Today's been awful. I feel like crap. All I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep.

You know, it's really funny how life is going for me. A big joke. I was happier when i didn't know things. Now that I know too much, it makes me wonder. Just what exactly am I going to do?

I know now that my big uber dream about having a perfect life and being happy all the time will never happen. I'll never find that special someone. I will never be able to do what it is I love. I will never be happy.

Why?

Because the world is a dark and cruel place. Parents, friends, people you trust. It seems that no matter what I do, no matter how much I bow down to them, I still cannot get what I want. Call me greedy if you want, but all I really care about is just trying to get and capturing that which gives me great joy.

And I can't do it.

I was thinking about Andrew today. I was thinking about what he said about being friends for life and helping out each other. At one point today, I was daydreaming about how he would just appear sitting there at the end of my bed laughing at me when I woke up. He would say something dorky like he always did like "So Sleeping Beauty is finally up, huh?" Something of that nature that would make me want to kick him with a smile so he knew that I really didn't mean any offence by it. It sucks. This feeling that I have. I may never ever get a chance to meet him.

I really wish somone on the other side would just grow some balls and come down here themselves. I've endured so much for them. I've hung in here when times were tough. I tried to make the best of things. And for what? I finally get word that I may be able to meet the guys, but I am at the mercy of Dan. While that isn't really a bad thing, I was hoping that I would be out of here by now! I was hoping that I would be talking to them right now instead of sitting here blogging listening to my mother complain about how no one cooked for her. Why can't they just come down here? I don't see why they can't. I mean, they can just go anywhere they want to! They could come here and be able to check into any hotel and still be able to meet me! But do they? No! Why? Security? Because there is nothing to do in this town that hasn't already been done? Because it's not big enough?! As much as I hate this town, I can still see some of it's good points. And even if those good points aren't enough to warrent even their attention, there's still one person down here that I know they want to see and meet. Me.

I am so mixed up. I don't know what to think anymore. I wish I had not know the things I know. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant again. I was happier when I was stupid and unaware. Knowledge may be power, but it is also a burdon.

I don't know. I'm just ranting my head off over stuff that I know I'll regrete greately about later.

I wish that Josh guy I met so-many-weeks ago would just call and leave a message. Maybe if I hung around him some of his characteristics would rub off on me and I could be able to enjoy life like he does.

I hate this. This whole cosmic law that I have been cursed with. I can't have a good day without something bad happening to end it. I can't have a good week without something bad happening the following week. I should change my name to Ying Yang! This whole Light-Dark thing is getting on my nerves. I just want to be happy! I just want to have unadulterated bliss that would rival that of heaven! The only way I'd ever get that kind of happiness now is if I died and went to the the floating island of Mandango where there is no boredom, no one gets jelous, and everyone has sex all day. Now if only a placed like that exisited.

I really really REALLY REALLY need a friend right now. Someone that would make me feel better instead of bringing me down all the time. Someone that knows how to have a good time. Someone fun. Someone that has alot of patience and can deal with me and understand me and not run away.

I need Andrew.