancy problem.

I should have blogged this earlier, but I couldn't for various reasons. All of which are distracting in one form or another.

Anyway, I now have a reason to be either jelous of my parent or to blow money on things I'll ultimately will never be able to keep. Why do I say this? Well, it's kind of like this.

My parents dinky, mono-speacker, VHS built-in TV died on them. So to get a replacement, they went to Sam's Club. The replacement they got was something I didn't expect. They got themselves a TV with a duel deck. One deck VHS, the other is none other than DVD. Yup, we finally got around to getting a DVD player. Do we have any good movies for it? Only one. Contact. Yup, that strange yet insightful movie about how science and religion clash when big risks are involved to answer the age old question "Are we along?" So, seeing how that movie is the only one we got, Mom took it upon herself to buy A Beautiful Mind. I really don't think she found all the features that I did with the remote and DVD options. You know, the zoom options, the Behind-the-Scene options, the trailers.

Now all I need to do is see if they have any Easter Eggs on the DVD at DVDEasterEggs.com. At least, I think that's the URL for it.

You are Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky the Fourth
A strange and fun loving kid. You are an expert computer hacker and have all the really important, meaningful dialog in the series :).
Which Cowboy Bebop Character Are You?

Why do I continue to take these damn quizes? And if I was such an expert in computers, then why is it that nothing I do WORKS! I mean, my second picture of Shane McDermott died! AGAIN!

And I have all the really important meaningful things to say? Obviously this person hasn't read my blog.

I can't wait to get out of here.