Surreality

Whenever someone says that they feel very insecure or very frighten, they claim to feel only three inches tall. The thing is, their height never changes by that much. It is just an emotional feeling that makes them feel as such.

This morning, fear and depression took hold again, only this time it got worst. I woke up and found myself in a bigger bed. Logic told me that it is impossible for me to change height by so much and equally impossible for the bed to be changed from underneath me. Still, my surroundings felt like I had shrunk due to fear, insecurity, and low self-esteem. The outside reflected the inside.

It was only after I watched some cartoons this morning that everything resettled back to normal.

I wonder if this has to do with last night.

I talked to Dan and Bill trying to get things together as I wanted them to go. A smooth and logical course of events that wouldn't send my parents into a sudden shock causing my dad to have an early heart attack. Like always, I was denied, and for the first time in a long time since I started college I lost control of my emotions. Anger turned into self-inflicting rage and then into depression. I pissed off Bill and greatly disappointed him. I came off as not wanting to take him to Walt Disney World. I came off as not being able to show my love and care for him as much as I feel it. To put it in Bill's words, I wasn't observing the No Asshole policy that was put into effect by David so as to better both sides in this complex and difficult relationship.

As usual, I tucked my tail and let Bill beat me verbally. He doesn't know it, but he did. He was trying to not hurt me, but to not hurt someone so easy to hurt is nearly impossible. He left to cool down saying that Leo would be on later. I blogged about how I felt, I went on Gaia, I did my Neopets run as soon as it turned midnight by Neopian Standard Time (their game clock), and I did not see Leo at all on AIM. By 03:00, I was tired and left to go to bed. A bed that would be, in the morning, a lot bigger than when I went to sleep in.